Friday, June 30, 2006

My Future in Blogging

I might have no future in this wonderful fact sharing activity. It all depends on whether or not a few things happen. Some people take my trust and throw it in my face by betraying me. It hurts my feelings. Lots of things hurt my feelings. I'm somewhat shy, so it helps me to be able to notify people about my innermost thoughts and feelings without having to directly speak to them. But I can't have that if people betray my trust and tell people things they know I don't want certain people to know. I'm just not sure. Right now I'm not sure about a lot of things. We shall just have to see.

Thursday, June 29, 2006

A is for aggressive

I can be very aggressive. I don't think this is a bad thing. But some people do. For that I say, fuck you. I'm not perfect, but I'm all right. And why can't you like me unless you're walking all over me? Why does bringing me down raise you up?

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

I feel it coming

I can smell a breakdown coming from like a mile off. It worries me. I'm afraid I'll be around whatshisface when it happens. I love him so, it hurts for him to witness my tears.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Do I need to make a choice?

I'm in the marching band right now. Marching band's practices last longer than other activities' practices. I could work a really great job but I'd have to drop marching band so I could get to work at 5:30. I'd work Sun.-Thurs. from 5:30 to 10:00 and make about $1000 a week. I feel like shit whenever I ask my mother for money for gas or food. My mother told me I need my extras to keep me balanced. I could have extras like class council and SCA, just not marching band if I took this job. She says I don't have to because we're applying for social security disability. I just feel sad and helpless and like a fucking leech.

Monday, June 26, 2006

A little bitta this, a little bitta that

So I'm finally back from my trip. It was sheer hell. I will never go on a trip with this particular group of people ever again. NEVER. There is simply no amount of money in the world that you could possibly pay me.

On to my predicaments that aren't really so current. The father thing is still beyond my realm of capability. I'm just not ready and/or able to handle it and so I just won't. The boy/man thing is still as it was. I love him with all of my being. The girl he's with is an idiot, a brat, and just not deserving of him. It's very painful to watch someone you love love someone else. It grates on the nerves just a tad.

Comments are cool I suppose. Not that I'm begging. Just posing a general statement. I'm quite tired. I think I'll go sleep. Or at least relax. Doze a little.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

I guess I'm depressed

I'm not sure what else you call laying on the couch crying in broad daylight. I just hate....well everything. Lots of people, a handful of places, and a couple dozen things. When you write it out like that, it's not really everything. I'm just to write anything else. Might go for a drive to clear my head of some of this frustration. Or save money and grab a drink. Or just sleep. Who knows?

Pain and questions

That's basically what I have right now. Yesterday I did something that I really wanted to do but am not exactly proud of. I wanted it. I wanted it badly. How could I not, it's him. My dream, my love, my heart. Without him, I'm a fucking wreck. But what I did was bad. But I loved it. I love him. I feel like shit. Complete shit.

Sunday, June 18, 2006

...Do we see trouble coming? Do we care?

Some people are just trouble. You get into trouble when you're around them. You lie to see them. You abuse the privlege that driving is. You piss other people off. But you just don't care. Because their hugs are so warm. And he smells so good. So knowing he broke your heart and that he let you down and he made you cry, you're gonna give him another chance.

I see the trouble coming and I don't really care. Cause he's just too much fun.

Friday, June 16, 2006


I do things that are fun and I feel kinda eh about them, but I enjoyed myself so I get myself to let go off any negative vibes.
Then, they are times when I do things and I feel no pressure to do more or less. And that's kickass. Oh yes.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

It's finally over

School has ended and I am glad. Really glad. I'm a bit closer to the breaking point and it's not looking well. I really don't want to go through the laborous process of rebuilding myself. I'm tired nowadays. Everyone takes lots out of me. We'll see how it plays out. But I don't see a bout of good mental health in my future. I just don't.

Monday, June 12, 2006

Still working on the doormat thing

I'm still working on not being taken advantage of. It's hard to walk away from people and just let them be even when they don't take care of you or help you. Why is that? Why do we want to hold onto people that hurt us? As human beings, we're so self-defeating. Battered women stay with their boyfriends/husbands. We tell ourselves we can't do things. We set ourselves up to fail. Why? Do we all secretly hate ourselves? Or maybe just each other at times? Who can really know?

