Monday, November 26, 2007


I didn't really see many other people this Thanksgiving. TONS of people were in town, but I just....I felt like being around my mom's house. That could be because I'm sick but truthfully, it might be more than that. I mean.....I can't make people like me. And I can't always be the one to try. I get sick of looking pathetic.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Being an Adult

It's not easy. Nothing ever is in life. There's only so many ways to say the same thing. And I've run out of those ways. I do believe this blog is done.

Saturday, September 08, 2007

Art imitates Life

And just because you get away that dont mean its okay
You a dead man walking and I mean it okay.

-T.I. "You Know What It Is

Many men, wish death upon me
Blood in my eye dawg and I can't see
I'm trying to be what I'm destined to be
And niggaz trying to take my life away
I put a hole in nigga for fucking with me
My back on the wall, now you gon' see
Better watch how you talk, when you talk about me
Cause I'll come and take your life away

- 50 Cent "Many Men"

In the second set of lyrics, I only highlighted the part that I feel applies to me. Lyrically it doesn't flow without the first two lines. Anyway, I think I'm soulless. Every time anyone has ever shit on me and put me down and just treated me like I was nothing, my soul died a little bit. And now it's just gone. Completely. And you know what? It doesn't even matter. Who needs it? You're the only person you can ever count on anyway. It's you and then that's it. You must protect yourself at any cost.

Monday, August 27, 2007

I didn't forget

I asked for a scope of the readers I have because I thinking of expanded on a character in a story I posted online and giving the character a blog. But I don't want to bog down the internet with something no one's going to read.

A Survey from Myspace

Finish the sentences:

1. I've come to realize that my ex is: someone I should have ran from when I first met him.

2. I am listening to: coldplay

3. I talk: a lot because silence reminds me of my loneliness

4. I love : no one and nothing and no place at all.

5. I have: no money

7. I lost : my smile

8. I hate it when: i try and i still get knocked down. I'm sick of getting up.

9. Love is : non-existent

10. Marriage is: strange

11. Somewhere: someone's dying and escaping from all sorts of pain

12. I'll always be : ugly on the outside to match the tainted inside

13. I have a crush on: no one

14. The last time I cried was: a while ago. They were angry tears; I was fighting with Drew.

15. My cell phone is : silent. Which is good.

16. When I woke up this morning: I had a cramp from sleeping on the couch.

17. Before I go to sleep at night I: wish for happiness

18. Right now I am thinking about: my pizza being almost ready

19: Babies are: perfect and wonderful

20. I get on myspace: when im bored

21. Today I : laid around unproductively thinking of ways to wash away my thoughts

22. Tonight I will: sleep I hope

23. Tomorrow I will: go to class, come home, go to work, come home

24. I really want to: be blank; just for five minutes

25. The person who's most likely to repost this: i dont know

Sunday, August 26, 2007

The Bottom of the Hole

Life won't let me die. It won't give me the one thing I hope for. Fuck. I'm so tired.


Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out

Saturday, August 25, 2007


I know I'm posting a lot of blogs right now. But I'm a little bored and I know that I'm going through some changes and I want documentation of those changes.

I'm sitting on my couch, trembling from nerves. I'm so strung out. It's crazy. I'm crazy.

It's tough to say, but it must be said

I'm under a significant amount of stress right now. I can sense and feel my life slipping away from me and turning into something I don't even know. I can't....I'm not functioning in the way I want to. My savings account is empty. And I need gas and I know I don't have the money for it. I'm broke and it's depressing because I know that about 70% of my income over the past couple months has gone to things for Andrew. And I just....I don't have anything to show for all of that effort. I'm not gonna lie, this whole apartment thing has me scared and freaked out. Andrew just doesn't seem to do anything for himself. I understand that his main goals are his kids and his bills are his first priorities. I totally get that. I'm with him on that one TOTALLY. What I don't get is how he can't seem to focus on anything else. Why can't he focus on taking care of himself before he sleeps or plays? He gets mad when he brings it up, because he says I remind him of his mother. But he reminds me of my dad when he tells what to do with my life and then does nothing with his own but just sit there and take. I've researched everything that's needed to be looked up and just brought the info to him. Because if I don't then it doesn't get done in a timely fashion.'s not just his life anymore. My life is affected by his lack of get up and go. I don't want anything negative on my credit score because of him not getting things set up when they need to be. There are so many things that need to be in place before we can pay rent for September and move in. And he just leaves everything to me.

I just don't have the extra energy to take care of him as well as myself. I'm so lonely. Being depressed and lonely just saps my energy. I mean what's the point of going through all of these motions when there's no one at the end of the day to share all of the stress with or all of the happiness? There's no one to share with. And that just bums me out in such a big way. It's always in the back of my mind. You're working so hard on everything, but what for? It's not appreciated and there's no one to share anything with. What's the point of working so hard if you're lonely?

I want to go back in time......

and slap the shit out of myself. I want to scream at my past self to wake up and realize that everything everyone has ever told you to hope for was a lie. I want to tell my past self that I really am a failure and that the sooner I realize that and stop dreaming the better off I'll be.

Digging through the shit to get to the truth

I was driving in my car today and it just hit me that I barely know who I am anymore. I just know she's someone I don't like. At all. I'm back where I was a few years ago. I HATE myself completely. I just want to erase myself, tear everything up, start over. And I can't because that's not how stuff works. That's saddening.

I was quite the stupid child growing up. All of my thoughts on life and love and how the world is and how things are supposed to be were such fucking bullshit. Such complete fucking bullshit.

Sunday, August 19, 2007

It's actually happening

So our move in date is September 6th. It's finally happening. I'm moving out of my parents' home. I'm living on my own for the first time ever. It''s scary, it's exciting, it's amazing. I'm really looking forward to it. Mom isn't but then again she doesn't have to. She didn't expect me to move so quickly. Well not move but get things movin' so quickly. I'm ready. I'm in a good place and I'm ready to move away from my parents. The atmosphere in the house is just.....I can't live here anymore. It hurts my heart that that's what it is, but life happens.

This weekend was good. Apparently I got beyond plastered Saturday. And apparently I get violent. I know I like to drunk dial and they wouldn't let me. So maybe that explains some of the behavior. I know I couldn't stand up straight. It was.....wild. Andrew has some bruises. For shame.

Monday, August 13, 2007

Gigantic Leap

I think I took one earlier. Not totally sure. We shall see won't we?

This moving thing is FUCKING crazy. I mean totally insane. Andrew is insane. He's driving me crazy. But he's Andrew and so I'll let it go. I'm such a fuckin' punk bitch.

I know no one will answer this, but could I get a comment or an email if you read and/or suscribe? It doesn't matter if you think I'm mad at you, I still want to know. I'm trying to get an idea of my audience. I'm thinking about writing another blog. I'll fill you all in on the subject matter later.

Tuesday, August 07, 2007


pushing down on me.....

David Bowie and Queen are cool music.

I hate those Truth commercials. He's really ugly. I mean really really ugly. Sorry, I got sidetracked.

Anyway, back to my point. Which I do have. I'm just so pressured and surrounded by everything. Everywhere I turn there is trouble and responsibility and anxiety. There is no refuge. There is no safe haven. I am always consistently surrounded by that which pains me. There is no hope. Only work. Only pain.
I'm watching an old True Life episode. About OCD. It's...I hate watching fucked up people on tv and seeing something about myself in them. I mean really really hate it. Completely detest it.

There is no such thing as love for me. And that sucks because that's all I want out of life. Not money or fame. And it's the one thing I'll never have.
Anxiety is a bitch. And it's slowly taking back over my life.

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

I'm Fucking Done

No more. Last straw.

Saturday, July 21, 2007

By the way, I left and now I'm back

I went on a church trip to Philly. And now I'm back. It was a good trip. It was a bad trip. I'll write more about it later.

It hurts

Andrew's away right now as I'm sure you know. Actually I'm sure you're tired of hearing about me bitching about how he's not here and how I miss him. But to my point.

He really doesn't like the people he works with on the boat. He's incredibly unhappy. And I feel bad for him. Because he's SO incredibly frustrated. And there's nothing I can do for him while I'm here. All I can do is just support him through emails. I just feel like it's not enough. Tone isn't always properly conveyed through the written word. A hug is better than a note in my opinion. And on top of that he just got some bad news about his adopted family and his hands are tied as far as helping them out. When shit goes down with the family of your flesh it's one thing. It's painful. But when something happens with the family of your heart, and you can't do an thing about it, it hurts. And I wish I could hold him while he's hurting. I wish he was home so he could sleep.

