My Blogaversary

It's tomorrow. I almost missed it. That would have sucked to be sure. I'm glad I was riffling through archives and checking dates.

Celebrate with comments?

No more damnit. No more

I'm so tired. This isn't fair. Nothing is ever fair in life really I know that but damnit I'm tired. Why the hell am I not good enough? I try and I try and I continue to try. And it gets me nowhere. I'm so sick of being hurt. I'm sick of caring about people and being cast aside for others that hurt them repeatedly. Sick of it. No matter how many times I try I'm never good enough. And it's gotten old. Really really old. I didn't ask to be this fat person that's so incredibly hard to understand. And I've been trying really hard to work against that. I've gotten nowhere. Being nowhere sucks. I'm sorry. All I can ever seem to say is I'm sorry. And that's it. No one ever seems to put out any effort for me. Not that I blame people. Believe me I don't. I just wish life were a little different. I wish that I was smarter and cuter. I wish life wasn't so hard for me all of the time. I'm incredibly uncomfortable where I'm at right now but it's better than home. Which is sad in and of itself. My whole life is just sad. I'm sad.

Andrew I love you. It sucks I know. I'm sorry I don't treat you like shit like all the other women you give two shits about but I can't do that. I care too goddamn much. If you took anything I said Friday night seriously then you don't know me at all and after 2 years that's not acceptable. If you think I'm stupid and the only reason we've been friends all this while is so you could "help" me and "take care" of me then it's best if we just part ways. I will say this though. There's nothing to be over with because there was nothing there in the first place. And you know what, you're right. I am stupid. I was foolish to ever think you could stop looking backwards long enough to see all the good that was in front of your face waiting for you. Kristin is never coming back to you. And you can't go back and fix the mistakes you've made. They're done and over with. All you can do is look forward to the future and the people that are trying to care about you and for you in the here and now. For the past year and a half I've been trying to overlook the way you just.....didn't seem to care at all really about me. I've always had to beg you to sit up and notice that I'm sad or I'm angry or I'm hurting. And even then it just seemed so inconvient to you that I felt like shit for bothering you. I remember way back when.....the 4 hour phone calls, the intimacy. The way you actually cared. I didn't do anything to you to make you stop. It's a shame you let life change you so much that you shoved away anyone who loved you. I'm not sure what I did, but I do know that I'm sick of paying for it. Melissa and Kelly and everyone else can be forgiven and you can check in on them and give a shit about them but you can't do the same for me. I've been paying for whatever the hell I did for the past year and a half. I can't pay for it anymore. I'm sorry I failed you. I'm not sorry I tried though. Caring about you made me happy. When I'd do something for you and your face would light up I'd be on top of the world. I'm going to miss trying to make you happy. It made me happy.

At the end of the day all I can do is fuck up

I'm not sure what to say. It's hard to know exactly what to say. I try really hard to make sure that I'm lovable. And I never quite get there. I always fall just short. It hurts my heart when I think about it. I've tried so many times and I keep failing.

Drew hates me now. Which is understandable. I hate myself the majority of the time. It just hurts my heart to have him of all people want nothing to do with me. Damn it hurts.

Hills and Valleys

Right now I'm on the hill and it's magnificent. I know the valley's coming but it'll be ok.


Actually it won't. But you can't enjoy the happy times if you focus on the bad times you know are coming.

Ain't that some shit

[Chorus]
Every time I try to leave
Somethin keeps pullin me back, me back
Telling me I need u in my life
Every time I try to go
Somethin keeps tellin me that, me that
Everything gon be alright
Every time I try to leave
Something keeps pullin me back, me back
Telling me I need u in my life
It was meant to be
You were meant for me
So that means we gotta make it work


I spent all last night missing him. Someday we need to talk about how much I love him.

I'm Ready; He's Not

Baby you're not the only one
Oh ooh, ooh yeah, hey yeah

I see the things he does to you
All the pain that he puts you through
And I see what's really going on
Staying out at night while you're by the phone

Take it from me, it's a lesson to be learned
Even the good guys get burned
Take it from me, see I would give you love
The kind of love that you've only dreamed of

Chorus:
Baby you're not the only one
You don't have to be afraid to fall in love
And I know that you've hurt in the past
But if you want it here's my heart
No strings attached

He doesn't give you the kind of attention
That a girl like you needs (that a girl like you needs)
'Cause he always looks around, his eyes wander round
He doesn't see you like I see, yeah

Take it from me, it's a lesson to be learned
Even the good guys get burned
Take it from me, baby I would give you love
The kind of love that you've only dreamed of

Chorus

Take it from me, it's a lesson to be learned
Even the good guys get burned
Take it from me, see I would give you love
The kind of love that you've only dreamed of
So if you want to take a chance with me

If you take a chance with me
I'll be everything you need, everything you need
Because it's our destiny, oh

Chorus x 2

I'm ready, and willing to give him guardianship of my heart.
But he's not ready to take it.

Stay tuned....

If all you faithful non-commenting sons of bitches stay tuned....there will be pictures of prom. Some of you will FINALLY see something besides my eye.

The irony....

is that they don't see me as competition. I love him deeper, harder, more selflessly than either of them ever have and yet I'm seen as a helpmate in the fight against each other. I don't get that but I do know I don't like it. I have the potential to be a fox. I just have to get there.

Things that stress me out

I made a list at work to try and get an idea of what I can change and what I can work on. Here it is. The list is in no particular order. Just how they came to my head.

• Andrew visiting Kelly for a week out of the blue
• prom expenses
• having fun @ prom
• money in general (bills, tuition, gifts)
• keeping my job
• losing weight
• Dad's health
• graduation
• Dad's temper
• my health
• strokes
• Andrew going camping w/ Melissa
• buying a new car
• moving out
• Stephen moving out for the summer
• Becca cutting
• taking summer classes
• passing summer classes
• Dad's spending habits
• Andrew's injuries
• the car I drive now
• health/car insurance
• getting to know Nick
• Devin's wedding in August
• my 18th B-day

It's kinda long.

Some clarity and some concerns part deux

Ok so to sum up where I am now, I'll be concise. I'm terrified it's going to happen again and I'll have to go back to the hospital or stay overly long. I'm nervous of what that means. Missed work means less money around when someone needs my help. The look on Andrew's face while I tried to get ahold of my mom was just....it broke my heart. It still hurts me to think about it. Because I haven't learned to speak up for myself, he had to be worried about me and whether or not he had anything to do with it. And I hate that. I want to just really talk to him about it and tell him how that whole thing made me feel, but I just want to be happy around him and for him. He's going on a trip soon that may or may not be easy for him. Either way I just want to do my best to contribute to his well being. And my daddy looked so sad and worried when I came home. I know he doesn't completely understand and that hurt me. My mom was exhausted and she works so hard as it is. In order for me to help everyone be where they want/need to be, I have to be working and learning in school and healthy so they don't have to worry. I can't guarentee I can make that happen and it makes my heart sick.

Some clarity and some concerns

Not just for whatever few readers I have, but for myself I need to really just lay some things out.

I went to the hospital late Saturday night/early Sunday morning. I had a severe migraine and a prolonged anxiety attack. I got dizzy, I'm pretty sure I blacked out for a few seconds. I remember my speech being a little slurred and just not being able to say what I wanted. I knew it but I couldn't get it out. It was scary and painful. I had dropped Andrew off at home and was unable to drive myself home. He didn't know I was ill and so he'd been drinking. It got to the point where I needed to go to the ER and Andrew couldn't drive me. It took about 3 hours to reach my mom. I didn't want to call an ambulance because I didn't want Tricare deciding I could have figured out a way there and charging me for it. I've learned from previous experience with Dad that it can be expensive. She came and got me and I went and they put drugs in me and sent me home. I missed work on Sunday.

It was so scary. Based on what happened to me I honestly think I had a small stroke. That's just going on what I know based on experience with my family and first aid training. When I pair that with some basic googling I did, I'm scared.

I'm crying too much to finish this now. Later.

TIE-Yurd

Woah man am I beat. IVs suck ass. I mean fat ass. I went shopping with Drew for prom stuff and ended up horribly sick. I had to go to the hospital. He felt bad about the fact that he couldn't drive me because he'd started drinking earlier when he thought I left after dropping him off. That's really my fault though because I should have told him I was feeling so bad. Mom had to come get me because I couldn't drive.

There's a couple of people I have to talk to. Get my life back in order and all that jazz. Prom is stressful.

It's a slippery slope back to your beginnings

When you fail, it's painful. When you fail a little at a time, it hurts so much worse. I think it's because it takes that much longer. And it builds like a snowball. At first it's just a little bit. You think damn I fucked up but no biggie I'm still on the right track. And then it's a little more and a little more and a little more. And next thing you know, you're up to your neck in shit. And it's ripe and it's hot and it's just nasty as all motherfuckin' get out. And you're like goddamn it here is not, repeat NOT where I want to be. And yet this is where you are. All of a sudden, you're back where you started.

when we shatter we form pretty patterns on the sidewalk

Well......just well. Since the last time I wrote I have talked much with many people. Actually I haven't really. I stil haven't completely tackled the way I let Stever down and I might not for a while. But it's out there and I feel a little less fake. And that's a good thing. Being or feeling fake is neither fun nor easy.

I like my job. It fits me. It's about the only thing that actually does. But hey it's still something. I just have to be on time. Being on time is going to be the bane of my existence. Truly it is. But I shall do it. It's going to take work.

As usual Andrew is Andrew. And things with Andrew are things with Andrew. I don't like them but I don't hate them either. They just are. It's the way my life has always been. Things just are. I can't have any control over anything because everyone else has to have it.

