Thanksgiving

I didn't really see many other people this Thanksgiving. TONS of people were in town, but I just....I felt like being around my mom's house. That could be because I'm sick but truthfully, it might be more than that. I mean.....I can't make people like me. And I can't always be the one to try. I get sick of looking pathetic.

Being an Adult

It's not easy. Nothing ever is in life. There's only so many ways to say the same thing. And I've run out of those ways. I do believe this blog is done.

Art imitates Life

And just because you get away that dont mean its okay
You a dead man walking and I mean it okay.

-T.I. "You Know What It Is

Many men, wish death upon me
Blood in my eye dawg and I can't see
I'm trying to be what I'm destined to be
And niggaz trying to take my life away
I put a hole in nigga for fucking with me
My back on the wall, now you gon' see
Better watch how you talk, when you talk about me
Cause I'll come and take your life away

- 50 Cent "Many Men"

In the second set of lyrics, I only highlighted the part that I feel applies to me. Lyrically it doesn't flow without the first two lines. Anyway, I think I'm soulless. Every time anyone has ever shit on me and put me down and just treated me like I was nothing, my soul died a little bit. And now it's just gone. Completely. And you know what? It doesn't even matter. Who needs it? You're the only person you can ever count on anyway. It's you and then that's it. You must protect yourself at any cost.

I didn't forget

I asked for a scope of the readers I have because I thinking of expanded on a character in a story I posted online and giving the character a blog. But I don't want to bog down the internet with something no one's going to read.

A Survey from Myspace

Finish the sentences:

1. I've come to realize that my ex is: someone I should have ran from when I first met him.

2. I am listening to: coldplay

3. I talk: a lot because silence reminds me of my loneliness

4. I love : no one and nothing and no place at all.

5. I have: no money

7. I lost : my smile

8. I hate it when: i try and i still get knocked down. I'm sick of getting up.

9. Love is : non-existent

10. Marriage is: strange

11. Somewhere: someone's dying and escaping from all sorts of pain

12. I'll always be : ugly on the outside to match the tainted inside

13. I have a crush on: no one

14. The last time I cried was: a while ago. They were angry tears; I was fighting with Drew.

15. My cell phone is : silent. Which is good.

16. When I woke up this morning: I had a cramp from sleeping on the couch.

17. Before I go to sleep at night I: wish for happiness

18. Right now I am thinking about: my pizza being almost ready

19: Babies are: perfect and wonderful

20. I get on myspace: when im bored

21. Today I : laid around unproductively thinking of ways to wash away my thoughts

22. Tonight I will: sleep I hope

23. Tomorrow I will: go to class, come home, go to work, come home

24. I really want to: be blank; just for five minutes

25. The person who's most likely to repost this: i dont know

The Bottom of the Hole

Life won't let me die. It won't give me the one thing I hope for. Fuck. I'm so tired.

Please

Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out

Shakes

I know I'm posting a lot of blogs right now. But I'm a little bored and I know that I'm going through some changes and I want documentation of those changes.


I'm sitting on my couch, trembling from nerves. I'm so strung out. It's crazy. I'm crazy.

It's tough to say, but it must be said

I'm under a significant amount of stress right now. I can sense and feel my life slipping away from me and turning into something I don't even know. I can't....I'm not functioning in the way I want to. My savings account is empty. And I need gas and I know I don't have the money for it. I'm broke and it's depressing because I know that about 70% of my income over the past couple months has gone to things for Andrew. And I just....I don't have anything to show for all of that effort. I'm not gonna lie, this whole apartment thing has me scared and freaked out. Andrew just doesn't seem to do anything for himself. I understand that his main goals are his kids and his bills are his first priorities. I totally get that. I'm with him on that one TOTALLY. What I don't get is how he can't seem to focus on anything else. Why can't he focus on taking care of himself before he sleeps or plays? He gets mad when he brings it up, because he says I remind him of his mother. But he reminds me of my dad when he tells what to do with my life and then does nothing with his own but just sit there and take. I've researched everything that's needed to be looked up and just brought the info to him. Because if I don't then it doesn't get done in a timely fashion. And...it's not just his life anymore. My life is affected by his lack of get up and go. I don't want anything negative on my credit score because of him not getting things set up when they need to be. There are so many things that need to be in place before we can pay rent for September and move in. And he just leaves everything to me.

