My soul is screaming from the pain

I'm mad and I'm sick and both are my faults. I'm sick of the lack of respect or recognition. And I'm physically sick. And I hate it. I don't ever get any of his attention unless he needs something. And it's the same way with my parents. And I hate it. (Hate is a recurring theme in this post can ya tell?) It just doesn't make any sense that this is how people feel they should treat me. It's really upsetting and I hate it. It's like no matter how hard I work, my mother is still cranky and bitchy and Andrew is still exhausted and unhappy. Nothing I do ever has any real effect on anyone. It sucks. Because it makes me feel useless. Not completely useless, but unhelpful to the people that matter to me and that's a little upsetting. What's also upsetting is that I can't seem to get any care. I give it but I do NOT receive it in the slightest. Like I've been hacking up a lung for the longest and all anyone can really seem to care about is how it's going to affect them. Which is the world's biggest load of shit. The absolute biggest.

Perhaps I need a different map

I once again find myself in a place I don't really like. It's entirely all too familiar. I feel stupid and unhappy. And I am in fact stupid and unhappy. I hate like everything right now. I mean 100% hate. I'm so so so so so so so unhappy it's unbearable.

And yet I have a busy night ahead of me. Babysitting for Stella from 8:30p-2am. I'm going to Andrew's before that and helping him clean his closet. I might let him borrow the car to go to a friend's birthday party. I don't know if he wants to go yet. We shall see. Either way I'm going to be in English shit up to my neck sometime tonight. Oh well.

It's the end of the week....thank God

Chaos Mute Math lyrics

Artist: Mute Math Album: Mute Math Year: 2006 Title: Chaos

Complication Is My Claim To Fame
I Can’t Believe There’s Another, Constantly Just Another
Can’t Avoid What I Can’t Control
I’m Losing Ground, Still I Can’t Stand Down
I Know, Yea I Know…

I Know You Stay True When My World Is False
Everything Around’s Breaking Down To Chaos
I Always See You When My Sight Is Lost,
Everything Around’s Breaking Down To Chaos

It’s Hard To Trust Anyone Again
After All The Let Downs I’ve Been Through,
Haunted By What I’ve Been Through.
Air’s Still Trapped, While I Still Can’t Breathe,
And I’m Screaming Out, Give Me Help Somehow.
I Know, Yea I Know…

I Know You Stay True When My World Is False
Everything Around’s Breaking Down To Chaos
I Always See You When My Sight Is Lost,
Everything Around’s Breaking Down To Chaos

…Chaos
I Know You Stay True

I love the musical quality of this song. The words... they're deep. But the music of the song. The guitar is ethereal. It's got a driving beat.

It's the end of the week and I'm glad because I'm tired. Of people and stuff. I don't have all that much to say really. Although I did realize something. Someone wanted to hang out with me and I just didn't feel like it. I'm not lonely because there's no one around but because no one I want it around.

My ego and my heart and my soul are just bruised. They're torn the fuck up. There were a lot of people in my life that should have never been in it. And they're gone now. And it's good. But I miss some of these people. Which makes moving on hard. I think deleting my Myspace helped. A lot. Everyone doesn't need to know everything. I've always been a big fan of complete disclosure. (When I skip school to go to lunch, I tell my mom about it.) But not everyone has that level of maturity. If the past one and a half years has taught me anything, it's that people are different. And some folks just have to be let go.

So Busy I could be a Bee

It's the end of the quarter, I have an EKG Monday, I was at the hospital all day yesterday, there's PRIDE stuff and friend stuff and I am swamped.

It's rare....

That I ever know what's good for me and actually go out and do it. I'm not sure why I'm so damned stubborn. Maybe it's because I feel like I'm fighting against the world sometimes. I dunno.

Details

I wrote this like Saturday. Or maybe Friday. Either way, here it go.