I miss him to the point of distraction. Things happen and I want to share them with him and I can, but I can't because he's not here. I want to discuss Nick with him in person. And I want him to come with me to get my car. The main thing I miss is sleeping with him. Just regularly sleeping. I slept in a double bed in the hotel. And I kept reaching my leg and my arm over to lay across him, but he wasn't there. And I'd wake up sad. A couple of times a night. It wasn't restful. Which is a shame because the bed was so cushy and nice.

He's hurting and I can't help. And I miss him.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Jumbled minds

There's Dad stuff and growing up stuff and Andrew stuff and apartment stuff all jumbled around in my head. I'm a touch tired. I want to be able to say what I want to say about all of these different things, but I don't even know how to word things. So I can't write about life matters if I can't even think them out in my head. And that's frustrating. Because I want to be able to think them out. It's not sad, it just is.

I've made a decision concerning Nick. I'd like to talk to him about it first, but I'll discuss it here later. I know some people are looking forward to it. I considered your advice quite heavily people let me tell you. Yall made me think. Although Mama summed it up pretty well. Mama is the shit. Fo' sho.

Sunday, July 15, 2007

That's just how it is

My myspace isn't set to private. My Facebook is as public as I can make it. I'm an open person. I like who I am and that's just what it is. I hate the idea of secrets. I have the balls to think it therefore I have the balls to say it. That's right. I have a set of balls. Big, ole steel ones bitches.

I have my friends and I've slept with the people I've slept with. I'm not ashamed of anything I've done really. Except for maybe one sexual experience. But we'll chalk that up to inexperience and let it go. Bottom line, I like the friends I've made over the course of the past 18 years. They're good people. They're supportive and they're loving. And as for the lucky men, of whom there are not too many but just enough, you guys are some BLESSED sons of bitches. For reals.

I am black. I am chunky. That is just it. If that's embarrassing for you then you're shallow and you don't deserve to have me grace your presence anyway. The least you can do is be adult about it. If people important to you have an issue with my skin color, you need to do one of two things:

  1. Evaluate the people you know.
  2. Wave goodbye to me.
Do not try to have your cake and eat it too. You WILL lose every single time. Every time. So just don't go there. I'm nothing to be ashamed of. If you are, you just can't be my friend. Or we just can't be romantically involved. You'll be sad but you'll get over it.

The above isn't directed to anyone in particular. I was just going over past experiences and fuck that. That shouldn't have happened. And won't happen again. I am nothing to be ashamed of. I feel bad for people that can't speak openly about the lives they lead and HIDE everything. It would drive me crazy.

The next part is directed to two people in particular. I won't say any names but they know who they are. I'm always the good girl that doesn't start anything and I'm over cowering. I'm going to vent.

Blonde(ish) # 1: I do not care how long you have known Stephen. It is of no importance to me. No one is trying to steal him or turn him against you and your family. Here's the thing: You're like fucking twenty are you not? I haven't let my mother disrespect my friends or friends of my friends, or anyone that hasn't earned it since I was 14. Grow a damn spine and put a leash on her. Do not blame her for the shit YOU say. Besides that, who the fuck are you to put a wall between my friend and I? I feel like I can't even talk to him because of you and your psychotic, clingy ass. I miss my friend and it sucks. Don't get me wrong, I totally understand spending all of your free time with the one that gets your blood flowing. But I sit there face to face with him and your vile, nasty attitude and feelings towards me are right there in between us. I'm not sure why you don't feel woman enough to have him have opinionated friends AND you in his life, but I think it's sad. I'm not sure why no one can care deeply about him except for you but again I say it's sad. Control Stephen if you want to as long as you make him happy. Sometimes life doesn't make sense, but ok. But end it there. Seriously if I hear one more thing about you going psycho bitch on his siblings, I will do what their MOTHER (not you by the way) has taught them NOT to do. It is not your place to discipline or terrorize them in their own house. I will do what someone should have done a while ago. I will smack the shit out of you. You got into something that had nothing to do with you and made it ten times worse. Things still aren't back the way they used to be/should be. And that is your fault. And yes I have held onto it. It's concerning a friend and so it's important to me. You owe me an apology for the shit you said about my intelligence. If you have a question ask it. Don't assume shit and call me names you crazy bitch. (Since you haven't apologized and things still aren't fixed, I've taken the liberty of calling you a few things and venting out my frustrations. I now consider the slate clean and am 50% happy.)

Blonde #2: This has been coming for a VERY VERY VERY long time. It is a goddamn shame the law had to get involved before I could get some peace. My family life is very mixed up now and has been for some time. I don't need your shit. Let us rewind shall we? Two years ago. You make up family emergencies to pull him away from other friends. Me included. I think it's odd but I get over it. It's what he wants to do so he can go ahead and do it. It always has to be about you all of the time. I hang out with him and he makes the mistake of telling you and wham! You are blowing his phone up and screaming at him. You then get my number and blow it up every time we hang out together. This goes on for about a year to a year and a half. Every time it happens, I let it go and DON'T snatch you bald/knock all your teeth down your throat/break your arms because Andrew begs me not to. Plain and simple. Instead of bitching at him every time he reacts in a way you don't like, you need to kiss the ground he walks on. Let's fast forward to present day. You have a nice, stable guy for a boyfriend. I wouldn't pick him, but everyone goes for different things in a person. He treats you like the good person you're not. More power to him for putting up with your shit. You try your hardest to fuck that up by trying to fool around with Andrew, but it doesn't work because cheating is wrong and Andrew is entirely too good of a person to be "the other man". He said you were friends only and no matter how much you want to mess that up and "crazy" yourself out of yet another boyfriend, he refused to move from that. I'm not sure why people put up with you but I'm not one of those people. If I didn't think that you would have harassed/bothered/driven James crazy like you tried to do to Andrew when served the charges the Friday Drew left, I would have COMPLETELY followed through. Because I know I'll never get an apology that means anything from you and that's the next best thing. I felt bad for James because he seems like a great guy that hasn't done anything to earn the displeasure of dating you. By the way, the 50 million fucking calls to Andrew trying to have him "talk" to me were not only rude, but unproductive. I think for myself. If he didn't stop me from filing a report and pressing charges what makes you think he'd get me to drop them. And you knew good and well that he had to be up early. Because of you, he woke up that morning with a migraine so intense he could barely move. What kind of "friend" fucking does that?
Let's discuss something you've brought up several times over the phone, through ims, and through Facebook. Because over the next year, I WILL NOT hear shit about this from you. I am a generous person. And not just with Andrew. My mother frequently gets a dozen roses. My brother has nice clothes and a PSP. Several of my friends get gas money, or money to go get pierced or a variety of other things. I run errands for people and help friends in anyway that I can. THAT IS THE KIND OF PERSON I AM. Just because you are not generous does not mean you need to be jealous of my generosity. I don't buy affection, respect, or "quality time" from anyone. Anyone that I'm buddy buddy with knows if they want to call because they need an ear, my phone is on 24/7. If something material can make someone I care about smile, or I can do something to make them smile, and I'm able; then it's as good as done.
Finally, this is all I have to say: You've been trying for TWO YEARS to fuck my shit up with my friend and it HASN'T worked. Get a clue already. That is my boy. I have his back and he's got mine. And that's just how things are. Get over it.

I have vented and I feel SO much better now. Yes there will be fallout from this entry but like I said, I'm not ashamed of anything. Not my words and not my actions.

The slate is clean now as far as I am concerned. I have no more issues with Melissa Zawacki or Heather Grossman. I am 100% happy at this moment.

You can send me messages about this entry if you like, but let's be serious I'm not going to consider their content. I'll read them and leave it at that.

not sure what to say

I'm not sure what to say. I know I feel...I'm not sure how to say that either. I'd like to be able to write out some long, drawn-out entry about everything in my head and life, but that's a no-go.

Friday, July 13, 2007

It's back

the shaking

the rocking

the rapid breathing

the twitching

my anxiety is back. and i hate it.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

And I just wanna be wanna be loved

I sit back and think sometimes and I realize that I'm never going to be in love. I'm never going to be in a relationship with someone that loves me as much as I love them. I'm never going to be loved. I'm destined to be alone.

It sucks.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

My worst nightmare

I found a job that allows me to continue my bad sleeping habits. I'm never going to become a functioning member of society. Ever. I'm always going to be crazy, mixed-up, flying by the seat of her pants, insane, scatterbrained Joy.

At least I get laid more than the average normal person. Because they're like 35-40 and married to someone that's either bad in the sack or impossibly for them to love. Or both.

In some small way I'm better than the type of person I aspire to be right? Right. Totally right.

