Growth

Growth is a big part of life. So is change. Sometime they're quite scary but what can you do? You can't skip out on life. I went to Harbor Fest Saturday to see the fireworks. I really enjoyed them. Lightning, fireworks.....the sky is an awesome thing to watch. Always. I've grown a little bit. Other people I know have grown quite a bit as well. While it's a tad discomforting because change is different and it's scary, I'm also quite happy. When I went to Harbor Fest I was with Stephen and his girlfriend, her brother and his girlfriend, and her friend and her boyfriend. I've known Stephen for a while. We were EXTREMELY tight. We were both going through some deep shit. We needed each other. We were sounding boards for each other.

Stephen doesn't need me anymore. And I'm glad. I felt a little ignored and not at all liked by any of the other people there. Except for Sara. She seemed pretty chill. The thing is though it was ok. I've never really seen Stephen THAT out of his shell. It was a happy sight. Not that I'm saying he's like socially stunted. That's not it at all. He was just....relaxed and open. Happy. It was nice to see.

My tattoo that I'm getting is going to be quite emotional for me. I'm excited about it. I'm also excited about my second piercing. I'll take pictures of it once the swelling goes down a bit. The industrial is quite sweet I must say. Anyway, next on my list after I gain some employment, is a tongue piercing and a tattoo on my right hip. I won't say what it is yet because I want it to be a bit of a surprise. Rebecca had something to do with it though. She inspired it if you will. I'll let yall think on that for a second.

RMS

How do you say you can't help someone anymore because you're afraid of putting yourself in harm's way again?

Addictions are terrible things. I'm partially free of mine. I'm so proud of that. And I worked so hard for it. I don't think it's possible to be completely free from an addiction. There's always the possibility that a trigger will rear its ugly head. There's always the possibility of relapse. Always. You reach a point I like to call the functioning point and then you're through. It's the point where you've not only gotten to where you can function without your crutch physically but you're ok with that mentally.

I guess my wonder, my question, my fear is that I'm not as close to that point as I thought if I feel unsure of my ability to cope with RMS and her complete lack of will to quit. We share the same addiction. It's like she's glad that she has a problem. Which in a twisted way makes sense because everyone in her family has some kind of concrete problem that is all official and well-known and there's medication available and.....I wonder if amongst the eating disorder and the bipolar disease, the alcoholism, the ADD (complete with INSANE anger) and the Superman complex that's resulted in an inability to cope with mistakes if she just felt lost and decided she needed to stand out. I'm not saying that's why she started, I'm saying I think that's why she doesn't want to stop. Because despite verbiage to the contrary it's like she's unwilling to stop. She doesn't even really try. Believe I know it's hard. Self-injury is a bitch to fight with. But....you have to at least try to fight. When she has a couple of good days, she's not happy about the good days but seeking a trigger and excuse to wreck the good streak. Yes she saying she wants to quit but not truly trying has been going on a very long time. Maybe it's the length of time I've been exposed and not the behaviors I'm exposed to that make me feel like I can't handle it anymore without risking my recovery.

It's valid. But I still feel like a selfish bitch.

I can't afford to sacrifice my recovery. I've got too much at risk. My job, my schooling (especially in light of the VT massacre), people. I think. I'm not all together sure of where I stand with some people. But I can't risk it. And as a responsible person don't I owe it to myself to remove myself from these possible triggers? I feel like I'm backsliding. When I hit a rough patch (there have been quite a few lately) it's the first thing that pops to mind. It's like I'm taking steps backwards.

It's valid. But I still feel like a selfish bitch.

It hurts my feelings to think I'm not as far as I originally thought. I know any progress is good and I should be glad with what I have. But still.

How do you tell the friend that's been so good to you that you can't help like you said you would. How do I tell him it's gotten bigger than I can manage when I told him I'd handle it?

It's not easy, but nothing's supposed to be

I watched tonight's episode of True Life. It was about self-harm. They followed the standard format and had three people up there. One pulled her hair and the other two were cutters. On was strictly a cutter and the other one also chemically burned her skin. The hair puller was hard to watch because it made me think of how Mom's missing most of her hair because of the whole fiasco that went down the night of senior banquet. Lots of times in life bad things happen. And there's nothing you can do about it but deal. When I look back over my life, I'm surprised I can get up and smile anyday. It's a miracle I don't self harm anymore. It also has a lot to do with people in my life. There's some talks that need to be had.

I'm using this time that Andrew's out on det to reconnect with other people and get caught up on a lot of loose ends. It's been good.

Clarification

Ok so I haven't done the one thing that could make me feel like a whole person again. For some reason, the opinions of the people that use me are important to me. Important enough for me to deny myself what I need in favor of their approval.

I doesn't mean I have to talk, chill, and/or associate with these sons of bitches.

I'm craving it

It's like meth for me.

I want it so bad. I can feel the bite of the knife as my flesh opens up and blood spills out washing away the irritation, the agitation, the hurt feelings.

I can feel the heat of the lighter as fire burns away the disappointment and the pain.

And yet I am unharmed. I've cried a lot today (I haven't gone to sleep yet so my day is not over) but I am essentially unharmed.

