I'm Fucking Done

No more. Last straw.

By the way, I left and now I'm back

I went on a church trip to Philly. And now I'm back. It was a good trip. It was a bad trip. I'll write more about it later.

It hurts

Andrew's away right now as I'm sure you know. Actually I'm sure you're tired of hearing about me bitching about how he's not here and how I miss him. But to my point.

He really doesn't like the people he works with on the boat. He's incredibly unhappy. And I feel bad for him. Because he's SO incredibly frustrated. And there's nothing I can do for him while I'm here. All I can do is just support him through emails. I just feel like it's not enough. Tone isn't always properly conveyed through the written word. A hug is better than a note in my opinion. And on top of that he just got some bad news about his adopted family and his hands are tied as far as helping them out. When shit goes down with the family of your flesh it's one thing. It's painful. But when something happens with the family of your heart, and you can't do an thing about it, it hurts. And I wish I could hold him while he's hurting. I wish he was home so he could sleep.

I miss him to the point of distraction. Things happen and I want to share them with him and I can, but I can't because he's not here. I want to discuss Nick with him in person. And I want him to come with me to get my car. The main thing I miss is sleeping with him. Just regularly sleeping. I slept in a double bed in the hotel. And I kept reaching my leg and my arm over to lay across him, but he wasn't there. And I'd wake up sad. A couple of times a night. It wasn't restful. Which is a shame because the bed was so cushy and nice.

He's hurting and I can't help. And I miss him.

Jumbled minds

There's Dad stuff and growing up stuff and Andrew stuff and apartment stuff all jumbled around in my head. I'm a touch tired. I want to be able to say what I want to say about all of these different things, but I don't even know how to word things. So I can't write about life matters if I can't even think them out in my head. And that's frustrating. Because I want to be able to think them out. It's not sad, it just is.

I've made a decision concerning Nick. I'd like to talk to him about it first, but I'll discuss it here later. I know some people are looking forward to it. I considered your advice quite heavily people let me tell you. Yall made me think. Although Mama summed it up pretty well. Mama is the shit. Fo' sho.

That's just how it is

My myspace isn't set to private. My Facebook is as public as I can make it. I'm an open person. I like who I am and that's just what it is. I hate the idea of secrets. I have the balls to think it therefore I have the balls to say it. That's right. I have a set of balls. Big, ole steel ones bitches.

I have my friends and I've slept with the people I've slept with. I'm not ashamed of anything I've done really. Except for maybe one sexual experience. But we'll chalk that up to inexperience and let it go. Bottom line, I like the friends I've made over the course of the past 18 years. They're good people. They're supportive and they're loving. And as for the lucky men, of whom there are not too many but just enough, you guys are some BLESSED sons of bitches. For reals.

I am black. I am chunky. That is just it. If that's embarrassing for you then you're shallow and you don't deserve to have me grace your presence anyway. The least you can do is be adult about it. If people important to you have an issue with my skin color, you need to do one of two things:

1. Evaluate the people you know.
2. Wave goodbye to me.

Do not try to have your cake and eat it too. You WILL lose every single time. Every time. So just don't go there. I'm nothing to be ashamed of. If you are, you just can't be my friend. Or we just can't be romantically involved. You'll be sad but you'll get over it.

The above isn't directed to anyone in particular. I was just going over past experiences and thinking....eh fuck that. That shouldn't have happened. And won't happen again. I am nothing to be ashamed of. I feel bad for people that can't speak openly about the lives they lead and HIDE everything. It would drive me crazy.

The next part is directed to two people in particular. I won't say any names but they know who they are. I'm always the good girl that doesn't start anything and I'm over cowering. I'm going to vent.