Sunday, June 11, 2006

Whatever happened to common sense?

I just got finished watching another one of those Dateline things about child predators. Basically the whole premise of the special was your kids are stupid and you should watch their every online movement before they catch themselves an older man. Whatever happened to teaching girls to be smart. Don't blame the Internet for your child being a ho.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Letters and Phone Calls

So a few days ago, I wrote letters to Andrew and Devin telling them I couldn't have them in my life anymore. I have no extra energy for one-sided relationships. Not anymore. Ever since Dad got sick, my whole family structure has been rearranged. Nothing's really the same. It never will be again. I need to start looking out for myself. No one else is going to. And it's not their job too. Andrew called me today. The only reason I picked up the phone is because I know he hasn't gotten the letter yet. (I mailed it on a Saturday afternoon and he went home for a visit on Monday.) Across town or not, I know it's sitting there for him to read. I told him about it and said if he had any thoughts about it he could call me when he got home. Didn't want to take the edge off of his happy. We'll see what happens with that. I simply can't wait for the i'm-gonna-kill-myself-now-and-i-love-love-love-you-and-this-doesn't-surprise-me-i'm-the-
would-you-love-me-then? phone call I KNOW I'll get once he gets his letter. He being Devin. Whatever. I can't be concerned with his stuff anymore. If he wants to throw his life away that's his business. I'm not going to let him drag me down alongside him though. I suppose whatever tiny bit of friendship I ever had with Andrew could be salvageable, but can I afford to put that much work into something that hasn't worked yet? I'm tired of caring about someone that can't be bothered to tell me when they have to have their stomach pumped. I don't have the energy. Who knows? We'll see later. Just not now. I have exams to fail. Because I'm stupid. I could study, but discrete math....I'm not passing that shit. Not to sure about the others either.

By the way, tomorrow, I have my road test. My mother at first signed for the school to keep my damn 90 temp license. If she didn't provoke me, I wouldn't do things like get out of the car in traffic and walk down the street. (I've only done it twice.) But we finally agreed on me getting it and bringing it home and giving it to her to hold until the end of the week. But I have to be good from now until then. Gah. I just want to be able to go grab Starbucks or Sonic when I'm enraged. Or something since eating like that will definately make me fat again. My "anger" issues are a side effect of my untreated depression. Which I just don't have the time to treat. I've got a full plate of activities to make up for the slacking I did this year in extracirriculars because of the suspension. It'd be a lot worse if I were drinking heavily like I was before. I'd be running people over with the car instead of getting out of it and walking away from an arguement. Bleh, whatever.

Look at the time........happy motherfucking birthday. I'm grabbing some vodka, I need to fall asleep before 4 in the morning. Or maybe I'll take a vicodin. Or perhaps both. I dunno, I'll figure something out, I need sleep like a hooker needs a douche.

Monday, June 05, 2006

I'm not....

going to let circumstances strangle the life out of me like my mother has. I'm just...not. Fuck that. I'm not going down without a fight. Hell no.

Friday, June 02, 2006

A day of introspection and proclamation

The past two days, in pyschology class, we have been watching Rent. It made me think, which is exactly what Johnathan Larson wanted. I loved it loved it loved it. I cried when Angel died. It made me sad. So completely sad. She was beautiful. I hope one day I can say that I have friends like that.

I declared to my mother that I have no wish to celebrate my birthday. I realize that no matter what, I can't have possibly grown in my mother's eyes. She continues to see me as a child. Not a young woman. It's going to be hard to obey her in the coming months, but I'm not really going to try. What is the point? Honestly, there is no point. And I'm okay with that. Really I am.

My date with Scott went well this evening. And it was in fact a date. We went to this lovely dinner theatre type place. We didn't see a play, we saw a movie. It was a fancy Cinema Cafe. The food was great and The Break-Up was great. Jennifer Aniston is funny. I was never a fan of her in Friends, but her movies are always ones that I enjoy.