The start of healing?

I went to talk to Andrew today. It was an intense conversation. I still have no idea where I stand, but it's better. I feel like there's some kind of end in sight. I have no clue if it's good, bad or ugly, but I see it. After I talked to him, I was a tad frustrated and needed to just clear my head. So I went driving. Since I got into an accident the last time I drove to clear my head, I picked a destination. There was mad traffic heading to NC so I drove to Richmond. My head wasn't too full; just a tad cluttered. I got a flat and Holly's boyfriend Brian came out to fix it. Which was nice. Very nice. Mom and I talked about me driving to clear my head in the evening and why it's dangerous and I shouldn't do it. And she has a point. There's just something about being able to go that....lifts me. I dunno what it is.

I want some sausage. I'd go to Wal-Mart but I have a donut on my car. I REALLY want some sausage though.

By the way, I figured out what bugs me about Nick and his reactions. It's like he's trying to be perfect. Like he's saying he's better than me since he doesn't get angry at anything and I do. Weird.

wishes

I wish I were strong enough to approach everyone I've ever disappointed and say I'm sorry. I'm so incredibly sorry. I mean it. Can't you tell I mean it?

I know I've always fallen short. And I know I've lied. And I know I've been selfish. But damn it I'm sorry. I really am.

The River Runneth

I'm a talker. I like to talk. Especially when something big is going on. I think I'm looking for the right reaction. The right bit of advice. I just.......when something is weighting heavily on my mind, I like to get outside opinions. I also talk a lot when I'm superbly excited. I don't know. Well I do know. I'm just not sure what to do about it.

I'm a little lonely, a little broke, and a lotta bored.

Some people are still horridly self-absorbed. It's really annoying, but entertaining enough.

I'm still talking to people that I haven't spoken to in a while. I'm using time wisely. I might get a co-worker I know. Sweet!

And I always thought we'd be together in the end

First off I'd just like to say that speaking up is hard. I'm really trying to do it. And it's scary. You don't want to offend people but you're tired of being walked on. Of holding it in. So you speak up. And speak out. And live life. It's great for me really. But it's not easy. Don't act like it is.



I'm getting ready to graduate soon. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. I'm still holding a little bit of the sad over from the last post. When I envisioned my senior year I envisioned things a lot different. I wasn't single, I'd found a group of people to fit into and hang out with. I hung out all the time with my best buds Alyssa and Holly. Life was great. Life didn't end up that way. I barely talk to Holly or Alyssa anymore. I can't really stand it when I do. We've all changed so much. They don't have time for me. I'm a last resort friend. And to be honest, I really don't like the people they are now. I've never been one to hang out with people that stab others in the back and used them cause I hate that. And that's sort of who they are now. I know people and shit changes more than anyone, I'm a Navy brat. But still, I didn't really see this coming. It makes me sad for those happy middle school girls we all were once. They're both in some pain and I can't say I feel bad for them. Well I do but I don't. I'm sorry they're in pain, but they've earned it. The Universe gives what it gets. some of the shit they've done to their parents and Anna and Jessie is just...messed up. Maybe I'm naive for expecting the world to be fair. I just think of what should have/could have/would have been and it saddens me. I thought I'd be graduating with my girls. We're graduating this year, but we're not really girls anymore. I miss that.


I miss Stephen. And I miss Andrew. I love those guys. I want them at my graduation. I wouldn't be alive to graduate without those two. But we don't talk at all anymore and I know a large part of that is my fault. I'm really difficult. But damn. You're not supposed to give on people the way yall gave up on me. I know I got trying. And I know you had stuff going on with yourselves. But when you got that straight, I still needed help. Steve, I'm not as smart as you. Andrew, I don't really have the inner strength you do. Yall knew that coming in. I guess you just figured you weren't doing any good so why bother. You both did so much good. I'm not gonna lie and say I don't think yall didn't ever fuck up. Females get in the way of things sometimes. That's all I'm going to say. Actually it's not. Melissa can be a brat but she's relatively decent. She really needs to let go of that drive she has to pitch a fit when she can't get her way. If someone needs their space, they're not going to NOT need it just cause you stomp your foot. And Andrew, you have to learn to stop trying to tell females what to do. It never works and you just end up pissed off. Skip the anger and the headache. Stephen, Caroline manipulated you and that hurt you. I know that. I could tell while it was happening how it chipped away at your self-esteem and your hope. You got out of that and I'm proud. But this new chick.....I'm just worried you're loosening up too fast. You're not like a lot of people our age. You have morals. I don't want you to lose your identity in someone else again. Because you weren't happy. I see you getting more and more apathetic and not caring about things you used....some of those things you used to care about are still important. Just because you got to the point where you associated some good things with a bad person doesn't mean the things are bad. I ask the Universe to help you see the difference. Despite everything that's happened and everything that's been said, I still love yall. I always will. In slightly different ways but love is love. I miss you two.


