Friday, September 29, 2006

I'm not gonna lie

I'm lonely. And I want comments. Even if it just says I read this shit and your life too pathetic to waste a coherent thought on then that's fine.

But comment.

I'm not so surprised

I didn't make the step team. Go figure. But it's okay. I tried out because I wanted to try a new thing. I wasn't laid out in the nurse's office crying over it. That's a bit much. I've worn shades to school for the past two days to combat a migraine headache that has been my buddy since Sunday. People crack jokes, but then again people are always laughing at me so no surprise there. None at all.

No one calls me anymore. I'm lonely. Yes I spend a lot of time doing homework or working or doing extracurriculars but I feel like I'm just drifting along in a sea of people by myself. And it would be nice if someone could email me for a change. Or when they talk to me, not make it seem as if I'm a last thought. I miss those days of falling asleep on the phone with someone because they cared enough to talk to me at two in the morning when I was feeling bad and couldn't sleep. I miss feeling like people actually like me.

Someone recently exposed the stupidity of not going to the doctor since last November to me. All I can say is I have no time so either make my dad well and go work a shift at Sonic for me so I can breathe or shut the fuck up about it. Shutting the fuck up seems to be the least expensive bet.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Scott called me at one am this morning...

to tell me he picked up a prostitute on accident.

Only Scott. Only at 1 in the morning.

Somedays I wish people liked me

There are some people who are the "flowers" of their group.THey are always pitied and people rush to help them out. There are times where I wish I was one of those people.

However, I fear I'm destined to be one of those people who are always used for whatever they are good for at the moment and then tossed aside like so much trash. I wish I was more upset about it. I wish I was a little happier. But I'm neither. I'm just me.

Unloved, fat, lonely me.

Sunday, September 24, 2006


If one more person tells me how to feel or how I am feeling, or what I'm thinking or anything else I am the absolute authority on, I'm going to slit their throat and drink from their neck.
That's a promise.

I have a date tomorrow? today? Sunday night. With a find. I'm quite excited. He's hot. And very open to what I want to try to do.

Mix Elton John and Oprah and you have God.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

