Cut and paste from Myspace

This has truly been the longest weekend of my life. It started Thursday. It was such a great day. I got my credit card in the mail, which means that I can cover a lot of needed expenses until my first check comes in. Because I definitely got a job Thursday. So, earlier in the day, I got a call from Andrew asking me to take him back to base (he was at the boat). He called me back to say he got a ride and that he wanted to see a movie. I said ok let me go take my math test and we'll go. So I go take my test despite not being in class the week before for the notes. I think I did well on it. Anyway, I get to base and Andrew's like half asleep. Him and I both get an interesting phone call and then we go. We saw Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer and it was good. Before we left, I said when we get back we'll clean up some and wash some things so you can pack your seabag. Because NOTHING was done. Well Fantastic Four was longer than we expected and it was relatively late when we got back. So it was all like let's eat, throw some clothes in the wash and get up VERY VERY early to pack the seabag. Apparently Andrew had some more interesting phone calls in store for him. No sleepy sleep until 2 am. We sleep. It's hot as fuck so it wasn't good sleep but it was sleep. Then at 3 am, three knuckleheads came busting in through the window. Drinking isn't just for weekends anymore. After we (Andrew, his roommate, and I) clear the drunken idiots out of the room we all try to go back to sleep.

Andrew was supposed to be on the boat at 7:30am. Yeah, he didn't get up until then. Because he was up so late and because the subject matter of the calls earlier in the night were upsetting, he had a HUGE migraine. Like he could barely move. So I got the clothes out of the dryer (some time between the calls and the drunken surprise I put the clothes in the dryer) and folded them while he was in the shower. I figured it would help him wake up. No such luck. So he lied on the bed and "helped" me pack his seabag by telling me how much to pack of what. So we go to the boat. And I go home and shower. And turn around to go get him. Then I go babysit. That house.....wow. Lots of animals. Lots of smelly, not cleaned recently animals. I love pets as much as the next person but I also like cleanliness. Whether or not I go back there to babysit remains to be seen. But then I go back to base and we chill out. The three of us (Drew's roommate Marcus came too) went to the NEX to get stuff like soap and junk for Drew to take out as well as a XBox 360. We then went back to the room and passed out.

Ta-Da!!!!!!!!! It is Satuday. I get up at the ass-crack of dawn and go get Becca. We then go to Wal-Mart to buy me some clothes. Because I showered but put on Friday's clothes because I had nothing else. So I bought two changes of clothes and a bathing suit. We then go and get Drew and just like I suspected he isn't ready. A video game waylaid him. I changed and he got up and we went to Pocahontas Pancakes and Waffles. We laughed and cracked jokes about sausage and pancakes and all manners of things. Then we skated from 11th street to the Neptune statue and back. Then we went swimming in the ocean. The two white people (Becca and Drew) balked at the water being cold while I, the chick with the relaxer, strolled in. We frolicked, we fell, we almost drowned. Becca almost floated away. Then we dug up crabs and played in the sand. Then we went back to base and showered. After that it was off to Cinema Cafe to see Evan Almighty. It was funny. Then we dropped Becca off at her sleepover. We're almost to base and I pull over and heave. My stomach is CHURNING. I felt BAD. I figure ok I'll nap and then get up and drive home. No such luck. My nose was running from sniffing cigarette smoke all weekend and I had the worst post-nasal drip ever. It kept making me gag. And heave. Dry heaves are no fun. So I kept waking up and falling asleep. I didn't fall completely asleep until 1am. By that I'd decided no driving for me.

