I Can't Stand It

Ok, there's a few things I really can't stand and I'm going to get them off my chest. Here goes.

HE has a girlfriend and I feel like she is using Myspace to stalk me. There's only so much you can make private on Myspace. I'm tired of having to cloak everything I type and not being able to be upfront with friends and give honest comments because she might run across it.

I feel I spend a good deal of time waiting for Holly to stab me in the back. I just get this feeling there's something between HIM and Holly going on that I'm missing. He's been online a lot lately. And they always seem to end up talking a lot, about me. And I'll find out about it way later. It never seems to come out how they talk though. I know I seem stupid to be jealous of them communicating when I'm screwing HIM behind HIS girlfriend's back. But back at the beginning, (which seems a helluva lot farther away than it is), when he was completely single and I was actively trying to date him and even when I was sorta dating him, she'd flirt with him horribly. They spent a day together without me because I had responsibilities I choose to uphold and they took pictures of the two of them being close in the backseat of HIS car. It was an outside event so I'm guessing they went in there to sit. That day was pivotal. She told me later that they kissed that day. That hurt so bad. We'd (HIM and I) had made plans to hang out later that day since I couldn't hang out with HIM earlier at the Pagan festival. He didn't answer his phone all that day. HE called later that night and said he felt I was too close and HE was sorry and ectera ectera. It hurt so bad. Especially more when Holly finally fessed up and it became clear that HE didn't truly need space, HE was just more interested in my friend. Why couldn't HE just say that? Why? I don't understand. I'm nothing more than casual sex and an ATM. But more to my point, she stabbed in the back with that one. And she's done it before. She's very quick to take the side of others against me. To put me down. She's quite mean to be truthful. Why we're still friends I don't know. Maybe I just don't feel I deserve better. I know that she's hurt me deeply so many times that I feel like I'm just resting until she does it again. That's pathetic. And it's not how I want to live my life. At all. In addition to the last paragraph, something that's going on with her has also brought this situation to mind. This particular thing came up in class in regards to someone else. Confidentiality came up and I realized if our positions were switched, there's a good chance she'd sell me down the river. She's forever trying to one-up me. And I'm not sure why I take it.

I'm also so sick of school it's not funny. And it's not learning. It's Indian River. I'm ready for bigger and better. Everyone is so childish around me. The inappropiate laughter and the rudeness. The intolerance. It's nerve-racking. Not to mention annoying.


I guess what's got all of this on my mind is the quickly approaching end to my high school career. After all we have semester long classes and I only have classes the first semester. So at the end of January, I'm finished. I'm growing up. I've been sleeping in my mom's bed for the past week cause my sheets need changing and I hate to do it, but I can't do that forever. We were chilling on her bed watching tv and I thought to myself, "The number of times I can sit here and do this are numbered. And they're running out." I'm tired of being unhappy with my life. I'm almost 18 and I'm still unhappy. What is that about? I'm over it.

I'm ready for change. I want to go away and learn something that matters to me. I want friends that are 100% true. I'm growing up and I just can't stand it.

Lie

Sometimes all you can do is lie. No one wants to hear the truth and it's just too hurtful to cry alone.

Cry

When you cry, keep it on the inside. When you let it out and no one cares, you only hurt worse.

Blogger is...

having a PMS-y moment. Hopefully I'll be able to fix it.

Dana?

Is a good friend of mine. Who seems to be interested in me. I'm not sure I want to fuck up that relationship for one of a different kind that might not work.

HIM

Ah HIM.

The infamous HIM.

Oh babe how I love you. Yes you love another. You said we'd try us again if things didn't work with the woman you felt obligated to try happiness with. They didn't and you fell into love with another. But it's ok. I still love you. I think no matter what I'm always going to love you. Honestly I don't think you truly love her. But ok. That's not for me to decide or determine.

Your pretty moss green eyes.
Your long brown-black eyelashes that have the curl most women glue on.
Your smile, crooked teeth and all. It looks mischevious, a reminder of the little boy you never really got a chance to be.
Your strong arms that are always warm no matter how cold it is outside.
The way you wrestle with me and pick on me and know when I've had enough for real.

I should stop thinking about you. Friends don't think this much about other friends that are dating someone. And I have English to do. She (my new English teacher) really isn't giving me enough time to do this fucking thing. Gah.

Uh oh

I have a feeling someone is mad at me. And I hate that cause this is one of my favorite people. So I have to humble myself and fix it.

For one night, I was 17

So I shall get straight to my point. Last night I hung out with HIM. We had a blast. We went to Blockbustre and dropped off movies, then Taco Bell, then Sonic, and then Wal-Mart. It was a lot of fun. Everyone and their mother asked me to so stuff, like babysit, but I just gave them the brush-off and went and hung out with HIM. Because I needed to. Lately I've been putting off things I want to do for things I have to do. I haven't been having all that much fun. And I just feel old and used up. And I hate it.

But anyway, we had lots of fun. Hollered in the drive-thru at Taco Bell at the lady in the window. Hollered in the parking lot of Blockbuster at each other. It was just lot of fun. We laughed and played in Wal-Mart. I was just normal for a moment. Yes there was the instance of me hyperventilating in my sleep cause my heart started beating in an uneven rhythm and that freaks me out if I can't control it. But he helped me cause he rubbed my back and it was nice. I just really enjoy HIM. HIS company. HIS laugh, HIS smile, HIS voice. There's just something about him that amazes me. Not sure what.

SOMTL, I like talking on the phone. And 50 million of the people I know don't like talking on the phone so that's no hint.

Unnecessary Wants

At times, like right now, I feel like maybe my wants aren't that big of a deal. Because if I could truly use everything I wanted emotionally and personally, then maybe I'd actually get some of it. I think maybe I don't get anything and I always feel so unfulfilled because I think I need more than I do.

I want to cut but I can't
I want to eat but I can't
My soul is weary
And I can't breath

I'm so scared, and I'm so alone. And it's heartbreaking.

You're so demanding

I try.

Really really hard. Quit asking me for more than I'm capable of. Just stop already. You're killing me.

In a box

Oftentimes I feel like the world is trying to box me in with a variety of things. Negative words, mean words.....I guess you could say words in general.

I'm just tired. My mother's a bitch. Sorry to say. Just because your asshole of a husband is sick doesn't mean you get to be bitchy to me. In fact you should be nicer to make it a little easier to ignore his bitch ass. Because I can't stand him really sometimes.

I'm just full of anger right now at a bunch of small shit. And the problem with that is that people keep shoving me into these fucking itty bitty boxes and so the anger is smothering me. I'm tired of hyperventilating until I pass out because I'm trying to hold my rage in so I don't break anything. That gets old. Quickly. Very quickly.

I'm still fat. Still unlovable. Still displeased.

I do believe it's time for some retail therapy, no?

I hung out with Alyssa and Joanie tonight and it was fun. The only fun of the day really. Thank God I quit Sonic. If I hadn't I would have quit now.

This much is true

I can be a bit of a bitch. It's just a fact of my character. I wish it wasn't so but it is so I get used to it.

Last night I didn't babysit. Instead I went to my friend's shower and she asked me to be the godmother. Which I'm excited about. She's due today so I'm not going to be waiting very long to see my godson. Trevor got hung up watching his niece, so we didn't hang out, but maybe something will work itself out this weekend. It's anyone's guess really.

I know...

that I am unlovable. I wish it weren't so but sometimes there are things you just can't help.

Lately I feel as if my life is a Lifetime movie and I don't like that.

The mystery person and I feel like shit

Wow....that's something I really can't stand. People that are into smoke and mirror shit. It'd be nice to talk to you face to face. To thank you for your kind words and so on and so forth. But eh.

My heart's been beating unusually fast lately. Like I'll just be sitting and I'll feel it speed up. It scares me and my breathing changes. I went and babysat tonight and when I came home I just laid on my mom's bed and tried not to hyperventilate. Things got kinda dark, like someone dimmed the lights. And next thing I know I'm waking up. It's weird. I don't feel right. My head's been killing me all day and my neck was so sore and achy this morning I couldn't move it. I had to go to the nurse and just lie down with an ice pack on my neck cause it hurt so bad. Needless to say I called out of working at Sonic. I just can't run back and forth like that with my neck like this. I feel nauseated and just rotten. Maybe I'm dehydrated. I don't know. What I do know is that all the feel good feelings from my week off are gone. I'm tired and I feel like shit now. Again.

Oh mystery person, it's anatomy not biology. If you know me so well, get your facts together.

I am Intrigued

Shine on me the light....you intrigue me. I have a few questions.

1...and I feel this one is most important....who are you? Do I know you strictly online or do I know you offline as well?

2. Did you leave that anonymous comment?

I must know more...I'm curious. Oh so curious. Speaking of things that make me curious, we dissected sheep hearts in Anatomy today. Much much fun. It looked like roast beef to be honest. It's a good thing I don't like roast beef.

I'm in the mood to be held while I sleep.

Reconstruction

So I've gotten microbraids, taken to painting my nails, and wearing makeup to school.

