Faces

I'm watching a Degrassi marathon on the N. I love this show. It's full of drama and cool stuff and it's just great.
One of the characters, Jay, looks like HIM. Jay was being a really good friend to Alex after her and Paige broke up and it made me miss HIM. A lot. He and I had a a falling out. He basically took in the past couple of weeks of events (from the father freak out about PRIDE onward) and called my family dysfunctional. So I told him to go fuck himself. It's like our umpteenth blowup of the year. We haven't talked since. I miss HIM. I could call, but I'll be damned if I cave first. I just needed him to be my friend. Not put me down and make me feel like shit.

I'm tired of wondering where I stand on certain things so I'm just going to stop thinking about it. Them. You know what I mean.

Change is on the horizon and I'm not sure I'm ready. I know I'm not. I don't like change. Especially if I'm not sure what it means for me and where I stand in all of this.

Changes

Things are changing fast and I'm not sure that I like that. In fact I know that I do not. But I can't make them unchange. And that's disappointing. I miss him. SO much. I feel like I can't call him up just to shoot the shit and that's upsetting. So very upsetting. Shouldn't be that upsetting but it is. I burn for him. My want for him, my NEED is just this driving force. I'd be broke, barefoot, pregnant, and uneducated if it meant getting him forever and ever some more. That's a strange thought.

I'm getting a little sleepy and a little sad so I'm going to lay down and relax. Maybe sleep.

Friends, Music, and a dab of other things

Given recent events, I've sort of rediscovered some of my friends. I wish some of them would have stayed hidden. But that's neither here nor there. I have the bestest besty in the world. She blows your besty out of the water. Just totally. She's going through a very happy time right now. And while a very small part of me is jealous, a large part of me is relieved that happiness can still happen to normal people and reassured that one day it will grace my presence. I'm reconnecting with my buddy Stephen which is a blessing since he's a calming, sane influence in my life. He's a saint for helping me with my chemistry which isn't easy at all.
I have a stadning lunch date with Holly and I'm going to Temple with Steve next week. I do things now. I can remember when I used to not do things. When I used to sit at home and not do things. And be sad. I'm sad now, but it's in public away from my house.

Music these days suck. The songs are about how to do a dance step. They're dancing instructions. Isn't art supposed to imitate life? Life isn't about dance steps. Whatever happened to love and hate and jealousy and pain? Suicide and adventure? What happened to the quality and depth of people's lives?

The end of my childhood is fast approaching. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I know I need to get my ass off the fence about that though.

...Do we see trouble coming? Do we care?

Some people are just trouble. You get into trouble when you're around them. You lie to see them. You abuse the privlege that driving is. You piss other people off. But you just don't care. Because their hugs are so warm. And he smells so good. So knowing he broke your heart and that he let you down and he made you cry, you're gonna give him another chance.

I see the trouble coming and I don't really care. Cause he's just too much fun.

Spector from a not-so distant past

Right now, I'm having a most interesting conversation. It's with Cassie, Devin's ex. Devin is an ex of mine and he's dumb as hell. I stopped caring a while ago about the mess he continues to make of his life. Since all I'm doing in this conversation is explaining to Cassie what I know of his latest screw-ups, one might wonder why I find this conversation interesting.

I may or may not seem hard to people lately, but for the first time ever I sound smart to myself. Better if you will. If being smarter about who you trust and let into your life means that you have to be a little mean, then I guess I've turned into a real bitch. Not that I'm overly bothered by it. I'm actually quite pleased with myself. Sometimes your skin has just gotta be tough. You've gotta be a little hard in order to meet your goals.

determination
ex-boyfriends

I had forgotten....

I've always loved to write. I've been told I'm quite good. But just now I re-realized how much I liked to write. Lately, everything has become a chore for me. Just another thing to do. I feel inspired all of a sudden. I might write up some short stories. Post them in a blog. I don't know. But it doesn't matter, as long as I do it for myself. I need to start that up again. Doing things for myself. Simply for pleasure.

Anticipaton

So tomorrow morning I get my wisdom teeth pulled. Fun fun. Not really. I've been out of touch with people that used to mean the world to me and I'm not sure how I feel about that at times. I'm really glad I brought this back. I'm not sure what all will end up in here, but I'm a stronger, smarter person so I don't think I'll have repeat issues.

Wish me luck on my teeth.