Holy Shit

I'm so behind in my school work. I CAN NOT afford to fuck up English this semester; it's my last chance. So I'm going to get off of here and just really grind out all of this shit. It's just. Oh God. There's so much to do. Just so much.

wishes

I wish I were strong enough to approach everyone I've ever disappointed and say I'm sorry. I'm so incredibly sorry. I mean it. Can't you tell I mean it?

I know I've always fallen short. And I know I've lied. And I know I've been selfish. But damn it I'm sorry. I really am.

We're on an upswing now, I told you we were stars girl

Things are most definitely going a lot better than they were. I have a job now with Map Communications. I start after PRIDE conference on the 16th of April. I'll start out at $8 an hour and there are opportunities to quickly increase my wage. There are plenty of benefits that go with this job and it's going to allow me to attend school full time in the evening and also be home for Erica if that's needed of me. While nothing is set in stone yet, if it comes up I want to be prepared.
I've gone to the gym twice this week and I feel alive. I'm going to continue to make time for it, that is definitely for sure. I'm going to really make an effort to live healthier. Since I'm not so bogged down and underpaid, I feel happier and so I have more energy to devote to bettering myself.
I sat down with a counselor to map out my degree plan at TCC. I'm going for an associate's degree in social science. It'll transfer to ODU with no problem and I'll be able to help people later in life.

Life is good right now.

It's a big deal

Hi.
I'm a former Myspace addict. I have fixed this problem by deleting my Myspace. I have one for the nanny agency I'm trying to start up and I kept it but I deleted the personal one. That took a lot for me to do. I ask only one thing of my readers. Don't minimalize anything that I write here. It might not seem big to you, but there's a lot of little things that are really hard for me. I'm not sure why I have such difficulty with some small things, but I'm facing it and for that I'm glad.

My ASL class is really opening some doors for me. It's vastly different from Signed English which is what most hearing people use. It includes little words like "it, and, but, is" that aren't in American Sign Language. Completely different grammatical structure. But the thing is, it's basically like any other language class where immersion is a big part of it. So for about one hour and twenty minutes, I don't vocalize. My vocal cords remain at rest. It really lets my mind open up. I started preparing in the car so I'd be used to the silence once I got there. I never realized how much I strove to not be left alone with my thoughts. It's like I have to have the tv or radio or people around me. I was always looking for someone to be around. Maybe deleting the myspace will help me get more used to myself. I'm not surprised I don't like myself, I've never really been with myself. This class is going to beneficial in more ways than one.

I'm such a broken record

I have class and I'm getting ready to go. And I'm sad and I don't want to. But we have daily quizzes.

I want....

1. a boy who will love me and only me. Who will be satisfied with me just the way I am but rejoice when I get better and be firm and supportive when I backslide. Who's good and unselfish in bed. Who won't tell me how hot he finds other girls because he respects my feelings.
   
2. a father who doesn't yell at me for making the simplest mistakes. Who loves me as I am not as I should be. Who isn't afraid to say I love you.
3. a better looking, better running car.
   
4. a nicer brother.
5. a mother who has more in common with me. Who doesn't think that talking to me is a waste of time.
   
6. better grades.
7. more money.
8. more friends.
   
9. a different high school.
10. things to be the way they used to be about 5 years ago.
    

Damn I want a lot. No wonder I'm always disappointed.

I Can't Stand It

Ok, there's a few things I really can't stand and I'm going to get them off my chest. Here goes.

HE has a girlfriend and I feel like she is using Myspace to stalk me. There's only so much you can make private on Myspace. I'm tired of having to cloak everything I type and not being able to be upfront with friends and give honest comments because she might run across it.