There are more and more instances popping up where I wish I was a little less stupid. A little smarter. Better. I just want to be better. Less of a slut. Less of an idiot. Less of a bad daughter. You know, despite my many many complaints, I love my parents. I'd just like to be right once in a while. I'd like to do/say the right thing. I'd like just for once to be looked at as right. Maybe I never will. That's depressing when you think about it. Which is why I don't. At least I try not to. But every now and again it pops up.

wishes

I wish I were strong enough to approach everyone I've ever disappointed and say I'm sorry. I'm so incredibly sorry. I mean it. Can't you tell I mean it?

I know I've always fallen short. And I know I've lied. And I know I've been selfish. But damn it I'm sorry. I really am.

RMS

How do you say you can't help someone anymore because you're afraid of putting yourself in harm's way again?

Addictions are terrible things. I'm partially free of mine. I'm so proud of that. And I worked so hard for it. I don't think it's possible to be completely free from an addiction. There's always the possibility that a trigger will rear its ugly head. There's always the possibility of relapse. Always. You reach a point I like to call the functioning point and then you're through. It's the point where you've not only gotten to where you can function without your crutch physically but you're ok with that mentally.

I guess my wonder, my question, my fear is that I'm not as close to that point as I thought if I feel unsure of my ability to cope with RMS and her complete lack of will to quit. We share the same addiction. It's like she's glad that she has a problem. Which in a twisted way makes sense because everyone in her family has some kind of concrete problem that is all official and well-known and there's medication available and.....I wonder if amongst the eating disorder and the bipolar disease, the alcoholism, the ADD (complete with INSANE anger) and the Superman complex that's resulted in an inability to cope with mistakes if she just felt lost and decided she needed to stand out. I'm not saying that's why she started, I'm saying I think that's why she doesn't want to stop. Because despite verbiage to the contrary it's like she's unwilling to stop. She doesn't even really try. Believe I know it's hard. Self-injury is a bitch to fight with. But....you have to at least try to fight. When she has a couple of good days, she's not happy about the good days but seeking a trigger and excuse to wreck the good streak. Yes she saying she wants to quit but not truly trying has been going on a very long time. Maybe it's the length of time I've been exposed and not the behaviors I'm exposed to that make me feel like I can't handle it anymore without risking my recovery.

It's valid. But I still feel like a selfish bitch.

I can't afford to sacrifice my recovery. I've got too much at risk. My job, my schooling (especially in light of the VT massacre), people. I think. I'm not all together sure of where I stand with some people. But I can't risk it. And as a responsible person don't I owe it to myself to remove myself from these possible triggers? I feel like I'm backsliding. When I hit a rough patch (there have been quite a few lately) it's the first thing that pops to mind. It's like I'm taking steps backwards.

It's valid. But I still feel like a selfish bitch.

It hurts my feelings to think I'm not as far as I originally thought. I know any progress is good and I should be glad with what I have. But still.

How do you tell the friend that's been so good to you that you can't help like you said you would. How do I tell him it's gotten bigger than I can manage when I told him I'd handle it?

I'm angry and that's ok

That's basically all I really wanna say right now. I'm not just angry, I'm PISSED. Beyond belief. But it's gonna be okay. It has to be. To be not ok permanently is to be dead. And I ain't dead yet. I might want to be at times, but I ain't. And there's gotta be a reason for that. So I'm going to work a little harder to accept that.

Those alcoholics had something going with that one step at a time thing.

By the way in case anyone didn't know I live in the Hampton Roads area which is like 5 hours from VA Tech. It's a shame no one saw that that child needed some serious help. But the truth of the matter is that hundreds of people are suffering mental anguish and no one has a damn clue. I'm not sad about it per se. Humans do really terrible things to each other, believe me I've got firsthand knowledge of this. I'm just glad the fifty million people I know at Tech are alive. I can't say I'm surprised by it. I can't say that at all. Maybe that's what we should be hung up on so these people haven't died in vain. Yes I'm thinking about this national tragedy in terms of how it effects me. And yes I'm basically dismissing it since it doesn't adversely affect me in a major way. That's just where I am in life at this very moment. Take it or leave it. Better yet just leave it.

It's ok

Life is hard sometimes. The answers that you crave will not always be in front of your face saying pick me pick me I'm the answer you seek. Sometimes all you can do is just wait. Yes you can hope but you're basically just waiting. Life is about waiting. And it's about NOT always getting what you want. It's about failure.

It's been a long day

And despite the fact that it's 7:30pm I'm pretty sure it's about to get longer. Oh well. Some shit can't be helped.


I can't get myself to go away. Reach down your hand in your pocket pull out some hope for me it's been a long day.

So I have to get myself a motorcycle now

A new guy that I've been talking to lately owns a motorcycle. Even though it was a little colder than preferable, Dustin agreed to give me a ride on it. It was THE coolest thing ever. I mean it. Ever. Completely. I wanted a bike before and now I NEED one. I mean it I need a bike.

What I need is to finish this English assignment.

Blogging is frustrating me

I could be getting more readers, but I'm not sure how. All I know is that the readers I have don't comment.

The mouring bell tolls for this situation

If you have half a brain in your head, then you're well aware that lately I've been mulling over the idea of moving in with Andrew and Erica. It'd just be Erica and I in the home while Andrew's out to sea at the end of this year. I've been really mulling it over, referring with people very close to me and getting their opinions. But I've just really been doing some soul searching. Some deep thinking.

I'm not going to be moving in with Andrew.

A lot of different things led to this decision. But the main thing is the main reason that prompted me to want to do it. Erica. If 1/10 of what Andrew hints at is even remotely accurate (he's very mysterious with details), then that child has been through SO much already. I'd hate for her and I to get attached and then Andrew fall in love with some new chick or fall back in love with Kelly (I honestly think the possibility is there) and then BAM!, I'm out on my ass. I'd hate for her to have to lose another person. I mean she's eight and it seems as if she's been through hell already. That's not fair to her.

It's also not fair to me and the things that make it unfair to her are part of that. Andrew and I aren't dating. Point blank period. No matter how much I want that, no matter how many times I sleep with him, that's the fact of the matter. I have no reason, no right to any place in any home of his. If he falls in love with some girl (it's almost a guarentee; being in a relationship makes him happy and he's all about actively trying to be happy right now) then just because of the person that he is, he's going to want to be with her all the time. He's going to want to move her in. I know him and I know that could be a possibility. My folks are very big on their house not having a revolving door. If I'm going to decide that I can handle a rent payment and bills then that's it. I've made that choice. They want me to understand that it can't be made lightly. While I feel ready to shoulder that responsibility; if Andrew tosses me out to move some girl in, then I'm out on the street because going back home isn't an option for me. I can't risk being homeless because of his libido.

I love that boy. No stratch that. I'm IN love with that boy. I want him to succeed in life and be happy. I want his children to be happy. And I want to be happy. To have a happy life for once. I need to get away from my parents, but getting away from my parents with Andrew isn't an option. Well it is but it's not the right one. Not to mention he's been very wishy-washy about a time frame. If I had chosen to do this, it would affect my whole life. My schooling, my job. If I were to plan my life for this and then he pulls the rug out from under me, then I've got things I might not want that I'm stuck with.

I'd be giving too much, he wouldn't be giving enough, my future would be at the risk of Andrew's libido, and Erica could get hurt in a really bad way.

While the first two bother me in a serious way, the last two are what make me say this is something I shouldn't, can't do.




The first two make me think that maybe Andrew and I are unhealthy for each other.

While I do hate you, you're a part of me

I discovered today that while my father is a selfish, childish man; he can be easily manipulated as children often are. I acted like the adult with him and so he acted like the child. It was secretely rewarding for me. He didn't yell while I drove him around today he just kinda nodded off in the corner. That was good for me. That and the sun. It boosts my mood.

The title refers to the fact that my father and I have similarities no matter how much I hate it. Not only do I get my anger and my dysfunctionality from him, but we both have the same zest for shopping. I bought a pair of gorgeous pumps today. They're divine. Simply divine.

I'm beginning to hate you

Really. I'm not kidding. You're pissing me off. Stop yelling at me. I haven't done SHIT to you, motherfucking. I'm not scared of you anymore I'm just annoyed. You're a sorry fucking excuse for a man. All you do is spend all of your money while your wife struggles to pay the bills you ran up. Stop yelling at me for no fucking reason. Stop thinking the worst of me. Just leave me alone damn it.

It don't mean a damn thing cause I'm focused

I'm missing my friend.

This time apart has allowed me to really examine our friendship and I'm getting the feeling that my black ass is gonna get burned if I let things continue as they have been. No matter how much I care about others, I've gotta cover myself.

I've got goals. Plans. I need to learn to stay true to myself.

The River Runneth

I'm a talker. I like to talk. Especially when something big is going on. I think I'm looking for the right reaction. The right bit of advice. I just.......when something is weighting heavily on my mind, I like to get outside opinions. I also talk a lot when I'm superbly excited. I don't know. Well I do know. I'm just not sure what to do about it.

I'm a little lonely, a little broke, and a lotta bored.

Some people are still horridly self-absorbed. It's really annoying, but entertaining enough.

I'm still talking to people that I haven't spoken to in a while. I'm using time wisely. I might get a co-worker I know. Sweet!

The problem with the gays in VA

The pool is too small. That's basically what it is. Boyfriends and hookups and best friends get recycled. And then feelings get hurt.

OMG what if it's 6 months instead of 4 weeks??

I'll go insane.