So the past week has been a bit of a roller coaster. My English teacher and I didn't quite see eye to eye and she used my papers as an excuse to have me permanently removed from her class. I tried to fight it but she prevailed since the two papers I wrote were about self-mutilation and BDSM. I didn't write them to show off or cause a fuss but to prove a point. Everything has a humane normal aspect to it. No matter how off the wall and twisted it may seem, everyone is basically the same. It was important to me to write papers that showed that because I feel so unloved and unaccepted. I feel taboo. I was hoping to open a few minds and draw a paralell between these taboo parts of our culture and myself. A part of me is normal. I'm not some horrible person. This was all Monday and Tuesday.

Tuesday I worked from 5pm to 10pm. I'd been dealing with the school stuff all day and I just couldn't face going home and listening to my mother harp on it again and again. So I drove around. I went to the bookstore first and left there about 10:40pm. I drove down Volvo past my house, hit Kempsville and then hit Centerville. Took that down to Mt. Pleasant Rd. and then took that to 464. Went through the tunnel, down Effingham to Geo. Washington Hwy and kinda winded around there on and off Victory Blvd. I got a little tired so I figured I'd go home. I took the Jordan bridge and was on 464 headed home. I took the Military Hwy. exit and went away from my house instead. Went over the Gilmerton bridge and straight down Military Hwy past Geo. Washington Hwy. Ended up going through Western Branch near Joliff. (It's about a stone's throw from where 64 branches off and goes to either Suffolk or Richmond.) I went on 664 a bit. I guess I'm trying to illustrate that I went all over creation.

I decided to turn around and go home. I kept drifting off though. I wasn't drifting on the road too bad but I was drifting off(falling asleep). I'm not sure why I didn't stop. Anyway, I woke up and I was headed straight on for a tree in the median. I guess my foot got heavy while I was sleeping because I remember the speedometer reading 40 mph. So I turn the wheel hard. I'm too close to the tree to avoid it completely so I catch it with the side of my car. I spin around and around and end up about 100 yards (I guess) down the median on the other side of the tree. I called Scott earlier cause I was kinda lost (it was raining earlier and I couldn't find any landmarks) and Portsmouth is his stomping grounds. So I called him again because he was all like if you need something let me know. When I hit this tree, I hadn't eaten or drank anything since Monday afternoon. And I hit the tree at 1:26 am Wednesday morning. (Please don't ask me why I noticed the time.) So I could sense that I was okay but I wasn't really in the car. I was quite out of it. So I called him because it just seemed like the right thing to do. He asked all the appropiate questions (is the car stuck, are you ok, did you hit your head). He then told me to go home NOW, and so after I drove back towards the tree and picked up my hubcap (I bent the hubcap of the driverside front wheel) I did what he said and went home. Called my mama and woke her up to tell her. She told me to come home and hung up. No questions from her. I went home, went to sleep and then to school. I went to school where they informed me that I was going to be doing independent study for my English class from now on. So basically they stuck me in a room by myself for and hour and a half where all I had to think about is how I could have died and how everyone was so indifferent to that. And how I wasn't so sure I was glad that I woke up when I did. Ten seconds later...

I started to cry and get very upset. My math teacher had me go to the office and I just couldn't stop. I'm guessing because of my history, they put me out until I could get a note from a doctor saying I wasn't a threat to myself or others. My mom took me to the ER and I just froze on the inside. Honestly, my mama's being a RN is what kept me from being admitted. That scared me so bad. I'm so afraid of losing my free will, my voice. A part of me died Wednesday.

I called Andrew because I really needed to talk to someone who'd have a snowball's chance in hell of understanding. But once again, the fact that I have no true friends was made startlingly clear.

I'm scared. Scared to think, or speak for fear that it'll be twisted and I'll be put away. No one really gets it and I can't really explain it anymore. I'm so lonely and just in so much pain. And so I cut myself to feel better. And when I can't cut, I starve myself. I'm fully aware that no matter how much I cut or starve myself, I'm never going to be pretty enough or just plain enough to have any true friends that care about me. I know that. But I still hope. If I could talk to my "friends" when I was lonely or sad or feeling hopeless it might be different. But I can't. They can talk to me though. I guess I just don't deserve support.

I haven't been to school since they sent me home Wednesday. I got a note from the ER doctor referring me to a shrink, but the school wants me to see the shrink before I can go back. They set me up with an office that works in pyschiatrist/pyschologist teams. I'm going to be medicated. I'll lose my personality because I'll be coked outta my head. That makes me so sad but at the same time I just can't care about it anymore. I see them tomorrow. I'll probably be forced to go to the counseling person for a while.

