That's just how it is

My myspace isn't set to private. My Facebook is as public as I can make it. I'm an open person. I like who I am and that's just what it is. I hate the idea of secrets. I have the balls to think it therefore I have the balls to say it. That's right. I have a set of balls. Big, ole steel ones bitches.

I have my friends and I've slept with the people I've slept with. I'm not ashamed of anything I've done really. Except for maybe one sexual experience. But we'll chalk that up to inexperience and let it go. Bottom line, I like the friends I've made over the course of the past 18 years. They're good people. They're supportive and they're loving. And as for the lucky men, of whom there are not too many but just enough, you guys are some BLESSED sons of bitches. For reals.

I am black. I am chunky. That is just it. If that's embarrassing for you then you're shallow and you don't deserve to have me grace your presence anyway. The least you can do is be adult about it. If people important to you have an issue with my skin color, you need to do one of two things:

1. Evaluate the people you know.
2. Wave goodbye to me.

Do not try to have your cake and eat it too. You WILL lose every single time. Every time. So just don't go there. I'm nothing to be ashamed of. If you are, you just can't be my friend. Or we just can't be romantically involved. You'll be sad but you'll get over it.

The above isn't directed to anyone in particular. I was just going over past experiences and thinking....eh fuck that. That shouldn't have happened. And won't happen again. I am nothing to be ashamed of. I feel bad for people that can't speak openly about the lives they lead and HIDE everything. It would drive me crazy.

The next part is directed to two people in particular. I won't say any names but they know who they are. I'm always the good girl that doesn't start anything and I'm over cowering. I'm going to vent.

Blonde(ish) # 1: I do not care how long you have known Stephen. It is of no importance to me. No one is trying to steal him or turn him against you and your family. Here's the thing: You're like fucking twenty are you not? I haven't let my mother disrespect my friends or friends of my friends, or anyone that hasn't earned it since I was 14. Grow a damn spine and put a leash on her. Do not blame her for the shit YOU say. Besides that, who the fuck are you to put a wall between my friend and I? I feel like I can't even talk to him because of you and your psychotic, clingy ass. I miss my friend and it sucks. Don't get me wrong, I totally understand spending all of your free time with the one that gets your blood flowing. But I sit there face to face with him and your vile, nasty attitude and feelings towards me are right there in between us. I'm not sure why you don't feel woman enough to have him have opinionated friends AND you in his life, but I think it's sad. I'm not sure why no one can care deeply about him except for you but again I say it's sad. Control Stephen if you want to as long as you make him happy. Sometimes life doesn't make sense, but ok. But end it there. Seriously if I hear one more thing about you going psycho bitch on his siblings, I will do what their MOTHER (not you by the way) has taught them NOT to do. It is not your place to discipline or terrorize them in their own house. I will do what someone should have done a while ago. I will smack the shit out of you. You got into something that had nothing to do with you and made it ten times worse. Things still aren't back the way they used to be/should be. And that is your fault. And yes I have held onto it. It's concerning a friend and so it's important to me. You owe me an apology for the shit you said about my intelligence. If you have a question ask it. Don't assume shit and call me names you crazy bitch. (Since you haven't apologized and things still aren't fixed, I've taken the liberty of calling you a few things and venting out my frustrations. I now consider the slate clean and am 50% happy.)