A slightly more in-depth explanation

the0taku1 (12:51:50 AM): Hey, you there?
RiverGrad07 (12:51:58 AM): yes
the0taku1 (12:55:06 AM): So, read the blog.
the0taku1 (12:55:10 AM): What exactly do you want?
the0taku1 (12:55:20 AM): I mean, it seems to be pretty well laid out in there.
the0taku1 (12:55:30 AM): But, I'm asking if you have any specifics.
RiverGrad07 (12:55:57 AM): what do you mean by specifics?
the0taku1 (12:56:10 AM): I dunno.
the0taku1 (12:56:15 AM): lol That's why I'm asking.
the0taku1 (12:56:17 AM): I mean.
the0taku1 (12:56:48 AM): Honestly, would I have a chance? I'm not sure what you're exactly looking for.
RiverGrad07 (12:57:07 AM): specifics:type of guy physically
the0taku1 (12:57:18 AM): But I apparently can't do things right since I've been put down so much before that I'd like to know ahead of time exactly what someone would like.
the0taku1 (12:57:20 AM): I guess.
RiverGrad07 (12:57:22 AM): specifics: what i want out of the relationship
RiverGrad07 (12:57:27 AM): what kind of specifics
the0taku1 (12:57:33 AM): Both I guess.
RiverGrad07 (1:01:17 AM): you're calling me on my shit at 1 in the morning
RiverGrad07 (1:01:31 AM): ^that's all the disclaimer you're going to get
the0taku1 (1:02:34 AM): lol.
the0taku1 (1:03:09 AM): Touché
RiverGrad07 (1:03:09 AM): Relationship wise what i want is someone that can serve me
the0taku1 (1:03:14 AM): Okay.
RiverGrad07 (1:03:28 AM): and then when i need it take care of me completely
RiverGrad07 (1:03:44 AM): sometimes with all the shit i deal with it just boggles my mind to make simple decisions
RiverGrad07 (1:03:53 AM): someone that can do that for me would be great
RiverGrad07 (1:04:00 AM): but only when i need it
RiverGrad07 (1:04:34 AM): as far as me being in the dom role, i want the kind of person i can guide into doing the right thing and serving me
RiverGrad07 (1:05:04 AM): someone whose whole world is brightened by the change to do something for me
RiverGrad07 (1:06:53 AM): someone that if i'm in the dom seat will look to me for permission before taking a drink from someone or something small like that
RiverGrad07 (1:07:28 AM): someone that wouldn't mind going through a cuffing or collaring ceremony for me
RiverGrad07 (1:08:35 AM): (there are lots of cuffs like look like fashionable bracelets masculine and feminine. But they have a clasp that's difficult to open on your own or a discreet lock. so you can take your D/s relationship)
RiverGrad07 (1:09:02 AM): someone that's craving to feel bound to me in that way
RiverGrad07 (1:09:29 AM): you can interject anytime, feel free
RiverGrad07 (1:13:26 AM): To answer your question honestly, no I don't think you have a chance. It's not you.
RiverGrad07 (1:15:15 AM): You just don't seem to be the kind of person into this kind of thing
RiverGrad07 (1:15:29 AM): You might be disgusted but type something so I know you're alive
the0taku1 (1:18:17 AM): Sorry, fell out for a second there.
RiverGrad07 (1:18:30 AM): ah
RiverGrad07 (1:18:45 AM): allow me to let you catch up on what I typed then
the0taku1 (1:18:51 AM): Oh I got it.
the0taku1 (1:19:02 AM): I read really quick lol.
the0taku1 (1:19:26 AM): But, if you don't think so then I guess that's that.
RiverGrad07 (1:19:42 AM): It just doesn't seem like something you'd be comfortable with
RiverGrad07 (1:20:04 AM): i think i remember you said something about your ex being controlling and you not liking it
RiverGrad07 (1:20:36 AM): a big part of D/s is the fact that the sub is submitting and relenquishing control
RiverGrad07 (1:20:54 AM): it's not about taking that control.
the0taku1 (1:22:12 AM): Well it wasn't so much that, it was just that there wasn't any kind of explanation on her part.
the0taku1 (1:22:21 AM): I never knew what exactly it was that she wanted.
the0taku1 (1:22:52 AM): If she wanted something like what you're saying (which is what it seems like looking back) then I would have been fine with it (I'd think) if I had just known in advance what was going on.
the0taku1 (1:23:07 AM): It was also a maturity issue with her though.
the0taku1 (1:23:26 AM): She had a kind of still high school "hey I want to be a princess" kind of air about her sometimes.
the0taku1 (1:23:47 AM): And that didn't come out till near the end, and as I'm sure you've picked up, I can't fucking stand that.
the0taku1 (1:23:52 AM): The preppy kind anyway.
the0taku1 (1:24:14 AM): What you're saying wouldn't seem that bad, just if like I said, I knew what was expected.
RiverGrad07 (1:25:01 AM): hindsight's a bitch
the0taku1 (1:26:36 AM): Yep.
the0taku1 (1:26:38 AM): But anyway.
the0taku1 (1:26:45 AM): I guess I should get to sleep, again lol.
the0taku1 (1:26:52 AM): See you.
RiverGrad07 (1:27:18 AM): night
the0taku1 (1:27:20 AM): Night.
the0taku1 signed off at 1:27:48 AM.

I guess what I'm saying is I want to be worthy of someone's trust and respect. I want a loving relationship. I don't want secrets.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006


I feel all panicky. Like the slightest thing could send my heart racing. I'm not sure if it's because of my mounting loneliness and dissatisfaction with the status quo or the diet pills I started taking again. But my chest really hurts and so does my stomach. Not to mention I just feel jumpy and uncomfortable.

Something wicked this way comes...

I want...

a relationship. Preferrably a D/s one. It'd be pure bliss if I could find one with someone that switches.

I like being taken care of, but I also like to take care of others. I'm not sure how to explain how I feel about it. I just know that it's important to me to be in control in the next relationship I'm in. Because I don't want to suffer through heartbreak again. Control is something I thrive off of. But I also thrive from giving that control up. Which is why I think a relationship with a switch might be something to look into. I do know I'm tired of being lonely.