Moving in with Andrew is driving me up a fucking wall. I have entirely too much shit. Why is it SO much damn junk is in my possession? And why do I seem to need it all? Why am I packing up my shit by myself? Why am I always by myself whenever I turn around?

what the fuck is the deal with my damn life???

Ler's scream a little

Blogger's been acting like a hoe with the clap......bitch and non-functioning. So sorry about the space between the posts.

All of this moving stuff is like bogging me down. It's a lot to do by myself. A lot. Eh. I'll manage it somehow.

I miss Andrew. If I have to sleep by myself too many nights in a row, I get to be a cranky bitch. That's sleeping in general though. Like if my mom went to bed at a decent time, I'd sleep in there and be fine.

When I dreamed of moving out of my parents' (Mother's really) house, I imagined two scenarios: 1) Moving in with a gay roommate or 2) With a guy I was seriously in love with that was committed to me. Honestly 2 would only pop up in daydreams. If I was thinking practically, I'd have said number 1. Or maybe moving in with Stephen. And....I'm moving in with Andrew. It's not what I expected out of my life at this point. It's different and that makes it weird. I feel like a Navy wife because I have to pull all of this shit together. By myself. Boo.

I need to sleep I have a shitload of stuff to do over the next two days.

Monday, July 09, 2007

Scott, you are FASCINATING

So I spent the day with Scott and then went to work. It was a lot of fun. I met his new roommate Will who's fucking hilarious. I mean there's funny and then there's FUNNY. And Will is FUNNY. I swear that I know him from somewhere but I just don't know where. And it bugs me.

I talked to Scott about Nick and moving and Andrew and life in general. Scott, you are NOT nice. (Just playing.) Scott you're a funny funny man.

I like days where I laugh AND make money. I just like days like the one I had today.

Sunday, July 08, 2007

Wowie woah good gracious

Guys can be funny. I've been talking to people and getting feedback and all sorts of things. I'm hanging out with Scott tomorrow. We're going mermaid hunting. (You'd have to be a photographer or Scott or I in order to get that.) It's going to be fun. I want his viewpoint on Nick. Scott is great people. I haven't talked to him face to face for the longest time. I'm excited about tomorrow.

Mom and I have talked a lot about guys in general. And specifically about Nick and Andrew and jealously and all sorts of things. It was...informative. I love when my mom just comes out with some wisdom that's just above and beyond what I expected. Hell I just love my mom. She's a great lady.

Thursday, July 05, 2007

Holy Shit

I'm so behind in my school work. I CAN NOT afford to fuck up English this semester; it's my last chance. So I'm going to get off of here and just really grind out all of this shit. It's just. Oh God. There's so much to do. Just so much.

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Things are looking up


I'm excited. Stressed that stress can make it this late, but happy it's here. Nick and I are working on getting to know each other so we can hopefully start going out one day in the future. I know it sounds retarded, but I'm a little excited about it. Nervous because of the whole Andrew angle but we'll let that play out.

More later.

Oh by the way I got my tongue pierced last night. It's nifty.

Monday, July 02, 2007

Cut and paste from Myspace

This has truly been the longest weekend of my life. It started Thursday. It was such a great day. I got my credit card in the mail, which means that I can cover a lot of needed expenses until my first check comes in. Because I definitely got a job Thursday. So, earlier in the day, I got a call from Andrew asking me to take him back to base (he was at the boat). He called me back to say he got a ride and that he wanted to see a movie. I said ok let me go take my math test and we'll go. So I go take my test despite not being in class the week before for the notes. I think I did well on it. Anyway, I get to base and Andrew's like half asleep. Him and I both get an interesting phone call and then we go. We saw Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer and it was good. Before we left, I said when we get back we'll clean up some and wash some things so you can pack your seabag. Because NOTHING was done. Well Fantastic Four was longer than we expected and it was relatively late when we got back. So it was all like let's eat, throw some clothes in the wash and get up VERY VERY early to pack the seabag. Apparently Andrew had some more interesting phone calls in store for him. No sleepy sleep until 2 am. We sleep. It's hot as fuck so it wasn't good sleep but it was sleep. Then at 3 am, three knuckleheads came busting in through the window. Drinking isn't just for weekends anymore. After we (Andrew, his roommate, and I) clear the drunken idiots out of the room we all try to go back to sleep.

Andrew was supposed to be on the boat at 7:30am. Yeah, he didn't get up until then. Because he was up so late and because the subject matter of the calls earlier in the night were upsetting, he had a HUGE migraine. Like he could barely move. So I got the clothes out of the dryer (some time between the calls and the drunken surprise I put the clothes in the dryer) and folded them while he was in the shower. I figured it would help him wake up. No such luck. So he lied on the bed and "helped" me pack his seabag by telling me how much to pack of what. So we go to the boat. And I go home and shower. And turn around to go get him. Then I go babysit. That Lots of animals. Lots of smelly, not cleaned recently animals. I love pets as much as the next person but I also like cleanliness. Whether or not I go back there to babysit remains to be seen. But then I go back to base and we chill out. The three of us (Drew's roommate Marcus came too) went to the NEX to get stuff like soap and junk for Drew to take out as well as a XBox 360. We then went back to the room and passed out.

Ta-Da!!!!!!!!! It is Satuday. I get up at the ass-crack of dawn and go get Becca. We then go to Wal-Mart to buy me some clothes. Because I showered but put on Friday's clothes because I had nothing else. So I bought two changes of clothes and a bathing suit. We then go and get Drew and just like I suspected he isn't ready. A video game waylaid him. I changed and he got up and we went to Pocahontas Pancakes and Waffles. We laughed and cracked jokes about sausage and pancakes and all manners of things. Then we skated from 11th street to the Neptune statue and back. Then we went swimming in the ocean. The two white people (Becca and Drew) balked at the water being cold while I, the chick with the relaxer, strolled in. We frolicked, we fell, we almost drowned. Becca almost floated away. Then we dug up crabs and played in the sand. Then we went back to base and showered. After that it was off to Cinema Cafe to see Evan Almighty. It was funny. Then we dropped Becca off at her sleepover. We're almost to base and I pull over and heave. My stomach is CHURNING. I felt BAD. I figure ok I'll nap and then get up and drive home. No such luck. My nose was running from sniffing cigarette smoke all weekend and I had the worst post-nasal drip ever. It kept making me gag. And heave. Dry heaves are no fun. So I kept waking up and falling asleep. I didn't fall completely asleep until 1am. By that I'd decided no driving for me.

I woke up at 9am. And I tried to sit up. I promptly fell back down. Too dizzy to see straight. Which made me mad. Because I was going to go to the beach. But I cancelled to go to church. And then I was just stuck laying down trying not to puke. Not fun at all. But I felt a lot better after I sent Andrew to Subway. Well not sent. Persuaded to go is better. Yes that's what I'll say. After all I'm no diva, I don't "command" anything. No matter what anybody says. So after that, there is much cleaning and packing that SHOULD HAVE BEEN DONE FRIDAY!!!!!. *cough* I dropped him off at the pier and then I went to my new job. I had a nice dinner there and then I came home at 9:30pm. I have laundry to do and school work. But I chose to write this instead. And now I'm done. And I'm going to sleep for at least two days straight. In AC. With no drunk people or gamers anywhere. Just me sleeping. It'll be great.

Ok some additional stuff.

  • Still no period. But I have a credit card now so we shall see what's what. I really would like to think it's stress from the family shit.
  • I'm not doing the live in position because it makes me uncomfortable. That and Andrew needs to move out of the barracks ASAP to start collecting BAH. So he asked and I said yes and we'll be roomies.
  • I feel really weird about that.

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Finally, a turnaround

A great job oppourtunity has come up. It pays 8.10 an hour and can turn into a live in position in August which is when I need to move out.

On the other hand, still no period yet. And no money for a pregnancy test. I have an appointment either the 13th or 16th....but that's a bit long to wait. I've felt like shit lately. The heat is ridiculous. Just straight up awful.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

My third and fourth tattoo

Ok so there's the tattoo that BeccaMarie helped inspire is going to be second. Then I have two others I want to get.

The one I have completely planned out is two cartoon girls; one who's an angel and one who's a devil. They'd just be really fun curvy busty babes. They'd be hugging like you see the bubbly ditzy girls doing in movies and at the club or where ever, and there'd be a snake wrapped around the both of them. That's basically me in a nutshell. Gemini born in the year of the Snake.

The next one......I need a little bit of help with. I want to incorporate a goat along with the drama masks. I'm not sure how to tie them together though. This one is for my dad. There's been a lot of joy and a lot of sorrow in that relationship and I want the tat to reflect that. I figured the goat could represent him because he's a Capricorn. I'm still fiddling with it.

