Tuesday, October 31, 2006


So I've gotten microbraids, taken to painting my nails, and wearing makeup to school.

I'm trying to take better care of myself. It's working, up to a point. My sessions with Dr. Just, (the shrink I saw to get back in school) have made me feel that perhaps if I want to feel better, I should work on the outside. After all, it's hard to feel good about yourself when you can't stand the way you look.

I'm not so certain I should be so focused on the physical stuff but it's something I actually have control over. So I work on it. Maybe once the packaging is prettier, I'll feel good enough about the inside to give a hoot.

I have plans to hang out with HIM on Monday. I'm excited about it. I only have school two days a week next week and Monday is one of my days off. So I'm going to hopefully hang out with Alyssa, Holly, or some other friends I haven't really chilled with lately and then him. I'd like to possibly use one of those days to maybe have lunch with Trevor, the boy mentioned in the last post. If I didn't mention him I meant to. I got in contact with him via a Craigslist ad. And he's nice. Super nice. Cute. Easy to talk to. A month out of a year long relationship. Needless to say, I'm a little hesitant to get into a relationship with him. I want a relationship and I think there's a lot of possibilities with him. We have great conversation. I've just stalled on meeting him because I don't want to get into something with him just to have him step out on it. And I'm still emotionally attached to HIM. It's not just any individual thing. It's the whole package.

I quit my job at Sonic last night. Turned in my two weeks notice. The pay just isn't worth the aggravation and the stress. I can work less hours and make more money somewhere else. So that's what I plan to do.

Friday, October 27, 2006

My Resolve

Where oh where did it go? I used to be able to not eat if I didn't want to. I used to have some self-control. Some willpower. Now, I think about not eating but then I quickly cave. I don't want to be the girl that people keep around only to use when they need her anymore. I want people to be able to acknowledge me. I don't want to be the girl that's ok to fuck and tell your dreams to, but not good enough to date because she's too ugly and your friends just wouldn't understand. Not anymore at least. But I'm never going to get to that point if I can't lose some of this weight. Back to diet pills I guess. The Retiva isn't cutting it. All it does is give me energy to get up and go to the gym; it doesn't supress my appetite so I don't eat so much food I have to spend a full week in the gym just to work it off. I won't be fat for prom. I just won't. I can't.

I visited a friend Monday night. HE made me laugh. HE fell asleep as we were watching Thumb Wars (my geeks can leave comments as to what that is or leave links that can explain). I woke him to let him know I was leaving and HE gave me a hug that picked me up and dropped me on top of the world. It was warm and firm and it was great.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006


I wrote this like Saturday. Or maybe Friday. Either way, here it go.

So the past week has been a bit of a roller coaster. My English teacher and I didn't quite see eye to eye and she used my papers as an excuse to have me permanently removed from her class. I tried to fight it but she prevailed since the two papers I wrote were about self-mutilation and BDSM. I didn't write them to show off or cause a fuss but to prove a point. Everything has a humane normal aspect to it. No matter how off the wall and twisted it may seem, everyone is basically the same. It was important to me to write papers that showed that because I feel so unloved and unaccepted. I feel taboo. I was hoping to open a few minds and draw a paralell between these taboo parts of our culture and myself. A part of me is normal. I'm not some horrible person. This was all Monday and Tuesday.

Tuesday I worked from 5pm to 10pm. I'd been dealing with the school stuff all day and I just couldn't face going home and listening to my mother harp on it again and again. So I drove around. I went to the bookstore first and left there about 10:40pm. I drove down Volvo past my house, hit Kempsville and then hit Centerville. Took that down to Mt. Pleasant Rd. and then took that to 464. Went through the tunnel, down Effingham to Geo. Washington Hwy and kinda winded around there on and off Victory Blvd. I got a little tired so I figured I'd go home. I took the Jordan bridge and was on 464 headed home. I took the Military Hwy. exit and went away from my house instead. Went over the Gilmerton bridge and straight down Military Hwy past Geo. Washington Hwy. Ended up going through Western Branch near Joliff. (It's about a stone's throw from where 64 branches off and goes to either Suffolk or Richmond.) I went on 664 a bit. I guess I'm trying to illustrate that I went all over creation.

