Gigantic Leap

I think I took one earlier. Not totally sure. We shall see won't we?


This moving thing is FUCKING crazy. I mean totally insane. Andrew is insane. He's driving me crazy. But he's Andrew and so I'll let it go. I'm such a fuckin' punk bitch.


I know no one will answer this, but could I get a comment or an email if you read and/or suscribe? It doesn't matter if you think I'm mad at you, I still want to know. I'm trying to get an idea of my audience. I'm thinking about writing another blog. I'll fill you all in on the subject matter later.

Explanation of my first tattoo

I turned 18 on the 8th of June. There wasn't a big to-do about it but I was relatively happy with what went down. I took a good look over my childhood. The people that have come and gone. The pain I've gone through. The tears I've shed, the jokes I've told. All of that has been on my mind a lot lately while I've been contemplating my very first tattoo.

I'm getting My Angels at the top of my back and then the initals of the three people that made me happiest during my childhood. Those people are my mom, Andrew, and Stephen. I have their initals done in that order. Momma is on the left because it's closest to my heart. I go back on the 27th to get My Angels put up there along with some cloud work.

To be completely honest and not at all melodramatic, the past two years that I've known Stephen and Andrew have been the happiest of my life. They've also been the saddest. I'm not on completely solid footing with either of them right now, but that doesn't really matter. They, at one time, cared enough to love me even though I didn't love myself. That's a powerful lesson to learn. I went through some rough times during high school. These three helped pull me through. They're the reason I have a future to look forward to. I'll be eternally grateful for that. Which is why it'll be forever inscribed on my back.

To these three I have this to say:
Forgive me for the disappointments.
I'm only human.
I'll love you always.

wishes

I wish I were strong enough to approach everyone I've ever disappointed and say I'm sorry. I'm so incredibly sorry. I mean it. Can't you tell I mean it?

I know I've always fallen short. And I know I've lied. And I know I've been selfish. But damn it I'm sorry. I really am.

The Peanut Gallery.....

needs to wake up and speak up. Feedback on my life that I'm pouring out here for your eyes would be greatly appreciated.

It's not easy, but nothing's supposed to be

I watched tonight's episode of True Life. It was about self-harm. They followed the standard format and had three people up there. One pulled her hair and the other two were cutters. On was strictly a cutter and the other one also chemically burned her skin. The hair puller was hard to watch because it made me think of how Mom's missing most of her hair because of the whole fiasco that went down the night of senior banquet. Lots of times in life bad things happen. And there's nothing you can do about it but deal. When I look back over my life, I'm surprised I can get up and smile anyday. It's a miracle I don't self harm anymore. It also has a lot to do with people in my life. There's some talks that need to be had.

I'm using this time that Andrew's out on det to reconnect with other people and get caught up on a lot of loose ends. It's been good.

Make the screams stop

You know, I've been walking this earth for seventeen years. I'm not sure I've learned and retained as much as I could have. Anxiety is a very shitty thing to have to deal with. So is mental anguish.

I feel disappointed right now. Disappointed that I still haven't proven myself after all of this time. I'm not sure I ever will. That's a big thing to just sit and look at. It's like a wall. It's defeat. To just admit that no matter what you do you're going to fail.

I just hate everything right now. Everything. It's frustrating. My feelings are hurt to say the least. I know this is very cryptic but maybe I'll come back and expand it later and fill in the missing pieces. Maybe not. Probably not. Because I know what I'm going through and that's eventually all that matters. Friends are pointless as I continue to learn over and over again.

Stars
Your Ex-lover Is Dead
God that was strange to see you again
Introduced by a friend of a friend
Smiled and said 'yes I think we've met before'
In that instant it started to pour,
Captured a taxi despite all the rain
We drove in silence across pont champlain
And all of the time you thought I was sad
I was trying to remember your name...

This scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin
Tried to reach deep but you couldn't get in
Now you're outside me
You see all the beauty
Repent all your sin

It's nothing but time and a face that you lose
I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose
[ Lyrics found on http://www.metrolyrics.com ]

I'll write you a postcard
I'll send you the news
From a house down the road from real love...

Live through this, and you won't look back...
Live through this, and you won't look back...
Live through this, and you won't look back...