Blonde #2: This has been coming for a VERY VERY VERY long time. It is a goddamn shame the law had to get involved before I could get some peace. My family life is very mixed up now and has been for some time. I don't need your shit. Let us rewind shall we? Two years ago. You make up family emergencies to pull him away from other friends. Me included. I think it's odd but I get over it. It's what he wants to do so he can go ahead and do it. It always has to be about you all of the time. I hang out with him and he makes the mistake of telling you and wham! You are blowing his phone up and screaming at him. You then get my number and blow it up every time we hang out together. This goes on for about a year to a year and a half. Every time it happens, I let it go and DON'T snatch you bald/knock all your teeth down your throat/break your arms because Andrew begs me not to. Plain and simple. Instead of bitching at him every time he reacts in a way you don't like, you need to kiss the ground he walks on. Let's fast forward to present day. You have a nice, stable guy for a boyfriend. I wouldn't pick him, but everyone goes for different things in a person. He treats you like the good person you're not. More power to him for putting up with your shit. You try your hardest to fuck that up by trying to fool around with Andrew, but it doesn't work because cheating is wrong and Andrew is entirely too good of a person to be "the other man". He said you were friends only and no matter how much you want to mess that up and "crazy" yourself out of yet another boyfriend, he refused to move from that. I'm not sure why people put up with you but I'm not one of those people. If I didn't think that you would have harassed/bothered/driven James crazy like you tried to do to Andrew when served the charges the Friday Drew left, I would have COMPLETELY followed through. Because I know I'll never get an apology that means anything from you and that's the next best thing. I felt bad for James because he seems like a great guy that hasn't done anything to earn the displeasure of dating you. By the way, the 50 million fucking calls to Andrew trying to have him "talk" to me were not only rude, but unproductive. I think for myself. If he didn't stop me from filing a report and pressing charges what makes you think he'd get me to drop them. And you knew good and well that he had to be up early. Because of you, he woke up that morning with a migraine so intense he could barely move. What kind of "friend" fucking does that?
Let's discuss something you've brought up several times over the phone, through ims, and through Facebook. Because over the next year, I WILL NOT hear shit about this from you. I am a generous person. And not just with Andrew. My mother frequently gets a dozen roses. My brother has nice clothes and a PSP. Several of my friends get gas money, or money to go get pierced or a variety of other things. I run errands for people and help friends in anyway that I can. THAT IS THE KIND OF PERSON I AM. Just because you are not generous does not mean you need to be jealous of my generosity. I don't buy affection, respect, or "quality time" from anyone. Anyone that I'm buddy buddy with knows if they want to call because they need an ear, my phone is on 24/7. If something material can make someone I care about smile, or I can do something to make them smile, and I'm able; then it's as good as done.
DO NOT DISCUSS THIS AGAIN. I DON'T LIKE HAVING MY FRIENDSHIPS QUESTIONED.
THIS IS HOW IT IS: YOU'RE ON YOUR LAST STRIKE. START SHIT AGAIN WITH ME AND NEITHER ANDREW NOR JAMES WILL BE ABLE HELP YOU. LEARN TO HANDLE YOUR OWN ISSUES; YOU'RE TWENTY YEARS OLD. BETTER YET, QUIT STARTING SHIT.
Finally, this is all I have to say: You've been trying for TWO YEARS to fuck my shit up with my friend and it HASN'T worked. Get a clue already. That is my boy. I have his back and he's got mine. And that's just how things are. Get over it.

I have vented and I feel SO much better now. Yes there will be fallout from this entry but like I said, I'm not ashamed of anything. Not my words and not my actions.

The slate is clean now as far as I am concerned. I have no more issues with Melissa Zawacki or Heather Grossman. I am 100% happy at this moment.

You can send me messages about this entry if you like, but let's be serious I'm not going to consider their content. I'll read them and leave it at that.

Explanation of my first tattoo

I turned 18 on the 8th of June. There wasn't a big to-do about it but I was relatively happy with what went down. I took a good look over my childhood. The people that have come and gone. The pain I've gone through. The tears I've shed, the jokes I've told. All of that has been on my mind a lot lately while I've been contemplating my very first tattoo.

I'm getting My Angels at the top of my back and then the initals of the three people that made me happiest during my childhood. Those people are my mom, Andrew, and Stephen. I have their initals done in that order. Momma is on the left because it's closest to my heart. I go back on the 27th to get My Angels put up there along with some cloud work.

To be completely honest and not at all melodramatic, the past two years that I've known Stephen and Andrew have been the happiest of my life. They've also been the saddest. I'm not on completely solid footing with either of them right now, but that doesn't really matter. They, at one time, cared enough to love me even though I didn't love myself. That's a powerful lesson to learn. I went through some rough times during high school. These three helped pull me through. They're the reason I have a future to look forward to. I'll be eternally grateful for that. Which is why it'll be forever inscribed on my back.

