The problem with the gays in VA

The pool is too small. That's basically what it is. Boyfriends and hookups and best friends get recycled. And then feelings get hurt.

OMG what if it's 6 months instead of 4 weeks??

I'll go insane.

Johnny Cash
I Walk the Line

I keep a close watch on this heart of mine
I keep my eyes wide open all the time
I keep the ends out for the tie that binds
Because you're mine, I walk the line

I find it very, very easy to be true
I find myself alone when each day is through
Yes, I'll admit that I'm a fool for you
Because you're mine, I walk the line

As sure as night is dark and day is light
I keep you on my mind both day and night
And happiness I've known proves that it's right
Because you're mine, I walk the line

You've got a way to keep me on your side
You give me cause for love that I can't hide
For you I know I'd even try to turn the tide
Because you're mine, I walk the line

I keep a close watch on this heart of mine
I keep my eyes wide open all the time
I keep the ends out for the tie that binds
Because you're mine, I walk the line

Oh the possibilities

I hung out with Stephen yesterday. It was a lot of fun. It also raised some questions in my mind. More than I had when I went over there.

We talked a bit about the Andrew situation. If you don't already know, a while back him and I had talked about being roommates. Then both of us sort of backed off of it because he figured it'd be a while before he was able to move out of the barracks and that I should try to move out of my parents' house before that. Well he brought it up again recently but in a slightly different form. He may be getting custody of Erica soon and he of course needs a roommate. But not just for financial reasons. Like I'm sure I've also mentioned, he's going out on a 6 month cruise at the end of September. Guess who he wants taking care of Erica while he's gone? Yep, this little lady right here. Stephen says that he's trying to marry me. If you look at it, we're going to be doing the married person thing without having the actual committment. Which Steve says appeals to the two of us because neither of us are ready for it.

What if he's right? What if Andrew has feelings for me that are close to what I have for him and he just can't come out and say it? The concept that things with him could be as I want them to is mind-boggling. I mean it's just.....wow. Steve's theory adds more to the already bubbling cauldron of thoughts that's brewing in my head. I'm so worried about adding more pain to this little girl's life. She's already been through so so much. And I don't want to break her heart again. And I don't want my heart broken because instead of just losing the love of my life to another woman, I'm losing a daughter too. I'm just really worried about the situation. And I miss Andrew. We have to do some MAJOR talking when he gets back. Major. *le sigh*

What's your thoughts folks?

The Peanut Gallery.....

needs to wake up and speak up. Feedback on my life that I'm pouring out here for your eyes would be greatly appreciated.

Hallmark Cards and Doctor Visits

Hallmark has a new collection of cards out for the occasions that are new to our time. Three examples of things you could give cards from this collection for are: someone adopting a new baby, someone reaching a year of sobriety or a new divorcee. While it is interesting that they have created cards for situations such as these, it is even more interesting that people would want to give cards in these situations in the first place. Someone manages to be sober for a year and all you can do is grab a card from Wal-Mart and sign it? What the fuck? That's a bit cheap, emotionally and hell financially speaking.

I went to the doctor Thursday. I was supposed to go on Wednesday but Mom told me the wrong date. So I was there on Thursday. I had to wait an hour to get a standby appointment and it was with a different doctor. I wasn't happy. I have Mom schedule my appointments because if they need further permission to treat, they need her because I'm 17. She didn't show. Talked to someone over the phone. I feel like she's not interested in my life because I'm not living it her way. That's fucked up if you ask me. She's my mom. I want and need her around in the appropiate amount. It's gay that she's pulling back on that because I'm not doing what she wants. I'm still living well. Getting my education. What's her deal? Anyway, I had to have x-rays of my legs. The tech complimented my legs which apparently are long enough to warrant being x-rayed in sections because my whole leg doesn't fit in a screen. Cool.

I'm bored and worried and that worries me

Well Andrew is out to sea. And I haven't heard from him yet. Then again I have no idea if anyone has heard from him since he went out Tuesday morning. And it's only very early Saturday morning. I don't know. He was kinda weird when he left. But he's always like that before he goes out. He means a lot to me and I'm worried about my place in his life. It's scary. Not to mention a little stressful because I just can't drive out there and talk to him about it. It's bothersome.

I really had no idea how much of my time he took up. I have NOTHING to do lately. Wow.

It's not easy, but nothing's supposed to be

I watched tonight's episode of True Life. It was about self-harm. They followed the standard format and had three people up there. One pulled her hair and the other two were cutters. On was strictly a cutter and the other one also chemically burned her skin. The hair puller was hard to watch because it made me think of how Mom's missing most of her hair because of the whole fiasco that went down the night of senior banquet. Lots of times in life bad things happen. And there's nothing you can do about it but deal. When I look back over my life, I'm surprised I can get up and smile anyday. It's a miracle I don't self harm anymore. It also has a lot to do with people in my life. There's some talks that need to be had.

