The start of healing?

I went to talk to Andrew today. It was an intense conversation. I still have no idea where I stand, but it's better. I feel like there's some kind of end in sight. I have no clue if it's good, bad or ugly, but I see it. After I talked to him, I was a tad frustrated and needed to just clear my head. So I went driving. Since I got into an accident the last time I drove to clear my head, I picked a destination. There was mad traffic heading to NC so I drove to Richmond. My head wasn't too full; just a tad cluttered. I got a flat and Holly's boyfriend Brian came out to fix it. Which was nice. Very nice. Mom and I talked about me driving to clear my head in the evening and why it's dangerous and I shouldn't do it. And she has a point. There's just something about being able to go that....lifts me. I dunno what it is.

I want some sausage. I'd go to Wal-Mart but I have a donut on my car. I REALLY want some sausage though.

By the way, I figured out what bugs me about Nick and his reactions. It's like he's trying to be perfect. Like he's saying he's better than me since he doesn't get angry at anything and I do. Weird.

Some clarity and some concerns

Not just for whatever few readers I have, but for myself I need to really just lay some things out.

I went to the hospital late Saturday night/early Sunday morning. I had a severe migraine and a prolonged anxiety attack. I got dizzy, I'm pretty sure I blacked out for a few seconds. I remember my speech being a little slurred and just not being able to say what I wanted. I knew it but I couldn't get it out. It was scary and painful. I had dropped Andrew off at home and was unable to drive myself home. He didn't know I was ill and so he'd been drinking. It got to the point where I needed to go to the ER and Andrew couldn't drive me. It took about 3 hours to reach my mom. I didn't want to call an ambulance because I didn't want Tricare deciding I could have figured out a way there and charging me for it. I've learned from previous experience with Dad that it can be expensive. She came and got me and I went and they put drugs in me and sent me home. I missed work on Sunday.

It was so scary. Based on what happened to me I honestly think I had a small stroke. That's just going on what I know based on experience with my family and first aid training. When I pair that with some basic googling I did, I'm scared.

I'm crying too much to finish this now. Later.

So I have to get myself a motorcycle now

A new guy that I've been talking to lately owns a motorcycle. Even though it was a little colder than preferable, Dustin agreed to give me a ride on it. It was THE coolest thing ever. I mean it. Ever. Completely. I wanted a bike before and now I NEED one. I mean it I need a bike.

What I need is to finish this English assignment.

Details

I wrote this like Saturday. Or maybe Friday. Either way, here it go.




So the past week has been a bit of a roller coaster. My English teacher and I didn't quite see eye to eye and she used my papers as an excuse to have me permanently removed from her class. I tried to fight it but she prevailed since the two papers I wrote were about self-mutilation and BDSM. I didn't write them to show off or cause a fuss but to prove a point. Everything has a humane normal aspect to it. No matter how off the wall and twisted it may seem, everyone is basically the same. It was important to me to write papers that showed that because I feel so unloved and unaccepted. I feel taboo. I was hoping to open a few minds and draw a paralell between these taboo parts of our culture and myself. A part of me is normal. I'm not some horrible person. This was all Monday and Tuesday.

Tuesday I worked from 5pm to 10pm. I'd been dealing with the school stuff all day and I just couldn't face going home and listening to my mother harp on it again and again. So I drove around. I went to the bookstore first and left there about 10:40pm. I drove down Volvo past my house, hit Kempsville and then hit Centerville. Took that down to Mt. Pleasant Rd. and then took that to 464. Went through the tunnel, down Effingham to Geo. Washington Hwy and kinda winded around there on and off Victory Blvd. I got a little tired so I figured I'd go home. I took the Jordan bridge and was on 464 headed home. I took the Military Hwy. exit and went away from my house instead. Went over the Gilmerton bridge and straight down Military Hwy past Geo. Washington Hwy. Ended up going through Western Branch near Joliff. (It's about a stone's throw from where 64 branches off and goes to either Suffolk or Richmond.) I went on 664 a bit. I guess I'm trying to illustrate that I went all over creation.

