Wednesday, February 28, 2007

What are you gonna do?

I'm in the mood to break something. Like glass. I'm not even angry right now. It's like I'm manic almost. I just wanna run and go break something. I'm smiling right now. Laughing to myself about how much fun it would be to destroy something. I'm bouncing in this seat like a little kid. It's great.

I'm still pretty secure in the fact that humanity is a waste of my time. Not to mention space. Space that I could use. I don't know maybe I'm just bitter and angry. Bitter at what I'm not sure though. Eh.

I'm just done. To put it simply. I have reached my bullshit threshold.

I really do want to go break something though.


Ok so I haven't done the one thing that could make me feel like a whole person again. For some reason, the opinions of the people that use me are important to me. Important enough for me to deny myself what I need in favor of their approval.

I doesn't mean I have to talk, chill, and/or associate with these sons of bitches.

Monday, February 26, 2007

When I said I'm through, basically I'm through with you

Yes you. All of you. I'm struggling and instead of doing it under the pretense of being alone, I'm going to actually be alone. No more of this unreachable people bullshit. Fuck that. Call or im if you like, I doubt I'll answer. Comments here are appreciated, they always have been, but don't expect me to take your outreached hand and crawl out of the darkness into the light. Fuck that and fuck you.

I'm done. With all of it.

The start of the end

That's basically all that needs to be said.

Sunday, February 25, 2007

My body is tearing itself apart. It's like it doesn't want to work as a unit anymore. The sheer agony has me near tears.

Friday, February 23, 2007

Sharing is supposed to be caring

I care, so why can't I share? I don't understand it. I like to talk. Love it actually. But when it comes to telling the people I care about that I'm struggling, I can't seem to really do it. At least not directly. I'm not sure why that is. I think it's that I don't want to hurt feelings. How do you step to someone and say, I feel abandoned. Don't they feel hurt? Especially if they feel like lately they've been doing great as far as supporting you goes.

When I'm in pain is when it bothers me the most to hurt others. But that doesn't help me. I feel like I'm bleeding on the inside. I hurt. Not just emotionally, but it's coming out physically. I have back pain and wretched leg cramps. It hurts to walk and it hurts to sit. So basically I can lay down and sleep. And I'm so so so awesomely tired. And my stomach is just constantly churning. I feel and I'm sure look like shit.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

I'm craving it

It's like meth for me.

I want it so bad. I can feel the bite of the knife as my flesh opens up and blood spills out washing away the irritation, the agitation, the hurt feelings.

I can feel the heat of the lighter as fire burns away the disappointment and the pain.

And yet I am unharmed. I've cried a lot today (I haven't gone to sleep yet so my day is not over) but I am essentially unharmed.

Why you ask?

  • Stevie
  • Mommy
  • Andrew
Not that the bottom two give two shits about me right now. One is wrapped up in her husband and her son, the other in some new chick that will surely fuck him over and use him and leave me to clean up the mess and put sweet pea back together again. It's all very Humpty-Dumpty. I am the king's horses AND his men.....and it's a fight to put him back together again.

It'd be really nice if someone took care of me for once.

Some Insight Perhaps?

"Don't Let It Go To Your Head"

So what if I came clean
And told you all you mean to me
So what if I meant every word I said
Baby don't let it go to your head
So what if I write your name
Cause you're always on my brain
In a heart, I paint it crimson red
Baby don't let it go to your head

Don't be getting any big ideas
Let me make it clear

Just cause I can't go on
Just cause I die when you're gone
Just cause I think of you in bed
Don't let it go to your head
If I looked in your eyes
One, two, too many times
And memorized every word you said
Don't let it go to your head

So what if I want to kiss
From your toes up to your lips
It don't mean that you've had me yet
You're gonna be good, I bet

I'm the one whose in control here
Let me make it clear

Just cause I can't go on
Just cause I die when you're gone
Just cause I think of you in bed
Don't let it go to your head
If I looked in your eyes
One, two, too many times
And memorized every word you said
Don't let it go to your head

Don't let it go to your head

I had a porcelain doll
I held on to it so tightly
But when it broke, I swore
I'd never hold on to something that tightly again
Don't let it go to your head
Oh, no (oh, no)

Just cause I can't go on
Just cause I die when you're gone
Just cause I think of you in bed
Don't let it go to your head
Don't let it go to your head

Just cause I can't go on
Just cause I die when you're gone
Just cause I think of you in bed
Don't let it go to your head
If I looked in your eyes (ohh)
One, two, too many times
And memorized every word you said
Don't let it go to your head (ohh)
Don't let it go to your head (ohh)
Don't let it go to your head (don't let it, don't let it)
Don't let it go to your head (ohh)

"Suddenly I See"

Her face is a map of the world
Is a map of the world
You can see she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
And everything around her is a silver pool of light
The people who surround her feel the benefit of it
It makes you calm
She holds you captivated in her palm

Suddenly I see
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see
Why the hell it means so much to me

I feel like walking the world
Like walking the world
You can hear she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
She fills up every corner like she's born in black and white
Makes you feel warmer when you're trying to remember
What you heard
She likes to leave you hanging on a wire

Suddenly I see

And she's taller than most
And she's looking at me
I can see her eyes looking from a page in a magazine
Oh she makes me feel like I could be a tower
A big strong tower
She got the power to be
The power to give
The power to see

Suddenly I see

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

I'm just......oh my god. I'm breaking down and apart. Totally falling. I'm not sure why. I guess it's just because I'm so completely and utterly alone. Unsupported really. Unloved. And just.....alone. So alone. And I hate it. Anyone that truly knows me knows I hate being alone. Hate hate hate hate it. Ugh I have class in ten minutes and I just can't fathom that at this point. Just the idea of getting up off this couch just seems so incredibly large. If I weren't so ugly and fat, it's possible that maybe my life would be a little bit better.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Things I Detest

  1. Being so fat that I can't get anybody's respect.
  2. Being lonely.
  3. Being used.
  4. Being broke 65% of the time.
  5. Being implusive.
  6. Being hated.
  7. Being unloved.

