You may now address me as Madame Graduate

As of Friday, I am a high school graduate. I'm not the first person in my family to graduate nor will I be the last. I didn't graduate with honors. I got through it despite extreme emotional turmoil. A lot of the drama I had to deal with would have killed some people. I've cried more over the past two years than I had in the sixteen years that came before it. It was rough. But I did it.

Rebecca, Tim, Andrew, my two sisters, my little brother, and my parents were there. That's right, my parents. My daddy not only came but he got dressed up. Andrew wore a suit. It was......crazy. I was so happy. And everyone was happy for me.

After graduation, we all went to Olive Garden. My sister and her son (my nephew obviously) are EXTREMELY charismatic and so we all laughed throughout the whole dinner. Everyone was smiling and happy and it was great for me. It made me so happy.

After that, all the family went back to the house and my three friends and I went out to see Ocean's Thirteen. The movie was fun and so are they. And Andrew's new car is gonna be bitchin'. There are so many inside jokes from that day now. And it came out that a lot of things are changing. Tim is partying less and staying focused on his grind. BeccaMarie (inside joke) is so much closer to loving herself and Andrew is happier now. He's so much more like the man I met almost two years ago.

Friday was wonderful.

wishes

I wish I were strong enough to approach everyone I've ever disappointed and say I'm sorry. I'm so incredibly sorry. I mean it. Can't you tell I mean it?

I know I've always fallen short. And I know I've lied. And I know I've been selfish. But damn it I'm sorry. I really am.

I'm just......oh my god. I'm breaking down and apart. Totally falling. I'm not sure why. I guess it's just because I'm so completely and utterly alone. Unsupported really. Unloved. And just.....alone. So alone. And I hate it. Anyone that truly knows me knows I hate being alone. Hate hate hate hate it. Ugh I have class in ten minutes and I just can't fathom that at this point. Just the idea of getting up off this couch just seems so incredibly large. If I weren't so ugly and fat, it's possible that maybe my life would be a little bit better.

My soul is screaming from the pain

I'm mad and I'm sick and both are my faults. I'm sick of the lack of respect or recognition. And I'm physically sick. And I hate it. I don't ever get any of his attention unless he needs something. And it's the same way with my parents. And I hate it. (Hate is a recurring theme in this post can ya tell?) It just doesn't make any sense that this is how people feel they should treat me. It's really upsetting and I hate it. It's like no matter how hard I work, my mother is still cranky and bitchy and Andrew is still exhausted and unhappy. Nothing I do ever has any real effect on anyone. It sucks. Because it makes me feel useless. Not completely useless, but unhelpful to the people that matter to me and that's a little upsetting. What's also upsetting is that I can't seem to get any care. I give it but I do NOT receive it in the slightest. Like I've been hacking up a lung for the longest and all anyone can really seem to care about is how it's going to affect them. Which is the world's biggest load of shit. The absolute biggest.

Highly frustrated

I hate both of my jobs and I hate my house. But I'm working on fixing all of that. But it's hard to be able to cope with the dissatisfaction I'm dealing with from everything. I'm really not happy with anything that's going on in my life right now. Except for the way my friendship with Andrew is progressing. That and that I see more connection with Stephen in the future. Which is good. I like reconnecting with people.

I said on Wednesday I didn't want to spend the night at Andrew's.....you know and I know and EVERYONE knows that was a straight lie. I swear that boy can make me smile just by breathing. He's a really amazing person. I resent all the time over the past year and a half that we spent arguing.

Peekabo!

So it's been a while since I've been on here to write something. I have been reading the blogs of others, but I've also been very busy. That and my father fucked up the internet at my house. I barely get any internet time. It sucks. But then again lots of things suck. I've been spending a lot of time at Andrew's place so that has something to do with it too. My job at Farm Fresh is sucking right now. I mean really really sucking. I have to find a new one. Let's hope that the job I'm trying to get with FedEx goes through. Cross fingers and all that shit. My head hurts a shit load right now. I mean like someone sharpened a standard sized pipe and stabbed me right above my left eye with it. It hurts so so so damn bad. Today is Valentine's Day. I personally think it's a pointless commercial holiday. I mean totally pointless. But maybe that's just because I never ever get anything and I'm horribly bitter. That probably has a good deal to do with it. I do so much for people and I get shit. Shit as in nothing what so ever. I might be moving out of my house and getting an apartment with Andrew. Well that's not all true. I will most definitely move out of my house. I MIGHT move in with Andrew. That's....interesting and complicated. I'm going to go try to remove my head now because it's bothering me. Actually I'm going to finish the rest of what I needed to do online so I can hurry up and leave Andrew's. Cause that's where I am now. If I could only cast off what offends me.....there'd be no me left. A lot of me and the people around me offend me. Eh whatever.

