The start of healing?

I went to talk to Andrew today. It was an intense conversation. I still have no idea where I stand, but it's better. I feel like there's some kind of end in sight. I have no clue if it's good, bad or ugly, but I see it. After I talked to him, I was a tad frustrated and needed to just clear my head. So I went driving. Since I got into an accident the last time I drove to clear my head, I picked a destination. There was mad traffic heading to NC so I drove to Richmond. My head wasn't too full; just a tad cluttered. I got a flat and Holly's boyfriend Brian came out to fix it. Which was nice. Very nice. Mom and I talked about me driving to clear my head in the evening and why it's dangerous and I shouldn't do it. And she has a point. There's just something about being able to go that....lifts me. I dunno what it is.

I want some sausage. I'd go to Wal-Mart but I have a donut on my car. I REALLY want some sausage though.

By the way, I figured out what bugs me about Nick and his reactions. It's like he's trying to be perfect. Like he's saying he's better than me since he doesn't get angry at anything and I do. Weird.

Sausage

Andouille (Cajun)-spicy smoked Cajun sausage
Bangers-mild British pork sausage
Bauerwurst-German farmer's sausage
Bratwurst-Pork, sometimes veal sausage seasoned with mild spices
Breakfast sausage patty-pork, heavily seasoned
Hot dog-yall know what this is
Italian sausage (mild)-pork, seasoned with garlic and fennel seed
Kielbasa-Polish, pork, smoked, flavored with garlic, pimento, and cloves


I eat all of them.

I LOVE all of them. With a passion. A complete passion. Oh my god I love sausage.

ick

So it's about midnight. I was sleeping but I woke up to take out my contacts. Decided to get up and print off something to take into Government tomorrow. I love our discussions. I could argue politics and the state of the nation with Ben and David all day. Lauren too. I feel teribly. I'm not sure if it's because I'm tired or not. I can't remember eating dinner, but I've been arguing with my brother all evening about why I'm not at his beck and call as far as rides are concerned. (Someone lied to this poor boy and told him that since his sister got her license, he will always have his own personal ride and he will never have to carpool again. How sad.) After a couple of rounds of that, I slept the sleep of the dead and then woke up, so I'm a little disorientated. This all translates into me not being able to remember dinner if I had it. I don't want to eat in case I did because that's extra calories that I don't need. But I am hungry and perhaps a little weak from that. Ooo. Bad wording. I KNOW I'm a little (a lotta) weak. I'm just not sure why. I'm going to lay down before I throw up.

To everyone who's blog I read:
I don't remember most of your links off the top of my head. Once I get my laptop back, I will read up and comment on backposts.

Update on the Fast and the phone

I'm still hanging in there!!! I went to 7-11, where's all this tasty fattening food, and I left with nothing but the Slurpee for my dad that I went there for. I was so proud of myself. I started the fast at 1 am, so I'm about 17 hours into it. I'm really really proud of myself. Nothing but water. I didn't get to the gym but I did do some yard work(picked a few weeds and cleaned out my car). So I figure it's ok. I might do some crunches in a little bit.

I worked out something with my mother. I can get the phone I want and stay on the family plan and keep my number if I

1. pay for the phone itself.
2. pay for my car insurance.
3. chart my mileage whenever I take my brother and dad somewhere so she only pays for that gas.
   

My insurance is paid up for six months because that's the way insurance is paid for. So I have to pay her for insurance that's already been purchased. (Jun-Dec) It's not that bad, it's only $64 a month. I'm going to be at Sonic for a few weeks longer than I thought. But oh well it's all good. The phone I want is not only nifty because of the extras it offers but because it's built for heavy use. Which is what my phone gets.

I have to babysit again tonight. She called today asking me to sit because she forgot she asked me to last night. Wow. A bit trippy much?

Never a dull moment

So if you read the other bulletin you know what's going on with my phone. Well I was planning on getting another phone when our contract was up anyway but now I need it. My mother is refusing to "allow" me to pay for the phone I want. She says I'm in high school so I don't need a nice phone. (It should be apparent I do because I keep going through them due to heavy use.) However instead of arguing with her I have decided to just get my own phone and my own plan. However, me not being 18 is throwing a wrench in my plans. What I need is either someone to sign for it for me, or someone willing to add me to their plan. I don't want anyone to have to pay any extra charges so if you're in the middle of your plan and it'd be a hassle to add me it's no problem, don't worry about it. Basically it would be in your name but that's it. The bill would be sent to my house and I'd pay for it completely. It would only have to be for a year. (When I go to college, if I go away, I'm going to want to change the number.) I'm trying to go with Alltel.