I feel I spend a good deal of time waiting for Holly to stab me in the back. I just get this feeling there's something between HIM and Holly going on that I'm missing. He's been online a lot lately. And they always seem to end up talking a lot, about me. And I'll find out about it way later. It never seems to come out how they talk though. I know I seem stupid to be jealous of them communicating when I'm screwing HIM behind HIS girlfriend's back. But back at the beginning, (which seems a helluva lot farther away than it is), when he was completely single and I was actively trying to date him and even when I was sorta dating him, she'd flirt with him horribly. They spent a day together without me because I had responsibilities I choose to uphold and they took pictures of the two of them being close in the backseat of HIS car. It was an outside event so I'm guessing they went in there to sit. That day was pivotal. She told me later that they kissed that day. That hurt so bad. We'd (HIM and I) had made plans to hang out later that day since I couldn't hang out with HIM earlier at the Pagan festival. He didn't answer his phone all that day. HE called later that night and said he felt I was too close and HE was sorry and ectera ectera. It hurt so bad. Especially more when Holly finally fessed up and it became clear that HE didn't truly need space, HE was just more interested in my friend. Why couldn't HE just say that? Why? I don't understand. I'm nothing more than casual sex and an ATM. But more to my point, she stabbed in the back with that one. And she's done it before. She's very quick to take the side of others against me. To put me down. She's quite mean to be truthful. Why we're still friends I don't know. Maybe I just don't feel I deserve better. I know that she's hurt me deeply so many times that I feel like I'm just resting until she does it again. That's pathetic. And it's not how I want to live my life. At all. In addition to the last paragraph, something that's going on with her has also brought this situation to mind. This particular thing came up in class in regards to someone else. Confidentiality came up and I realized if our positions were switched, there's a good chance she'd sell me down the river. She's forever trying to one-up me. And I'm not sure why I take it.

I'm also so sick of school it's not funny. And it's not learning. It's Indian River. I'm ready for bigger and better. Everyone is so childish around me. The inappropiate laughter and the rudeness. The intolerance. It's nerve-racking. Not to mention annoying.


I guess what's got all of this on my mind is the quickly approaching end to my high school career. After all we have semester long classes and I only have classes the first semester. So at the end of January, I'm finished. I'm growing up. I've been sleeping in my mom's bed for the past week cause my sheets need changing and I hate to do it, but I can't do that forever. We were chilling on her bed watching tv and I thought to myself, "The number of times I can sit here and do this are numbered. And they're running out." I'm tired of being unhappy with my life. I'm almost 18 and I'm still unhappy. What is that about? I'm over it.

I'm ready for change. I want to go away and learn something that matters to me. I want friends that are 100% true. I'm growing up and I just can't stand it.

HIM

Ah HIM.

The infamous HIM.

Oh babe how I love you. Yes you love another. You said we'd try us again if things didn't work with the woman you felt obligated to try happiness with. They didn't and you fell into love with another. But it's ok. I still love you. I think no matter what I'm always going to love you. Honestly I don't think you truly love her. But ok. That's not for me to decide or determine.

Your pretty moss green eyes.
Your long brown-black eyelashes that have the curl most women glue on.
Your smile, crooked teeth and all. It looks mischevious, a reminder of the little boy you never really got a chance to be.
Your strong arms that are always warm no matter how cold it is outside.
The way you wrestle with me and pick on me and know when I've had enough for real.

I should stop thinking about you. Friends don't think this much about other friends that are dating someone. And I have English to do. She (my new English teacher) really isn't giving me enough time to do this fucking thing. Gah.

The mystery person and I feel like shit

Wow....that's something I really can't stand. People that are into smoke and mirror shit. It'd be nice to talk to you face to face. To thank you for your kind words and so on and so forth. But eh.

My heart's been beating unusually fast lately. Like I'll just be sitting and I'll feel it speed up. It scares me and my breathing changes. I went and babysat tonight and when I came home I just laid on my mom's bed and tried not to hyperventilate. Things got kinda dark, like someone dimmed the lights. And next thing I know I'm waking up. It's weird. I don't feel right. My head's been killing me all day and my neck was so sore and achy this morning I couldn't move it. I had to go to the nurse and just lie down with an ice pack on my neck cause it hurt so bad. Needless to say I called out of working at Sonic. I just can't run back and forth like that with my neck like this. I feel nauseated and just rotten. Maybe I'm dehydrated. I don't know. What I do know is that all the feel good feelings from my week off are gone. I'm tired and I feel like shit now. Again.