To these three I have this to say:
Forgive me for the disappointments.
I'm only human.
I'll love you always.

Growth

Growth is a big part of life. So is change. Sometime they're quite scary but what can you do? You can't skip out on life. I went to Harbor Fest Saturday to see the fireworks. I really enjoyed them. Lightning, fireworks.....the sky is an awesome thing to watch. Always. I've grown a little bit. Other people I know have grown quite a bit as well. While it's a tad discomforting because change is different and it's scary, I'm also quite happy. When I went to Harbor Fest I was with Stephen and his girlfriend, her brother and his girlfriend, and her friend and her boyfriend. I've known Stephen for a while. We were EXTREMELY tight. We were both going through some deep shit. We needed each other. We were sounding boards for each other.

Stephen doesn't need me anymore. And I'm glad. I felt a little ignored and not at all liked by any of the other people there. Except for Sara. She seemed pretty chill. The thing is though it was ok. I've never really seen Stephen THAT out of his shell. It was a happy sight. Not that I'm saying he's like socially stunted. That's not it at all. He was just....relaxed and open. Happy. It was nice to see.

My tattoo that I'm getting is going to be quite emotional for me. I'm excited about it. I'm also excited about my second piercing. I'll take pictures of it once the swelling goes down a bit. The industrial is quite sweet I must say. Anyway, next on my list after I gain some employment, is a tongue piercing and a tattoo on my right hip. I won't say what it is yet because I want it to be a bit of a surprise. Rebecca had something to do with it though. She inspired it if you will. I'll let yall think on that for a second.

If you don't want to talk to me then don't

That pretty much means what is says. There's a lot that goes with that but I won't get into it.

Things that stress me out

I made a list at work to try and get an idea of what I can change and what I can work on. Here it is. The list is in no particular order. Just how they came to my head.

• Andrew visiting Kelly for a week out of the blue
• prom expenses
• having fun @ prom
• money in general (bills, tuition, gifts)
• keeping my job
• losing weight
• Dad's health
• graduation
• Dad's temper
• my health
• strokes
• Andrew going camping w/ Melissa
• buying a new car
• moving out
• Stephen moving out for the summer
• Becca cutting
• taking summer classes
• passing summer classes
• Dad's spending habits
• Andrew's injuries
• the car I drive now
• health/car insurance
• getting to know Nick
• Devin's wedding in August
• my 18th B-day

It's kinda long.

when we shatter we form pretty patterns on the sidewalk

Well......just well. Since the last time I wrote I have talked much with many people. Actually I haven't really. I stil haven't completely tackled the way I let Stever down and I might not for a while. But it's out there and I feel a little less fake. And that's a good thing. Being or feeling fake is neither fun nor easy.

I like my job. It fits me. It's about the only thing that actually does. But hey it's still something. I just have to be on time. Being on time is going to be the bane of my existence. Truly it is. But I shall do it. It's going to take work.

As usual Andrew is Andrew. And things with Andrew are things with Andrew. I don't like them but I don't hate them either. They just are. It's the way my life has always been. Things just are. I can't have any control over anything because everyone else has to have it.

There are more and more instances popping up where I wish I was a little less stupid. A little smarter. Better. I just want to be better. Less of a slut. Less of an idiot. Less of a bad daughter. You know, despite my many many complaints, I love my parents. I'd just like to be right once in a while. I'd like to do/say the right thing. I'd like just for once to be looked at as right. Maybe I never will. That's depressing when you think about it. Which is why I don't. At least I try not to. But every now and again it pops up.

wishes

I wish I were strong enough to approach everyone I've ever disappointed and say I'm sorry. I'm so incredibly sorry. I mean it. Can't you tell I mean it?

I know I've always fallen short. And I know I've lied. And I know I've been selfish. But damn it I'm sorry. I really am.

RMS

How do you say you can't help someone anymore because you're afraid of putting yourself in harm's way again?