Monday, June 25, 2007

It's always something crazy

Ok, I'll go bit by bit through everything so everyone is all caught up. For what it's worth.

First thing: I'm either 5 days late or I have 4 days to go. The reason I don't know is that I have very light periods because of the Ortho-Evra patch. Which I don't like due to the fact that it can cause heart problems. But anyway, my periods are light. Last month I had 4 days of bleeding and two weeks later I had the same thing. Chemical birth control causes spotting in between. Bah! When I know for sure I'll be on clearer footing. The only bad thing is the fact that I hadn't been on the patch for like three weeks at the time I had sex. I was going to wait for an actual period and then put it on because I'd messed up the timing a few times. Anyway, I hope I get it figured out.

Second thing: I'm sure we all remember the fiasco with my dad. Well we went to court and the judge wanted him to go to anger management. He wouldn't go because he doesn't need it. He's not the problem, I am. Since he's not the problem, him going to anger management does nothing. So he got 60 days in jail. My mother won't really look me in the eye. My brother was like it's not fair something should happen to you too. My own mother won't hug me. It's painful. I'm trying to get my shit together to move out before he gets back. Because I know me being here won't be any good.

Third thing: I'm taking Andrew's ex-girlfriend Melissa to court. She started in with the harassing phone calls right after I got out of the courthouse and I just couldn't take it. It was the same thing as always. I'd be happy if he didn't know you. You're what's wrong with my life. I just couldn't bite my tongue and take pity on her like I'm always expected to do. He's upset with me because this is just going to make her life worse. I'm.....indifferent at this point.

Friday, June 22, 2007

Life is like a blender

Things are constantly being mixed up. Constantly. There is no safe haven. No niche where everything will stay unchanged for the rest of forever. None. I have done a lot of growing up in a short amount of time. I have to do a lot more growing up in an even shorter amount of time. It's a lot but I think I can do it. I have to be able to do it. There's lives at stake that are dependent on me pulling my shit together.

Sunday, June 17, 2007

You may now address me as Madame Graduate

As of Friday, I am a high school graduate. I'm not the first person in my family to graduate nor will I be the last. I didn't graduate with honors. I got through it despite extreme emotional turmoil. A lot of the drama I had to deal with would have killed some people. I've cried more over the past two years than I had in the sixteen years that came before it. It was rough. But I did it.

Rebecca, Tim, Andrew, my two sisters, my little brother, and my parents were there. That's right, my parents. My daddy not only came but he got dressed up. Andrew wore a suit. It was......crazy. I was so happy. And everyone was happy for me.

After graduation, we all went to Olive Garden. My sister and her son (my nephew obviously) are EXTREMELY charismatic and so we all laughed throughout the whole dinner. Everyone was smiling and happy and it was great for me. It made me so happy.

After that, all the family went back to the house and my three friends and I went out to see Ocean's Thirteen. The movie was fun and so are they. And Andrew's new car is gonna be bitchin'. There are so many inside jokes from that day now. And it came out that a lot of things are changing. Tim is partying less and staying focused on his grind. BeccaMarie (inside joke) is so much closer to loving herself and Andrew is happier now. He's so much more like the man I met almost two years ago.

Friday was wonderful.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Explanation of my first tattoo

I turned 18 on the 8th of June. There wasn't a big to-do about it but I was relatively happy with what went down. I took a good look over my childhood. The people that have come and gone. The pain I've gone through. The tears I've shed, the jokes I've told. All of that has been on my mind a lot lately while I've been contemplating my very first tattoo.

I'm getting My Angels at the top of my back and then the initals of the three people that made me happiest during my childhood. Those people are my mom, Andrew, and Stephen. I have their initals done in that order. Momma is on the left because it's closest to my heart. I go back on the 27th to get My Angels put up there along with some cloud work.

To be completely honest and not at all melodramatic, the past two years that I've known Stephen and Andrew have been the happiest of my life. They've also been the saddest. I'm not on completely solid footing with either of them right now, but that doesn't really matter. They, at one time, cared enough to love me even though I didn't love myself. That's a powerful lesson to learn. I went through some rough times during high school. These three helped pull me through. They're the reason I have a future to look forward to. I'll be eternally grateful for that. Which is why it'll be forever inscribed on my back.

To these three I have this to say:
Forgive me for the disappointments.
I'm only human.
I'll love you always.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007


To sum this up in the shortest of paragraphs:

1. Dad bitched a fit.
2. I confessed to Mom I don't want him at my graduation.
3. She said fine then neither of them will go.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

She Knew

My mom has known that I've spent a great deal of my time over at Andrew's place. She also knows that I've spent lots of nights over there. And it's not that big of a deal. Hot damn.

Monday, June 11, 2007


To date, there have been four Indian River kids that have left this earth for a better place.

Maybe that's what's bothering me. I just...I had a bad dream the other night. Drew died and no one told me until it was too late to say goodbye. It's freaking me out in the biggest way and I will feel SO SO SO much better when he comes home and I see him and I can just wrap my arms around him and squeeze. I'll be able to confirm for myself that he's ok and I'll be so much happier.


Growth is a big part of life. So is change. Sometime they're quite scary but what can you do? You can't skip out on life. I went to Harbor Fest Saturday to see the fireworks. I really enjoyed them. Lightning, fireworks.....the sky is an awesome thing to watch. Always. I've grown a little bit. Other people I know have grown quite a bit as well. While it's a tad discomforting because change is different and it's scary, I'm also quite happy. When I went to Harbor Fest I was with Stephen and his girlfriend, her brother and his girlfriend, and her friend and her boyfriend. I've known Stephen for a while. We were EXTREMELY tight. We were both going through some deep shit. We needed each other. We were sounding boards for each other.

Stephen doesn't need me anymore. And I'm glad. I felt a little ignored and not at all liked by any of the other people there. Except for Sara. She seemed pretty chill. The thing is though it was ok. I've never really seen Stephen THAT out of his shell. It was a happy sight. Not that I'm saying he's like socially stunted. That's not it at all. He was just....relaxed and open. Happy. It was nice to see.

My tattoo that I'm getting is going to be quite emotional for me. I'm excited about it. I'm also excited about my second piercing. I'll take pictures of it once the swelling goes down a bit. The industrial is quite sweet I must say. Anyway, next on my list after I gain some employment, is a tongue piercing and a tattoo on my right hip. I won't say what it is yet because I want it to be a bit of a surprise. Rebecca had something to do with it though. She inspired it if you will. I'll let yall think on that for a second.

Friday, June 08, 2007

It's all part of growing up

I didn't get cake or pie or anything. I'm getting up early to get my industrial done because Mom spent a large amount of time on a Matt problem. There's a football camp in the area tomorrow. He's know about it since April. He waited until last night to let my mom know that 1)There's paperwork that needs to be filled out for this camp and 2) He lost it a long time ago. This perpetuated a whole long string of faxes and jumping through hoops so that he can go this weekend. I don't think he should be allowed to go because he wasn't responsible. Either way, I just.....last year my birthday was completely forgotten amongst all the stuff with my dad that went on. I want to feel like someone cares enough about me to spend a minute of their time thinking about me. I feel like I don't matter.

Really Late Prom Photos

An interesting little time-sucker+ a photo

I read this on someone's blog on Myspace and I filled it out. I'm pasting it here. If I get enough birthday comments, I might post the list of people. (That will make since if you look below.)

25 people

1). List 25 things that you want to say to people, but never will.
2). Dont say who they are.
3). Never discuss it again.

