Jumbled minds

There's Dad stuff and growing up stuff and Andrew stuff and apartment stuff all jumbled around in my head. I'm a touch tired. I want to be able to say what I want to say about all of these different things, but I don't even know how to word things. So I can't write about life matters if I can't even think them out in my head. And that's frustrating. Because I want to be able to think them out. It's not sad, it just is.

I've made a decision concerning Nick. I'd like to talk to him about it first, but I'll discuss it here later. I know some people are looking forward to it. I considered your advice quite heavily people let me tell you. Yall made me think. Although Mama summed it up pretty well. Mama is the shit. Fo' sho.

Life is like a blender

Things are constantly being mixed up. Constantly. There is no safe haven. No niche where everything will stay unchanged for the rest of forever. None. I have done a lot of growing up in a short amount of time. I have to do a lot more growing up in an even shorter amount of time. It's a lot but I think I can do it. I have to be able to do it. There's lives at stake that are dependent on me pulling my shit together.

You may now address me as Madame Graduate

As of Friday, I am a high school graduate. I'm not the first person in my family to graduate nor will I be the last. I didn't graduate with honors. I got through it despite extreme emotional turmoil. A lot of the drama I had to deal with would have killed some people. I've cried more over the past two years than I had in the sixteen years that came before it. It was rough. But I did it.

Rebecca, Tim, Andrew, my two sisters, my little brother, and my parents were there. That's right, my parents. My daddy not only came but he got dressed up. Andrew wore a suit. It was......crazy. I was so happy. And everyone was happy for me.

After graduation, we all went to Olive Garden. My sister and her son (my nephew obviously) are EXTREMELY charismatic and so we all laughed throughout the whole dinner. Everyone was smiling and happy and it was great for me. It made me so happy.

After that, all the family went back to the house and my three friends and I went out to see Ocean's Thirteen. The movie was fun and so are they. And Andrew's new car is gonna be bitchin'. There are so many inside jokes from that day now. And it came out that a lot of things are changing. Tim is partying less and staying focused on his grind. BeccaMarie (inside joke) is so much closer to loving herself and Andrew is happier now. He's so much more like the man I met almost two years ago.

Friday was wonderful.

Things that stress me out

I made a list at work to try and get an idea of what I can change and what I can work on. Here it is. The list is in no particular order. Just how they came to my head.

• Andrew visiting Kelly for a week out of the blue
• prom expenses
• having fun @ prom
• money in general (bills, tuition, gifts)
• keeping my job
• losing weight
• Dad's health
• graduation
• Dad's temper
• my health
• strokes
• Andrew going camping w/ Melissa
• buying a new car
• moving out
• Stephen moving out for the summer
• Becca cutting
• taking summer classes
• passing summer classes
• Dad's spending habits
• Andrew's injuries
• the car I drive now
• health/car insurance
• getting to know Nick
• Devin's wedding in August
• my 18th B-day

It's kinda long.

when we shatter we form pretty patterns on the sidewalk

Well......just well. Since the last time I wrote I have talked much with many people. Actually I haven't really. I stil haven't completely tackled the way I let Stever down and I might not for a while. But it's out there and I feel a little less fake. And that's a good thing. Being or feeling fake is neither fun nor easy.

I like my job. It fits me. It's about the only thing that actually does. But hey it's still something. I just have to be on time. Being on time is going to be the bane of my existence. Truly it is. But I shall do it. It's going to take work.

As usual Andrew is Andrew. And things with Andrew are things with Andrew. I don't like them but I don't hate them either. They just are. It's the way my life has always been. Things just are. I can't have any control over anything because everyone else has to have it.

There are more and more instances popping up where I wish I was a little less stupid. A little smarter. Better. I just want to be better. Less of a slut. Less of an idiot. Less of a bad daughter. You know, despite my many many complaints, I love my parents. I'd just like to be right once in a while. I'd like to do/say the right thing. I'd like just for once to be looked at as right. Maybe I never will. That's depressing when you think about it. Which is why I don't. At least I try not to. But every now and again it pops up.

wishes

I wish I were strong enough to approach everyone I've ever disappointed and say I'm sorry. I'm so incredibly sorry. I mean it. Can't you tell I mean it?