That was my week.

Forebaring

I feel all panicky. Like the slightest thing could send my heart racing. I'm not sure if it's because of my mounting loneliness and dissatisfaction with the status quo or the diet pills I started taking again. But my chest really hurts and so does my stomach. Not to mention I just feel jumpy and uncomfortable.

Something wicked this way comes...

2:07am

The madness, the sadness, and the anxiety are steadily ramping up to create a cacophony of delirium causing noise.

I am slowly going mad.

I'm wide awake, have homework undone I had all weekend to do that I just couldn't get motivated for. I'm growing more suicidal by the minute and there is no end in sight. I'm not sure I can breath. I feel fat and have decided to give food up all together. Jesus Christ I just want someone to put me first.

Things always work out

I got all my stuff done for my pictures unsure how I was going to pay for it. Then I get asked to babysit six kids and I get sixty bucks. (Saturday) I hop at Sonic and come home with tips. And worked a great shift. Yes Krystal was managing but Courtney was there and so was Naudia, Jamel, Chris, and Jack. I laughed, I swore, I flirted, and went home somewhat on time.

I'm still achy but not so tired. I have a new wheel on my car so I feel a bit more at peace. I could use that massage but I don't know anyone that gives one. I'm at a place in my life where I'm dumping the shit. Because I'm tired and I have better ways to expend my energy. I really just want to be taken care of. I'm tired.

Take care of me for a change

I need money.
I don't have it.
I suppose I'm overly generous when I can't afford to be. And I can't seem to control my spending. I'm eating out all of the time when I don't absolutely have to. Why this is I don't know. But I'm just going to sit tight because something always comes through for me when I least expect it. Although I doubt it will happen now.
My check is small because I didn't work the first week of school. So my whole check is going to hair and nails for my senior pics. Because I honestly don't see the point of spending money to take the pictures if I look like shit. Well, sloppy shit. No matter what I do I'm going to look like shit regardless. But I'd like to look like well put together shit.
Fuck it whatever. I just need about 50 dollars to save my ass so I can pull everything together. And I don't have it and I know I'm not going to get it. Because I rarely get anything.

I've learned something about myself

I have no patience for people that complain excessively. Or those that make wrong decisions on purpose to overdramatize their situation.

None. Whatsoever.

Too bad that's the only kind of people I deal with.

It's almost the end of the second week of school. I'm tired. I'm achy. I need one of those nice, slow back rubs that I seem to be great at giving but not receiving. I hear they're great. Maybe they aren't as great though and I just don't know it cause I've never gotten one. Who knows. I feel like crap. I need some TLC. From someone else. A massage, cuddling, and then a nap. That's what I need and that's what I want.

Any offers? Feel free to contact me. Hell feel free to do anything that lets me know someone besides me reads this. Fake names are ok if I can tell who you are underneath them. Even if I can't they're okay.

So..

1. Papa went to the ER tonight because of his leg still hurting from when I caused him to fall Tuesday before school.
2. Being in the heat during Girl Scouts and my car when I got a flat and then being in the cold of Sonic has cause my allergic reaction to turn into a cold.
3. I want to sleep while being held.
4. I can't think straight.
   
5. often wonder if there's any point in telling anyone anything anymore.
6. That's a lot of anys.
7. HE called around nine and I was working until ten tonight so I missed HIS call by like an hour.
8. I'm mad as hell that I missed HIS call.
9. I'm actually mad as fuck.
   
10. I don't like people(friends).
11. I'm not that fond of people in general.
12. I hate my job.
13. I'm too lazy to find another one.
14. I'm too lazy to find a better paying one.
    