Addictions are terrible things. I'm partially free of mine. I'm so proud of that. And I worked so hard for it. I don't think it's possible to be completely free from an addiction. There's always the possibility that a trigger will rear its ugly head. There's always the possibility of relapse. Always. You reach a point I like to call the functioning point and then you're through. It's the point where you've not only gotten to where you can function without your crutch physically but you're ok with that mentally.

I guess my wonder, my question, my fear is that I'm not as close to that point as I thought if I feel unsure of my ability to cope with RMS and her complete lack of will to quit. We share the same addiction. It's like she's glad that she has a problem. Which in a twisted way makes sense because everyone in her family has some kind of concrete problem that is all official and well-known and there's medication available and.....I wonder if amongst the eating disorder and the bipolar disease, the alcoholism, the ADD (complete with INSANE anger) and the Superman complex that's resulted in an inability to cope with mistakes if she just felt lost and decided she needed to stand out. I'm not saying that's why she started, I'm saying I think that's why she doesn't want to stop. Because despite verbiage to the contrary it's like she's unwilling to stop. She doesn't even really try. Believe I know it's hard. Self-injury is a bitch to fight with. But....you have to at least try to fight. When she has a couple of good days, she's not happy about the good days but seeking a trigger and excuse to wreck the good streak. Yes she saying she wants to quit but not truly trying has been going on a very long time. Maybe it's the length of time I've been exposed and not the behaviors I'm exposed to that make me feel like I can't handle it anymore without risking my recovery.

It's valid. But I still feel like a selfish bitch.

I can't afford to sacrifice my recovery. I've got too much at risk. My job, my schooling (especially in light of the VT massacre), people. I think. I'm not all together sure of where I stand with some people. But I can't risk it. And as a responsible person don't I owe it to myself to remove myself from these possible triggers? I feel like I'm backsliding. When I hit a rough patch (there have been quite a few lately) it's the first thing that pops to mind. It's like I'm taking steps backwards.

It's valid. But I still feel like a selfish bitch.

It hurts my feelings to think I'm not as far as I originally thought. I know any progress is good and I should be glad with what I have. But still.

How do you tell the friend that's been so good to you that you can't help like you said you would. How do I tell him it's gotten bigger than I can manage when I told him I'd handle it?

Oh the possibilities

I hung out with Stephen yesterday. It was a lot of fun. It also raised some questions in my mind. More than I had when I went over there.

We talked a bit about the Andrew situation. If you don't already know, a while back him and I had talked about being roommates. Then both of us sort of backed off of it because he figured it'd be a while before he was able to move out of the barracks and that I should try to move out of my parents' house before that. Well he brought it up again recently but in a slightly different form. He may be getting custody of Erica soon and he of course needs a roommate. But not just for financial reasons. Like I'm sure I've also mentioned, he's going out on a 6 month cruise at the end of September. Guess who he wants taking care of Erica while he's gone? Yep, this little lady right here. Stephen says that he's trying to marry me. If you look at it, we're going to be doing the married person thing without having the actual committment. Which Steve says appeals to the two of us because neither of us are ready for it.

What if he's right? What if Andrew has feelings for me that are close to what I have for him and he just can't come out and say it? The concept that things with him could be as I want them to is mind-boggling. I mean it's just.....wow. Steve's theory adds more to the already bubbling cauldron of thoughts that's brewing in my head. I'm so worried about adding more pain to this little girl's life. She's already been through so so much. And I don't want to break her heart again. And I don't want my heart broken because instead of just losing the love of my life to another woman, I'm losing a daughter too. I'm just really worried about the situation. And I miss Andrew. We have to do some MAJOR talking when he gets back. Major. *le sigh*

What's your thoughts folks?

When I said I'm through, basically I'm through with you

Yes you. All of you. I'm struggling and instead of doing it under the pretense of being alone, I'm going to actually be alone. No more of this unreachable people bullshit. Fuck that. Call or im if you like, I doubt I'll answer. Comments here are appreciated, they always have been, but don't expect me to take your outreached hand and crawl out of the darkness into the light. Fuck that and fuck you.