Blonde(ish) # 1: I do not care how long you have known Stephen. It is of no importance to me. No one is trying to steal him or turn him against you and your family. Here's the thing: You're like fucking twenty are you not? I haven't let my mother disrespect my friends or friends of my friends, or anyone that hasn't earned it since I was 14. Grow a damn spine and put a leash on her. Do not blame her for the shit YOU say. Besides that, who the fuck are you to put a wall between my friend and I? I feel like I can't even talk to him because of you and your psychotic, clingy ass. I miss my friend and it sucks. Don't get me wrong, I totally understand spending all of your free time with the one that gets your blood flowing. But I sit there face to face with him and your vile, nasty attitude and feelings towards me are right there in between us. I'm not sure why you don't feel woman enough to have him have opinionated friends AND you in his life, but I think it's sad. I'm not sure why no one can care deeply about him except for you but again I say it's sad. Control Stephen if you want to as long as you make him happy. Sometimes life doesn't make sense, but ok. But end it there. Seriously if I hear one more thing about you going psycho bitch on his siblings, I will do what their MOTHER (not you by the way) has taught them NOT to do. It is not your place to discipline or terrorize them in their own house. I will do what someone should have done a while ago. I will smack the shit out of you. You got into something that had nothing to do with you and made it ten times worse. Things still aren't back the way they used to be/should be. And that is your fault. And yes I have held onto it. It's concerning a friend and so it's important to me. You owe me an apology for the shit you said about my intelligence. If you have a question ask it. Don't assume shit and call me names you crazy bitch. (Since you haven't apologized and things still aren't fixed, I've taken the liberty of calling you a few things and venting out my frustrations. I now consider the slate clean and am 50% happy.)

Blonde #2: This has been coming for a VERY VERY VERY long time. It is a goddamn shame the law had to get involved before I could get some peace. My family life is very mixed up now and has been for some time. I don't need your shit. Let us rewind shall we? Two years ago. You make up family emergencies to pull him away from other friends. Me included. I think it's odd but I get over it. It's what he wants to do so he can go ahead and do it. It always has to be about you all of the time. I hang out with him and he makes the mistake of telling you and wham! You are blowing his phone up and screaming at him. You then get my number and blow it up every time we hang out together. This goes on for about a year to a year and a half. Every time it happens, I let it go and DON'T snatch you bald/knock all your teeth down your throat/break your arms because Andrew begs me not to. Plain and simple. Instead of bitching at him every time he reacts in a way you don't like, you need to kiss the ground he walks on. Let's fast forward to present day. You have a nice, stable guy for a boyfriend. I wouldn't pick him, but everyone goes for different things in a person. He treats you like the good person you're not. More power to him for putting up with your shit. You try your hardest to fuck that up by trying to fool around with Andrew, but it doesn't work because cheating is wrong and Andrew is entirely too good of a person to be "the other man". He said you were friends only and no matter how much you want to mess that up and "crazy" yourself out of yet another boyfriend, he refused to move from that. I'm not sure why people put up with you but I'm not one of those people. If I didn't think that you would have harassed/bothered/driven James crazy like you tried to do to Andrew when served the charges the Friday Drew left, I would have COMPLETELY followed through. Because I know I'll never get an apology that means anything from you and that's the next best thing. I felt bad for James because he seems like a great guy that hasn't done anything to earn the displeasure of dating you. By the way, the 50 million fucking calls to Andrew trying to have him "talk" to me were not only rude, but unproductive. I think for myself. If he didn't stop me from filing a report and pressing charges what makes you think he'd get me to drop them. And you knew good and well that he had to be up early. Because of you, he woke up that morning with a migraine so intense he could barely move. What kind of "friend" fucking does that?
Let's discuss something you've brought up several times over the phone, through ims, and through Facebook. Because over the next year, I WILL NOT hear shit about this from you. I am a generous person. And not just with Andrew. My mother frequently gets a dozen roses. My brother has nice clothes and a PSP. Several of my friends get gas money, or money to go get pierced or a variety of other things. I run errands for people and help friends in anyway that I can. THAT IS THE KIND OF PERSON I AM. Just because you are not generous does not mean you need to be jealous of my generosity. I don't buy affection, respect, or "quality time" from anyone. Anyone that I'm buddy buddy with knows if they want to call because they need an ear, my phone is on 24/7. If something material can make someone I care about smile, or I can do something to make them smile, and I'm able; then it's as good as done.
DO NOT DISCUSS THIS AGAIN. I DON'T LIKE HAVING MY FRIENDSHIPS QUESTIONED.
THIS IS HOW IT IS: YOU'RE ON YOUR LAST STRIKE. START SHIT AGAIN WITH ME AND NEITHER ANDREW NOR JAMES WILL BE ABLE HELP YOU. LEARN TO HANDLE YOUR OWN ISSUES; YOU'RE TWENTY YEARS OLD. BETTER YET, QUIT STARTING SHIT.
Finally, this is all I have to say: You've been trying for TWO YEARS to fuck my shit up with my friend and it HASN'T worked. Get a clue already. That is my boy. I have his back and he's got mine. And that's just how things are. Get over it.

I have vented and I feel SO much better now. Yes there will be fallout from this entry but like I said, I'm not ashamed of anything. Not my words and not my actions.