15. I'm just lazy.
16. Any problems of anyone I know are my fault apparently.
    

ick

So it's about midnight. I was sleeping but I woke up to take out my contacts. Decided to get up and print off something to take into Government tomorrow. I love our discussions. I could argue politics and the state of the nation with Ben and David all day. Lauren too. I feel teribly. I'm not sure if it's because I'm tired or not. I can't remember eating dinner, but I've been arguing with my brother all evening about why I'm not at his beck and call as far as rides are concerned. (Someone lied to this poor boy and told him that since his sister got her license, he will always have his own personal ride and he will never have to carpool again. How sad.) After a couple of rounds of that, I slept the sleep of the dead and then woke up, so I'm a little disorientated. This all translates into me not being able to remember dinner if I had it. I don't want to eat in case I did because that's extra calories that I don't need. But I am hungry and perhaps a little weak from that. Ooo. Bad wording. I KNOW I'm a little (a lotta) weak. I'm just not sure why. I'm going to lay down before I throw up.

To everyone who's blog I read:
I don't remember most of your links off the top of my head. Once I get my laptop back, I will read up and comment on backposts.

My lazy day is a Tuesday

I spent today in bed.

Scott's bed to be more exact.

I laughed, got screwed to the seventh level of heaven, cuddled, gave (in my opinion) great head, and slept. I got a nice back rub too.

It was a lazy day and it was a good day. I got there early enough to wake up his mama (she was grateful though cause she'd overslept) and just crawled into bed with him till I felt like being awake. Which was about five minutes later since he sleeps in the nude and was sportin' MASSIVE morning wood. The typical day insued. Homewreckers is a funny show. Very funny. I'd kill the "friend" that set me up like that though. Like seriously, someone would be looking for body parts. Reversing those pranks must cost a shitload of money. I like his house. It's cozy and it's got this rambling effect going for it. Like you KNOW people have lived there for like ever. I like his bed cause oftentimes, he's in it. And he has cool The Nightmare Before Christmas sheets. But mostly cause he's in it. It was a nice relaxing day. A good one. I have inside jokes I can laugh out loud at in Wal-Mart when I'm there at two in the morning. (It helps keep away the pervs.)

There was the monkey wrench that not eating, taking a diet pill with a shitload of caffiene(sp?), exerting an EXTREME amount of energy, and being in a HOT room is. But despite that, it was a good day and I'd do it again. I mean I left the house around nine and didn't get home until after six. If Dad didn't need his meds, there's a good chance I'd still be over there. (I like how I'm the only one that can do that by the way.) I really had no other reason to leave. I'm still feeling a little shaky so I'm going to work on that summer AP Gov work, I STILL DON'T HAVE DONE. This shit IS NOT going to be finished by next week. Bad way to start off the school year. Bad. Back to work I go though.

I'm cracking like a 500 pound hooker's cheap glass heels

I'm tired. Really tired. I might be sleeping in my car this weekend. Not that anyone could care. Not that I care if people care.
The opinons of others are overrated. It's really about you and what you can live with. I just realized I have a fuck buddy. I'm not sure when Scott turned into that and I'm not sure how I feel about it because I never thought I'd be that casual about sex. But what is is and there's nothing you can do about it.

There's nothing new and that's the not-so-great thing

So I feel sorta kinda like crap. Chest pains, headache, nausea, joint and muscle pain. I guess I'm just really tired and worn down. I've been working late nights. Like getting home at 2 am. Getting up and going to summer school. Dealing with Dad and Matt and then more of the same. I'm just feeling battered. There's really no fun in my life anymore. I don't do anything fun because I'm either too tired or working or have Dad watch. I'd be crying about everything but I guess I'm just too tired to do that too. I'm supposed to be doing lunch with a friend tomorrow (Wednesday), but she didn't call me so I guess we're not doing anything. Cause I mean, we talked last week and said we were doing lunch and that we'd pick the restaurant when we went out. And then I was like I'm on my way and she was like we didn't plan anything so she planned stuff with her mom. I don't know. Phones work both ways and honestly, I get tired easily. I can't always place calls. It's kinda of grating on me to always call people and never get an answer. I rarely call my mother about stuff anymore. Like when something occurs, if I'm going to be at work before she gets home, I just leave sticky notes on the fridge. If that. I don't know. I just can't seem to be bothered to call people that don't answer the phone. Or if they do, they don't have the time to talk. I can quite easily see how "Mary" just stopped calling people. It's a bit of a blow to the ego to call people and not be wanted.