I miss taking care of someone. Hearing the little things about someone's day. I don't want to rush into something and get hurt again though. That's the only thing.

Monday, September 18, 2006


The madness, the sadness, and the anxiety are steadily ramping up to create a cacophony of delirium causing noise.

I am slowly going mad.

I'm wide awake, have homework undone I had all weekend to do that I just couldn't get motivated for. I'm growing more suicidal by the minute and there is no end in sight. I'm not sure I can breath. I feel fat and have decided to give food up all together. Jesus Christ I just want someone to put me first.

Things always work out

I got all my stuff done for my pictures unsure how I was going to pay for it. Then I get asked to babysit six kids and I get sixty bucks. (Saturday) I hop at Sonic and come home with tips. And worked a great shift. Yes Krystal was managing but Courtney was there and so was Naudia, Jamel, Chris, and Jack. I laughed, I swore, I flirted, and went home somewhat on time.

I'm still achy but not so tired. I have a new wheel on my car so I feel a bit more at peace. I could use that massage but I don't know anyone that gives one. I'm at a place in my life where I'm dumping the shit. Because I'm tired and I have better ways to expend my energy. I really just want to be taken care of. I'm tired.

Friday, September 15, 2006

Take care of me for a change

I need money.
I don't have it.
I suppose I'm overly generous when I can't afford to be. And I can't seem to control my spending. I'm eating out all of the time when I don't absolutely have to. Why this is I don't know. But I'm just going to sit tight because something always comes through for me when I least expect it. Although I doubt it will happen now.
My check is small because I didn't work the first week of school. So my whole check is going to hair and nails for my senior pics. Because I honestly don't see the point of spending money to take the pictures if I look like shit. Well, sloppy shit. No matter what I do I'm going to look like shit regardless. But I'd like to look like well put together shit.
Fuck it whatever. I just need about 50 dollars to save my ass so I can pull everything together. And I don't have it and I know I'm not going to get it. Because I rarely get anything.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

I've learned something about myself

I have no patience for people that complain excessively. Or those that make wrong decisions on purpose to overdramatize their situation.

None. Whatsoever.

Too bad that's the only kind of people I deal with.

It's almost the end of the second week of school. I'm tired. I'm achy. I need one of those nice, slow back rubs that I seem to be great at giving but not receiving. I hear they're great. Maybe they aren't as great though and I just don't know it cause I've never gotten one. Who knows. I feel like crap. I need some TLC. From someone else. A massage, cuddling, and then a nap. That's what I need and that's what I want.

Any offers? Feel free to contact me. Hell feel free to do anything that lets me know someone besides me reads this. Fake names are ok if I can tell who you are underneath them. Even if I can't they're okay.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

No Sick Day

I was sick today. I went to school. I slept and slept. And hacked and wheezed and felt like crud. But I was in school. Why you ask? So I could go to my extracirrculars. I went and for what? People talked at both of them the whole time. The entire time. It was fuckin' ridiculous. Truly. But it was still fun. I mean after all how can it not be? It's SCA and PRIDE. They're always fun. Except for days like today where you go to Chick-Fil-A with PRIDE kids after practice and lock your keys in the car. And find this out after everyone leaves and they're closing Chick-Fil-A down. That just sucks.

Only in my house

Last night. Or Monday morning to be as accurate as possible. It was around one am. I'd been upstairs looking for a flash drive so I could set up the new wireless network since I can't seem to find all the right codes to access the one we have here. Plus I figure if I set it up then I'll just know everything and can get everyone on track. We have two desktops and two laptops, it'd be nice if everyone could get online at the same time. Anyway, I come downstairs after doing that to just hack into my neighbor's wireless and show some love to my new laptop, which I'm on, and my mother is in the kitchen. She is making (and drinking) mimosas. At one in the morning.