I haven't been spending a lot of time at home lately as I'm sure you can tell. I'm very unhappy working at Kat's but it's still better than my house and so I chill there a lot. I'm not unhappy because her kids are all that difficult. It's just that I don't get paid enough to do what I do for them. I do a lot of shit. But it's dependable money so I do it. I'm getting to resent the FUCK out of it though. I mean the fuck. Aggravated by like everything. That's what I am at this point. Anywho, my family misses me, the extra driver. Not me, the sister or the daughter. Which is some shit. But I digress. Actually I don't. My headache that I got like ten minutes ago has very quickly progressed into a migraine. Which sucks because I can not drive myself home now. Motherfuckin sonofagoddamnbitch. I wanted to go home. I actually wanted to be at my house for once. That's so rare. And instead I'm stuck here. Nice. Grr. The point of this new paragraph though was that my mother either wants me to spend more time at home and "contribute" more (whatever the fuck that means) or pay storage fees for my shit. HA!! Fuck that. Fuck that in the ass.

maybe i am violent?

I want....

1. a boy who will love me and only me. Who will be satisfied with me just the way I am but rejoice when I get better and be firm and supportive when I backslide. Who's good and unselfish in bed. Who won't tell me how hot he finds other girls because he respects my feelings.
   
2. a father who doesn't yell at me for making the simplest mistakes. Who loves me as I am not as I should be. Who isn't afraid to say I love you.
3. a better looking, better running car.
   
4. a nicer brother.
5. a mother who has more in common with me. Who doesn't think that talking to me is a waste of time.
   
6. better grades.
7. more money.
8. more friends.
   
9. a different high school.
10. things to be the way they used to be about 5 years ago.
    

Damn I want a lot. No wonder I'm always disappointed.

FUCK

THE FRAY
How To Save A Life

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

BONNIE TYLER
Total Eclipse Of The Heart

(Turn around)
Every now and then
I get a little bit lonely
And you're never coming round

(Turn around)
Every now and then
I get a little bit tired
Of listening to the sound of my tears

(Turn around)
Every now and then
I get a little bit nervous
That the best of all the years have gone by

(Turn around)
Every now and then I get a little bit terrified
And then I see the look in your eyes
(Turn Around, bright eyes)
Every now and then I fall apart
(Turn Around, bright eyes)
Every now and then
I fall apart

(Turn around)
Every now and then
I get a little bit restless
And I dream of something wild
(Turn around)
Every now and then
I get a little bit helpless
And I'm lying like a child in your arms
(Turn around)
Every now and then
I get a little bit angry
And I know I've got to get out and cry
(Turn around)
Every now and then
I get a little bit terrified
But then I see the look in your eyes
(Turn Around, bright eyes)
Every now and then
I fall apart
Turn around, bright eyes
Every now and then
I fall apart

And I need you now tonight
And I need you more than ever
And if you only hold me tight
We'll be holding on forever
And we'll only be making it right
'Cause we'll never be wrong
Together we can take it to the end of the line
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time
(All of the time)
I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark
We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks
I really need you tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight
(Forever's gonna start tonight)

Once upon a time
I was falling in love
But now I'm only falling apart
There's nothing I can do
A total eclipse of the heart

Once upon a time there was light in my life
But now there's only love in the dark
Nothing I can say
A total eclipse of the heart

[Instrumental Interlude]

(Turn Around, bright eyes)
(Turn Around, bright eyes)

(Turn around)
Every now and then
I know you'll never be the boy
You always wanted to be
(Turn around)
But every now and then
I know you'll always be the only boy
Who wanted me the way that I am
(Turn around)
Every now and then
I know there's no one in the universe
As magical and wondrous as you
(Turn around)
Every now and then
I know there's nothing any better
There's nothing that I just wouldn't do
(Turn Around, bright eyes)
Every now and then I fall apart
(Turn Around, bright eyes)
Every now and then I fall apart

And I need you now tonight
And I need you more than ever
And if you only hold me tight
We'll be holding on forever
And we'll only be making it right
'Cause we'll never be wrong
Together we can take it to the end of the line
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time
(All of the time)
I don't know what to do
I'm always in the dark
Living in a powder keg and giving off sparks
I really need you tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight
(Forever's gonna start tonight)

Once upon a time I was
I was falling in love
But now I'm only falling apart
There's nothing I can do
A total eclipse of the heart

Once upon a time there was light in my life
But now there's only love in the dark
Nothing I can say
A total eclipse of the heart

A total eclipse of the heart
A total eclipse of the heart
(Turn Around, bright eyes)
(Turn Around, bright eyes)
(Turn around)

You're so demanding

I try.