I know I've always fallen short. And I know I've lied. And I know I've been selfish. But damn it I'm sorry. I really am.

While I do hate you, you're a part of me

I discovered today that while my father is a selfish, childish man; he can be easily manipulated as children often are. I acted like the adult with him and so he acted like the child. It was secretely rewarding for me. He didn't yell while I drove him around today he just kinda nodded off in the corner. That was good for me. That and the sun. It boosts my mood.

The title refers to the fact that my father and I have similarities no matter how much I hate it. Not only do I get my anger and my dysfunctionality from him, but we both have the same zest for shopping. I bought a pair of gorgeous pumps today. They're divine. Simply divine.

I'm beginning to hate you

Really. I'm not kidding. You're pissing me off. Stop yelling at me. I haven't done SHIT to you, motherfucking. I'm not scared of you anymore I'm just annoyed. You're a sorry fucking excuse for a man. All you do is spend all of your money while your wife struggles to pay the bills you ran up. Stop yelling at me for no fucking reason. Stop thinking the worst of me. Just leave me alone damn it.

I have a million things I could be doing but I have to get this out

Last Saturday I got a reply to a Craigslist ad from a guy named Josh. We've been talking everyday since then. We hung out on Monday and had great sex. I actually felt comfortable enough to laugh about it. Of course now I'm plagued with the worry that all he sees me as is committment free sex. I want a relationship somewhere down the road. A boyfriend. A man. To be someone's number one and their only. Josh picked up on the vibes that I was uncomfortable with what we'd done and he suggested that we not have sex for the next two months. After I got over crying about how happy I was he saw me in his life in the next two months, I was glad about it. I'm still a little uneasy though. Been burned before, not again.

I'm not sure why I had sex with him so soon. S&M would be able to shed some light on this. I mean how long did they know each other before she moved in with him? It's just.....I feel like I've known him for months. And he makes me smile. I've had so little to smile about the past couple of days. My father hasn't had any insulin or even tested his blood sugar since January 3rd. I'm scared to death of coming home and finding that he's dead. On Monday, my brother's birthday, he drove my dad somewhere. Apparently he misunderstood my dad and so my dad punched him in the mouth. My brother almost hit my dad. Since then he's locked himself in his den. I feel so bad. If I hadn't been lazy and I'd dressed when I first woke up that day, I'd have been available to drive Dad. I was in the shower when they left. Once again, I'm not helping avoid these situations. It just makes me feel like shit.

Back to guys. Andrew's single again. And he's hurting. The part of me that was his friend wants so bad to reach out and help him. The part of me that loved him in that way is very much preoccupied with Josh. The part of me that craves fairness is screaming at me to take the chance that I was never really given with him. Josh is amazing. He has this sweet Southern drawl that just makes me melt. He's a really sweet person. But there are some deal breakers with him. He's a heavy smoker. With Andrew and Devin it was ok because they smoked occassionally. And they made sure it'd been a while since they last smoked before they were around me. I'm VERY allergic. It's not life-threatening, but it could be with prolonged exposure. Plus, his family is very religious and religion is a deal breaker. I'm a pagan. I know. Ouch.

I
Am
Confused.

So I'm lying here crying...

The past can be a hurtful thing. Not mean hurtful but sad. The past can be so so sad.

I had a blog on Blogger before, but due to certain people getting involved in things I hid it and just stopped writing there. I wrote a companion blog to it with backstory on some of the important folks in my life. My writing before my dad's stroke and after is so completely different. I hate to think that I'm the kind of person that lets every little life change turn her for the worse. Anyway I went and read the companion blog and it's just sad how there are some great people who are no longer in my life now. And some of those people have hurt me so bad. And some of those others, well I've just fucked up those relationships beyond compare. I hate that.