1. You are my heart's desire. You are my favorite lover, my best lover. You are a true and awesome friend. We both screw up, but we're stronger together in any capacity versus apart. To touch you is bliss. I know more about you than you think. And it doesn't matter. I love you still.
2. I can be friendly towards you, because you are a good person. I want to like you. But you make it hard when you do what you do. Quit chasing something you stole and lost and focus on what you have before you lose it. He loves you. Don't throw that away for someone you never truly had.
3. I wish I had a tape of my life over the past 4 years that I could show you so you could see how hard it is and what you're setting yourself up for. You have so much potential. When you cut yourself, you cut the people that love you.
4. You are my heart. You have made me what I am today. I only wish you'd take time for yourself. That and I wish you wouldn't push me where I'm not meant to go. I must strike my own path.
5. Everytime you try that which wasn't meant to be, you damage the beautiful thing that you have. Please quit before it's lost forever. Someone else will lose out if you don't. I like you both and it saddens me to watch.
6. You don't know nearly as much as you think you do. Shut up and listen sometime, you might stumble upon something amazing.
7. I love you. I'm not sure why you don't love me back or why you do the things that you do. But I love you. And even though you've never taken care of me, I'm still going to do my best to take care of you.
8. I'm not sure how we grew apart but it saddens me a little. On the other hand, I'm glad. I can honestly say you stand for, believe in, and support things that I don't. People grow and change and I get that.'s just ironic that after years of being friendly to my face and then stabbing me in the back you're the one that's stumbling and screwing yourself over. I miss the kind person you used to be.
9. You are not the center of the universe. Just because you are ready to play doesn't mean everyone else is. You're rude and inconsiderate. People aren't toys to pick up when you want to. You're a fake friend. And you lie. You can't expect people to feel sorry for you if you are ALWAYS trying to pull a fast one.
10. I'm glad we've reconnected after so long. You're a real person in the sense that you pull no punches. I hope we keep our friendship strong.
11. You're incredibly two-faced. If you had something to say about my job performance, you should have said it to me; not your kids. They repeat everything you said. And it made me resentful. I'd babysit for you again, but I'd be more upfront. You were cheap with the pay and demanding. But thank you for showing me why it's good to stick up for myself.
12. You're a lot of fun and about 20x deeper than you let on. Thank you for reminding me to let go and chill just by being you.
13. You will NEVER get anywhere as long as you sit on your ass and expect the universe to dump shit in your lap. Your perverse interest in girls as bed partners will land you in jail one day and maybe then you'll straighten up. I pity you. You could have been more.
14. You're so smart and yet so closeminded. Everything is black and white to you and there are so many shades of grey out there. You'll never grow the way you are now. I hope you grow. You have the power to make an impact.
15. You used to be very standoffish and now you seem pretty cool. I'm glad you loosened up over the years of high school.
16. I can't wait to meet you lil sweetpea! I know I can't take anyone's place in your life, but I hope one day I can have my own special place in your life. You're loved by many. You're lucky.
17. You're supposed to be someone people can trust. You lie and you cheat and you cause more problems than you fix. You're not fit to work with children.
18. I liked you. I really did. But my mother didn't approve of your age. When I told you that I meant it. If I hadn't liked you, I would have said so.
19. You're loud and you're funny and I love ya! You're an amazing woman. Don't ever change. Ever.
20. I will always feel like shit walking for what I did to you. You were my first love and I alienated you. I know I'm difficult to like and that I pushed you to what you did. But still. I never ever wanted to hurt you.
21. I wish we were closer than we are. I really do. We're supposed to be family. But I think you resent me for getting time you didn't. I'm telling you: the grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. Thank God you didn't go through what I did.
22. Although we're so alike, sometimes I don't understand why you don't stick up for yourself more. But I think that's changing and it makes me happy.
23. I recently learned something about you that saddens me. I thought you had grown from the sins of your father into a young woman that loved herself. You're great. Don't let anyone tell you different.
24. You are so INCREDIBLY loved. You are his first thought in the morning and his last thought at night. Your photo is by his bed and is the first and last thing he sees. If he could be with you, he would. Speaking from experience, face time is overrated. Love is what counts and sweetie he LOVES you. Things are hard now, but they'll get better. You're another precious one I can't wait to meet.
25. You're a hypocrite. A big one. But you do accomplish some great things. I wish you weren't so fake. You're a great person.

I'm Legal. Finally.

All that really means to me is that I can start decorating my body the way I want. It's legal to have sex with the man that I love now, but that hasn't stopped us in the past two years so eh.

I've been dealing with some adult problems for a while so nothing feels new. But I'm still happy. I and a few other people have worked quite hard to make it to this point. Now while I'm responsible for what happens from here out, I'm not alone. I have friends. I could be closer to them, no doubt about it, but the foundations are there. And then I have my three angels. Whomever I'm forever grateful too. They helped me survive to be who I am today. That wasn't easy trust and believe me. Everything goes according to plan and I will have them honored in ink on my back. (I think there's a prize if you can guess who they are. *wink*)

I'm going dancing tonight. After I sleep all day.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

My heart's desire

is Andrew.

It has been for the past two years. I hung out with Katie today. She's a lot of fun. We laughed and talked about all manners of things.

She's really happy with George. Like unbelievably (I know I spelt it wrong.) happy. That's truly amazing. Really and truly. I have to learn how to go for what I want though. I think the next time we sit and talk it'll be really good for us. I think some questions that I've had on my mind will finally get answered. The talk with Katie today and just the hanging out really helped me.

But the very first thing I'm going to do when I see him, if he lets me, is hug him till he pops. I have had some serious moments of self-doubt lately and I've missed Sweetpea's arms. And his smell. It's very comforting.

As long as I have thoughts like these, I'm never going to be able to be with someone else. So we either need to lay these feelings to rest or act on them.

It's time.

Monday, June 04, 2007


It's like there's all this anger instead me and it keeps gushing out of me.

She's such a fucking bitch.

Sunday, June 03, 2007

You Don't Know Me

I'm just....gah. I'm going to the club with Austin Howe the evening of my birthday. That and getting my industrial done are the only highlights of my birthday. The industrial is being slightly overshadowed by the fact that my mother is still trying to talk me out of it even though my birthday is on Friday. Less than a week away. It sucks. Everything sucks. I'm so sick of that bitch. Just tired. I am my own person. I will never be exactly who you want me to be. Don't be such a bitch about the fact that I'm a goddamn individual. I don't want to go to graduation. It's a fucking bogus ceremony for everyone else but me. I just want to chill and relax with fun people. I'm so over it. I'm ready to bash out some windows. I'm so fucking close to the edge. I'm ready to fuck somebody up in a serious way. I'm angry and I'm over the bullshit. SO SO SO over the bullshit. Fuck this shit. I have to do a series of things:

  • Get a job.
  • Get car insurance.
  • Get car.
  • Move the fuck out.
All of that is going to fall in the place once I get the job. Most jobs come with benefits so there's the health insurance (I didn't list that). With the check comes the place to live and the car and the insurance.

I can't take this anymore.

I Hate

Where I am
What I do
What I look like
Who I am

Thursday, May 31, 2007

The start of healing?

I went to talk to Andrew today. It was an intense conversation. I still have no idea where I stand, but it's better. I feel like there's some kind of end in sight. I have no clue if it's good, bad or ugly, but I see it. After I talked to him, I was a tad frustrated and needed to just clear my head. So I went driving. Since I got into an accident the last time I drove to clear my head, I picked a destination. There was mad traffic heading to NC so I drove to Richmond. My head wasn't too full; just a tad cluttered. I got a flat and Holly's boyfriend Brian came out to fix it. Which was nice. Very nice. Mom and I talked about me driving to clear my head in the evening and why it's dangerous and I shouldn't do it. And she has a point. There's just something about being able to go that....lifts me. I dunno what it is.

I want some sausage. I'd go to Wal-Mart but I have a donut on my car. I REALLY want some sausage though.

By the way, I figured out what bugs me about Nick and his reactions. It's like he's trying to be perfect. Like he's saying he's better than me since he doesn't get angry at anything and I do. Weird.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Worry expresses herself as an argument/Whoa Nelly I can be a bitch

Below is a conversation that I had with Nick. Whoa. All I can say is whoa. Well I can say more than that. I can always say more. I like to talk. I'm a headstrong person. I can't nor would I like to talk to walls. Or even interact with someone that's like a wall. Honestly it seems a bit off to be in an open relationship and bill yourself as available. But since I wasn't it's all good in my opinion. And if Andrew and I were still friends I'd most likely be pissed that I couldn't sleep over at my friend's house. I felt saved and happy in his arms. And I've had so little of that, that I'd pity the fool that tried to get me to give it up. Which might explain why there has been no relationship since I first met Andrew. But all that is going to change now so I guess it's a moot point.

I want/need some advice if you can slog through the im convo. Am I wrong to feel like he's TOO willing and understanding? Or am I seeing smoke where there is no fire? So you're making an informed decision I'm meeting with Andrew tomorrow to discuss how we got where we are now. I just want our friendship to have some closure. I set it up over the phone today. He sounded sad but he said he was sick. During the phone conversation he asked if I still wanted him at my graduation. That confuses me.

Opinions are appreciated.