Oh mystery person, it's anatomy not biology. If you know me so well, get your facts together.

I am Intrigued

Shine on me the light....you intrigue me. I have a few questions.

1...and I feel this one is most important....who are you? Do I know you strictly online or do I know you offline as well?

2. Did you leave that anonymous comment?

I must know more...I'm curious. Oh so curious. Speaking of things that make me curious, we dissected sheep hearts in Anatomy today. Much much fun. It looked like roast beef to be honest. It's a good thing I don't like roast beef.

I'm in the mood to be held while I sleep.

Details

I wrote this like Saturday. Or maybe Friday. Either way, here it go.




So the past week has been a bit of a roller coaster. My English teacher and I didn't quite see eye to eye and she used my papers as an excuse to have me permanently removed from her class. I tried to fight it but she prevailed since the two papers I wrote were about self-mutilation and BDSM. I didn't write them to show off or cause a fuss but to prove a point. Everything has a humane normal aspect to it. No matter how off the wall and twisted it may seem, everyone is basically the same. It was important to me to write papers that showed that because I feel so unloved and unaccepted. I feel taboo. I was hoping to open a few minds and draw a paralell between these taboo parts of our culture and myself. A part of me is normal. I'm not some horrible person. This was all Monday and Tuesday.

Tuesday I worked from 5pm to 10pm. I'd been dealing with the school stuff all day and I just couldn't face going home and listening to my mother harp on it again and again. So I drove around. I went to the bookstore first and left there about 10:40pm. I drove down Volvo past my house, hit Kempsville and then hit Centerville. Took that down to Mt. Pleasant Rd. and then took that to 464. Went through the tunnel, down Effingham to Geo. Washington Hwy and kinda winded around there on and off Victory Blvd. I got a little tired so I figured I'd go home. I took the Jordan bridge and was on 464 headed home. I took the Military Hwy. exit and went away from my house instead. Went over the Gilmerton bridge and straight down Military Hwy past Geo. Washington Hwy. Ended up going through Western Branch near Joliff. (It's about a stone's throw from where 64 branches off and goes to either Suffolk or Richmond.) I went on 664 a bit. I guess I'm trying to illustrate that I went all over creation.

I decided to turn around and go home. I kept drifting off though. I wasn't drifting on the road too bad but I was drifting off(falling asleep). I'm not sure why I didn't stop. Anyway, I woke up and I was headed straight on for a tree in the median. I guess my foot got heavy while I was sleeping because I remember the speedometer reading 40 mph. So I turn the wheel hard. I'm too close to the tree to avoid it completely so I catch it with the side of my car. I spin around and around and end up about 100 yards (I guess) down the median on the other side of the tree. I called Scott earlier cause I was kinda lost (it was raining earlier and I couldn't find any landmarks) and Portsmouth is his stomping grounds. So I called him again because he was all like if you need something let me know. When I hit this tree, I hadn't eaten or drank anything since Monday afternoon. And I hit the tree at 1:26 am Wednesday morning. (Please don't ask me why I noticed the time.) So I could sense that I was okay but I wasn't really in the car. I was quite out of it. So I called him because it just seemed like the right thing to do. He asked all the appropiate questions (is the car stuck, are you ok, did you hit your head). He then told me to go home NOW, and so after I drove back towards the tree and picked up my hubcap (I bent the hubcap of the driverside front wheel) I did what he said and went home. Called my mama and woke her up to tell her. She told me to come home and hung up. No questions from her. I went home, went to sleep and then to school. I went to school where they informed me that I was going to be doing independent study for my English class from now on. So basically they stuck me in a room by myself for and hour and a half where all I had to think about is how I could have died and how everyone was so indifferent to that. And how I wasn't so sure I was glad that I woke up when I did. Ten seconds later...

I started to cry and get very upset. My math teacher had me go to the office and I just couldn't stop. I'm guessing because of my history, they put me out until I could get a note from a doctor saying I wasn't a threat to myself or others. My mom took me to the ER and I just froze on the inside. Honestly, my mama's being a RN is what kept me from being admitted. That scared me so bad. I'm so afraid of losing my free will, my voice. A part of me died Wednesday.

