A great job oppourtunity has come up. It pays 8.10 an hour and can turn into a live in position in August which is when I need to move out.
On the other hand, still no period yet. And no money for a pregnancy test. I have an appointment either the 13th or 16th....but that's a bit long to wait. I've felt like shit lately. The heat is ridiculous. Just straight up awful.
Not just for whatever few readers I have, but for myself I need to really just lay some things out.
I went to the hospital late Saturday night/early Sunday morning. I had a severe migraine and a prolonged anxiety attack. I got dizzy, I'm pretty sure I blacked out for a few seconds. I remember my speech being a little slurred and just not being able to say what I wanted. I knew it but I couldn't get it out. It was scary and painful. I had dropped Andrew off at home and was unable to drive myself home. He didn't know I was ill and so he'd been drinking. It got to the point where I needed to go to the ER and Andrew couldn't drive me. It took about 3 hours to reach my mom. I didn't want to call an ambulance because I didn't want Tricare deciding I could have figured out a way there and charging me for it. I've learned from previous experience with Dad that it can be expensive. She came and got me and I went and they put drugs in me and sent me home. I missed work on Sunday.
It was so scary. Based on what happened to me I honestly think I had a small stroke. That's just going on what I know based on experience with my family and first aid training. When I pair that with some basic googling I did, I'm scared.
I'm crying too much to finish this now. Later.
Woah man am I beat. IVs suck ass. I mean fat ass. I went shopping with Drew for prom stuff and ended up horribly sick. I had to go to the hospital. He felt bad about the fact that he couldn't drive me because he'd started drinking earlier when he thought I left after dropping him off. That's really my fault though because I should have told him I was feeling so bad. Mom had to come get me because I couldn't drive.
There's a couple of people I have to talk to. Get my life back in order and all that jazz. Prom is stressful.
I care, so why can't I share? I don't understand it. I like to talk. Love it actually. But when it comes to telling the people I care about that I'm struggling, I can't seem to really do it. At least not directly. I'm not sure why that is. I think it's that I don't want to hurt feelings. How do you step to someone and say, I feel abandoned. Don't they feel hurt? Especially if they feel like lately they've been doing great as far as supporting you goes.
When I'm in pain is when it bothers me the most to hurt others. But that doesn't help me. I feel like I'm bleeding on the inside. I hurt. Not just emotionally, but it's coming out physically. I have back pain and wretched leg cramps. It hurts to walk and it hurts to sit. So basically I can lay down and sleep. And I'm so so so awesomely tired. And my stomach is just constantly churning. I feel and I'm sure look like shit.
I'm mad and I'm sick and both are my faults. I'm sick of the lack of respect or recognition. And I'm physically sick. And I hate it. I don't ever get any of his attention unless he needs something. And it's the same way with my parents. And I hate it. (Hate is a recurring theme in this post can ya tell?) It just doesn't make any sense that this is how people feel they should treat me. It's really upsetting and I hate it. It's like no matter how hard I work, my mother is still cranky and bitchy and Andrew is still exhausted and unhappy. Nothing I do ever has any real effect on anyone. It sucks. Because it makes me feel useless. Not completely useless, but unhelpful to the people that matter to me and that's a little upsetting. What's also upsetting is that I can't seem to get any care. I give it but I do NOT receive it in the slightest. Like I've been hacking up a lung for the longest and all anyone can really seem to care about is how it's going to affect them. Which is the world's biggest load of shit. The absolute biggest.
It's the end of the quarter, I have an EKG Monday, I was at the hospital all day yesterday, there's PRIDE stuff and friend stuff and I am swamped.
So things have sorta been blech since Saturday. I told you I was feeling crappy but I didn't tell you why.
Basically to cut it short, Dad told us to rake the leaves and we weren't doing it the way he wanted us to. So he screamed obscenities at us out of the window for about three hours.
Interesting I know.
Tonight his blood sugar was unusually high (186) compared to what he ate (nothing since lunch).
He's more disorientated and I just... I'm afraid. Worried. If something goes wrong while I'm here and I screw up, I'd never forgive myself. My heart is racing and my head hurts and so does my stomach. I'm in pain. A great deal of pain.