I'm done now. That took a lot out of me. My phone never rings. People with my number should call.

I'm dumb

I just finished reading a blog about my friends that I wrote before Daddy had the stroke/heart attack. I'm so different. And I go back and read things I wrote before the Jason thing and I'm different yet again. Life keeps happening and it keeps changing me for the worse and I hate it. However I don't have time to wallow in bed, I have to go to work depressed.

By the way, I might be a bad person, but I'm a firm believer in getting out of the universe what you put in. You can only fuck your friends over so many times before you catch it in the teeth.

I Can't Stand It

Ok, there's a few things I really can't stand and I'm going to get them off my chest. Here goes.

HE has a girlfriend and I feel like she is using Myspace to stalk me. There's only so much you can make private on Myspace. I'm tired of having to cloak everything I type and not being able to be upfront with friends and give honest comments because she might run across it.

I feel I spend a good deal of time waiting for Holly to stab me in the back. I just get this feeling there's something between HIM and Holly going on that I'm missing. He's been online a lot lately. And they always seem to end up talking a lot, about me. And I'll find out about it way later. It never seems to come out how they talk though. I know I seem stupid to be jealous of them communicating when I'm screwing HIM behind HIS girlfriend's back. But back at the beginning, (which seems a helluva lot farther away than it is), when he was completely single and I was actively trying to date him and even when I was sorta dating him, she'd flirt with him horribly. They spent a day together without me because I had responsibilities I choose to uphold and they took pictures of the two of them being close in the backseat of HIS car. It was an outside event so I'm guessing they went in there to sit. That day was pivotal. She told me later that they kissed that day. That hurt so bad. We'd (HIM and I) had made plans to hang out later that day since I couldn't hang out with HIM earlier at the Pagan festival. He didn't answer his phone all that day. HE called later that night and said he felt I was too close and HE was sorry and ectera ectera. It hurt so bad. Especially more when Holly finally fessed up and it became clear that HE didn't truly need space, HE was just more interested in my friend. Why couldn't HE just say that? Why? I don't understand. I'm nothing more than casual sex and an ATM. But more to my point, she stabbed in the back with that one. And she's done it before. She's very quick to take the side of others against me. To put me down. She's quite mean to be truthful. Why we're still friends I don't know. Maybe I just don't feel I deserve better. I know that she's hurt me deeply so many times that I feel like I'm just resting until she does it again. That's pathetic. And it's not how I want to live my life. At all. In addition to the last paragraph, something that's going on with her has also brought this situation to mind. This particular thing came up in class in regards to someone else. Confidentiality came up and I realized if our positions were switched, there's a good chance she'd sell me down the river. She's forever trying to one-up me. And I'm not sure why I take it.

I'm also so sick of school it's not funny. And it's not learning. It's Indian River. I'm ready for bigger and better. Everyone is so childish around me. The inappropiate laughter and the rudeness. The intolerance. It's nerve-racking. Not to mention annoying.


I guess what's got all of this on my mind is the quickly approaching end to my high school career. After all we have semester long classes and I only have classes the first semester. So at the end of January, I'm finished. I'm growing up. I've been sleeping in my mom's bed for the past week cause my sheets need changing and I hate to do it, but I can't do that forever. We were chilling on her bed watching tv and I thought to myself, "The number of times I can sit here and do this are numbered. And they're running out." I'm tired of being unhappy with my life. I'm almost 18 and I'm still unhappy. What is that about? I'm over it.

I'm ready for change. I want to go away and learn something that matters to me. I want friends that are 100% true. I'm growing up and I just can't stand it.

Reconstruction

So I've gotten microbraids, taken to painting my nails, and wearing makeup to school.

I'm trying to take better care of myself. It's working, up to a point. My sessions with Dr. Just, (the shrink I saw to get back in school) have made me feel that perhaps if I want to feel better, I should work on the outside. After all, it's hard to feel good about yourself when you can't stand the way you look.