I'm dumb

I just finished reading a blog about my friends that I wrote before Daddy had the stroke/heart attack. I'm so different. And I go back and read things I wrote before the Jason thing and I'm different yet again. Life keeps happening and it keeps changing me for the worse and I hate it. However I don't have time to wallow in bed, I have to go to work depressed.

By the way, I might be a bad person, but I'm a firm believer in getting out of the universe what you put in. You can only fuck your friends over so many times before you catch it in the teeth.

So I make a bad human? I'm still human.

I have these days when I realize things. And it's always like a streak of lightning. Scary to say the least. Well not scary. More like frustrating. I can't be smart about life all the time....why? It's like I learn a lesson and live it for a few days and then poof it's gone. But no matter what, I'm holding onto my resolution for 2007:



SPEAK UP!!!!!!!!!!!!

When someone hurts my feelings, I shall be quite loud about it. Extremely loud about it. I'm calling people on their crap. Most def. Some folks are going to see me being a lot more verbal. A lot more verbal. And not in the way I used to be. But in a slightly more intelligent way. I am not a doormat.

Moving on, I'm never going to like my dad. I love my father. With all of my heart. He's a funny, intelligent guy. But he's mean and nasty as well. And that's just a simple fact of life. I know one thing though, he needs to chill with the rudeness. I'm not obligated to take him to play the lottery. Especially since it's a waste of a social security check. He really plans to spend the whole money he gets from the gov't on booze, smokes, and the lotto. Whatever makes him happy and keeps his wife working like a dog I guess.

I have work in the morning, so I'll make this short. I'm crude sometimes, but I don't think that makes me a bad person. It's makes me colorful at times. And at times it just makes me a crazy, black female. Which is what I was born as. So it shouldn't be a problem for you. And if it is......screw yaself and quit bothering me.

My daddy

A big part of life is doing things you don't really want to. Sometimes you actually HAVE to compromise your beliefs for the greater good. Or at least the good of someone else. Sometimes you have to step outside yourself.

My dad doesn't really do what he's supposed to in terms of his health. He still smokes as much as he used to, if not more. He drinks quite a bit and he hasn't be eating like he should. Which is doubly bad because of his diabetes. I think he's figured if he's destined to die he might as well be happy. I don't blame him for it. I wished he wanted to stick around a little bit more than it seems he does, but I don't resent him for wanting to live his life the way he chooses to. I think the best thing I can do as his daughter is afford him the respect he deserves as my dad. What does being disappointed or disapproving of his choices do for me or him but make me miserable? I'd rather not tarnish the time left with him. We have fun in our own way together. When I drive him places sometimes he tells me where we're going sometimes he'll just point. I won't know where we're going until I get there. It's...interesting. We laugh at various things we see. (We see a lot of funny stuff when we go out.) Yesterday we went to Office Depot, the ATM, and 7-11. Got some computer software and then we got some beer, some soda, some cigarettes and a lotto ticket. It took about 30 minutes. We saw stuff that made us laugh and then we went home. It was simple and peaceful. And years and years down the road, outings like that are what I want to remember about my dad. Not the screaming and the yelling.

I love my dad. Like it or not, I love him. I don't much like him, but I love him. And if all he wants is respect, then dispite his outrageous behavior, I'm going to try to give it to him.

Racing Heart, Aching Head

So things have sorta been blech since Saturday. I told you I was feeling crappy but I didn't tell you why.

Basically to cut it short, Dad told us to rake the leaves and we weren't doing it the way he wanted us to. So he screamed obscenities at us out of the window for about three hours.

Interesting I know.

Tonight his blood sugar was unusually high (186) compared to what he ate (nothing since lunch).

He's more disorientated and I just... I'm afraid. Worried. If something goes wrong while I'm here and I screw up, I'd never forgive myself. My heart is racing and my head hurts and so does my stomach. I'm in pain. A great deal of pain.

