Peekabo!

So it's been a while since I've been on here to write something. I have been reading the blogs of others, but I've also been very busy. That and my father fucked up the internet at my house. I barely get any internet time. It sucks. But then again lots of things suck. I've been spending a lot of time at Andrew's place so that has something to do with it too. My job at Farm Fresh is sucking right now. I mean really really sucking. I have to find a new one. Let's hope that the job I'm trying to get with FedEx goes through. Cross fingers and all that shit. My head hurts a shit load right now. I mean like someone sharpened a standard sized pipe and stabbed me right above my left eye with it. It hurts so so so damn bad. Today is Valentine's Day. I personally think it's a pointless commercial holiday. I mean totally pointless. But maybe that's just because I never ever get anything and I'm horribly bitter. That probably has a good deal to do with it. I do so much for people and I get shit. Shit as in nothing what so ever. I might be moving out of my house and getting an apartment with Andrew. Well that's not all true. I will most definitely move out of my house. I MIGHT move in with Andrew. That's....interesting and complicated. I'm going to go try to remove my head now because it's bothering me. Actually I'm going to finish the rest of what I needed to do online so I can hurry up and leave Andrew's. Cause that's where I am now. If I could only cast off what offends me.....there'd be no me left. A lot of me and the people around me offend me. Eh whatever.

I haven't been spending a lot of time at home lately as I'm sure you can tell. I'm very unhappy working at Kat's but it's still better than my house and so I chill there a lot. I'm not unhappy because her kids are all that difficult. It's just that I don't get paid enough to do what I do for them. I do a lot of shit. But it's dependable money so I do it. I'm getting to resent the FUCK out of it though. I mean the fuck. Aggravated by like everything. That's what I am at this point. Anywho, my family misses me, the extra driver. Not me, the sister or the daughter. Which is some shit. But I digress. Actually I don't. My headache that I got like ten minutes ago has very quickly progressed into a migraine. Which sucks because I can not drive myself home now. Motherfuckin sonofagoddamnbitch. I wanted to go home. I actually wanted to be at my house for once. That's so rare. And instead I'm stuck here. Nice. Grr. The point of this new paragraph though was that my mother either wants me to spend more time at home and "contribute" more (whatever the fuck that means) or pay storage fees for my shit. HA!! Fuck that. Fuck that in the ass.

maybe i am violent?

So I make a bad human? I'm still human.

I have these days when I realize things. And it's always like a streak of lightning. Scary to say the least. Well not scary. More like frustrating. I can't be smart about life all the time....why? It's like I learn a lesson and live it for a few days and then poof it's gone. But no matter what, I'm holding onto my resolution for 2007:



SPEAK UP!!!!!!!!!!!!

When someone hurts my feelings, I shall be quite loud about it. Extremely loud about it. I'm calling people on their crap. Most def. Some folks are going to see me being a lot more verbal. A lot more verbal. And not in the way I used to be. But in a slightly more intelligent way. I am not a doormat.

Moving on, I'm never going to like my dad. I love my father. With all of my heart. He's a funny, intelligent guy. But he's mean and nasty as well. And that's just a simple fact of life. I know one thing though, he needs to chill with the rudeness. I'm not obligated to take him to play the lottery. Especially since it's a waste of a social security check. He really plans to spend the whole money he gets from the gov't on booze, smokes, and the lotto. Whatever makes him happy and keeps his wife working like a dog I guess.

I have work in the morning, so I'll make this short. I'm crude sometimes, but I don't think that makes me a bad person. It's makes me colorful at times. And at times it just makes me a crazy, black female. Which is what I was born as. So it shouldn't be a problem for you. And if it is......screw yaself and quit bothering me.

Christmas Goodies

I bought myself a camera and a case for it. I also bought myself a headset for my phone. I might get myself some shoes after I get paid. I can't wait to start nannying. I'm gonna be so paid it's gonna be fantabulously sick. Woohoo!!!!!

Christmas Time...A Time for Thinking

Christmas wasn't all that big at my house. I have done a lot of thinking though and I think I'm better for it. No, I know. Sometimes you can't let go until you're ready.


Apparently, no one got my memo. I most definitely asked for a hot guy for Christmas. Someone I could fuck into oblivion. Yall didn't pull through. What the fuck gives bitches? Seriously, what?

I want a boy

He would do the following things:

• Call me late at night because his day sucked and he knows his girl will listen to him complain.
• Not mind if I call him late at night because I'm awake and lonely.
  
• Fall asleep on the phone with me.
• Let me borrow one of his hoodies indefinitely.
  
• Hold my hand while one of us is driving.
• Kiss me on the forehead and tell me I rock.
• Call me baby.
• Give me deep tissue back massages when my back seizes up.
• Take naps with me.
• Let me lay on his chest and listen to his heartbeat when I get upset.
• Go shopping with me.
  
• Dance with me.
• Sip Starbucks and watch movies with me.
• Read.
• Sit with me while we both do something by ourselves. (He: reads. Me: knit. Or something like that.)

In return I would do the following:

• Kiss him at least four times a day.
• Tell him what a great guy he is.
• Play video games with him.
  
• Hold him when he's in a grumpy mood.
• Lay his head in my lap and rub his temples when he has a headache.
• Let him drive my car sometimes.
• Give him rub downs whereever and whenever he hurts.
• Let him be when he needs his space.
• Not call him nicknames in front of his boys if he doesn't like it.
• Get along with his boys.
• Never make him choose between his mama and me.
• Never make him choose between his boys and me.
• Always smell good and look pretty.
• Take care of myself so he doesn't have to worry about me too often.
  
• Let him be the man and take charge of things. Sometimes.
  

I'm a decent girl. If I care about a guy, I'm there for him in whatever way he wants and needs me. I'm RIGHT THERE. Bam. There's Joy. I'm a ride or die kinda girl. I want my boy. Someone find him and put a bow on him. Since I don't think we're getting a tree this year, just tuck him beside me in my bed.

I'm lazy what else is there to say?

Some real shit has gone down over the past couple of days. And while I'm tempted to get into all of it and discuss it, I did all of that in my head. And maybe full disclosure isn't really the best course of action all of the time. Basically though, it's be forcefully brought to my attention that I really need to learn how to stand alone. I'm really just cutting out the crap. Doing a little bit more for me. Cause I really am my best resource.
I hate driving sometimes. I mean really really hate it. It makes me homicidal. And I don't really need any help with that. We all know that.
I'm starting to resent my family more and more as my senior year goes by. I'm really developing a hate. My senior year is just...shitty. I'm not having any memories to go to college with. We're not doing anything really for Thanksgiving. It's just....Momma wouldn't get it. So I'm just gonna shut up about it.

Memorial Day

With both parents being retired from military service, it's hard for me not to remember and reflect upon the freedom/goodwill that we enjoy thanks to the armed forces.

However, and I suppose it's because of the name, I'm also reflecting on past transgressions and wondering about all of the various things I could have done differently. It's amazing to wonder at all the what ifs and shoulda coulda wouldas.

Memorial Day
military