Sunday, April 29, 2007


Woah man am I beat. IVs suck ass. I mean fat ass. I went shopping with Drew for prom stuff and ended up horribly sick. I had to go to the hospital. He felt bad about the fact that he couldn't drive me because he'd started drinking earlier when he thought I left after dropping him off. That's really my fault though because I should have told him I was feeling so bad. Mom had to come get me because I couldn't drive.

There's a couple of people I have to talk to. Get my life back in order and all that jazz. Prom is stressful.

Saturday, April 21, 2007

It's a slippery slope back to your beginnings

When you fail, it's painful. When you fail a little at a time, it hurts so much worse. I think it's because it takes that much longer. And it builds like a snowball. At first it's just a little bit. You think damn I fucked up but no biggie I'm still on the right track. And then it's a little more and a little more and a little more. And next thing you know, you're up to your neck in shit. And it's ripe and it's hot and it's just nasty as all motherfuckin' get out. And you're like goddamn it here is not, repeat NOT where I want to be. And yet this is where you are. All of a sudden, you're back where you started.

when we shatter we form pretty patterns on the sidewalk

Well......just well. Since the last time I wrote I have talked much with many people. Actually I haven't really. I stil haven't completely tackled the way I let Stever down and I might not for a while. But it's out there and I feel a little less fake. And that's a good thing. Being or feeling fake is neither fun nor easy.

I like my job. It fits me. It's about the only thing that actually does. But hey it's still something. I just have to be on time. Being on time is going to be the bane of my existence. Truly it is. But I shall do it. It's going to take work.

As usual Andrew is Andrew. And things with Andrew are things with Andrew. I don't like them but I don't hate them either. They just are. It's the way my life has always been. Things just are. I can't have any control over anything because everyone else has to have it.

There are more and more instances popping up where I wish I was a little less stupid. A little smarter. Better. I just want to be better. Less of a slut. Less of an idiot. Less of a bad daughter. You know, despite my many many complaints, I love my parents. I'd just like to be right once in a while. I'd like to do/say the right thing. I'd like just for once to be looked at as right. Maybe I never will. That's depressing when you think about it. Which is why I don't. At least I try not to. But every now and again it pops up.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007


I wish I were strong enough to approach everyone I've ever disappointed and say I'm sorry. I'm so incredibly sorry. I mean it. Can't you tell I mean it?

I know I've always fallen short. And I know I've lied. And I know I've been selfish. But damn it I'm sorry. I really am.


How do you say you can't help someone anymore because you're afraid of putting yourself in harm's way again?

Addictions are terrible things. I'm partially free of mine. I'm so proud of that. And I worked so hard for it. I don't think it's possible to be completely free from an addiction. There's always the possibility that a trigger will rear its ugly head. There's always the possibility of relapse. Always. You reach a point I like to call the functioning point and then you're through. It's the point where you've not only gotten to where you can function without your crutch physically but you're ok with that mentally.

I guess my wonder, my question, my fear is that I'm not as close to that point as I thought if I feel unsure of my ability to cope with RMS and her complete lack of will to quit. We share the same addiction. It's like she's glad that she has a problem. Which in a twisted way makes sense because everyone in her family has some kind of concrete problem that is all official and well-known and there's medication available and.....I wonder if amongst the eating disorder and the bipolar disease, the alcoholism, the ADD (complete with INSANE anger) and the Superman complex that's resulted in an inability to cope with mistakes if she just felt lost and decided she needed to stand out. I'm not saying that's why she started, I'm saying I think that's why she doesn't want to stop. Because despite verbiage to the contrary it's like she's unwilling to stop. She doesn't even really try. Believe I know it's hard. Self-injury is a bitch to fight with. have to at least try to fight. When she has a couple of good days, she's not happy about the good days but seeking a trigger and excuse to wreck the good streak. Yes she saying she wants to quit but not truly trying has been going on a very long time. Maybe it's the length of time I've been exposed and not the behaviors I'm exposed to that make me feel like I can't handle it anymore without risking my recovery.

It's valid. But I still feel like a selfish bitch.

I can't afford to sacrifice my recovery. I've got too much at risk. My job, my schooling (especially in light of the VT massacre), people. I think. I'm not all together sure of where I stand with some people. But I can't risk it. And as a responsible person don't I owe it to myself to remove myself from these possible triggers? I feel like I'm backsliding. When I hit a rough patch (there have been quite a few lately) it's the first thing that pops to mind. It's like I'm taking steps backwards.

It's valid. But I still feel like a selfish bitch.

It hurts my feelings to think I'm not as far as I originally thought. I know any progress is good and I should be glad with what I have. But still.

How do you tell the friend that's been so good to you that you can't help like you said you would. How do I tell him it's gotten bigger than I can manage when I told him I'd handle it?

I'm angry and that's ok

That's basically all I really wanna say right now. I'm not just angry, I'm PISSED. Beyond belief. But it's gonna be okay. It has to be. To be not ok permanently is to be dead. And I ain't dead yet. I might want to be at times, but I ain't. And there's gotta be a reason for that. So I'm going to work a little harder to accept that.

Those alcoholics had something going with that one step at a time thing.

By the way in case anyone didn't know I live in the Hampton Roads area which is like 5 hours from VA Tech. It's a shame no one saw that that child needed some serious help. But the truth of the matter is that hundreds of people are suffering mental anguish and no one has a damn clue. I'm not sad about it per se. Humans do really terrible things to each other, believe me I've got firsthand knowledge of this. I'm just glad the fifty million people I know at Tech are alive. I can't say I'm surprised by it. I can't say that at all. Maybe that's what we should be hung up on so these people haven't died in vain. Yes I'm thinking about this national tragedy in terms of how it effects me. And yes I'm basically dismissing it since it doesn't adversely affect me in a major way. That's just where I am in life at this very moment. Take it or leave it. Better yet just leave it.