Johnny Cash
I Walk the Line

I keep a close watch on this heart of mine
I keep my eyes wide open all the time
I keep the ends out for the tie that binds
Because you're mine, I walk the line

I find it very, very easy to be true
I find myself alone when each day is through
Yes, I'll admit that I'm a fool for you
Because you're mine, I walk the line

As sure as night is dark and day is light
I keep you on my mind both day and night
And happiness I've known proves that it's right
Because you're mine, I walk the line

You've got a way to keep me on your side
You give me cause for love that I can't hide
For you I know I'd even try to turn the tide
Because you're mine, I walk the line

I keep a close watch on this heart of mine
I keep my eyes wide open all the time
I keep the ends out for the tie that binds
Because you're mine, I walk the line

Oh the possibilities

I hung out with Stephen yesterday. It was a lot of fun. It also raised some questions in my mind. More than I had when I went over there.

We talked a bit about the Andrew situation. If you don't already know, a while back him and I had talked about being roommates. Then both of us sort of backed off of it because he figured it'd be a while before he was able to move out of the barracks and that I should try to move out of my parents' house before that. Well he brought it up again recently but in a slightly different form. He may be getting custody of Erica soon and he of course needs a roommate. But not just for financial reasons. Like I'm sure I've also mentioned, he's going out on a 6 month cruise at the end of September. Guess who he wants taking care of Erica while he's gone? Yep, this little lady right here. Stephen says that he's trying to marry me. If you look at it, we're going to be doing the married person thing without having the actual committment. Which Steve says appeals to the two of us because neither of us are ready for it.

What if he's right? What if Andrew has feelings for me that are close to what I have for him and he just can't come out and say it? The concept that things with him could be as I want them to is mind-boggling. I mean it's just.....wow. Steve's theory adds more to the already bubbling cauldron of thoughts that's brewing in my head. I'm so worried about adding more pain to this little girl's life. She's already been through so so much. And I don't want to break her heart again. And I don't want my heart broken because instead of just losing the love of my life to another woman, I'm losing a daughter too. I'm just really worried about the situation. And I miss Andrew. We have to do some MAJOR talking when he gets back. Major. *le sigh*

What's your thoughts folks?

The Peanut Gallery.....

needs to wake up and speak up. Feedback on my life that I'm pouring out here for your eyes would be greatly appreciated.

Hallmark Cards and Doctor Visits

Hallmark has a new collection of cards out for the occasions that are new to our time. Three examples of things you could give cards from this collection for are: someone adopting a new baby, someone reaching a year of sobriety or a new divorcee. While it is interesting that they have created cards for situations such as these, it is even more interesting that people would want to give cards in these situations in the first place. Someone manages to be sober for a year and all you can do is grab a card from Wal-Mart and sign it? What the fuck? That's a bit cheap, emotionally and hell financially speaking.

I went to the doctor Thursday. I was supposed to go on Wednesday but Mom told me the wrong date. So I was there on Thursday. I had to wait an hour to get a standby appointment and it was with a different doctor. I wasn't happy. I have Mom schedule my appointments because if they need further permission to treat, they need her because I'm 17. She didn't show. Talked to someone over the phone. I feel like she's not interested in my life because I'm not living it her way. That's fucked up if you ask me. She's my mom. I want and need her around in the appropiate amount. It's gay that she's pulling back on that because I'm not doing what she wants. I'm still living well. Getting my education. What's her deal? Anyway, I had to have x-rays of my legs. The tech complimented my legs which apparently are long enough to warrant being x-rayed in sections because my whole leg doesn't fit in a screen. Cool.

I'm bored and worried and that worries me

Well Andrew is out to sea. And I haven't heard from him yet. Then again I have no idea if anyone has heard from him since he went out Tuesday morning. And it's only very early Saturday morning. I don't know. He was kinda weird when he left. But he's always like that before he goes out. He means a lot to me and I'm worried about my place in his life. It's scary. Not to mention a little stressful because I just can't drive out there and talk to him about it. It's bothersome.

I really had no idea how much of my time he took up. I have NOTHING to do lately. Wow.

It's not easy, but nothing's supposed to be

I watched tonight's episode of True Life. It was about self-harm. They followed the standard format and had three people up there. One pulled her hair and the other two were cutters. On was strictly a cutter and the other one also chemically burned her skin. The hair puller was hard to watch because it made me think of how Mom's missing most of her hair because of the whole fiasco that went down the night of senior banquet. Lots of times in life bad things happen. And there's nothing you can do about it but deal. When I look back over my life, I'm surprised I can get up and smile anyday. It's a miracle I don't self harm anymore. It also has a lot to do with people in my life. There's some talks that need to be had.

I'm using this time that Andrew's out on det to reconnect with other people and get caught up on a lot of loose ends. It's been good.

We're on an upswing now, I told you we were stars girl

Things are most definitely going a lot better than they were. I have a job now with Map Communications. I start after PRIDE conference on the 16th of April. I'll start out at $8 an hour and there are opportunities to quickly increase my wage. There are plenty of benefits that go with this job and it's going to allow me to attend school full time in the evening and also be home for Erica if that's needed of me. While nothing is set in stone yet, if it comes up I want to be prepared.
I've gone to the gym twice this week and I feel alive. I'm going to continue to make time for it, that is definitely for sure. I'm going to really make an effort to live healthier. Since I'm not so bogged down and underpaid, I feel happier and so I have more energy to devote to bettering myself.
I sat down with a counselor to map out my degree plan at TCC. I'm going for an associate's degree in social science. It'll transfer to ODU with no problem and I'll be able to help people later in life.

Life is good right now.

Make the screams stop

You know, I've been walking this earth for seventeen years. I'm not sure I've learned and retained as much as I could have. Anxiety is a very shitty thing to have to deal with. So is mental anguish.

I feel disappointed right now. Disappointed that I still haven't proven myself after all of this time. I'm not sure I ever will. That's a big thing to just sit and look at. It's like a wall. It's defeat. To just admit that no matter what you do you're going to fail.

I just hate everything right now. Everything. It's frustrating. My feelings are hurt to say the least. I know this is very cryptic but maybe I'll come back and expand it later and fill in the missing pieces. Maybe not. Probably not. Because I know what I'm going through and that's eventually all that matters. Friends are pointless as I continue to learn over and over again.

Stars
Your Ex-lover Is Dead
God that was strange to see you again
Introduced by a friend of a friend
Smiled and said 'yes I think we've met before'
In that instant it started to pour,
Captured a taxi despite all the rain
We drove in silence across pont champlain
And all of the time you thought I was sad
I was trying to remember your name...

This scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin
Tried to reach deep but you couldn't get in
Now you're outside me
You see all the beauty
Repent all your sin

It's nothing but time and a face that you lose
I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose
[ Lyrics found on http://www.metrolyrics.com ]

I'll write you a postcard
I'll send you the news
From a house down the road from real love...

Live through this, and you won't look back...
Live through this, and you won't look back...
Live through this, and you won't look back...

There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave
You were what I wanted
I gave what I gave
I'm not sorry I met you
I'm not sorry it's over
I'm not sorry there's nothing to say

I'm not sorry there's nothing to say...

It's events like those of the past week that make me feel like I'm not worth anyone's trust, or anyone's love, or anyone's respect. They make me feel like I'm not worth anything.

The story is sad but the love is magical

BRAD PAISLEY LYRICS
"Whiskey Lullaby" (feat. Alison Krauss)
She put him out like the burnin' end of a midnight cigarette
She broke his heart he spent his whole life tryin' to forget
We watched him drink his pain away a little at a time
But he never could get drunk enough to get her off his mind
Until the night

[1st Chorus]
He put that bottle to his head and pulled the trigger
And finally drank away her memory
Life is short but this time it was bigger
Than the strength he had to get up off his knees
We found him with his face down in the pillow
With a note that said I'll love her till I die
And when we buried him beneath the willow
The angels sang a whiskey lullaby

(Sing lullaby)

The rumors flew but nobody knew how much she blamed herself
For years and years she tried to hide the whiskey on her breath
She finally drank her pain away a little at a time
But she never could get drunk enough to get him off her mind
Until the night

[2nd Chorus]
She put that bottle to her head and pulled the trigger
And finally drank away his memory
Life is short but this time it was bigger
Than the strength she had to get up off her knees
We found her with her face down in the pillow
Clinging to his picture for dear life
We laid her next to him beneath the willow
While the angels sang a whiskey lullaby

(Sing lullaby)

Jobless and ok with it

Rest assured people. I have interviews next week. I know I spend WAY too much to jobless for long. But it's going to be ok for the amount of time that I am. I was just tired of being shit on for absolutely nothing. If I'm going to be working full time, I should have SOMETHING to show for it. And I have nothing because I was getting nothing from Kat but grief. I'm not even going to speak on that. All I will say is you can't expect kids to listen to someone you belittle. And you should have the balls to say it to that person's face. Farm Fresh is a whole nother load of shit. You WILL NOT accuse me of faking being sick in front of customers when I have just thrown up. If I can't transfer to another location then I'm quitting. I had them take me off the schedule until Jamie gets back to me about the status of my transfer. So I might as well not work there.

I have to learn to consistently stick up for myself. It's more than a little fucked up that that is the lesson I'm learning at 17.

I hate music that fits with my heart and life sometimes

THE FRAY
Look After You

If I don't say this now I will surely break
As I'm leaving the one I want to take
Forgive the urgency but hurry up and wait
My heart has started to separate

Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh
Be my baby
Oh, oh, oh
I'll look after you

There now, steady love, so few come and don't go
Will you won't you, be the one I always know
When I'm losing my control, the city spins around
You're the only one who knows, you slow it down

Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh
Be my baby
Oh, oh, oh
I'll look after you

If ever there was a doubt
My love she leans into me
This most assuredly counts
She says most assuredly

Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh
Be my baby
I'll look after you

It's always have and never hold
You've begun to feel like home
What's mine is yours to leave or take
What's mine is yours to make your own

Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh
Be my baby
Oh, oh, oh

Changes that aren't really changes

Dude. Same old shit, different motherfucking week.

