It's actually happening

So our move in date is September 6th. It's finally happening. I'm moving out of my parents' home. I'm living on my own for the first time ever. It's......it's scary, it's exciting, it's amazing. I'm really looking forward to it. Mom isn't but then again she doesn't have to. She didn't expect me to move so quickly. Well not move but get things movin' so quickly. I'm ready. I'm in a good place and I'm ready to move away from my parents. The atmosphere in the house is just.....I can't live here anymore. It hurts my heart that that's what it is, but life happens.

This weekend was good. Apparently I got beyond plastered Saturday. And apparently I get violent. I know I like to drunk dial and they wouldn't let me. So maybe that explains some of the behavior. I know I couldn't stand up straight. It was.....wild. Andrew has some bruises. For shame.

Gigantic Leap

I think I took one earlier. Not totally sure. We shall see won't we?


This moving thing is FUCKING crazy. I mean totally insane. Andrew is insane. He's driving me crazy. But he's Andrew and so I'll let it go. I'm such a fuckin' punk bitch.


I know no one will answer this, but could I get a comment or an email if you read and/or suscribe? It doesn't matter if you think I'm mad at you, I still want to know. I'm trying to get an idea of my audience. I'm thinking about writing another blog. I'll fill you all in on the subject matter later.

Jumbled minds

There's Dad stuff and growing up stuff and Andrew stuff and apartment stuff all jumbled around in my head. I'm a touch tired. I want to be able to say what I want to say about all of these different things, but I don't even know how to word things. So I can't write about life matters if I can't even think them out in my head. And that's frustrating. Because I want to be able to think them out. It's not sad, it just is.

I've made a decision concerning Nick. I'd like to talk to him about it first, but I'll discuss it here later. I know some people are looking forward to it. I considered your advice quite heavily people let me tell you. Yall made me think. Although Mama summed it up pretty well. Mama is the shit. Fo' sho.

My worst nightmare

I found a job that allows me to continue my bad sleeping habits. I'm never going to become a functioning member of society. Ever. I'm always going to be crazy, mixed-up, flying by the seat of her pants, insane, scatterbrained Joy.

At least I get laid more than the average normal person. Because they're like 35-40 and married to someone that's either bad in the sack or impossibly for them to love. Or both.

In some small way I'm better than the type of person I aspire to be right? Right. Totally right.

Moving in with Andrew is driving me up a fucking wall. I have entirely too much shit. Why is it SO much damn junk is in my possession? And why do I seem to need it all? Why am I packing up my shit by myself? Why am I always by myself whenever I turn around?


what the fuck is the deal with my damn life???

Ler's scream a little

Blogger's been acting like a hoe with the clap......bitch and non-functioning. So sorry about the space between the posts.


All of this moving stuff is like bogging me down. It's a lot to do by myself. A lot. Eh. I'll manage it somehow.

I miss Andrew. If I have to sleep by myself too many nights in a row, I get to be a cranky bitch. That's sleeping in general though. Like if my mom went to bed at a decent time, I'd sleep in there and be fine.

When I dreamed of moving out of my parents' (Mother's really) house, I imagined two scenarios: 1) Moving in with a gay roommate or 2) With a guy I was seriously in love with that was committed to me. Honestly 2 would only pop up in daydreams. If I was thinking practically, I'd have said number 1. Or maybe moving in with Stephen. And....I'm moving in with Andrew. It's not what I expected out of my life at this point. It's different and that makes it weird. I feel like a Navy wife because I have to pull all of this shit together. By myself. Boo.

I need to sleep I have a shitload of stuff to do over the next two days.

Scott, you are FASCINATING

So I spent the day with Scott and then went to work. It was a lot of fun. I met his new roommate Will who's fucking hilarious. I mean there's funny and then there's FUNNY. And Will is FUNNY. I swear that I know him from somewhere but I just don't know where. And it bugs me.