Only at my house. Only at my house.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

The Outcomes of the Cards and Labels

So I mailed friendship cards to Stever and HIM. Sure I could have called and told Stever that yes someone does in fact care and I could have called HIM and apologized and begged forgiveness. But sometimes cards just say shit better. I guess HE liked what the card said cause HE called me. Of course my shitty job made me miss his call but that's neither here nor there. Actually it's everywhere. I'm still ticked off about it.

I was looking at my list of labels. I have it organized not by alphabet but by the number of times people get a mention. Underneath depression, friends and my self-image is HIM. We have this huge blow ups and arguements and still HE's important to me. That's some feaky shit.


  1. Papa went to the ER tonight because of his leg still hurting from when I caused him to fall Tuesday before school.
  2. Being in the heat during Girl Scouts and my car when I got a flat and then being in the cold of Sonic has cause my allergic reaction to turn into a cold.
  3. I want to sleep while being held.
  4. I can't think straight.
  5. often wonder if there's any point in telling anyone anything anymore.
  6. That's a lot of anys.
  7. HE called around nine and I was working until ten tonight so I missed HIS call by like an hour.
  8. I'm mad as hell that I missed HIS call.
  9. I'm actually mad as fuck.
  10. I don't like people(friends).
  11. I'm not that fond of people in general.
  12. I hate my job.
  13. I'm too lazy to find another one.
  14. I'm too lazy to find a better paying one.
  15. I'm just lazy.
  16. Any problems of anyone I know are my fault apparently.

Saturday, September 09, 2006

ick part deux

I'm allergic to cigarette smoke. But because I hate for people to not LOVE me, I have let someone smoke in my car. And he's been a shithead about holding/funneling the smoke out of the window. So my throat is swollen. Not because of any virus but because I'm having an allergic reaction. boo.

First football game of the season tonight. We won. Beat up Hampton. My baby brother started. Number 62. I hate him but I'm proud of him.

Dinner afterwards with Becca, Courtney, and China was FUN, FUN, FUN.

Thursday, September 07, 2006


So it's about midnight. I was sleeping but I woke up to take out my contacts. Decided to get up and print off something to take into Government tomorrow. I love our discussions. I could argue politics and the state of the nation with Ben and David all day. Lauren too. I feel teribly. I'm not sure if it's because I'm tired or not. I can't remember eating dinner, but I've been arguing with my brother all evening about why I'm not at his beck and call as far as rides are concerned. (Someone lied to this poor boy and told him that since his sister got her license, he will always have his own personal ride and he will never have to carpool again. How sad.) After a couple of rounds of that, I slept the sleep of the dead and then woke up, so I'm a little disorientated. This all translates into me not being able to remember dinner if I had it. I don't want to eat in case I did because that's extra calories that I don't need. But I am hungry and perhaps a little weak from that. Ooo. Bad wording. I KNOW I'm a little (a lotta) weak. I'm just not sure why. I'm going to lay down before I throw up.

To everyone who's blog I read:
I don't remember most of your links off the top of my head. Once I get my laptop back, I will read up and comment on backposts.

First Week in Review

So there was some minor drama which I will share which will explain why I'm just now blogging and why I'm blogging each day.

Tuesday: The very first day. I looked cute. Pulled together and sophisticated. My father got confused about what time we were supposed to be at school, got agitated and fell. I came home and my laptop screen was destroyed. Magically of course cause he didn't do it and no one else was home. I started off my classes, which this semester are:

  • Anatomy
  • AP Government
  • Freshman Composition 111
  • Probability and Statistics

Not bad classes and not bad teachers. I got wet earlier in the day and was freezing the rest of the day because the ac is on full blast in all the rooms but I managed to stay awake until fourth block. (math) I practically passed out and that was that. Got home and Dad was grumpy but I was just whatever about it. Not the laptop but his attitude. I had one of my own.

Wednesday: Started off right at home was a little late. The deep fryer (one of them anyway) in the cafeteria caught on fire, so thank God I bought a wrap at WaWa for lunch on the way to school. I hate PB&J, which was the alternative since the stove weren't in commission. I stayed awake all day and I got school supplies afterwards. In between the end of class and school supplies at friendly Wal-Mart, I dropped my laptop off to have the screen replaced. My mother paid for it but I'm still displeased as it has to be sent off and is going to take 1-2 weeks minimum to get that screen replaced. I got a pink Tinkerbell backpack and got home at like midnight. Mom and I were silly in Wal-Mart and it was SOOO much fun.