My soul is screaming from the pain

I'm mad and I'm sick and both are my faults. I'm sick of the lack of respect or recognition. And I'm physically sick. And I hate it. I don't ever get any of his attention unless he needs something. And it's the same way with my parents. And I hate it. (Hate is a recurring theme in this post can ya tell?) It just doesn't make any sense that this is how people feel they should treat me. It's really upsetting and I hate it. It's like no matter how hard I work, my mother is still cranky and bitchy and Andrew is still exhausted and unhappy. Nothing I do ever has any real effect on anyone. It sucks. Because it makes me feel useless. Not completely useless, but unhelpful to the people that matter to me and that's a little upsetting. What's also upsetting is that I can't seem to get any care. I give it but I do NOT receive it in the slightest. Like I've been hacking up a lung for the longest and all anyone can really seem to care about is how it's going to affect them. Which is the world's biggest load of shit. The absolute biggest.

Friday, February 16, 2007

Perhaps I need a different map

I once again find myself in a place I don't really like. It's entirely all too familiar. I feel stupid and unhappy. And I am in fact stupid and unhappy. I hate like everything right now. I mean 100% hate. I'm so so so so so so so unhappy it's unbearable.

And yet I have a busy night ahead of me. Babysitting for Stella from 8:30p-2am. I'm going to Andrew's before that and helping him clean his closet. I might let him borrow the car to go to a friend's birthday party. I don't know if he wants to go yet. We shall see. Either way I'm going to be in English shit up to my neck sometime tonight. Oh well.

Highly frustrated

I hate both of my jobs and I hate my house. But I'm working on fixing all of that. But it's hard to be able to cope with the dissatisfaction I'm dealing with from everything. I'm really not happy with anything that's going on in my life right now. Except for the way my friendship with Andrew is progressing. That and that I see more connection with Stephen in the future. Which is good. I like reconnecting with people.

I said on Wednesday I didn't want to spend the night at Andrew' know and I know and EVERYONE knows that was a straight lie. I swear that boy can make me smile just by breathing. He's a really amazing person. I resent all the time over the past year and a half that we spent arguing.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007


So it's been a while since I've been on here to write something. I have been reading the blogs of others, but I've also been very busy. That and my father fucked up the internet at my house. I barely get any internet time. It sucks. But then again lots of things suck. I've been spending a lot of time at Andrew's place so that has something to do with it too. My job at Farm Fresh is sucking right now. I mean really really sucking. I have to find a new one. Let's hope that the job I'm trying to get with FedEx goes through. Cross fingers and all that shit. My head hurts a shit load right now. I mean like someone sharpened a standard sized pipe and stabbed me right above my left eye with it. It hurts so so so damn bad. Today is Valentine's Day. I personally think it's a pointless commercial holiday. I mean totally pointless. But maybe that's just because I never ever get anything and I'm horribly bitter. That probably has a good deal to do with it. I do so much for people and I get shit. Shit as in nothing what so ever. I might be moving out of my house and getting an apartment with Andrew. Well that's not all true. I will most definitely move out of my house. I MIGHT move in with Andrew. That's....interesting and complicated. I'm going to go try to remove my head now because it's bothering me. Actually I'm going to finish the rest of what I needed to do online so I can hurry up and leave Andrew's. Cause that's where I am now. If I could only cast off what offends me.....there'd be no me left. A lot of me and the people around me offend me. Eh whatever.

I haven't been spending a lot of time at home lately as I'm sure you can tell. I'm very unhappy working at Kat's but it's still better than my house and so I chill there a lot. I'm not unhappy because her kids are all that difficult. It's just that I don't get paid enough to do what I do for them. I do a lot of shit. But it's dependable money so I do it. I'm getting to resent the FUCK out of it though. I mean the fuck. Aggravated by like everything. That's what I am at this point. Anywho, my family misses me, the extra driver. Not me, the sister or the daughter. Which is some shit. But I digress. Actually I don't. My headache that I got like ten minutes ago has very quickly progressed into a migraine. Which sucks because I can not drive myself home now. Motherfuckin sonofagoddamnbitch. I wanted to go home. I actually wanted to be at my house for once. That's so rare. And instead I'm stuck here. Nice. Grr. The point of this new paragraph though was that my mother either wants me to spend more time at home and "contribute" more (whatever the fuck that means) or pay storage fees for my shit. HA!! Fuck that. Fuck that in the ass.

maybe i am violent?

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

why, why, why, why, why

I'm so sick of asking myself this question. So I believe I'll just stop. Because it's an exercise in fultility.


Saturday, February 03, 2007

I have a problem

I like to shop. When I'm happy, I buy things for others. When I am sad I buy things for myself.

Be it candy, porn, or cute/sexy/racy underwear; the same craving for instant gratification is there. Last Saturday I sought out to buy an electric alarm clock. Instead I bought the above.

Obviously this can become an issue. But the question is what to do about it?

No Call

Andrew is visiting his second baby mama so he can see his son for his birthday. I am worried about him. She makes him angry and she isn't a nice person. (To him at any rate.) All I asked was that he call me before he left. And did he?

Why the fuck do I bother?