Wednesday, May 31, 2006


With my birthday approaching, I've been very cynical. Cynicism in the extreme. And yet, I'm talking to this very interesting person. I had this whole angsty diatribe and now all I have is I might see a movie Friday, so bully for me. I'm good now. Well not good. Rarely ever good. I feel the diatribe coming on. But I have softball practice so later for it. If it's meant to be written, it'll be in my mind to write later on when I get back. It's only an hour. I should hope that my mind isn't so faulty that I can't keep a notation in my head for a mere hour. We shall see. We shall see.

Monday, May 29, 2006

Memorial Day

With both parents being retired from military service, it's hard for me not to remember and reflect upon the freedom/goodwill that we enjoy thanks to the armed forces.

However, and I suppose it's because of the name, I'm also reflecting on past transgressions and wondering about all of the various things I could have done differently. It's amazing to wonder at all the what ifs and shoulda coulda wouldas.

Is the Internet for porn only?

So I'm sitting up here watching Squidbillies, which is....white trash with tentacles. What my mind is on right now is why a person can have an easier time of finding porn on the internet than like-minded people. I'm searching for blogs about fellow teens written by teens and having the most difficult time. And yet I can find an abundance of blogs about sex at the drop of a hat. I think things like that are what's wrong with America right now.

Well it's not sex, it's everyone's obsession with it. That's the first thing many people think of when they meet each other. Are they good in bed? Are they better than me? How many partners have they had? Is sleeping with them worth it? Whatever happened to wanting a potential mate to have personality of some sort? I'm sure my English in here is quite bad, but it's late and I'm tired. The Internet used to be a wonderland of communication and now it's basically a porn mag.

Sunday, May 28, 2006

I always seem to be the one....

When I'm friends with someone, it's deep. Your problems are my problems. Whatever you need, if I have it, it's yours. What I'm trying to figure out is why these feelings don't ever get returned. Like I'm always there for my people and I get nothing from them. No support. No backup. It boggles my mind. People always seem to use me. And my thing is, do I allow people to use me? I'm not sure. I used to be concrete about issues like these. Perhaps the thing with my teeth just has me in a cranky mood. I think I'm just tired of the same old same old. I'd really like to meet new people though. Nicer, better people.

Saturday, May 27, 2006

Spector from a not-so distant past

Right now, I'm having a most interesting conversation. It's with Cassie, Devin's ex. Devin is an ex of mine and he's dumb as hell. I stopped caring a while ago about the mess he continues to make of his life. Since all I'm doing in this conversation is explaining to Cassie what I know of his latest screw-ups, one might wonder why I find this conversation interesting.

I may or may not seem hard to people lately, but for the first time ever I sound smart to myself. Better if you will. If being smarter about who you trust and let into your life means that you have to be a little mean, then I guess I've turned into a real bitch. Not that I'm overly bothered by it. I'm actually quite pleased with myself. Sometimes your skin has just gotta be tough. You've gotta be a little hard in order to meet your goals.


When people are going through Jerry Springer shit, that is when I seem to attract them. I'm not sure why this is, but it's irritating the hell out of me. I'm tired of being used. It grates on my soul.

Friday, May 26, 2006

I had forgotten....

I've always loved to write. I've been told I'm quite good. But just now I re-realized how much I liked to write. Lately, everything has become a chore for me. Just another thing to do. I feel inspired all of a sudden. I might write up some short stories. Post them in a blog. I don't know. But it doesn't matter, as long as I do it for myself. I need to start that up again. Doing things for myself. Simply for pleasure.

The People I Know

I know, and used to rely on, some incredibly selfish, childish people. Maybe I didn't have enough self-worth. I'm gaining some perspective on life lately that is really making things clear for me. I'm actually taking some gumption. I'm putting myself out there. Rejection is still painful for me, but I'm striving to not let it break me. And it's not. Yes it still hurts but I'm working over, around,and beyond it. I'm definately above it.
I'm working on the whole guy thing. I'm tired of being lonely and I'm tired of the screw-ups I get stuck with. So I'm taking things slow and testing the waters. Playing the field. Just talking really. But with a little limitation so I don't lose my head and my heart so fast. I'm liking some of the places I'm going. A lot.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006


So tomorrow morning I get my wisdom teeth pulled. Fun fun. Not really. I've been out of touch with people that used to mean the world to me and I'm not sure how I feel about that at times. I'm really glad I brought this back. I'm not sure what all will end up in here, but I'm a stronger, smarter person so I don't think I'll have repeat issues.

Wish me luck on my teeth.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Of Course I had to come back

Blogger is the only place I felt comfortable writing my shit down and I should have never let people take that away. I won't do it again, I promise.