The slate is clean now as far as I am concerned. I have no more issues with Melissa Zawacki or Heather Grossman. I am 100% happy at this moment.

You can send me messages about this entry if you like, but let's be serious I'm not going to consider their content. I'll read them and leave it at that.

not sure what to say

I'm not sure what to say. I know I feel...I'm not sure how to say that either. I'd like to be able to write out some long, drawn-out entry about everything in my head and life, but that's a no-go.

It's back

the shaking

the rocking

the rapid breathing

the twitching

my anxiety is back. and i hate it.

And I just wanna be wanna be loved

I sit back and think sometimes and I realize that I'm never going to be in love. I'm never going to be in a relationship with someone that loves me as much as I love them. I'm never going to be loved. I'm destined to be alone.

It sucks.

My worst nightmare

I found a job that allows me to continue my bad sleeping habits. I'm never going to become a functioning member of society. Ever. I'm always going to be crazy, mixed-up, flying by the seat of her pants, insane, scatterbrained Joy.

At least I get laid more than the average normal person. Because they're like 35-40 and married to someone that's either bad in the sack or impossibly for them to love. Or both.

In some small way I'm better than the type of person I aspire to be right? Right. Totally right.

Moving in with Andrew is driving me up a fucking wall. I have entirely too much shit. Why is it SO much damn junk is in my possession? And why do I seem to need it all? Why am I packing up my shit by myself? Why am I always by myself whenever I turn around?


what the fuck is the deal with my damn life???

Ler's scream a little

Blogger's been acting like a hoe with the clap......bitch and non-functioning. So sorry about the space between the posts.


All of this moving stuff is like bogging me down. It's a lot to do by myself. A lot. Eh. I'll manage it somehow.

I miss Andrew. If I have to sleep by myself too many nights in a row, I get to be a cranky bitch. That's sleeping in general though. Like if my mom went to bed at a decent time, I'd sleep in there and be fine.

When I dreamed of moving out of my parents' (Mother's really) house, I imagined two scenarios: 1) Moving in with a gay roommate or 2) With a guy I was seriously in love with that was committed to me. Honestly 2 would only pop up in daydreams. If I was thinking practically, I'd have said number 1. Or maybe moving in with Stephen. And....I'm moving in with Andrew. It's not what I expected out of my life at this point. It's different and that makes it weird. I feel like a Navy wife because I have to pull all of this shit together. By myself. Boo.

I need to sleep I have a shitload of stuff to do over the next two days.

Scott, you are FASCINATING

So I spent the day with Scott and then went to work. It was a lot of fun. I met his new roommate Will who's fucking hilarious. I mean there's funny and then there's FUNNY. And Will is FUNNY. I swear that I know him from somewhere but I just don't know where. And it bugs me.

I talked to Scott about Nick and moving and Andrew and life in general. Scott, you are NOT nice. (Just playing.) But.......wow. Scott you're a funny funny man.

I like days where I laugh AND make money. I just like days like the one I had today.

Wowie woah good gracious

Guys can be funny. I've been talking to people and getting feedback and all sorts of things. I'm hanging out with Scott tomorrow. We're going mermaid hunting. (You'd have to be a photographer or Scott or I in order to get that.) It's going to be fun. I want his viewpoint on Nick. Scott is great people. I haven't talked to him face to face for the longest time. I'm excited about tomorrow.

Mom and I have talked a lot about guys in general. And specifically about Nick and Andrew and jealously and all sorts of things. It was...informative. I love when my mom just comes out with some wisdom that's just above and beyond what I expected. Hell I just love my mom. She's a great lady.

Holy Shit

I'm so behind in my school work. I CAN NOT afford to fuck up English this semester; it's my last chance. So I'm going to get off of here and just really grind out all of this shit. It's just. Oh God. There's so much to do. Just so much.

Things are looking up

NOT PREGNANT!!!!

I'm excited. Stressed that stress can make it this late, but happy it's here. Nick and I are working on getting to know each other so we can hopefully start going out one day in the future. I know it sounds retarded, but I'm a little excited about it. Nervous because of the whole Andrew angle but we'll let that play out.

More later.

Oh by the way I got my tongue pierced last night. It's nifty.

