We're on an upswing now, I told you we were stars girl

Things are most definitely going a lot better than they were. I have a job now with Map Communications. I start after PRIDE conference on the 16th of April. I'll start out at $8 an hour and there are opportunities to quickly increase my wage. There are plenty of benefits that go with this job and it's going to allow me to attend school full time in the evening and also be home for Erica if that's needed of me. While nothing is set in stone yet, if it comes up I want to be prepared.
I've gone to the gym twice this week and I feel alive. I'm going to continue to make time for it, that is definitely for sure. I'm going to really make an effort to live healthier. Since I'm not so bogged down and underpaid, I feel happier and so I have more energy to devote to bettering myself.
I sat down with a counselor to map out my degree plan at TCC. I'm going for an associate's degree in social science. It'll transfer to ODU with no problem and I'll be able to help people later in life.

Life is good right now.

Make the screams stop

You know, I've been walking this earth for seventeen years. I'm not sure I've learned and retained as much as I could have. Anxiety is a very shitty thing to have to deal with. So is mental anguish.

I feel disappointed right now. Disappointed that I still haven't proven myself after all of this time. I'm not sure I ever will. That's a big thing to just sit and look at. It's like a wall. It's defeat. To just admit that no matter what you do you're going to fail.

I just hate everything right now. Everything. It's frustrating. My feelings are hurt to say the least. I know this is very cryptic but maybe I'll come back and expand it later and fill in the missing pieces. Maybe not. Probably not. Because I know what I'm going through and that's eventually all that matters. Friends are pointless as I continue to learn over and over again.

Stars
Your Ex-lover Is Dead
God that was strange to see you again
Introduced by a friend of a friend
Smiled and said 'yes I think we've met before'
In that instant it started to pour,
Captured a taxi despite all the rain
We drove in silence across pont champlain
And all of the time you thought I was sad
I was trying to remember your name...

This scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin
Tried to reach deep but you couldn't get in
Now you're outside me
You see all the beauty
Repent all your sin

It's nothing but time and a face that you lose
I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose
[ Lyrics found on http://www.metrolyrics.com ]

I'll write you a postcard
I'll send you the news
From a house down the road from real love...

Live through this, and you won't look back...
Live through this, and you won't look back...
Live through this, and you won't look back...

There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave
You were what I wanted
I gave what I gave
I'm not sorry I met you
I'm not sorry it's over
I'm not sorry there's nothing to say

I'm not sorry there's nothing to say...

It's events like those of the past week that make me feel like I'm not worth anyone's trust, or anyone's love, or anyone's respect. They make me feel like I'm not worth anything.

The story is sad but the love is magical

BRAD PAISLEY LYRICS
"Whiskey Lullaby" (feat. Alison Krauss)
She put him out like the burnin' end of a midnight cigarette
She broke his heart he spent his whole life tryin' to forget
We watched him drink his pain away a little at a time
But he never could get drunk enough to get her off his mind
Until the night

[1st Chorus]
He put that bottle to his head and pulled the trigger
And finally drank away her memory
Life is short but this time it was bigger
Than the strength he had to get up off his knees
We found him with his face down in the pillow
With a note that said I'll love her till I die
And when we buried him beneath the willow
The angels sang a whiskey lullaby

(Sing lullaby)

The rumors flew but nobody knew how much she blamed herself
For years and years she tried to hide the whiskey on her breath
She finally drank her pain away a little at a time
But she never could get drunk enough to get him off her mind
Until the night

[2nd Chorus]
She put that bottle to her head and pulled the trigger
And finally drank away his memory
Life is short but this time it was bigger
Than the strength she had to get up off her knees
We found her with her face down in the pillow
Clinging to his picture for dear life
We laid her next to him beneath the willow
While the angels sang a whiskey lullaby

(Sing lullaby)

Jobless and ok with it

Rest assured people. I have interviews next week. I know I spend WAY too much to jobless for long. But it's going to be ok for the amount of time that I am. I was just tired of being shit on for absolutely nothing. If I'm going to be working full time, I should have SOMETHING to show for it. And I have nothing because I was getting nothing from Kat but grief. I'm not even going to speak on that. All I will say is you can't expect kids to listen to someone you belittle. And you should have the balls to say it to that person's face. Farm Fresh is a whole nother load of shit. You WILL NOT accuse me of faking being sick in front of customers when I have just thrown up. If I can't transfer to another location then I'm quitting. I had them take me off the schedule until Jamie gets back to me about the status of my transfer. So I might as well not work there.

I have to learn to consistently stick up for myself. It's more than a little fucked up that that is the lesson I'm learning at 17.

I hate music that fits with my heart and life sometimes

THE FRAY
Look After You

If I don't say this now I will surely break
As I'm leaving the one I want to take
Forgive the urgency but hurry up and wait
My heart has started to separate

Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh
Be my baby
Oh, oh, oh
I'll look after you

There now, steady love, so few come and don't go
Will you won't you, be the one I always know
When I'm losing my control, the city spins around
You're the only one who knows, you slow it down

Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh
Be my baby
Oh, oh, oh
I'll look after you

If ever there was a doubt
My love she leans into me
This most assuredly counts
She says most assuredly

Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh
Be my baby
I'll look after you

It's always have and never hold
You've begun to feel like home
What's mine is yours to leave or take
What's mine is yours to make your own

Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh
Be my baby
Oh, oh, oh

Changes that aren't really changes

Dude. Same old shit, different motherfucking week.

Daddy went to jail last week. Early Friday morning. It was because he assaulted Mom in the process of trying to physically throw me out of the house. I feel guilty about it, but I think a part of me that was always sheltering his behavior died. I'm a little more grown up. It's sad it had to happen this way. But what are you going to do when you're the little girl that's just too motherfucking blind to realize her father doesn't hang the moon but in fact is a shithead that lies, manipulates and goes out of his way to hurt the people that are stupid enough to love him. Which at this point is me and me only. Because I'm pathetic. Whatever.

Some different things are happening with Andrew. But it's all dramatic and of course there are females involved so essentially ain't a goddamn thing changed. Things have changed but they haven't. Because that's just my life. That's how it'll be until I'm fucking dead. C'est la vie. C'est la motherfuckin' vie bitches.

My car is a piece of shit. A fucking piece of shit. Tell me why it seems I'm going to have to replace the fucking timing belt AGAIN. Second time in 7 months. That's some shit. Life is shit. The only difference is how much ends up on your boots.

Addressing Stephen's comment

I must be what I have stated that I am. All evidence points to that conclusion.

During the night

Nighttime is when it's the worst. Every mean thing, every loud cruel laugh, every shortcoming that's ever been directed to me comes rushing back at me like a train. It just consumes me. Every mistake I've ever made comes back, every failure. They all come screaming back at me in the night.

I.....

sense an argument coming up. I'm not sure with who. But I feel it. I talked to an old friend the other day. His cancer was upgraded to stage four. I feel bad for him but I still won't date him. I just...relationships aren't for me. They're not. I'm a fat, cheap whore. I wasn't meant to have friends or meaningful relationships. That's why they've never worked. (I can NOT believe it took me that long to figure that out.) Sometimes I'm really dense you know. Eh, it's a non-issue. Senior banquet is coming up. I'm semi-excited about this. One day I'm going to take some time and just read over my archives. That's the whole point of blogging you know. Knowing where you've been so you can get some sense of where to go.

Discontent

I can't wait to move away. Hell I can't wait until I turn 18. A lot of things are going to be opened to me. And I'm gonna love it. I guess. I don't know. I just want to be left alone lately. And it's not even really that I'm struggling something. I'm just sick of faking it. I'm not happy with my life. Or any of the people in it really. I don't really like either of my employers, I'm sick of my parents wanting to control me and putting down all of my thoughts, ideas, and dreams. All my friends are fake. They use me. Every last single one. And I let it be that way because I feel like I don't deserve any better. And I guess I really don't. I don't know. I'm not sure I give a damn.

I'm a whore. Plain and simple. I can sorta see how the rest of my life is going to pan out. Go to college. Make some decent friends. Have kids. Be successful at my job. Die. It really doesn't seem that bad. And besides that's all I'm really supposed to have anyway. Some people aren't supposed to have relationships and closeness. I'm not sure why the media and society is constantly perpetuating the idea that everyone has to be paired off to be ok. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so cheap and easy to take advantage of.

Those are just the facts

Sometimes I think I shouldn't be allowed to sit by myself and think all that much. I don't know. I've just come to the realization that I'm a whore. Hell I'm a cheap whore. I exchange my self-respect for a few seconds of attention because I'm so conditioned to believe that I don't deserve attention. Which is true. I'm loud and mildly violent. I latch onto people entirely too quickly because I'm lonely. I've been lonely all my life really. I never really liked moving around all the time. I never got a chance to connect to anyone. I hated it. I hate myself.

What are you gonna do?

I'm in the mood to break something. Like glass. I'm not even angry right now. It's like I'm manic almost. I just wanna run and go break something. I'm smiling right now. Laughing to myself about how much fun it would be to destroy something. I'm bouncing in this seat like a little kid. It's great.

I'm still pretty secure in the fact that humanity is a waste of my time. Not to mention space. Space that I could use. I don't know maybe I'm just bitter and angry. Bitter at what I'm not sure though. Eh.

I'm just done. To put it simply. I have reached my bullshit threshold.

I really do want to go break something though.

Clarification

Ok so I haven't done the one thing that could make me feel like a whole person again. For some reason, the opinions of the people that use me are important to me. Important enough for me to deny myself what I need in favor of their approval.

I doesn't mean I have to talk, chill, and/or associate with these sons of bitches.