THE FRAY
How To Save A Life
Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
BONNIE TYLER
Total Eclipse Of The Heart
(Turn around)
Every now and then
I get a little bit lonely
And you're never coming round
(Turn around)
Every now and then
I get a little bit tired
Of listening to the sound of my tears
(Turn around)
Every now and then
I get a little bit nervous
That the best of all the years have gone by
(Turn around)
Every now and then I get a little bit terrified
And then I see the look in your eyes
(Turn Around, bright eyes)
Every now and then I fall apart
(Turn Around, bright eyes)
Every now and then
I fall apart
(Turn around)
Every now and then
I get a little bit restless
And I dream of something wild
(Turn around)
Every now and then
I get a little bit helpless
And I'm lying like a child in your arms
(Turn around)
Every now and then
I get a little bit angry
And I know I've got to get out and cry
(Turn around)
Every now and then
I get a little bit terrified
But then I see the look in your eyes
(Turn Around, bright eyes)
Every now and then
I fall apart
Turn around, bright eyes
Every now and then
I fall apart
And I need you now tonight
And I need you more than ever
And if you only hold me tight
We'll be holding on forever
And we'll only be making it right
'Cause we'll never be wrong
Together we can take it to the end of the line
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time
(All of the time)
I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark
We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks
I really need you tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight
(Forever's gonna start tonight)
Once upon a time
I was falling in love
But now I'm only falling apart
There's nothing I can do
A total eclipse of the heart
Once upon a time there was light in my life
But now there's only love in the dark
Nothing I can say
A total eclipse of the heart
[Instrumental Interlude]
(Turn Around, bright eyes)
(Turn Around, bright eyes)
(Turn around)
Every now and then
I know you'll never be the boy
You always wanted to be
(Turn around)
But every now and then
I know you'll always be the only boy
Who wanted me the way that I am
(Turn around)
Every now and then
I know there's no one in the universe
As magical and wondrous as you
(Turn around)
Every now and then
I know there's nothing any better
There's nothing that I just wouldn't do
(Turn Around, bright eyes)
Every now and then I fall apart
(Turn Around, bright eyes)
Every now and then I fall apart
And I need you now tonight
And I need you more than ever
And if you only hold me tight
We'll be holding on forever
And we'll only be making it right
'Cause we'll never be wrong
Together we can take it to the end of the line
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time
(All of the time)
I don't know what to do
I'm always in the dark
Living in a powder keg and giving off sparks
I really need you tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight
(Forever's gonna start tonight)
Once upon a time I was
I was falling in love
But now I'm only falling apart
There's nothing I can do
A total eclipse of the heart
Once upon a time there was light in my life
But now there's only love in the dark
Nothing I can say
A total eclipse of the heart
A total eclipse of the heart
A total eclipse of the heart
(Turn Around, bright eyes)
(Turn Around, bright eyes)
(Turn around)
Wow....that's something I really can't stand. People that are into smoke and mirror shit. It'd be nice to talk to you face to face. To thank you for your kind words and so on and so forth. But eh.
My heart's been beating unusually fast lately. Like I'll just be sitting and I'll feel it speed up. It scares me and my breathing changes. I went and babysat tonight and when I came home I just laid on my mom's bed and tried not to hyperventilate. Things got kinda dark, like someone dimmed the lights. And next thing I know I'm waking up. It's weird. I don't feel right. My head's been killing me all day and my neck was so sore and achy this morning I couldn't move it. I had to go to the nurse and just lie down with an ice pack on my neck cause it hurt so bad. Needless to say I called out of working at Sonic. I just can't run back and forth like that with my neck like this. I feel nauseated and just rotten. Maybe I'm dehydrated. I don't know. What I do know is that all the feel good feelings from my week off are gone. I'm tired and I feel like shit now. Again.
Oh mystery person, it's anatomy not biology. If you know me so well, get your facts together.
I didn't make the step team. Go figure. But it's okay. I tried out because I wanted to try a new thing. I wasn't laid out in the nurse's office crying over it. That's a bit much. I've worn shades to school for the past two days to combat a migraine headache that has been my buddy since Sunday. People crack jokes, but then again people are always laughing at me so no surprise there. None at all.
No one calls me anymore. I'm lonely. Yes I spend a lot of time doing homework or working or doing extracurriculars but I feel like I'm just drifting along in a sea of people by myself. And it would be nice if someone could email me for a change. Or when they talk to me, not make it seem as if I'm a last thought. I miss those days of falling asleep on the phone with someone because they cared enough to talk to me at two in the morning when I was feeling bad and couldn't sleep. I miss feeling like people actually like me.
Someone recently exposed the stupidity of not going to the doctor since last November to me. All I can say is I have no time so either make my dad well and go work a shift at Sonic for me so I can breathe or shut the fuck up about it. Shutting the fuck up seems to be the least expensive bet.
I feel all panicky. Like the slightest thing could send my heart racing. I'm not sure if it's because of my mounting loneliness and dissatisfaction with the status quo or the diet pills I started taking again. But my chest really hurts and so does my stomach. Not to mention I just feel jumpy and uncomfortable.
Something wicked this way comes...
I was sick today. I went to school. I slept and slept. And hacked and wheezed and felt like crud. But I was in school. Why you ask? So I could go to my extracirrculars. I went and for what? People talked at both of them the whole time. The entire time. It was fuckin' ridiculous. Truly. But it was still fun. I mean after all how can it not be? It's SCA and PRIDE. They're always fun. Except for days like today where you go to Chick-Fil-A with PRIDE kids after practice and lock your keys in the car. And find this out after everyone leaves and they're closing Chick-Fil-A down. That just sucks.
I'm allergic to cigarette smoke. But because I hate for people to not LOVE me, I have let someone smoke in my car. And he's been a shithead about holding/funneling the smoke out of the window. So my throat is swollen. Not because of any virus but because I'm having an allergic reaction. boo.
First football game of the season tonight. We won. Beat up Hampton. My baby brother started. Number 62. I hate him but I'm proud of him.