I'm trying to take better care of myself. It's working, up to a point. My sessions with Dr. Just, (the shrink I saw to get back in school) have made me feel that perhaps if I want to feel better, I should work on the outside. After all, it's hard to feel good about yourself when you can't stand the way you look.

I'm not so certain I should be so focused on the physical stuff but it's something I actually have control over. So I work on it. Maybe once the packaging is prettier, I'll feel good enough about the inside to give a hoot.

I have plans to hang out with HIM on Monday. I'm excited about it. I only have school two days a week next week and Monday is one of my days off. So I'm going to hopefully hang out with Alyssa, Holly, or some other friends I haven't really chilled with lately and then him. I'd like to possibly use one of those days to maybe have lunch with Trevor, the boy mentioned in the last post. If I didn't mention him I meant to. I got in contact with him via a Craigslist ad. And he's nice. Super nice. Cute. Easy to talk to. A month out of a year long relationship. Needless to say, I'm a little hesitant to get into a relationship with him. I want a relationship and I think there's a lot of possibilities with him. We have great conversation. I've just stalled on meeting him because I don't want to get into something with him just to have him step out on it. And I'm still emotionally attached to HIM. It's not just any individual thing. It's the whole package.

I quit my job at Sonic last night. Turned in my two weeks notice. The pay just isn't worth the aggravation and the stress. I can work less hours and make more money somewhere else. So that's what I plan to do.

My Resolve

Where oh where did it go? I used to be able to not eat if I didn't want to. I used to have some self-control. Some willpower. Now, I think about not eating but then I quickly cave. I don't want to be the girl that people keep around only to use when they need her anymore. I want people to be able to acknowledge me. I don't want to be the girl that's ok to fuck and tell your dreams to, but not good enough to date because she's too ugly and your friends just wouldn't understand. Not anymore at least. But I'm never going to get to that point if I can't lose some of this weight. Back to diet pills I guess. The Retiva isn't cutting it. All it does is give me energy to get up and go to the gym; it doesn't supress my appetite so I don't eat so much food I have to spend a full week in the gym just to work it off. I won't be fat for prom. I just won't. I can't.

I visited a friend Monday night. HE made me laugh. HE fell asleep as we were watching Thumb Wars (my geeks can leave comments as to what that is or leave links that can explain). I woke him to let him know I was leaving and HE gave me a hug that picked me up and dropped me on top of the world. It was warm and firm and it was great.

Details

I wrote this like Saturday. Or maybe Friday. Either way, here it go.




So the past week has been a bit of a roller coaster. My English teacher and I didn't quite see eye to eye and she used my papers as an excuse to have me permanently removed from her class. I tried to fight it but she prevailed since the two papers I wrote were about self-mutilation and BDSM. I didn't write them to show off or cause a fuss but to prove a point. Everything has a humane normal aspect to it. No matter how off the wall and twisted it may seem, everyone is basically the same. It was important to me to write papers that showed that because I feel so unloved and unaccepted. I feel taboo. I was hoping to open a few minds and draw a paralell between these taboo parts of our culture and myself. A part of me is normal. I'm not some horrible person. This was all Monday and Tuesday.

Tuesday I worked from 5pm to 10pm. I'd been dealing with the school stuff all day and I just couldn't face going home and listening to my mother harp on it again and again. So I drove around. I went to the bookstore first and left there about 10:40pm. I drove down Volvo past my house, hit Kempsville and then hit Centerville. Took that down to Mt. Pleasant Rd. and then took that to 464. Went through the tunnel, down Effingham to Geo. Washington Hwy and kinda winded around there on and off Victory Blvd. I got a little tired so I figured I'd go home. I took the Jordan bridge and was on 464 headed home. I took the Military Hwy. exit and went away from my house instead. Went over the Gilmerton bridge and straight down Military Hwy past Geo. Washington Hwy. Ended up going through Western Branch near Joliff. (It's about a stone's throw from where 64 branches off and goes to either Suffolk or Richmond.) I went on 664 a bit. I guess I'm trying to illustrate that I went all over creation.

I decided to turn around and go home. I kept drifting off though. I wasn't drifting on the road too bad but I was drifting off(falling asleep). I'm not sure why I didn't stop. Anyway, I woke up and I was headed straight on for a tree in the median. I guess my foot got heavy while I was sleeping because I remember the speedometer reading 40 mph. So I turn the wheel hard. I'm too close to the tree to avoid it completely so I catch it with the side of my car. I spin around and around and end up about 100 yards (I guess) down the median on the other side of the tree. I called Scott earlier cause I was kinda lost (it was raining earlier and I couldn't find any landmarks) and Portsmouth is his stomping grounds. So I called him again because he was all like if you need something let me know. When I hit this tree, I hadn't eaten or drank anything since Monday afternoon. And I hit the tree at 1:26 am Wednesday morning. (Please don't ask me why I noticed the time.) So I could sense that I was okay but I wasn't really in the car. I was quite out of it. So I called him because it just seemed like the right thing to do. He asked all the appropiate questions (is the car stuck, are you ok, did you hit your head). He then told me to go home NOW, and so after I drove back towards the tree and picked up my hubcap (I bent the hubcap of the driverside front wheel) I did what he said and went home. Called my mama and woke her up to tell her. She told me to come home and hung up. No questions from her. I went home, went to sleep and then to school. I went to school where they informed me that I was going to be doing independent study for my English class from now on. So basically they stuck me in a room by myself for and hour and a half where all I had to think about is how I could have died and how everyone was so indifferent to that. And how I wasn't so sure I was glad that I woke up when I did. Ten seconds later...

I started to cry and get very upset. My math teacher had me go to the office and I just couldn't stop. I'm guessing because of my history, they put me out until I could get a note from a doctor saying I wasn't a threat to myself or others. My mom took me to the ER and I just froze on the inside. Honestly, my mama's being a RN is what kept me from being admitted. That scared me so bad. I'm so afraid of losing my free will, my voice. A part of me died Wednesday.

I called Andrew because I really needed to talk to someone who'd have a snowball's chance in hell of understanding. But once again, the fact that I have no true friends was made startlingly clear.

I'm scared. Scared to think, or speak for fear that it'll be twisted and I'll be put away. No one really gets it and I can't really explain it anymore. I'm so lonely and just in so much pain. And so I cut myself to feel better. And when I can't cut, I starve myself. I'm fully aware that no matter how much I cut or starve myself, I'm never going to be pretty enough or just plain enough to have any true friends that care about me. I know that. But I still hope. If I could talk to my "friends" when I was lonely or sad or feeling hopeless it might be different. But I can't. They can talk to me though. I guess I just don't deserve support.

I haven't been to school since they sent me home Wednesday. I got a note from the ER doctor referring me to a shrink, but the school wants me to see the shrink before I can go back. They set me up with an office that works in pyschiatrist/pyschologist teams. I'm going to be medicated. I'll lose my personality because I'll be coked outta my head. That makes me so sad but at the same time I just can't care about it anymore. I see them tomorrow. I'll probably be forced to go to the counseling person for a while.

That was my week.

______

.....I could say a lot of things, but I'm not sure any of them would be the right thing to say at this point in time. I'm not sure anything is right anymore. I have no control over my own life. It's not my own. I am helpless. The world is so big and there are so many people in it. And not a single one has time for me. I'm trying my hardest to make that ok and I can't do it. Man was not meant to live alone, trapped in their own thoughts. I have to go to work today. And I just want to drive off and never come back. And yet I won't because I have responsibilities to people. And I try to keep my word and my promises. It's times like these that make me wish I could meet people like myself. Yes I hate myself but at least I have some integrity. That's a lost thing nowadays....integrity. Or maybe I'm just a lost person. Maybe this place isn't where I'm meant to be. Maybe that's why I drift among everyone else insulated in myself.
maybe.

You always know

That you suck.

but you try to hide it from yourself because you just aren't sure that you do. You want to believe that you don't.

I'm tired.

Of being overtalkative. Loud. Undependable.

I just don't like being me anymore. It makes me sad. Horribly sad.

Updates

Ok, so I'm trying to get in a few college visits. As far as NYU goes, I need to see if I can contact some friends on mine in DC and see if I can't stay with them and just take the train up. But my school is making some trips to VA colleges so I'll be able to see if I want another backup.

Scott's not moving to New York. I'm not entirely sure how he feels about this since he's not really talking to me. Could be he's doing his withdrawal thing that he does from time to time. Or it could some girl he's met. He seemed excited/apprehensive about it. Like I said, I have no clue how he's feeling or thinking because we don't talk all that much. He is vouching for me with Farm Fresh which I'm grateful for. This whole withdrawal thingy smells entirely too much like the Jason situation. Which I'm not down for AT ALL. I WILL NOT go through that with another friend. Just won't. Not that I want to be all up in his face or whatever. It's just that something seems to be bothering him and I've neither been told no there isn't or yes there is but it's done of your damn business. I don't like being unsure when dealing with people. It ultimately ends up with everyone mad at you cause you fucked up.