When I said I'm through, basically I'm through with you

Yes you. All of you. I'm struggling and instead of doing it under the pretense of being alone, I'm going to actually be alone. No more of this unreachable people bullshit. Fuck that. Call or im if you like, I doubt I'll answer. Comments here are appreciated, they always have been, but don't expect me to take your outreached hand and crawl out of the darkness into the light. Fuck that and fuck you.

I'm done. With all of it.

The start of the end

That's basically all that needs to be said.

My body is tearing itself apart. It's like it doesn't want to work as a unit anymore. The sheer agony has me near tears.

Sharing is supposed to be caring

I care, so why can't I share? I don't understand it. I like to talk. Love it actually. But when it comes to telling the people I care about that I'm struggling, I can't seem to really do it. At least not directly. I'm not sure why that is. I think it's that I don't want to hurt feelings. How do you step to someone and say, I feel abandoned. Don't they feel hurt? Especially if they feel like lately they've been doing great as far as supporting you goes.

When I'm in pain is when it bothers me the most to hurt others. But that doesn't help me. I feel like I'm bleeding on the inside. I hurt. Not just emotionally, but it's coming out physically. I have back pain and wretched leg cramps. It hurts to walk and it hurts to sit. So basically I can lay down and sleep. And I'm so so so awesomely tired. And my stomach is just constantly churning. I feel and I'm sure look like shit.

I'm craving it

It's like meth for me.

I want it so bad. I can feel the bite of the knife as my flesh opens up and blood spills out washing away the irritation, the agitation, the hurt feelings.

I can feel the heat of the lighter as fire burns away the disappointment and the pain.

And yet I am unharmed. I've cried a lot today (I haven't gone to sleep yet so my day is not over) but I am essentially unharmed.

Why you ask?

• Stevie
• Mommy
• Andrew

Not that the bottom two give two shits about me right now. One is wrapped up in her husband and her son, the other in some new chick that will surely fuck him over and use him and leave me to clean up the mess and put sweet pea back together again. It's all very Humpty-Dumpty. I am the king's horses AND his men.....and it's a fight to put him back together again.

It'd be really nice if someone took care of me for once.

Some Insight Perhaps?

FEFE DOBSON
"Don't Let It Go To Your Head"

So what if I came clean
And told you all you mean to me
So what if I meant every word I said
Baby don't let it go to your head
So what if I write your name
Cause you're always on my brain
In a heart, I paint it crimson red
Baby don't let it go to your head

Don't be getting any big ideas
Let me make it clear

[Chorus:]
Just cause I can't go on
Just cause I die when you're gone
Just cause I think of you in bed
Don't let it go to your head
If I looked in your eyes
One, two, too many times
And memorized every word you said
Don't let it go to your head

So what if I want to kiss
From your toes up to your lips
It don't mean that you've had me yet
You're gonna be good, I bet

I'm the one whose in control here
Let me make it clear

Just cause I can't go on
Just cause I die when you're gone
Just cause I think of you in bed
Don't let it go to your head
If I looked in your eyes
One, two, too many times
And memorized every word you said
Don't let it go to your head

Ohhhhh
Don't let it go to your head
Ohhhhh

I had a porcelain doll
I held on to it so tightly
But when it broke, I swore
I'd never hold on to something that tightly again
Don't let it go to your head
Oh, no (oh, no)

Just cause I can't go on
Just cause I die when you're gone
Just cause I think of you in bed
Don't let it go to your head
Don't let it go to your head

Just cause I can't go on
Just cause I die when you're gone
Just cause I think of you in bed
Don't let it go to your head
If I looked in your eyes (ohh)
One, two, too many times
And memorized every word you said
Don't let it go to your head (ohh)
Don't let it go to your head (ohh)
Don't let it go to your head (don't let it, don't let it)
Don't let it go to your head (ohh)

KT TUNSTALL
"Suddenly I See"

Her face is a map of the world
Is a map of the world
You can see she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
And everything around her is a silver pool of light
The people who surround her feel the benefit of it
It makes you calm
She holds you captivated in her palm

Suddenly I see
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see
Why the hell it means so much to me

I feel like walking the world
Like walking the world
You can hear she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
She fills up every corner like she's born in black and white
Makes you feel warmer when you're trying to remember
What you heard
She likes to leave you hanging on a wire

Suddenly I see

And she's taller than most
And she's looking at me
I can see her eyes looking from a page in a magazine
Oh she makes me feel like I could be a tower
A big strong tower
She got the power to be
The power to give
The power to see

Suddenly I see

I'm just......oh my god. I'm breaking down and apart. Totally falling. I'm not sure why. I guess it's just because I'm so completely and utterly alone. Unsupported really. Unloved. And just.....alone. So alone. And I hate it. Anyone that truly knows me knows I hate being alone. Hate hate hate hate it. Ugh I have class in ten minutes and I just can't fathom that at this point. Just the idea of getting up off this couch just seems so incredibly large. If I weren't so ugly and fat, it's possible that maybe my life would be a little bit better.

Things I Detest

1. Being so fat that I can't get anybody's respect.
2. Being lonely.
3. Being used.
4. Being broke 65% of the time.
5. Being implusive.
6. Being hated.
7. Being unloved.

My soul is screaming from the pain

I'm mad and I'm sick and both are my faults. I'm sick of the lack of respect or recognition. And I'm physically sick. And I hate it. I don't ever get any of his attention unless he needs something. And it's the same way with my parents. And I hate it. (Hate is a recurring theme in this post can ya tell?) It just doesn't make any sense that this is how people feel they should treat me. It's really upsetting and I hate it. It's like no matter how hard I work, my mother is still cranky and bitchy and Andrew is still exhausted and unhappy. Nothing I do ever has any real effect on anyone. It sucks. Because it makes me feel useless. Not completely useless, but unhelpful to the people that matter to me and that's a little upsetting. What's also upsetting is that I can't seem to get any care. I give it but I do NOT receive it in the slightest. Like I've been hacking up a lung for the longest and all anyone can really seem to care about is how it's going to affect them. Which is the world's biggest load of shit. The absolute biggest.

Perhaps I need a different map

I once again find myself in a place I don't really like. It's entirely all too familiar. I feel stupid and unhappy. And I am in fact stupid and unhappy. I hate like everything right now. I mean 100% hate. I'm so so so so so so so unhappy it's unbearable.

And yet I have a busy night ahead of me. Babysitting for Stella from 8:30p-2am. I'm going to Andrew's before that and helping him clean his closet. I might let him borrow the car to go to a friend's birthday party. I don't know if he wants to go yet. We shall see. Either way I'm going to be in English shit up to my neck sometime tonight. Oh well.

Highly frustrated

I hate both of my jobs and I hate my house. But I'm working on fixing all of that. But it's hard to be able to cope with the dissatisfaction I'm dealing with from everything. I'm really not happy with anything that's going on in my life right now. Except for the way my friendship with Andrew is progressing. That and that I see more connection with Stephen in the future. Which is good. I like reconnecting with people.

I said on Wednesday I didn't want to spend the night at Andrew's.....you know and I know and EVERYONE knows that was a straight lie. I swear that boy can make me smile just by breathing. He's a really amazing person. I resent all the time over the past year and a half that we spent arguing.

Peekabo!

So it's been a while since I've been on here to write something. I have been reading the blogs of others, but I've also been very busy. That and my father fucked up the internet at my house. I barely get any internet time. It sucks. But then again lots of things suck. I've been spending a lot of time at Andrew's place so that has something to do with it too. My job at Farm Fresh is sucking right now. I mean really really sucking. I have to find a new one. Let's hope that the job I'm trying to get with FedEx goes through. Cross fingers and all that shit. My head hurts a shit load right now. I mean like someone sharpened a standard sized pipe and stabbed me right above my left eye with it. It hurts so so so damn bad. Today is Valentine's Day. I personally think it's a pointless commercial holiday. I mean totally pointless. But maybe that's just because I never ever get anything and I'm horribly bitter. That probably has a good deal to do with it. I do so much for people and I get shit. Shit as in nothing what so ever. I might be moving out of my house and getting an apartment with Andrew. Well that's not all true. I will most definitely move out of my house. I MIGHT move in with Andrew. That's....interesting and complicated. I'm going to go try to remove my head now because it's bothering me. Actually I'm going to finish the rest of what I needed to do online so I can hurry up and leave Andrew's. Cause that's where I am now. If I could only cast off what offends me.....there'd be no me left. A lot of me and the people around me offend me. Eh whatever.

I haven't been spending a lot of time at home lately as I'm sure you can tell. I'm very unhappy working at Kat's but it's still better than my house and so I chill there a lot. I'm not unhappy because her kids are all that difficult. It's just that I don't get paid enough to do what I do for them. I do a lot of shit. But it's dependable money so I do it. I'm getting to resent the FUCK out of it though. I mean the fuck. Aggravated by like everything. That's what I am at this point. Anywho, my family misses me, the extra driver. Not me, the sister or the daughter. Which is some shit. But I digress. Actually I don't. My headache that I got like ten minutes ago has very quickly progressed into a migraine. Which sucks because I can not drive myself home now. Motherfuckin sonofagoddamnbitch. I wanted to go home. I actually wanted to be at my house for once. That's so rare. And instead I'm stuck here. Nice. Grr. The point of this new paragraph though was that my mother either wants me to spend more time at home and "contribute" more (whatever the fuck that means) or pay storage fees for my shit. HA!! Fuck that. Fuck that in the ass.

maybe i am violent?

why, why, why, why, why

I'm so sick of asking myself this question. So I believe I'll just stop. Because it's an exercise in fultility.

motherfucker

I have a problem

I like to shop. When I'm happy, I buy things for others. When I am sad I buy things for myself.