Daddy went to jail last week. Early Friday morning. It was because he assaulted Mom in the process of trying to physically throw me out of the house. I feel guilty about it, but I think a part of me that was always sheltering his behavior died. I'm a little more grown up. It's sad it had to happen this way. But what are you going to do when you're the little girl that's just too motherfucking blind to realize her father doesn't hang the moon but in fact is a shithead that lies, manipulates and goes out of his way to hurt the people that are stupid enough to love him. Which at this point is me and me only. Because I'm pathetic. Whatever.

Some different things are happening with Andrew. But it's all dramatic and of course there are females involved so essentially ain't a goddamn thing changed. Things have changed but they haven't. Because that's just my life. That's how it'll be until I'm fucking dead. C'est la vie. C'est la motherfuckin' vie bitches.

My car is a piece of shit. A fucking piece of shit. Tell me why it seems I'm going to have to replace the fucking timing belt AGAIN. Second time in 7 months. That's some shit. Life is shit. The only difference is how much ends up on your boots.

Addressing Stephen's comment

I must be what I have stated that I am. All evidence points to that conclusion.

During the night

Nighttime is when it's the worst. Every mean thing, every loud cruel laugh, every shortcoming that's ever been directed to me comes rushing back at me like a train. It just consumes me. Every mistake I've ever made comes back, every failure. They all come screaming back at me in the night.

I.....

sense an argument coming up. I'm not sure with who. But I feel it. I talked to an old friend the other day. His cancer was upgraded to stage four. I feel bad for him but I still won't date him. I just...relationships aren't for me. They're not. I'm a fat, cheap whore. I wasn't meant to have friends or meaningful relationships. That's why they've never worked. (I can NOT believe it took me that long to figure that out.) Sometimes I'm really dense you know. Eh, it's a non-issue. Senior banquet is coming up. I'm semi-excited about this. One day I'm going to take some time and just read over my archives. That's the whole point of blogging you know. Knowing where you've been so you can get some sense of where to go.

Discontent

I can't wait to move away. Hell I can't wait until I turn 18. A lot of things are going to be opened to me. And I'm gonna love it. I guess. I don't know. I just want to be left alone lately. And it's not even really that I'm struggling something. I'm just sick of faking it. I'm not happy with my life. Or any of the people in it really. I don't really like either of my employers, I'm sick of my parents wanting to control me and putting down all of my thoughts, ideas, and dreams. All my friends are fake. They use me. Every last single one. And I let it be that way because I feel like I don't deserve any better. And I guess I really don't. I don't know. I'm not sure I give a damn.

I'm a whore. Plain and simple. I can sorta see how the rest of my life is going to pan out. Go to college. Make some decent friends. Have kids. Be successful at my job. Die. It really doesn't seem that bad. And besides that's all I'm really supposed to have anyway. Some people aren't supposed to have relationships and closeness. I'm not sure why the media and society is constantly perpetuating the idea that everyone has to be paired off to be ok. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so cheap and easy to take advantage of.

Those are just the facts

Sometimes I think I shouldn't be allowed to sit by myself and think all that much. I don't know. I've just come to the realization that I'm a whore. Hell I'm a cheap whore. I exchange my self-respect for a few seconds of attention because I'm so conditioned to believe that I don't deserve attention. Which is true. I'm loud and mildly violent. I latch onto people entirely too quickly because I'm lonely. I've been lonely all my life really. I never really liked moving around all the time. I never got a chance to connect to anyone. I hated it. I hate myself.

What are you gonna do?

I'm in the mood to break something. Like glass. I'm not even angry right now. It's like I'm manic almost. I just wanna run and go break something. I'm smiling right now. Laughing to myself about how much fun it would be to destroy something. I'm bouncing in this seat like a little kid. It's great.

I'm still pretty secure in the fact that humanity is a waste of my time. Not to mention space. Space that I could use. I don't know maybe I'm just bitter and angry. Bitter at what I'm not sure though. Eh.

I'm just done. To put it simply. I have reached my bullshit threshold.

I really do want to go break something though.

Clarification

Ok so I haven't done the one thing that could make me feel like a whole person again. For some reason, the opinions of the people that use me are important to me. Important enough for me to deny myself what I need in favor of their approval.

I doesn't mean I have to talk, chill, and/or associate with these sons of bitches.

When I said I'm through, basically I'm through with you

Yes you. All of you. I'm struggling and instead of doing it under the pretense of being alone, I'm going to actually be alone. No more of this unreachable people bullshit. Fuck that. Call or im if you like, I doubt I'll answer. Comments here are appreciated, they always have been, but don't expect me to take your outreached hand and crawl out of the darkness into the light. Fuck that and fuck you.

I'm done. With all of it.

The start of the end

That's basically all that needs to be said.

My body is tearing itself apart. It's like it doesn't want to work as a unit anymore. The sheer agony has me near tears.

Sharing is supposed to be caring

I care, so why can't I share? I don't understand it. I like to talk. Love it actually. But when it comes to telling the people I care about that I'm struggling, I can't seem to really do it. At least not directly. I'm not sure why that is. I think it's that I don't want to hurt feelings. How do you step to someone and say, I feel abandoned. Don't they feel hurt? Especially if they feel like lately they've been doing great as far as supporting you goes.

When I'm in pain is when it bothers me the most to hurt others. But that doesn't help me. I feel like I'm bleeding on the inside. I hurt. Not just emotionally, but it's coming out physically. I have back pain and wretched leg cramps. It hurts to walk and it hurts to sit. So basically I can lay down and sleep. And I'm so so so awesomely tired. And my stomach is just constantly churning. I feel and I'm sure look like shit.

I'm craving it

It's like meth for me.

I want it so bad. I can feel the bite of the knife as my flesh opens up and blood spills out washing away the irritation, the agitation, the hurt feelings.

I can feel the heat of the lighter as fire burns away the disappointment and the pain.

And yet I am unharmed. I've cried a lot today (I haven't gone to sleep yet so my day is not over) but I am essentially unharmed.

Why you ask?

• Stevie
• Mommy
• Andrew

Not that the bottom two give two shits about me right now. One is wrapped up in her husband and her son, the other in some new chick that will surely fuck him over and use him and leave me to clean up the mess and put sweet pea back together again. It's all very Humpty-Dumpty. I am the king's horses AND his men.....and it's a fight to put him back together again.

It'd be really nice if someone took care of me for once.

Some Insight Perhaps?

FEFE DOBSON
"Don't Let It Go To Your Head"

So what if I came clean
And told you all you mean to me
So what if I meant every word I said
Baby don't let it go to your head
So what if I write your name
Cause you're always on my brain
In a heart, I paint it crimson red
Baby don't let it go to your head

Don't be getting any big ideas
Let me make it clear

[Chorus:]
Just cause I can't go on
Just cause I die when you're gone
Just cause I think of you in bed
Don't let it go to your head
If I looked in your eyes
One, two, too many times
And memorized every word you said
Don't let it go to your head

So what if I want to kiss
From your toes up to your lips
It don't mean that you've had me yet
You're gonna be good, I bet

I'm the one whose in control here
Let me make it clear

Just cause I can't go on
Just cause I die when you're gone
Just cause I think of you in bed
Don't let it go to your head
If I looked in your eyes
One, two, too many times
And memorized every word you said
Don't let it go to your head

Ohhhhh
Don't let it go to your head
Ohhhhh

I had a porcelain doll
I held on to it so tightly
But when it broke, I swore
I'd never hold on to something that tightly again
Don't let it go to your head
Oh, no (oh, no)

Just cause I can't go on
Just cause I die when you're gone
Just cause I think of you in bed
Don't let it go to your head
Don't let it go to your head

Just cause I can't go on
Just cause I die when you're gone
Just cause I think of you in bed
Don't let it go to your head
If I looked in your eyes (ohh)
One, two, too many times
And memorized every word you said
Don't let it go to your head (ohh)
Don't let it go to your head (ohh)
Don't let it go to your head (don't let it, don't let it)
Don't let it go to your head (ohh)

KT TUNSTALL
"Suddenly I See"

Her face is a map of the world
Is a map of the world
You can see she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
And everything around her is a silver pool of light
The people who surround her feel the benefit of it
It makes you calm
She holds you captivated in her palm

Suddenly I see
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see
Why the hell it means so much to me

I feel like walking the world
Like walking the world
You can hear she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
She fills up every corner like she's born in black and white
Makes you feel warmer when you're trying to remember
What you heard
She likes to leave you hanging on a wire

Suddenly I see

And she's taller than most
And she's looking at me
I can see her eyes looking from a page in a magazine
Oh she makes me feel like I could be a tower
A big strong tower
She got the power to be
The power to give
The power to see

Suddenly I see

I'm just......oh my god. I'm breaking down and apart. Totally falling. I'm not sure why. I guess it's just because I'm so completely and utterly alone. Unsupported really. Unloved. And just.....alone. So alone. And I hate it. Anyone that truly knows me knows I hate being alone. Hate hate hate hate it. Ugh I have class in ten minutes and I just can't fathom that at this point. Just the idea of getting up off this couch just seems so incredibly large. If I weren't so ugly and fat, it's possible that maybe my life would be a little bit better.

