It's actually happening

So our move in date is September 6th. It's finally happening. I'm moving out of my parents' home. I'm living on my own for the first time ever. It's......it's scary, it's exciting, it's amazing. I'm really looking forward to it. Mom isn't but then again she doesn't have to. She didn't expect me to move so quickly. Well not move but get things movin' so quickly. I'm ready. I'm in a good place and I'm ready to move away from my parents. The atmosphere in the house is just.....I can't live here anymore. It hurts my heart that that's what it is, but life happens.

This weekend was good. Apparently I got beyond plastered Saturday. And apparently I get violent. I know I like to drunk dial and they wouldn't let me. So maybe that explains some of the behavior. I know I couldn't stand up straight. It was.....wild. Andrew has some bruises. For shame.

Some clarity and some concerns

Not just for whatever few readers I have, but for myself I need to really just lay some things out.

I went to the hospital late Saturday night/early Sunday morning. I had a severe migraine and a prolonged anxiety attack. I got dizzy, I'm pretty sure I blacked out for a few seconds. I remember my speech being a little slurred and just not being able to say what I wanted. I knew it but I couldn't get it out. It was scary and painful. I had dropped Andrew off at home and was unable to drive myself home. He didn't know I was ill and so he'd been drinking. It got to the point where I needed to go to the ER and Andrew couldn't drive me. It took about 3 hours to reach my mom. I didn't want to call an ambulance because I didn't want Tricare deciding I could have figured out a way there and charging me for it. I've learned from previous experience with Dad that it can be expensive. She came and got me and I went and they put drugs in me and sent me home. I missed work on Sunday.

It was so scary. Based on what happened to me I honestly think I had a small stroke. That's just going on what I know based on experience with my family and first aid training. When I pair that with some basic googling I did, I'm scared.

I'm crying too much to finish this now. Later.

TIE-Yurd

Woah man am I beat. IVs suck ass. I mean fat ass. I went shopping with Drew for prom stuff and ended up horribly sick. I had to go to the hospital. He felt bad about the fact that he couldn't drive me because he'd started drinking earlier when he thought I left after dropping him off. That's really my fault though because I should have told him I was feeling so bad. Mom had to come get me because I couldn't drive.

There's a couple of people I have to talk to. Get my life back in order and all that jazz. Prom is stressful.

Only in my house

Last night. Or Monday morning to be as accurate as possible. It was around one am. I'd been upstairs looking for a flash drive so I could set up the new wireless network since I can't seem to find all the right codes to access the one we have here. Plus I figure if I set it up then I'll just know everything and can get everyone on track. We have two desktops and two laptops, it'd be nice if everyone could get online at the same time. Anyway, I come downstairs after doing that to just hack into my neighbor's wireless and show some love to my new laptop, which I'm on, and my mother is in the kitchen. She is making (and drinking) mimosas. At one in the morning.

Only at my house. Only at my house.

Polite Joy isn't awake at seven in the morning

Today was interesting. HE imed me after sending a couple emails. I went upstairs after pouring myself a big ole Long Island Ice Tea. I fall asleep before I can finish it. I wake up and I'm like ok so it's 7, almost 8 am. I'll finish this off and get up in an hour, down a gallon of water and be good to drive Matt to his orthodontist appt. at 10. While I drive drunk, I don't drive drunk with family in the car. Not even five minutes later, Mom calls. She needs me to come pick her up because the van broke down. So I down water, I mean chug it like a champ. I drive out there and she's ungrateful as hell. Which I didn't appreciate considering driving drunk is one thing but driving hung over is quite another. I don't like driving hung over. Left me a killer headache for the rest of the day. She comes home and bitches about my sailr mouth and my attitude. Of course I wasn't going to tell her that I was drunk. That's no good. But still. She never said thank you. And that's mean. She took up my whole day. I don't mind but she could be grateful.

Musings of a Sunday eve

The one true source of protection you have these days is yourself. I hate to sound cynical, but maybe that's just how I am. Is that a bad thing? Is it dangerous to have your guard up against attack? No, I don't think so. I think it's good to be wary.

I thought I'd met a nice new guy and I was wrong. He basically sees me as an easy lay. And he comes off as unbalanced. And he's not him. So yeah. Lost cause. I'd hate for him to end up as someone who thinks they can call me only when they're horny. Because that's not me at all. I'm not meant to be casual about sex. I don't like to be. I'm NOT. I need someone caring and deep about me. I need emotion. I crave it. I'm a hugging kind of girl. The best sound to fall asleep to is the heartbeat of someone you love. I love strong arms and big hands. Kisses on the forehead. I'm not willing to settle for anything less.