I woke up at 9am. And I tried to sit up. I promptly fell back down. Too dizzy to see straight. Which made me mad. Because I was going to go to the beach. But I cancelled to go to church. And then I was just stuck laying down trying not to puke. Not fun at all. But I felt a lot better after I sent Andrew to Subway. Well not sent. Persuaded to go is better. Yes that's what I'll say. After all I'm no diva, I don't "command" anything. No matter what anybody says. So after that, there is much cleaning and packing that SHOULD HAVE BEEN DONE FRIDAY!!!!!. *cough* I dropped him off at the pier and then I went to my new job. I had a nice dinner there and then I came home at 9:30pm. I have laundry to do and school work. But I chose to write this instead. And now I'm done. And I'm going to sleep for at least two days straight. In AC. With no drunk people or gamers anywhere. Just me sleeping. It'll be great.


Ok some additional stuff.

• Still no period. But I have a credit card now so we shall see what's what. I really would like to think it's stress from the family shit.
• I'm not doing the live in position because it makes me uncomfortable. That and Andrew needs to move out of the barracks ASAP to start collecting BAH. So he asked and I said yes and we'll be roomies.
• I feel really weird about that.
  

when we shatter we form pretty patterns on the sidewalk

Well......just well. Since the last time I wrote I have talked much with many people. Actually I haven't really. I stil haven't completely tackled the way I let Stever down and I might not for a while. But it's out there and I feel a little less fake. And that's a good thing. Being or feeling fake is neither fun nor easy.

I like my job. It fits me. It's about the only thing that actually does. But hey it's still something. I just have to be on time. Being on time is going to be the bane of my existence. Truly it is. But I shall do it. It's going to take work.

As usual Andrew is Andrew. And things with Andrew are things with Andrew. I don't like them but I don't hate them either. They just are. It's the way my life has always been. Things just are. I can't have any control over anything because everyone else has to have it.

There are more and more instances popping up where I wish I was a little less stupid. A little smarter. Better. I just want to be better. Less of a slut. Less of an idiot. Less of a bad daughter. You know, despite my many many complaints, I love my parents. I'd just like to be right once in a while. I'd like to do/say the right thing. I'd like just for once to be looked at as right. Maybe I never will. That's depressing when you think about it. Which is why I don't. At least I try not to. But every now and again it pops up.

The mouring bell tolls for this situation

If you have half a brain in your head, then you're well aware that lately I've been mulling over the idea of moving in with Andrew and Erica. It'd just be Erica and I in the home while Andrew's out to sea at the end of this year. I've been really mulling it over, referring with people very close to me and getting their opinions. But I've just really been doing some soul searching. Some deep thinking.

I'm not going to be moving in with Andrew.

A lot of different things led to this decision. But the main thing is the main reason that prompted me to want to do it. Erica. If 1/10 of what Andrew hints at is even remotely accurate (he's very mysterious with details), then that child has been through SO much already. I'd hate for her and I to get attached and then Andrew fall in love with some new chick or fall back in love with Kelly (I honestly think the possibility is there) and then BAM!, I'm out on my ass. I'd hate for her to have to lose another person. I mean she's eight and it seems as if she's been through hell already. That's not fair to her.

It's also not fair to me and the things that make it unfair to her are part of that. Andrew and I aren't dating. Point blank period. No matter how much I want that, no matter how many times I sleep with him, that's the fact of the matter. I have no reason, no right to any place in any home of his. If he falls in love with some girl (it's almost a guarentee; being in a relationship makes him happy and he's all about actively trying to be happy right now) then just because of the person that he is, he's going to want to be with her all the time. He's going to want to move her in. I know him and I know that could be a possibility. My folks are very big on their house not having a revolving door. If I'm going to decide that I can handle a rent payment and bills then that's it. I've made that choice. They want me to understand that it can't be made lightly. While I feel ready to shoulder that responsibility; if Andrew tosses me out to move some girl in, then I'm out on the street because going back home isn't an option for me. I can't risk being homeless because of his libido.

I love that boy. No stratch that. I'm IN love with that boy. I want him to succeed in life and be happy. I want his children to be happy. And I want to be happy. To have a happy life for once. I need to get away from my parents, but getting away from my parents with Andrew isn't an option. Well it is but it's not the right one. Not to mention he's been very wishy-washy about a time frame. If I had chosen to do this, it would affect my whole life. My schooling, my job. If I were to plan my life for this and then he pulls the rug out from under me, then I've got things I might not want that I'm stuck with.

