Those are just the facts

Sometimes I think I shouldn't be allowed to sit by myself and think all that much. I don't know. I've just come to the realization that I'm a whore. Hell I'm a cheap whore. I exchange my self-respect for a few seconds of attention because I'm so conditioned to believe that I don't deserve attention. Which is true. I'm loud and mildly violent. I latch onto people entirely too quickly because I'm lonely. I've been lonely all my life really. I never really liked moving around all the time. I never got a chance to connect to anyone. I hated it. I hate myself.

Makes some sense

I fell in love with this song when I first heard it on Scott's Myspace page. I couldn't catch all of the words at first but over time I caught quite a few. It always brought a certain person to mind even when I had no clue what the hell the words were. I looked up the words and the reason it gets me in the mood and brings someone to mind makes sense.


Tool
Jambi Lyrics
Here from the king's mountain view;
Here from the wild dream come true -
Feast like a sultan, I do,
on treasures and flesh, never few.

But I, I would wish it all away
if I thought I'd lose you
just one day

The devil and his had me down,
in love with the dark side, I found.

Dabblin' all the way down.
Up to my neck;
Soon to drown

But you,
changed that all for me,
lifted me up, turned me 'round.
So I
I
I
I
I would
I would
I would
Wish this all away

Prayed like a martyr dusk til dawn
Begged like a hooker all night long
Tempted the devil with my song
And got what I wanted all along

But I
and I would
If I could,
mm, I would
Wish it away
Wish it away
Wish it all away
Wanna wish it all away
No pressure could hold, sway,
or justify my
kneeling away
my sinnin'..

So if I could I'd wish it all away,
if I thought tomorrow
would take you away.
You're my peace of mind, my home, my center.
I'm just trying to hold on
one more day

Damn my eyes
Damn my eyes

Damn my eyes, if they should
compromise our fulcrum;
Want and need - if I need it
I might as well be gone

Shine on forever
Shine on benevolent sun

Shine down upon the broken
Shine until the two become one

Shine on forever
Shine on benevolent son

Shine down upon the severed
Shine until the two become one

Divided I'm withering away
Divided I'm withering away

Shine down upon the many
Light our way
Benevolent son

pray
Breathe in union
Breathe in union
Breathe in union
Breathe in union
So, as one, survive
another day and season.

Silently just say your grace.
Silently, just stay out of my way!

A Run-Down of My Weekend

Friday

• Came home after getting my paycheck. I did that right after school.
  
• Took Dad to Office Max and 7-11.
  
• Time is now 7pm. I head out to Oceana figuring I'd check on Andrew while waiting to see Josh since Josh hadn't called me yet.
• 7:20pm-Get to Andrew's. He's happy to see me, I'm happy to see him, we have missed each other greatly.
  
• 7:55pm??-Me and Andrew get busy.
  
• 9:30pm-I call Josh and leave one last message and say screw it and him. Andrew asked me to sleep over and I agree.

Saturday

• Much fun ensues as Tim comes over and there is much drinking and laughing and DDR.
  
• 1:20am-We have kicked Tim out and are having sex again.
• 2:20am-We've taken a shower, I have borrowed clothes from various people and now I am sleeping. Andrew joins me sometime in the night.
  
• 7:00am-The alarm goes off and we ignore it.
• 8:36am- I see the clock and scramble to get going to Saturday school which starts at nine. In Chesapeake.
• 9:15am-Get to Saturday School in Tim's pants and Drew's shirt and lie about having car trouble so I can get into Saturday school.
  
• 12:00pm-Get out of Saturday school, run to go get gas, drop off Dad's parking pass at the Tricare clinic, and head to the house to change into my work pants.
  
• 1:15pm-Get to Girl Scouts in Norfolk, get Taylor signed up with my troop
  
• 3:00pm-Leave there and go to work.
• 7:00pm-Get off work and go home
• 9:00pm-Head to Kat's to babysit and spend the night.

Sunday

• I basically stayed at Kat's until about 4pm. Then Dion came over and took me to the mall so I could show him his tux for my prom.
  

I was busy this weekend.

I have a million things I could be doing but I have to get this out

Last Saturday I got a reply to a Craigslist ad from a guy named Josh. We've been talking everyday since then. We hung out on Monday and had great sex. I actually felt comfortable enough to laugh about it. Of course now I'm plagued with the worry that all he sees me as is committment free sex. I want a relationship somewhere down the road. A boyfriend. A man. To be someone's number one and their only. Josh picked up on the vibes that I was uncomfortable with what we'd done and he suggested that we not have sex for the next two months. After I got over crying about how happy I was he saw me in his life in the next two months, I was glad about it. I'm still a little uneasy though. Been burned before, not again.