Someone is stealing from Sonic. Right now it looks like it's me. I don't steal, but until Glen can get ahold of corporate and confirm that, I'm stuck. Hence the job search. I'm not too sad over it. I hated Sonic. With a passion that burned like me for HIM. Yes, HE found a way to creep into this post. Deal with it. And wish me luck on the new job hunt.

100 thoughts about college

I think it's quite fitting that my 100th post (yes it is the 100th) is about college. Especially since I honestly do have about 100 thoughts in my head racing around about college. I've made a few decisions and finally started applying. (I know, I know. I finally got off my lazy ass. Trust and believe my momma is dancing harder than all yall.) I know I want to work with kids, but I'm not sure exactly how I want to work with them. So I'm applying to a few colleges in big cities and majoring in either Sociology or Child Development/Psychology and then working with children in the area until I'm sure what I wanna do. Then I'd just get into a graduate program for that. The list of lucky schools is as follows.

• New York University
• University of California San Diego campus
• University of Minnesota Twin Cities campus
• Old Dominion University

ODU is my fallback. I might apply to JMU or another VA college. We'll see after the college visit. I'm deathly afraid of not finishing these applications on time. Whoever wrote these damn things is a sick, twisted bastard. But it's ok. It's all ok. I'm excited and yet nervous at the same time. But at least I'm no longer apathetic about it. I'm still a bit depressed but I'm trying to ignore it since my friends aren't all that helpful. I'm just going to push through it.

CATS!!!....and other shit

No this isn't about the Broadway musical. That sorta gives me the creeps. No, I'm talking about the ones we skinned in Anatomy. It was so much fun. That's morbid and gruesome. But it was still fun.

I'm so in over my head. I'm not sure how I figured I'd help Becca out while I don't really have a handle on myself but somehow I managed it. I really hope she keeps going in the right direction with that. Privacy is dead. So is chivalry and goodwill. And me hopefully one day soon. God, Buddha, Yahweh, and the Fates willing.

I can't help myself. I wish I could but I can't. HE used to help me, but we don't talk anymore and I'm so lost. I need my best friend back.

You Can't Finish Last Place if You Never Finish At All

Last night's post was a tad unfinished but I guess I dozed off or what have you. I'm quite lazy an dhave a tendency not to follow through on a lot of things. The loneliness consumes my piece of mind. Just eats it right up. I hate to cry and yet I do it with alarming frequency.

Yesterday I saw Holly's mom in the parking lot of Home Depot as I was going in there to buy a new knife(I lost mine.) We had a nice chat while she blocked the parking aisle about responsibility and how some of us have it and some of us just don't. I'm sure responsible people don't cut themselves or even dream of it as I do, but then again it didn't come up so let's not go borrowing trouble.

I really really do miss HIS friendship. I miss feeling safe and liked. I miss being held.

I Hate Everything

No amount of self-mutilation is going to make me feel pretty enough to be accepted by anybody. No matter how often I tell myself this it doesn't seem to make it easier to live with myself. I hate who I am. Completely. I have no friends. I'm too fat, too ugly, and I basically have no talent that makes people want to be my friend. There's nothing cool about me. There's nothing that can tempt people to me long enough to get them to like me.

I miss my friendship with HIM. I used to have someone I could call when I was feeling bad. And now I'm just alone. Forever alone. I miss having friends. But people move on and have better lives without me cause I'm not the nicest person alive. In fact I'm horrible.

Oops!!

I forgot two things.
First, the song I posted in the blog titled .... is a song by the band Everclear.
Second, or more like first actually, I've started another blog just for my essays.

Here's the link: http//writingsonthewallessays.blogspot.com

It would mean something to me if you all could read and give me some feedback.

Ha ha

Sometimes I amuse myself.

I've discovered a new band for me to like. Creature Feature. Yum yum dead goodness.

Within the next week, hopefully, I shall be incorporating some of Answers.com's nifty blog tools. They will help you guys have some semblance of a clue.

......

"Hey, ain't life wonderful? Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful... Isn't it wonderful now?"

I close my eyes when I get too sad
I think thoughts that I know are bad
Close my eyes and I count to ten
Hope it's over when I open them

I want the things that I had before
Like a Star Wars poster on my bedroom door
I wish I could count to ten
Make everything be wonderful again

Hope my mom and I hope my dad
Will figure out why they get so mad
Hear them scream, I hear them fight
They say bad words that make me wanna cry

Close my eyes when I go to bed
And I dream of angels who make me smile
I feel better when I hear them say
Everything will be wonderful someday

Promises mean everything when you're little
And the world's so big
I just don't understand how
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes
Tell me everything is wonderful now

Please don't tell me everything is wonderful now

I go to school and I run and play
I tell the kids that it's all okay
I laugh aloud so my friends won't know
When the bell rings I just don't wanna go home

Go to my room and I close my eyes
I make believe that I have a new life
I don't believe you when you say
Everything will be wonderful someday

Promises mean everything when you're little
And the world is so big
I just don't understand how
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes
When you tell me everything is wonderful now

No
No, I don't wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now
No
No, I don't wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now

I don't wanna hear you say
That I will understand someday
No, no, no, no
I don't wanna hear you say
You both have grown in a different way
No, no, no, no
I don't wanna meet your friends
And I don't wanna start over again
I just want my life to be the same
Just like it used to be
Some days I hate everything
I hate everything
Everyone and everything
Please don't tell me everything is wonderful now...

I don't wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now

Maybe...

I'm not as sick of the status quo as I like to think that I am. After all, if I were, I'd like to think I would have changed it by now. So, I guess I'm quite complacent and I just don't know it.

I have been reassured of something recently so that's good I guess. It's good to be aware of stuff. Also it makes it easier to share things with you guys. You three lone people. I haven't met anyone through this particular blog. I do tons of things that should result in stables of new friends and I still end up lonely. Cause apparently I'm a bitch. But if being honest makes me a bitch then I'm not changing for anyone. Cause I enjoy being a bitch. So yeah. Suck it.

There's this cute guy. His name is Brandon. I wasn't upfront with him and so he's not speaking to me. And I'm saddened by this because he was cute and funny and really easy to talk to. I haven't known him very long at all, but based on our few conversations, I really want to get to know him better. And I fucked that up. Much like I fuck up everything else.

I've made an important college decision. I'm going to get an apartment and go straight to work. To allow myself and my mother to save up more money so she can get some bills paid up. We were in no way shape or form prepared for a rainy day such as this. A couple of thousand dollars worth of bills got slammed on my mother from hidden credit cards my father got. So I'm just going to wait.

I'm not gonna lie

I'm lonely. And I want comments. Even if it just says I read this shit and your life too pathetic to waste a coherent thought on then that's fine.

But comment.

I'm not so surprised

I didn't make the step team. Go figure. But it's okay. I tried out because I wanted to try a new thing. I wasn't laid out in the nurse's office crying over it. That's a bit much. I've worn shades to school for the past two days to combat a migraine headache that has been my buddy since Sunday. People crack jokes, but then again people are always laughing at me so no surprise there. None at all.

No one calls me anymore. I'm lonely. Yes I spend a lot of time doing homework or working or doing extracurriculars but I feel like I'm just drifting along in a sea of people by myself. And it would be nice if someone could email me for a change. Or when they talk to me, not make it seem as if I'm a last thought. I miss those days of falling asleep on the phone with someone because they cared enough to talk to me at two in the morning when I was feeling bad and couldn't sleep. I miss feeling like people actually like me.

Someone recently exposed the stupidity of not going to the doctor since last November to me. All I can say is I have no time so either make my dad well and go work a shift at Sonic for me so I can breathe or shut the fuck up about it. Shutting the fuck up seems to be the least expensive bet.

Scott called me at one am this morning...

to tell me he picked up a prostitute on accident.

Only Scott. Only at 1 in the morning.

Somedays I wish people liked me

There are some people who are the "flowers" of their group.THey are always pitied and people rush to help them out. There are times where I wish I was one of those people.

However, I fear I'm destined to be one of those people who are always used for whatever they are good for at the moment and then tossed aside like so much trash. I wish I was more upset about it. I wish I was a little happier. But I'm neither. I'm just me.

Unloved, fat, lonely me.

WTF?!!?

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

A slightly more in-depth explanation

the0taku1 (12:51:50 AM): Hey, you there?

RiverGrad07 (12:51:58 AM): yes

the0taku1 (12:55:06 AM): So, read the blog.

the0taku1 (12:55:10 AM): What exactly do you want?

the0taku1 (12:55:20 AM): I mean, it seems to be pretty well laid out in there.

the0taku1 (12:55:30 AM): But, I'm asking if you have any specifics.

RiverGrad07 (12:55:57 AM): what do you mean by specifics?

the0taku1 (12:56:10 AM): I dunno.

the0taku1 (12:56:15 AM): lol That's why I'm asking.

the0taku1 (12:56:17 AM): I mean.

the0taku1 (12:56:48 AM): Honestly, would I have a chance? I'm not sure what you're exactly looking for.