I decided to turn around and go home. I kept drifting off though. I wasn't drifting on the road too bad but I was drifting off(falling asleep). I'm not sure why I didn't stop. Anyway, I woke up and I was headed straight on for a tree in the median. I guess my foot got heavy while I was sleeping because I remember the speedometer reading 40 mph. So I turn the wheel hard. I'm too close to the tree to avoid it completely so I catch it with the side of my car. I spin around and around and end up about 100 yards (I guess) down the median on the other side of the tree. I called Scott earlier cause I was kinda lost (it was raining earlier and I couldn't find any landmarks) and Portsmouth is his stomping grounds. So I called him again because he was all like if you need something let me know. When I hit this tree, I hadn't eaten or drank anything since Monday afternoon. And I hit the tree at 1:26 am Wednesday morning. (Please don't ask me why I noticed the time.) So I could sense that I was okay but I wasn't really in the car. I was quite out of it. So I called him because it just seemed like the right thing to do. He asked all the appropiate questions (is the car stuck, are you ok, did you hit your head). He then told me to go home NOW, and so after I drove back towards the tree and picked up my hubcap (I bent the hubcap of the driverside front wheel) I did what he said and went home. Called my mama and woke her up to tell her. She told me to come home and hung up. No questions from her. I went home, went to sleep and then to school. I went to school where they informed me that I was going to be doing independent study for my English class from now on. So basically they stuck me in a room by myself for and hour and a half where all I had to think about is how I could have died and how everyone was so indifferent to that. And how I wasn't so sure I was glad that I woke up when I did. Ten seconds later...

I started to cry and get very upset. My math teacher had me go to the office and I just couldn't stop. I'm guessing because of my history, they put me out until I could get a note from a doctor saying I wasn't a threat to myself or others. My mom took me to the ER and I just froze on the inside. Honestly, my mama's being a RN is what kept me from being admitted. That scared me so bad. I'm so afraid of losing my free will, my voice. A part of me died Wednesday.

I called Andrew because I really needed to talk to someone who'd have a snowball's chance in hell of understanding. But once again, the fact that I have no true friends was made startlingly clear.

I'm scared. Scared to think, or speak for fear that it'll be twisted and I'll be put away. No one really gets it and I can't really explain it anymore. I'm so lonely and just in so much pain. And so I cut myself to feel better. And when I can't cut, I starve myself. I'm fully aware that no matter how much I cut or starve myself, I'm never going to be pretty enough or just plain enough to have any true friends that care about me. I know that. But I still hope. If I could talk to my "friends" when I was lonely or sad or feeling hopeless it might be different. But I can't. They can talk to me though. I guess I just don't deserve support.

I haven't been to school since they sent me home Wednesday. I got a note from the ER doctor referring me to a shrink, but the school wants me to see the shrink before I can go back. They set me up with an office that works in pyschiatrist/pyschologist teams. I'm going to be medicated. I'll lose my personality because I'll be coked outta my head. That makes me so sad but at the same time I just can't care about it anymore. I see them tomorrow. I'll probably be forced to go to the counseling person for a while.

That was my week.

Saturday, October 21, 2006


.....I could say a lot of things, but I'm not sure any of them would be the right thing to say at this point in time. I'm not sure anything is right anymore. I have no control over my own life. It's not my own. I am helpless. The world is so big and there are so many people in it. And not a single one has time for me. I'm trying my hardest to make that ok and I can't do it. Man was not meant to live alone, trapped in their own thoughts. I have to go to work today. And I just want to drive off and never come back. And yet I won't because I have responsibilities to people. And I try to keep my word and my promises. It's times like these that make me wish I could meet people like myself. Yes I hate myself but at least I have some integrity. That's a lost thing nowadays....integrity. Or maybe I'm just a lost person. Maybe this place isn't where I'm meant to be. Maybe that's why I drift among everyone else insulated in myself.