I decided to turn around and go home. I kept drifting off though. I wasn't drifting on the road too bad but I was drifting off(falling asleep). I'm not sure why I didn't stop. Anyway, I woke up and I was headed straight on for a tree in the median. I guess my foot got heavy while I was sleeping because I remember the speedometer reading 40 mph. So I turn the wheel hard. I'm too close to the tree to avoid it completely so I catch it with the side of my car. I spin around and around and end up about 100 yards (I guess) down the median on the other side of the tree. I called Scott earlier cause I was kinda lost (it was raining earlier and I couldn't find any landmarks) and Portsmouth is his stomping grounds. So I called him again because he was all like if you need something let me know. When I hit this tree, I hadn't eaten or drank anything since Monday afternoon. And I hit the tree at 1:26 am Wednesday morning. (Please don't ask me why I noticed the time.) So I could sense that I was okay but I wasn't really in the car. I was quite out of it. So I called him because it just seemed like the right thing to do. He asked all the appropiate questions (is the car stuck, are you ok, did you hit your head). He then told me to go home NOW, and so after I drove back towards the tree and picked up my hubcap (I bent the hubcap of the driverside front wheel) I did what he said and went home. Called my mama and woke her up to tell her. She told me to come home and hung up. No questions from her. I went home, went to sleep and then to school. I went to school where they informed me that I was going to be doing independent study for my English class from now on. So basically they stuck me in a room by myself for and hour and a half where all I had to think about is how I could have died and how everyone was so indifferent to that. And how I wasn't so sure I was glad that I woke up when I did. Ten seconds later...

I started to cry and get very upset. My math teacher had me go to the office and I just couldn't stop. I'm guessing because of my history, they put me out until I could get a note from a doctor saying I wasn't a threat to myself or others. My mom took me to the ER and I just froze on the inside. Honestly, my mama's being a RN is what kept me from being admitted. That scared me so bad. I'm so afraid of losing my free will, my voice. A part of me died Wednesday.

I called Andrew because I really needed to talk to someone who'd have a snowball's chance in hell of understanding. But once again, the fact that I have no true friends was made startlingly clear.

I'm scared. Scared to think, or speak for fear that it'll be twisted and I'll be put away. No one really gets it and I can't really explain it anymore. I'm so lonely and just in so much pain. And so I cut myself to feel better. And when I can't cut, I starve myself. I'm fully aware that no matter how much I cut or starve myself, I'm never going to be pretty enough or just plain enough to have any true friends that care about me. I know that. But I still hope. If I could talk to my "friends" when I was lonely or sad or feeling hopeless it might be different. But I can't. They can talk to me though. I guess I just don't deserve support.

I haven't been to school since they sent me home Wednesday. I got a note from the ER doctor referring me to a shrink, but the school wants me to see the shrink before I can go back. They set me up with an office that works in pyschiatrist/pyschologist teams. I'm going to be medicated. I'll lose my personality because I'll be coked outta my head. That makes me so sad but at the same time I just can't care about it anymore. I see them tomorrow. I'll probably be forced to go to the counseling person for a while.

That was my week.

ick

So it's about midnight. I was sleeping but I woke up to take out my contacts. Decided to get up and print off something to take into Government tomorrow. I love our discussions. I could argue politics and the state of the nation with Ben and David all day. Lauren too. I feel teribly. I'm not sure if it's because I'm tired or not. I can't remember eating dinner, but I've been arguing with my brother all evening about why I'm not at his beck and call as far as rides are concerned. (Someone lied to this poor boy and told him that since his sister got her license, he will always have his own personal ride and he will never have to carpool again. How sad.) After a couple of rounds of that, I slept the sleep of the dead and then woke up, so I'm a little disorientated. This all translates into me not being able to remember dinner if I had it. I don't want to eat in case I did because that's extra calories that I don't need. But I am hungry and perhaps a little weak from that. Ooo. Bad wording. I KNOW I'm a little (a lotta) weak. I'm just not sure why. I'm going to lay down before I throw up.