Things I Detest

1. Being so fat that I can't get anybody's respect.
2. Being lonely.
3. Being used.
4. Being broke 65% of the time.
5. Being implusive.
6. Being hated.
7. Being unloved.

My soul is screaming from the pain

I'm mad and I'm sick and both are my faults. I'm sick of the lack of respect or recognition. And I'm physically sick. And I hate it. I don't ever get any of his attention unless he needs something. And it's the same way with my parents. And I hate it. (Hate is a recurring theme in this post can ya tell?) It just doesn't make any sense that this is how people feel they should treat me. It's really upsetting and I hate it. It's like no matter how hard I work, my mother is still cranky and bitchy and Andrew is still exhausted and unhappy. Nothing I do ever has any real effect on anyone. It sucks. Because it makes me feel useless. Not completely useless, but unhelpful to the people that matter to me and that's a little upsetting. What's also upsetting is that I can't seem to get any care. I give it but I do NOT receive it in the slightest. Like I've been hacking up a lung for the longest and all anyone can really seem to care about is how it's going to affect them. Which is the world's biggest load of shit. The absolute biggest.

Perhaps I need a different map

I once again find myself in a place I don't really like. It's entirely all too familiar. I feel stupid and unhappy. And I am in fact stupid and unhappy. I hate like everything right now. I mean 100% hate. I'm so so so so so so so unhappy it's unbearable.

And yet I have a busy night ahead of me. Babysitting for Stella from 8:30p-2am. I'm going to Andrew's before that and helping him clean his closet. I might let him borrow the car to go to a friend's birthday party. I don't know if he wants to go yet. We shall see. Either way I'm going to be in English shit up to my neck sometime tonight. Oh well.

Highly frustrated

I hate both of my jobs and I hate my house. But I'm working on fixing all of that. But it's hard to be able to cope with the dissatisfaction I'm dealing with from everything. I'm really not happy with anything that's going on in my life right now. Except for the way my friendship with Andrew is progressing. That and that I see more connection with Stephen in the future. Which is good. I like reconnecting with people.

I said on Wednesday I didn't want to spend the night at Andrew's.....you know and I know and EVERYONE knows that was a straight lie. I swear that boy can make me smile just by breathing. He's a really amazing person. I resent all the time over the past year and a half that we spent arguing.

Peekabo!

So it's been a while since I've been on here to write something. I have been reading the blogs of others, but I've also been very busy. That and my father fucked up the internet at my house. I barely get any internet time. It sucks. But then again lots of things suck. I've been spending a lot of time at Andrew's place so that has something to do with it too. My job at Farm Fresh is sucking right now. I mean really really sucking. I have to find a new one. Let's hope that the job I'm trying to get with FedEx goes through. Cross fingers and all that shit. My head hurts a shit load right now. I mean like someone sharpened a standard sized pipe and stabbed me right above my left eye with it. It hurts so so so damn bad. Today is Valentine's Day. I personally think it's a pointless commercial holiday. I mean totally pointless. But maybe that's just because I never ever get anything and I'm horribly bitter. That probably has a good deal to do with it. I do so much for people and I get shit. Shit as in nothing what so ever. I might be moving out of my house and getting an apartment with Andrew. Well that's not all true. I will most definitely move out of my house. I MIGHT move in with Andrew. That's....interesting and complicated. I'm going to go try to remove my head now because it's bothering me. Actually I'm going to finish the rest of what I needed to do online so I can hurry up and leave Andrew's. Cause that's where I am now. If I could only cast off what offends me.....there'd be no me left. A lot of me and the people around me offend me. Eh whatever.

I haven't been spending a lot of time at home lately as I'm sure you can tell. I'm very unhappy working at Kat's but it's still better than my house and so I chill there a lot. I'm not unhappy because her kids are all that difficult. It's just that I don't get paid enough to do what I do for them. I do a lot of shit. But it's dependable money so I do it. I'm getting to resent the FUCK out of it though. I mean the fuck. Aggravated by like everything. That's what I am at this point. Anywho, my family misses me, the extra driver. Not me, the sister or the daughter. Which is some shit. But I digress. Actually I don't. My headache that I got like ten minutes ago has very quickly progressed into a migraine. Which sucks because I can not drive myself home now. Motherfuckin sonofagoddamnbitch. I wanted to go home. I actually wanted to be at my house for once. That's so rare. And instead I'm stuck here. Nice. Grr. The point of this new paragraph though was that my mother either wants me to spend more time at home and "contribute" more (whatever the fuck that means) or pay storage fees for my shit. HA!! Fuck that. Fuck that in the ass.

maybe i am violent?

why, why, why, why, why

I'm so sick of asking myself this question. So I believe I'll just stop. Because it's an exercise in fultility.

motherfucker

I have a problem

I like to shop. When I'm happy, I buy things for others. When I am sad I buy things for myself.

Be it candy, porn, or cute/sexy/racy underwear; the same craving for instant gratification is there. Last Saturday I sought out to buy an electric alarm clock. Instead I bought the above.

Obviously this can become an issue. But the question is what to do about it?

No Call

Andrew is visiting his second baby mama so he can see his son for his birthday. I am worried about him. She makes him angry and she isn't a nice person. (To him at any rate.) All I asked was that he call me before he left. And did he?


OF COURSE NOT.
Why the fuck do I bother?

Yet Another Crazy Weekend

So. Last Thursday I graduated from high school. Well finished. I graduate in June. I spent that night over at Andrew's. Got up around seven when he left for work and crawled back into bed. Talked to Gerri across the room. Got up and showered at noon and dropped Drew off at a hail and farewell at Kelly's Tavern. Went home, went and babysat at Kat's house later in the evening. Came home, went to work Saturday morning. I was working (planning) on a nice home cooked meal for Andrew and his buddies but Andrew wanted to hang out with Melissa. I was upset about that, although I don't know why because it's not like I have any hold on him. But anyway I sat for Kat that night and chilled over there Sunday. Went and got Mommy's cake and flowers. Spent time at home there. Went to Andrew's to borrow his webcam and ended up spending the night there. Cried myself to sleep because it was my momma's birthday and I know she just wanted me home. But I let time get away from me and then weather got bad. It cleared but I was SOOOO tired I couldn't possibly drive. Andrew held me while I cried. I felt so bad. And she's pissed. I have to go home and deal with that. I skipped class today and PRIDE too. I'm just so tired. Payton was cranky because he didn't take a long nap. The majority of his nap he was locked in my car.

Makes some sense

I fell in love with this song when I first heard it on Scott's Myspace page. I couldn't catch all of the words at first but over time I caught quite a few. It always brought a certain person to mind even when I had no clue what the hell the words were. I looked up the words and the reason it gets me in the mood and brings someone to mind makes sense.


Tool
Jambi Lyrics
Here from the king's mountain view;
Here from the wild dream come true -
Feast like a sultan, I do,
on treasures and flesh, never few.

But I, I would wish it all away
if I thought I'd lose you
just one day

The devil and his had me down,
in love with the dark side, I found.

Dabblin' all the way down.
Up to my neck;
Soon to drown

But you,
changed that all for me,
lifted me up, turned me 'round.
So I
I
I
I
I would
I would
I would
Wish this all away

Prayed like a martyr dusk til dawn
Begged like a hooker all night long
Tempted the devil with my song
And got what I wanted all along

But I
and I would
If I could,
mm, I would
Wish it away
Wish it away
Wish it all away
Wanna wish it all away
No pressure could hold, sway,
or justify my
kneeling away
my sinnin'..

So if I could I'd wish it all away,
if I thought tomorrow
would take you away.
You're my peace of mind, my home, my center.
I'm just trying to hold on
one more day

Damn my eyes
Damn my eyes

Damn my eyes, if they should
compromise our fulcrum;
Want and need - if I need it
I might as well be gone

Shine on forever
Shine on benevolent sun

Shine down upon the broken
Shine until the two become one

Shine on forever
Shine on benevolent son

Shine down upon the severed
Shine until the two become one

Divided I'm withering away
Divided I'm withering away

Shine down upon the many
Light our way
Benevolent son

pray
Breathe in union
Breathe in union
Breathe in union
Breathe in union
So, as one, survive
another day and season.

Silently just say your grace.
Silently, just stay out of my way!

Let me break it down for you

If you've been reading lately, you might think I'm a little loose. That's not the case. Allow me to elaborate on some things for you.

There's just something about Andrew. Unless I'm in a deeply committed relationship, I will always be up for sex with him. He gives me the best sex I've ever had. Ever. Let's face that. He's got these sexy moss green eyes that get like jade green when he gets turned on. Strong solid arms and FANTASTIC hands. Seriously they're a national treasure. And that ass. Firm, full. Fits perfectly in the palms of my hands. A little bit of hair for texture. It just screams "Nibble on me mama you KNOW you wanna take a bite."

Where was I going with this? Ah yes. I wasn't in an exclusive relationship with Josh and so I have no reason to feel guilt. And I don't. I think my conscious was trying to tell me THAT wasn't going to work. Josh smokes a pack and a half a day. I thought that would be fine as long as he didn't smoke around me. Not the case as my swollen lymph nodes, sore throat, and post nasal drip are telling. And he's not willing to cut back. I didn't ask him to quit. Just consider cutting back. No. Straight off the bat. And he has issues with my religion. And it's just.....eh. I really like Josh but not at the expense of my health. So that's basically where I am.

I know several of you are going: ANDREW IS NOT YOUR FRIEND!!!!! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE INSULTED YOU AND MADE YOU CRY???!!! I THOUGHT YOU WERE NEVER SPEAKING TO HIM AGAIN!!
To that I say: I am a contradiction. Always. He's my boy. I'm never going to completely turn my back on him and walk away. Just long enough to keep from killing him when he acts like a jackass.