I'm using this time that Andrew's out on det to reconnect with other people and get caught up on a lot of loose ends. It's been good.

We're on an upswing now, I told you we were stars girl

Things are most definitely going a lot better than they were. I have a job now with Map Communications. I start after PRIDE conference on the 16th of April. I'll start out at $8 an hour and there are opportunities to quickly increase my wage. There are plenty of benefits that go with this job and it's going to allow me to attend school full time in the evening and also be home for Erica if that's needed of me. While nothing is set in stone yet, if it comes up I want to be prepared.
I've gone to the gym twice this week and I feel alive. I'm going to continue to make time for it, that is definitely for sure. I'm going to really make an effort to live healthier. Since I'm not so bogged down and underpaid, I feel happier and so I have more energy to devote to bettering myself.
I sat down with a counselor to map out my degree plan at TCC. I'm going for an associate's degree in social science. It'll transfer to ODU with no problem and I'll be able to help people later in life.

Life is good right now.

Make the screams stop

You know, I've been walking this earth for seventeen years. I'm not sure I've learned and retained as much as I could have. Anxiety is a very shitty thing to have to deal with. So is mental anguish.

I feel disappointed right now. Disappointed that I still haven't proven myself after all of this time. I'm not sure I ever will. That's a big thing to just sit and look at. It's like a wall. It's defeat. To just admit that no matter what you do you're going to fail.

I just hate everything right now. Everything. It's frustrating. My feelings are hurt to say the least. I know this is very cryptic but maybe I'll come back and expand it later and fill in the missing pieces. Maybe not. Probably not. Because I know what I'm going through and that's eventually all that matters. Friends are pointless as I continue to learn over and over again.

Stars
Your Ex-lover Is Dead
God that was strange to see you again
Introduced by a friend of a friend
Smiled and said 'yes I think we've met before'
In that instant it started to pour,
Captured a taxi despite all the rain
We drove in silence across pont champlain
And all of the time you thought I was sad
I was trying to remember your name...

This scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin
Tried to reach deep but you couldn't get in
Now you're outside me
You see all the beauty
Repent all your sin

It's nothing but time and a face that you lose
I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose
[ Lyrics found on http://www.metrolyrics.com ]

I'll write you a postcard
I'll send you the news
From a house down the road from real love...

Live through this, and you won't look back...
Live through this, and you won't look back...
Live through this, and you won't look back...

There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave
You were what I wanted
I gave what I gave
I'm not sorry I met you
I'm not sorry it's over
I'm not sorry there's nothing to say

I'm not sorry there's nothing to say...

It's events like those of the past week that make me feel like I'm not worth anyone's trust, or anyone's love, or anyone's respect. They make me feel like I'm not worth anything.

The story is sad but the love is magical

BRAD PAISLEY LYRICS
"Whiskey Lullaby" (feat. Alison Krauss)
She put him out like the burnin' end of a midnight cigarette
She broke his heart he spent his whole life tryin' to forget
We watched him drink his pain away a little at a time
But he never could get drunk enough to get her off his mind
Until the night

[1st Chorus]
He put that bottle to his head and pulled the trigger
And finally drank away her memory
Life is short but this time it was bigger
Than the strength he had to get up off his knees
We found him with his face down in the pillow
With a note that said I'll love her till I die
And when we buried him beneath the willow
The angels sang a whiskey lullaby

(Sing lullaby)

The rumors flew but nobody knew how much she blamed herself
For years and years she tried to hide the whiskey on her breath
She finally drank her pain away a little at a time
But she never could get drunk enough to get him off her mind
Until the night

[2nd Chorus]
She put that bottle to her head and pulled the trigger
And finally drank away his memory
Life is short but this time it was bigger
Than the strength she had to get up off her knees
We found her with her face down in the pillow
Clinging to his picture for dear life
We laid her next to him beneath the willow
While the angels sang a whiskey lullaby

(Sing lullaby)

Jobless and ok with it

Rest assured people. I have interviews next week. I know I spend WAY too much to jobless for long. But it's going to be ok for the amount of time that I am. I was just tired of being shit on for absolutely nothing. If I'm going to be working full time, I should have SOMETHING to show for it. And I have nothing because I was getting nothing from Kat but grief. I'm not even going to speak on that. All I will say is you can't expect kids to listen to someone you belittle. And you should have the balls to say it to that person's face. Farm Fresh is a whole nother load of shit. You WILL NOT accuse me of faking being sick in front of customers when I have just thrown up. If I can't transfer to another location then I'm quitting. I had them take me off the schedule until Jamie gets back to me about the status of my transfer. So I might as well not work there.