There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave
You were what I wanted
I gave what I gave
I'm not sorry I met you
I'm not sorry it's over
I'm not sorry there's nothing to say

I'm not sorry there's nothing to say...

It's events like those of the past week that make me feel like I'm not worth anyone's trust, or anyone's love, or anyone's respect. They make me feel like I'm not worth anything.

Discontent

I can't wait to move away. Hell I can't wait until I turn 18. A lot of things are going to be opened to me. And I'm gonna love it. I guess. I don't know. I just want to be left alone lately. And it's not even really that I'm struggling something. I'm just sick of faking it. I'm not happy with my life. Or any of the people in it really. I don't really like either of my employers, I'm sick of my parents wanting to control me and putting down all of my thoughts, ideas, and dreams. All my friends are fake. They use me. Every last single one. And I let it be that way because I feel like I don't deserve any better. And I guess I really don't. I don't know. I'm not sure I give a damn.

I'm a whore. Plain and simple. I can sorta see how the rest of my life is going to pan out. Go to college. Make some decent friends. Have kids. Be successful at my job. Die. It really doesn't seem that bad. And besides that's all I'm really supposed to have anyway. Some people aren't supposed to have relationships and closeness. I'm not sure why the media and society is constantly perpetuating the idea that everyone has to be paired off to be ok. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so cheap and easy to take advantage of.

When I said I'm through, basically I'm through with you

Yes you. All of you. I'm struggling and instead of doing it under the pretense of being alone, I'm going to actually be alone. No more of this unreachable people bullshit. Fuck that. Call or im if you like, I doubt I'll answer. Comments here are appreciated, they always have been, but don't expect me to take your outreached hand and crawl out of the darkness into the light. Fuck that and fuck you.

I'm done. With all of it.

A Run-Down of My Weekend

Friday

• Came home after getting my paycheck. I did that right after school.
  
• Took Dad to Office Max and 7-11.
  
• Time is now 7pm. I head out to Oceana figuring I'd check on Andrew while waiting to see Josh since Josh hadn't called me yet.
• 7:20pm-Get to Andrew's. He's happy to see me, I'm happy to see him, we have missed each other greatly.
  
• 7:55pm??-Me and Andrew get busy.
  
• 9:30pm-I call Josh and leave one last message and say screw it and him. Andrew asked me to sleep over and I agree.

Saturday

• Much fun ensues as Tim comes over and there is much drinking and laughing and DDR.
  
• 1:20am-We have kicked Tim out and are having sex again.
• 2:20am-We've taken a shower, I have borrowed clothes from various people and now I am sleeping. Andrew joins me sometime in the night.
  
• 7:00am-The alarm goes off and we ignore it.
• 8:36am- I see the clock and scramble to get going to Saturday school which starts at nine. In Chesapeake.
• 9:15am-Get to Saturday School in Tim's pants and Drew's shirt and lie about having car trouble so I can get into Saturday school.
  
• 12:00pm-Get out of Saturday school, run to go get gas, drop off Dad's parking pass at the Tricare clinic, and head to the house to change into my work pants.
  
• 1:15pm-Get to Girl Scouts in Norfolk, get Taylor signed up with my troop
  
• 3:00pm-Leave there and go to work.
• 7:00pm-Get off work and go home
• 9:00pm-Head to Kat's to babysit and spend the night.

Sunday

• I basically stayed at Kat's until about 4pm. Then Dion came over and took me to the mall so I could show him his tux for my prom.
  

I was busy this weekend.

And I always thought we'd be together in the end

First off I'd just like to say that speaking up is hard. I'm really trying to do it. And it's scary. You don't want to offend people but you're tired of being walked on. Of holding it in. So you speak up. And speak out. And live life. It's great for me really. But it's not easy. Don't act like it is.