To everyone who's blog I read:
I don't remember most of your links off the top of my head. Once I get my laptop back, I will read up and comment on backposts.

Cars aren't my friend

So I figured I'd get up, go work out (worked out at Bally's last night for the first time, loved it), and hang out with Scott before he had to go to work.

Not so.

Mom didn't pick up Dad's insulin or test strips yesterday. Funny thing, she forgot to mention that to me. Dad of course starts screaming at me like it's my fault. So I'm getting up scrabbling to get dressed to get his meds and Mom walks in with it like it's no fucking deal. This man has been screaming and ranting and raving for (no lie) 15 minutes straight. I'm fed up beyond belief. Like bust a blood vessel fed up. And she just waltzes in. After that, I take Matt to get his cleat spikes. That he absolutely must have. After driving to Va Beach and back to drop him off, I get to see Scott. Hurray Scott. He made me smile and laugh which is what makes me consider him a friend. We chilled and then we go to leave. He has to work and I have to go home because he has to work. The charge light was on in my car on the way to his house. Lo and behold, it would not start when we were getting ready to leave. Maybe the universe was trying to tell us to hop back into bed. I don't know. Basically, I bitched and cried like a baby and acted like a punk because I HATE feeling like I'm asking people to go out of their way to help me. I'm afraid, deep on the inside that people won't like me because I ask them for things. And secretly, I just wanna be liked. After that, I get home and Dad is fussing and I'm like what the fuck ever dude. I have Mom take me to work because upon further inspection, my battery AND my alternator are/were shit. So I replaced the battery and now have to get the alternator rewired. Fuck and a half. Work was FUCKING SHIT. I'm looking for another job. One that pays well and doesn't drive me to drink. A thought occured to me tonight that I shall share.

The days I get laid are supposed to be golden. Especially when it's not just good, but happy. Sex with Scott is not as casual as I thought. But neither is it relationship, let's talk marriage sex. It's you're my friend that I can confide in and you make me laugh sex. Very good for the spirit. Scott is good people. Very good people. I shall miss him when he leaves. Laughing isn't easy for me you know. And making me laugh just comes naturally to him. Which is pretty cool. He's fairly cool.

I guess that was a couple of thoughts.

Polite Joy isn't awake at seven in the morning

Today was interesting. HE imed me after sending a couple emails. I went upstairs after pouring myself a big ole Long Island Ice Tea. I fall asleep before I can finish it. I wake up and I'm like ok so it's 7, almost 8 am. I'll finish this off and get up in an hour, down a gallon of water and be good to drive Matt to his orthodontist appt. at 10. While I drive drunk, I don't drive drunk with family in the car. Not even five minutes later, Mom calls. She needs me to come pick her up because the van broke down. So I down water, I mean chug it like a champ. I drive out there and she's ungrateful as hell. Which I didn't appreciate considering driving drunk is one thing but driving hung over is quite another. I don't like driving hung over. Left me a killer headache for the rest of the day. She comes home and bitches about my sailr mouth and my attitude. Of course I wasn't going to tell her that I was drunk. That's no good. But still. She never said thank you. And that's mean. She took up my whole day. I don't mind but she could be grateful.

Realizations

I love to speed. My recent depression had revealed that to me. Could it kill me yes, but at least I'll have fun before I go.

The golden rule is as follows: Treat others as you wish to be treated. I apply it in most situations and it doesn't always get applied to me. The thought that I got was, why should I apply it to people that are fake with me and stab me in the back? I shouldn't and I won't any more. I can be just as fake as other people without feeling any guilt. Because inside I think I'm a decent person.

Stopped by Bally's on the way to work yesterday. I'm no longer going to be the fat friend people take advantage of. The fat girl people lie to and tell she's pretty because they know she's longing to be loved. The fat friend people know they can ask for anything because she's desperate for friendship.