6:56 PM
RiverGrad07:hey when you get back to the pc I'd like to talk to you
11:02 PM
killerfish13:hey! btw
RiverGrad07: hey
RiverGrad07: I wanted to talk to you
killerfish13:yes ma'am?
killerfish13:sorry, its a habit
RiverGrad07: it's ok
RiverGrad07: I haven't been as nice as I could have been to you lately.
killerfish13:i don't believe you
killerfish13:i think you've been wonderfully nice to me
RiverGrad07: really?
killerfish13:i'm honestly surprised u put up with my random crap-speak
RiverGrad07: hm
RiverGrad07: I just was thinking and I don't feel like I've been as nice as I could have been
RiverGrad07: I mean when I first met you we talked and junk and while I enjoyed our conversations
RiverGrad07: I don't think I was as authentic as I could have been
RiverGrad07: I don't know Nick
RiverGrad07: I was just contemplating things earlier
RiverGrad07: nevermind
RiverGrad07: How was your day?
killerfish13:i thought u were sincere/authentic
killerfish13:the way i see it
killerfish13:if u weren't really being authentic
killerfish13:and i like u as much as i do
killerfish13:then u can only be better
killerfish13:and i can only like u more
RiverGrad07: I can see your point
RiverGrad07: my thought is just that I spent a good chunk of time comparing you to Andrew and now I'm being nice and making it seem as if one day I'll be ready to have true friends again and I don't think that's ever going to come. Almost as if I'm leading you on.
RiverGrad07: Do you know what insanity is Nick?
killerfish13:it's when u don't know what ur doing is insane
killerfish13:ur not insane, because u acknowledge the possibility that u might be
killerfish13:insane people don't know theyre insane
RiverGrad07: insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result
killerfish13:then everyone is insane, because they live their lives with the same thing happening almost everyday
RiverGrad07: exactly
killerfish13:it's that one change in ur life that's worth waiting for
killerfish13:ur never gonna find it if u stick to the mundance repetitions
RiverGrad07: that's true
RiverGrad07: life is complicated sometimes
killerfish13:life is complicated all the time
RiverGrad07: true
killerfish13:and everyone deals with it differently
RiverGrad07: going over my blog makes me think
RiverGrad07: i did some editing and some visual tweaks
killerfish13:what does it make u think of?
RiverGrad07: just life in general
killerfish13:i hope theyre good thoughts
RiverGrad07: I guess
RiverGrad07: you're more than welcome to read it if you like
killerfish13:is it on ur myspace?
RiverGrad07: no
RiverGrad07: although there are things there
RiverGrad07: I mainly post there when I'm in a passive agressive mood and I just want to get someone's attention without speaking to them directly
killerfish13:oh, right
killerfish13:where's ur other blog?
RiverGrad07: beware
killerfish13:what am i bewaring of?
RiverGrad07: I pull no punches on this blog
RiverGrad07: and I name names
killerfish13:am i in it?
RiverGrad07: yep
RiverGrad07: and there are labels
RiverGrad07: on the right hand side
RiverGrad07: when I write an entry, I can post labels about ti
RiverGrad07: it*
RiverGrad07: Nick Fish is your label
RiverGrad07: if you click on it you'll read all the entries about you
RiverGrad07: they're arranged by number though. So I'm not going to lie you're near the bottom. But it's simply because I just really met you
killerfish13:i see
killerfish13:it's cool
killerfish13:u can't see what i wrote
RiverGrad07: You wrote something on my blog
RiverGrad07: Or you wrote something in general
killerfish13:no, in the IM's
RiverGrad07: you should be able to
killerfish13:not on my screen
RiverGrad07: lemme look
RiverGrad07: I can see it on my screen
killerfish13:maybe im just lame and cant read it
killerfish13:i really like who you are
killerfish13:what i know of who you are
killerfish13:and if u werent being all u can be
killerfish13:then i certainly want to learn more of you
RiverGrad07: read the blog. You'll see more. And you won't like most of it. But it's all good.
killerfish13:which one am i reading?
RiverGrad07: what do you mean?
RiverGrad07: the blogger blog has all sorts of shit in there
RiverGrad07: i'm what some would call a walking disaster
killerfish13:you sound like fun to me
killerfish13:you're a great writer, from what i can see
RiverGrad07: I like to write so I should hope that I was somewhat good at it
killerfish13:u should write me a poem, if i draw u a house
RiverGrad07: I could write you a poem
RiverGrad07: but not just because you're drawing me a house
RiverGrad07: I didn't ask for the house. I appreciate it but I didn't ask for it.
killerfish13:i kno
killerfish13:still want a poem, tho
RiverGrad07: ok
killerfish13:only if u wanna write it
killerfish13:im drawin u the picture irregardless
killerfish13:u and me have something in common
RiverGrad07: what would I write it about?
RiverGrad07: what is that?
killerfish13:whatever u wish
killerfish13:and that we both need to learn to do things purely for OUR enjoyment again
killerfish13:according to ur blog
RiverGrad07: that's always been true of me
killerfish13:same here
killerfish13:and i think im finally learnin to do it
RiverGrad07: life is basically everlasting school
RiverGrad07: What are you reading?
killerfish13:goin thru the ones for may
RiverGrad07: may 2006 or may 2007?
killerfish13:it was 06
killerfish13:lol whoops
RiverGrad07: it's cool
killerfish13:u enjoy sausages
RiverGrad07: hells yes bitch
RiverGrad07: they are so good
RiverGrad07: so so so good
killerfish13:lol im glad we agree
killerfish13:i've noticed that i seem to "fall" for black women that seem think they fuck up alot
killerfish13:when in reality
killerfish13:in front of my eyes, they dont
killerfish13:are you bi?
killerfish13:(random question, yes. necessary, yes)
RiverGrad07: it depends on the amount of liquor I've had and what mood i'm in
RiverGrad07: i'm occassionally sexually bi
RiverGrad07: never ever relationship bi
killerfish13:well hot damn
killerfish13:i see a trend
RiverGrad07: everyone has a pattern
RiverGrad07: humans are pattern
RiverGrad07: patterns*
RiverGrad07: mine is semi-alcoholic, smokin, loud-mouthed white boy of Irish decent
RiverGrad07: they tend to be in the service
RiverGrad07: exactly like my daddy except for the white part
killerfish13:that's disheartening
RiverGrad07: why so?
killerfish13:cuz i only fit one of those types
RiverGrad07: i could be changing
RiverGrad07: or it could not matter since i don't plan to get close to anyone ever again
killerfish13:(an awful plan, in my humble opinion)
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
killerfish13:but it's just nice to fit the profile
RiverGrad07: yes it is your opinion
killerfish13:being a skinny white male, i dont fit many black women's perfect guy profile
RiverGrad07: the jury's out on the humble bit
RiverGrad07: i like my men lean
RiverGrad07: i guess
RiverGrad07: i have enough fat for a few people
killerfish13:i dont believe you
killerfish13:but we won't get into that right now
RiverGrad07: you don't have to
killerfish13:ultimately, if ur in my life, i want you to be happy
killerfish13:and i will try my damnest to make that happen, any way i can
RiverGrad07: go for it
killerfish13:are u happy?
RiverGrad07: right now at this moment
killerfish13:why is u happy?
RiverGrad07: i had some frozen white grapes
RiverGrad07: and I adore white grapes
killerfish13:id like some grapes
killerfish13:do u wish to share?
RiverGrad07: but I obsess over them when they are frozen
RiverGrad07: no
RiverGrad07: i skipped that day in kindergarten
killerfish13::( :( :(
RiverGrad07: dude they're like 1.93 at the store
RiverGrad07: they're expensive as shit
killerfish13:thats retarded
killerfish13:why would grapes be that expensive?
RiverGrad07: you work at a grocery store
RiverGrad07: you don't notice shit like that?
killerfish13:i just bag the shit and get carts
RiverGrad07: when you start ringing shit up you'll see
killerfish13:ive noticed there is alot of expensive shit that shouldnt be expensive
RiverGrad07: farm fresh is a gourmet supermarket chain
killerfish13:those bastards
RiverGrad07: well they have to charge higher
RiverGrad07: they have more premium products
RiverGrad07: only grade a eggs
RiverGrad07: 5% of the beef soldis certified angus and the rest is certified prime choice
RiverGrad07: smithfield pork
RiverGrad07: boar's head meat and cheese in the deli
RiverGrad07: you know if you want to sell boar's head you have to call them up and they have to approve you to sell their shit?
killerfish13:jigga what?
RiverGrad07: it's all in the training video you see when you go to cashier training
RiverGrad07: the point though is that they sell top of the line items in most areas of the store
RiverGrad07: and if you're here from Austrailia and there's a type of jam you like you can't find here in US markets, you can go to Farm Fresh and request it and they'll hunt it down and bring it to the store
killerfish13:are u forserious?
RiverGrad07: all you have to pay it what you'd pay for it back home (in US dollars of course)
RiverGrad07: yes
RiverGrad07: that costs money Nick
killerfish13:thats crazy that they do that
RiverGrad07: it's how they keep customers
killerfish13:this is true
killerfish13:i notice the crab legs are like 20 dollars
RiverGrad07: that's just crabs in general babydoll