I'm getting ready to graduate soon. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. I'm still holding a little bit of the sad over from the last post. When I envisioned my senior year I envisioned things a lot different. I wasn't single, I'd found a group of people to fit into and hang out with. I hung out all the time with my best buds Alyssa and Holly. Life was great. Life didn't end up that way. I barely talk to Holly or Alyssa anymore. I can't really stand it when I do. We've all changed so much. They don't have time for me. I'm a last resort friend. And to be honest, I really don't like the people they are now. I've never been one to hang out with people that stab others in the back and used them cause I hate that. And that's sort of who they are now. I know people and shit changes more than anyone, I'm a Navy brat. But still, I didn't really see this coming. It makes me sad for those happy middle school girls we all were once. They're both in some pain and I can't say I feel bad for them. Well I do but I don't. I'm sorry they're in pain, but they've earned it. The Universe gives what it gets. some of the shit they've done to their parents and Anna and Jessie is just...messed up. Maybe I'm naive for expecting the world to be fair. I just think of what should have/could have/would have been and it saddens me. I thought I'd be graduating with my girls. We're graduating this year, but we're not really girls anymore. I miss that.


I miss Stephen. And I miss Andrew. I love those guys. I want them at my graduation. I wouldn't be alive to graduate without those two. But we don't talk at all anymore and I know a large part of that is my fault. I'm really difficult. But damn. You're not supposed to give on people the way yall gave up on me. I know I got trying. And I know you had stuff going on with yourselves. But when you got that straight, I still needed help. Steve, I'm not as smart as you. Andrew, I don't really have the inner strength you do. Yall knew that coming in. I guess you just figured you weren't doing any good so why bother. You both did so much good. I'm not gonna lie and say I don't think yall didn't ever fuck up. Females get in the way of things sometimes. That's all I'm going to say. Actually it's not. Melissa can be a brat but she's relatively decent. She really needs to let go of that drive she has to pitch a fit when she can't get her way. If someone needs their space, they're not going to NOT need it just cause you stomp your foot. And Andrew, you have to learn to stop trying to tell females what to do. It never works and you just end up pissed off. Skip the anger and the headache. Stephen, Caroline manipulated you and that hurt you. I know that. I could tell while it was happening how it chipped away at your self-esteem and your hope. You got out of that and I'm proud. But this new chick.....I'm just worried you're loosening up too fast. You're not like a lot of people our age. You have morals. I don't want you to lose your identity in someone else again. Because you weren't happy. I see you getting more and more apathetic and not caring about things you used....some of those things you used to care about are still important. Just because you got to the point where you associated some good things with a bad person doesn't mean the things are bad. I ask the Universe to help you see the difference. Despite everything that's happened and everything that's been said, I still love yall. I always will. In slightly different ways but love is love. I miss you two.


I'm done now. That took a lot out of me. My phone never rings. People with my number should call.

So I'm lying here crying...

The past can be a hurtful thing. Not mean hurtful but sad. The past can be so so sad.

I had a blog on Blogger before, but due to certain people getting involved in things I hid it and just stopped writing there. I wrote a companion blog to it with backstory on some of the important folks in my life. My writing before my dad's stroke and after is so completely different. I hate to think that I'm the kind of person that lets every little life change turn her for the worse. Anyway I went and read the companion blog and it's just sad how there are some great people who are no longer in my life now. And some of those people have hurt me so bad. And some of those others, well I've just fucked up those relationships beyond compare. I hate that.

I'm dumb

I just finished reading a blog about my friends that I wrote before Daddy had the stroke/heart attack. I'm so different. And I go back and read things I wrote before the Jason thing and I'm different yet again. Life keeps happening and it keeps changing me for the worse and I hate it. However I don't have time to wallow in bed, I have to go to work depressed.

By the way, I might be a bad person, but I'm a firm believer in getting out of the universe what you put in. You can only fuck your friends over so many times before you catch it in the teeth.

So Busy I could be a Bee

It's the end of the quarter, I have an EKG Monday, I was at the hospital all day yesterday, there's PRIDE stuff and friend stuff and I am swamped.

A Mr. Magoo moment

I was supposed to call someone about doing something this weekend. I'm not sure what. I really honestly can't remember. It was something I wanted to do though. I hope whoever it wasn't doesn't hate me for not calling. Oh well. I can't remember. No use bitchin' about it.

I'm not so surprised

I didn't make the step team. Go figure. But it's okay. I tried out because I wanted to try a new thing. I wasn't laid out in the nurse's office crying over it. That's a bit much. I've worn shades to school for the past two days to combat a migraine headache that has been my buddy since Sunday. People crack jokes, but then again people are always laughing at me so no surprise there. None at all.

