I'm angry and that's ok

That's basically all I really wanna say right now. I'm not just angry, I'm PISSED. Beyond belief. But it's gonna be okay. It has to be. To be not ok permanently is to be dead. And I ain't dead yet. I might want to be at times, but I ain't. And there's gotta be a reason for that. So I'm going to work a little harder to accept that.

Those alcoholics had something going with that one step at a time thing.

By the way in case anyone didn't know I live in the Hampton Roads area which is like 5 hours from VA Tech. It's a shame no one saw that that child needed some serious help. But the truth of the matter is that hundreds of people are suffering mental anguish and no one has a damn clue. I'm not sad about it per se. Humans do really terrible things to each other, believe me I've got firsthand knowledge of this. I'm just glad the fifty million people I know at Tech are alive. I can't say I'm surprised by it. I can't say that at all. Maybe that's what we should be hung up on so these people haven't died in vain. Yes I'm thinking about this national tragedy in terms of how it effects me. And yes I'm basically dismissing it since it doesn't adversely affect me in a major way. That's just where I am in life at this very moment. Take it or leave it. Better yet just leave it.

It's ok

Life is hard sometimes. The answers that you crave will not always be in front of your face saying pick me pick me I'm the answer you seek. Sometimes all you can do is just wait. Yes you can hope but you're basically just waiting. Life is about waiting. And it's about NOT always getting what you want. It's about failure.

The Peanut Gallery.....

needs to wake up and speak up. Feedback on my life that I'm pouring out here for your eyes would be greatly appreciated.

I have a problem

I like to shop. When I'm happy, I buy things for others. When I am sad I buy things for myself.

Be it candy, porn, or cute/sexy/racy underwear; the same craving for instant gratification is there. Last Saturday I sought out to buy an electric alarm clock. Instead I bought the above.

Obviously this can become an issue. But the question is what to do about it?

I'm such a broken record

I have class and I'm getting ready to go. And I'm sad and I don't want to. But we have daily quizzes.

My daddy

A big part of life is doing things you don't really want to. Sometimes you actually HAVE to compromise your beliefs for the greater good. Or at least the good of someone else. Sometimes you have to step outside yourself.

My dad doesn't really do what he's supposed to in terms of his health. He still smokes as much as he used to, if not more. He drinks quite a bit and he hasn't be eating like he should. Which is doubly bad because of his diabetes. I think he's figured if he's destined to die he might as well be happy. I don't blame him for it. I wished he wanted to stick around a little bit more than it seems he does, but I don't resent him for wanting to live his life the way he chooses to. I think the best thing I can do as his daughter is afford him the respect he deserves as my dad. What does being disappointed or disapproving of his choices do for me or him but make me miserable? I'd rather not tarnish the time left with him. We have fun in our own way together. When I drive him places sometimes he tells me where we're going sometimes he'll just point. I won't know where we're going until I get there. It's...interesting. We laugh at various things we see. (We see a lot of funny stuff when we go out.) Yesterday we went to Office Depot, the ATM, and 7-11. Got some computer software and then we got some beer, some soda, some cigarettes and a lotto ticket. It took about 30 minutes. We saw stuff that made us laugh and then we went home. It was simple and peaceful. And years and years down the road, outings like that are what I want to remember about my dad. Not the screaming and the yelling.

I love my dad. Like it or not, I love him. I don't much like him, but I love him. And if all he wants is respect, then dispite his outrageous behavior, I'm going to try to give it to him.

Delusions

If you repeatedly tell yourself (and others around you) something, is it because it's true and you're reassuring yourself of that fact or is it because you're hoping it's true? I hate talking in code, but it's recently come to my attention that sometimes it pays to hold your cards close to your vest. Being overly upfront and honest is not always a great thing. But at times it is. I'd hate to think about what it would mean if I was trying to delude myself into feeling or not feeling something. Because it takes two to tango and I'm pretty sure noone wants to tango with me.

I'm mad hungry. I haven't eaten anything yet. And I'm thinking I should. But food is downstairs and I am not. But thinking that I can sit up here and not eat is stupid. But it's all the way downstairs. I don't know why some part of me feels that if I exercise a whole bunch and barely eat I will lose more weight and people will like me better. Well society says you're a better person if you're thin so I get that. But the whole unhealthy eating and exercising thing I just feel compelled to do. And yes it's delusional. But go figure.

My friend is delusional. And he knows I'm talking about him. But in the interest of being kind, I'll just say that I hope he wakes up and ditches the bitch. Soon. Because she's irksome. And two seconds from getting knocked the fuck out. By yours truly. Cause she's a skanky ho. She does NOT deserve him. At all. Not in the slightest.