I'd be giving too much, he wouldn't be giving enough, my future would be at the risk of Andrew's libido, and Erica could get hurt in a really bad way.

While the first two bother me in a serious way, the last two are what make me say this is something I shouldn't, can't do.




The first two make me think that maybe Andrew and I are unhealthy for each other.

The River Runneth

I'm a talker. I like to talk. Especially when something big is going on. I think I'm looking for the right reaction. The right bit of advice. I just.......when something is weighting heavily on my mind, I like to get outside opinions. I also talk a lot when I'm superbly excited. I don't know. Well I do know. I'm just not sure what to do about it.

I'm a little lonely, a little broke, and a lotta bored.

Some people are still horridly self-absorbed. It's really annoying, but entertaining enough.

I'm still talking to people that I haven't spoken to in a while. I'm using time wisely. I might get a co-worker I know. Sweet!

We're on an upswing now, I told you we were stars girl

Things are most definitely going a lot better than they were. I have a job now with Map Communications. I start after PRIDE conference on the 16th of April. I'll start out at $8 an hour and there are opportunities to quickly increase my wage. There are plenty of benefits that go with this job and it's going to allow me to attend school full time in the evening and also be home for Erica if that's needed of me. While nothing is set in stone yet, if it comes up I want to be prepared.
I've gone to the gym twice this week and I feel alive. I'm going to continue to make time for it, that is definitely for sure. I'm going to really make an effort to live healthier. Since I'm not so bogged down and underpaid, I feel happier and so I have more energy to devote to bettering myself.
I sat down with a counselor to map out my degree plan at TCC. I'm going for an associate's degree in social science. It'll transfer to ODU with no problem and I'll be able to help people later in life.

Life is good right now.

Jobless and ok with it

Rest assured people. I have interviews next week. I know I spend WAY too much to jobless for long. But it's going to be ok for the amount of time that I am. I was just tired of being shit on for absolutely nothing. If I'm going to be working full time, I should have SOMETHING to show for it. And I have nothing because I was getting nothing from Kat but grief. I'm not even going to speak on that. All I will say is you can't expect kids to listen to someone you belittle. And you should have the balls to say it to that person's face. Farm Fresh is a whole nother load of shit. You WILL NOT accuse me of faking being sick in front of customers when I have just thrown up. If I can't transfer to another location then I'm quitting. I had them take me off the schedule until Jamie gets back to me about the status of my transfer. So I might as well not work there.

I have to learn to consistently stick up for myself. It's more than a little fucked up that that is the lesson I'm learning at 17.

Highly frustrated

I hate both of my jobs and I hate my house. But I'm working on fixing all of that. But it's hard to be able to cope with the dissatisfaction I'm dealing with from everything. I'm really not happy with anything that's going on in my life right now. Except for the way my friendship with Andrew is progressing. That and that I see more connection with Stephen in the future. Which is good. I like reconnecting with people.

I said on Wednesday I didn't want to spend the night at Andrew's.....you know and I know and EVERYONE knows that was a straight lie. I swear that boy can make me smile just by breathing. He's a really amazing person. I resent all the time over the past year and a half that we spent arguing.

Yet Another Crazy Weekend

So. Last Thursday I graduated from high school. Well finished. I graduate in June. I spent that night over at Andrew's. Got up around seven when he left for work and crawled back into bed. Talked to Gerri across the room. Got up and showered at noon and dropped Drew off at a hail and farewell at Kelly's Tavern. Went home, went and babysat at Kat's house later in the evening. Came home, went to work Saturday morning. I was working (planning) on a nice home cooked meal for Andrew and his buddies but Andrew wanted to hang out with Melissa. I was upset about that, although I don't know why because it's not like I have any hold on him. But anyway I sat for Kat that night and chilled over there Sunday. Went and got Mommy's cake and flowers. Spent time at home there. Went to Andrew's to borrow his webcam and ended up spending the night there. Cried myself to sleep because it was my momma's birthday and I know she just wanted me home. But I let time get away from me and then weather got bad. It cleared but I was SOOOO tired I couldn't possibly drive. Andrew held me while I cried. I felt so bad. And she's pissed. I have to go home and deal with that. I skipped class today and PRIDE too. I'm just so tired. Payton was cranky because he didn't take a long nap. The majority of his nap he was locked in my car.