Why you ask?

• Stevie
• Mommy
• Andrew

Not that the bottom two give two shits about me right now. One is wrapped up in her husband and her son, the other in some new chick that will surely fuck him over and use him and leave me to clean up the mess and put sweet pea back together again. It's all very Humpty-Dumpty. I am the king's horses AND his men.....and it's a fight to put him back together again.

It'd be really nice if someone took care of me for once.

Unnecessary Wants

At times, like right now, I feel like maybe my wants aren't that big of a deal. Because if I could truly use everything I wanted emotionally and personally, then maybe I'd actually get some of it. I think maybe I don't get anything and I always feel so unfulfilled because I think I need more than I do.

I want to cut but I can't
I want to eat but I can't
My soul is weary
And I can't breath

I'm so scared, and I'm so alone. And it's heartbreaking.

You Can't Finish Last Place if You Never Finish At All

Last night's post was a tad unfinished but I guess I dozed off or what have you. I'm quite lazy an dhave a tendency not to follow through on a lot of things. The loneliness consumes my piece of mind. Just eats it right up. I hate to cry and yet I do it with alarming frequency.

Yesterday I saw Holly's mom in the parking lot of Home Depot as I was going in there to buy a new knife(I lost mine.) We had a nice chat while she blocked the parking aisle about responsibility and how some of us have it and some of us just don't. I'm sure responsible people don't cut themselves or even dream of it as I do, but then again it didn't come up so let's not go borrowing trouble.

I really really do miss HIS friendship. I miss feeling safe and liked. I miss being held.

I Hate Everything

No amount of self-mutilation is going to make me feel pretty enough to be accepted by anybody. No matter how often I tell myself this it doesn't seem to make it easier to live with myself. I hate who I am. Completely. I have no friends. I'm too fat, too ugly, and I basically have no talent that makes people want to be my friend. There's nothing cool about me. There's nothing that can tempt people to me long enough to get them to like me.

I miss my friendship with HIM. I used to have someone I could call when I was feeling bad. And now I'm just alone. Forever alone. I miss having friends. But people move on and have better lives without me cause I'm not the nicest person alive. In fact I'm horrible.

Last Night

I attempted to kill myself. It didn't work. Again I failed. At yet another thing. I just can't live with the guilt that my dad is the way he is because of me and my inability to keep people from being mad at me. I could cause him to have another stroke because I keep fucking up. I came home from PRIDE and he was just screaming and screaming and screaming. It was horrible. I'm horrible. Not to mention I can't do anything right. I can't even kill myself when I want to.

I ate today. Potato chips, an apple, and a tiny piece of cake. So along with being a failure and a bad daughter, I have no self control.

The Long Road Home

Ok so it's not long but on the drive home today I didn't drive less than 40 mph. It was thrilling. Exhilrating. It was bliss. Slightly dangerous? No. It was a lotta dangerous. The way home is quite curvy. But I loved it.

I love my new bag. It has room for everything. A small notepad, my wallet, my flask, my knife, a calculator and other assorted things that I can't think of and don't feel like digging through it to identify.

I'm not tired but I have nothing to say. Except for that I ate a bowl of cereal, a sandwich, a chicken wrap, mozzerella sticks and a chocolate cream pie shake. Not all at the same time but still. I feel so fat. And unhealthy. But I can fix it tonight. Later. And it's going to be bliss.

The Guilt and the Shame

Today I ate. I had an apple, a small piece of steak with a slice of rye bread wrapped around it, a small bag of potato chips, and two bowls of fruit loops.

If I had any will, I'd make myself puke to throw it all back up again. Or perhaps a strong will would have kept me from pigging out in the first place. I feel like I should hide myself from the world because I ate the way I did. I feel dirty.

I ran errands today and I stepped in pee at Target. That's the kind of shit that makes me want to hate people. Blech. But I got a new bag and maybe I'll take a photo and post it up here for you to look at. It's a man bag by Mossimo. It's quite nice. I also got new blades for my utility knife at Home Depot. Part of the pleasure is the straightness, the neatness, the cleaniness of the scars. All the purity and perfection that I strive for is in those nice neat scars. Which is why I needed sharper blades that the one that was in my knife. Which I had to HUNT for. I mean I spent like 2.5 hours looking for it. The knife, not the blades. But I found and I got new blades. The cashier was even nice enough to give me bills for the shitload of change that I always have on me courtesy of Sonic.

I babysat this evening and the kids were really missing their dad. Like badly. It made me feel nice that I could help them out with that. I told them stories of things I did to not miss my mom when she went away. Of course I was fiendin' for my blade the whole time but I stayed distracted long enough to make it work.

Never again will I be the fat girl you befriend just because you're mad at your other friends.
Never again will I be the fat girl you fuck because you don't think you can do any better.
I was a fool for abandoning the things that supported me in favor of false things such as people.
Never
Ever
Again
I will not be that foolish ever again.

The three Vicodin I took are kicking in so I'm off to bed to slice until I feel well enough to sleep.

The Most Beautiful Thing

Bright crimson
Dull brown
Splashing
or Dripping
Oozing
or Streaming

The blood that washes away my pains as it leaves my body is indeed the most beautiful thing.