I talked to Scott about Nick and moving and Andrew and life in general. Scott, you are NOT nice. (Just playing.) But.......wow. Scott you're a funny funny man.

I like days where I laugh AND make money. I just like days like the one I had today.

Holy Shit

I'm so behind in my school work. I CAN NOT afford to fuck up English this semester; it's my last chance. So I'm going to get off of here and just really grind out all of this shit. It's just. Oh God. There's so much to do. Just so much.

Cut and paste from Myspace

This has truly been the longest weekend of my life. It started Thursday. It was such a great day. I got my credit card in the mail, which means that I can cover a lot of needed expenses until my first check comes in. Because I definitely got a job Thursday. So, earlier in the day, I got a call from Andrew asking me to take him back to base (he was at the boat). He called me back to say he got a ride and that he wanted to see a movie. I said ok let me go take my math test and we'll go. So I go take my test despite not being in class the week before for the notes. I think I did well on it. Anyway, I get to base and Andrew's like half asleep. Him and I both get an interesting phone call and then we go. We saw Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer and it was good. Before we left, I said when we get back we'll clean up some and wash some things so you can pack your seabag. Because NOTHING was done. Well Fantastic Four was longer than we expected and it was relatively late when we got back. So it was all like let's eat, throw some clothes in the wash and get up VERY VERY early to pack the seabag. Apparently Andrew had some more interesting phone calls in store for him. No sleepy sleep until 2 am. We sleep. It's hot as fuck so it wasn't good sleep but it was sleep. Then at 3 am, three knuckleheads came busting in through the window. Drinking isn't just for weekends anymore. After we (Andrew, his roommate, and I) clear the drunken idiots out of the room we all try to go back to sleep.

Andrew was supposed to be on the boat at 7:30am. Yeah, he didn't get up until then. Because he was up so late and because the subject matter of the calls earlier in the night were upsetting, he had a HUGE migraine. Like he could barely move. So I got the clothes out of the dryer (some time between the calls and the drunken surprise I put the clothes in the dryer) and folded them while he was in the shower. I figured it would help him wake up. No such luck. So he lied on the bed and "helped" me pack his seabag by telling me how much to pack of what. So we go to the boat. And I go home and shower. And turn around to go get him. Then I go babysit. That house.....wow. Lots of animals. Lots of smelly, not cleaned recently animals. I love pets as much as the next person but I also like cleanliness. Whether or not I go back there to babysit remains to be seen. But then I go back to base and we chill out. The three of us (Drew's roommate Marcus came too) went to the NEX to get stuff like soap and junk for Drew to take out as well as a XBox 360. We then went back to the room and passed out.

Ta-Da!!!!!!!!! It is Satuday. I get up at the ass-crack of dawn and go get Becca. We then go to Wal-Mart to buy me some clothes. Because I showered but put on Friday's clothes because I had nothing else. So I bought two changes of clothes and a bathing suit. We then go and get Drew and just like I suspected he isn't ready. A video game waylaid him. I changed and he got up and we went to Pocahontas Pancakes and Waffles. We laughed and cracked jokes about sausage and pancakes and all manners of things. Then we skated from 11th street to the Neptune statue and back. Then we went swimming in the ocean. The two white people (Becca and Drew) balked at the water being cold while I, the chick with the relaxer, strolled in. We frolicked, we fell, we almost drowned. Becca almost floated away. Then we dug up crabs and played in the sand. Then we went back to base and showered. After that it was off to Cinema Cafe to see Evan Almighty. It was funny. Then we dropped Becca off at her sleepover. We're almost to base and I pull over and heave. My stomach is CHURNING. I felt BAD. I figure ok I'll nap and then get up and drive home. No such luck. My nose was running from sniffing cigarette smoke all weekend and I had the worst post-nasal drip ever. It kept making me gag. And heave. Dry heaves are no fun. So I kept waking up and falling asleep. I didn't fall completely asleep until 1am. By that I'd decided no driving for me.