I'm done. With all of it.

Sharing is supposed to be caring

I care, so why can't I share? I don't understand it. I like to talk. Love it actually. But when it comes to telling the people I care about that I'm struggling, I can't seem to really do it. At least not directly. I'm not sure why that is. I think it's that I don't want to hurt feelings. How do you step to someone and say, I feel abandoned. Don't they feel hurt? Especially if they feel like lately they've been doing great as far as supporting you goes.

When I'm in pain is when it bothers me the most to hurt others. But that doesn't help me. I feel like I'm bleeding on the inside. I hurt. Not just emotionally, but it's coming out physically. I have back pain and wretched leg cramps. It hurts to walk and it hurts to sit. So basically I can lay down and sleep. And I'm so so so awesomely tired. And my stomach is just constantly churning. I feel and I'm sure look like shit.

I'm craving it

It's like meth for me.

I want it so bad. I can feel the bite of the knife as my flesh opens up and blood spills out washing away the irritation, the agitation, the hurt feelings.

I can feel the heat of the lighter as fire burns away the disappointment and the pain.

And yet I am unharmed. I've cried a lot today (I haven't gone to sleep yet so my day is not over) but I am essentially unharmed.

Why you ask?

• Stevie
• Mommy
• Andrew

Not that the bottom two give two shits about me right now. One is wrapped up in her husband and her son, the other in some new chick that will surely fuck him over and use him and leave me to clean up the mess and put sweet pea back together again. It's all very Humpty-Dumpty. I am the king's horses AND his men.....and it's a fight to put him back together again.

It'd be really nice if someone took care of me for once.

I'm not Equal Oppourtunity anything

If you're a guy and you're black; you might as well not even bother talking to me. That's just how I am. I'm not sure why. Black guys are attractive to me but they aren't attractive. That's just how life is.

If you're a guy, you will get more chances with me than the average girl. Heck you could be Mother Teresa and you'd get less chances than the dude walking down the street. That's just how I am. Sue me.

Stephen I wasn't talking about you. I was talking about Andrew. Because he's going to couple's therapy and anger management and I can't help thinking he'd be better off without her. She's a bad influence. He's gotten progressively flaky and angry since he met her. And it's dreadful. I hate it. HATE HATE HATE IT.

The Potomac Mills thing is no big deal really. I'm not that much of a bitch and there's no real reason to think that. Get over yourself eh?

And I always thought we'd be together in the end

First off I'd just like to say that speaking up is hard. I'm really trying to do it. And it's scary. You don't want to offend people but you're tired of being walked on. Of holding it in. So you speak up. And speak out. And live life. It's great for me really. But it's not easy. Don't act like it is.



I'm getting ready to graduate soon. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. I'm still holding a little bit of the sad over from the last post. When I envisioned my senior year I envisioned things a lot different. I wasn't single, I'd found a group of people to fit into and hang out with. I hung out all the time with my best buds Alyssa and Holly. Life was great. Life didn't end up that way. I barely talk to Holly or Alyssa anymore. I can't really stand it when I do. We've all changed so much. They don't have time for me. I'm a last resort friend. And to be honest, I really don't like the people they are now. I've never been one to hang out with people that stab others in the back and used them cause I hate that. And that's sort of who they are now. I know people and shit changes more than anyone, I'm a Navy brat. But still, I didn't really see this coming. It makes me sad for those happy middle school girls we all were once. They're both in some pain and I can't say I feel bad for them. Well I do but I don't. I'm sorry they're in pain, but they've earned it. The Universe gives what it gets. some of the shit they've done to their parents and Anna and Jessie is just...messed up. Maybe I'm naive for expecting the world to be fair. I just think of what should have/could have/would have been and it saddens me. I thought I'd be graduating with my girls. We're graduating this year, but we're not really girls anymore. I miss that.