I have to learn to consistently stick up for myself. It's more than a little fucked up that that is the lesson I'm learning at 17.

I hate music that fits with my heart and life sometimes

THE FRAY
Look After You

If I don't say this now I will surely break
As I'm leaving the one I want to take
Forgive the urgency but hurry up and wait
My heart has started to separate

Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh
Be my baby
Oh, oh, oh
I'll look after you

There now, steady love, so few come and don't go
Will you won't you, be the one I always know
When I'm losing my control, the city spins around
You're the only one who knows, you slow it down

Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh
Be my baby
Oh, oh, oh
I'll look after you

If ever there was a doubt
My love she leans into me
This most assuredly counts
She says most assuredly

Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh
Be my baby
I'll look after you

It's always have and never hold
You've begun to feel like home
What's mine is yours to leave or take
What's mine is yours to make your own

Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh
Be my baby
Oh, oh, oh

Changes that aren't really changes

Dude. Same old shit, different motherfucking week.

Daddy went to jail last week. Early Friday morning. It was because he assaulted Mom in the process of trying to physically throw me out of the house. I feel guilty about it, but I think a part of me that was always sheltering his behavior died. I'm a little more grown up. It's sad it had to happen this way. But what are you going to do when you're the little girl that's just too motherfucking blind to realize her father doesn't hang the moon but in fact is a shithead that lies, manipulates and goes out of his way to hurt the people that are stupid enough to love him. Which at this point is me and me only. Because I'm pathetic. Whatever.

Some different things are happening with Andrew. But it's all dramatic and of course there are females involved so essentially ain't a goddamn thing changed. Things have changed but they haven't. Because that's just my life. That's how it'll be until I'm fucking dead. C'est la vie. C'est la motherfuckin' vie bitches.

My car is a piece of shit. A fucking piece of shit. Tell me why it seems I'm going to have to replace the fucking timing belt AGAIN. Second time in 7 months. That's some shit. Life is shit. The only difference is how much ends up on your boots.

Addressing Stephen's comment

I must be what I have stated that I am. All evidence points to that conclusion.

During the night

Nighttime is when it's the worst. Every mean thing, every loud cruel laugh, every shortcoming that's ever been directed to me comes rushing back at me like a train. It just consumes me. Every mistake I've ever made comes back, every failure. They all come screaming back at me in the night.

I.....

sense an argument coming up. I'm not sure with who. But I feel it. I talked to an old friend the other day. His cancer was upgraded to stage four. I feel bad for him but I still won't date him. I just...relationships aren't for me. They're not. I'm a fat, cheap whore. I wasn't meant to have friends or meaningful relationships. That's why they've never worked. (I can NOT believe it took me that long to figure that out.) Sometimes I'm really dense you know. Eh, it's a non-issue. Senior banquet is coming up. I'm semi-excited about this. One day I'm going to take some time and just read over my archives. That's the whole point of blogging you know. Knowing where you've been so you can get some sense of where to go.

Discontent

I can't wait to move away. Hell I can't wait until I turn 18. A lot of things are going to be opened to me. And I'm gonna love it. I guess. I don't know. I just want to be left alone lately. And it's not even really that I'm struggling something. I'm just sick of faking it. I'm not happy with my life. Or any of the people in it really. I don't really like either of my employers, I'm sick of my parents wanting to control me and putting down all of my thoughts, ideas, and dreams. All my friends are fake. They use me. Every last single one. And I let it be that way because I feel like I don't deserve any better. And I guess I really don't. I don't know. I'm not sure I give a damn.

I'm a whore. Plain and simple. I can sorta see how the rest of my life is going to pan out. Go to college. Make some decent friends. Have kids. Be successful at my job. Die. It really doesn't seem that bad. And besides that's all I'm really supposed to have anyway. Some people aren't supposed to have relationships and closeness. I'm not sure why the media and society is constantly perpetuating the idea that everyone has to be paired off to be ok. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so cheap and easy to take advantage of.

Those are just the facts

Sometimes I think I shouldn't be allowed to sit by myself and think all that much. I don't know. I've just come to the realization that I'm a whore. Hell I'm a cheap whore. I exchange my self-respect for a few seconds of attention because I'm so conditioned to believe that I don't deserve attention. Which is true. I'm loud and mildly violent. I latch onto people entirely too quickly because I'm lonely. I've been lonely all my life really. I never really liked moving around all the time. I never got a chance to connect to anyone. I hated it. I hate myself.