I woke up at 9am. And I tried to sit up. I promptly fell back down. Too dizzy to see straight. Which made me mad. Because I was going to go to the beach. But I cancelled to go to church. And then I was just stuck laying down trying not to puke. Not fun at all. But I felt a lot better after I sent Andrew to Subway. Well not sent. Persuaded to go is better. Yes that's what I'll say. After all I'm no diva, I don't "command" anything. No matter what anybody says. So after that, there is much cleaning and packing that SHOULD HAVE BEEN DONE FRIDAY!!!!!. *cough* I dropped him off at the pier and then I went to my new job. I had a nice dinner there and then I came home at 9:30pm. I have laundry to do and school work. But I chose to write this instead. And now I'm done. And I'm going to sleep for at least two days straight. In AC. With no drunk people or gamers anywhere. Just me sleeping. It'll be great.


Ok some additional stuff.

• Still no period. But I have a credit card now so we shall see what's what. I really would like to think it's stress from the family shit.
• I'm not doing the live in position because it makes me uncomfortable. That and Andrew needs to move out of the barracks ASAP to start collecting BAH. So he asked and I said yes and we'll be roomies.
• I feel really weird about that.
  

Finally, a turnaround

A great job oppourtunity has come up. It pays 8.10 an hour and can turn into a live in position in August which is when I need to move out.

On the other hand, still no period yet. And no money for a pregnancy test. I have an appointment either the 13th or 16th....but that's a bit long to wait. I've felt like shit lately. The heat is ridiculous. Just straight up awful.

You Don't Know Me

I'm just....gah. I'm going to the club with Austin Howe the evening of my birthday. That and getting my industrial done are the only highlights of my birthday. The industrial is being slightly overshadowed by the fact that my mother is still trying to talk me out of it even though my birthday is on Friday. Less than a week away. It sucks. Everything sucks. I'm so sick of that bitch. Just tired. I am my own person. I will never be exactly who you want me to be. Don't be such a bitch about the fact that I'm a goddamn individual. I don't want to go to graduation. It's a fucking bogus ceremony for everyone else but me. I just want to chill and relax with fun people. I'm so over it. I'm ready to bash out some windows. I'm so fucking close to the edge. I'm ready to fuck somebody up in a serious way. I'm angry and I'm over the bullshit. SO SO SO over the bullshit. Fuck this shit. I have to do a series of things:

• Get a job.
• Get car insurance.
• Get car.
• Move the fuck out.

All of that is going to fall in the place once I get the job. Most jobs come with benefits so there's the health insurance (I didn't list that). With the check comes the place to live and the car and the insurance.

I can't take this anymore.

Things that stress me out

I made a list at work to try and get an idea of what I can change and what I can work on. Here it is. The list is in no particular order. Just how they came to my head.

• Andrew visiting Kelly for a week out of the blue
• prom expenses
• having fun @ prom
• money in general (bills, tuition, gifts)
• keeping my job
• losing weight
• Dad's health
• graduation
• Dad's temper
• my health
• strokes
• Andrew going camping w/ Melissa
• buying a new car
• moving out
• Stephen moving out for the summer
• Becca cutting
• taking summer classes
• passing summer classes
• Dad's spending habits
• Andrew's injuries
• the car I drive now
• health/car insurance
• getting to know Nick
• Devin's wedding in August
• my 18th B-day

It's kinda long.

The mouring bell tolls for this situation

If you have half a brain in your head, then you're well aware that lately I've been mulling over the idea of moving in with Andrew and Erica. It'd just be Erica and I in the home while Andrew's out to sea at the end of this year. I've been really mulling it over, referring with people very close to me and getting their opinions. But I've just really been doing some soul searching. Some deep thinking.

I'm not going to be moving in with Andrew.

A lot of different things led to this decision. But the main thing is the main reason that prompted me to want to do it. Erica. If 1/10 of what Andrew hints at is even remotely accurate (he's very mysterious with details), then that child has been through SO much already. I'd hate for her and I to get attached and then Andrew fall in love with some new chick or fall back in love with Kelly (I honestly think the possibility is there) and then BAM!, I'm out on my ass. I'd hate for her to have to lose another person. I mean she's eight and it seems as if she's been through hell already. That's not fair to her.