I miss Stephen. And I miss Andrew. I love those guys. I want them at my graduation. I wouldn't be alive to graduate without those two. But we don't talk at all anymore and I know a large part of that is my fault. I'm really difficult. But damn. You're not supposed to give on people the way yall gave up on me. I know I got trying. And I know you had stuff going on with yourselves. But when you got that straight, I still needed help. Steve, I'm not as smart as you. Andrew, I don't really have the inner strength you do. Yall knew that coming in. I guess you just figured you weren't doing any good so why bother. You both did so much good. I'm not gonna lie and say I don't think yall didn't ever fuck up. Females get in the way of things sometimes. That's all I'm going to say. Actually it's not. Melissa can be a brat but she's relatively decent. She really needs to let go of that drive she has to pitch a fit when she can't get her way. If someone needs their space, they're not going to NOT need it just cause you stomp your foot. And Andrew, you have to learn to stop trying to tell females what to do. It never works and you just end up pissed off. Skip the anger and the headache. Stephen, Caroline manipulated you and that hurt you. I know that. I could tell while it was happening how it chipped away at your self-esteem and your hope. You got out of that and I'm proud. But this new chick.....I'm just worried you're loosening up too fast. You're not like a lot of people our age. You have morals. I don't want you to lose your identity in someone else again. Because you weren't happy. I see you getting more and more apathetic and not caring about things you used....some of those things you used to care about are still important. Just because you got to the point where you associated some good things with a bad person doesn't mean the things are bad. I ask the Universe to help you see the difference. Despite everything that's happened and everything that's been said, I still love yall. I always will. In slightly different ways but love is love. I miss you two.


I'm done now. That took a lot out of me. My phone never rings. People with my number should call.

The Outcomes of the Cards and Labels

So I mailed friendship cards to Stever and HIM. Sure I could have called and told Stever that yes someone does in fact care and I could have called HIM and apologized and begged forgiveness. But sometimes cards just say shit better. I guess HE liked what the card said cause HE called me. Of course my shitty job made me miss his call but that's neither here nor there. Actually it's everywhere. I'm still ticked off about it.

I was looking at my list of labels. I have it organized not by alphabet but by the number of times people get a mention. Underneath depression, friends and my self-image is HIM. We have this huge blow ups and arguements and still HE's important to me. That's some feaky shit.

Moving in a good direction

So I'm looking at schools and with family being the way it is and everything else (money!! or lack thereof) ODU is looking like a pretty good option. It'd be pretty cool if Stever and I ended up going to the same college. Because then we'd share an apartment. And it'd be really cool. And good for the both of us. Like, I can see it. Trying to figure out which mother's house will get graced with our prescence(sp?) for Sunday dinner. Eating breakfast in front of the tv watching music videos. Just being our own kind of two person family. With our significant others tossed in if they exist. We've got each other for friends, so we'll be okay if we're single. But it would just be awesome. I can't wait. Really can't wait. Here's to hoping.

Delusions

If you repeatedly tell yourself (and others around you) something, is it because it's true and you're reassuring yourself of that fact or is it because you're hoping it's true? I hate talking in code, but it's recently come to my attention that sometimes it pays to hold your cards close to your vest. Being overly upfront and honest is not always a great thing. But at times it is. I'd hate to think about what it would mean if I was trying to delude myself into feeling or not feeling something. Because it takes two to tango and I'm pretty sure noone wants to tango with me.

I'm mad hungry. I haven't eaten anything yet. And I'm thinking I should. But food is downstairs and I am not. But thinking that I can sit up here and not eat is stupid. But it's all the way downstairs. I don't know why some part of me feels that if I exercise a whole bunch and barely eat I will lose more weight and people will like me better. Well society says you're a better person if you're thin so I get that. But the whole unhealthy eating and exercising thing I just feel compelled to do. And yes it's delusional. But go figure.

My friend is delusional. And he knows I'm talking about him. But in the interest of being kind, I'll just say that I hope he wakes up and ditches the bitch. Soon. Because she's irksome. And two seconds from getting knocked the fuck out. By yours truly. Cause she's a skanky ho. She does NOT deserve him. At all. Not in the slightest.