RiverGrad07 (12:57:07 AM): specifics:type of guy physically

the0taku1 (12:57:18 AM): But I apparently can't do things right since I've been put down so much before that I'd like to know ahead of time exactly what someone would like.

the0taku1 (12:57:20 AM): I guess.

RiverGrad07 (12:57:22 AM): specifics: what i want out of the relationship

RiverGrad07 (12:57:27 AM): what kind of specifics

the0taku1 (12:57:33 AM): Both I guess.

RiverGrad07 (1:01:17 AM): you're calling me on my shit at 1 in the morning

RiverGrad07 (1:01:31 AM): ^that's all the disclaimer you're going to get

the0taku1 (1:02:34 AM): lol.

the0taku1 (1:03:09 AM): Touché

RiverGrad07 (1:03:09 AM): Relationship wise what i want is someone that can serve me

the0taku1 (1:03:14 AM): Okay.

RiverGrad07 (1:03:28 AM): and then when i need it take care of me completely

RiverGrad07 (1:03:44 AM): sometimes with all the shit i deal with it just boggles my mind to make simple decisions

RiverGrad07 (1:03:53 AM): someone that can do that for me would be great

RiverGrad07 (1:04:00 AM): but only when i need it

RiverGrad07 (1:04:34 AM): as far as me being in the dom role, i want the kind of person i can guide into doing the right thing and serving me

RiverGrad07 (1:05:04 AM): someone whose whole world is brightened by the change to do something for me

RiverGrad07 (1:06:53 AM): someone that if i'm in the dom seat will look to me for permission before taking a drink from someone or something small like that

RiverGrad07 (1:07:28 AM): someone that wouldn't mind going through a cuffing or collaring ceremony for me

RiverGrad07 (1:08:35 AM): (there are lots of cuffs like look like fashionable bracelets masculine and feminine. But they have a clasp that's difficult to open on your own or a discreet lock. so you can take your D/s relationship)

RiverGrad07 (1:09:02 AM): someone that's craving to feel bound to me in that way

RiverGrad07 (1:09:29 AM): you can interject anytime, feel free

RiverGrad07 (1:13:26 AM): To answer your question honestly, no I don't think you have a chance. It's not you.

RiverGrad07 (1:15:15 AM): You just don't seem to be the kind of person into this kind of thing

RiverGrad07 (1:15:29 AM): You might be disgusted but type something so I know you're alive

the0taku1 (1:18:17 AM): Sorry, fell out for a second there.

RiverGrad07 (1:18:30 AM): ah

RiverGrad07 (1:18:45 AM): allow me to let you catch up on what I typed then

the0taku1 (1:18:51 AM): Oh I got it.

the0taku1 (1:19:02 AM): I read really quick lol.

the0taku1 (1:19:26 AM): But, if you don't think so then I guess that's that.

RiverGrad07 (1:19:42 AM): It just doesn't seem like something you'd be comfortable with

RiverGrad07 (1:20:04 AM): i think i remember you said something about your ex being controlling and you not liking it

RiverGrad07 (1:20:36 AM): a big part of D/s is the fact that the sub is submitting and relenquishing control

RiverGrad07 (1:20:54 AM): it's not about taking that control.

the0taku1 (1:22:12 AM): Well it wasn't so much that, it was just that there wasn't any kind of explanation on her part.

the0taku1 (1:22:21 AM): I never knew what exactly it was that she wanted.

the0taku1 (1:22:52 AM): If she wanted something like what you're saying (which is what it seems like looking back) then I would have been fine with it (I'd think) if I had just known in advance what was going on.

the0taku1 (1:23:07 AM): It was also a maturity issue with her though.

the0taku1 (1:23:26 AM): She had a kind of still high school "hey I want to be a princess" kind of air about her sometimes.

the0taku1 (1:23:47 AM): And that didn't come out till near the end, and as I'm sure you've picked up, I can't fucking stand that.

the0taku1 (1:23:52 AM): The preppy kind anyway.

the0taku1 (1:24:14 AM): What you're saying wouldn't seem that bad, just if like I said, I knew what was expected.

RiverGrad07 (1:25:01 AM): hindsight's a bitch

the0taku1 (1:26:36 AM): Yep.

the0taku1 (1:26:38 AM): But anyway.

the0taku1 (1:26:45 AM): I guess I should get to sleep, again lol.

the0taku1 (1:26:52 AM): See you.

RiverGrad07 (1:27:18 AM): night

the0taku1 (1:27:20 AM): Night.

the0taku1 signed off at 1:27:48 AM.

I guess what I'm saying is I want to be worthy of someone's trust and respect. I want a loving relationship. I don't want secrets.

Forebaring

I feel all panicky. Like the slightest thing could send my heart racing. I'm not sure if it's because of my mounting loneliness and dissatisfaction with the status quo or the diet pills I started taking again. But my chest really hurts and so does my stomach. Not to mention I just feel jumpy and uncomfortable.

Something wicked this way comes...

I want...

a relationship. Preferrably a D/s one. It'd be pure bliss if I could find one with someone that switches.

I like being taken care of, but I also like to take care of others. I'm not sure how to explain how I feel about it. I just know that it's important to me to be in control in the next relationship I'm in. Because I don't want to suffer through heartbreak again. Control is something I thrive off of. But I also thrive from giving that control up. Which is why I think a relationship with a switch might be something to look into. I do know I'm tired of being lonely.

I miss taking care of someone. Hearing the little things about someone's day. I don't want to rush into something and get hurt again though. That's the only thing.

2:07am

The madness, the sadness, and the anxiety are steadily ramping up to create a cacophony of delirium causing noise.

I am slowly going mad.

I'm wide awake, have homework undone I had all weekend to do that I just couldn't get motivated for. I'm growing more suicidal by the minute and there is no end in sight. I'm not sure I can breath. I feel fat and have decided to give food up all together. Jesus Christ I just want someone to put me first.

Things always work out

I got all my stuff done for my pictures unsure how I was going to pay for it. Then I get asked to babysit six kids and I get sixty bucks. (Saturday) I hop at Sonic and come home with tips. And worked a great shift. Yes Krystal was managing but Courtney was there and so was Naudia, Jamel, Chris, and Jack. I laughed, I swore, I flirted, and went home somewhat on time.

I'm still achy but not so tired. I have a new wheel on my car so I feel a bit more at peace. I could use that massage but I don't know anyone that gives one. I'm at a place in my life where I'm dumping the shit. Because I'm tired and I have better ways to expend my energy. I really just want to be taken care of. I'm tired.

Take care of me for a change

I need money.
I don't have it.
I suppose I'm overly generous when I can't afford to be. And I can't seem to control my spending. I'm eating out all of the time when I don't absolutely have to. Why this is I don't know. But I'm just going to sit tight because something always comes through for me when I least expect it. Although I doubt it will happen now.
My check is small because I didn't work the first week of school. So my whole check is going to hair and nails for my senior pics. Because I honestly don't see the point of spending money to take the pictures if I look like shit. Well, sloppy shit. No matter what I do I'm going to look like shit regardless. But I'd like to look like well put together shit.
Fuck it whatever. I just need about 50 dollars to save my ass so I can pull everything together. And I don't have it and I know I'm not going to get it. Because I rarely get anything.

I've learned something about myself

I have no patience for people that complain excessively. Or those that make wrong decisions on purpose to overdramatize their situation.

None. Whatsoever.

Too bad that's the only kind of people I deal with.

It's almost the end of the second week of school. I'm tired. I'm achy. I need one of those nice, slow back rubs that I seem to be great at giving but not receiving. I hear they're great. Maybe they aren't as great though and I just don't know it cause I've never gotten one. Who knows. I feel like crap. I need some TLC. From someone else. A massage, cuddling, and then a nap. That's what I need and that's what I want.

Any offers? Feel free to contact me. Hell feel free to do anything that lets me know someone besides me reads this. Fake names are ok if I can tell who you are underneath them. Even if I can't they're okay.

No Sick Day

I was sick today. I went to school. I slept and slept. And hacked and wheezed and felt like crud. But I was in school. Why you ask? So I could go to my extracirrculars. I went and for what? People talked at both of them the whole time. The entire time. It was fuckin' ridiculous. Truly. But it was still fun. I mean after all how can it not be? It's SCA and PRIDE. They're always fun. Except for days like today where you go to Chick-Fil-A with PRIDE kids after practice and lock your keys in the car. And find this out after everyone leaves and they're closing Chick-Fil-A down. That just sucks.

Only in my house

Last night. Or Monday morning to be as accurate as possible. It was around one am. I'd been upstairs looking for a flash drive so I could set up the new wireless network since I can't seem to find all the right codes to access the one we have here. Plus I figure if I set it up then I'll just know everything and can get everyone on track. We have two desktops and two laptops, it'd be nice if everyone could get online at the same time. Anyway, I come downstairs after doing that to just hack into my neighbor's wireless and show some love to my new laptop, which I'm on, and my mother is in the kitchen. She is making (and drinking) mimosas. At one in the morning.

Only at my house. Only at my house.