It's also not fair to me and the things that make it unfair to her are part of that. Andrew and I aren't dating. Point blank period. No matter how much I want that, no matter how many times I sleep with him, that's the fact of the matter. I have no reason, no right to any place in any home of his. If he falls in love with some girl (it's almost a guarentee; being in a relationship makes him happy and he's all about actively trying to be happy right now) then just because of the person that he is, he's going to want to be with her all the time. He's going to want to move her in. I know him and I know that could be a possibility. My folks are very big on their house not having a revolving door. If I'm going to decide that I can handle a rent payment and bills then that's it. I've made that choice. They want me to understand that it can't be made lightly. While I feel ready to shoulder that responsibility; if Andrew tosses me out to move some girl in, then I'm out on the street because going back home isn't an option for me. I can't risk being homeless because of his libido.

I love that boy. No stratch that. I'm IN love with that boy. I want him to succeed in life and be happy. I want his children to be happy. And I want to be happy. To have a happy life for once. I need to get away from my parents, but getting away from my parents with Andrew isn't an option. Well it is but it's not the right one. Not to mention he's been very wishy-washy about a time frame. If I had chosen to do this, it would affect my whole life. My schooling, my job. If I were to plan my life for this and then he pulls the rug out from under me, then I've got things I might not want that I'm stuck with.

I'd be giving too much, he wouldn't be giving enough, my future would be at the risk of Andrew's libido, and Erica could get hurt in a really bad way.

While the first two bother me in a serious way, the last two are what make me say this is something I shouldn't, can't do.




The first two make me think that maybe Andrew and I are unhealthy for each other.

Oh the possibilities

I hung out with Stephen yesterday. It was a lot of fun. It also raised some questions in my mind. More than I had when I went over there.

We talked a bit about the Andrew situation. If you don't already know, a while back him and I had talked about being roommates. Then both of us sort of backed off of it because he figured it'd be a while before he was able to move out of the barracks and that I should try to move out of my parents' house before that. Well he brought it up again recently but in a slightly different form. He may be getting custody of Erica soon and he of course needs a roommate. But not just for financial reasons. Like I'm sure I've also mentioned, he's going out on a 6 month cruise at the end of September. Guess who he wants taking care of Erica while he's gone? Yep, this little lady right here. Stephen says that he's trying to marry me. If you look at it, we're going to be doing the married person thing without having the actual committment. Which Steve says appeals to the two of us because neither of us are ready for it.

What if he's right? What if Andrew has feelings for me that are close to what I have for him and he just can't come out and say it? The concept that things with him could be as I want them to is mind-boggling. I mean it's just.....wow. Steve's theory adds more to the already bubbling cauldron of thoughts that's brewing in my head. I'm so worried about adding more pain to this little girl's life. She's already been through so so much. And I don't want to break her heart again. And I don't want my heart broken because instead of just losing the love of my life to another woman, I'm losing a daughter too. I'm just really worried about the situation. And I miss Andrew. We have to do some MAJOR talking when he gets back. Major. *le sigh*

What's your thoughts folks?

Hallmark Cards and Doctor Visits

Hallmark has a new collection of cards out for the occasions that are new to our time. Three examples of things you could give cards from this collection for are: someone adopting a new baby, someone reaching a year of sobriety or a new divorcee. While it is interesting that they have created cards for situations such as these, it is even more interesting that people would want to give cards in these situations in the first place. Someone manages to be sober for a year and all you can do is grab a card from Wal-Mart and sign it? What the fuck? That's a bit cheap, emotionally and hell financially speaking.