Be it candy, porn, or cute/sexy/racy underwear; the same craving for instant gratification is there. Last Saturday I sought out to buy an electric alarm clock. Instead I bought the above.

Obviously this can become an issue. But the question is what to do about it?

No Call

Andrew is visiting his second baby mama so he can see his son for his birthday. I am worried about him. She makes him angry and she isn't a nice person. (To him at any rate.) All I asked was that he call me before he left. And did he?


OF COURSE NOT.
Why the fuck do I bother?

Yet Another Crazy Weekend

So. Last Thursday I graduated from high school. Well finished. I graduate in June. I spent that night over at Andrew's. Got up around seven when he left for work and crawled back into bed. Talked to Gerri across the room. Got up and showered at noon and dropped Drew off at a hail and farewell at Kelly's Tavern. Went home, went and babysat at Kat's house later in the evening. Came home, went to work Saturday morning. I was working (planning) on a nice home cooked meal for Andrew and his buddies but Andrew wanted to hang out with Melissa. I was upset about that, although I don't know why because it's not like I have any hold on him. But anyway I sat for Kat that night and chilled over there Sunday. Went and got Mommy's cake and flowers. Spent time at home there. Went to Andrew's to borrow his webcam and ended up spending the night there. Cried myself to sleep because it was my momma's birthday and I know she just wanted me home. But I let time get away from me and then weather got bad. It cleared but I was SOOOO tired I couldn't possibly drive. Andrew held me while I cried. I felt so bad. And she's pissed. I have to go home and deal with that. I skipped class today and PRIDE too. I'm just so tired. Payton was cranky because he didn't take a long nap. The majority of his nap he was locked in my car.

Makes some sense

I fell in love with this song when I first heard it on Scott's Myspace page. I couldn't catch all of the words at first but over time I caught quite a few. It always brought a certain person to mind even when I had no clue what the hell the words were. I looked up the words and the reason it gets me in the mood and brings someone to mind makes sense.


Tool
Jambi Lyrics
Here from the king's mountain view;
Here from the wild dream come true -
Feast like a sultan, I do,
on treasures and flesh, never few.

But I, I would wish it all away
if I thought I'd lose you
just one day

The devil and his had me down,
in love with the dark side, I found.

Dabblin' all the way down.
Up to my neck;
Soon to drown

But you,
changed that all for me,
lifted me up, turned me 'round.
So I
I
I
I
I would
I would
I would
Wish this all away

Prayed like a martyr dusk til dawn
Begged like a hooker all night long
Tempted the devil with my song
And got what I wanted all along

But I
and I would
If I could,
mm, I would
Wish it away
Wish it away
Wish it all away
Wanna wish it all away
No pressure could hold, sway,
or justify my
kneeling away
my sinnin'..

So if I could I'd wish it all away,
if I thought tomorrow
would take you away.
You're my peace of mind, my home, my center.
I'm just trying to hold on
one more day

Damn my eyes
Damn my eyes

Damn my eyes, if they should
compromise our fulcrum;
Want and need - if I need it
I might as well be gone

Shine on forever
Shine on benevolent sun

Shine down upon the broken
Shine until the two become one

Shine on forever
Shine on benevolent son

Shine down upon the severed
Shine until the two become one

Divided I'm withering away
Divided I'm withering away

Shine down upon the many
Light our way
Benevolent son

pray
Breathe in union
Breathe in union
Breathe in union
Breathe in union
So, as one, survive
another day and season.

Silently just say your grace.
Silently, just stay out of my way!

Let me break it down for you

If you've been reading lately, you might think I'm a little loose. That's not the case. Allow me to elaborate on some things for you.

There's just something about Andrew. Unless I'm in a deeply committed relationship, I will always be up for sex with him. He gives me the best sex I've ever had. Ever. Let's face that. He's got these sexy moss green eyes that get like jade green when he gets turned on. Strong solid arms and FANTASTIC hands. Seriously they're a national treasure. And that ass. Firm, full. Fits perfectly in the palms of my hands. A little bit of hair for texture. It just screams "Nibble on me mama you KNOW you wanna take a bite."

Where was I going with this? Ah yes. I wasn't in an exclusive relationship with Josh and so I have no reason to feel guilt. And I don't. I think my conscious was trying to tell me THAT wasn't going to work. Josh smokes a pack and a half a day. I thought that would be fine as long as he didn't smoke around me. Not the case as my swollen lymph nodes, sore throat, and post nasal drip are telling. And he's not willing to cut back. I didn't ask him to quit. Just consider cutting back. No. Straight off the bat. And he has issues with my religion. And it's just.....eh. I really like Josh but not at the expense of my health. So that's basically where I am.

I know several of you are going: ANDREW IS NOT YOUR FRIEND!!!!! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE INSULTED YOU AND MADE YOU CRY???!!! I THOUGHT YOU WERE NEVER SPEAKING TO HIM AGAIN!!
To that I say: I am a contradiction. Always. He's my boy. I'm never going to completely turn my back on him and walk away. Just long enough to keep from killing him when he acts like a jackass.

A Run-Down of My Weekend

Friday

• Came home after getting my paycheck. I did that right after school.
  
• Took Dad to Office Max and 7-11.
  
• Time is now 7pm. I head out to Oceana figuring I'd check on Andrew while waiting to see Josh since Josh hadn't called me yet.
• 7:20pm-Get to Andrew's. He's happy to see me, I'm happy to see him, we have missed each other greatly.
  
• 7:55pm??-Me and Andrew get busy.
  
• 9:30pm-I call Josh and leave one last message and say screw it and him. Andrew asked me to sleep over and I agree.

Saturday

• Much fun ensues as Tim comes over and there is much drinking and laughing and DDR.
  
• 1:20am-We have kicked Tim out and are having sex again.
• 2:20am-We've taken a shower, I have borrowed clothes from various people and now I am sleeping. Andrew joins me sometime in the night.
  
• 7:00am-The alarm goes off and we ignore it.
• 8:36am- I see the clock and scramble to get going to Saturday school which starts at nine. In Chesapeake.
• 9:15am-Get to Saturday School in Tim's pants and Drew's shirt and lie about having car trouble so I can get into Saturday school.
  
• 12:00pm-Get out of Saturday school, run to go get gas, drop off Dad's parking pass at the Tricare clinic, and head to the house to change into my work pants.
  
• 1:15pm-Get to Girl Scouts in Norfolk, get Taylor signed up with my troop
  
• 3:00pm-Leave there and go to work.
• 7:00pm-Get off work and go home
• 9:00pm-Head to Kat's to babysit and spend the night.

Sunday

• I basically stayed at Kat's until about 4pm. Then Dion came over and took me to the mall so I could show him his tux for my prom.
  

I was busy this weekend.

I have a million things I could be doing but I have to get this out

Last Saturday I got a reply to a Craigslist ad from a guy named Josh. We've been talking everyday since then. We hung out on Monday and had great sex. I actually felt comfortable enough to laugh about it. Of course now I'm plagued with the worry that all he sees me as is committment free sex. I want a relationship somewhere down the road. A boyfriend. A man. To be someone's number one and their only. Josh picked up on the vibes that I was uncomfortable with what we'd done and he suggested that we not have sex for the next two months. After I got over crying about how happy I was he saw me in his life in the next two months, I was glad about it. I'm still a little uneasy though. Been burned before, not again.

I'm not sure why I had sex with him so soon. S&M would be able to shed some light on this. I mean how long did they know each other before she moved in with him? It's just.....I feel like I've known him for months. And he makes me smile. I've had so little to smile about the past couple of days. My father hasn't had any insulin or even tested his blood sugar since January 3rd. I'm scared to death of coming home and finding that he's dead. On Monday, my brother's birthday, he drove my dad somewhere. Apparently he misunderstood my dad and so my dad punched him in the mouth. My brother almost hit my dad. Since then he's locked himself in his den. I feel so bad. If I hadn't been lazy and I'd dressed when I first woke up that day, I'd have been available to drive Dad. I was in the shower when they left. Once again, I'm not helping avoid these situations. It just makes me feel like shit.

Back to guys. Andrew's single again. And he's hurting. The part of me that was his friend wants so bad to reach out and help him. The part of me that loved him in that way is very much preoccupied with Josh. The part of me that craves fairness is screaming at me to take the chance that I was never really given with him. Josh is amazing. He has this sweet Southern drawl that just makes me melt. He's a really sweet person. But there are some deal breakers with him. He's a heavy smoker. With Andrew and Devin it was ok because they smoked occassionally. And they made sure it'd been a while since they last smoked before they were around me. I'm VERY allergic. It's not life-threatening, but it could be with prolonged exposure. Plus, his family is very religious and religion is a deal breaker. I'm a pagan. I know. Ouch.

I
Am
Confused.

I'm not Equal Oppourtunity anything

If you're a guy and you're black; you might as well not even bother talking to me. That's just how I am. I'm not sure why. Black guys are attractive to me but they aren't attractive. That's just how life is.

If you're a guy, you will get more chances with me than the average girl. Heck you could be Mother Teresa and you'd get less chances than the dude walking down the street. That's just how I am. Sue me.

Stephen I wasn't talking about you. I was talking about Andrew. Because he's going to couple's therapy and anger management and I can't help thinking he'd be better off without her. She's a bad influence. He's gotten progressively flaky and angry since he met her. And it's dreadful. I hate it. HATE HATE HATE IT.

The Potomac Mills thing is no big deal really. I'm not that much of a bitch and there's no real reason to think that. Get over yourself eh?