The Outcomes of the Cards and Labels

So I mailed friendship cards to Stever and HIM. Sure I could have called and told Stever that yes someone does in fact care and I could have called HIM and apologized and begged forgiveness. But sometimes cards just say shit better. I guess HE liked what the card said cause HE called me. Of course my shitty job made me miss his call but that's neither here nor there. Actually it's everywhere. I'm still ticked off about it.

I was looking at my list of labels. I have it organized not by alphabet but by the number of times people get a mention. Underneath depression, friends and my self-image is HIM. We have this huge blow ups and arguements and still HE's important to me. That's some feaky shit.

So..

1. Papa went to the ER tonight because of his leg still hurting from when I caused him to fall Tuesday before school.
2. Being in the heat during Girl Scouts and my car when I got a flat and then being in the cold of Sonic has cause my allergic reaction to turn into a cold.
3. I want to sleep while being held.
4. I can't think straight.
   
5. often wonder if there's any point in telling anyone anything anymore.
6. That's a lot of anys.
7. HE called around nine and I was working until ten tonight so I missed HIS call by like an hour.
8. I'm mad as hell that I missed HIS call.
9. I'm actually mad as fuck.
   
10. I don't like people(friends).
11. I'm not that fond of people in general.
12. I hate my job.
13. I'm too lazy to find another one.
14. I'm too lazy to find a better paying one.
    
15. I'm just lazy.
16. Any problems of anyone I know are my fault apparently.
    

ick part deux

I'm allergic to cigarette smoke. But because I hate for people to not LOVE me, I have let someone smoke in my car. And he's been a shithead about holding/funneling the smoke out of the window. So my throat is swollen. Not because of any virus but because I'm having an allergic reaction. boo.

First football game of the season tonight. We won. Beat up Hampton. My baby brother started. Number 62. I hate him but I'm proud of him.

Dinner afterwards with Becca, Courtney, and China was FUN, FUN, FUN.

ick

So it's about midnight. I was sleeping but I woke up to take out my contacts. Decided to get up and print off something to take into Government tomorrow. I love our discussions. I could argue politics and the state of the nation with Ben and David all day. Lauren too. I feel teribly. I'm not sure if it's because I'm tired or not. I can't remember eating dinner, but I've been arguing with my brother all evening about why I'm not at his beck and call as far as rides are concerned. (Someone lied to this poor boy and told him that since his sister got her license, he will always have his own personal ride and he will never have to carpool again. How sad.) After a couple of rounds of that, I slept the sleep of the dead and then woke up, so I'm a little disorientated. This all translates into me not being able to remember dinner if I had it. I don't want to eat in case I did because that's extra calories that I don't need. But I am hungry and perhaps a little weak from that. Ooo. Bad wording. I KNOW I'm a little (a lotta) weak. I'm just not sure why. I'm going to lay down before I throw up.

To everyone who's blog I read:
I don't remember most of your links off the top of my head. Once I get my laptop back, I will read up and comment on backposts.

First Week in Review

So there was some minor drama which I will share which will explain why I'm just now blogging and why I'm blogging each day.

Tuesday: The very first day. I looked cute. Pulled together and sophisticated. My father got confused about what time we were supposed to be at school, got agitated and fell. I came home and my laptop screen was destroyed. Magically of course cause he didn't do it and no one else was home. I started off my classes, which this semester are:

• Anatomy
• AP Government
• Freshman Composition 111
• Probability and Statistics

Not bad classes and not bad teachers. I got wet earlier in the day and was freezing the rest of the day because the ac is on full blast in all the rooms but I managed to stay awake until fourth block. (math) I practically passed out and that was that. Got home and Dad was grumpy but I was just whatever about it. Not the laptop but his attitude. I had one of my own.

Wednesday: Started off right at home was a little late. The deep fryer (one of them anyway) in the cafeteria caught on fire, so thank God I bought a wrap at WaWa for lunch on the way to school. I hate PB&J, which was the alternative since the stove weren't in commission. I stayed awake all day and I got school supplies afterwards. In between the end of class and school supplies at friendly Wal-Mart, I dropped my laptop off to have the screen replaced. My mother paid for it but I'm still displeased as it has to be sent off and is going to take 1-2 weeks minimum to get that screen replaced. I got a pink Tinkerbell backpack and got home at like midnight. Mom and I were silly in Wal-Mart and it was SOOO much fun.

Thursday: Normal day. Had an SCA Homecoming Dance Committee meeting after school which was a pain because I swear the chairperson has set ideas in her head and they don't really work for the kids we have at River. But it's whatever. I mailed off cards that I bought at Wal-Mart yesterday today so we'll see the outcome of them soon. And I'll blog about it.

Moving in a good direction

So I'm looking at schools and with family being the way it is and everything else (money!! or lack thereof) ODU is looking like a pretty good option. It'd be pretty cool if Stever and I ended up going to the same college. Because then we'd share an apartment. And it'd be really cool. And good for the both of us. Like, I can see it. Trying to figure out which mother's house will get graced with our prescence(sp?) for Sunday dinner. Eating breakfast in front of the tv watching music videos. Just being our own kind of two person family. With our significant others tossed in if they exist. We've got each other for friends, so we'll be okay if we're single. But it would just be awesome. I can't wait. Really can't wait. Here's to hoping.

Faces

I'm watching a Degrassi marathon on the N. I love this show. It's full of drama and cool stuff and it's just great.
One of the characters, Jay, looks like HIM. Jay was being a really good friend to Alex after her and Paige broke up and it made me miss HIM. A lot. He and I had a a falling out. He basically took in the past couple of weeks of events (from the father freak out about PRIDE onward) and called my family dysfunctional. So I told him to go fuck himself. It's like our umpteenth blowup of the year. We haven't talked since. I miss HIM. I could call, but I'll be damned if I cave first. I just needed him to be my friend. Not put me down and make me feel like shit.

I'm tired of wondering where I stand on certain things so I'm just going to stop thinking about it. Them. You know what I mean.

Change is on the horizon and I'm not sure I'm ready. I know I'm not. I don't like change. Especially if I'm not sure what it means for me and where I stand in all of this.

I am victorious

So I got my phone.

Every biweekly paycheck for the next two months (that's four checks) I will pay my mother $94 for my insurance. That's like a drop in my check. I also have to start paying for my gas, but I get tips when I work, people like to randomly gift me and I babysit. So it's not going to be that much of an issue. I've got money in the bank, money in my savings, and money in my wallet. Brent and Stella aren't all that bad to sit for. They pay well and they make sure their kids are taken care of. My mom thinks I will run at the drop of a hat. Because she thinks I'm flaky. I like proving her wrong. I'm determined as all motherfuckin' get out. Just not about what she wants me to be. I have my own priorities. Oddly enough, I'm my own person. Imagine that shit.

Update on the Fast and the phone

I'm still hanging in there!!! I went to 7-11, where's all this tasty fattening food, and I left with nothing but the Slurpee for my dad that I went there for. I was so proud of myself. I started the fast at 1 am, so I'm about 17 hours into it. I'm really really proud of myself. Nothing but water. I didn't get to the gym but I did do some yard work(picked a few weeds and cleaned out my car). So I figure it's ok. I might do some crunches in a little bit.

I worked out something with my mother. I can get the phone I want and stay on the family plan and keep my number if I

1. pay for the phone itself.
2. pay for my car insurance.
3. chart my mileage whenever I take my brother and dad somewhere so she only pays for that gas.
   

My insurance is paid up for six months because that's the way insurance is paid for. So I have to pay her for insurance that's already been purchased. (Jun-Dec) It's not that bad, it's only $64 a month. I'm going to be at Sonic for a few weeks longer than I thought. But oh well it's all good. The phone I want is not only nifty because of the extras it offers but because it's built for heavy use. Which is what my phone gets.

I have to babysit again tonight. She called today asking me to sit because she forgot she asked me to last night. Wow. A bit trippy much?

Fuck..

..is my favorite word in the English language.

I forgot to mention I baby-sat last night. (As I write this it is Saturday morning.) Interesting couple. They're new off of Craigslist. Put it like this, if one of them chooses to overuse alcohol and the other one chooses to overuse anti-depressants, that's not my business. So what if they've never heard of dishwashing or sweeping? As long as they pay me I don't care. I'm 32 dollars richer than before. Which is good.

Never a dull moment

So if you read the other bulletin you know what's going on with my phone. Well I was planning on getting another phone when our contract was up anyway but now I need it. My mother is refusing to "allow" me to pay for the phone I want. She says I'm in high school so I don't need a nice phone. (It should be apparent I do because I keep going through them due to heavy use.) However instead of arguing with her I have decided to just get my own phone and my own plan. However, me not being 18 is throwing a wrench in my plans. What I need is either someone to sign for it for me, or someone willing to add me to their plan. I don't want anyone to have to pay any extra charges so if you're in the middle of your plan and it'd be a hassle to add me it's no problem, don't worry about it. Basically it would be in your name but that's it. The bill would be sent to my house and I'd pay for it completely. It would only have to be for a year. (When I go to college, if I go away, I'm going to want to change the number.) I'm trying to go with Alltel.