Really really hard. Quit asking me for more than I'm capable of. Just stop already. You're killing me.

Maybe...

I'm not as sick of the status quo as I like to think that I am. After all, if I were, I'd like to think I would have changed it by now. So, I guess I'm quite complacent and I just don't know it.

I have been reassured of something recently so that's good I guess. It's good to be aware of stuff. Also it makes it easier to share things with you guys. You three lone people. I haven't met anyone through this particular blog. I do tons of things that should result in stables of new friends and I still end up lonely. Cause apparently I'm a bitch. But if being honest makes me a bitch then I'm not changing for anyone. Cause I enjoy being a bitch. So yeah. Suck it.

There's this cute guy. His name is Brandon. I wasn't upfront with him and so he's not speaking to me. And I'm saddened by this because he was cute and funny and really easy to talk to. I haven't known him very long at all, but based on our few conversations, I really want to get to know him better. And I fucked that up. Much like I fuck up everything else.

I've made an important college decision. I'm going to get an apartment and go straight to work. To allow myself and my mother to save up more money so she can get some bills paid up. We were in no way shape or form prepared for a rainy day such as this. A couple of thousand dollars worth of bills got slammed on my mother from hidden credit cards my father got. So I'm just going to wait.

Only in my house

Last night. Or Monday morning to be as accurate as possible. It was around one am. I'd been upstairs looking for a flash drive so I could set up the new wireless network since I can't seem to find all the right codes to access the one we have here. Plus I figure if I set it up then I'll just know everything and can get everyone on track. We have two desktops and two laptops, it'd be nice if everyone could get online at the same time. Anyway, I come downstairs after doing that to just hack into my neighbor's wireless and show some love to my new laptop, which I'm on, and my mother is in the kitchen. She is making (and drinking) mimosas. At one in the morning.

Only at my house. Only at my house.

ick part deux

I'm allergic to cigarette smoke. But because I hate for people to not LOVE me, I have let someone smoke in my car. And he's been a shithead about holding/funneling the smoke out of the window. So my throat is swollen. Not because of any virus but because I'm having an allergic reaction. boo.

First football game of the season tonight. We won. Beat up Hampton. My baby brother started. Number 62. I hate him but I'm proud of him.

Dinner afterwards with Becca, Courtney, and China was FUN, FUN, FUN.

ick

So it's about midnight. I was sleeping but I woke up to take out my contacts. Decided to get up and print off something to take into Government tomorrow. I love our discussions. I could argue politics and the state of the nation with Ben and David all day. Lauren too. I feel teribly. I'm not sure if it's because I'm tired or not. I can't remember eating dinner, but I've been arguing with my brother all evening about why I'm not at his beck and call as far as rides are concerned. (Someone lied to this poor boy and told him that since his sister got her license, he will always have his own personal ride and he will never have to carpool again. How sad.) After a couple of rounds of that, I slept the sleep of the dead and then woke up, so I'm a little disorientated. This all translates into me not being able to remember dinner if I had it. I don't want to eat in case I did because that's extra calories that I don't need. But I am hungry and perhaps a little weak from that. Ooo. Bad wording. I KNOW I'm a little (a lotta) weak. I'm just not sure why. I'm going to lay down before I throw up.

To everyone who's blog I read:
I don't remember most of your links off the top of my head. Once I get my laptop back, I will read up and comment on backposts.

Cars aren't my friend

So I figured I'd get up, go work out (worked out at Bally's last night for the first time, loved it), and hang out with Scott before he had to go to work.

Not so.

Mom didn't pick up Dad's insulin or test strips yesterday. Funny thing, she forgot to mention that to me. Dad of course starts screaming at me like it's my fault. So I'm getting up scrabbling to get dressed to get his meds and Mom walks in with it like it's no fucking deal. This man has been screaming and ranting and raving for (no lie) 15 minutes straight. I'm fed up beyond belief. Like bust a blood vessel fed up. And she just waltzes in. After that, I take Matt to get his cleat spikes. That he absolutely must have. After driving to Va Beach and back to drop him off, I get to see Scott. Hurray Scott. He made me smile and laugh which is what makes me consider him a friend. We chilled and then we go to leave. He has to work and I have to go home because he has to work. The charge light was on in my car on the way to his house. Lo and behold, it would not start when we were getting ready to leave. Maybe the universe was trying to tell us to hop back into bed. I don't know. Basically, I bitched and cried like a baby and acted like a punk because I HATE feeling like I'm asking people to go out of their way to help me. I'm afraid, deep on the inside that people won't like me because I ask them for things. And secretly, I just wanna be liked. After that, I get home and Dad is fussing and I'm like what the fuck ever dude. I have Mom take me to work because upon further inspection, my battery AND my alternator are/were shit. So I replaced the battery and now have to get the alternator rewired. Fuck and a half. Work was FUCKING SHIT. I'm looking for another job. One that pays well and doesn't drive me to drink. A thought occured to me tonight that I shall share.

