Friday, December 29, 2006

Crime Mob Ho!!

Well we all know that I'm THE anti-black person. I defy every stereotype of black folks. But I swear Crime Mob is some good shit. And Walk It Out is catchy as fuck.

I'm a freak

It's something that I've been slowly accepting for the past couple of years. I don't mean it sexually although that is true.

I'm a weirdo. A freak. I'm odd as hell baby. And I'm beginning to love it. I have all these little nitpicky things about my personality that make me really really special. And that's got to count for something in this world. Even if it doesn't I'm still a good person. I'm worth something. A lot of something as a matter of fact.

I'm SOOOO sick of being single. Really tired. But it's ok. Cause someone really really awesome is just getting themselves all ready for me. And when I finally met this mystery guy, the fireworks are gonna blow and everything is going to be great. It won't be perfect because life just isn't that way, but it'll be awesome because it'll be as close to perfect as I can get.

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

The Blogging Bug has bit me something fierce

For some reason I feel like blogging more lately. I guess it's stemming from a need to blog for myself and not so I can touch other people with my words. Not that reaching other people is bad, but I just.....I'm writing for myself. That's all I can say to describe it. I'm really tired of being lonely. I hope one day to find someone to love me. I have so much love in my heart to give. So much. You'd be surprised I think. Really surprised. I'm watching Holiday Heart. It's such a heartwarming movie. I feel a little inspired now. Like maybe I can lift my head up.

Christmas Goodies

I bought myself a camera and a case for it. I also bought myself a headset for my phone. I might get myself some shoes after I get paid. I can't wait to start nannying. I'm gonna be so paid it's gonna be fantabulously sick. Woohoo!!!!!

Christmas Time...A Time for Thinking

Christmas wasn't all that big at my house. I have done a lot of thinking though and I think I'm better for it. No, I know. Sometimes you can't let go until you're ready.


Apparently, no one got my memo. I most definitely asked for a hot guy for Christmas. Someone I could fuck into oblivion. Yall didn't pull through. What the fuck gives bitches? Seriously, what?

Saturday, December 23, 2006

Sometimes I get sick of the despair

I want to write something but I'm not quite sure how to articulate what I'd like to say.

I'm tired of feeling like crying. I just want to be happy. I'm not sure what happy is, I just know I want it. Badly.

Monday, December 18, 2006

*giggle*

I must say I feel the slightest bit liberated. There's only so much using you can do before I'm all burned up. But I didn't get burned up. I got smart and I've washed my hands. Fuck your girlfriend or fuck yourself, cause I'm through fucking with you.

No more drama
No more tears
No more wasted gas
And anything I have of yours is now mine.

Thank the Universe my doctor's idea was wrong and I'm not pregnant with your child. Not that you'd ever have any rights to said child if I were. Because I'd deny THAT until the day that I died.

You were a great person and it's a shame you turned out like you did. I most certainly do blame Melissa for it. She stole you from Kelly and she stole your friendship from me. And now you can keep it. Because it's lost its value.

Gone forever are
The 5 hour phone conversations, the mind blowing sex, and the big warm hugs.
The full body massages and the pampering.

When you chose to date that jealous childish evil bitch and continued to do so after she used her insecurities to push away any female friend you had, you gave our friendship away. But maybe she had a point because I don't think you could be faithful if you tried.

She will leave you one day because she has to have everything she wants until no one else wants it. The best I can tell you is to find someone to pine for you so she can notice. But not me cause that is most certainly no longer my thing.

I won't be angry over the actions of the past couple of months because they wouldn't have happened if I hadn't enabled you. But I will mourn the sweet man you once were. If he comes out again, call me.

I'm laughing and I'm so glad. Because it feels good to laugh like this again.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

So Busy I could be a Bee

It's the end of the quarter, I have an EKG Monday, I was at the hospital all day yesterday, there's PRIDE stuff and friend stuff and I am swamped.

Sunday, December 10, 2006

Payback...it's a bitch

My brother got his permit yesterday.

My mother thought I was difficult. She'd whine and complain about me driving. I told her Matt would be ten times worse and she'd be sorry about bitchin'.

And now the time has come. HaHa!!!!

So now is a time for reckoning

I'm single.

I have been for a while. A very long while. Since about August 2005. Any time spent with HIM doesn't really count. Devin was interesting. He was a weird dude. Still sorta is. But he was a good boyfriend. He cared about me deeply. I was worth something to him. He wasn't ashamed of me.

I've been avoiding anyone or anything that closely resembles a real relationship so I can stay available to HIM. He's not available to me though. I have no claims on his heart, his time, or anything.