I'm not so certain I should be so focused on the physical stuff but it's something I actually have control over. So I work on it. Maybe once the packaging is prettier, I'll feel good enough about the inside to give a hoot.

I have plans to hang out with HIM on Monday. I'm excited about it. I only have school two days a week next week and Monday is one of my days off. So I'm going to hopefully hang out with Alyssa, Holly, or some other friends I haven't really chilled with lately and then him. I'd like to possibly use one of those days to maybe have lunch with Trevor, the boy mentioned in the last post. If I didn't mention him I meant to. I got in contact with him via a Craigslist ad. And he's nice. Super nice. Cute. Easy to talk to. A month out of a year long relationship. Needless to say, I'm a little hesitant to get into a relationship with him. I want a relationship and I think there's a lot of possibilities with him. We have great conversation. I've just stalled on meeting him because I don't want to get into something with him just to have him step out on it. And I'm still emotionally attached to HIM. It's not just any individual thing. It's the whole package.

I quit my job at Sonic last night. Turned in my two weeks notice. The pay just isn't worth the aggravation and the stress. I can work less hours and make more money somewhere else. So that's what I plan to do.

You Can't Finish Last Place if You Never Finish At All

Last night's post was a tad unfinished but I guess I dozed off or what have you. I'm quite lazy an dhave a tendency not to follow through on a lot of things. The loneliness consumes my piece of mind. Just eats it right up. I hate to cry and yet I do it with alarming frequency.

Yesterday I saw Holly's mom in the parking lot of Home Depot as I was going in there to buy a new knife(I lost mine.) We had a nice chat while she blocked the parking aisle about responsibility and how some of us have it and some of us just don't. I'm sure responsible people don't cut themselves or even dream of it as I do, but then again it didn't come up so let's not go borrowing trouble.

I really really do miss HIS friendship. I miss feeling safe and liked. I miss being held.

It's Simply Meant to Be

What makes us strive for that promotion, or that A, or that hot ride?

Because we don't want to be like the loser on the corner.

However in order to want to be better than the loser on the corner, there has to BE a loser on the corner.

Some of us were meant to be the losers. We help make the world go 'round. If you're one of the losers, no matter how hard you try, you're still a loser. For you to switch things up and be a winner, someone else is going to have to hit some hard times. And while you might hate your lot in life, that's no reason to wish misfortune on some other soul.

I thought of something today as I made my second trip of the day to Harris Teeter. Being a loser isn't a bad thing. You help give the world balance. And while I might not have a brand new car or a hot boyfriend or really cool expensive clothing, I have two good friends. And a license. I do have some fun. Not a whole bunch or even really cool fun. But it's enough and it works for me. While I can't help but wish to be on the other side of the fence of cool and accepted, would I even know what to do with myself if I got what I wanted?

Fuck no.
I'd be crazier than I am now.

Just a little something to keep you going

This post is for my friend who hasn't posted since Friday. She spoke to me today about me not updating.

thatisall

Friends, Music, and a dab of other things

Given recent events, I've sort of rediscovered some of my friends. I wish some of them would have stayed hidden. But that's neither here nor there. I have the bestest besty in the world. She blows your besty out of the water. Just totally. She's going through a very happy time right now. And while a very small part of me is jealous, a large part of me is relieved that happiness can still happen to normal people and reassured that one day it will grace my presence. I'm reconnecting with my buddy Stephen which is a blessing since he's a calming, sane influence in my life. He's a saint for helping me with my chemistry which isn't easy at all.
I have a stadning lunch date with Holly and I'm going to Temple with Steve next week. I do things now. I can remember when I used to not do things. When I used to sit at home and not do things. And be sad. I'm sad now, but it's in public away from my house.

Music these days suck. The songs are about how to do a dance step. They're dancing instructions. Isn't art supposed to imitate life? Life isn't about dance steps. Whatever happened to love and hate and jealousy and pain? Suicide and adventure? What happened to the quality and depth of people's lives?

The end of my childhood is fast approaching. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I know I need to get my ass off the fence about that though.

My Future in Blogging

I might have no future in this wonderful fact sharing activity. It all depends on whether or not a few things happen. Some people take my trust and throw it in my face by betraying me. It hurts my feelings. Lots of things hurt my feelings. I'm somewhat shy, so it helps me to be able to notify people about my innermost thoughts and feelings without having to directly speak to them. But I can't have that if people betray my trust and tell people things they know I don't want certain people to know. I'm just not sure. Right now I'm not sure about a lot of things. We shall just have to see.