The days I get laid are supposed to be golden. Especially when it's not just good, but happy. Sex with Scott is not as casual as I thought. But neither is it relationship, let's talk marriage sex. It's you're my friend that I can confide in and you make me laugh sex. Very good for the spirit. Scott is good people. Very good people. I shall miss him when he leaves. Laughing isn't easy for me you know. And making me laugh just comes naturally to him. Which is pretty cool. He's fairly cool.

I guess that was a couple of thoughts.

What's the point?

So things here at the house have been a little hectic lately. I'm not feeling all that much better either. But that's neither here nor there. In the essence of sticking to a specific topic of my choosing, it's quite insignificant.

Oftentimes there are things, places, people in your life that you should let go. But you don't because the familiar is better than the unknown. Well perhaps not better, but safer. It's better to choose the evil you know versus the one that you don't. At times I wonder if there's any point in making a choice at all, especially if you're going to be fucked over in the end regardless of the choice that you make.

Very few instances in the world today have any basis in fact or any real purpose to speak of. People in today's world are implusive, flighty, and just generally irresponsible. While that's a part of who I am and I thrive that way, at times I wish for people of substance. People who stand by their words, convictions, and actions. But alas, there's no reason to ask what's the point of hoping for that because there is no point. Because with the advancement of society, it's becoming more and more customary for people to shirk responsibility.

Although pain can come crashing at you like a rocket, let your blade be your shield and the tears of your blood become the balm that heals your world of the destruction.

Yes that time in my life is back. I could be sad about that, but as the title says what's the point?

Letters and Phone Calls

So a few days ago, I wrote letters to Andrew and Devin telling them I couldn't have them in my life anymore. I have no extra energy for one-sided relationships. Not anymore. Ever since Dad got sick, my whole family structure has been rearranged. Nothing's really the same. It never will be again. I need to start looking out for myself. No one else is going to. And it's not their job too. Andrew called me today. The only reason I picked up the phone is because I know he hasn't gotten the letter yet. (I mailed it on a Saturday afternoon and he went home for a visit on Monday.) Across town or not, I know it's sitting there for him to read. I told him about it and said if he had any thoughts about it he could call me when he got home. Didn't want to take the edge off of his happy. We'll see what happens with that. I simply can't wait for the i'm-gonna-kill-myself-now-and-i-love-love-love-you-and-this-doesn't-surprise-me-i'm-the-
fuckup-everyone-always-leaves-that's-why-my-mom-gave-me-up-why-don't-i-just-stab-myself-
would-you-love-me-then? phone call I KNOW I'll get once he gets his letter. He being Devin. Whatever. I can't be concerned with his stuff anymore. If he wants to throw his life away that's his business. I'm not going to let him drag me down alongside him though. I suppose whatever tiny bit of friendship I ever had with Andrew could be salvageable, but can I afford to put that much work into something that hasn't worked yet? I'm tired of caring about someone that can't be bothered to tell me when they have to have their stomach pumped. I don't have the energy. Who knows? We'll see later. Just not now. I have exams to fail. Because I'm stupid. I could study, but discrete math....I'm not passing that shit. Not to sure about the others either.

By the way, tomorrow, I have my road test. My mother at first signed for the school to keep my damn 90 temp license. If she didn't provoke me, I wouldn't do things like get out of the car in traffic and walk down the street. (I've only done it twice.) But we finally agreed on me getting it and bringing it home and giving it to her to hold until the end of the week. But I have to be good from now until then. Gah. I just want to be able to go grab Starbucks or Sonic when I'm enraged. Or something since eating like that will definately make me fat again. My "anger" issues are a side effect of my untreated depression. Which I just don't have the time to treat. I've got a full plate of activities to make up for the slacking I did this year in extracirriculars because of the suspension. It'd be a lot worse if I were drinking heavily like I was before. I'd be running people over with the car instead of getting out of it and walking away from an arguement. Bleh, whatever.

Look at the time........happy motherfucking birthday. I'm grabbing some vodka, I need to fall asleep before 4 in the morning. Or maybe I'll take a vicodin. Or perhaps both. I dunno, I'll figure something out, I need sleep like a hooker needs a douche.

I'm not....

going to let circumstances strangle the life out of me like my mother has. I'm just...not. Fuck that. I'm not going down without a fight. Hell no.