Musings of a Sunday eve

The one true source of protection you have these days is yourself. I hate to sound cynical, but maybe that's just how I am. Is that a bad thing? Is it dangerous to have your guard up against attack? No, I don't think so. I think it's good to be wary.

I thought I'd met a nice new guy and I was wrong. He basically sees me as an easy lay. And he comes off as unbalanced. And he's not him. So yeah. Lost cause. I'd hate for him to end up as someone who thinks they can call me only when they're horny. Because that's not me at all. I'm not meant to be casual about sex. I don't like to be. I'm NOT. I need someone caring and deep about me. I need emotion. I crave it. I'm a hugging kind of girl. The best sound to fall asleep to is the heartbeat of someone you love. I love strong arms and big hands. Kisses on the forehead. I'm not willing to settle for anything less.

Speaking of things that I like and I don't like, I don't like the nausea, migraines, chest pains, and muscles aches that I've been experiencing for about the past week. It's a crap shoot whether or not I keep food down. I just want to snuggle up with someone and be taken care of, but I hate pity so that's a no go. I don't like that I'm even thinking of cutting again. I really don't like the fact I had the knife to my flesh. He'd be SO disappointed. But then again I never really stopped for myself, it was for him. Well both. He was happier when I was taking care of myself and I didn't want to burden him. He looked so sad everytime he saw fresh cuts. It about broke my heart. But he cared all the same. Bless him. I also don't like the fact that I took a drink the last time Stephen was over here. He's a great friend though. He didn't get mad at me. Just looked at me with a very sad look. Asked me if anything was wrong; if I was ok. I lied and said I was just tired. It's not like he's just kickin' it at home though. He's got family stuff and girlfriend & company issues. Not to mention the high school-you're going to be a senior-lock in the rest of your life already drama. (It is in fact drama.) I just don't want to dump that on him.

I have sharing issues.

I miss just being friends with him. If everyone can just quit screwing it up, maybe I'll get that back before school starts. So I can start off strong.

Like I told my buddy Steve about relationships with certain people....it looks like a damn train wreck from the outside, but straight in the middle, where no one can really see, it's a pinprick of heaven. You deal with the cuts and the scrapes and the burns for that spot of heaven.

So.....

I'm sitting here and I feel like crying because I feel loved because I just read a comment on another entry from my buddy Stever. (He has no r on the end of his name, I just type on autopilot and he gets one.) To know that someone not only gives a damn, but that much of a damn, it's a great feeling. Stever is the one friend who I know will never hurt me and then claim it was in my best interests. If something that's good for me will hurt me, then he won't do it. Stever's goal first and foremost is to see me happy. He's never stabbed me in the back "for my own good".

I love ya Stever.

We haven't had an oven for about a week. I want homecooked food. For real, on a serious tip. I still feel sick but I have no time to go to the doctor or anything like that before someone says something. My chest hurts when I'm sitting still and it's worse when I get agitated or start moving fast. (Which means it's like hell on earth during my six hour shifts.) So don't make me feel worse by calling me to argue. Cause I'm not in the mood and I literally am unable to put you in your place right now.

Also, someone could have told me before now that my blog was on PST. That's nice and all, but I'm on the East Coast.

It's Simply Meant to Be

What makes us strive for that promotion, or that A, or that hot ride?

Because we don't want to be like the loser on the corner.

However in order to want to be better than the loser on the corner, there has to BE a loser on the corner.

Some of us were meant to be the losers. We help make the world go 'round. If you're one of the losers, no matter how hard you try, you're still a loser. For you to switch things up and be a winner, someone else is going to have to hit some hard times. And while you might hate your lot in life, that's no reason to wish misfortune on some other soul.

I thought of something today as I made my second trip of the day to Harris Teeter. Being a loser isn't a bad thing. You help give the world balance. And while I might not have a brand new car or a hot boyfriend or really cool expensive clothing, I have two good friends. And a license. I do have some fun. Not a whole bunch or even really cool fun. But it's enough and it works for me. While I can't help but wish to be on the other side of the fence of cool and accepted, would I even know what to do with myself if I got what I wanted?

Fuck no.
I'd be crazier than I am now.