The Void

I want to say something. But I'm really not sure what to say. Well I don't know. I have thoughts and I could voice them but as someone quite charmingly pointed out redundancy is silly. So I won't.

The tears run down my face in rivers
As I scream until my throat is raw
As I lay dying my body shivers
The world watches in awe
They never knew they cried
They didn't see it coming
If they had they surely would have tried
To end my pain and suffering
But they're guilty of sin
For they are the greatest of liars
They saw the pain within
Then they added fuel to the fires
Your excuses are worthless now
I don't really wanna know how
You tried and tried to help me

You turned your back
And that's a fact
You can't undo the wrongs

Don't worry though
I've fixed it so
You'll never have to be concerned again

There's that old song that's got the catchy refrain "I wanna be sedated". I don't want to be sedated, I want to be dead.

Musings of a Sunday eve

The one true source of protection you have these days is yourself. I hate to sound cynical, but maybe that's just how I am. Is that a bad thing? Is it dangerous to have your guard up against attack? No, I don't think so. I think it's good to be wary.

I thought I'd met a nice new guy and I was wrong. He basically sees me as an easy lay. And he comes off as unbalanced. And he's not him. So yeah. Lost cause. I'd hate for him to end up as someone who thinks they can call me only when they're horny. Because that's not me at all. I'm not meant to be casual about sex. I don't like to be. I'm NOT. I need someone caring and deep about me. I need emotion. I crave it. I'm a hugging kind of girl. The best sound to fall asleep to is the heartbeat of someone you love. I love strong arms and big hands. Kisses on the forehead. I'm not willing to settle for anything less.

Speaking of things that I like and I don't like, I don't like the nausea, migraines, chest pains, and muscles aches that I've been experiencing for about the past week. It's a crap shoot whether or not I keep food down. I just want to snuggle up with someone and be taken care of, but I hate pity so that's a no go. I don't like that I'm even thinking of cutting again. I really don't like the fact I had the knife to my flesh. He'd be SO disappointed. But then again I never really stopped for myself, it was for him. Well both. He was happier when I was taking care of myself and I didn't want to burden him. He looked so sad everytime he saw fresh cuts. It about broke my heart. But he cared all the same. Bless him. I also don't like the fact that I took a drink the last time Stephen was over here. He's a great friend though. He didn't get mad at me. Just looked at me with a very sad look. Asked me if anything was wrong; if I was ok. I lied and said I was just tired. It's not like he's just kickin' it at home though. He's got family stuff and girlfriend & company issues. Not to mention the high school-you're going to be a senior-lock in the rest of your life already drama. (It is in fact drama.) I just don't want to dump that on him.

I have sharing issues.

I miss just being friends with him. If everyone can just quit screwing it up, maybe I'll get that back before school starts. So I can start off strong.

Like I told my buddy Steve about relationships with certain people....it looks like a damn train wreck from the outside, but straight in the middle, where no one can really see, it's a pinprick of heaven. You deal with the cuts and the scrapes and the burns for that spot of heaven.

What's the point?

So things here at the house have been a little hectic lately. I'm not feeling all that much better either. But that's neither here nor there. In the essence of sticking to a specific topic of my choosing, it's quite insignificant.

Oftentimes there are things, places, people in your life that you should let go. But you don't because the familiar is better than the unknown. Well perhaps not better, but safer. It's better to choose the evil you know versus the one that you don't. At times I wonder if there's any point in making a choice at all, especially if you're going to be fucked over in the end regardless of the choice that you make.

Very few instances in the world today have any basis in fact or any real purpose to speak of. People in today's world are implusive, flighty, and just generally irresponsible. While that's a part of who I am and I thrive that way, at times I wish for people of substance. People who stand by their words, convictions, and actions. But alas, there's no reason to ask what's the point of hoping for that because there is no point. Because with the advancement of society, it's becoming more and more customary for people to shirk responsibility.

Although pain can come crashing at you like a rocket, let your blade be your shield and the tears of your blood become the balm that heals your world of the destruction.

Yes that time in my life is back. I could be sad about that, but as the title says what's the point?

Just some stuff

So I'm miserable and in pain. I cried a lot yesterday and slept a lot. Today I just slept most of the day. I'd run an errand and then sleep. That was my afternoon. I'd kill to be able to slash my wrists and just sit in one spot and bleed. I'd also like to be able to just drink until I can't see straight. As it is, I drank a small bit today and I feel a small portion better. Not by much though.

I thought having a license would mean that I'd hang out more with my friends, but I just spend more time alone. And it's worse because now there's no "I don't have any gas" excuse. It's just plain old "I don't want to spend time around you".

My panic attacks are back and they're making up for lost time. Last night, well more like this morning since it was one am, it scared me so bad that I ended up calling Devin. Which is bad since I really don't want him in my life anymore.

I'm sick of fighting with my "friend" and I'm tired of coming last with the family. I'm just plain tired. And the physical pain I'm dealing with is excruciating. And it has been for the past few months, but I have no time to go to the doctor. So there's really no end in sight for all of that.

But I have homework and Steve's over so I'm just going to try to relax.