Saturday, October 14, 2006

You always know

That you suck.

but you try to hide it from yourself because you just aren't sure that you do. You want to believe that you don't.

I'm tired.

Of being overtalkative. Loud. Undependable.

I just don't like being me anymore. It makes me sad. Horribly sad.

Thursday, October 12, 2006


Ok, so I'm trying to get in a few college visits. As far as NYU goes, I need to see if I can contact some friends on mine in DC and see if I can't stay with them and just take the train up. But my school is making some trips to VA colleges so I'll be able to see if I want another backup.

Scott's not moving to New York. I'm not entirely sure how he feels about this since he's not really talking to me. Could be he's doing his withdrawal thing that he does from time to time. Or it could some girl he's met. He seemed excited/apprehensive about it. Like I said, I have no clue how he's feeling or thinking because we don't talk all that much. He is vouching for me with Farm Fresh which I'm grateful for. This whole withdrawal thingy smells entirely too much like the Jason situation. Which I'm not down for AT ALL. I WILL NOT go through that with another friend. Just won't. Not that I want to be all up in his face or whatever. It's just that something seems to be bothering him and I've neither been told no there isn't or yes there is but it's done of your damn business. I don't like being unsure when dealing with people. It ultimately ends up with everyone mad at you cause you fucked up.

Someone is stealing from Sonic. Right now it looks like it's me. I don't steal, but until Glen can get ahold of corporate and confirm that, I'm stuck. Hence the job search. I'm not too sad over it. I hated Sonic. With a passion that burned like me for HIM. Yes, HE found a way to creep into this post. Deal with it. And wish me luck on the new job hunt.

100 thoughts about college

I think it's quite fitting that my 100th post (yes it is the 100th) is about college. Especially since I honestly do have about 100 thoughts in my head racing around about college. I've made a few decisions and finally started applying. (I know, I know. I finally got off my lazy ass. Trust and believe my momma is dancing harder than all yall.) I know I want to work with kids, but I'm not sure exactly how I want to work with them. So I'm applying to a few colleges in big cities and majoring in either Sociology or Child Development/Psychology and then working with children in the area until I'm sure what I wanna do. Then I'd just get into a graduate program for that. The list of lucky schools is as follows.

  • New York University
  • University of California San Diego campus
  • University of Minnesota Twin Cities campus
  • Old Dominion University
ODU is my fallback. I might apply to JMU or another VA college. We'll see after the college visit. I'm deathly afraid of not finishing these applications on time. Whoever wrote these damn things is a sick, twisted bastard. But it's ok. It's all ok. I'm excited and yet nervous at the same time. But at least I'm no longer apathetic about it. I'm still a bit depressed but I'm trying to ignore it since my friends aren't all that helpful. I'm just going to push through it.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

CATS!!!....and other shit

No this isn't about the Broadway musical. That sorta gives me the creeps. No, I'm talking about the ones we skinned in Anatomy. It was so much fun. That's morbid and gruesome. But it was still fun.

I'm so in over my head. I'm not sure how I figured I'd help Becca out while I don't really have a handle on myself but somehow I managed it. I really hope she keeps going in the right direction with that. Privacy is dead. So is chivalry and goodwill. And me hopefully one day soon. God, Buddha, Yahweh, and the Fates willing.

I can't help myself. I wish I could but I can't. HE used to help me, but we don't talk anymore and I'm so lost. I need my best friend back.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

You Can't Finish Last Place if You Never Finish At All

Last night's post was a tad unfinished but I guess I dozed off or what have you. I'm quite lazy an dhave a tendency not to follow through on a lot of things. The loneliness consumes my piece of mind. Just eats it right up. I hate to cry and yet I do it with alarming frequency.

Yesterday I saw Holly's mom in the parking lot of Home Depot as I was going in there to buy a new knife(I lost mine.) We had a nice chat while she blocked the parking aisle about responsibility and how some of us have it and some of us just don't. I'm sure responsible people don't cut themselves or even dream of it as I do, but then again it didn't come up so let's not go borrowing trouble.