It's the end of the week....thank God

Chaos Mute Math lyrics

Artist: Mute Math Album: Mute Math Year: 2006 Title: Chaos

Complication Is My Claim To Fame
I Can’t Believe There’s Another, Constantly Just Another
Can’t Avoid What I Can’t Control
I’m Losing Ground, Still I Can’t Stand Down
I Know, Yea I Know…

I Know You Stay True When My World Is False
Everything Around’s Breaking Down To Chaos
I Always See You When My Sight Is Lost,
Everything Around’s Breaking Down To Chaos

It’s Hard To Trust Anyone Again
After All The Let Downs I’ve Been Through,
Haunted By What I’ve Been Through.
Air’s Still Trapped, While I Still Can’t Breathe,
And I’m Screaming Out, Give Me Help Somehow.
I Know, Yea I Know…

I Know You Stay True When My World Is False
Everything Around’s Breaking Down To Chaos
I Always See You When My Sight Is Lost,
Everything Around’s Breaking Down To Chaos

…Chaos
I Know You Stay True

I love the musical quality of this song. The words... they're deep. But the music of the song. The guitar is ethereal. It's got a driving beat.

It's the end of the week and I'm glad because I'm tired. Of people and stuff. I don't have all that much to say really. Although I did realize something. Someone wanted to hang out with me and I just didn't feel like it. I'm not lonely because there's no one around but because no one I want it around.

My ego and my heart and my soul are just bruised. They're torn the fuck up. There were a lot of people in my life that should have never been in it. And they're gone now. And it's good. But I miss some of these people. Which makes moving on hard. I think deleting my Myspace helped. A lot. Everyone doesn't need to know everything. I've always been a big fan of complete disclosure. (When I skip school to go to lunch, I tell my mom about it.) But not everyone has that level of maturity. If the past one and a half years has taught me anything, it's that people are different. And some folks just have to be let go.

It's a big deal

Hi.
I'm a former Myspace addict. I have fixed this problem by deleting my Myspace. I have one for the nanny agency I'm trying to start up and I kept it but I deleted the personal one. That took a lot for me to do. I ask only one thing of my readers. Don't minimalize anything that I write here. It might not seem big to you, but there's a lot of little things that are really hard for me. I'm not sure why I have such difficulty with some small things, but I'm facing it and for that I'm glad.

My ASL class is really opening some doors for me. It's vastly different from Signed English which is what most hearing people use. It includes little words like "it, and, but, is" that aren't in American Sign Language. Completely different grammatical structure. But the thing is, it's basically like any other language class where immersion is a big part of it. So for about one hour and twenty minutes, I don't vocalize. My vocal cords remain at rest. It really lets my mind open up. I started preparing in the car so I'd be used to the silence once I got there. I never realized how much I strove to not be left alone with my thoughts. It's like I have to have the tv or radio or people around me. I was always looking for someone to be around. Maybe deleting the myspace will help me get more used to myself. I'm not surprised I don't like myself, I've never really been with myself. This class is going to beneficial in more ways than one.

I'm such a broken record

I have class and I'm getting ready to go. And I'm sad and I don't want to. But we have daily quizzes.

And I always thought we'd be together in the end

First off I'd just like to say that speaking up is hard. I'm really trying to do it. And it's scary. You don't want to offend people but you're tired of being walked on. Of holding it in. So you speak up. And speak out. And live life. It's great for me really. But it's not easy. Don't act like it is.



I'm getting ready to graduate soon. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. I'm still holding a little bit of the sad over from the last post. When I envisioned my senior year I envisioned things a lot different. I wasn't single, I'd found a group of people to fit into and hang out with. I hung out all the time with my best buds Alyssa and Holly. Life was great. Life didn't end up that way. I barely talk to Holly or Alyssa anymore. I can't really stand it when I do. We've all changed so much. They don't have time for me. I'm a last resort friend. And to be honest, I really don't like the people they are now. I've never been one to hang out with people that stab others in the back and used them cause I hate that. And that's sort of who they are now. I know people and shit changes more than anyone, I'm a Navy brat. But still, I didn't really see this coming. It makes me sad for those happy middle school girls we all were once. They're both in some pain and I can't say I feel bad for them. Well I do but I don't. I'm sorry they're in pain, but they've earned it. The Universe gives what it gets. some of the shit they've done to their parents and Anna and Jessie is just...messed up. Maybe I'm naive for expecting the world to be fair. I just think of what should have/could have/would have been and it saddens me. I thought I'd be graduating with my girls. We're graduating this year, but we're not really girls anymore. I miss that.


I miss Stephen. And I miss Andrew. I love those guys. I want them at my graduation. I wouldn't be alive to graduate without those two. But we don't talk at all anymore and I know a large part of that is my fault. I'm really difficult. But damn. You're not supposed to give on people the way yall gave up on me. I know I got trying. And I know you had stuff going on with yourselves. But when you got that straight, I still needed help. Steve, I'm not as smart as you. Andrew, I don't really have the inner strength you do. Yall knew that coming in. I guess you just figured you weren't doing any good so why bother. You both did so much good. I'm not gonna lie and say I don't think yall didn't ever fuck up. Females get in the way of things sometimes. That's all I'm going to say. Actually it's not. Melissa can be a brat but she's relatively decent. She really needs to let go of that drive she has to pitch a fit when she can't get her way. If someone needs their space, they're not going to NOT need it just cause you stomp your foot. And Andrew, you have to learn to stop trying to tell females what to do. It never works and you just end up pissed off. Skip the anger and the headache. Stephen, Caroline manipulated you and that hurt you. I know that. I could tell while it was happening how it chipped away at your self-esteem and your hope. You got out of that and I'm proud. But this new chick.....I'm just worried you're loosening up too fast. You're not like a lot of people our age. You have morals. I don't want you to lose your identity in someone else again. Because you weren't happy. I see you getting more and more apathetic and not caring about things you used....some of those things you used to care about are still important. Just because you got to the point where you associated some good things with a bad person doesn't mean the things are bad. I ask the Universe to help you see the difference. Despite everything that's happened and everything that's been said, I still love yall. I always will. In slightly different ways but love is love. I miss you two.


I'm done now. That took a lot out of me. My phone never rings. People with my number should call.

So I'm lying here crying...

The past can be a hurtful thing. Not mean hurtful but sad. The past can be so so sad.

I had a blog on Blogger before, but due to certain people getting involved in things I hid it and just stopped writing there. I wrote a companion blog to it with backstory on some of the important folks in my life. My writing before my dad's stroke and after is so completely different. I hate to think that I'm the kind of person that lets every little life change turn her for the worse. Anyway I went and read the companion blog and it's just sad how there are some great people who are no longer in my life now. And some of those people have hurt me so bad. And some of those others, well I've just fucked up those relationships beyond compare. I hate that.

I'm dumb

I just finished reading a blog about my friends that I wrote before Daddy had the stroke/heart attack. I'm so different. And I go back and read things I wrote before the Jason thing and I'm different yet again. Life keeps happening and it keeps changing me for the worse and I hate it. However I don't have time to wallow in bed, I have to go to work depressed.

By the way, I might be a bad person, but I'm a firm believer in getting out of the universe what you put in. You can only fuck your friends over so many times before you catch it in the teeth.

So I make a bad human? I'm still human.

I have these days when I realize things. And it's always like a streak of lightning. Scary to say the least. Well not scary. More like frustrating. I can't be smart about life all the time....why? It's like I learn a lesson and live it for a few days and then poof it's gone. But no matter what, I'm holding onto my resolution for 2007:



SPEAK UP!!!!!!!!!!!!

When someone hurts my feelings, I shall be quite loud about it. Extremely loud about it. I'm calling people on their crap. Most def. Some folks are going to see me being a lot more verbal. A lot more verbal. And not in the way I used to be. But in a slightly more intelligent way. I am not a doormat.

Moving on, I'm never going to like my dad. I love my father. With all of my heart. He's a funny, intelligent guy. But he's mean and nasty as well. And that's just a simple fact of life. I know one thing though, he needs to chill with the rudeness. I'm not obligated to take him to play the lottery. Especially since it's a waste of a social security check. He really plans to spend the whole money he gets from the gov't on booze, smokes, and the lotto. Whatever makes him happy and keeps his wife working like a dog I guess.

I have work in the morning, so I'll make this short. I'm crude sometimes, but I don't think that makes me a bad person. It's makes me colorful at times. And at times it just makes me a crazy, black female. Which is what I was born as. So it shouldn't be a problem for you. And if it is......screw yaself and quit bothering me.

I want....

1. a boy who will love me and only me. Who will be satisfied with me just the way I am but rejoice when I get better and be firm and supportive when I backslide. Who's good and unselfish in bed. Who won't tell me how hot he finds other girls because he respects my feelings.
   
2. a father who doesn't yell at me for making the simplest mistakes. Who loves me as I am not as I should be. Who isn't afraid to say I love you.
3. a better looking, better running car.
   
4. a nicer brother.
5. a mother who has more in common with me. Who doesn't think that talking to me is a waste of time.
   
6. better grades.
7. more money.
8. more friends.
   
9. a different high school.
10. things to be the way they used to be about 5 years ago.
    

Damn I want a lot. No wonder I'm always disappointed.

So I'm slow to learn

I get that. I totally get that. I just wish it weren't so. I'd like to be on the other side of the bridge, where I'm wiser and smarter and I'm not hit over the head so many times with life lessons. I try to be at peace with my life and the way it is I really do. But it's hard. Not my life but liking it. And myself. I still don't like myself. But unlike those people on tv and the movies who are loved in spite of the fact that they're fucked up, I live in the real world and I'm not loved. I really want 2007 to be different. I want to like myself enough, or be able to fake it enough that someone will care deeply about me. And I'm losing this weight. I mean it.

My daddy

A big part of life is doing things you don't really want to. Sometimes you actually HAVE to compromise your beliefs for the greater good. Or at least the good of someone else. Sometimes you have to step outside yourself.