In a box

Oftentimes I feel like the world is trying to box me in with a variety of things. Negative words, mean words.....I guess you could say words in general.

I'm just tired. My mother's a bitch. Sorry to say. Just because your asshole of a husband is sick doesn't mean you get to be bitchy to me. In fact you should be nicer to make it a little easier to ignore his bitch ass. Because I can't stand him really sometimes.

I'm just full of anger right now at a bunch of small shit. And the problem with that is that people keep shoving me into these fucking itty bitty boxes and so the anger is smothering me. I'm tired of hyperventilating until I pass out because I'm trying to hold my rage in so I don't break anything. That gets old. Quickly. Very quickly.

I'm still fat. Still unlovable. Still displeased.

I do believe it's time for some retail therapy, no?

I hung out with Alyssa and Joanie tonight and it was fun. The only fun of the day really. Thank God I quit Sonic. If I hadn't I would have quit now.

So..

1. Papa went to the ER tonight because of his leg still hurting from when I caused him to fall Tuesday before school.
2. Being in the heat during Girl Scouts and my car when I got a flat and then being in the cold of Sonic has cause my allergic reaction to turn into a cold.
3. I want to sleep while being held.
4. I can't think straight.
   
5. often wonder if there's any point in telling anyone anything anymore.
6. That's a lot of anys.
7. HE called around nine and I was working until ten tonight so I missed HIS call by like an hour.
8. I'm mad as hell that I missed HIS call.
9. I'm actually mad as fuck.
   
10. I don't like people(friends).
11. I'm not that fond of people in general.
12. I hate my job.
13. I'm too lazy to find another one.
14. I'm too lazy to find a better paying one.
    
15. I'm just lazy.
16. Any problems of anyone I know are my fault apparently.
    

First Week in Review

So there was some minor drama which I will share which will explain why I'm just now blogging and why I'm blogging each day.

Tuesday: The very first day. I looked cute. Pulled together and sophisticated. My father got confused about what time we were supposed to be at school, got agitated and fell. I came home and my laptop screen was destroyed. Magically of course cause he didn't do it and no one else was home. I started off my classes, which this semester are:

• Anatomy
• AP Government
• Freshman Composition 111
• Probability and Statistics

Not bad classes and not bad teachers. I got wet earlier in the day and was freezing the rest of the day because the ac is on full blast in all the rooms but I managed to stay awake until fourth block. (math) I practically passed out and that was that. Got home and Dad was grumpy but I was just whatever about it. Not the laptop but his attitude. I had one of my own.

Wednesday: Started off right at home was a little late. The deep fryer (one of them anyway) in the cafeteria caught on fire, so thank God I bought a wrap at WaWa for lunch on the way to school. I hate PB&J, which was the alternative since the stove weren't in commission. I stayed awake all day and I got school supplies afterwards. In between the end of class and school supplies at friendly Wal-Mart, I dropped my laptop off to have the screen replaced. My mother paid for it but I'm still displeased as it has to be sent off and is going to take 1-2 weeks minimum to get that screen replaced. I got a pink Tinkerbell backpack and got home at like midnight. Mom and I were silly in Wal-Mart and it was SOOO much fun.

Thursday: Normal day. Had an SCA Homecoming Dance Committee meeting after school which was a pain because I swear the chairperson has set ideas in her head and they don't really work for the kids we have at River. But it's whatever. I mailed off cards that I bought at Wal-Mart yesterday today so we'll see the outcome of them soon. And I'll blog about it.

My lazy day is a Tuesday

I spent today in bed.

Scott's bed to be more exact.

I laughed, got screwed to the seventh level of heaven, cuddled, gave (in my opinion) great head, and slept. I got a nice back rub too.