I called Andrew because I really needed to talk to someone who'd have a snowball's chance in hell of understanding. But once again, the fact that I have no true friends was made startlingly clear.

I'm scared. Scared to think, or speak for fear that it'll be twisted and I'll be put away. No one really gets it and I can't really explain it anymore. I'm so lonely and just in so much pain. And so I cut myself to feel better. And when I can't cut, I starve myself. I'm fully aware that no matter how much I cut or starve myself, I'm never going to be pretty enough or just plain enough to have any true friends that care about me. I know that. But I still hope. If I could talk to my "friends" when I was lonely or sad or feeling hopeless it might be different. But I can't. They can talk to me though. I guess I just don't deserve support.

I haven't been to school since they sent me home Wednesday. I got a note from the ER doctor referring me to a shrink, but the school wants me to see the shrink before I can go back. They set me up with an office that works in pyschiatrist/pyschologist teams. I'm going to be medicated. I'll lose my personality because I'll be coked outta my head. That makes me so sad but at the same time I just can't care about it anymore. I see them tomorrow. I'll probably be forced to go to the counseling person for a while.

That was my week.

CATS!!!....and other shit

No this isn't about the Broadway musical. That sorta gives me the creeps. No, I'm talking about the ones we skinned in Anatomy. It was so much fun. That's morbid and gruesome. But it was still fun.

I'm so in over my head. I'm not sure how I figured I'd help Becca out while I don't really have a handle on myself but somehow I managed it. I really hope she keeps going in the right direction with that. Privacy is dead. So is chivalry and goodwill. And me hopefully one day soon. God, Buddha, Yahweh, and the Fates willing.

I can't help myself. I wish I could but I can't. HE used to help me, but we don't talk anymore and I'm so lost. I need my best friend back.

Oops!!

I forgot two things.
First, the song I posted in the blog titled .... is a song by the band Everclear.
Second, or more like first actually, I've started another blog just for my essays.

Here's the link: http//writingsonthewallessays.blogspot.com

It would mean something to me if you all could read and give me some feedback.

Take care of me for a change

I need money.
I don't have it.
I suppose I'm overly generous when I can't afford to be. And I can't seem to control my spending. I'm eating out all of the time when I don't absolutely have to. Why this is I don't know. But I'm just going to sit tight because something always comes through for me when I least expect it. Although I doubt it will happen now.
My check is small because I didn't work the first week of school. So my whole check is going to hair and nails for my senior pics. Because I honestly don't see the point of spending money to take the pictures if I look like shit. Well, sloppy shit. No matter what I do I'm going to look like shit regardless. But I'd like to look like well put together shit.
Fuck it whatever. I just need about 50 dollars to save my ass so I can pull everything together. And I don't have it and I know I'm not going to get it. Because I rarely get anything.

I've learned something about myself

I have no patience for people that complain excessively. Or those that make wrong decisions on purpose to overdramatize their situation.

None. Whatsoever.

Too bad that's the only kind of people I deal with.

It's almost the end of the second week of school. I'm tired. I'm achy. I need one of those nice, slow back rubs that I seem to be great at giving but not receiving. I hear they're great. Maybe they aren't as great though and I just don't know it cause I've never gotten one. Who knows. I feel like crap. I need some TLC. From someone else. A massage, cuddling, and then a nap. That's what I need and that's what I want.

Any offers? Feel free to contact me. Hell feel free to do anything that lets me know someone besides me reads this. Fake names are ok if I can tell who you are underneath them. Even if I can't they're okay.

No Sick Day

I was sick today. I went to school. I slept and slept. And hacked and wheezed and felt like crud. But I was in school. Why you ask? So I could go to my extracirrculars. I went and for what? People talked at both of them the whole time. The entire time. It was fuckin' ridiculous. Truly. But it was still fun. I mean after all how can it not be? It's SCA and PRIDE. They're always fun. Except for days like today where you go to Chick-Fil-A with PRIDE kids after practice and lock your keys in the car. And find this out after everyone leaves and they're closing Chick-Fil-A down. That just sucks.