killerfish13:i like that
killerfish13:i feel speial!
RiverGrad07: I'm savvy. I dress punk/boho/grunge.....
RiverGrad07: but I also have a southern side
RiverGrad07: it shows itself in my caring nature and my speech
RiverGrad07: dialect and verbiage
killerfish13:i like it
RiverGrad07: You realize I use that like all the time right?
RiverGrad07: I called my mom sugarpie earlier today
killerfish13:uve never used it with me before
RiverGrad07: really?
RiverGrad07: that's odd
RiverGrad07: well ok then
killerfish13:well, i got class at 9 tomorrow
RiverGrad07: cool
RiverGrad07: how much of my blog did you read over? Just wondering
killerfish13:umm...down to may 2nd
RiverGrad07: interesting
RiverGrad07: well the whole HIM label is Andrew. As you can see I write about him a lot. (The labels are listed greatest to smallest)
RiverGrad07: I figured I'd say something now
RiverGrad07: guys are funny (stupid) really about guys that came before them
killerfish13:thats very true
killerfish13:i kno i can be
killerfish13:but im workin on it
RiverGrad07: the past is the past
killerfish13:and im not gonna let it bother me too much
RiverGrad07: if she's with you then obviously the bitch before you fell short SOMEWHERE. That or he died tragically in which case you're sorta screwed unless it's been like a year.
RiverGrad07: then again I'm not with you so in this instance I could see how some jealousy is warranted. besides it's an ego boost.
RiverGrad07: babydoll be jealous
RiverGrad07: but do it in your sleep since you have class
RiverGrad07: (btw who the FUCK PLANS class at 9am?...dumbass)
RiverGrad07: Night Nick
killerfish13:its the only one they had
RiverGrad07: two words
RiverGrad07: next
RiverGrad07: semester
killerfish13:one word
killerfish13:im already graduating late
RiverGrad07: online is another word you might wanna pick up
killerfish13:im not disciplined enough to do those
killerfish13:and ill only get jealous if im able to get an ego boost in return
RiverGrad07: looks like you're ass out then
killerfish13:im doin fine with it, tho
killerfish13:or so i think
RiverGrad07: the ego boost comes from the fact that I'm a potential dime piece
RiverGrad07: the kicker comes from the fact a wannabe redneck Northern gutter rat with two kids fucked shit up for you.
RiverGrad07: Don't you have a class or something tomorrow?
killerfish13:yea, and theres no need to be gettin angry at anyone
killerfish13:im just tryin to make things equal
RiverGrad07: equal?
killerfish13:goodnight and sweet dreams, Joy
RiverGrad07: oh you're going to bounce after that cryptic junk? nice.
killerfish13:why should i go through the painful feelings of jealousy when im getting not much in return?
RiverGrad07: good poiny
RiverGrad07: point*
RiverGrad07: I don't know. I'm not really in much of a position to think about well-being that isn't attached to me.
killerfish13:neither am i, which is why i said it
RiverGrad07: touche babydoll touche
RiverGrad07: the sugar is finally melting off of your words
RiverGrad07: 'bout damn time
killerfish13:im not angry or upset about this
RiverGrad07: nobody is
RiverGrad07: life is too short to be angry
killerfish13:then where' all this coming from?
RiverGrad07: you're always so NICE. and SWEET. and UNDERSTANDING. Nobody is like that.
RiverGrad07: At least not to the extent you've been towards me.
killerfish13:i am until i get unjust treatment
RiverGrad07: I figured you had a breaking point where'd you'd stop blowin' smoke up my ass.
RiverGrad07: Just had to find it. And now I have.
killerfish13:and u'd rather have that me than the nice me?
RiverGrad07: I'd rather be told the truth
RiverGrad07: honesty is the best policy
killerfish13:both of them are the truth
RiverGrad07: unless you're in front of the cops
killerfish13:i have no reason to lie to you
killerfish13:or act any way that im not
RiverGrad07: Don't always tell me what I want to hear.
RiverGrad07: Just because I'm depressed enough to warrant hospitalization doesn't mean I want smoke up my ass
killerfish13:i tell you what u want to hear becuase thats what makes you happy
killerfish13:you have to deal with the realism yourself
killerfish13:why should i repeat what you already know, and make you feel worse?
RiverGrad07: Because it's the truth.
RiverGrad07: And in the end it's all that matters.
killerfish13:then i dont need to say anything, then, because we've all got our own truth's and realities covered
killerfish13:no one else can do it for us
killerfish13:im a nice guy, bottom line
RiverGrad07: there's a difference between being sympathetic and being false
killerfish13:and no one was being false
killerfish13:u dont know me that well, so u dont know how real im being and how fake im being
RiverGrad07: Nick when you answered my ad what went through your head?
killerfish13:something along the lines of: here's a sensible girl that might have things in common with me. and doesnt smoke or drink that much, apparently. plus she likes guys like me, apparently. lets see what she's like
RiverGrad07: ok so you were looking to get to know and get close to an available girl who you seemed to match with pretty well
RiverGrad07: if i'm wrong holler now
killerfish13:ur right
killerfish13:im here
RiverGrad07: Until a week from this past weekend, I spent about 70% of my time with Andrew at his place
killerfish13:i am the uniter
i am the divider
i am everyones nothing
i am no ones everything
i am darkness
i am light
i am eternal
i am never
RiverGrad07: If I was sleepy, I slept over there. I'd occassionally drink over there which means I slept over there
RiverGrad07: in his twin bed with him in it
RiverGrad07: we'd go out to eat, to the movies
RiverGrad07: i was with him when you called and we were prom shopping for me
RiverGrad07: i did laundry over there, i wear his clothes when i fuck up mine. or when I underdress which i did a LOT this spring...the weather was a bitch.
RiverGrad07: but the point is we both had in our heads that we were friends but as far as everyone was concerned we were dating. which is understandable considering we're sharing a bed, clothes, food, money, sometimes the shower if we felt like it and having sex.
RiverGrad07: to know all that would piss some guys off
RiverGrad07: and you're just like eh
RiverGrad07: which means you either have NO respect for yourself or you're bothered but aren't going to say shit.
RiverGrad07: which is fake
killerfish13:a couple things
killerfish13:first, if u were so involved, u shouldnt have put out something saying u were available, knowing the effect it might have on guys
killerfish13:second, i didnt KNOW you were doing all that stuff
killerfish13:if i did, i would have backed off and let u have at him
RiverGrad07: Nick 90% of the time when you'd call I was with him. Did you not hear the jets overhead?
killerfish13:and no, my self-respect is not the highest in the world
RiverGrad07: And I was and am available. Cause we were just friends
killerfish13:ok, so there were jets
RiverGrad07: I haven't been in a relationship in almost two years.
killerfish13:nothing went off in my head, "oh, thats andrew"
killerfish13:u basially are in one
killerfish13:a relationship like that is more than just friends
killerfish13:fuck the classifications
RiverGrad07: if i'm looking to date other people and he's trying to date other people then what do you call it
killerfish13:a non-exclusive relationship
RiverGrad07: when he was involved with someone we didn't have sex
RiverGrad07: and that was all that changed
RiverGrad07: we were still best friends
killerfish13:that did EVERYTHING together
killerfish13:how can u be with someone else when 90%of ur time is spent with him?
RiverGrad07: i hung out with my best friend because i had no relationship to be in
killerfish13:yet u would have dropped that 90% to be with someone else?
RiverGrad07: i can relax and do homework and watch tv over there with him and the other guys easier than i can at home
RiverGrad07: i still would have chilled with my friend as much as i could he's getting ready to go out for 8 months. But I would have spent more time with my boyfriend
killerfish13:my question is: if u can do all that with him, what do u need to be in a relationship for?
killerfish13:u have everything u need right there
RiverGrad07: there's no intimacy
killerfish13:as far as i can see
RiverGrad07: there's half assed trust
RiverGrad07: well was
RiverGrad07: he was nowhere near as open with me as I was with him
RiverGrad07: i let it slide because i know he has this thing about making his friends happy and not stressing them but i still killed me
RiverGrad07: slowly. That was a large part of why we were friends.
killerfish13:either way, my ultimate point is, i didnt know u were so involved with andy. i didnt know u, so i wasnt going to be mean or anything to you when i was trying to GET to know you. and it really doesn't matter, because now ur not ready to open up to anybody
killerfish13:why shouldnt i be like, eh?
killerfish13:if i have no chance anyways
killerfish13:im trying to be ur friend, cuz i hate to see people upset
RiverGrad07: being extra nice when you're getting to know someone does no good
RiverGrad07: because you don't truly know someone
killerfish13:i wasnt being EXTRA nice, i was being my nice side
killerfish13:believe it or not, everything i was to you is how i truly am