Even if you can't help me thanks for reading this.

Joy

That's a copy of the bulletin/blog I left all over Myspace. If any of my Blogger readers can help me out, feel free to let me know. Just to update you all, my phone won't stay on unless it's plugged up and I can't call out nor can I get calls. I'm ticked about this whole situation. I have to change my number. Unless I can swing an affordable plan with Verizon.
It's one thing after another with my mom. And it will probably always be this way. There's no getting around this and frankly I'm sick of trying. She made me mad enough to walk home today. She also made me mad enough to break my diet and eat a hot dog, a boston creme doughnut, and some personal noodles thing (knock off Ramen). This in addition to the cereal and piece of chicken I had before she came home adds up to me eating practically nothing but carbs all day. So I will be getting up early and going to the gym before I go shopping for school clothing. Really early because I have to come home and shower. Maybe I could shower there and just go shopping. What I can't do is have the Starbucks that I like to have while I cruise the mall or get an Auntie Anne's pretzel since I'll be on a 24 hr fast to compensate for my bad eating habits. Water, Powerade, and sugarless gum. (It helps to have something in my mouth that I can chew.) In other circumstances, I might not have to do this, but I haven't been to the gym since Monday. And that's just no good.

Delusions

If you repeatedly tell yourself (and others around you) something, is it because it's true and you're reassuring yourself of that fact or is it because you're hoping it's true? I hate talking in code, but it's recently come to my attention that sometimes it pays to hold your cards close to your vest. Being overly upfront and honest is not always a great thing. But at times it is. I'd hate to think about what it would mean if I was trying to delude myself into feeling or not feeling something. Because it takes two to tango and I'm pretty sure noone wants to tango with me.

I'm mad hungry. I haven't eaten anything yet. And I'm thinking I should. But food is downstairs and I am not. But thinking that I can sit up here and not eat is stupid. But it's all the way downstairs. I don't know why some part of me feels that if I exercise a whole bunch and barely eat I will lose more weight and people will like me better. Well society says you're a better person if you're thin so I get that. But the whole unhealthy eating and exercising thing I just feel compelled to do. And yes it's delusional. But go figure.

My friend is delusional. And he knows I'm talking about him. But in the interest of being kind, I'll just say that I hope he wakes up and ditches the bitch. Soon. Because she's irksome. And two seconds from getting knocked the fuck out. By yours truly. Cause she's a skanky ho. She does NOT deserve him. At all. Not in the slightest.

I can't seem to stop

I just had steak.

And ice cream.

With chocolate syrup.

I've made myself sick to my stomach with my gluttony.

Last Night

I attempted to kill myself. It didn't work. Again I failed. At yet another thing. I just can't live with the guilt that my dad is the way he is because of me and my inability to keep people from being mad at me. I could cause him to have another stroke because I keep fucking up. I came home from PRIDE and he was just screaming and screaming and screaming. It was horrible. I'm horrible. Not to mention I can't do anything right. I can't even kill myself when I want to.

I ate today. Potato chips, an apple, and a tiny piece of cake. So along with being a failure and a bad daughter, I have no self control.

So.....

I'm sitting here and I feel like crying because I feel loved because I just read a comment on another entry from my buddy Stever. (He has no r on the end of his name, I just type on autopilot and he gets one.) To know that someone not only gives a damn, but that much of a damn, it's a great feeling. Stever is the one friend who I know will never hurt me and then claim it was in my best interests. If something that's good for me will hurt me, then he won't do it. Stever's goal first and foremost is to see me happy. He's never stabbed me in the back "for my own good".

I love ya Stever.

We haven't had an oven for about a week. I want homecooked food. For real, on a serious tip. I still feel sick but I have no time to go to the doctor or anything like that before someone says something. My chest hurts when I'm sitting still and it's worse when I get agitated or start moving fast. (Which means it's like hell on earth during my six hour shifts.) So don't make me feel worse by calling me to argue. Cause I'm not in the mood and I literally am unable to put you in your place right now.

Also, someone could have told me before now that my blog was on PST. That's nice and all, but I'm on the East Coast.