A Run-Down of My Weekend

Friday

• Came home after getting my paycheck. I did that right after school.
  
• Took Dad to Office Max and 7-11.
  
• Time is now 7pm. I head out to Oceana figuring I'd check on Andrew while waiting to see Josh since Josh hadn't called me yet.
• 7:20pm-Get to Andrew's. He's happy to see me, I'm happy to see him, we have missed each other greatly.
  
• 7:55pm??-Me and Andrew get busy.
  
• 9:30pm-I call Josh and leave one last message and say screw it and him. Andrew asked me to sleep over and I agree.

Saturday

• Much fun ensues as Tim comes over and there is much drinking and laughing and DDR.
  
• 1:20am-We have kicked Tim out and are having sex again.
• 2:20am-We've taken a shower, I have borrowed clothes from various people and now I am sleeping. Andrew joins me sometime in the night.
  
• 7:00am-The alarm goes off and we ignore it.
• 8:36am- I see the clock and scramble to get going to Saturday school which starts at nine. In Chesapeake.
• 9:15am-Get to Saturday School in Tim's pants and Drew's shirt and lie about having car trouble so I can get into Saturday school.
  
• 12:00pm-Get out of Saturday school, run to go get gas, drop off Dad's parking pass at the Tricare clinic, and head to the house to change into my work pants.
  
• 1:15pm-Get to Girl Scouts in Norfolk, get Taylor signed up with my troop
  
• 3:00pm-Leave there and go to work.
• 7:00pm-Get off work and go home
• 9:00pm-Head to Kat's to babysit and spend the night.

Sunday

• I basically stayed at Kat's until about 4pm. Then Dion came over and took me to the mall so I could show him his tux for my prom.
  

I was busy this weekend.

I'm dumb

I just finished reading a blog about my friends that I wrote before Daddy had the stroke/heart attack. I'm so different. And I go back and read things I wrote before the Jason thing and I'm different yet again. Life keeps happening and it keeps changing me for the worse and I hate it. However I don't have time to wallow in bed, I have to go to work depressed.

By the way, I might be a bad person, but I'm a firm believer in getting out of the universe what you put in. You can only fuck your friends over so many times before you catch it in the teeth.

So I make a bad human? I'm still human.

I have these days when I realize things. And it's always like a streak of lightning. Scary to say the least. Well not scary. More like frustrating. I can't be smart about life all the time....why? It's like I learn a lesson and live it for a few days and then poof it's gone. But no matter what, I'm holding onto my resolution for 2007:



SPEAK UP!!!!!!!!!!!!

When someone hurts my feelings, I shall be quite loud about it. Extremely loud about it. I'm calling people on their crap. Most def. Some folks are going to see me being a lot more verbal. A lot more verbal. And not in the way I used to be. But in a slightly more intelligent way. I am not a doormat.

Moving on, I'm never going to like my dad. I love my father. With all of my heart. He's a funny, intelligent guy. But he's mean and nasty as well. And that's just a simple fact of life. I know one thing though, he needs to chill with the rudeness. I'm not obligated to take him to play the lottery. Especially since it's a waste of a social security check. He really plans to spend the whole money he gets from the gov't on booze, smokes, and the lotto. Whatever makes him happy and keeps his wife working like a dog I guess.