Even if you can't help me thanks for reading this.

Joy

That's a copy of the bulletin/blog I left all over Myspace. If any of my Blogger readers can help me out, feel free to let me know. Just to update you all, my phone won't stay on unless it's plugged up and I can't call out nor can I get calls. I'm ticked about this whole situation. I have to change my number. Unless I can swing an affordable plan with Verizon.
It's one thing after another with my mom. And it will probably always be this way. There's no getting around this and frankly I'm sick of trying. She made me mad enough to walk home today. She also made me mad enough to break my diet and eat a hot dog, a boston creme doughnut, and some personal noodles thing (knock off Ramen). This in addition to the cereal and piece of chicken I had before she came home adds up to me eating practically nothing but carbs all day. So I will be getting up early and going to the gym before I go shopping for school clothing. Really early because I have to come home and shower. Maybe I could shower there and just go shopping. What I can't do is have the Starbucks that I like to have while I cruise the mall or get an Auntie Anne's pretzel since I'll be on a 24 hr fast to compensate for my bad eating habits. Water, Powerade, and sugarless gum. (It helps to have something in my mouth that I can chew.) In other circumstances, I might not have to do this, but I haven't been to the gym since Monday. And that's just no good.

I. Am. Not. Ready.

School is coming.

On Tuesday. And I'm so not ready. Totally not ready. I'm completely overwhelmed. I already feel like I'm inadequate and just not good enough to be around other people. I feel like everyone is thinking "God, we have to put up with HER. Why? What did we do wrong?". I hate these feelings but since there's nothing I can really do about the way people feel about me, I just have to let it go. And feel like shit by myself. Maybe I AM shit. I don't know. I don't particularly care at this point. I'd just like a little inner peace.

Let's not forget along with not being mentally or emotionally ready, I have AP Gov work I STILL have not finished.

Delusions

If you repeatedly tell yourself (and others around you) something, is it because it's true and you're reassuring yourself of that fact or is it because you're hoping it's true? I hate talking in code, but it's recently come to my attention that sometimes it pays to hold your cards close to your vest. Being overly upfront and honest is not always a great thing. But at times it is. I'd hate to think about what it would mean if I was trying to delude myself into feeling or not feeling something. Because it takes two to tango and I'm pretty sure noone wants to tango with me.

I'm mad hungry. I haven't eaten anything yet. And I'm thinking I should. But food is downstairs and I am not. But thinking that I can sit up here and not eat is stupid. But it's all the way downstairs. I don't know why some part of me feels that if I exercise a whole bunch and barely eat I will lose more weight and people will like me better. Well society says you're a better person if you're thin so I get that. But the whole unhealthy eating and exercising thing I just feel compelled to do. And yes it's delusional. But go figure.

My friend is delusional. And he knows I'm talking about him. But in the interest of being kind, I'll just say that I hope he wakes up and ditches the bitch. Soon. Because she's irksome. And two seconds from getting knocked the fuck out. By yours truly. Cause she's a skanky ho. She does NOT deserve him. At all. Not in the slightest.

My lazy day is a Tuesday

I spent today in bed.

Scott's bed to be more exact.

I laughed, got screwed to the seventh level of heaven, cuddled, gave (in my opinion) great head, and slept. I got a nice back rub too.

It was a lazy day and it was a good day. I got there early enough to wake up his mama (she was grateful though cause she'd overslept) and just crawled into bed with him till I felt like being awake. Which was about five minutes later since he sleeps in the nude and was sportin' MASSIVE morning wood. The typical day insued. Homewreckers is a funny show. Very funny. I'd kill the "friend" that set me up like that though. Like seriously, someone would be looking for body parts. Reversing those pranks must cost a shitload of money. I like his house. It's cozy and it's got this rambling effect going for it. Like you KNOW people have lived there for like ever. I like his bed cause oftentimes, he's in it. And he has cool The Nightmare Before Christmas sheets. But mostly cause he's in it. It was a nice relaxing day. A good one. I have inside jokes I can laugh out loud at in Wal-Mart when I'm there at two in the morning. (It helps keep away the pervs.)

There was the monkey wrench that not eating, taking a diet pill with a shitload of caffiene(sp?), exerting an EXTREME amount of energy, and being in a HOT room is. But despite that, it was a good day and I'd do it again. I mean I left the house around nine and didn't get home until after six. If Dad didn't need his meds, there's a good chance I'd still be over there. (I like how I'm the only one that can do that by the way.) I really had no other reason to leave. I'm still feeling a little shaky so I'm going to work on that summer AP Gov work, I STILL DON'T HAVE DONE. This shit IS NOT going to be finished by next week. Bad way to start off the school year. Bad. Back to work I go though.

Being Fit is Good

I had a Cinnamon Crunch bagel from Panera. Then I worked out for about an hour. Then I had a banana. I'm trying to decide if I should eat now. And if so, what? I'm feeling good about burning calories, but my greedy stomach is talking to me.

I just...

wanna be held right now.

I can't seem to stop

I just had steak.

And ice cream.

With chocolate syrup.

I've made myself sick to my stomach with my gluttony.

Last Night

I attempted to kill myself. It didn't work. Again I failed. At yet another thing. I just can't live with the guilt that my dad is the way he is because of me and my inability to keep people from being mad at me. I could cause him to have another stroke because I keep fucking up. I came home from PRIDE and he was just screaming and screaming and screaming. It was horrible. I'm horrible. Not to mention I can't do anything right. I can't even kill myself when I want to.

I ate today. Potato chips, an apple, and a tiny piece of cake. So along with being a failure and a bad daughter, I have no self control.

Bottom of the Toilet

So I worked out with my personal trainer yesterday. And he weighed me and took my body fat measurements.

205 pounds. 32.6% body fat.

Ew. I'm pretty sure every guy that I've ever slept with, all three of them, are probably looking for someplace to sanitize their dicks.

I want to hang myself. I thought about it. Looking for a rope. And then realized whatever I found to hang myself from would probably not be able to support my weight. I cried. Then neglected the idea of hanging myself. After all, I wouldn't want to make everyone's dislike worse by breaking their stuff.

Cars aren't my friend

So I figured I'd get up, go work out (worked out at Bally's last night for the first time, loved it), and hang out with Scott before he had to go to work.

Not so.

Mom didn't pick up Dad's insulin or test strips yesterday. Funny thing, she forgot to mention that to me. Dad of course starts screaming at me like it's my fault. So I'm getting up scrabbling to get dressed to get his meds and Mom walks in with it like it's no fucking deal. This man has been screaming and ranting and raving for (no lie) 15 minutes straight. I'm fed up beyond belief. Like bust a blood vessel fed up. And she just waltzes in. After that, I take Matt to get his cleat spikes. That he absolutely must have. After driving to Va Beach and back to drop him off, I get to see Scott. Hurray Scott. He made me smile and laugh which is what makes me consider him a friend. We chilled and then we go to leave. He has to work and I have to go home because he has to work. The charge light was on in my car on the way to his house. Lo and behold, it would not start when we were getting ready to leave. Maybe the universe was trying to tell us to hop back into bed. I don't know. Basically, I bitched and cried like a baby and acted like a punk because I HATE feeling like I'm asking people to go out of their way to help me. I'm afraid, deep on the inside that people won't like me because I ask them for things. And secretly, I just wanna be liked. After that, I get home and Dad is fussing and I'm like what the fuck ever dude. I have Mom take me to work because upon further inspection, my battery AND my alternator are/were shit. So I replaced the battery and now have to get the alternator rewired. Fuck and a half. Work was FUCKING SHIT. I'm looking for another job. One that pays well and doesn't drive me to drink. A thought occured to me tonight that I shall share.

The days I get laid are supposed to be golden. Especially when it's not just good, but happy. Sex with Scott is not as casual as I thought. But neither is it relationship, let's talk marriage sex. It's you're my friend that I can confide in and you make me laugh sex. Very good for the spirit. Scott is good people. Very good people. I shall miss him when he leaves. Laughing isn't easy for me you know. And making me laugh just comes naturally to him. Which is pretty cool. He's fairly cool.

I guess that was a couple of thoughts.

Polite Joy isn't awake at seven in the morning

Today was interesting. HE imed me after sending a couple emails. I went upstairs after pouring myself a big ole Long Island Ice Tea. I fall asleep before I can finish it. I wake up and I'm like ok so it's 7, almost 8 am. I'll finish this off and get up in an hour, down a gallon of water and be good to drive Matt to his orthodontist appt. at 10. While I drive drunk, I don't drive drunk with family in the car. Not even five minutes later, Mom calls. She needs me to come pick her up because the van broke down. So I down water, I mean chug it like a champ. I drive out there and she's ungrateful as hell. Which I didn't appreciate considering driving drunk is one thing but driving hung over is quite another. I don't like driving hung over. Left me a killer headache for the rest of the day. She comes home and bitches about my sailr mouth and my attitude. Of course I wasn't going to tell her that I was drunk. That's no good. But still. She never said thank you. And that's mean. She took up my whole day. I don't mind but she could be grateful.