I went to the doctor Thursday. I was supposed to go on Wednesday but Mom told me the wrong date. So I was there on Thursday. I had to wait an hour to get a standby appointment and it was with a different doctor. I wasn't happy. I have Mom schedule my appointments because if they need further permission to treat, they need her because I'm 17. She didn't show. Talked to someone over the phone. I feel like she's not interested in my life because I'm not living it her way. That's fucked up if you ask me. She's my mom. I want and need her around in the appropiate amount. It's gay that she's pulling back on that because I'm not doing what she wants. I'm still living well. Getting my education. What's her deal? Anyway, I had to have x-rays of my legs. The tech complimented my legs which apparently are long enough to warrant being x-rayed in sections because my whole leg doesn't fit in a screen. Cool.

Discontent

I can't wait to move away. Hell I can't wait until I turn 18. A lot of things are going to be opened to me. And I'm gonna love it. I guess. I don't know. I just want to be left alone lately. And it's not even really that I'm struggling something. I'm just sick of faking it. I'm not happy with my life. Or any of the people in it really. I don't really like either of my employers, I'm sick of my parents wanting to control me and putting down all of my thoughts, ideas, and dreams. All my friends are fake. They use me. Every last single one. And I let it be that way because I feel like I don't deserve any better. And I guess I really don't. I don't know. I'm not sure I give a damn.

I'm a whore. Plain and simple. I can sorta see how the rest of my life is going to pan out. Go to college. Make some decent friends. Have kids. Be successful at my job. Die. It really doesn't seem that bad. And besides that's all I'm really supposed to have anyway. Some people aren't supposed to have relationships and closeness. I'm not sure why the media and society is constantly perpetuating the idea that everyone has to be paired off to be ok. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so cheap and easy to take advantage of.

Peekabo!

So it's been a while since I've been on here to write something. I have been reading the blogs of others, but I've also been very busy. That and my father fucked up the internet at my house. I barely get any internet time. It sucks. But then again lots of things suck. I've been spending a lot of time at Andrew's place so that has something to do with it too. My job at Farm Fresh is sucking right now. I mean really really sucking. I have to find a new one. Let's hope that the job I'm trying to get with FedEx goes through. Cross fingers and all that shit. My head hurts a shit load right now. I mean like someone sharpened a standard sized pipe and stabbed me right above my left eye with it. It hurts so so so damn bad. Today is Valentine's Day. I personally think it's a pointless commercial holiday. I mean totally pointless. But maybe that's just because I never ever get anything and I'm horribly bitter. That probably has a good deal to do with it. I do so much for people and I get shit. Shit as in nothing what so ever. I might be moving out of my house and getting an apartment with Andrew. Well that's not all true. I will most definitely move out of my house. I MIGHT move in with Andrew. That's....interesting and complicated. I'm going to go try to remove my head now because it's bothering me. Actually I'm going to finish the rest of what I needed to do online so I can hurry up and leave Andrew's. Cause that's where I am now. If I could only cast off what offends me.....there'd be no me left. A lot of me and the people around me offend me. Eh whatever.

I haven't been spending a lot of time at home lately as I'm sure you can tell. I'm very unhappy working at Kat's but it's still better than my house and so I chill there a lot. I'm not unhappy because her kids are all that difficult. It's just that I don't get paid enough to do what I do for them. I do a lot of shit. But it's dependable money so I do it. I'm getting to resent the FUCK out of it though. I mean the fuck. Aggravated by like everything. That's what I am at this point. Anywho, my family misses me, the extra driver. Not me, the sister or the daughter. Which is some shit. But I digress. Actually I don't. My headache that I got like ten minutes ago has very quickly progressed into a migraine. Which sucks because I can not drive myself home now. Motherfuckin sonofagoddamnbitch. I wanted to go home. I actually wanted to be at my house for once. That's so rare. And instead I'm stuck here. Nice. Grr. The point of this new paragraph though was that my mother either wants me to spend more time at home and "contribute" more (whatever the fuck that means) or pay storage fees for my shit. HA!! Fuck that. Fuck that in the ass.

maybe i am violent?