Thursday: Normal day. Had an SCA Homecoming Dance Committee meeting after school which was a pain because I swear the chairperson has set ideas in her head and they don't really work for the kids we have at River. But it's whatever. I mailed off cards that I bought at Wal-Mart yesterday today so we'll see the outcome of them soon. And I'll blog about it.

Monday, September 04, 2006

Moving in a good direction

So I'm looking at schools and with family being the way it is and everything else (money!! or lack thereof) ODU is looking like a pretty good option. It'd be pretty cool if Stever and I ended up going to the same college. Because then we'd share an apartment. And it'd be really cool. And good for the both of us. Like, I can see it. Trying to figure out which mother's house will get graced with our prescence(sp?) for Sunday dinner. Eating breakfast in front of the tv watching music videos. Just being our own kind of two person family. With our significant others tossed in if they exist. We've got each other for friends, so we'll be okay if we're single. But it would just be awesome. I can't wait. Really can't wait. Here's to hoping.


I'm watching a Degrassi marathon on the N. I love this show. It's full of drama and cool stuff and it's just great.
One of the characters, Jay, looks like HIM. Jay was being a really good friend to Alex after her and Paige broke up and it made me miss HIM. A lot. He and I had a a falling out. He basically took in the past couple of weeks of events (from the father freak out about PRIDE onward) and called my family dysfunctional. So I told him to go fuck himself. It's like our umpteenth blowup of the year. We haven't talked since. I miss HIM. I could call, but I'll be damned if I cave first. I just needed him to be my friend. Not put me down and make me feel like shit.

I'm tired of wondering where I stand on certain things so I'm just going to stop thinking about it. Them. You know what I mean.

Change is on the horizon and I'm not sure I'm ready. I know I'm not. I don't like change. Especially if I'm not sure what it means for me and where I stand in all of this.

Sunday, September 03, 2006

I am victorious

So I got my phone.

Every biweekly paycheck for the next two months (that's four checks) I will pay my mother $94 for my insurance. That's like a drop in my check. I also have to start paying for my gas, but I get tips when I work, people like to randomly gift me and I babysit. So it's not going to be that much of an issue. I've got money in the bank, money in my savings, and money in my wallet. Brent and Stella aren't all that bad to sit for. They pay well and they make sure their kids are taken care of. My mom thinks I will run at the drop of a hat. Because she thinks I'm flaky. I like proving her wrong. I'm determined as all motherfuckin' get out. Just not about what she wants me to be. I have my own priorities. Oddly enough, I'm my own person. Imagine that shit.

Saturday, September 02, 2006

Update on the Fast and the phone

I'm still hanging in there!!! I went to 7-11, where's all this tasty fattening food, and I left with nothing but the Slurpee for my dad that I went there for. I was so proud of myself. I started the fast at 1 am, so I'm about 17 hours into it. I'm really really proud of myself. Nothing but water. I didn't get to the gym but I did do some yard work(picked a few weeds and cleaned out my car). So I figure it's ok. I might do some crunches in a little bit.

I worked out something with my mother. I can get the phone I want and stay on the family plan and keep my number if I

  1. pay for the phone itself.
  2. pay for my car insurance.
  3. chart my mileage whenever I take my brother and dad somewhere so she only pays for that gas.
My insurance is paid up for six months because that's the way insurance is paid for. So I have to pay her for insurance that's already been purchased. (Jun-Dec) It's not that bad, it's only $64 a month. I'm going to be at Sonic for a few weeks longer than I thought. But oh well it's all good. The phone I want is not only nifty because of the extras it offers but because it's built for heavy use. Which is what my phone gets.

I have to babysit again tonight. She called today asking me to sit because she forgot she asked me to last night. Wow. A bit trippy much?

Fuck.. my favorite word in the English language.

