Thanksgiving

I didn't really see many other people this Thanksgiving. TONS of people were in town, but I just....I felt like being around my mom's house. That could be because I'm sick but truthfully, it might be more than that. I mean.....I can't make people like me. And I can't always be the one to try. I get sick of looking pathetic.

Being an Adult

It's not easy. Nothing ever is in life. There's only so many ways to say the same thing. And I've run out of those ways. I do believe this blog is done.

Art imitates Life

And just because you get away that dont mean its okay
You a dead man walking and I mean it okay.

-T.I. "You Know What It Is

Many men, wish death upon me
Blood in my eye dawg and I can't see
I'm trying to be what I'm destined to be
And niggaz trying to take my life away
I put a hole in nigga for fucking with me
My back on the wall, now you gon' see
Better watch how you talk, when you talk about me
Cause I'll come and take your life away

- 50 Cent "Many Men"

In the second set of lyrics, I only highlighted the part that I feel applies to me. Lyrically it doesn't flow without the first two lines. Anyway, I think I'm soulless. Every time anyone has ever shit on me and put me down and just treated me like I was nothing, my soul died a little bit. And now it's just gone. Completely. And you know what? It doesn't even matter. Who needs it? You're the only person you can ever count on anyway. It's you and then that's it. You must protect yourself at any cost.

I didn't forget

I asked for a scope of the readers I have because I thinking of expanded on a character in a story I posted online and giving the character a blog. But I don't want to bog down the internet with something no one's going to read.

A Survey from Myspace

Finish the sentences:

1. I've come to realize that my ex is: someone I should have ran from when I first met him.

2. I am listening to: coldplay

3. I talk: a lot because silence reminds me of my loneliness

4. I love : no one and nothing and no place at all.

5. I have: no money

7. I lost : my smile

8. I hate it when: i try and i still get knocked down. I'm sick of getting up.

9. Love is : non-existent

10. Marriage is: strange

11. Somewhere: someone's dying and escaping from all sorts of pain

12. I'll always be : ugly on the outside to match the tainted inside

13. I have a crush on: no one

14. The last time I cried was: a while ago. They were angry tears; I was fighting with Drew.

15. My cell phone is : silent. Which is good.

16. When I woke up this morning: I had a cramp from sleeping on the couch.

17. Before I go to sleep at night I: wish for happiness

18. Right now I am thinking about: my pizza being almost ready

19: Babies are: perfect and wonderful

20. I get on myspace: when im bored

21. Today I : laid around unproductively thinking of ways to wash away my thoughts

22. Tonight I will: sleep I hope

23. Tomorrow I will: go to class, come home, go to work, come home

24. I really want to: be blank; just for five minutes

25. The person who's most likely to repost this: i dont know

The Bottom of the Hole

Life won't let me die. It won't give me the one thing I hope for. Fuck. I'm so tired.

Please

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Shakes

I know I'm posting a lot of blogs right now. But I'm a little bored and I know that I'm going through some changes and I want documentation of those changes.


I'm sitting on my couch, trembling from nerves. I'm so strung out. It's crazy. I'm crazy.

It's tough to say, but it must be said

I'm under a significant amount of stress right now. I can sense and feel my life slipping away from me and turning into something I don't even know. I can't....I'm not functioning in the way I want to. My savings account is empty. And I need gas and I know I don't have the money for it. I'm broke and it's depressing because I know that about 70% of my income over the past couple months has gone to things for Andrew. And I just....I don't have anything to show for all of that effort. I'm not gonna lie, this whole apartment thing has me scared and freaked out. Andrew just doesn't seem to do anything for himself. I understand that his main goals are his kids and his bills are his first priorities. I totally get that. I'm with him on that one TOTALLY. What I don't get is how he can't seem to focus on anything else. Why can't he focus on taking care of himself before he sleeps or plays? He gets mad when he brings it up, because he says I remind him of his mother. But he reminds me of my dad when he tells what to do with my life and then does nothing with his own but just sit there and take. I've researched everything that's needed to be looked up and just brought the info to him. Because if I don't then it doesn't get done in a timely fashion. And...it's not just his life anymore. My life is affected by his lack of get up and go. I don't want anything negative on my credit score because of him not getting things set up when they need to be. There are so many things that need to be in place before we can pay rent for September and move in. And he just leaves everything to me.

I just don't have the extra energy to take care of him as well as myself. I'm so lonely. Being depressed and lonely just saps my energy. I mean what's the point of going through all of these motions when there's no one at the end of the day to share all of the stress with or all of the happiness? There's no one to share with. And that just bums me out in such a big way. It's always in the back of my mind. You're working so hard on everything, but what for? It's not appreciated and there's no one to share anything with. What's the point of working so hard if you're lonely?

I want to go back in time......

and slap the shit out of myself. I want to scream at my past self to wake up and realize that everything everyone has ever told you to hope for was a lie. I want to tell my past self that I really am a failure and that the sooner I realize that and stop dreaming the better off I'll be.

Digging through the shit to get to the truth

I was driving in my car today and it just hit me that I barely know who I am anymore. I just know she's someone I don't like. At all. I'm back where I was a few years ago. I HATE myself completely. I just want to erase myself, tear everything up, start over. And I can't because that's not how stuff works. That's saddening.

I was quite the stupid child growing up. All of my thoughts on life and love and how the world is and how things are supposed to be were such fucking bullshit. Such complete fucking bullshit.

It's actually happening

So our move in date is September 6th. It's finally happening. I'm moving out of my parents' home. I'm living on my own for the first time ever. It's......it's scary, it's exciting, it's amazing. I'm really looking forward to it. Mom isn't but then again she doesn't have to. She didn't expect me to move so quickly. Well not move but get things movin' so quickly. I'm ready. I'm in a good place and I'm ready to move away from my parents. The atmosphere in the house is just.....I can't live here anymore. It hurts my heart that that's what it is, but life happens.

This weekend was good. Apparently I got beyond plastered Saturday. And apparently I get violent. I know I like to drunk dial and they wouldn't let me. So maybe that explains some of the behavior. I know I couldn't stand up straight. It was.....wild. Andrew has some bruises. For shame.