My dad doesn't really do what he's supposed to in terms of his health. He still smokes as much as he used to, if not more. He drinks quite a bit and he hasn't be eating like he should. Which is doubly bad because of his diabetes. I think he's figured if he's destined to die he might as well be happy. I don't blame him for it. I wished he wanted to stick around a little bit more than it seems he does, but I don't resent him for wanting to live his life the way he chooses to. I think the best thing I can do as his daughter is afford him the respect he deserves as my dad. What does being disappointed or disapproving of his choices do for me or him but make me miserable? I'd rather not tarnish the time left with him. We have fun in our own way together. When I drive him places sometimes he tells me where we're going sometimes he'll just point. I won't know where we're going until I get there. It's...interesting. We laugh at various things we see. (We see a lot of funny stuff when we go out.) Yesterday we went to Office Depot, the ATM, and 7-11. Got some computer software and then we got some beer, some soda, some cigarettes and a lotto ticket. It took about 30 minutes. We saw stuff that made us laugh and then we went home. It was simple and peaceful. And years and years down the road, outings like that are what I want to remember about my dad. Not the screaming and the yelling.

I love my dad. Like it or not, I love him. I don't much like him, but I love him. And if all he wants is respect, then dispite his outrageous behavior, I'm going to try to give it to him.

Crime Mob Ho!!

Well we all know that I'm THE anti-black person. I defy every stereotype of black folks. But I swear Crime Mob is some good shit. And Walk It Out is catchy as fuck.

I'm a freak

It's something that I've been slowly accepting for the past couple of years. I don't mean it sexually although that is true.

I'm a weirdo. A freak. I'm odd as hell baby. And I'm beginning to love it. I have all these little nitpicky things about my personality that make me really really special. And that's got to count for something in this world. Even if it doesn't I'm still a good person. I'm worth something. A lot of something as a matter of fact.

I'm SOOOO sick of being single. Really tired. But it's ok. Cause someone really really awesome is just getting themselves all ready for me. And when I finally met this mystery guy, the fireworks are gonna blow and everything is going to be great. It won't be perfect because life just isn't that way, but it'll be awesome because it'll be as close to perfect as I can get.

The Blogging Bug has bit me something fierce

For some reason I feel like blogging more lately. I guess it's stemming from a need to blog for myself and not so I can touch other people with my words. Not that reaching other people is bad, but I just.....I'm writing for myself. That's all I can say to describe it. I'm really tired of being lonely. I hope one day to find someone to love me. I have so much love in my heart to give. So much. You'd be surprised I think. Really surprised. I'm watching Holiday Heart. It's such a heartwarming movie. I feel a little inspired now. Like maybe I can lift my head up.

Christmas Goodies

I bought myself a camera and a case for it. I also bought myself a headset for my phone. I might get myself some shoes after I get paid. I can't wait to start nannying. I'm gonna be so paid it's gonna be fantabulously sick. Woohoo!!!!!

Christmas Time...A Time for Thinking

Christmas wasn't all that big at my house. I have done a lot of thinking though and I think I'm better for it. No, I know. Sometimes you can't let go until you're ready.


Apparently, no one got my memo. I most definitely asked for a hot guy for Christmas. Someone I could fuck into oblivion. Yall didn't pull through. What the fuck gives bitches? Seriously, what?

Sometimes I get sick of the despair

I want to write something but I'm not quite sure how to articulate what I'd like to say.

I'm tired of feeling like crying. I just want to be happy. I'm not sure what happy is, I just know I want it. Badly.

*giggle*

I must say I feel the slightest bit liberated. There's only so much using you can do before I'm all burned up. But I didn't get burned up. I got smart and I've washed my hands. Fuck your girlfriend or fuck yourself, cause I'm through fucking with you.

No more drama
No more tears
No more wasted gas
And anything I have of yours is now mine.

Thank the Universe my doctor's idea was wrong and I'm not pregnant with your child. Not that you'd ever have any rights to said child if I were. Because I'd deny THAT until the day that I died.

You were a great person and it's a shame you turned out like you did. I most certainly do blame Melissa for it. She stole you from Kelly and she stole your friendship from me. And now you can keep it. Because it's lost its value.

Gone forever are
The 5 hour phone conversations, the mind blowing sex, and the big warm hugs.
The full body massages and the pampering.

When you chose to date that jealous childish evil bitch and continued to do so after she used her insecurities to push away any female friend you had, you gave our friendship away. But maybe she had a point because I don't think you could be faithful if you tried.

She will leave you one day because she has to have everything she wants until no one else wants it. The best I can tell you is to find someone to pine for you so she can notice. But not me cause that is most certainly no longer my thing.

I won't be angry over the actions of the past couple of months because they wouldn't have happened if I hadn't enabled you. But I will mourn the sweet man you once were. If he comes out again, call me.

I'm laughing and I'm so glad. Because it feels good to laugh like this again.

So Busy I could be a Bee

It's the end of the quarter, I have an EKG Monday, I was at the hospital all day yesterday, there's PRIDE stuff and friend stuff and I am swamped.

Payback...it's a bitch

My brother got his permit yesterday.

My mother thought I was difficult. She'd whine and complain about me driving. I told her Matt would be ten times worse and she'd be sorry about bitchin'.

And now the time has come. HaHa!!!!

So now is a time for reckoning

I'm single.

I have been for a while. A very long while. Since about August 2005. Any time spent with HIM doesn't really count. Devin was interesting. He was a weird dude. Still sorta is. But he was a good boyfriend. He cared about me deeply. I was worth something to him. He wasn't ashamed of me.

I've been avoiding anyone or anything that closely resembles a real relationship so I can stay available to HIM. He's not available to me though. I have no claims on his heart, his time, or anything.

It's time to stop floating in the wind. Availability is important.

A Mr. Magoo moment

I was supposed to call someone about doing something this weekend. I'm not sure what. I really honestly can't remember. It was something I wanted to do though. I hope whoever it wasn't doesn't hate me for not calling. Oh well. I can't remember. No use bitchin' about it.

Racing Heart, Aching Head

So things have sorta been blech since Saturday. I told you I was feeling crappy but I didn't tell you why.

Basically to cut it short, Dad told us to rake the leaves and we weren't doing it the way he wanted us to. So he screamed obscenities at us out of the window for about three hours.

Interesting I know.

Tonight his blood sugar was unusually high (186) compared to what he ate (nothing since lunch).

He's more disorientated and I just... I'm afraid. Worried. If something goes wrong while I'm here and I screw up, I'd never forgive myself. My heart is racing and my head hurts and so does my stomach. I'm in pain. A great deal of pain.

I Just Can't......

I feel like I'm spinning out of control of my life. I feel like I'm breaking apart. I know nothing.

I've Been Overcome

Quite suddenly.

A wall of rage and self-loathing just hit me out of nowhere. I've been feeling crappy since Saturday afternoon.

I'm not ok. I never am. Never have been.

I want to just sleep and sleep until it's 5 years later and my life is better. I'm tired of struggling.

FUCK

THE FRAY
How To Save A Life

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

BONNIE TYLER
Total Eclipse Of The Heart

(Turn around)
Every now and then
I get a little bit lonely
And you're never coming round

(Turn around)
Every now and then
I get a little bit tired
Of listening to the sound of my tears

(Turn around)
Every now and then
I get a little bit nervous
That the best of all the years have gone by

(Turn around)
Every now and then I get a little bit terrified
And then I see the look in your eyes
(Turn Around, bright eyes)
Every now and then I fall apart
(Turn Around, bright eyes)
Every now and then
I fall apart

(Turn around)
Every now and then
I get a little bit restless
And I dream of something wild
(Turn around)
Every now and then
I get a little bit helpless
And I'm lying like a child in your arms
(Turn around)
Every now and then
I get a little bit angry
And I know I've got to get out and cry
(Turn around)
Every now and then
I get a little bit terrified
But then I see the look in your eyes
(Turn Around, bright eyes)
Every now and then
I fall apart
Turn around, bright eyes
Every now and then
I fall apart

And I need you now tonight
And I need you more than ever
And if you only hold me tight
We'll be holding on forever
And we'll only be making it right
'Cause we'll never be wrong
Together we can take it to the end of the line
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time
(All of the time)
I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark
We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks
I really need you tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight
(Forever's gonna start tonight)

Once upon a time
I was falling in love
But now I'm only falling apart
There's nothing I can do
A total eclipse of the heart

Once upon a time there was light in my life
But now there's only love in the dark
Nothing I can say
A total eclipse of the heart

[Instrumental Interlude]

(Turn Around, bright eyes)
(Turn Around, bright eyes)

(Turn around)
Every now and then
I know you'll never be the boy
You always wanted to be
(Turn around)
But every now and then
I know you'll always be the only boy
Who wanted me the way that I am
(Turn around)
Every now and then
I know there's no one in the universe
As magical and wondrous as you
(Turn around)
Every now and then
I know there's nothing any better
There's nothing that I just wouldn't do
(Turn Around, bright eyes)
Every now and then I fall apart
(Turn Around, bright eyes)
Every now and then I fall apart

And I need you now tonight
And I need you more than ever
And if you only hold me tight
We'll be holding on forever
And we'll only be making it right
'Cause we'll never be wrong
Together we can take it to the end of the line
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time
(All of the time)
I don't know what to do
I'm always in the dark
Living in a powder keg and giving off sparks
I really need you tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight
(Forever's gonna start tonight)

Once upon a time I was
I was falling in love
But now I'm only falling apart
There's nothing I can do
A total eclipse of the heart

Once upon a time there was light in my life
But now there's only love in the dark
Nothing I can say
A total eclipse of the heart

A total eclipse of the heart
A total eclipse of the heart
(Turn Around, bright eyes)
(Turn Around, bright eyes)
(Turn around)

It's rare....