I just don't have the extra energy to take care of him as well as myself. I'm so lonely. Being depressed and lonely just saps my energy. I mean what's the point of going through all of these motions when there's no one at the end of the day to share all of the stress with or all of the happiness? There's no one to share with. And that just bums me out in such a big way. It's always in the back of my mind. You're working so hard on everything, but what for? It's not appreciated and there's no one to share anything with. What's the point of working so hard if you're lonely?

I want to go back in time......

and slap the shit out of myself. I want to scream at my past self to wake up and realize that everything everyone has ever told you to hope for was a lie. I want to tell my past self that I really am a failure and that the sooner I realize that and stop dreaming the better off I'll be.

Digging through the shit to get to the truth

I was driving in my car today and it just hit me that I barely know who I am anymore. I just know she's someone I don't like. At all. I'm back where I was a few years ago. I HATE myself completely. I just want to erase myself, tear everything up, start over. And I can't because that's not how stuff works. That's saddening.

I was quite the stupid child growing up. All of my thoughts on life and love and how the world is and how things are supposed to be were such fucking bullshit. Such complete fucking bullshit.

It's actually happening

So our move in date is September 6th. It's finally happening. I'm moving out of my parents' home. I'm living on my own for the first time ever. It's......it's scary, it's exciting, it's amazing. I'm really looking forward to it. Mom isn't but then again she doesn't have to. She didn't expect me to move so quickly. Well not move but get things movin' so quickly. I'm ready. I'm in a good place and I'm ready to move away from my parents. The atmosphere in the house is just.....I can't live here anymore. It hurts my heart that that's what it is, but life happens.

This weekend was good. Apparently I got beyond plastered Saturday. And apparently I get violent. I know I like to drunk dial and they wouldn't let me. So maybe that explains some of the behavior. I know I couldn't stand up straight. It was.....wild. Andrew has some bruises. For shame.

Gigantic Leap

I think I took one earlier. Not totally sure. We shall see won't we?


This moving thing is FUCKING crazy. I mean totally insane. Andrew is insane. He's driving me crazy. But he's Andrew and so I'll let it go. I'm such a fuckin' punk bitch.


I know no one will answer this, but could I get a comment or an email if you read and/or suscribe? It doesn't matter if you think I'm mad at you, I still want to know. I'm trying to get an idea of my audience. I'm thinking about writing another blog. I'll fill you all in on the subject matter later.

Pressure....

pushing down on me.....

David Bowie and Queen are cool music.

I hate those Truth commercials. He's really ugly. I mean really really ugly. Sorry, I got sidetracked.

Anyway, back to my point. Which I do have. I'm just so pressured and surrounded by everything. Everywhere I turn there is trouble and responsibility and anxiety. There is no refuge. There is no safe haven. I am always consistently surrounded by that which pains me. There is no hope. Only work. Only pain.
I'm watching an old True Life episode. About OCD. It's...I hate watching fucked up people on tv and seeing something about myself in them. I mean really really hate it. Completely detest it.

There is no such thing as love for me. And that sucks because that's all I want out of life. Not money or fame. Just....love. And it's the one thing I'll never have.
Anxiety is a bitch. And it's slowly taking back over my life.

I'm Fucking Done

No more. Last straw.

By the way, I left and now I'm back

I went on a church trip to Philly. And now I'm back. It was a good trip. It was a bad trip. I'll write more about it later.

It hurts

Andrew's away right now as I'm sure you know. Actually I'm sure you're tired of hearing about me bitching about how he's not here and how I miss him. But to my point.

He really doesn't like the people he works with on the boat. He's incredibly unhappy. And I feel bad for him. Because he's SO incredibly frustrated. And there's nothing I can do for him while I'm here. All I can do is just support him through emails. I just feel like it's not enough. Tone isn't always properly conveyed through the written word. A hug is better than a note in my opinion. And on top of that he just got some bad news about his adopted family and his hands are tied as far as helping them out. When shit goes down with the family of your flesh it's one thing. It's painful. But when something happens with the family of your heart, and you can't do an thing about it, it hurts. And I wish I could hold him while he's hurting. I wish he was home so he could sleep.