killerfish13:or truly can be, i should say
RiverGrad07: I do believe I'm picking a fight with you.
RiverGrad07: Nick, no one is nice all the time. It scares me, because the other shoe is sure to drop.
killerfish13:yes, it is
RiverGrad07: And if you let your guard down and you aren't prepared it's bad.
killerfish13:when its appropriate
killerfish13:there was no time that i talked to you that the bad side needed to show up
RiverGrad07: You act like you like everything about and that's weird to me Nick. You have to dislike something.
killerfish13:i am the uniter
i am the divider
i am everyones nothing
i am no ones everything
i am darkness
i am light
i am eternal
i am never
killerfish13:i dislike how honest u are sometimes, but i look past it
killerfish13:if i focus on the bad, then the good gets put behind it
RiverGrad07: but you've never said I was too blunt for you.
RiverGrad07: never
killerfish13:because i deal with it
killerfish13:its not that big of a deal to me
killerfish13:ur blunt
killerfish13:thats u
killerfish13:i cant change it, so why should i try?
RiverGrad07: it's one thing to deal with something and it's another thing to never bring it up.
RiverGrad07: for example, I'm allergic to cigarette smoke. And Drew smokes. When he's stressed he smokes like a chimney. He's been stressed the closer he gets to his deployment cause it's his first big one. I knew I couldn't change it, but I made it known it bothered me. And he made sure not to smoke in my car or near my car. Or near me for that matter.
RiverGrad07: I tried not to harp on it or give him grief
RiverGrad07: that's dealing with it
RiverGrad07: I sure as fuck didn't sit there and choke on cigarette smoke
killerfish13:thats not a part of his personaloty, tho
RiverGrad07: trust me it is
killerfish13:and thats a detriment to ur health
killerfish13:u being blunt isnt
RiverGrad07: ok Nick.
killerfish13:i dont care about winning or losing this arguement
killerfish13:i just want you to understand my side
RiverGrad07: to just sit and suffer with something is disturbing
killerfish13:i live at my house
RiverGrad07: even if you can't change it you should still make it known
killerfish13:im used to it
killerfish13:i hate my mom's nazi, controlling nature
killerfish13:but if i make it known, it will only get worse
killerfish13:i dont think that would happen with the bluntness
killerfish13:but ive learned to deal with things
killerfish13:some small stuff, like bluntness, really doesnt matter all that much to me
RiverGrad07: So how the hell am I supposed to function if I never know when I fuck up?
killerfish13:i didnt say u'd never know
killerfish13:like i did say, it hadnt come up as a problem yet
killerfish13:why should i cause problems if there are none there?
killerfish13:it just complicates thing
RiverGrad07: because it's human Nick.
killerfish13:apparently its not
RiverGrad07: If something bothers you, even something small
RiverGrad07: it's your right to bring it up
RiverGrad07: if it's small you don't have the right to hold onto it
RiverGrad07: but you do have the right to at least address it
killerfish13:if it matters that much to me
killerfish13:i think its funny that ur making more of a big deal out of it than i am, but im the one who dislikes it
killerfish13:ironic, no?
RiverGrad07: Because I like to know when I mess up and it's small.
RiverGrad07: Because if I don't, it won't change, it'll just get worse and next thing I know someone else is hitting me again.
RiverGrad07: I like to prevent shit like that, I bruise easily.
killerfish13:something u need to do, to work on, is to stop thinking of me like someone in ur past
killerfish13:im not them
killerfish13:i never will be them
killerfish13:im not going to hit you
killerfish13:im not going to yell at you
killerfish13:because i dont yell
killerfish13:if i see an unfixable problem, i leave
RiverGrad07: I find it hard to trust the person that doesn't show their anger.
killerfish13:showing my anger only causes more unnecessary problems
killerfish13:when the same thing can be solved without yelling and screaming, and with simple talking
killerfish13:its a complete waste of energy, if you ask me
RiverGrad07: there are lots of things that are wastes of energy: math classes when you're never going to do more than take a stab at balancing a checkbook until you have someone do it for you
killerfish13:i am the uniter
i am the divider
i am everyones nothing
i am no ones everything
i am darkness
i am light
i am eternal
i am never
RiverGrad07: taxes are a waste of energy
RiverGrad07: mowing the lawn when little kids are begging to do it for like 5 or 10 bucks
RiverGrad07: but all those things still happen.
killerfish13:but fighting over something trivial doesnt have to happen
killerfish13:the taxes need to be done
killerfish13:the grass needs to be mowed
killerfish13:the discussion needs to be had
killerfish13:either way, all of them have to get done
killerfish13:i just choose the easier way
RiverGrad07: see that's what I'm saying
RiverGrad07: Just because you're willing to let something go doesn't mean it doesn't need to be discussed
killerfish13:unless it is of little to no consequence
killerfish13:as was this
killerfish13:im not saying dont address it
killerfish13:im saying address it when it matters
killerfish13:it didnt anger me at all
killerfish13:not much does
killerfish13:it just irked me a little
RiverGrad07: so the bluntness didn't bother you. That's your story and I'll let it go. Even though when we talk on the phone I can hear you pause when I've crossed a line
killerfish13:i pause when im thinking of things to say
RiverGrad07: Are you going to say my being friends with Andrew didn't bother you?
killerfish13:yes, i am
killerfish13:because it didnt
killerfish13:who am i to tell you who you cant be friends with
killerfish13:im not ur father
killerfish13:im not your boyfriend
killerfish13:and you knew him before me
RiverGrad07: that's very true. Just to speak hypothetically, because I doubt it'll happen, but if we were to repair our friendship and get back to what was normal for us, would it bother you?
killerfish13:why would it?
killerfish13:im not involved with u and him at all
killerfish13:acording to you, u and me arent really gonna get beyond friends, so its really of no real consequence to our prospective friendship
RiverGrad07: The world is like the seashore; constantly changing
killerfish13:that it is
RiverGrad07: you can go to the beach today and then go tomorrow and see a different shore
killerfish13:if the fact did change, and we were to get together
killerfish13:yes, it would bother me
RiverGrad07: because the individual grains of sand change
killerfish13:but i wouldnt get toether with u til the stuff with andrew stopped
killerfish13:he came first
RiverGrad07: so if i find it in me to be more trusting; I couldn't fix the friendship I had with Drew?
killerfish13:no,im not saying that
killerfish13:its kind of an either/or thing with me
killerfish13:if we're going to date, i would expect certain aspects of ur friendship with Drew would subside
killerfish13:*we were
killerfish13:but i have no right to ask u to stop being best friends with Drew
RiverGrad07: i'm not an idiot i know i couldn't keep sleeping with him if I were in a relationship.
killerfish13:didnt say u were
RiverGrad07: but if we were going to date and him and i were still friends could we still have movie nights or go to the gym or any of the various other things we did?
killerfish13:of course
killerfish13:i cant keep u from doing those things
killerfish13:and im not gonna fool myself into thinking that i can control you
RiverGrad07: if I'd made the nature of Andrew and I's friendship clearer before him and I fought, when I was in more relationship-friendly emotional state, would it have affected you?
killerfish13:i am the uniter
i am the divider
i am everyones nothing
i am no ones everything
i am darkness
i am light
i am eternal
i am never
killerfish13:i think the sleeping together part, yea of course, but otherwise, not really
killerfish13:i know ur testing me with the questions
killerfish13:though i dont know why ur asking them
killerfish13:i am gonna go real soon tho, seeing as i have to wake up in like 5 hours
RiverGrad07:That's cool. I was getting ready to say that earlier.
killerfish13:i am the uniter
i am the divider
i am everyones nothing
i am no ones everything
i am darkness
i am light
i am eternal
i am never
RiverGrad07: I don't test people it's childish.
killerfish13:sorry for assuming, then
RiverGrad07: I just have a problem with people concealing things
RiverGrad07: I need people to be upfront with me
killerfish13:i am, most of the time
killerfish13:just small stuff, i deal with
killerfish13:if it got to be a problem, i would have brought it up
killerfish13:and i still will
killerfish13:along with any other problems that i have
RiverGrad07: That's fine. You just seemed really fake Nick. No offense
killerfish13:i can understand why u would think that, so none taken
killerfish13:but i promise, i wasnt
killerfish13:all, 100% Nick
killerfish13:whether thats a good or bad thing, i dunno
killerfish13:but, that is me
killerfish13:but im gonna go to ze bed
RiverGrad07: later
killerfish13:goodnight and sweet dreams
killerfish13:hope u have a good day tomorrow/today
RiverGrad07: same to you
killerfish13:asleep. art class, sucka!