The Difference Between Knowing and Realizing

I know Andrew is gone from my life but I don't think I've realized it yet. I keep expecting to hear his ringtone. I've woken up every day since we fought thinking "Do I have plans with Drew today?" and it takes like two minutes for it to hit me and for me to realize I don't have plans with Andrew. I'm never going to have plans with him again. It makes my chest tight to think about that. What can you do though? I've been making people I care about hate me for most of my life. I take funny, mild-mannered people that everyone gets along with and turned them into monsters. My father, Jason and now Andrew. I have to figure out what I'm doing wrong. I want someone to love me one day you know? I don't want to be unlovable, unlikable for the rest of my life. I really don't.

OMG what if it's 6 months instead of 4 weeks??

I'll go insane.

Johnny Cash
I Walk the Line

I keep a close watch on this heart of mine
I keep my eyes wide open all the time
I keep the ends out for the tie that binds
Because you're mine, I walk the line

I find it very, very easy to be true
I find myself alone when each day is through
Yes, I'll admit that I'm a fool for you
Because you're mine, I walk the line

As sure as night is dark and day is light
I keep you on my mind both day and night
And happiness I've known proves that it's right
Because you're mine, I walk the line

You've got a way to keep me on your side
You give me cause for love that I can't hide
For you I know I'd even try to turn the tide
Because you're mine, I walk the line

I keep a close watch on this heart of mine
I keep my eyes wide open all the time
I keep the ends out for the tie that binds
Because you're mine, I walk the line

I want....

1. a boy who will love me and only me. Who will be satisfied with me just the way I am but rejoice when I get better and be firm and supportive when I backslide. Who's good and unselfish in bed. Who won't tell me how hot he finds other girls because he respects my feelings.
   
2. a father who doesn't yell at me for making the simplest mistakes. Who loves me as I am not as I should be. Who isn't afraid to say I love you.
3. a better looking, better running car.
   
4. a nicer brother.
5. a mother who has more in common with me. Who doesn't think that talking to me is a waste of time.
   
6. better grades.
7. more money.
8. more friends.
   
9. a different high school.
10. things to be the way they used to be about 5 years ago.
    

Damn I want a lot. No wonder I'm always disappointed.

So I'm slow to learn

I get that. I totally get that. I just wish it weren't so. I'd like to be on the other side of the bridge, where I'm wiser and smarter and I'm not hit over the head so many times with life lessons. I try to be at peace with my life and the way it is I really do. But it's hard. Not my life but liking it. And myself. I still don't like myself. But unlike those people on tv and the movies who are loved in spite of the fact that they're fucked up, I live in the real world and I'm not loved. I really want 2007 to be different. I want to like myself enough, or be able to fake it enough that someone will care deeply about me. And I'm losing this weight. I mean it.

I'm a freak

It's something that I've been slowly accepting for the past couple of years. I don't mean it sexually although that is true.

I'm a weirdo. A freak. I'm odd as hell baby. And I'm beginning to love it. I have all these little nitpicky things about my personality that make me really really special. And that's got to count for something in this world. Even if it doesn't I'm still a good person. I'm worth something. A lot of something as a matter of fact.

I'm SOOOO sick of being single. Really tired. But it's ok. Cause someone really really awesome is just getting themselves all ready for me. And when I finally met this mystery guy, the fireworks are gonna blow and everything is going to be great. It won't be perfect because life just isn't that way, but it'll be awesome because it'll be as close to perfect as I can get.

The Blogging Bug has bit me something fierce

For some reason I feel like blogging more lately. I guess it's stemming from a need to blog for myself and not so I can touch other people with my words. Not that reaching other people is bad, but I just.....I'm writing for myself. That's all I can say to describe it. I'm really tired of being lonely. I hope one day to find someone to love me. I have so much love in my heart to give. So much. You'd be surprised I think. Really surprised. I'm watching Holiday Heart. It's such a heartwarming movie. I feel a little inspired now. Like maybe I can lift my head up.

Sometimes I get sick of the despair

I want to write something but I'm not quite sure how to articulate what I'd like to say.

I'm tired of feeling like crying. I just want to be happy. I'm not sure what happy is, I just know I want it. Badly.

Don't You Ever....

Go back over old blog entries and read them. It's majorly, horrifically depressing.

Lie

Sometimes all you can do is lie. No one wants to hear the truth and it's just too hurtful to cry alone.

Cry

When you cry, keep it on the inside. When you let it out and no one cares, you only hurt worse.

Unnecessary Wants

At times, like right now, I feel like maybe my wants aren't that big of a deal. Because if I could truly use everything I wanted emotionally and personally, then maybe I'd actually get some of it. I think maybe I don't get anything and I always feel so unfulfilled because I think I need more than I do.