I am...

the one that's lied to.
the ugly one.
the one no one really likes.
the one no one calls.
the one that has no friends.
the one that starves herself because she feels fat.
the one with a drinking problem.
the one who cuts herself to get rid of the ugly.
the one who always looks over her shoulder for people she KNOWS is laughing at her.
a girl who cries herself to sleep.
someone who can't look herself in the eye because she disgusts herself.

me.
No more, no less.

Newness

So I'm trying out Blogger beta. You might see some changes to my site. Leave comments if they provoke you to do so.

I saw a skin I sorta liked. Here's the link to it.
http://www.blogskins.com/apply.php?sid=104908&action=Preview
It needs some modifications though. Such as a way to put the titles back in. And make a "leave a comment" link. If you know stuff like that, lemme know and tell me what you think of the skin itself. Also, feel free to leave comments on any of the shit I've written in the past week.

IN ONE WEEK, I WILL BE USING ONE OF THE BLOGGER(BETA) OPTIONS AND RESTRICTING READERS. IF YOU WISH TO CONTINUE READING I NEED YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS. YOU CAN SEND IT TO ME AN EMAIL WITH BLOGGER IN THE SUBJECT LINE.

Realizations

I love to speed. My recent depression had revealed that to me. Could it kill me yes, but at least I'll have fun before I go.

The golden rule is as follows: Treat others as you wish to be treated. I apply it in most situations and it doesn't always get applied to me. The thought that I got was, why should I apply it to people that are fake with me and stab me in the back? I shouldn't and I won't any more. I can be just as fake as other people without feeling any guilt. Because inside I think I'm a decent person.

Stopped by Bally's on the way to work yesterday. I'm no longer going to be the fat friend people take advantage of. The fat girl people lie to and tell she's pretty because they know she's longing to be loved. The fat friend people know they can ask for anything because she's desperate for friendship.

No longer.
Never again.

A good friend of mine got the awesomest oppourtunity. He's been offered a chance to move to New York. I'm envious naturally because I mean come on it's motherfuckin' New York. It's the shit really. But I'm not envious in a way that I hope he doesn't go. I do hope he takes this chance. Not because I don't like him and want him to move away but because he's cool people and I don't want him to be stuck waiting. This situation has made me do a lot of thinking naturally. I'm not applying to any in-state colleges. Because I need to get away. I don't want to be stuck waiting on certain people to treat me right because it's never going to happen. I'm tired of waiting and I won't anymore.

I babysat last night, which is where the driving reference comes from that started this blog. I had to work last night at Sonic though, so I gave Kat Holly's number. Even though it's HIGHLY debateable if she makes the greatest friend, she's good with kids and I know that. Tay and Ri liked her. But just talking about it over the phone with Kat made me want to see the kids and I know they could use all the extra love and hugs and good things they could get since their dad's away, so I stopped by after work. Which sorta worked out cause Holly had to go home before she got back. The kids came to greet me in the driveway, that was nice. Made me feel good. Which I could always use. I'm going over there for a cookout and then work. So I'm doing things today because sleeping and Sonic. Which is good cause I'm starting to resent work at Sonic. So if anyone knows of any good job oppourtunites, keep me posted because yes the money's good and I have fun, but that's starting to be outweighed by the fucked up scheduling and just the rudeness.

That' s it for now. I'm off on my way.

The Long Road Home

Ok so it's not long but on the drive home today I didn't drive less than 40 mph. It was thrilling. Exhilrating. It was bliss. Slightly dangerous? No. It was a lotta dangerous. The way home is quite curvy. But I loved it.

I love my new bag. It has room for everything. A small notepad, my wallet, my flask, my knife, a calculator and other assorted things that I can't think of and don't feel like digging through it to identify.

I'm not tired but I have nothing to say. Except for that I ate a bowl of cereal, a sandwich, a chicken wrap, mozzerella sticks and a chocolate cream pie shake. Not all at the same time but still. I feel so fat. And unhealthy. But I can fix it tonight. Later. And it's going to be bliss.

The Guilt and the Shame

Today I ate. I had an apple, a small piece of steak with a slice of rye bread wrapped around it, a small bag of potato chips, and two bowls of fruit loops.

If I had any will, I'd make myself puke to throw it all back up again. Or perhaps a strong will would have kept me from pigging out in the first place. I feel like I should hide myself from the world because I ate the way I did. I feel dirty.

I ran errands today and I stepped in pee at Target. That's the kind of shit that makes me want to hate people. Blech. But I got a new bag and maybe I'll take a photo and post it up here for you to look at. It's a man bag by Mossimo. It's quite nice. I also got new blades for my utility knife at Home Depot. Part of the pleasure is the straightness, the neatness, the cleaniness of the scars. All the purity and perfection that I strive for is in those nice neat scars. Which is why I needed sharper blades that the one that was in my knife. Which I had to HUNT for. I mean I spent like 2.5 hours looking for it. The knife, not the blades. But I found and I got new blades. The cashier was even nice enough to give me bills for the shitload of change that I always have on me courtesy of Sonic.

I babysat this evening and the kids were really missing their dad. Like badly. It made me feel nice that I could help them out with that. I told them stories of things I did to not miss my mom when she went away. Of course I was fiendin' for my blade the whole time but I stayed distracted long enough to make it work.

Never again will I be the fat girl you befriend just because you're mad at your other friends.
Never again will I be the fat girl you fuck because you don't think you can do any better.
I was a fool for abandoning the things that supported me in favor of false things such as people.
Never
Ever
Again
I will not be that foolish ever again.

The three Vicodin I took are kicking in so I'm off to bed to slice until I feel well enough to sleep.

The Most Beautiful Thing

Bright crimson
Dull brown
Splashing
or Dripping
Oozing
or Streaming

The blood that washes away my pains as it leaves my body is indeed the most beautiful thing.

The Void

I want to say something. But I'm really not sure what to say. Well I don't know. I have thoughts and I could voice them but as someone quite charmingly pointed out redundancy is silly. So I won't.

The tears run down my face in rivers
As I scream until my throat is raw
As I lay dying my body shivers
The world watches in awe
They never knew they cried
They didn't see it coming
If they had they surely would have tried
To end my pain and suffering
But they're guilty of sin
For they are the greatest of liars
They saw the pain within
Then they added fuel to the fires
Your excuses are worthless now
I don't really wanna know how
You tried and tried to help me

You turned your back
And that's a fact
You can't undo the wrongs

Don't worry though
I've fixed it so
You'll never have to be concerned again

There's that old song that's got the catchy refrain "I wanna be sedated". I don't want to be sedated, I want to be dead.

Eh

My breasts are mega sore on top of everything else. Boo. That makes me sad. Not to mention I can't lay down on my stomach.

Say 'ello to th' 'ittle ones

For some reason I thought I'd type in a Cockney accent. But just the title. Not the own damn thing. Shit. That'd be hard. A lot of new people are reading my blog because I've passed the url on to a few people. Say hi to them everyone. To those of yall not just new to my blog but Blogger blogs in general, you can leave comments by clicking other and leaving an im screen name or your actual name. In fact please do. Understand that by allowing you to read this, I'm doing a few things.

I am

• trusting you to like/love me in spite of what you read here
• trusting you to keep what you read here to YOURSELF
• Not ya mama
• Not CPS
• Just yo ass
• trusting you to keep this url to yourself
• trusting you to understand that despite all of my piss 'n vinegar, sometimes I need help and I don't know how to directly ask for it.
  

Be smart not stupid.

Musings of a Sunday eve

The one true source of protection you have these days is yourself. I hate to sound cynical, but maybe that's just how I am. Is that a bad thing? Is it dangerous to have your guard up against attack? No, I don't think so. I think it's good to be wary.

I thought I'd met a nice new guy and I was wrong. He basically sees me as an easy lay. And he comes off as unbalanced. And he's not him. So yeah. Lost cause. I'd hate for him to end up as someone who thinks they can call me only when they're horny. Because that's not me at all. I'm not meant to be casual about sex. I don't like to be. I'm NOT. I need someone caring and deep about me. I need emotion. I crave it. I'm a hugging kind of girl. The best sound to fall asleep to is the heartbeat of someone you love. I love strong arms and big hands. Kisses on the forehead. I'm not willing to settle for anything less.

Speaking of things that I like and I don't like, I don't like the nausea, migraines, chest pains, and muscles aches that I've been experiencing for about the past week. It's a crap shoot whether or not I keep food down. I just want to snuggle up with someone and be taken care of, but I hate pity so that's a no go. I don't like that I'm even thinking of cutting again. I really don't like the fact I had the knife to my flesh. He'd be SO disappointed. But then again I never really stopped for myself, it was for him. Well both. He was happier when I was taking care of myself and I didn't want to burden him. He looked so sad everytime he saw fresh cuts. It about broke my heart. But he cared all the same. Bless him. I also don't like the fact that I took a drink the last time Stephen was over here. He's a great friend though. He didn't get mad at me. Just looked at me with a very sad look. Asked me if anything was wrong; if I was ok. I lied and said I was just tired. It's not like he's just kickin' it at home though. He's got family stuff and girlfriend & company issues. Not to mention the high school-you're going to be a senior-lock in the rest of your life already drama. (It is in fact drama.) I just don't want to dump that on him.