Cut and paste from Myspace

This has truly been the longest weekend of my life. It started Thursday. It was such a great day. I got my credit card in the mail, which means that I can cover a lot of needed expenses until my first check comes in. Because I definitely got a job Thursday. So, earlier in the day, I got a call from Andrew asking me to take him back to base (he was at the boat). He called me back to say he got a ride and that he wanted to see a movie. I said ok let me go take my math test and we'll go. So I go take my test despite not being in class the week before for the notes. I think I did well on it. Anyway, I get to base and Andrew's like half asleep. Him and I both get an interesting phone call and then we go. We saw Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer and it was good. Before we left, I said when we get back we'll clean up some and wash some things so you can pack your seabag. Because NOTHING was done. Well Fantastic Four was longer than we expected and it was relatively late when we got back. So it was all like let's eat, throw some clothes in the wash and get up VERY VERY early to pack the seabag. Apparently Andrew had some more interesting phone calls in store for him. No sleepy sleep until 2 am. We sleep. It's hot as fuck so it wasn't good sleep but it was sleep. Then at 3 am, three knuckleheads came busting in through the window. Drinking isn't just for weekends anymore. After we (Andrew, his roommate, and I) clear the drunken idiots out of the room we all try to go back to sleep.

Andrew was supposed to be on the boat at 7:30am. Yeah, he didn't get up until then. Because he was up so late and because the subject matter of the calls earlier in the night were upsetting, he had a HUGE migraine. Like he could barely move. So I got the clothes out of the dryer (some time between the calls and the drunken surprise I put the clothes in the dryer) and folded them while he was in the shower. I figured it would help him wake up. No such luck. So he lied on the bed and "helped" me pack his seabag by telling me how much to pack of what. So we go to the boat. And I go home and shower. And turn around to go get him. Then I go babysit. That house.....wow. Lots of animals. Lots of smelly, not cleaned recently animals. I love pets as much as the next person but I also like cleanliness. Whether or not I go back there to babysit remains to be seen. But then I go back to base and we chill out. The three of us (Drew's roommate Marcus came too) went to the NEX to get stuff like soap and junk for Drew to take out as well as a XBox 360. We then went back to the room and passed out.

Ta-Da!!!!!!!!! It is Satuday. I get up at the ass-crack of dawn and go get Becca. We then go to Wal-Mart to buy me some clothes. Because I showered but put on Friday's clothes because I had nothing else. So I bought two changes of clothes and a bathing suit. We then go and get Drew and just like I suspected he isn't ready. A video game waylaid him. I changed and he got up and we went to Pocahontas Pancakes and Waffles. We laughed and cracked jokes about sausage and pancakes and all manners of things. Then we skated from 11th street to the Neptune statue and back. Then we went swimming in the ocean. The two white people (Becca and Drew) balked at the water being cold while I, the chick with the relaxer, strolled in. We frolicked, we fell, we almost drowned. Becca almost floated away. Then we dug up crabs and played in the sand. Then we went back to base and showered. After that it was off to Cinema Cafe to see Evan Almighty. It was funny. Then we dropped Becca off at her sleepover. We're almost to base and I pull over and heave. My stomach is CHURNING. I felt BAD. I figure ok I'll nap and then get up and drive home. No such luck. My nose was running from sniffing cigarette smoke all weekend and I had the worst post-nasal drip ever. It kept making me gag. And heave. Dry heaves are no fun. So I kept waking up and falling asleep. I didn't fall completely asleep until 1am. By that I'd decided no driving for me.

I woke up at 9am. And I tried to sit up. I promptly fell back down. Too dizzy to see straight. Which made me mad. Because I was going to go to the beach. But I cancelled to go to church. And then I was just stuck laying down trying not to puke. Not fun at all. But I felt a lot better after I sent Andrew to Subway. Well not sent. Persuaded to go is better. Yes that's what I'll say. After all I'm no diva, I don't "command" anything. No matter what anybody says. So after that, there is much cleaning and packing that SHOULD HAVE BEEN DONE FRIDAY!!!!!. *cough* I dropped him off at the pier and then I went to my new job. I had a nice dinner there and then I came home at 9:30pm. I have laundry to do and school work. But I chose to write this instead. And now I'm done. And I'm going to sleep for at least two days straight. In AC. With no drunk people or gamers anywhere. Just me sleeping. It'll be great.


Ok some additional stuff.

• Still no period. But I have a credit card now so we shall see what's what. I really would like to think it's stress from the family shit.
• I'm not doing the live in position because it makes me uncomfortable. That and Andrew needs to move out of the barracks ASAP to start collecting BAH. So he asked and I said yes and we'll be roomies.
• I feel really weird about that.