A Run-Down of My Weekend

Friday

• Came home after getting my paycheck. I did that right after school.
  
• Took Dad to Office Max and 7-11.
  
• Time is now 7pm. I head out to Oceana figuring I'd check on Andrew while waiting to see Josh since Josh hadn't called me yet.
• 7:20pm-Get to Andrew's. He's happy to see me, I'm happy to see him, we have missed each other greatly.
  
• 7:55pm??-Me and Andrew get busy.
  
• 9:30pm-I call Josh and leave one last message and say screw it and him. Andrew asked me to sleep over and I agree.

Saturday

• Much fun ensues as Tim comes over and there is much drinking and laughing and DDR.
  
• 1:20am-We have kicked Tim out and are having sex again.
• 2:20am-We've taken a shower, I have borrowed clothes from various people and now I am sleeping. Andrew joins me sometime in the night.
  
• 7:00am-The alarm goes off and we ignore it.
• 8:36am- I see the clock and scramble to get going to Saturday school which starts at nine. In Chesapeake.
• 9:15am-Get to Saturday School in Tim's pants and Drew's shirt and lie about having car trouble so I can get into Saturday school.
  
• 12:00pm-Get out of Saturday school, run to go get gas, drop off Dad's parking pass at the Tricare clinic, and head to the house to change into my work pants.
  
• 1:15pm-Get to Girl Scouts in Norfolk, get Taylor signed up with my troop
  
• 3:00pm-Leave there and go to work.
• 7:00pm-Get off work and go home
• 9:00pm-Head to Kat's to babysit and spend the night.

Sunday

• I basically stayed at Kat's until about 4pm. Then Dion came over and took me to the mall so I could show him his tux for my prom.
  

I was busy this weekend.

I have a million things I could be doing but I have to get this out

Last Saturday I got a reply to a Craigslist ad from a guy named Josh. We've been talking everyday since then. We hung out on Monday and had great sex. I actually felt comfortable enough to laugh about it. Of course now I'm plagued with the worry that all he sees me as is committment free sex. I want a relationship somewhere down the road. A boyfriend. A man. To be someone's number one and their only. Josh picked up on the vibes that I was uncomfortable with what we'd done and he suggested that we not have sex for the next two months. After I got over crying about how happy I was he saw me in his life in the next two months, I was glad about it. I'm still a little uneasy though. Been burned before, not again.

I'm not sure why I had sex with him so soon. S&M would be able to shed some light on this. I mean how long did they know each other before she moved in with him? It's just.....I feel like I've known him for months. And he makes me smile. I've had so little to smile about the past couple of days. My father hasn't had any insulin or even tested his blood sugar since January 3rd. I'm scared to death of coming home and finding that he's dead. On Monday, my brother's birthday, he drove my dad somewhere. Apparently he misunderstood my dad and so my dad punched him in the mouth. My brother almost hit my dad. Since then he's locked himself in his den. I feel so bad. If I hadn't been lazy and I'd dressed when I first woke up that day, I'd have been available to drive Dad. I was in the shower when they left. Once again, I'm not helping avoid these situations. It just makes me feel like shit.

Back to guys. Andrew's single again. And he's hurting. The part of me that was his friend wants so bad to reach out and help him. The part of me that loved him in that way is very much preoccupied with Josh. The part of me that craves fairness is screaming at me to take the chance that I was never really given with him. Josh is amazing. He has this sweet Southern drawl that just makes me melt. He's a really sweet person. But there are some deal breakers with him. He's a heavy smoker. With Andrew and Devin it was ok because they smoked occassionally. And they made sure it'd been a while since they last smoked before they were around me. I'm VERY allergic. It's not life-threatening, but it could be with prolonged exposure. Plus, his family is very religious and religion is a deal breaker. I'm a pagan. I know. Ouch.

I
Am
Confused.

I'm not Equal Oppourtunity anything

If you're a guy and you're black; you might as well not even bother talking to me. That's just how I am. I'm not sure why. Black guys are attractive to me but they aren't attractive. That's just how life is.

If you're a guy, you will get more chances with me than the average girl. Heck you could be Mother Teresa and you'd get less chances than the dude walking down the street. That's just how I am. Sue me.

Stephen I wasn't talking about you. I was talking about Andrew. Because he's going to couple's therapy and anger management and I can't help thinking he'd be better off without her. She's a bad influence. He's gotten progressively flaky and angry since he met her. And it's dreadful. I hate it. HATE HATE HATE IT.

The Potomac Mills thing is no big deal really. I'm not that much of a bitch and there's no real reason to think that. Get over yourself eh?

It's the end of the week....thank God

Chaos Mute Math lyrics

Artist: Mute Math Album: Mute Math Year: 2006 Title: Chaos

Complication Is My Claim To Fame
I Can’t Believe There’s Another, Constantly Just Another
Can’t Avoid What I Can’t Control
I’m Losing Ground, Still I Can’t Stand Down
I Know, Yea I Know…

I Know You Stay True When My World Is False
Everything Around’s Breaking Down To Chaos
I Always See You When My Sight Is Lost,
Everything Around’s Breaking Down To Chaos

It’s Hard To Trust Anyone Again
After All The Let Downs I’ve Been Through,
Haunted By What I’ve Been Through.
Air’s Still Trapped, While I Still Can’t Breathe,
And I’m Screaming Out, Give Me Help Somehow.
I Know, Yea I Know…

I Know You Stay True When My World Is False
Everything Around’s Breaking Down To Chaos
I Always See You When My Sight Is Lost,
Everything Around’s Breaking Down To Chaos

…Chaos
I Know You Stay True

I love the musical quality of this song. The words... they're deep. But the music of the song. The guitar is ethereal. It's got a driving beat.

It's the end of the week and I'm glad because I'm tired. Of people and stuff. I don't have all that much to say really. Although I did realize something. Someone wanted to hang out with me and I just didn't feel like it. I'm not lonely because there's no one around but because no one I want it around.

My ego and my heart and my soul are just bruised. They're torn the fuck up. There were a lot of people in my life that should have never been in it. And they're gone now. And it's good. But I miss some of these people. Which makes moving on hard. I think deleting my Myspace helped. A lot. Everyone doesn't need to know everything. I've always been a big fan of complete disclosure. (When I skip school to go to lunch, I tell my mom about it.) But not everyone has that level of maturity. If the past one and a half years has taught me anything, it's that people are different. And some folks just have to be let go.

It's a big deal

Hi.
I'm a former Myspace addict. I have fixed this problem by deleting my Myspace. I have one for the nanny agency I'm trying to start up and I kept it but I deleted the personal one. That took a lot for me to do. I ask only one thing of my readers. Don't minimalize anything that I write here. It might not seem big to you, but there's a lot of little things that are really hard for me. I'm not sure why I have such difficulty with some small things, but I'm facing it and for that I'm glad.

My ASL class is really opening some doors for me. It's vastly different from Signed English which is what most hearing people use. It includes little words like "it, and, but, is" that aren't in American Sign Language. Completely different grammatical structure. But the thing is, it's basically like any other language class where immersion is a big part of it. So for about one hour and twenty minutes, I don't vocalize. My vocal cords remain at rest. It really lets my mind open up. I started preparing in the car so I'd be used to the silence once I got there. I never realized how much I strove to not be left alone with my thoughts. It's like I have to have the tv or radio or people around me. I was always looking for someone to be around. Maybe deleting the myspace will help me get more used to myself. I'm not surprised I don't like myself, I've never really been with myself. This class is going to beneficial in more ways than one.

I'm such a broken record

I have class and I'm getting ready to go. And I'm sad and I don't want to. But we have daily quizzes.

And I always thought we'd be together in the end

First off I'd just like to say that speaking up is hard. I'm really trying to do it. And it's scary. You don't want to offend people but you're tired of being walked on. Of holding it in. So you speak up. And speak out. And live life. It's great for me really. But it's not easy. Don't act like it is.



I'm getting ready to graduate soon. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. I'm still holding a little bit of the sad over from the last post. When I envisioned my senior year I envisioned things a lot different. I wasn't single, I'd found a group of people to fit into and hang out with. I hung out all the time with my best buds Alyssa and Holly. Life was great. Life didn't end up that way. I barely talk to Holly or Alyssa anymore. I can't really stand it when I do. We've all changed so much. They don't have time for me. I'm a last resort friend. And to be honest, I really don't like the people they are now. I've never been one to hang out with people that stab others in the back and used them cause I hate that. And that's sort of who they are now. I know people and shit changes more than anyone, I'm a Navy brat. But still, I didn't really see this coming. It makes me sad for those happy middle school girls we all were once. They're both in some pain and I can't say I feel bad for them. Well I do but I don't. I'm sorry they're in pain, but they've earned it. The Universe gives what it gets. some of the shit they've done to their parents and Anna and Jessie is just...messed up. Maybe I'm naive for expecting the world to be fair. I just think of what should have/could have/would have been and it saddens me. I thought I'd be graduating with my girls. We're graduating this year, but we're not really girls anymore. I miss that.