I miss him to the point of distraction. Things happen and I want to share them with him and I can, but I can't because he's not here. I want to discuss Nick with him in person. And I want him to come with me to get my car. The main thing I miss is sleeping with him. Just regularly sleeping. I slept in a double bed in the hotel. And I kept reaching my leg and my arm over to lay across him, but he wasn't there. And I'd wake up sad. A couple of times a night. It wasn't restful. Which is a shame because the bed was so cushy and nice.

He's hurting and I can't help. And I miss him.

Jumbled minds

There's Dad stuff and growing up stuff and Andrew stuff and apartment stuff all jumbled around in my head. I'm a touch tired. I want to be able to say what I want to say about all of these different things, but I don't even know how to word things. So I can't write about life matters if I can't even think them out in my head. And that's frustrating. Because I want to be able to think them out. It's not sad, it just is.

I've made a decision concerning Nick. I'd like to talk to him about it first, but I'll discuss it here later. I know some people are looking forward to it. I considered your advice quite heavily people let me tell you. Yall made me think. Although Mama summed it up pretty well. Mama is the shit. Fo' sho.

That's just how it is

My myspace isn't set to private. My Facebook is as public as I can make it. I'm an open person. I like who I am and that's just what it is. I hate the idea of secrets. I have the balls to think it therefore I have the balls to say it. That's right. I have a set of balls. Big, ole steel ones bitches.

I have my friends and I've slept with the people I've slept with. I'm not ashamed of anything I've done really. Except for maybe one sexual experience. But we'll chalk that up to inexperience and let it go. Bottom line, I like the friends I've made over the course of the past 18 years. They're good people. They're supportive and they're loving. And as for the lucky men, of whom there are not too many but just enough, you guys are some BLESSED sons of bitches. For reals.

I am black. I am chunky. That is just it. If that's embarrassing for you then you're shallow and you don't deserve to have me grace your presence anyway. The least you can do is be adult about it. If people important to you have an issue with my skin color, you need to do one of two things:

1. Evaluate the people you know.
2. Wave goodbye to me.

Do not try to have your cake and eat it too. You WILL lose every single time. Every time. So just don't go there. I'm nothing to be ashamed of. If you are, you just can't be my friend. Or we just can't be romantically involved. You'll be sad but you'll get over it.

The above isn't directed to anyone in particular. I was just going over past experiences and thinking....eh fuck that. That shouldn't have happened. And won't happen again. I am nothing to be ashamed of. I feel bad for people that can't speak openly about the lives they lead and HIDE everything. It would drive me crazy.

The next part is directed to two people in particular. I won't say any names but they know who they are. I'm always the good girl that doesn't start anything and I'm over cowering. I'm going to vent.

Blonde(ish) # 1: I do not care how long you have known Stephen. It is of no importance to me. No one is trying to steal him or turn him against you and your family. Here's the thing: You're like fucking twenty are you not? I haven't let my mother disrespect my friends or friends of my friends, or anyone that hasn't earned it since I was 14. Grow a damn spine and put a leash on her. Do not blame her for the shit YOU say. Besides that, who the fuck are you to put a wall between my friend and I? I feel like I can't even talk to him because of you and your psychotic, clingy ass. I miss my friend and it sucks. Don't get me wrong, I totally understand spending all of your free time with the one that gets your blood flowing. But I sit there face to face with him and your vile, nasty attitude and feelings towards me are right there in between us. I'm not sure why you don't feel woman enough to have him have opinionated friends AND you in his life, but I think it's sad. I'm not sure why no one can care deeply about him except for you but again I say it's sad. Control Stephen if you want to as long as you make him happy. Sometimes life doesn't make sense, but ok. But end it there. Seriously if I hear one more thing about you going psycho bitch on his siblings, I will do what their MOTHER (not you by the way) has taught them NOT to do. It is not your place to discipline or terrorize them in their own house. I will do what someone should have done a while ago. I will smack the shit out of you. You got into something that had nothing to do with you and made it ten times worse. Things still aren't back the way they used to be/should be. And that is your fault. And yes I have held onto it. It's concerning a friend and so it's important to me. You owe me an apology for the shit you said about my intelligence. If you have a question ask it. Don't assume shit and call me names you crazy bitch. (Since you haven't apologized and things still aren't fixed, I've taken the liberty of calling you a few things and venting out my frustrations. I now consider the slate clean and am 50% happy.)