That I ever know what's good for me and actually go out and do it. I'm not sure why I'm so damned stubborn. Maybe it's because I feel like I'm fighting against the world sometimes. I dunno.

Don't You Ever....

Go back over old blog entries and read them. It's majorly, horrifically depressing.

I want a boy

He would do the following things:

• Call me late at night because his day sucked and he knows his girl will listen to him complain.
• Not mind if I call him late at night because I'm awake and lonely.
  
• Fall asleep on the phone with me.
• Let me borrow one of his hoodies indefinitely.
  
• Hold my hand while one of us is driving.
• Kiss me on the forehead and tell me I rock.
• Call me baby.
• Give me deep tissue back massages when my back seizes up.
• Take naps with me.
• Let me lay on his chest and listen to his heartbeat when I get upset.
• Go shopping with me.
  
• Dance with me.
• Sip Starbucks and watch movies with me.
• Read.
• Sit with me while we both do something by ourselves. (He: reads. Me: knit. Or something like that.)

In return I would do the following:

• Kiss him at least four times a day.
• Tell him what a great guy he is.
• Play video games with him.
  
• Hold him when he's in a grumpy mood.
• Lay his head in my lap and rub his temples when he has a headache.
• Let him drive my car sometimes.
• Give him rub downs whereever and whenever he hurts.
• Let him be when he needs his space.
• Not call him nicknames in front of his boys if he doesn't like it.
• Get along with his boys.
• Never make him choose between his mama and me.
• Never make him choose between his boys and me.
• Always smell good and look pretty.
• Take care of myself so he doesn't have to worry about me too often.
  
• Let him be the man and take charge of things. Sometimes.
  

I'm a decent girl. If I care about a guy, I'm there for him in whatever way he wants and needs me. I'm RIGHT THERE. Bam. There's Joy. I'm a ride or die kinda girl. I want my boy. Someone find him and put a bow on him. Since I don't think we're getting a tree this year, just tuck him beside me in my bed.

I'd be dangerous right now....

if I had access to a weapon. Matricide and patricide.....I wonder if there is a word to combine the two?

I'm lazy what else is there to say?

Some real shit has gone down over the past couple of days. And while I'm tempted to get into all of it and discuss it, I did all of that in my head. And maybe full disclosure isn't really the best course of action all of the time. Basically though, it's be forcefully brought to my attention that I really need to learn how to stand alone. I'm really just cutting out the crap. Doing a little bit more for me. Cause I really am my best resource.
I hate driving sometimes. I mean really really hate it. It makes me homicidal. And I don't really need any help with that. We all know that.
I'm starting to resent my family more and more as my senior year goes by. I'm really developing a hate. My senior year is just...shitty. I'm not having any memories to go to college with. We're not doing anything really for Thanksgiving. It's just....Momma wouldn't get it. So I'm just gonna shut up about it.

GRRRR, Shit, Fuck, and let us not forget Damn

So Blogger still hasn't fixed the fuck up and I'm mad about it. I changed the address here, because it occured to me that HIS girlfriend, with her myspace stalking ways could very well have the address. While I doubt she could identify who HE is, I don't like risks. So I changed it. I can't leave a post at my old address or even put this blog back there cause apparently it's still in use. If you go there, you'll see all the posts I had before I switched to Blogger beta. So yeah. It's still fucked up and I'm a little angry about that.

I was supposed to go bowling last night with HIM and his friend and instead I spent the night here and we had sex a couple times. I love having sex with HIM. I feel good about the fact that fucking a fat slob like myself doesn't completely make him throw up. What kills me is the fact that he withdraws afterwards. HE says that we have sex because it makes me happy and he likes making me happy. I love that, but I hate knowing that I made him angry at himself. I like when he holds me and when he can't or won't, it's a little upsetting. It makes me feel so used when he puts himself like on the other side of the room. But then again I should be used to this with HIM by now. That's always been our M.O. Gah. I'm over everything at this point.

I've been having minor anxiety attacks all week. Needless to say, it's put a lot of stress on my system. I could throw up right now and it wouldn't surprise me. A lot of things don't surprise me anymore and I think that's fucked up. I'm so damn old to be so young. Every now and again I scan my label list to see what seems to be in the forefront of my life at that point. Depression is ALWAYS at the top of that list. How gay is that? Incredibly gay.

I was going to write more but a) this is a really long post, b) no one else read this because I have charged the url, and c) A wave of blah just hit me and I no longer feel like making words into sentences.

I Can't Stand It

Ok, there's a few things I really can't stand and I'm going to get them off my chest. Here goes.

HE has a girlfriend and I feel like she is using Myspace to stalk me. There's only so much you can make private on Myspace. I'm tired of having to cloak everything I type and not being able to be upfront with friends and give honest comments because she might run across it.

I feel I spend a good deal of time waiting for Holly to stab me in the back. I just get this feeling there's something between HIM and Holly going on that I'm missing. He's been online a lot lately. And they always seem to end up talking a lot, about me. And I'll find out about it way later. It never seems to come out how they talk though. I know I seem stupid to be jealous of them communicating when I'm screwing HIM behind HIS girlfriend's back. But back at the beginning, (which seems a helluva lot farther away than it is), when he was completely single and I was actively trying to date him and even when I was sorta dating him, she'd flirt with him horribly. They spent a day together without me because I had responsibilities I choose to uphold and they took pictures of the two of them being close in the backseat of HIS car. It was an outside event so I'm guessing they went in there to sit. That day was pivotal. She told me later that they kissed that day. That hurt so bad. We'd (HIM and I) had made plans to hang out later that day since I couldn't hang out with HIM earlier at the Pagan festival. He didn't answer his phone all that day. HE called later that night and said he felt I was too close and HE was sorry and ectera ectera. It hurt so bad. Especially more when Holly finally fessed up and it became clear that HE didn't truly need space, HE was just more interested in my friend. Why couldn't HE just say that? Why? I don't understand. I'm nothing more than casual sex and an ATM. But more to my point, she stabbed in the back with that one. And she's done it before. She's very quick to take the side of others against me. To put me down. She's quite mean to be truthful. Why we're still friends I don't know. Maybe I just don't feel I deserve better. I know that she's hurt me deeply so many times that I feel like I'm just resting until she does it again. That's pathetic. And it's not how I want to live my life. At all. In addition to the last paragraph, something that's going on with her has also brought this situation to mind. This particular thing came up in class in regards to someone else. Confidentiality came up and I realized if our positions were switched, there's a good chance she'd sell me down the river. She's forever trying to one-up me. And I'm not sure why I take it.

I'm also so sick of school it's not funny. And it's not learning. It's Indian River. I'm ready for bigger and better. Everyone is so childish around me. The inappropiate laughter and the rudeness. The intolerance. It's nerve-racking. Not to mention annoying.


I guess what's got all of this on my mind is the quickly approaching end to my high school career. After all we have semester long classes and I only have classes the first semester. So at the end of January, I'm finished. I'm growing up. I've been sleeping in my mom's bed for the past week cause my sheets need changing and I hate to do it, but I can't do that forever. We were chilling on her bed watching tv and I thought to myself, "The number of times I can sit here and do this are numbered. And they're running out." I'm tired of being unhappy with my life. I'm almost 18 and I'm still unhappy. What is that about? I'm over it.

I'm ready for change. I want to go away and learn something that matters to me. I want friends that are 100% true. I'm growing up and I just can't stand it.

Lie

Sometimes all you can do is lie. No one wants to hear the truth and it's just too hurtful to cry alone.

Cry

When you cry, keep it on the inside. When you let it out and no one cares, you only hurt worse.

Blogger is...

having a PMS-y moment. Hopefully I'll be able to fix it.

Dana?

Is a good friend of mine. Who seems to be interested in me. I'm not sure I want to fuck up that relationship for one of a different kind that might not work.

HIM

Ah HIM.

The infamous HIM.

Oh babe how I love you. Yes you love another. You said we'd try us again if things didn't work with the woman you felt obligated to try happiness with. They didn't and you fell into love with another. But it's ok. I still love you. I think no matter what I'm always going to love you. Honestly I don't think you truly love her. But ok. That's not for me to decide or determine.

Your pretty moss green eyes.
Your long brown-black eyelashes that have the curl most women glue on.
Your smile, crooked teeth and all. It looks mischevious, a reminder of the little boy you never really got a chance to be.
Your strong arms that are always warm no matter how cold it is outside.
The way you wrestle with me and pick on me and know when I've had enough for real.

I should stop thinking about you. Friends don't think this much about other friends that are dating someone. And I have English to do. She (my new English teacher) really isn't giving me enough time to do this fucking thing. Gah.

Uh oh

I have a feeling someone is mad at me. And I hate that cause this is one of my favorite people. So I have to humble myself and fix it.

For one night, I was 17

So I shall get straight to my point. Last night I hung out with HIM. We had a blast. We went to Blockbustre and dropped off movies, then Taco Bell, then Sonic, and then Wal-Mart. It was a lot of fun. Everyone and their mother asked me to so stuff, like babysit, but I just gave them the brush-off and went and hung out with HIM. Because I needed to. Lately I've been putting off things I want to do for things I have to do. I haven't been having all that much fun. And I just feel old and used up. And I hate it.

But anyway, we had lots of fun. Hollered in the drive-thru at Taco Bell at the lady in the window. Hollered in the parking lot of Blockbuster at each other. It was just lot of fun. We laughed and played in Wal-Mart. I was just normal for a moment. Yes there was the instance of me hyperventilating in my sleep cause my heart started beating in an uneven rhythm and that freaks me out if I can't control it. But he helped me cause he rubbed my back and it was nice. I just really enjoy HIM. HIS company. HIS laugh, HIS smile, HIS voice. There's just something about him that amazes me. Not sure what.