I'm not sure why I had sex with him so soon. S&M would be able to shed some light on this. I mean how long did they know each other before she moved in with him? It's just.....I feel like I've known him for months. And he makes me smile. I've had so little to smile about the past couple of days. My father hasn't had any insulin or even tested his blood sugar since January 3rd. I'm scared to death of coming home and finding that he's dead. On Monday, my brother's birthday, he drove my dad somewhere. Apparently he misunderstood my dad and so my dad punched him in the mouth. My brother almost hit my dad. Since then he's locked himself in his den. I feel so bad. If I hadn't been lazy and I'd dressed when I first woke up that day, I'd have been available to drive Dad. I was in the shower when they left. Once again, I'm not helping avoid these situations. It just makes me feel like shit.

Back to guys. Andrew's single again. And he's hurting. The part of me that was his friend wants so bad to reach out and help him. The part of me that loved him in that way is very much preoccupied with Josh. The part of me that craves fairness is screaming at me to take the chance that I was never really given with him. Josh is amazing. He has this sweet Southern drawl that just makes me melt. He's a really sweet person. But there are some deal breakers with him. He's a heavy smoker. With Andrew and Devin it was ok because they smoked occassionally. And they made sure it'd been a while since they last smoked before they were around me. I'm VERY allergic. It's not life-threatening, but it could be with prolonged exposure. Plus, his family is very religious and religion is a deal breaker. I'm a pagan. I know. Ouch.

I
Am
Confused.

I'm a freak

It's something that I've been slowly accepting for the past couple of years. I don't mean it sexually although that is true.

I'm a weirdo. A freak. I'm odd as hell baby. And I'm beginning to love it. I have all these little nitpicky things about my personality that make me really really special. And that's got to count for something in this world. Even if it doesn't I'm still a good person. I'm worth something. A lot of something as a matter of fact.

I'm SOOOO sick of being single. Really tired. But it's ok. Cause someone really really awesome is just getting themselves all ready for me. And when I finally met this mystery guy, the fireworks are gonna blow and everything is going to be great. It won't be perfect because life just isn't that way, but it'll be awesome because it'll be as close to perfect as I can get.

Christmas Time...A Time for Thinking

Christmas wasn't all that big at my house. I have done a lot of thinking though and I think I'm better for it. No, I know. Sometimes you can't let go until you're ready.


Apparently, no one got my memo. I most definitely asked for a hot guy for Christmas. Someone I could fuck into oblivion. Yall didn't pull through. What the fuck gives bitches? Seriously, what?

WTF?!!?

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My lazy day is a Tuesday

I spent today in bed.

Scott's bed to be more exact.

I laughed, got screwed to the seventh level of heaven, cuddled, gave (in my opinion) great head, and slept. I got a nice back rub too.

It was a lazy day and it was a good day. I got there early enough to wake up his mama (she was grateful though cause she'd overslept) and just crawled into bed with him till I felt like being awake. Which was about five minutes later since he sleeps in the nude and was sportin' MASSIVE morning wood. The typical day insued. Homewreckers is a funny show. Very funny. I'd kill the "friend" that set me up like that though. Like seriously, someone would be looking for body parts. Reversing those pranks must cost a shitload of money. I like his house. It's cozy and it's got this rambling effect going for it. Like you KNOW people have lived there for like ever. I like his bed cause oftentimes, he's in it. And he has cool The Nightmare Before Christmas sheets. But mostly cause he's in it. It was a nice relaxing day. A good one. I have inside jokes I can laugh out loud at in Wal-Mart when I'm there at two in the morning. (It helps keep away the pervs.)

There was the monkey wrench that not eating, taking a diet pill with a shitload of caffiene(sp?), exerting an EXTREME amount of energy, and being in a HOT room is. But despite that, it was a good day and I'd do it again. I mean I left the house around nine and didn't get home until after six. If Dad didn't need his meds, there's a good chance I'd still be over there. (I like how I'm the only one that can do that by the way.) I really had no other reason to leave. I'm still feeling a little shaky so I'm going to work on that summer AP Gov work, I STILL DON'T HAVE DONE. This shit IS NOT going to be finished by next week. Bad way to start off the school year. Bad. Back to work I go though.

Bottom of the Toilet

So I worked out with my personal trainer yesterday. And he weighed me and took my body fat measurements.

205 pounds. 32.6% body fat.

Ew. I'm pretty sure every guy that I've ever slept with, all three of them, are probably looking for someplace to sanitize their dicks.

I want to hang myself. I thought about it. Looking for a rope. And then realized whatever I found to hang myself from would probably not be able to support my weight. I cried. Then neglected the idea of hanging myself. After all, I wouldn't want to make everyone's dislike worse by breaking their stuff.

Cars aren't my friend

So I figured I'd get up, go work out (worked out at Bally's last night for the first time, loved it), and hang out with Scott before he had to go to work.

Not so.