I really really do miss HIS friendship. I miss feeling safe and liked. I miss being held.

Monday, October 09, 2006

I Hate Everything

No amount of self-mutilation is going to make me feel pretty enough to be accepted by anybody. No matter how often I tell myself this it doesn't seem to make it easier to live with myself. I hate who I am. Completely. I have no friends. I'm too fat, too ugly, and I basically have no talent that makes people want to be my friend. There's nothing cool about me. There's nothing that can tempt people to me long enough to get them to like me.

I miss my friendship with HIM. I used to have someone I could call when I was feeling bad. And now I'm just alone. Forever alone. I miss having friends. But people move on and have better lives without me cause I'm not the nicest person alive. In fact I'm horrible.

Saturday, October 07, 2006


I forgot two things.
First, the song I posted in the blog titled .... is a song by the band Everclear.
Second, or more like first actually, I've started another blog just for my essays.

Here's the link: http//writingsonthewallessays.blogspot.com

It would mean something to me if you all could read and give me some feedback.

Ha ha

Sometimes I amuse myself.

I've discovered a new band for me to like. Creature Feature. Yum yum dead goodness.

Within the next week, hopefully, I shall be incorporating some of Answers.com's nifty blog tools. They will help you guys have some semblance of a clue.

Monday, October 02, 2006


"Hey, ain't life wonderful? Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful... Isn't it wonderful now?"

I close my eyes when I get too sad
I think thoughts that I know are bad
Close my eyes and I count to ten
Hope it's over when I open them

I want the things that I had before
Like a Star Wars poster on my bedroom door
I wish I could count to ten
Make everything be wonderful again

Hope my mom and I hope my dad
Will figure out why they get so mad
Hear them scream, I hear them fight
They say bad words that make me wanna cry

Close my eyes when I go to bed
And I dream of angels who make me smile
I feel better when I hear them say
Everything will be wonderful someday

Promises mean everything when you're little
And the world's so big
I just don't understand how
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes
Tell me everything is wonderful now

Please don't tell me everything is wonderful now

I go to school and I run and play
I tell the kids that it's all okay
I laugh aloud so my friends won't know
When the bell rings I just don't wanna go home

Go to my room and I close my eyes
I make believe that I have a new life
I don't believe you when you say
Everything will be wonderful someday

Promises mean everything when you're little
And the world is so big
I just don't understand how
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes
When you tell me everything is wonderful now

No, I don't wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now
No, I don't wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now

I don't wanna hear you say
That I will understand someday
No, no, no, no
I don't wanna hear you say
You both have grown in a different way
No, no, no, no
I don't wanna meet your friends
And I don't wanna start over again
I just want my life to be the same
Just like it used to be
Some days I hate everything
I hate everything
Everyone and everything
Please don't tell me everything is wonderful now...

I don't wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now

Sunday, October 01, 2006


I'm not as sick of the status quo as I like to think that I am. After all, if I were, I'd like to think I would have changed it by now. So, I guess I'm quite complacent and I just don't know it.

I have been reassured of something recently so that's good I guess. It's good to be aware of stuff. Also it makes it easier to share things with you guys. You three lone people. I haven't met anyone through this particular blog. I do tons of things that should result in stables of new friends and I still end up lonely. Cause apparently I'm a bitch. But if being honest makes me a bitch then I'm not changing for anyone. Cause I enjoy being a bitch. So yeah. Suck it.

There's this cute guy. His name is Brandon. I wasn't upfront with him and so he's not speaking to me. And I'm saddened by this because he was cute and funny and really easy to talk to. I haven't known him very long at all, but based on our few conversations, I really want to get to know him better. And I fucked that up. Much like I fuck up everything else.

I've made an important college decision. I'm going to get an apartment and go straight to work. To allow myself and my mother to save up more money so she can get some bills paid up. We were in no way shape or form prepared for a rainy day such as this. A couple of thousand dollars worth of bills got slammed on my mother from hidden credit cards my father got. So I'm just going to wait.