SOMTL, I like talking on the phone. And 50 million of the people I know don't like talking on the phone so that's no hint.

Unnecessary Wants

At times, like right now, I feel like maybe my wants aren't that big of a deal. Because if I could truly use everything I wanted emotionally and personally, then maybe I'd actually get some of it. I think maybe I don't get anything and I always feel so unfulfilled because I think I need more than I do.

I want to cut but I can't
I want to eat but I can't
My soul is weary
And I can't breath

I'm so scared, and I'm so alone. And it's heartbreaking.

You're so demanding

I try.

Really really hard. Quit asking me for more than I'm capable of. Just stop already. You're killing me.

In a box

Oftentimes I feel like the world is trying to box me in with a variety of things. Negative words, mean words.....I guess you could say words in general.

I'm just tired. My mother's a bitch. Sorry to say. Just because your asshole of a husband is sick doesn't mean you get to be bitchy to me. In fact you should be nicer to make it a little easier to ignore his bitch ass. Because I can't stand him really sometimes.

I'm just full of anger right now at a bunch of small shit. And the problem with that is that people keep shoving me into these fucking itty bitty boxes and so the anger is smothering me. I'm tired of hyperventilating until I pass out because I'm trying to hold my rage in so I don't break anything. That gets old. Quickly. Very quickly.

I'm still fat. Still unlovable. Still displeased.

I do believe it's time for some retail therapy, no?

I hung out with Alyssa and Joanie tonight and it was fun. The only fun of the day really. Thank God I quit Sonic. If I hadn't I would have quit now.

This much is true

I can be a bit of a bitch. It's just a fact of my character. I wish it wasn't so but it is so I get used to it.

Last night I didn't babysit. Instead I went to my friend's shower and she asked me to be the godmother. Which I'm excited about. She's due today so I'm not going to be waiting very long to see my godson. Trevor got hung up watching his niece, so we didn't hang out, but maybe something will work itself out this weekend. It's anyone's guess really.

I know...

that I am unlovable. I wish it weren't so but sometimes there are things you just can't help.

Lately I feel as if my life is a Lifetime movie and I don't like that.

The mystery person and I feel like shit

Wow....that's something I really can't stand. People that are into smoke and mirror shit. It'd be nice to talk to you face to face. To thank you for your kind words and so on and so forth. But eh.

My heart's been beating unusually fast lately. Like I'll just be sitting and I'll feel it speed up. It scares me and my breathing changes. I went and babysat tonight and when I came home I just laid on my mom's bed and tried not to hyperventilate. Things got kinda dark, like someone dimmed the lights. And next thing I know I'm waking up. It's weird. I don't feel right. My head's been killing me all day and my neck was so sore and achy this morning I couldn't move it. I had to go to the nurse and just lie down with an ice pack on my neck cause it hurt so bad. Needless to say I called out of working at Sonic. I just can't run back and forth like that with my neck like this. I feel nauseated and just rotten. Maybe I'm dehydrated. I don't know. What I do know is that all the feel good feelings from my week off are gone. I'm tired and I feel like shit now. Again.

Oh mystery person, it's anatomy not biology. If you know me so well, get your facts together.

I am Intrigued

Shine on me the light....you intrigue me. I have a few questions.

1...and I feel this one is most important....who are you? Do I know you strictly online or do I know you offline as well?

2. Did you leave that anonymous comment?

I must know more...I'm curious. Oh so curious. Speaking of things that make me curious, we dissected sheep hearts in Anatomy today. Much much fun. It looked like roast beef to be honest. It's a good thing I don't like roast beef.

I'm in the mood to be held while I sleep.

Reconstruction

So I've gotten microbraids, taken to painting my nails, and wearing makeup to school.

I'm trying to take better care of myself. It's working, up to a point. My sessions with Dr. Just, (the shrink I saw to get back in school) have made me feel that perhaps if I want to feel better, I should work on the outside. After all, it's hard to feel good about yourself when you can't stand the way you look.

I'm not so certain I should be so focused on the physical stuff but it's something I actually have control over. So I work on it. Maybe once the packaging is prettier, I'll feel good enough about the inside to give a hoot.

I have plans to hang out with HIM on Monday. I'm excited about it. I only have school two days a week next week and Monday is one of my days off. So I'm going to hopefully hang out with Alyssa, Holly, or some other friends I haven't really chilled with lately and then him. I'd like to possibly use one of those days to maybe have lunch with Trevor, the boy mentioned in the last post. If I didn't mention him I meant to. I got in contact with him via a Craigslist ad. And he's nice. Super nice. Cute. Easy to talk to. A month out of a year long relationship. Needless to say, I'm a little hesitant to get into a relationship with him. I want a relationship and I think there's a lot of possibilities with him. We have great conversation. I've just stalled on meeting him because I don't want to get into something with him just to have him step out on it. And I'm still emotionally attached to HIM. It's not just any individual thing. It's the whole package.

I quit my job at Sonic last night. Turned in my two weeks notice. The pay just isn't worth the aggravation and the stress. I can work less hours and make more money somewhere else. So that's what I plan to do.

My Resolve

Where oh where did it go? I used to be able to not eat if I didn't want to. I used to have some self-control. Some willpower. Now, I think about not eating but then I quickly cave. I don't want to be the girl that people keep around only to use when they need her anymore. I want people to be able to acknowledge me. I don't want to be the girl that's ok to fuck and tell your dreams to, but not good enough to date because she's too ugly and your friends just wouldn't understand. Not anymore at least. But I'm never going to get to that point if I can't lose some of this weight. Back to diet pills I guess. The Retiva isn't cutting it. All it does is give me energy to get up and go to the gym; it doesn't supress my appetite so I don't eat so much food I have to spend a full week in the gym just to work it off. I won't be fat for prom. I just won't. I can't.

I visited a friend Monday night. HE made me laugh. HE fell asleep as we were watching Thumb Wars (my geeks can leave comments as to what that is or leave links that can explain). I woke him to let him know I was leaving and HE gave me a hug that picked me up and dropped me on top of the world. It was warm and firm and it was great.

Details

I wrote this like Saturday. Or maybe Friday. Either way, here it go.




So the past week has been a bit of a roller coaster. My English teacher and I didn't quite see eye to eye and she used my papers as an excuse to have me permanently removed from her class. I tried to fight it but she prevailed since the two papers I wrote were about self-mutilation and BDSM. I didn't write them to show off or cause a fuss but to prove a point. Everything has a humane normal aspect to it. No matter how off the wall and twisted it may seem, everyone is basically the same. It was important to me to write papers that showed that because I feel so unloved and unaccepted. I feel taboo. I was hoping to open a few minds and draw a paralell between these taboo parts of our culture and myself. A part of me is normal. I'm not some horrible person. This was all Monday and Tuesday.

Tuesday I worked from 5pm to 10pm. I'd been dealing with the school stuff all day and I just couldn't face going home and listening to my mother harp on it again and again. So I drove around. I went to the bookstore first and left there about 10:40pm. I drove down Volvo past my house, hit Kempsville and then hit Centerville. Took that down to Mt. Pleasant Rd. and then took that to 464. Went through the tunnel, down Effingham to Geo. Washington Hwy and kinda winded around there on and off Victory Blvd. I got a little tired so I figured I'd go home. I took the Jordan bridge and was on 464 headed home. I took the Military Hwy. exit and went away from my house instead. Went over the Gilmerton bridge and straight down Military Hwy past Geo. Washington Hwy. Ended up going through Western Branch near Joliff. (It's about a stone's throw from where 64 branches off and goes to either Suffolk or Richmond.) I went on 664 a bit. I guess I'm trying to illustrate that I went all over creation.

I decided to turn around and go home. I kept drifting off though. I wasn't drifting on the road too bad but I was drifting off(falling asleep). I'm not sure why I didn't stop. Anyway, I woke up and I was headed straight on for a tree in the median. I guess my foot got heavy while I was sleeping because I remember the speedometer reading 40 mph. So I turn the wheel hard. I'm too close to the tree to avoid it completely so I catch it with the side of my car. I spin around and around and end up about 100 yards (I guess) down the median on the other side of the tree. I called Scott earlier cause I was kinda lost (it was raining earlier and I couldn't find any landmarks) and Portsmouth is his stomping grounds. So I called him again because he was all like if you need something let me know. When I hit this tree, I hadn't eaten or drank anything since Monday afternoon. And I hit the tree at 1:26 am Wednesday morning. (Please don't ask me why I noticed the time.) So I could sense that I was okay but I wasn't really in the car. I was quite out of it. So I called him because it just seemed like the right thing to do. He asked all the appropiate questions (is the car stuck, are you ok, did you hit your head). He then told me to go home NOW, and so after I drove back towards the tree and picked up my hubcap (I bent the hubcap of the driverside front wheel) I did what he said and went home. Called my mama and woke her up to tell her. She told me to come home and hung up. No questions from her. I went home, went to sleep and then to school. I went to school where they informed me that I was going to be doing independent study for my English class from now on. So basically they stuck me in a room by myself for and hour and a half where all I had to think about is how I could have died and how everyone was so indifferent to that. And how I wasn't so sure I was glad that I woke up when I did. Ten seconds later...

I started to cry and get very upset. My math teacher had me go to the office and I just couldn't stop. I'm guessing because of my history, they put me out until I could get a note from a doctor saying I wasn't a threat to myself or others. My mom took me to the ER and I just froze on the inside. Honestly, my mama's being a RN is what kept me from being admitted. That scared me so bad. I'm so afraid of losing my free will, my voice. A part of me died Wednesday.