It's ok

Life is hard sometimes. The answers that you crave will not always be in front of your face saying pick me pick me I'm the answer you seek. Sometimes all you can do is just wait. Yes you can hope but you're basically just waiting. Life is about waiting. And it's about NOT always getting what you want. It's about failure.

Monday, April 16, 2007

It's been a long day

And despite the fact that it's 7:30pm I'm pretty sure it's about to get longer. Oh well. Some shit can't be helped.

I can't get myself to go away. Reach down your hand in your pocket pull out some hope for me it's been a long day.

Friday, April 06, 2007

So I have to get myself a motorcycle now

A new guy that I've been talking to lately owns a motorcycle. Even though it was a little colder than preferable, Dustin agreed to give me a ride on it. It was THE coolest thing ever. I mean it. Ever. Completely. I wanted a bike before and now I NEED one. I mean it I need a bike.

What I need is to finish this English assignment.

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Blogging is frustrating me

I could be getting more readers, but I'm not sure how. All I know is that the readers I have don't comment.

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

The mouring bell tolls for this situation

If you have half a brain in your head, then you're well aware that lately I've been mulling over the idea of moving in with Andrew and Erica. It'd just be Erica and I in the home while Andrew's out to sea at the end of this year. I've been really mulling it over, referring with people very close to me and getting their opinions. But I've just really been doing some soul searching. Some deep thinking.

I'm not going to be moving in with Andrew.

A lot of different things led to this decision. But the main thing is the main reason that prompted me to want to do it. Erica. If 1/10 of what Andrew hints at is even remotely accurate (he's very mysterious with details), then that child has been through SO much already. I'd hate for her and I to get attached and then Andrew fall in love with some new chick or fall back in love with Kelly (I honestly think the possibility is there) and then BAM!, I'm out on my ass. I'd hate for her to have to lose another person. I mean she's eight and it seems as if she's been through hell already. That's not fair to her.

It's also not fair to me and the things that make it unfair to her are part of that. Andrew and I aren't dating. Point blank period. No matter how much I want that, no matter how many times I sleep with him, that's the fact of the matter. I have no reason, no right to any place in any home of his. If he falls in love with some girl (it's almost a guarentee; being in a relationship makes him happy and he's all about actively trying to be happy right now) then just because of the person that he is, he's going to want to be with her all the time. He's going to want to move her in. I know him and I know that could be a possibility. My folks are very big on their house not having a revolving door. If I'm going to decide that I can handle a rent payment and bills then that's it. I've made that choice. They want me to understand that it can't be made lightly. While I feel ready to shoulder that responsibility; if Andrew tosses me out to move some girl in, then I'm out on the street because going back home isn't an option for me. I can't risk being homeless because of his libido.

I love that boy. No stratch that. I'm IN love with that boy. I want him to succeed in life and be happy. I want his children to be happy. And I want to be happy. To have a happy life for once. I need to get away from my parents, but getting away from my parents with Andrew isn't an option. Well it is but it's not the right one. Not to mention he's been very wishy-washy about a time frame. If I had chosen to do this, it would affect my whole life. My schooling, my job. If I were to plan my life for this and then he pulls the rug out from under me, then I've got things I might not want that I'm stuck with.

I'd be giving too much, he wouldn't be giving enough, my future would be at the risk of Andrew's libido, and Erica could get hurt in a really bad way.

While the first two bother me in a serious way, the last two are what make me say this is something I shouldn't, can't do.

The first two make me think that maybe Andrew and I are unhealthy for each other.

While I do hate you, you're a part of me

I discovered today that while my father is a selfish, childish man; he can be easily manipulated as children often are. I acted like the adult with him and so he acted like the child. It was secretely rewarding for me. He didn't yell while I drove him around today he just kinda nodded off in the corner. That was good for me. That and the sun. It boosts my mood.

The title refers to the fact that my father and I have similarities no matter how much I hate it. Not only do I get my anger and my dysfunctionality from him, but we both have the same zest for shopping. I bought a pair of gorgeous pumps today. They're divine. Simply divine.

Monday, April 02, 2007

I'm beginning to hate you

Really. I'm not kidding. You're pissing me off. Stop yelling at me. I haven't done SHIT to you, motherfucking. I'm not scared of you anymore I'm just annoyed. You're a sorry fucking excuse for a man. All you do is spend all of your money while your wife struggles to pay the bills you ran up. Stop yelling at me for no fucking reason. Stop thinking the worst of me. Just leave me alone damn it.

It don't mean a damn thing cause I'm focused

I'm missing my friend.

This time apart has allowed me to really examine our friendship and I'm getting the feeling that my black ass is gonna get burned if I let things continue as they have been. No matter how much I care about others, I've gotta cover myself.

I've got goals. Plans. I need to learn to stay true to myself.

Sunday, April 01, 2007

The River Runneth

I'm a talker. I like to talk. Especially when something big is going on. I think I'm looking for the right reaction. The right bit of advice. I just.......when something is weighting heavily on my mind, I like to get outside opinions. I also talk a lot when I'm superbly excited. I don't know. Well I do know. I'm just not sure what to do about it.

I'm a little lonely, a little broke, and a lotta bored.

Some people are still horridly self-absorbed. It's really annoying, but entertaining enough.

I'm still talking to people that I haven't spoken to in a while. I'm using time wisely. I might get a co-worker I know. Sweet!