I have work in the morning, so I'll make this short. I'm crude sometimes, but I don't think that makes me a bad person. It's makes me colorful at times. And at times it just makes me a crazy, black female. Which is what I was born as. So it shouldn't be a problem for you. And if it is......screw yaself and quit bothering me.

Christmas Goodies

I bought myself a camera and a case for it. I also bought myself a headset for my phone. I might get myself some shoes after I get paid. I can't wait to start nannying. I'm gonna be so paid it's gonna be fantabulously sick. Woohoo!!!!!

In a box

Oftentimes I feel like the world is trying to box me in with a variety of things. Negative words, mean words.....I guess you could say words in general.

I'm just tired. My mother's a bitch. Sorry to say. Just because your asshole of a husband is sick doesn't mean you get to be bitchy to me. In fact you should be nicer to make it a little easier to ignore his bitch ass. Because I can't stand him really sometimes.

I'm just full of anger right now at a bunch of small shit. And the problem with that is that people keep shoving me into these fucking itty bitty boxes and so the anger is smothering me. I'm tired of hyperventilating until I pass out because I'm trying to hold my rage in so I don't break anything. That gets old. Quickly. Very quickly.

I'm still fat. Still unlovable. Still displeased.

I do believe it's time for some retail therapy, no?

I hung out with Alyssa and Joanie tonight and it was fun. The only fun of the day really. Thank God I quit Sonic. If I hadn't I would have quit now.

Reconstruction

So I've gotten microbraids, taken to painting my nails, and wearing makeup to school.

I'm trying to take better care of myself. It's working, up to a point. My sessions with Dr. Just, (the shrink I saw to get back in school) have made me feel that perhaps if I want to feel better, I should work on the outside. After all, it's hard to feel good about yourself when you can't stand the way you look.

I'm not so certain I should be so focused on the physical stuff but it's something I actually have control over. So I work on it. Maybe once the packaging is prettier, I'll feel good enough about the inside to give a hoot.

I have plans to hang out with HIM on Monday. I'm excited about it. I only have school two days a week next week and Monday is one of my days off. So I'm going to hopefully hang out with Alyssa, Holly, or some other friends I haven't really chilled with lately and then him. I'd like to possibly use one of those days to maybe have lunch with Trevor, the boy mentioned in the last post. If I didn't mention him I meant to. I got in contact with him via a Craigslist ad. And he's nice. Super nice. Cute. Easy to talk to. A month out of a year long relationship. Needless to say, I'm a little hesitant to get into a relationship with him. I want a relationship and I think there's a lot of possibilities with him. We have great conversation. I've just stalled on meeting him because I don't want to get into something with him just to have him step out on it. And I'm still emotionally attached to HIM. It's not just any individual thing. It's the whole package.

I quit my job at Sonic last night. Turned in my two weeks notice. The pay just isn't worth the aggravation and the stress. I can work less hours and make more money somewhere else. So that's what I plan to do.

Details

I wrote this like Saturday. Or maybe Friday. Either way, here it go.




So the past week has been a bit of a roller coaster. My English teacher and I didn't quite see eye to eye and she used my papers as an excuse to have me permanently removed from her class. I tried to fight it but she prevailed since the two papers I wrote were about self-mutilation and BDSM. I didn't write them to show off or cause a fuss but to prove a point. Everything has a humane normal aspect to it. No matter how off the wall and twisted it may seem, everyone is basically the same. It was important to me to write papers that showed that because I feel so unloved and unaccepted. I feel taboo. I was hoping to open a few minds and draw a paralell between these taboo parts of our culture and myself. A part of me is normal. I'm not some horrible person. This was all Monday and Tuesday.