I want to cut but I can't
I want to eat but I can't
My soul is weary
And I can't breath

I'm so scared, and I'm so alone. And it's heartbreaking.

I know...

that I am unlovable. I wish it weren't so but sometimes there are things you just can't help.

Lately I feel as if my life is a Lifetime movie and I don't like that.

______

.....I could say a lot of things, but I'm not sure any of them would be the right thing to say at this point in time. I'm not sure anything is right anymore. I have no control over my own life. It's not my own. I am helpless. The world is so big and there are so many people in it. And not a single one has time for me. I'm trying my hardest to make that ok and I can't do it. Man was not meant to live alone, trapped in their own thoughts. I have to go to work today. And I just want to drive off and never come back. And yet I won't because I have responsibilities to people. And I try to keep my word and my promises. It's times like these that make me wish I could meet people like myself. Yes I hate myself but at least I have some integrity. That's a lost thing nowadays....integrity. Or maybe I'm just a lost person. Maybe this place isn't where I'm meant to be. Maybe that's why I drift among everyone else insulated in myself.
maybe.

You always know

That you suck.

but you try to hide it from yourself because you just aren't sure that you do. You want to believe that you don't.

I'm tired.

Of being overtalkative. Loud. Undependable.

I just don't like being me anymore. It makes me sad. Horribly sad.

......

"Hey, ain't life wonderful? Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful... Isn't it wonderful now?"

I close my eyes when I get too sad
I think thoughts that I know are bad
Close my eyes and I count to ten
Hope it's over when I open them

I want the things that I had before
Like a Star Wars poster on my bedroom door
I wish I could count to ten
Make everything be wonderful again

Hope my mom and I hope my dad
Will figure out why they get so mad
Hear them scream, I hear them fight
They say bad words that make me wanna cry

Close my eyes when I go to bed
And I dream of angels who make me smile
I feel better when I hear them say
Everything will be wonderful someday

Promises mean everything when you're little
And the world's so big
I just don't understand how
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes
Tell me everything is wonderful now

Please don't tell me everything is wonderful now

I go to school and I run and play
I tell the kids that it's all okay
I laugh aloud so my friends won't know
When the bell rings I just don't wanna go home

Go to my room and I close my eyes
I make believe that I have a new life
I don't believe you when you say
Everything will be wonderful someday

Promises mean everything when you're little
And the world is so big
I just don't understand how
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes
When you tell me everything is wonderful now

No
No, I don't wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now
No
No, I don't wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now

I don't wanna hear you say
That I will understand someday
No, no, no, no
I don't wanna hear you say
You both have grown in a different way
No, no, no, no
I don't wanna meet your friends
And I don't wanna start over again
I just want my life to be the same
Just like it used to be
Some days I hate everything
I hate everything
Everyone and everything
Please don't tell me everything is wonderful now...

I don't wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now

I'm not gonna lie

I'm lonely. And I want comments. Even if it just says I read this shit and your life too pathetic to waste a coherent thought on then that's fine.

But comment.

I'm not so surprised

I didn't make the step team. Go figure. But it's okay. I tried out because I wanted to try a new thing. I wasn't laid out in the nurse's office crying over it. That's a bit much. I've worn shades to school for the past two days to combat a migraine headache that has been my buddy since Sunday. People crack jokes, but then again people are always laughing at me so no surprise there. None at all.

No one calls me anymore. I'm lonely. Yes I spend a lot of time doing homework or working or doing extracurriculars but I feel like I'm just drifting along in a sea of people by myself. And it would be nice if someone could email me for a change. Or when they talk to me, not make it seem as if I'm a last thought. I miss those days of falling asleep on the phone with someone because they cared enough to talk to me at two in the morning when I was feeling bad and couldn't sleep. I miss feeling like people actually like me.

Someone recently exposed the stupidity of not going to the doctor since last November to me. All I can say is I have no time so either make my dad well and go work a shift at Sonic for me so I can breathe or shut the fuck up about it. Shutting the fuck up seems to be the least expensive bet.

Forebaring

I feel all panicky. Like the slightest thing could send my heart racing. I'm not sure if it's because of my mounting loneliness and dissatisfaction with the status quo or the diet pills I started taking again. But my chest really hurts and so does my stomach. Not to mention I just feel jumpy and uncomfortable.

Something wicked this way comes...

I want...

a relationship. Preferrably a D/s one. It'd be pure bliss if I could find one with someone that switches.

I like being taken care of, but I also like to take care of others. I'm not sure how to explain how I feel about it. I just know that it's important to me to be in control in the next relationship I'm in. Because I don't want to suffer through heartbreak again. Control is something I thrive off of. But I also thrive from giving that control up. Which is why I think a relationship with a switch might be something to look into. I do know I'm tired of being lonely.

I miss taking care of someone. Hearing the little things about someone's day. I don't want to rush into something and get hurt again though. That's the only thing.