Mom didn't pick up Dad's insulin or test strips yesterday. Funny thing, she forgot to mention that to me. Dad of course starts screaming at me like it's my fault. So I'm getting up scrabbling to get dressed to get his meds and Mom walks in with it like it's no fucking deal. This man has been screaming and ranting and raving for (no lie) 15 minutes straight. I'm fed up beyond belief. Like bust a blood vessel fed up. And she just waltzes in. After that, I take Matt to get his cleat spikes. That he absolutely must have. After driving to Va Beach and back to drop him off, I get to see Scott. Hurray Scott. He made me smile and laugh which is what makes me consider him a friend. We chilled and then we go to leave. He has to work and I have to go home because he has to work. The charge light was on in my car on the way to his house. Lo and behold, it would not start when we were getting ready to leave. Maybe the universe was trying to tell us to hop back into bed. I don't know. Basically, I bitched and cried like a baby and acted like a punk because I HATE feeling like I'm asking people to go out of their way to help me. I'm afraid, deep on the inside that people won't like me because I ask them for things. And secretly, I just wanna be liked. After that, I get home and Dad is fussing and I'm like what the fuck ever dude. I have Mom take me to work because upon further inspection, my battery AND my alternator are/were shit. So I replaced the battery and now have to get the alternator rewired. Fuck and a half. Work was FUCKING SHIT. I'm looking for another job. One that pays well and doesn't drive me to drink. A thought occured to me tonight that I shall share.

The days I get laid are supposed to be golden. Especially when it's not just good, but happy. Sex with Scott is not as casual as I thought. But neither is it relationship, let's talk marriage sex. It's you're my friend that I can confide in and you make me laugh sex. Very good for the spirit. Scott is good people. Very good people. I shall miss him when he leaves. Laughing isn't easy for me you know. And making me laugh just comes naturally to him. Which is pretty cool. He's fairly cool.

I guess that was a couple of thoughts.

Musings of a Sunday eve

The one true source of protection you have these days is yourself. I hate to sound cynical, but maybe that's just how I am. Is that a bad thing? Is it dangerous to have your guard up against attack? No, I don't think so. I think it's good to be wary.

I thought I'd met a nice new guy and I was wrong. He basically sees me as an easy lay. And he comes off as unbalanced. And he's not him. So yeah. Lost cause. I'd hate for him to end up as someone who thinks they can call me only when they're horny. Because that's not me at all. I'm not meant to be casual about sex. I don't like to be. I'm NOT. I need someone caring and deep about me. I need emotion. I crave it. I'm a hugging kind of girl. The best sound to fall asleep to is the heartbeat of someone you love. I love strong arms and big hands. Kisses on the forehead. I'm not willing to settle for anything less.

Speaking of things that I like and I don't like, I don't like the nausea, migraines, chest pains, and muscles aches that I've been experiencing for about the past week. It's a crap shoot whether or not I keep food down. I just want to snuggle up with someone and be taken care of, but I hate pity so that's a no go. I don't like that I'm even thinking of cutting again. I really don't like the fact I had the knife to my flesh. He'd be SO disappointed. But then again I never really stopped for myself, it was for him. Well both. He was happier when I was taking care of myself and I didn't want to burden him. He looked so sad everytime he saw fresh cuts. It about broke my heart. But he cared all the same. Bless him. I also don't like the fact that I took a drink the last time Stephen was over here. He's a great friend though. He didn't get mad at me. Just looked at me with a very sad look. Asked me if anything was wrong; if I was ok. I lied and said I was just tired. It's not like he's just kickin' it at home though. He's got family stuff and girlfriend & company issues. Not to mention the high school-you're going to be a senior-lock in the rest of your life already drama. (It is in fact drama.) I just don't want to dump that on him.

I have sharing issues.

I miss just being friends with him. If everyone can just quit screwing it up, maybe I'll get that back before school starts. So I can start off strong.

Like I told my buddy Steve about relationships with certain people....it looks like a damn train wreck from the outside, but straight in the middle, where no one can really see, it's a pinprick of heaven. You deal with the cuts and the scrapes and the burns for that spot of heaven.

I'm cracking like a 500 pound hooker's cheap glass heels

I'm tired. Really tired. I might be sleeping in my car this weekend. Not that anyone could care. Not that I care if people care.
The opinons of others are overrated. It's really about you and what you can live with. I just realized I have a fuck buddy. I'm not sure when Scott turned into that and I'm not sure how I feel about it because I never thought I'd be that casual about sex. But what is is and there's nothing you can do about it.

Pain and questions

That's basically what I have right now. Yesterday I did something that I really wanted to do but am not exactly proud of. I wanted it. I wanted it badly. How could I not, it's him. My dream, my love, my heart. Without him, I'm a fucking wreck. But what I did was bad. But I loved it. I love him. I feel like shit. Complete shit.

Is the Internet for porn only?

So I'm sitting up here watching Squidbillies, which is....white trash with tentacles. What my mind is on right now is why a person can have an easier time of finding porn on the internet than like-minded people. I'm searching for blogs about fellow teens written by teens and having the most difficult time. And yet I can find an abundance of blogs about sex at the drop of a hat. I think things like that are what's wrong with America right now.

Well it's not sex, it's everyone's obsession with it. That's the first thing many people think of when they meet each other. Are they good in bed? Are they better than me? How many partners have they had? Is sleeping with them worth it? Whatever happened to wanting a potential mate to have personality of some sort? I'm sure my English in here is quite bad, but it's late and I'm tired. The Internet used to be a wonderland of communication and now it's basically a porn mag.

Squidbillies
porn