I called Andrew because I really needed to talk to someone who'd have a snowball's chance in hell of understanding. But once again, the fact that I have no true friends was made startlingly clear.

I'm scared. Scared to think, or speak for fear that it'll be twisted and I'll be put away. No one really gets it and I can't really explain it anymore. I'm so lonely and just in so much pain. And so I cut myself to feel better. And when I can't cut, I starve myself. I'm fully aware that no matter how much I cut or starve myself, I'm never going to be pretty enough or just plain enough to have any true friends that care about me. I know that. But I still hope. If I could talk to my "friends" when I was lonely or sad or feeling hopeless it might be different. But I can't. They can talk to me though. I guess I just don't deserve support.

I haven't been to school since they sent me home Wednesday. I got a note from the ER doctor referring me to a shrink, but the school wants me to see the shrink before I can go back. They set me up with an office that works in pyschiatrist/pyschologist teams. I'm going to be medicated. I'll lose my personality because I'll be coked outta my head. That makes me so sad but at the same time I just can't care about it anymore. I see them tomorrow. I'll probably be forced to go to the counseling person for a while.

That was my week.

______

.....I could say a lot of things, but I'm not sure any of them would be the right thing to say at this point in time. I'm not sure anything is right anymore. I have no control over my own life. It's not my own. I am helpless. The world is so big and there are so many people in it. And not a single one has time for me. I'm trying my hardest to make that ok and I can't do it. Man was not meant to live alone, trapped in their own thoughts. I have to go to work today. And I just want to drive off and never come back. And yet I won't because I have responsibilities to people. And I try to keep my word and my promises. It's times like these that make me wish I could meet people like myself. Yes I hate myself but at least I have some integrity. That's a lost thing nowadays....integrity. Or maybe I'm just a lost person. Maybe this place isn't where I'm meant to be. Maybe that's why I drift among everyone else insulated in myself.
maybe.

You always know

That you suck.

but you try to hide it from yourself because you just aren't sure that you do. You want to believe that you don't.

I'm tired.

Of being overtalkative. Loud. Undependable.

I just don't like being me anymore. It makes me sad. Horribly sad.

Updates

Ok, so I'm trying to get in a few college visits. As far as NYU goes, I need to see if I can contact some friends on mine in DC and see if I can't stay with them and just take the train up. But my school is making some trips to VA colleges so I'll be able to see if I want another backup.

Scott's not moving to New York. I'm not entirely sure how he feels about this since he's not really talking to me. Could be he's doing his withdrawal thing that he does from time to time. Or it could some girl he's met. He seemed excited/apprehensive about it. Like I said, I have no clue how he's feeling or thinking because we don't talk all that much. He is vouching for me with Farm Fresh which I'm grateful for. This whole withdrawal thingy smells entirely too much like the Jason situation. Which I'm not down for AT ALL. I WILL NOT go through that with another friend. Just won't. Not that I want to be all up in his face or whatever. It's just that something seems to be bothering him and I've neither been told no there isn't or yes there is but it's done of your damn business. I don't like being unsure when dealing with people. It ultimately ends up with everyone mad at you cause you fucked up.

Someone is stealing from Sonic. Right now it looks like it's me. I don't steal, but until Glen can get ahold of corporate and confirm that, I'm stuck. Hence the job search. I'm not too sad over it. I hated Sonic. With a passion that burned like me for HIM. Yes, HE found a way to creep into this post. Deal with it. And wish me luck on the new job hunt.

100 thoughts about college

I think it's quite fitting that my 100th post (yes it is the 100th) is about college. Especially since I honestly do have about 100 thoughts in my head racing around about college. I've made a few decisions and finally started applying. (I know, I know. I finally got off my lazy ass. Trust and believe my momma is dancing harder than all yall.) I know I want to work with kids, but I'm not sure exactly how I want to work with them. So I'm applying to a few colleges in big cities and majoring in either Sociology or Child Development/Psychology and then working with children in the area until I'm sure what I wanna do. Then I'd just get into a graduate program for that. The list of lucky schools is as follows.

• New York University
• University of California San Diego campus
• University of Minnesota Twin Cities campus
• Old Dominion University

ODU is my fallback. I might apply to JMU or another VA college. We'll see after the college visit. I'm deathly afraid of not finishing these applications on time. Whoever wrote these damn things is a sick, twisted bastard. But it's ok. It's all ok. I'm excited and yet nervous at the same time. But at least I'm no longer apathetic about it. I'm still a bit depressed but I'm trying to ignore it since my friends aren't all that helpful. I'm just going to push through it.

CATS!!!....and other shit

No this isn't about the Broadway musical. That sorta gives me the creeps. No, I'm talking about the ones we skinned in Anatomy. It was so much fun. That's morbid and gruesome. But it was still fun.

I'm so in over my head. I'm not sure how I figured I'd help Becca out while I don't really have a handle on myself but somehow I managed it. I really hope she keeps going in the right direction with that. Privacy is dead. So is chivalry and goodwill. And me hopefully one day soon. God, Buddha, Yahweh, and the Fates willing.

I can't help myself. I wish I could but I can't. HE used to help me, but we don't talk anymore and I'm so lost. I need my best friend back.

You Can't Finish Last Place if You Never Finish At All

Last night's post was a tad unfinished but I guess I dozed off or what have you. I'm quite lazy an dhave a tendency not to follow through on a lot of things. The loneliness consumes my piece of mind. Just eats it right up. I hate to cry and yet I do it with alarming frequency.

Yesterday I saw Holly's mom in the parking lot of Home Depot as I was going in there to buy a new knife(I lost mine.) We had a nice chat while she blocked the parking aisle about responsibility and how some of us have it and some of us just don't. I'm sure responsible people don't cut themselves or even dream of it as I do, but then again it didn't come up so let's not go borrowing trouble.

I really really do miss HIS friendship. I miss feeling safe and liked. I miss being held.

I Hate Everything

No amount of self-mutilation is going to make me feel pretty enough to be accepted by anybody. No matter how often I tell myself this it doesn't seem to make it easier to live with myself. I hate who I am. Completely. I have no friends. I'm too fat, too ugly, and I basically have no talent that makes people want to be my friend. There's nothing cool about me. There's nothing that can tempt people to me long enough to get them to like me.

I miss my friendship with HIM. I used to have someone I could call when I was feeling bad. And now I'm just alone. Forever alone. I miss having friends. But people move on and have better lives without me cause I'm not the nicest person alive. In fact I'm horrible.

Oops!!

I forgot two things.
First, the song I posted in the blog titled .... is a song by the band Everclear.
Second, or more like first actually, I've started another blog just for my essays.

Here's the link: http//writingsonthewallessays.blogspot.com

It would mean something to me if you all could read and give me some feedback.

Ha ha

Sometimes I amuse myself.

I've discovered a new band for me to like. Creature Feature. Yum yum dead goodness.

Within the next week, hopefully, I shall be incorporating some of Answers.com's nifty blog tools. They will help you guys have some semblance of a clue.

......

"Hey, ain't life wonderful? Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful... Isn't it wonderful now?"

I close my eyes when I get too sad
I think thoughts that I know are bad
Close my eyes and I count to ten
Hope it's over when I open them

I want the things that I had before
Like a Star Wars poster on my bedroom door
I wish I could count to ten
Make everything be wonderful again

Hope my mom and I hope my dad
Will figure out why they get so mad
Hear them scream, I hear them fight
They say bad words that make me wanna cry

Close my eyes when I go to bed
And I dream of angels who make me smile
I feel better when I hear them say
Everything will be wonderful someday

Promises mean everything when you're little
And the world's so big
I just don't understand how
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes
Tell me everything is wonderful now

Please don't tell me everything is wonderful now

I go to school and I run and play
I tell the kids that it's all okay
I laugh aloud so my friends won't know
When the bell rings I just don't wanna go home

Go to my room and I close my eyes
I make believe that I have a new life
I don't believe you when you say
Everything will be wonderful someday

Promises mean everything when you're little
And the world is so big
I just don't understand how
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes
When you tell me everything is wonderful now

No
No, I don't wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now
No
No, I don't wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now

I don't wanna hear you say
That I will understand someday
No, no, no, no
I don't wanna hear you say
You both have grown in a different way
No, no, no, no
I don't wanna meet your friends
And I don't wanna start over again
I just want my life to be the same
Just like it used to be
Some days I hate everything
I hate everything
Everyone and everything
Please don't tell me everything is wonderful now...

I don't wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now

Maybe...

I'm not as sick of the status quo as I like to think that I am. After all, if I were, I'd like to think I would have changed it by now. So, I guess I'm quite complacent and I just don't know it.

I have been reassured of something recently so that's good I guess. It's good to be aware of stuff. Also it makes it easier to share things with you guys. You three lone people. I haven't met anyone through this particular blog. I do tons of things that should result in stables of new friends and I still end up lonely. Cause apparently I'm a bitch. But if being honest makes me a bitch then I'm not changing for anyone. Cause I enjoy being a bitch. So yeah. Suck it.

There's this cute guy. His name is Brandon. I wasn't upfront with him and so he's not speaking to me. And I'm saddened by this because he was cute and funny and really easy to talk to. I haven't known him very long at all, but based on our few conversations, I really want to get to know him better. And I fucked that up. Much like I fuck up everything else.

I've made an important college decision. I'm going to get an apartment and go straight to work. To allow myself and my mother to save up more money so she can get some bills paid up. We were in no way shape or form prepared for a rainy day such as this. A couple of thousand dollars worth of bills got slammed on my mother from hidden credit cards my father got. So I'm just going to wait.