It was a lazy day and it was a good day. I got there early enough to wake up his mama (she was grateful though cause she'd overslept) and just crawled into bed with him till I felt like being awake. Which was about five minutes later since he sleeps in the nude and was sportin' MASSIVE morning wood. The typical day insued. Homewreckers is a funny show. Very funny. I'd kill the "friend" that set me up like that though. Like seriously, someone would be looking for body parts. Reversing those pranks must cost a shitload of money. I like his house. It's cozy and it's got this rambling effect going for it. Like you KNOW people have lived there for like ever. I like his bed cause oftentimes, he's in it. And he has cool The Nightmare Before Christmas sheets. But mostly cause he's in it. It was a nice relaxing day. A good one. I have inside jokes I can laugh out loud at in Wal-Mart when I'm there at two in the morning. (It helps keep away the pervs.)

There was the monkey wrench that not eating, taking a diet pill with a shitload of caffiene(sp?), exerting an EXTREME amount of energy, and being in a HOT room is. But despite that, it was a good day and I'd do it again. I mean I left the house around nine and didn't get home until after six. If Dad didn't need his meds, there's a good chance I'd still be over there. (I like how I'm the only one that can do that by the way.) I really had no other reason to leave. I'm still feeling a little shaky so I'm going to work on that summer AP Gov work, I STILL DON'T HAVE DONE. This shit IS NOT going to be finished by next week. Bad way to start off the school year. Bad. Back to work I go though.

Last Night

I attempted to kill myself. It didn't work. Again I failed. At yet another thing. I just can't live with the guilt that my dad is the way he is because of me and my inability to keep people from being mad at me. I could cause him to have another stroke because I keep fucking up. I came home from PRIDE and he was just screaming and screaming and screaming. It was horrible. I'm horrible. Not to mention I can't do anything right. I can't even kill myself when I want to.

I ate today. Potato chips, an apple, and a tiny piece of cake. So along with being a failure and a bad daughter, I have no self control.

Cars aren't my friend

So I figured I'd get up, go work out (worked out at Bally's last night for the first time, loved it), and hang out with Scott before he had to go to work.

Not so.

Mom didn't pick up Dad's insulin or test strips yesterday. Funny thing, she forgot to mention that to me. Dad of course starts screaming at me like it's my fault. So I'm getting up scrabbling to get dressed to get his meds and Mom walks in with it like it's no fucking deal. This man has been screaming and ranting and raving for (no lie) 15 minutes straight. I'm fed up beyond belief. Like bust a blood vessel fed up. And she just waltzes in. After that, I take Matt to get his cleat spikes. That he absolutely must have. After driving to Va Beach and back to drop him off, I get to see Scott. Hurray Scott. He made me smile and laugh which is what makes me consider him a friend. We chilled and then we go to leave. He has to work and I have to go home because he has to work. The charge light was on in my car on the way to his house. Lo and behold, it would not start when we were getting ready to leave. Maybe the universe was trying to tell us to hop back into bed. I don't know. Basically, I bitched and cried like a baby and acted like a punk because I HATE feeling like I'm asking people to go out of their way to help me. I'm afraid, deep on the inside that people won't like me because I ask them for things. And secretly, I just wanna be liked. After that, I get home and Dad is fussing and I'm like what the fuck ever dude. I have Mom take me to work because upon further inspection, my battery AND my alternator are/were shit. So I replaced the battery and now have to get the alternator rewired. Fuck and a half. Work was FUCKING SHIT. I'm looking for another job. One that pays well and doesn't drive me to drink. A thought occured to me tonight that I shall share.

The days I get laid are supposed to be golden. Especially when it's not just good, but happy. Sex with Scott is not as casual as I thought. But neither is it relationship, let's talk marriage sex. It's you're my friend that I can confide in and you make me laugh sex. Very good for the spirit. Scott is good people. Very good people. I shall miss him when he leaves. Laughing isn't easy for me you know. And making me laugh just comes naturally to him. Which is pretty cool. He's fairly cool.

I guess that was a couple of thoughts.