I'm hungry but too tired to get anything to eat. So my mommy is making me a salad and bringing it to me. Which is nice of her. Cause she's nice. I'm not sure that I can get it down and keep it down but I'm going to make an concentrated effort. Maybe I can get some more sleep. Cause God knows I'm dead tired even though I've been sleeping on and off all day.

Changes

Things are changing fast and I'm not sure that I like that. In fact I know that I do not. But I can't make them unchange. And that's disappointing. I miss him. SO much. I feel like I can't call him up just to shoot the shit and that's upsetting. So very upsetting. Shouldn't be that upsetting but it is. I burn for him. My want for him, my NEED is just this driving force. I'd be broke, barefoot, pregnant, and uneducated if it meant getting him forever and ever some more. That's a strange thought.

I'm getting a little sleepy and a little sad so I'm going to lay down and relax. Maybe sleep.

A Letter to a True Friend

Here's a copy of a letter that I wrote to a friend in Florida.

Hey!!!

Hope you're doing well in Florida. I hate to be a bummer and bring ya down, but I'm struggling so hard. I was supposed to go hang out with Drew on Sunday. I was already kind of tense about it because I called to see when we could hang out on Thursday and he didn't really get back to me until Saturday saying we could hang out Sunday. I get ready to leave my house and it's one thing after another with him. I end up driving out to Oceana and he's getting ready to leave to go chill with someone else when I get there. And it's like he doesn't even get why I'm mad. My personal time comes last on the list of the family. If my mother or brother wants to do something, I can't do what I want. So I have to plan ahead or really juggle to get free time on short notice. And he just doesn't care. My dad is smoking again, one of the things that attributed to his stroke and there's nothing I can really do about it. If it's not summer school, it's my family, or work because people there can't do anything right and/or on time. And I just want to hang out with my friend and destress and relax and he just adds to it whenever I try for three days to get time to hang out with him and he just blows me off. I'm so tired all of the time and I'm just so incredibly stressed. I just sit and cry about maybe 60% of the time I'm by myself. I don't get it. I try my hardest to be an understanding friend and just a good person in general and I can't seem to catch a break with anything. I sat in my car today and cried for 20 minutes. I wanted to get drunk and cut my wrists SO bad, but too many people count on me for me to afford myself that luxury. It's like everyone wants something from me, but no one wants to give and that just makes me wonder where I fucked up so bad to the point where no one can help me.

Sorry if this has been depressing but I just needed to get it out.


So that's the jist of what I was talking about in my other post. Yeah.

Just some stuff

So I'm miserable and in pain. I cried a lot yesterday and slept a lot. Today I just slept most of the day. I'd run an errand and then sleep. That was my afternoon. I'd kill to be able to slash my wrists and just sit in one spot and bleed. I'd also like to be able to just drink until I can't see straight. As it is, I drank a small bit today and I feel a small portion better. Not by much though.

I thought having a license would mean that I'd hang out more with my friends, but I just spend more time alone. And it's worse because now there's no "I don't have any gas" excuse. It's just plain old "I don't want to spend time around you".

My panic attacks are back and they're making up for lost time. Last night, well more like this morning since it was one am, it scared me so bad that I ended up calling Devin. Which is bad since I really don't want him in my life anymore.

I'm sick of fighting with my "friend" and I'm tired of coming last with the family. I'm just plain tired. And the physical pain I'm dealing with is excruciating. And it has been for the past few months, but I have no time to go to the doctor. So there's really no end in sight for all of that.

But I have homework and Steve's over so I'm just going to try to relax.

As I sit

As I sit here alone, finally, for the first time of the day, I feel stupid.

It is a simple fact of life that nothing is ever quite that simple and that when things go up, they will undoubtable come crashing right back down. It is not only fate, but it's nature. Science. Hard cold fate. To be disputed by nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Oftentimes the people we think of as friends are in reality smart people who know to keep the people they have something against close. If you're jealous of someone and you want to keep them from getting what you want but can't have, what better way than to befriend them and then block their every attempt at happiness "in their best interests"? My head aches, the rest of me aches and I'm miserable. Blech.