No longer.
Never again.

A good friend of mine got the awesomest oppourtunity. He's been offered a chance to move to New York. I'm envious naturally because I mean come on it's motherfuckin' New York. It's the shit really. But I'm not envious in a way that I hope he doesn't go. I do hope he takes this chance. Not because I don't like him and want him to move away but because he's cool people and I don't want him to be stuck waiting. This situation has made me do a lot of thinking naturally. I'm not applying to any in-state colleges. Because I need to get away. I don't want to be stuck waiting on certain people to treat me right because it's never going to happen. I'm tired of waiting and I won't anymore.

I babysat last night, which is where the driving reference comes from that started this blog. I had to work last night at Sonic though, so I gave Kat Holly's number. Even though it's HIGHLY debateable if she makes the greatest friend, she's good with kids and I know that. Tay and Ri liked her. But just talking about it over the phone with Kat made me want to see the kids and I know they could use all the extra love and hugs and good things they could get since their dad's away, so I stopped by after work. Which sorta worked out cause Holly had to go home before she got back. The kids came to greet me in the driveway, that was nice. Made me feel good. Which I could always use. I'm going over there for a cookout and then work. So I'm doing things today because sleeping and Sonic. Which is good cause I'm starting to resent work at Sonic. So if anyone knows of any good job oppourtunites, keep me posted because yes the money's good and I have fun, but that's starting to be outweighed by the fucked up scheduling and just the rudeness.

That' s it for now. I'm off on my way.

And we're back!!!!

I can't believe I didn't mention this the other day, but I messed up my mother's car. I've been without wheels for the past week and I've been dying. Yesterday, I broke down and cried on the way to school. Having no way out on top of friend drama and the typical family stuff, not to mention additional money woes because Mom didn't get paid last week since she turned in her time sheet late and I added a car repair bill to the mix, and I was strung the heck out.

To explain what I did to the car; I pulled the front end straight off the curb. Scrapped off the bottom of the casing on the radiator, which means we had to replace the whole thing since you can't just repair the casing the way they are welded together. On top of that, I cracked the motor mount. So we're talking $2750 in repairs. So I paid to have the muffler fixed on the Mazda so it's driveable. It handles well and that's good. We'll get the crack in the windshield repaired later since it doesn't obscure my vision whilst I drive.

I can get out again and I might go to the beach after work with Amber, a friend from middle school, I've rediscovered in summer school. She's just as cool as she was in middle school. But now, I feel more on par with her. Like I feel good enough to socialize with her again. That's cool.

Come on, cut me some slack

I screw up sometimes. I'm not even going to lie. But I mean really. Am I not human? I am. And I'm ok with that.

Had a minor snafu with the car. I just have to learn to apply more caution to my driving. A little more caution and a little less speed.

I'm writing a story. Do I know the ending already? Yes. I don't really know how I'm going to get there though. But I'm sure I can figure it out. It'll be interesting to journey with this book. I'm going to have to warn myself to cut me some slack though. I tend to be overly critical of myself at times and that's never good. I'm not sure why I'm that way. It could be because I'm always striving to be good enough for someone. I wouldn't have to always do this if I wasn't always attaching my emotions to people that are never going to find me adequate because they don't care about me enough to look for any good. I'm talking about people like "Mary". And a few other people. I'm not important to some folks that are important to me. That shouldn't be but it is. So I'm stuck with what I've got.

It's not all that bad though right? Right. I have a besty that rocks. I'm going to be ok. I don't know when but I will. Hopefully before I croak. Cause that would be fucked up. To find my happy and then die? Ugh.

...Do we see trouble coming? Do we care?

Some people are just trouble. You get into trouble when you're around them. You lie to see them. You abuse the privlege that driving is. You piss other people off. But you just don't care. Because their hugs are so warm. And he smells so good. So knowing he broke your heart and that he let you down and he made you cry, you're gonna give him another chance.

I see the trouble coming and I don't really care. Cause he's just too much fun.