Tuesday I worked from 5pm to 10pm. I'd been dealing with the school stuff all day and I just couldn't face going home and listening to my mother harp on it again and again. So I drove around. I went to the bookstore first and left there about 10:40pm. I drove down Volvo past my house, hit Kempsville and then hit Centerville. Took that down to Mt. Pleasant Rd. and then took that to 464. Went through the tunnel, down Effingham to Geo. Washington Hwy and kinda winded around there on and off Victory Blvd. I got a little tired so I figured I'd go home. I took the Jordan bridge and was on 464 headed home. I took the Military Hwy. exit and went away from my house instead. Went over the Gilmerton bridge and straight down Military Hwy past Geo. Washington Hwy. Ended up going through Western Branch near Joliff. (It's about a stone's throw from where 64 branches off and goes to either Suffolk or Richmond.) I went on 664 a bit. I guess I'm trying to illustrate that I went all over creation.

I decided to turn around and go home. I kept drifting off though. I wasn't drifting on the road too bad but I was drifting off(falling asleep). I'm not sure why I didn't stop. Anyway, I woke up and I was headed straight on for a tree in the median. I guess my foot got heavy while I was sleeping because I remember the speedometer reading 40 mph. So I turn the wheel hard. I'm too close to the tree to avoid it completely so I catch it with the side of my car. I spin around and around and end up about 100 yards (I guess) down the median on the other side of the tree. I called Scott earlier cause I was kinda lost (it was raining earlier and I couldn't find any landmarks) and Portsmouth is his stomping grounds. So I called him again because he was all like if you need something let me know. When I hit this tree, I hadn't eaten or drank anything since Monday afternoon. And I hit the tree at 1:26 am Wednesday morning. (Please don't ask me why I noticed the time.) So I could sense that I was okay but I wasn't really in the car. I was quite out of it. So I called him because it just seemed like the right thing to do. He asked all the appropiate questions (is the car stuck, are you ok, did you hit your head). He then told me to go home NOW, and so after I drove back towards the tree and picked up my hubcap (I bent the hubcap of the driverside front wheel) I did what he said and went home. Called my mama and woke her up to tell her. She told me to come home and hung up. No questions from her. I went home, went to sleep and then to school. I went to school where they informed me that I was going to be doing independent study for my English class from now on. So basically they stuck me in a room by myself for and hour and a half where all I had to think about is how I could have died and how everyone was so indifferent to that. And how I wasn't so sure I was glad that I woke up when I did. Ten seconds later...

I started to cry and get very upset. My math teacher had me go to the office and I just couldn't stop. I'm guessing because of my history, they put me out until I could get a note from a doctor saying I wasn't a threat to myself or others. My mom took me to the ER and I just froze on the inside. Honestly, my mama's being a RN is what kept me from being admitted. That scared me so bad. I'm so afraid of losing my free will, my voice. A part of me died Wednesday.

I called Andrew because I really needed to talk to someone who'd have a snowball's chance in hell of understanding. But once again, the fact that I have no true friends was made startlingly clear.

I'm scared. Scared to think, or speak for fear that it'll be twisted and I'll be put away. No one really gets it and I can't really explain it anymore. I'm so lonely and just in so much pain. And so I cut myself to feel better. And when I can't cut, I starve myself. I'm fully aware that no matter how much I cut or starve myself, I'm never going to be pretty enough or just plain enough to have any true friends that care about me. I know that. But I still hope. If I could talk to my "friends" when I was lonely or sad or feeling hopeless it might be different. But I can't. They can talk to me though. I guess I just don't deserve support.

I haven't been to school since they sent me home Wednesday. I got a note from the ER doctor referring me to a shrink, but the school wants me to see the shrink before I can go back. They set me up with an office that works in pyschiatrist/pyschologist teams. I'm going to be medicated. I'll lose my personality because I'll be coked outta my head. That makes me so sad but at the same time I just can't care about it anymore. I see them tomorrow. I'll probably be forced to go to the counseling person for a while.

That was my week.

Updates

Ok, so I'm trying to get in a few college visits. As far as NYU goes, I need to see if I can contact some friends on mine in DC and see if I can't stay with them and just take the train up. But my school is making some trips to VA colleges so I'll be able to see if I want another backup.