Speaking of things that I like and I don't like, I don't like the nausea, migraines, chest pains, and muscles aches that I've been experiencing for about the past week. It's a crap shoot whether or not I keep food down. I just want to snuggle up with someone and be taken care of, but I hate pity so that's a no go. I don't like that I'm even thinking of cutting again. I really don't like the fact I had the knife to my flesh. He'd be SO disappointed. But then again I never really stopped for myself, it was for him. Well both. He was happier when I was taking care of myself and I didn't want to burden him. He looked so sad everytime he saw fresh cuts. It about broke my heart. But he cared all the same. Bless him. I also don't like the fact that I took a drink the last time Stephen was over here. He's a great friend though. He didn't get mad at me. Just looked at me with a very sad look. Asked me if anything was wrong; if I was ok. I lied and said I was just tired. It's not like he's just kickin' it at home though. He's got family stuff and girlfriend & company issues. Not to mention the high school-you're going to be a senior-lock in the rest of your life already drama. (It is in fact drama.) I just don't want to dump that on him.

I have sharing issues.

I miss just being friends with him. If everyone can just quit screwing it up, maybe I'll get that back before school starts. So I can start off strong.

Like I told my buddy Steve about relationships with certain people....it looks like a damn train wreck from the outside, but straight in the middle, where no one can really see, it's a pinprick of heaven. You deal with the cuts and the scrapes and the burns for that spot of heaven.

I guess I'm depressed

I'm not sure what else you call laying on the couch crying in broad daylight. I just hate....well everything. Lots of people, a handful of places, and a couple dozen things. When you write it out like that, it's not really everything. I'm just too....eh to write anything else. Might go for a drive to clear my head of some of this frustration. Or save money and grab a drink. Or just sleep. Who knows?

Letters and Phone Calls

So a few days ago, I wrote letters to Andrew and Devin telling them I couldn't have them in my life anymore. I have no extra energy for one-sided relationships. Not anymore. Ever since Dad got sick, my whole family structure has been rearranged. Nothing's really the same. It never will be again. I need to start looking out for myself. No one else is going to. And it's not their job too. Andrew called me today. The only reason I picked up the phone is because I know he hasn't gotten the letter yet. (I mailed it on a Saturday afternoon and he went home for a visit on Monday.) Across town or not, I know it's sitting there for him to read. I told him about it and said if he had any thoughts about it he could call me when he got home. Didn't want to take the edge off of his happy. We'll see what happens with that. I simply can't wait for the i'm-gonna-kill-myself-now-and-i-love-love-love-you-and-this-doesn't-surprise-me-i'm-the-
fuckup-everyone-always-leaves-that's-why-my-mom-gave-me-up-why-don't-i-just-stab-myself-
would-you-love-me-then? phone call I KNOW I'll get once he gets his letter. He being Devin. Whatever. I can't be concerned with his stuff anymore. If he wants to throw his life away that's his business. I'm not going to let him drag me down alongside him though. I suppose whatever tiny bit of friendship I ever had with Andrew could be salvageable, but can I afford to put that much work into something that hasn't worked yet? I'm tired of caring about someone that can't be bothered to tell me when they have to have their stomach pumped. I don't have the energy. Who knows? We'll see later. Just not now. I have exams to fail. Because I'm stupid. I could study, but discrete math....I'm not passing that shit. Not to sure about the others either.

By the way, tomorrow, I have my road test. My mother at first signed for the school to keep my damn 90 temp license. If she didn't provoke me, I wouldn't do things like get out of the car in traffic and walk down the street. (I've only done it twice.) But we finally agreed on me getting it and bringing it home and giving it to her to hold until the end of the week. But I have to be good from now until then. Gah. I just want to be able to go grab Starbucks or Sonic when I'm enraged. Or something since eating like that will definately make me fat again. My "anger" issues are a side effect of my untreated depression. Which I just don't have the time to treat. I've got a full plate of activities to make up for the slacking I did this year in extracirriculars because of the suspension. It'd be a lot worse if I were drinking heavily like I was before. I'd be running people over with the car instead of getting out of it and walking away from an arguement. Bleh, whatever.

Look at the time........happy motherfucking birthday. I'm grabbing some vodka, I need to fall asleep before 4 in the morning. Or maybe I'll take a vicodin. Or perhaps both. I dunno, I'll figure something out, I need sleep like a hooker needs a douche.