Dinner afterwards with Becca, Courtney, and China was FUN, FUN, FUN.
So it's about midnight. I was sleeping but I woke up to take out my contacts. Decided to get up and print off something to take into Government tomorrow. I love our discussions. I could argue politics and the state of the nation with Ben and David all day. Lauren too. I feel teribly. I'm not sure if it's because I'm tired or not. I can't remember eating dinner, but I've been arguing with my brother all evening about why I'm not at his beck and call as far as rides are concerned. (Someone lied to this poor boy and told him that since his sister got her license, he will always have his own personal ride and he will never have to carpool again. How sad.) After a couple of rounds of that, I slept the sleep of the dead and then woke up, so I'm a little disorientated. This all translates into me not being able to remember dinner if I had it. I don't want to eat in case I did because that's extra calories that I don't need. But I am hungry and perhaps a little weak from that. Ooo. Bad wording. I KNOW I'm a little (a lotta) weak. I'm just not sure why. I'm going to lay down before I throw up.
To everyone who's blog I read:
I don't remember most of your links off the top of my head. Once I get my laptop back, I will read up and comment on backposts.
I spent today in bed.
Scott's bed to be more exact.
I laughed, got screwed to the seventh level of heaven, cuddled, gave (in my opinion) great head, and slept. I got a nice back rub too.
It was a lazy day and it was a good day. I got there early enough to wake up his mama (she was grateful though cause she'd overslept) and just crawled into bed with him till I felt like being awake. Which was about five minutes later since he sleeps in the nude and was sportin' MASSIVE morning wood. The typical day insued. Homewreckers is a funny show. Very funny. I'd kill the "friend" that set me up like that though. Like seriously, someone would be looking for body parts. Reversing those pranks must cost a shitload of money. I like his house. It's cozy and it's got this rambling effect going for it. Like you KNOW people have lived there for like ever. I like his bed cause oftentimes, he's in it. And he has cool The Nightmare Before Christmas sheets. But mostly cause he's in it. It was a nice relaxing day. A good one. I have inside jokes I can laugh out loud at in Wal-Mart when I'm there at two in the morning. (It helps keep away the pervs.)
There was the monkey wrench that not eating, taking a diet pill with a shitload of caffiene(sp?), exerting an EXTREME amount of energy, and being in a HOT room is. But despite that, it was a good day and I'd do it again. I mean I left the house around nine and didn't get home until after six. If Dad didn't need his meds, there's a good chance I'd still be over there. (I like how I'm the only one that can do that by the way.) I really had no other reason to leave. I'm still feeling a little shaky so I'm going to work on that summer AP Gov work, I STILL DON'T HAVE DONE. This shit IS NOT going to be finished by next week. Bad way to start off the school year. Bad. Back to work I go though.
My breasts are mega sore on top of everything else. Boo. That makes me sad. Not to mention I can't lay down on my stomach.
The one true source of protection you have these days is yourself. I hate to sound cynical, but maybe that's just how I am. Is that a bad thing? Is it dangerous to have your guard up against attack? No, I don't think so. I think it's good to be wary.
I thought I'd met a nice new guy and I was wrong. He basically sees me as an easy lay. And he comes off as unbalanced. And he's not him. So yeah. Lost cause. I'd hate for him to end up as someone who thinks they can call me only when they're horny. Because that's not me at all. I'm not meant to be casual about sex. I don't like to be. I'm NOT. I need someone caring and deep about me. I need emotion. I crave it. I'm a hugging kind of girl. The best sound to fall asleep to is the heartbeat of someone you love. I love strong arms and big hands. Kisses on the forehead. I'm not willing to settle for anything less.
Speaking of things that I like and I don't like, I don't like the nausea, migraines, chest pains, and muscles aches that I've been experiencing for about the past week. It's a crap shoot whether or not I keep food down. I just want to snuggle up with someone and be taken care of, but I hate pity so that's a no go. I don't like that I'm even thinking of cutting again. I really don't like the fact I had the knife to my flesh. He'd be SO disappointed. But then again I never really stopped for myself, it was for him. Well both. He was happier when I was taking care of myself and I didn't want to burden him. He looked so sad everytime he saw fresh cuts. It about broke my heart. But he cared all the same. Bless him. I also don't like the fact that I took a drink the last time Stephen was over here. He's a great friend though. He didn't get mad at me. Just looked at me with a very sad look. Asked me if anything was wrong; if I was ok. I lied and said I was just tired. It's not like he's just kickin' it at home though. He's got family stuff and girlfriend & company issues. Not to mention the high school-you're going to be a senior-lock in the rest of your life already drama. (It is in fact drama.) I just don't want to dump that on him.
I have sharing issues.
I miss just being friends with him. If everyone can just quit screwing it up, maybe I'll get that back before school starts. So I can start off strong.
Like I told my buddy Steve about relationships with certain people....it looks like a damn train wreck from the outside, but straight in the middle, where no one can really see, it's a pinprick of heaven. You deal with the cuts and the scrapes and the burns for that spot of heaven.