I miss Stephen. And I miss Andrew. I love those guys. I want them at my graduation. I wouldn't be alive to graduate without those two. But we don't talk at all anymore and I know a large part of that is my fault. I'm really difficult. But damn. You're not supposed to give on people the way yall gave up on me. I know I got trying. And I know you had stuff going on with yourselves. But when you got that straight, I still needed help. Steve, I'm not as smart as you. Andrew, I don't really have the inner strength you do. Yall knew that coming in. I guess you just figured you weren't doing any good so why bother. You both did so much good. I'm not gonna lie and say I don't think yall didn't ever fuck up. Females get in the way of things sometimes. That's all I'm going to say. Actually it's not. Melissa can be a brat but she's relatively decent. She really needs to let go of that drive she has to pitch a fit when she can't get her way. If someone needs their space, they're not going to NOT need it just cause you stomp your foot. And Andrew, you have to learn to stop trying to tell females what to do. It never works and you just end up pissed off. Skip the anger and the headache. Stephen, Caroline manipulated you and that hurt you. I know that. I could tell while it was happening how it chipped away at your self-esteem and your hope. You got out of that and I'm proud. But this new chick.....I'm just worried you're loosening up too fast. You're not like a lot of people our age. You have morals. I don't want you to lose your identity in someone else again. Because you weren't happy. I see you getting more and more apathetic and not caring about things you used....some of those things you used to care about are still important. Just because you got to the point where you associated some good things with a bad person doesn't mean the things are bad. I ask the Universe to help you see the difference. Despite everything that's happened and everything that's been said, I still love yall. I always will. In slightly different ways but love is love. I miss you two.


I'm done now. That took a lot out of me. My phone never rings. People with my number should call.

So I'm lying here crying...

The past can be a hurtful thing. Not mean hurtful but sad. The past can be so so sad.

I had a blog on Blogger before, but due to certain people getting involved in things I hid it and just stopped writing there. I wrote a companion blog to it with backstory on some of the important folks in my life. My writing before my dad's stroke and after is so completely different. I hate to think that I'm the kind of person that lets every little life change turn her for the worse. Anyway I went and read the companion blog and it's just sad how there are some great people who are no longer in my life now. And some of those people have hurt me so bad. And some of those others, well I've just fucked up those relationships beyond compare. I hate that.

I'm dumb

I just finished reading a blog about my friends that I wrote before Daddy had the stroke/heart attack. I'm so different. And I go back and read things I wrote before the Jason thing and I'm different yet again. Life keeps happening and it keeps changing me for the worse and I hate it. However I don't have time to wallow in bed, I have to go to work depressed.

By the way, I might be a bad person, but I'm a firm believer in getting out of the universe what you put in. You can only fuck your friends over so many times before you catch it in the teeth.

So I make a bad human? I'm still human.

I have these days when I realize things. And it's always like a streak of lightning. Scary to say the least. Well not scary. More like frustrating. I can't be smart about life all the time....why? It's like I learn a lesson and live it for a few days and then poof it's gone. But no matter what, I'm holding onto my resolution for 2007:



SPEAK UP!!!!!!!!!!!!

When someone hurts my feelings, I shall be quite loud about it. Extremely loud about it. I'm calling people on their crap. Most def. Some folks are going to see me being a lot more verbal. A lot more verbal. And not in the way I used to be. But in a slightly more intelligent way. I am not a doormat.

Moving on, I'm never going to like my dad. I love my father. With all of my heart. He's a funny, intelligent guy. But he's mean and nasty as well. And that's just a simple fact of life. I know one thing though, he needs to chill with the rudeness. I'm not obligated to take him to play the lottery. Especially since it's a waste of a social security check. He really plans to spend the whole money he gets from the gov't on booze, smokes, and the lotto. Whatever makes him happy and keeps his wife working like a dog I guess.

I have work in the morning, so I'll make this short. I'm crude sometimes, but I don't think that makes me a bad person. It's makes me colorful at times. And at times it just makes me a crazy, black female. Which is what I was born as. So it shouldn't be a problem for you. And if it is......screw yaself and quit bothering me.

I want....

1. a boy who will love me and only me. Who will be satisfied with me just the way I am but rejoice when I get better and be firm and supportive when I backslide. Who's good and unselfish in bed. Who won't tell me how hot he finds other girls because he respects my feelings.
   
2. a father who doesn't yell at me for making the simplest mistakes. Who loves me as I am not as I should be. Who isn't afraid to say I love you.
3. a better looking, better running car.
   
4. a nicer brother.
5. a mother who has more in common with me. Who doesn't think that talking to me is a waste of time.
   
6. better grades.
7. more money.
8. more friends.
   
9. a different high school.
10. things to be the way they used to be about 5 years ago.
    

Damn I want a lot. No wonder I'm always disappointed.

So I'm slow to learn

I get that. I totally get that. I just wish it weren't so. I'd like to be on the other side of the bridge, where I'm wiser and smarter and I'm not hit over the head so many times with life lessons. I try to be at peace with my life and the way it is I really do. But it's hard. Not my life but liking it. And myself. I still don't like myself. But unlike those people on tv and the movies who are loved in spite of the fact that they're fucked up, I live in the real world and I'm not loved. I really want 2007 to be different. I want to like myself enough, or be able to fake it enough that someone will care deeply about me. And I'm losing this weight. I mean it.

My daddy

A big part of life is doing things you don't really want to. Sometimes you actually HAVE to compromise your beliefs for the greater good. Or at least the good of someone else. Sometimes you have to step outside yourself.

My dad doesn't really do what he's supposed to in terms of his health. He still smokes as much as he used to, if not more. He drinks quite a bit and he hasn't be eating like he should. Which is doubly bad because of his diabetes. I think he's figured if he's destined to die he might as well be happy. I don't blame him for it. I wished he wanted to stick around a little bit more than it seems he does, but I don't resent him for wanting to live his life the way he chooses to. I think the best thing I can do as his daughter is afford him the respect he deserves as my dad. What does being disappointed or disapproving of his choices do for me or him but make me miserable? I'd rather not tarnish the time left with him. We have fun in our own way together. When I drive him places sometimes he tells me where we're going sometimes he'll just point. I won't know where we're going until I get there. It's...interesting. We laugh at various things we see. (We see a lot of funny stuff when we go out.) Yesterday we went to Office Depot, the ATM, and 7-11. Got some computer software and then we got some beer, some soda, some cigarettes and a lotto ticket. It took about 30 minutes. We saw stuff that made us laugh and then we went home. It was simple and peaceful. And years and years down the road, outings like that are what I want to remember about my dad. Not the screaming and the yelling.

I love my dad. Like it or not, I love him. I don't much like him, but I love him. And if all he wants is respect, then dispite his outrageous behavior, I'm going to try to give it to him.

Crime Mob Ho!!

Well we all know that I'm THE anti-black person. I defy every stereotype of black folks. But I swear Crime Mob is some good shit. And Walk It Out is catchy as fuck.

I'm a freak

It's something that I've been slowly accepting for the past couple of years. I don't mean it sexually although that is true.

I'm a weirdo. A freak. I'm odd as hell baby. And I'm beginning to love it. I have all these little nitpicky things about my personality that make me really really special. And that's got to count for something in this world. Even if it doesn't I'm still a good person. I'm worth something. A lot of something as a matter of fact.

I'm SOOOO sick of being single. Really tired. But it's ok. Cause someone really really awesome is just getting themselves all ready for me. And when I finally met this mystery guy, the fireworks are gonna blow and everything is going to be great. It won't be perfect because life just isn't that way, but it'll be awesome because it'll be as close to perfect as I can get.

The Blogging Bug has bit me something fierce

For some reason I feel like blogging more lately. I guess it's stemming from a need to blog for myself and not so I can touch other people with my words. Not that reaching other people is bad, but I just.....I'm writing for myself. That's all I can say to describe it. I'm really tired of being lonely. I hope one day to find someone to love me. I have so much love in my heart to give. So much. You'd be surprised I think. Really surprised. I'm watching Holiday Heart. It's such a heartwarming movie. I feel a little inspired now. Like maybe I can lift my head up.

Christmas Goodies

I bought myself a camera and a case for it. I also bought myself a headset for my phone. I might get myself some shoes after I get paid. I can't wait to start nannying. I'm gonna be so paid it's gonna be fantabulously sick. Woohoo!!!!!

Christmas Time...A Time for Thinking

Christmas wasn't all that big at my house. I have done a lot of thinking though and I think I'm better for it. No, I know. Sometimes you can't let go until you're ready.


Apparently, no one got my memo. I most definitely asked for a hot guy for Christmas. Someone I could fuck into oblivion. Yall didn't pull through. What the fuck gives bitches? Seriously, what?

Sometimes I get sick of the despair

I want to write something but I'm not quite sure how to articulate what I'd like to say.

I'm tired of feeling like crying. I just want to be happy. I'm not sure what happy is, I just know I want it. Badly.

*giggle*

I must say I feel the slightest bit liberated. There's only so much using you can do before I'm all burned up. But I didn't get burned up. I got smart and I've washed my hands. Fuck your girlfriend or fuck yourself, cause I'm through fucking with you.

No more drama
No more tears
No more wasted gas
And anything I have of yours is now mine.

Thank the Universe my doctor's idea was wrong and I'm not pregnant with your child. Not that you'd ever have any rights to said child if I were. Because I'd deny THAT until the day that I died.

You were a great person and it's a shame you turned out like you did. I most certainly do blame Melissa for it. She stole you from Kelly and she stole your friendship from me. And now you can keep it. Because it's lost its value.

Gone forever are
The 5 hour phone conversations, the mind blowing sex, and the big warm hugs.
The full body massages and the pampering.

When you chose to date that jealous childish evil bitch and continued to do so after she used her insecurities to push away any female friend you had, you gave our friendship away. But maybe she had a point because I don't think you could be faithful if you tried.

She will leave you one day because she has to have everything she wants until no one else wants it. The best I can tell you is to find someone to pine for you so she can notice. But not me cause that is most certainly no longer my thing.