I forgot to mention I baby-sat last night. (As I write this it is Saturday morning.) Interesting couple. They're new off of Craigslist. Put it like this, if one of them chooses to overuse alcohol and the other one chooses to overuse anti-depressants, that's not my business. So what if they've never heard of dishwashing or sweeping? As long as they pay me I don't care. I'm 32 dollars richer than before. Which is good.

Never a dull moment

So if you read the other bulletin you know what's going on with my phone. Well I was planning on getting another phone when our contract was up anyway but now I need it. My mother is refusing to "allow" me to pay for the phone I want. She says I'm in high school so I don't need a nice phone. (It should be apparent I do because I keep going through them due to heavy use.) However instead of arguing with her I have decided to just get my own phone and my own plan. However, me not being 18 is throwing a wrench in my plans. What I need is either someone to sign for it for me, or someone willing to add me to their plan. I don't want anyone to have to pay any extra charges so if you're in the middle of your plan and it'd be a hassle to add me it's no problem, don't worry about it. Basically it would be in your name but that's it. The bill would be sent to my house and I'd pay for it completely. It would only have to be for a year. (When I go to college, if I go away, I'm going to want to change the number.) I'm trying to go with Alltel.

Even if you can't help me thanks for reading this.


That's a copy of the bulletin/blog I left all over Myspace. If any of my Blogger readers can help me out, feel free to let me know. Just to update you all, my phone won't stay on unless it's plugged up and I can't call out nor can I get calls. I'm ticked about this whole situation. I have to change my number. Unless I can swing an affordable plan with Verizon.
It's one thing after another with my mom. And it will probably always be this way. There's no getting around this and frankly I'm sick of trying. She made me mad enough to walk home today. She also made me mad enough to break my diet and eat a hot dog, a boston creme doughnut, and some personal noodles thing (knock off Ramen). This in addition to the cereal and piece of chicken I had before she came home adds up to me eating practically nothing but carbs all day. So I will be getting up early and going to the gym before I go shopping for school clothing. Really early because I have to come home and shower. Maybe I could shower there and just go shopping. What I can't do is have the Starbucks that I like to have while I cruise the mall or get an Auntie Anne's pretzel since I'll be on a 24 hr fast to compensate for my bad eating habits. Water, Powerade, and sugarless gum. (It helps to have something in my mouth that I can chew.) In other circumstances, I might not have to do this, but I haven't been to the gym since Monday. And that's just no good.

Friday, September 01, 2006

I. Am. Not. Ready.

School is coming.

On Tuesday. And I'm so not ready. Totally not ready. I'm completely overwhelmed. I already feel like I'm inadequate and just not good enough to be around other people. I feel like everyone is thinking "God, we have to put up with HER. Why? What did we do wrong?". I hate these feelings but since there's nothing I can really do about the way people feel about me, I just have to let it go. And feel like shit by myself. Maybe I AM shit. I don't know. I don't particularly care at this point. I'd just like a little inner peace.

Let's not forget along with not being mentally or emotionally ready, I have AP Gov work I STILL have not finished.


If you repeatedly tell yourself (and others around you) something, is it because it's true and you're reassuring yourself of that fact or is it because you're hoping it's true? I hate talking in code, but it's recently come to my attention that sometimes it pays to hold your cards close to your vest. Being overly upfront and honest is not always a great thing. But at times it is. I'd hate to think about what it would mean if I was trying to delude myself into feeling or not feeling something. Because it takes two to tango and I'm pretty sure noone wants to tango with me.

I'm mad hungry. I haven't eaten anything yet. And I'm thinking I should. But food is downstairs and I am not. But thinking that I can sit up here and not eat is stupid. But it's all the way downstairs. I don't know why some part of me feels that if I exercise a whole bunch and barely eat I will lose more weight and people will like me better. Well society says you're a better person if you're thin so I get that. But the whole unhealthy eating and exercising thing I just feel compelled to do. And yes it's delusional. But go figure.

My friend is delusional. And he knows I'm talking about him. But in the interest of being kind, I'll just say that I hope he wakes up and ditches the bitch. Soon. Because she's irksome. And two seconds from getting knocked the fuck out. By yours truly. Cause she's a skanky ho. She does NOT deserve him. At all. Not in the slightest.