Scott's not moving to New York. I'm not entirely sure how he feels about this since he's not really talking to me. Could be he's doing his withdrawal thing that he does from time to time. Or it could some girl he's met. He seemed excited/apprehensive about it. Like I said, I have no clue how he's feeling or thinking because we don't talk all that much. He is vouching for me with Farm Fresh which I'm grateful for. This whole withdrawal thingy smells entirely too much like the Jason situation. Which I'm not down for AT ALL. I WILL NOT go through that with another friend. Just won't. Not that I want to be all up in his face or whatever. It's just that something seems to be bothering him and I've neither been told no there isn't or yes there is but it's done of your damn business. I don't like being unsure when dealing with people. It ultimately ends up with everyone mad at you cause you fucked up.

Someone is stealing from Sonic. Right now it looks like it's me. I don't steal, but until Glen can get ahold of corporate and confirm that, I'm stuck. Hence the job search. I'm not too sad over it. I hated Sonic. With a passion that burned like me for HIM. Yes, HE found a way to creep into this post. Deal with it. And wish me luck on the new job hunt.

I'm not so surprised

I didn't make the step team. Go figure. But it's okay. I tried out because I wanted to try a new thing. I wasn't laid out in the nurse's office crying over it. That's a bit much. I've worn shades to school for the past two days to combat a migraine headache that has been my buddy since Sunday. People crack jokes, but then again people are always laughing at me so no surprise there. None at all.

No one calls me anymore. I'm lonely. Yes I spend a lot of time doing homework or working or doing extracurriculars but I feel like I'm just drifting along in a sea of people by myself. And it would be nice if someone could email me for a change. Or when they talk to me, not make it seem as if I'm a last thought. I miss those days of falling asleep on the phone with someone because they cared enough to talk to me at two in the morning when I was feeling bad and couldn't sleep. I miss feeling like people actually like me.

Someone recently exposed the stupidity of not going to the doctor since last November to me. All I can say is I have no time so either make my dad well and go work a shift at Sonic for me so I can breathe or shut the fuck up about it. Shutting the fuck up seems to be the least expensive bet.

So..

1. Papa went to the ER tonight because of his leg still hurting from when I caused him to fall Tuesday before school.
2. Being in the heat during Girl Scouts and my car when I got a flat and then being in the cold of Sonic has cause my allergic reaction to turn into a cold.
3. I want to sleep while being held.
4. I can't think straight.
   
5. often wonder if there's any point in telling anyone anything anymore.
6. That's a lot of anys.
7. HE called around nine and I was working until ten tonight so I missed HIS call by like an hour.
8. I'm mad as hell that I missed HIS call.
9. I'm actually mad as fuck.
   
10. I don't like people(friends).
11. I'm not that fond of people in general.
12. I hate my job.
13. I'm too lazy to find another one.
14. I'm too lazy to find a better paying one.
    
15. I'm just lazy.
16. Any problems of anyone I know are my fault apparently.
    

Today has been a full day, this week has been a full week

I went to school today. Stayed awake for review and what not. Slept for the 30 minutes towards the end of the class since we were all chilling and shooting the shit anyway.

After that I went and sat for the Withey family. I love sitting for that family. They're just sunny, laidback happy people. Tanned and healthy and just generally fun to be around. It was good for me to watch the kids today. Taylor had her friend over and THAT was interesting. Sometimes kids can be so mean to each other, it's insane. No matter how much babysitting I do, the pain still inside waiting until I'm unaware to catch me. That's a little heartbreaking when you think about it.

I have to go to work at nine, work until twelve, and then get up and take a test tomorrow. But tips are valuable and I need them. I need a lot of things.

Steve, I'm so incredibly sorry and I swear I'm trying to do better. I'm not that successful but I'm trying.

The weekend really wasn't my own

I worked everyday this past weekend. For copious amounts of time. I made money which apparently I will need. I'm so sick of being broke. And I'm tired. Very tired. Comment if you want to, I don't really care. Well I do but not enough to bitch about it.