No one calls me anymore. I'm lonely. Yes I spend a lot of time doing homework or working or doing extracurriculars but I feel like I'm just drifting along in a sea of people by myself. And it would be nice if someone could email me for a change. Or when they talk to me, not make it seem as if I'm a last thought. I miss those days of falling asleep on the phone with someone because they cared enough to talk to me at two in the morning when I was feeling bad and couldn't sleep. I miss feeling like people actually like me.

Someone recently exposed the stupidity of not going to the doctor since last November to me. All I can say is I have no time so either make my dad well and go work a shift at Sonic for me so I can breathe or shut the fuck up about it. Shutting the fuck up seems to be the least expensive bet.

I've learned something about myself

I have no patience for people that complain excessively. Or those that make wrong decisions on purpose to overdramatize their situation.

None. Whatsoever.

Too bad that's the only kind of people I deal with.

It's almost the end of the second week of school. I'm tired. I'm achy. I need one of those nice, slow back rubs that I seem to be great at giving but not receiving. I hear they're great. Maybe they aren't as great though and I just don't know it cause I've never gotten one. Who knows. I feel like crap. I need some TLC. From someone else. A massage, cuddling, and then a nap. That's what I need and that's what I want.

Any offers? Feel free to contact me. Hell feel free to do anything that lets me know someone besides me reads this. Fake names are ok if I can tell who you are underneath them. Even if I can't they're okay.

The Outcomes of the Cards and Labels

So I mailed friendship cards to Stever and HIM. Sure I could have called and told Stever that yes someone does in fact care and I could have called HIM and apologized and begged forgiveness. But sometimes cards just say shit better. I guess HE liked what the card said cause HE called me. Of course my shitty job made me miss his call but that's neither here nor there. Actually it's everywhere. I'm still ticked off about it.

I was looking at my list of labels. I have it organized not by alphabet but by the number of times people get a mention. Underneath depression, friends and my self-image is HIM. We have this huge blow ups and arguements and still HE's important to me. That's some feaky shit.

So..

1. Papa went to the ER tonight because of his leg still hurting from when I caused him to fall Tuesday before school.
2. Being in the heat during Girl Scouts and my car when I got a flat and then being in the cold of Sonic has cause my allergic reaction to turn into a cold.
3. I want to sleep while being held.
4. I can't think straight.
   
5. often wonder if there's any point in telling anyone anything anymore.
6. That's a lot of anys.
7. HE called around nine and I was working until ten tonight so I missed HIS call by like an hour.
8. I'm mad as hell that I missed HIS call.
9. I'm actually mad as fuck.
   
10. I don't like people(friends).
11. I'm not that fond of people in general.
12. I hate my job.
13. I'm too lazy to find another one.
14. I'm too lazy to find a better paying one.
    
15. I'm just lazy.
16. Any problems of anyone I know are my fault apparently.
    

ick part deux

I'm allergic to cigarette smoke. But because I hate for people to not LOVE me, I have let someone smoke in my car. And he's been a shithead about holding/funneling the smoke out of the window. So my throat is swollen. Not because of any virus but because I'm having an allergic reaction. boo.

First football game of the season tonight. We won. Beat up Hampton. My baby brother started. Number 62. I hate him but I'm proud of him.

Dinner afterwards with Becca, Courtney, and China was FUN, FUN, FUN.

Faces

I'm watching a Degrassi marathon on the N. I love this show. It's full of drama and cool stuff and it's just great.
One of the characters, Jay, looks like HIM. Jay was being a really good friend to Alex after her and Paige broke up and it made me miss HIM. A lot. He and I had a a falling out. He basically took in the past couple of weeks of events (from the father freak out about PRIDE onward) and called my family dysfunctional. So I told him to go fuck himself. It's like our umpteenth blowup of the year. We haven't talked since. I miss HIM. I could call, but I'll be damned if I cave first. I just needed him to be my friend. Not put me down and make me feel like shit.

I'm tired of wondering where I stand on certain things so I'm just going to stop thinking about it. Them. You know what I mean.

Change is on the horizon and I'm not sure I'm ready. I know I'm not. I don't like change. Especially if I'm not sure what it means for me and where I stand in all of this.