It's time to stop floating in the wind. Availability is important.

Saturday, December 09, 2006

A Mr. Magoo moment

I was supposed to call someone about doing something this weekend. I'm not sure what. I really honestly can't remember. It was something I wanted to do though. I hope whoever it wasn't doesn't hate me for not calling. Oh well. I can't remember. No use bitchin' about it.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Racing Heart, Aching Head

So things have sorta been blech since Saturday. I told you I was feeling crappy but I didn't tell you why.

Basically to cut it short, Dad told us to rake the leaves and we weren't doing it the way he wanted us to. So he screamed obscenities at us out of the window for about three hours.

Interesting I know.

Tonight his blood sugar was unusually high (186) compared to what he ate (nothing since lunch).

He's more disorientated and I just... I'm afraid. Worried. If something goes wrong while I'm here and I screw up, I'd never forgive myself. My heart is racing and my head hurts and so does my stomach. I'm in pain. A great deal of pain.

Monday, December 04, 2006

I Just Can't......

I feel like I'm spinning out of control of my life. I feel like I'm breaking apart. I know nothing.

I've Been Overcome

Quite suddenly.

A wall of rage and self-loathing just hit me out of nowhere. I've been feeling crappy since Saturday afternoon.

I'm not ok. I never am. Never have been.

I want to just sleep and sleep until it's 5 years later and my life is better. I'm tired of struggling.

Sunday, December 03, 2006

FUCK

THE FRAY
How To Save A Life

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

BONNIE TYLER
Total Eclipse Of The Heart

(Turn around)
Every now and then
I get a little bit lonely
And you're never coming round

(Turn around)
Every now and then
I get a little bit tired
Of listening to the sound of my tears

(Turn around)
Every now and then
I get a little bit nervous
That the best of all the years have gone by

(Turn around)
Every now and then I get a little bit terrified
And then I see the look in your eyes
(Turn Around, bright eyes)
Every now and then I fall apart
(Turn Around, bright eyes)
Every now and then
I fall apart

(Turn around)
Every now and then
I get a little bit restless
And I dream of something wild
(Turn around)
Every now and then
I get a little bit helpless
And I'm lying like a child in your arms
(Turn around)
Every now and then
I get a little bit angry
And I know I've got to get out and cry
(Turn around)
Every now and then
I get a little bit terrified
But then I see the look in your eyes
(Turn Around, bright eyes)
Every now and then
I fall apart
Turn around, bright eyes
Every now and then
I fall apart

And I need you now tonight
And I need you more than ever
And if you only hold me tight
We'll be holding on forever
And we'll only be making it right
'Cause we'll never be wrong
Together we can take it to the end of the line
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time
(All of the time)
I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark
We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks
I really need you tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight
(Forever's gonna start tonight)

Once upon a time
I was falling in love
But now I'm only falling apart
There's nothing I can do
A total eclipse of the heart

Once upon a time there was light in my life
But now there's only love in the dark
Nothing I can say
A total eclipse of the heart

[Instrumental Interlude]

(Turn Around, bright eyes)
(Turn Around, bright eyes)

(Turn around)
Every now and then
I know you'll never be the boy
You always wanted to be
(Turn around)
But every now and then
I know you'll always be the only boy
Who wanted me the way that I am
(Turn around)
Every now and then
I know there's no one in the universe
As magical and wondrous as you
(Turn around)
Every now and then
I know there's nothing any better
There's nothing that I just wouldn't do
(Turn Around, bright eyes)
Every now and then I fall apart
(Turn Around, bright eyes)
Every now and then I fall apart

And I need you now tonight
And I need you more than ever
And if you only hold me tight
We'll be holding on forever
And we'll only be making it right
'Cause we'll never be wrong
Together we can take it to the end of the line
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time
(All of the time)
I don't know what to do
I'm always in the dark
Living in a powder keg and giving off sparks
I really need you tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight
(Forever's gonna start tonight)

Once upon a time I was
I was falling in love
But now I'm only falling apart
There's nothing I can do
A total eclipse of the heart

Once upon a time there was light in my life
But now there's only love in the dark
Nothing I can say
A total eclipse of the heart

A total eclipse of the heart
A total eclipse of the heart
(Turn Around, bright eyes)
(Turn Around, bright eyes)
(Turn around)

Saturday, December 02, 2006

It's rare....

That I ever know what's good for me and actually go out and do it. I'm not sure why I'm so damned stubborn. Maybe it's because I feel like I'm fighting against the world sometimes. I dunno.