I have sharing issues.

I miss just being friends with him. If everyone can just quit screwing it up, maybe I'll get that back before school starts. So I can start off strong.

Like I told my buddy Steve about relationships with certain people....it looks like a damn train wreck from the outside, but straight in the middle, where no one can really see, it's a pinprick of heaven. You deal with the cuts and the scrapes and the burns for that spot of heaven.

I'm a mess...

and I'm ok with it.

Why aren't you?

Because you aren't them.


You aren't the posse that loves me and shelters me from myself. But that's ok. Because not being the posse makes you suck ass.

What's the point?

So things here at the house have been a little hectic lately. I'm not feeling all that much better either. But that's neither here nor there. In the essence of sticking to a specific topic of my choosing, it's quite insignificant.

Oftentimes there are things, places, people in your life that you should let go. But you don't because the familiar is better than the unknown. Well perhaps not better, but safer. It's better to choose the evil you know versus the one that you don't. At times I wonder if there's any point in making a choice at all, especially if you're going to be fucked over in the end regardless of the choice that you make.

Very few instances in the world today have any basis in fact or any real purpose to speak of. People in today's world are implusive, flighty, and just generally irresponsible. While that's a part of who I am and I thrive that way, at times I wish for people of substance. People who stand by their words, convictions, and actions. But alas, there's no reason to ask what's the point of hoping for that because there is no point. Because with the advancement of society, it's becoming more and more customary for people to shirk responsibility.

Although pain can come crashing at you like a rocket, let your blade be your shield and the tears of your blood become the balm that heals your world of the destruction.

Yes that time in my life is back. I could be sad about that, but as the title says what's the point?

I'm cracking like a 500 pound hooker's cheap glass heels

I'm tired. Really tired. I might be sleeping in my car this weekend. Not that anyone could care. Not that I care if people care.
The opinons of others are overrated. It's really about you and what you can live with. I just realized I have a fuck buddy. I'm not sure when Scott turned into that and I'm not sure how I feel about it because I never thought I'd be that casual about sex. But what is is and there's nothing you can do about it.

So.....

I'm sitting here and I feel like crying because I feel loved because I just read a comment on another entry from my buddy Stever. (He has no r on the end of his name, I just type on autopilot and he gets one.) To know that someone not only gives a damn, but that much of a damn, it's a great feeling. Stever is the one friend who I know will never hurt me and then claim it was in my best interests. If something that's good for me will hurt me, then he won't do it. Stever's goal first and foremost is to see me happy. He's never stabbed me in the back "for my own good".

I love ya Stever.

We haven't had an oven for about a week. I want homecooked food. For real, on a serious tip. I still feel sick but I have no time to go to the doctor or anything like that before someone says something. My chest hurts when I'm sitting still and it's worse when I get agitated or start moving fast. (Which means it's like hell on earth during my six hour shifts.) So don't make me feel worse by calling me to argue. Cause I'm not in the mood and I literally am unable to put you in your place right now.

Also, someone could have told me before now that my blog was on PST. That's nice and all, but I'm on the East Coast.

I'd be greatly appreciative...

if you all suscribed to Bloglet so I could suscribe to your blogs. So I wouldn't check them everyday for a week looking for updates just for yall to post three entries on the one day I don't check. Seriously, yall are beginning to irk my nerves. I'm still feeling sick.

There's nothing new and that's the not-so-great thing

So I feel sorta kinda like crap. Chest pains, headache, nausea, joint and muscle pain. I guess I'm just really tired and worn down. I've been working late nights. Like getting home at 2 am. Getting up and going to summer school. Dealing with Dad and Matt and then more of the same. I'm just feeling battered. There's really no fun in my life anymore. I don't do anything fun because I'm either too tired or working or have Dad watch. I'd be crying about everything but I guess I'm just too tired to do that too. I'm supposed to be doing lunch with a friend tomorrow (Wednesday), but she didn't call me so I guess we're not doing anything. Cause I mean, we talked last week and said we were doing lunch and that we'd pick the restaurant when we went out. And then I was like I'm on my way and she was like we didn't plan anything so she planned stuff with her mom. I don't know. Phones work both ways and honestly, I get tired easily. I can't always place calls. It's kinda of grating on me to always call people and never get an answer. I rarely call my mother about stuff anymore. Like when something occurs, if I'm going to be at work before she gets home, I just leave sticky notes on the fridge. If that. I don't know. I just can't seem to be bothered to call people that don't answer the phone. Or if they do, they don't have the time to talk. I can quite easily see how "Mary" just stopped calling people. It's a bit of a blow to the ego to call people and not be wanted.

I'm hungry but too tired to get anything to eat. So my mommy is making me a salad and bringing it to me. Which is nice of her. Cause she's nice. I'm not sure that I can get it down and keep it down but I'm going to make an concentrated effort. Maybe I can get some more sleep. Cause God knows I'm dead tired even though I've been sleeping on and off all day.

Changes

Things are changing fast and I'm not sure that I like that. In fact I know that I do not. But I can't make them unchange. And that's disappointing. I miss him. SO much. I feel like I can't call him up just to shoot the shit and that's upsetting. So very upsetting. Shouldn't be that upsetting but it is. I burn for him. My want for him, my NEED is just this driving force. I'd be broke, barefoot, pregnant, and uneducated if it meant getting him forever and ever some more. That's a strange thought.

I'm getting a little sleepy and a little sad so I'm going to lay down and relax. Maybe sleep.

Today has been a full day, this week has been a full week

I went to school today. Stayed awake for review and what not. Slept for the 30 minutes towards the end of the class since we were all chilling and shooting the shit anyway.

After that I went and sat for the Withey family. I love sitting for that family. They're just sunny, laidback happy people. Tanned and healthy and just generally fun to be around. It was good for me to watch the kids today. Taylor had her friend over and THAT was interesting. Sometimes kids can be so mean to each other, it's insane. No matter how much babysitting I do, the pain still inside waiting until I'm unaware to catch me. That's a little heartbreaking when you think about it.

I have to go to work at nine, work until twelve, and then get up and take a test tomorrow. But tips are valuable and I need them. I need a lot of things.

Steve, I'm so incredibly sorry and I swear I'm trying to do better. I'm not that successful but I'm trying.

A Letter to a True Friend

Here's a copy of a letter that I wrote to a friend in Florida.

Hey!!!

Hope you're doing well in Florida. I hate to be a bummer and bring ya down, but I'm struggling so hard. I was supposed to go hang out with Drew on Sunday. I was already kind of tense about it because I called to see when we could hang out on Thursday and he didn't really get back to me until Saturday saying we could hang out Sunday. I get ready to leave my house and it's one thing after another with him. I end up driving out to Oceana and he's getting ready to leave to go chill with someone else when I get there. And it's like he doesn't even get why I'm mad. My personal time comes last on the list of the family. If my mother or brother wants to do something, I can't do what I want. So I have to plan ahead or really juggle to get free time on short notice. And he just doesn't care. My dad is smoking again, one of the things that attributed to his stroke and there's nothing I can really do about it. If it's not summer school, it's my family, or work because people there can't do anything right and/or on time. And I just want to hang out with my friend and destress and relax and he just adds to it whenever I try for three days to get time to hang out with him and he just blows me off. I'm so tired all of the time and I'm just so incredibly stressed. I just sit and cry about maybe 60% of the time I'm by myself. I don't get it. I try my hardest to be an understanding friend and just a good person in general and I can't seem to catch a break with anything. I sat in my car today and cried for 20 minutes. I wanted to get drunk and cut my wrists SO bad, but too many people count on me for me to afford myself that luxury. It's like everyone wants something from me, but no one wants to give and that just makes me wonder where I fucked up so bad to the point where no one can help me.

Sorry if this has been depressing but I just needed to get it out.


So that's the jist of what I was talking about in my other post. Yeah.

Just some stuff

So I'm miserable and in pain. I cried a lot yesterday and slept a lot. Today I just slept most of the day. I'd run an errand and then sleep. That was my afternoon. I'd kill to be able to slash my wrists and just sit in one spot and bleed. I'd also like to be able to just drink until I can't see straight. As it is, I drank a small bit today and I feel a small portion better. Not by much though.

I thought having a license would mean that I'd hang out more with my friends, but I just spend more time alone. And it's worse because now there's no "I don't have any gas" excuse. It's just plain old "I don't want to spend time around you".

My panic attacks are back and they're making up for lost time. Last night, well more like this morning since it was one am, it scared me so bad that I ended up calling Devin. Which is bad since I really don't want him in my life anymore.

I'm sick of fighting with my "friend" and I'm tired of coming last with the family. I'm just plain tired. And the physical pain I'm dealing with is excruciating. And it has been for the past few months, but I have no time to go to the doctor. So there's really no end in sight for all of that.

But I have homework and Steve's over so I'm just going to try to relax.