Blonde #2: This has been coming for a VERY VERY VERY long time. It is a goddamn shame the law had to get involved before I could get some peace. My family life is very mixed up now and has been for some time. I don't need your shit. Let us rewind shall we? Two years ago. You make up family emergencies to pull him away from other friends. Me included. I think it's odd but I get over it. It's what he wants to do so he can go ahead and do it. It always has to be about you all of the time. I hang out with him and he makes the mistake of telling you and wham! You are blowing his phone up and screaming at him. You then get my number and blow it up every time we hang out together. This goes on for about a year to a year and a half. Every time it happens, I let it go and DON'T snatch you bald/knock all your teeth down your throat/break your arms because Andrew begs me not to. Plain and simple. Instead of bitching at him every time he reacts in a way you don't like, you need to kiss the ground he walks on. Let's fast forward to present day. You have a nice, stable guy for a boyfriend. I wouldn't pick him, but everyone goes for different things in a person. He treats you like the good person you're not. More power to him for putting up with your shit. You try your hardest to fuck that up by trying to fool around with Andrew, but it doesn't work because cheating is wrong and Andrew is entirely too good of a person to be "the other man". He said you were friends only and no matter how much you want to mess that up and "crazy" yourself out of yet another boyfriend, he refused to move from that. I'm not sure why people put up with you but I'm not one of those people. If I didn't think that you would have harassed/bothered/driven James crazy like you tried to do to Andrew when served the charges the Friday Drew left, I would have COMPLETELY followed through. Because I know I'll never get an apology that means anything from you and that's the next best thing. I felt bad for James because he seems like a great guy that hasn't done anything to earn the displeasure of dating you. By the way, the 50 million fucking calls to Andrew trying to have him "talk" to me were not only rude, but unproductive. I think for myself. If he didn't stop me from filing a report and pressing charges what makes you think he'd get me to drop them. And you knew good and well that he had to be up early. Because of you, he woke up that morning with a migraine so intense he could barely move. What kind of "friend" fucking does that?
Let's discuss something you've brought up several times over the phone, through ims, and through Facebook. Because over the next year, I WILL NOT hear shit about this from you. I am a generous person. And not just with Andrew. My mother frequently gets a dozen roses. My brother has nice clothes and a PSP. Several of my friends get gas money, or money to go get pierced or a variety of other things. I run errands for people and help friends in anyway that I can. THAT IS THE KIND OF PERSON I AM. Just because you are not generous does not mean you need to be jealous of my generosity. I don't buy affection, respect, or "quality time" from anyone. Anyone that I'm buddy buddy with knows if they want to call because they need an ear, my phone is on 24/7. If something material can make someone I care about smile, or I can do something to make them smile, and I'm able; then it's as good as done.
DO NOT DISCUSS THIS AGAIN. I DON'T LIKE HAVING MY FRIENDSHIPS QUESTIONED.
THIS IS HOW IT IS: YOU'RE ON YOUR LAST STRIKE. START SHIT AGAIN WITH ME AND NEITHER ANDREW NOR JAMES WILL BE ABLE HELP YOU. LEARN TO HANDLE YOUR OWN ISSUES; YOU'RE TWENTY YEARS OLD. BETTER YET, QUIT STARTING SHIT.
Finally, this is all I have to say: You've been trying for TWO YEARS to fuck my shit up with my friend and it HASN'T worked. Get a clue already. That is my boy. I have his back and he's got mine. And that's just how things are. Get over it.

I have vented and I feel SO much better now. Yes there will be fallout from this entry but like I said, I'm not ashamed of anything. Not my words and not my actions.

The slate is clean now as far as I am concerned. I have no more issues with Melissa Zawacki or Heather Grossman. I am 100% happy at this moment.

You can send me messages about this entry if you like, but let's be serious I'm not going to consider their content. I'll read them and leave it at that.

not sure what to say

I'm not sure what to say. I know I feel...I'm not sure how to say that either. I'd like to be able to write out some long, drawn-out entry about everything in my head and life, but that's a no-go.