First Week in Review

So there was some minor drama which I will share which will explain why I'm just now blogging and why I'm blogging each day.

Tuesday: The very first day. I looked cute. Pulled together and sophisticated. My father got confused about what time we were supposed to be at school, got agitated and fell. I came home and my laptop screen was destroyed. Magically of course cause he didn't do it and no one else was home. I started off my classes, which this semester are:

• Anatomy
• AP Government
• Freshman Composition 111
• Probability and Statistics

Not bad classes and not bad teachers. I got wet earlier in the day and was freezing the rest of the day because the ac is on full blast in all the rooms but I managed to stay awake until fourth block. (math) I practically passed out and that was that. Got home and Dad was grumpy but I was just whatever about it. Not the laptop but his attitude. I had one of my own.

Wednesday: Started off right at home was a little late. The deep fryer (one of them anyway) in the cafeteria caught on fire, so thank God I bought a wrap at WaWa for lunch on the way to school. I hate PB&J, which was the alternative since the stove weren't in commission. I stayed awake all day and I got school supplies afterwards. In between the end of class and school supplies at friendly Wal-Mart, I dropped my laptop off to have the screen replaced. My mother paid for it but I'm still displeased as it has to be sent off and is going to take 1-2 weeks minimum to get that screen replaced. I got a pink Tinkerbell backpack and got home at like midnight. Mom and I were silly in Wal-Mart and it was SOOO much fun.

Thursday: Normal day. Had an SCA Homecoming Dance Committee meeting after school which was a pain because I swear the chairperson has set ideas in her head and they don't really work for the kids we have at River. But it's whatever. I mailed off cards that I bought at Wal-Mart yesterday today so we'll see the outcome of them soon. And I'll blog about it.

Faces

I'm watching a Degrassi marathon on the N. I love this show. It's full of drama and cool stuff and it's just great.
One of the characters, Jay, looks like HIM. Jay was being a really good friend to Alex after her and Paige broke up and it made me miss HIM. A lot. He and I had a a falling out. He basically took in the past couple of weeks of events (from the father freak out about PRIDE onward) and called my family dysfunctional. So I told him to go fuck himself. It's like our umpteenth blowup of the year. We haven't talked since. I miss HIM. I could call, but I'll be damned if I cave first. I just needed him to be my friend. Not put me down and make me feel like shit.

I'm tired of wondering where I stand on certain things so I'm just going to stop thinking about it. Them. You know what I mean.

Change is on the horizon and I'm not sure I'm ready. I know I'm not. I don't like change. Especially if I'm not sure what it means for me and where I stand in all of this.

I. Am. Not. Ready.

School is coming.

On Tuesday. And I'm so not ready. Totally not ready. I'm completely overwhelmed. I already feel like I'm inadequate and just not good enough to be around other people. I feel like everyone is thinking "God, we have to put up with HER. Why? What did we do wrong?". I hate these feelings but since there's nothing I can really do about the way people feel about me, I just have to let it go. And feel like shit by myself. Maybe I AM shit. I don't know. I don't particularly care at this point. I'd just like a little inner peace.

Let's not forget along with not being mentally or emotionally ready, I have AP Gov work I STILL have not finished.

Today has been a full day, this week has been a full week

I went to school today. Stayed awake for review and what not. Slept for the 30 minutes towards the end of the class since we were all chilling and shooting the shit anyway.

After that I went and sat for the Withey family. I love sitting for that family. They're just sunny, laidback happy people. Tanned and healthy and just generally fun to be around. It was good for me to watch the kids today. Taylor had her friend over and THAT was interesting. Sometimes kids can be so mean to each other, it's insane. No matter how much babysitting I do, the pain still inside waiting until I'm unaware to catch me. That's a little heartbreaking when you think about it.

I have to go to work at nine, work until twelve, and then get up and take a test tomorrow. But tips are valuable and I need them. I need a lot of things.

Steve, I'm so incredibly sorry and I swear I'm trying to do better. I'm not that successful but I'm trying.