I won't be angry over the actions of the past couple of months because they wouldn't have happened if I hadn't enabled you. But I will mourn the sweet man you once were. If he comes out again, call me.

I'm laughing and I'm so glad. Because it feels good to laugh like this again.

So Busy I could be a Bee

It's the end of the quarter, I have an EKG Monday, I was at the hospital all day yesterday, there's PRIDE stuff and friend stuff and I am swamped.

Payback...it's a bitch

My brother got his permit yesterday.

My mother thought I was difficult. She'd whine and complain about me driving. I told her Matt would be ten times worse and she'd be sorry about bitchin'.

And now the time has come. HaHa!!!!

So now is a time for reckoning

I'm single.

I have been for a while. A very long while. Since about August 2005. Any time spent with HIM doesn't really count. Devin was interesting. He was a weird dude. Still sorta is. But he was a good boyfriend. He cared about me deeply. I was worth something to him. He wasn't ashamed of me.

I've been avoiding anyone or anything that closely resembles a real relationship so I can stay available to HIM. He's not available to me though. I have no claims on his heart, his time, or anything.

It's time to stop floating in the wind. Availability is important.

A Mr. Magoo moment

I was supposed to call someone about doing something this weekend. I'm not sure what. I really honestly can't remember. It was something I wanted to do though. I hope whoever it wasn't doesn't hate me for not calling. Oh well. I can't remember. No use bitchin' about it.

Racing Heart, Aching Head

So things have sorta been blech since Saturday. I told you I was feeling crappy but I didn't tell you why.

Basically to cut it short, Dad told us to rake the leaves and we weren't doing it the way he wanted us to. So he screamed obscenities at us out of the window for about three hours.

Interesting I know.

Tonight his blood sugar was unusually high (186) compared to what he ate (nothing since lunch).

He's more disorientated and I just... I'm afraid. Worried. If something goes wrong while I'm here and I screw up, I'd never forgive myself. My heart is racing and my head hurts and so does my stomach. I'm in pain. A great deal of pain.

I Just Can't......

I feel like I'm spinning out of control of my life. I feel like I'm breaking apart. I know nothing.

I've Been Overcome

Quite suddenly.

A wall of rage and self-loathing just hit me out of nowhere. I've been feeling crappy since Saturday afternoon.

I'm not ok. I never am. Never have been.

I want to just sleep and sleep until it's 5 years later and my life is better. I'm tired of struggling.

FUCK

THE FRAY
How To Save A Life

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

BONNIE TYLER
Total Eclipse Of The Heart

(Turn around)
Every now and then
I get a little bit lonely
And you're never coming round

(Turn around)
Every now and then
I get a little bit tired
Of listening to the sound of my tears

(Turn around)
Every now and then
I get a little bit nervous
That the best of all the years have gone by

(Turn around)
Every now and then I get a little bit terrified
And then I see the look in your eyes
(Turn Around, bright eyes)
Every now and then I fall apart
(Turn Around, bright eyes)
Every now and then
I fall apart

(Turn around)
Every now and then
I get a little bit restless
And I dream of something wild
(Turn around)
Every now and then
I get a little bit helpless
And I'm lying like a child in your arms
(Turn around)
Every now and then
I get a little bit angry
And I know I've got to get out and cry
(Turn around)
Every now and then
I get a little bit terrified
But then I see the look in your eyes
(Turn Around, bright eyes)
Every now and then
I fall apart
Turn around, bright eyes
Every now and then
I fall apart

And I need you now tonight
And I need you more than ever
And if you only hold me tight
We'll be holding on forever
And we'll only be making it right
'Cause we'll never be wrong
Together we can take it to the end of the line
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time
(All of the time)
I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark
We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks
I really need you tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight
(Forever's gonna start tonight)

Once upon a time
I was falling in love
But now I'm only falling apart
There's nothing I can do
A total eclipse of the heart

Once upon a time there was light in my life
But now there's only love in the dark
Nothing I can say
A total eclipse of the heart

[Instrumental Interlude]

(Turn Around, bright eyes)
(Turn Around, bright eyes)

(Turn around)
Every now and then
I know you'll never be the boy
You always wanted to be
(Turn around)
But every now and then
I know you'll always be the only boy
Who wanted me the way that I am
(Turn around)
Every now and then
I know there's no one in the universe
As magical and wondrous as you
(Turn around)
Every now and then
I know there's nothing any better
There's nothing that I just wouldn't do
(Turn Around, bright eyes)
Every now and then I fall apart
(Turn Around, bright eyes)
Every now and then I fall apart

And I need you now tonight
And I need you more than ever
And if you only hold me tight
We'll be holding on forever
And we'll only be making it right
'Cause we'll never be wrong
Together we can take it to the end of the line
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time
(All of the time)
I don't know what to do
I'm always in the dark
Living in a powder keg and giving off sparks
I really need you tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight
(Forever's gonna start tonight)

Once upon a time I was
I was falling in love
But now I'm only falling apart
There's nothing I can do
A total eclipse of the heart

Once upon a time there was light in my life
But now there's only love in the dark
Nothing I can say
A total eclipse of the heart

A total eclipse of the heart
A total eclipse of the heart
(Turn Around, bright eyes)
(Turn Around, bright eyes)
(Turn around)

It's rare....

That I ever know what's good for me and actually go out and do it. I'm not sure why I'm so damned stubborn. Maybe it's because I feel like I'm fighting against the world sometimes. I dunno.

Don't You Ever....

Go back over old blog entries and read them. It's majorly, horrifically depressing.

I want a boy

He would do the following things:

• Call me late at night because his day sucked and he knows his girl will listen to him complain.
• Not mind if I call him late at night because I'm awake and lonely.
  
• Fall asleep on the phone with me.
• Let me borrow one of his hoodies indefinitely.
  
• Hold my hand while one of us is driving.
• Kiss me on the forehead and tell me I rock.
• Call me baby.
• Give me deep tissue back massages when my back seizes up.
• Take naps with me.
• Let me lay on his chest and listen to his heartbeat when I get upset.
• Go shopping with me.
  
• Dance with me.
• Sip Starbucks and watch movies with me.
• Read.
• Sit with me while we both do something by ourselves. (He: reads. Me: knit. Or something like that.)

In return I would do the following:

• Kiss him at least four times a day.
• Tell him what a great guy he is.
• Play video games with him.
  
• Hold him when he's in a grumpy mood.
• Lay his head in my lap and rub his temples when he has a headache.
• Let him drive my car sometimes.
• Give him rub downs whereever and whenever he hurts.
• Let him be when he needs his space.
• Not call him nicknames in front of his boys if he doesn't like it.
• Get along with his boys.
• Never make him choose between his mama and me.
• Never make him choose between his boys and me.
• Always smell good and look pretty.
• Take care of myself so he doesn't have to worry about me too often.
  
• Let him be the man and take charge of things. Sometimes.
  

I'm a decent girl. If I care about a guy, I'm there for him in whatever way he wants and needs me. I'm RIGHT THERE. Bam. There's Joy. I'm a ride or die kinda girl. I want my boy. Someone find him and put a bow on him. Since I don't think we're getting a tree this year, just tuck him beside me in my bed.

I'd be dangerous right now....

if I had access to a weapon. Matricide and patricide.....I wonder if there is a word to combine the two?

I'm lazy what else is there to say?

Some real shit has gone down over the past couple of days. And while I'm tempted to get into all of it and discuss it, I did all of that in my head. And maybe full disclosure isn't really the best course of action all of the time. Basically though, it's be forcefully brought to my attention that I really need to learn how to stand alone. I'm really just cutting out the crap. Doing a little bit more for me. Cause I really am my best resource.
I hate driving sometimes. I mean really really hate it. It makes me homicidal. And I don't really need any help with that. We all know that.
I'm starting to resent my family more and more as my senior year goes by. I'm really developing a hate. My senior year is just...shitty. I'm not having any memories to go to college with. We're not doing anything really for Thanksgiving. It's just....Momma wouldn't get it. So I'm just gonna shut up about it.

GRRRR, Shit, Fuck, and let us not forget Damn

So Blogger still hasn't fixed the fuck up and I'm mad about it. I changed the address here, because it occured to me that HIS girlfriend, with her myspace stalking ways could very well have the address. While I doubt she could identify who HE is, I don't like risks. So I changed it. I can't leave a post at my old address or even put this blog back there cause apparently it's still in use. If you go there, you'll see all the posts I had before I switched to Blogger beta. So yeah. It's still fucked up and I'm a little angry about that.

I was supposed to go bowling last night with HIM and his friend and instead I spent the night here and we had sex a couple times. I love having sex with HIM. I feel good about the fact that fucking a fat slob like myself doesn't completely make him throw up. What kills me is the fact that he withdraws afterwards. HE says that we have sex because it makes me happy and he likes making me happy. I love that, but I hate knowing that I made him angry at himself. I like when he holds me and when he can't or won't, it's a little upsetting. It makes me feel so used when he puts himself like on the other side of the room. But then again I should be used to this with HIM by now. That's always been our M.O. Gah. I'm over everything at this point.

I've been having minor anxiety attacks all week. Needless to say, it's put a lot of stress on my system. I could throw up right now and it wouldn't surprise me. A lot of things don't surprise me anymore and I think that's fucked up. I'm so damn old to be so young. Every now and again I scan my label list to see what seems to be in the forefront of my life at that point. Depression is ALWAYS at the top of that list. How gay is that? Incredibly gay.

I was going to write more but a) this is a really long post, b) no one else read this because I have charged the url, and c) A wave of blah just hit me and I no longer feel like making words into sentences.