Friday, July 28, 2006

And we're back!!!!

I can't believe I didn't mention this the other day, but I messed up my mother's car. I've been without wheels for the past week and I've been dying. Yesterday, I broke down and cried on the way to school. Having no way out on top of friend drama and the typical family stuff, not to mention additional money woes because Mom didn't get paid last week since she turned in her time sheet late and I added a car repair bill to the mix, and I was strung the heck out.

To explain what I did to the car; I pulled the front end straight off the curb. Scrapped off the bottom of the casing on the radiator, which means we had to replace the whole thing since you can't just repair the casing the way they are welded together. On top of that, I cracked the motor mount. So we're talking $2750 in repairs. So I paid to have the muffler fixed on the Mazda so it's driveable. It handles well and that's good. We'll get the crack in the windshield repaired later since it doesn't obscure my vision whilst I drive.

I can get out again and I might go to the beach after work with Amber, a friend from middle school, I've rediscovered in summer school. She's just as cool as she was in middle school. But now, I feel more on par with her. Like I feel good enough to socialize with her again. That's cool.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

As I sit

As I sit here alone, finally, for the first time of the day, I feel stupid.

It is a simple fact of life that nothing is ever quite that simple and that when things go up, they will undoubtable come crashing right back down. It is not only fate, but it's nature. Science. Hard cold fate. To be disputed by nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Oftentimes the people we think of as friends are in reality smart people who know to keep the people they have something against close. If you're jealous of someone and you want to keep them from getting what you want but can't have, what better way than to befriend them and then block their every attempt at happiness "in their best interests"? My head aches, the rest of me aches and I'm miserable. Blech.

Monday, July 24, 2006

The weekend really wasn't my own

I worked everyday this past weekend. For copious amounts of time. I made money which apparently I will need. I'm so sick of being broke. And I'm tired. Very tired. Comment if you want to, I don't really care. Well I do but not enough to bitch about it.

Saturday, July 22, 2006

See Spot. See Spot bitch.

So I'm a little bored this morning. I have work at 2pm. Then Scott's picking me up and we're going to chill for a bit. I'm not going to church tomorrow as I have to work at 1pm. This weekend is probably going to be boring except for chilling with Scott. I'm tired of being bored. I'm tired of wanting to hang out wiht people that aren't worth the time of day much like MY time. Eh whatever.

There's a fake blogger running about. He cuts and pastes entries from wikipedia and makes a blog about them so he can have another place to post ads from Google's Adsense program. Too bad the dumb shit doesn't realize that people have to click on the ad in order for him to get paid. And no I haven't viewed the profile, but I'm sure it's a man. Only a man is that damn irritating. Cocksucker.

My mother is one of those things that you like but hate. I swear it's always her way or it's wrong. Too bad her way is wrong most of the time. She makes me really mad some days. But then they are times when I sit in her lap and watch something on USA and everything seems right with the world.

Friday, July 21, 2006

Come on, cut me some slack

I screw up sometimes. I'm not even going to lie. But I mean really. Am I not human? I am. And I'm ok with that.

Had a minor snafu with the car. I just have to learn to apply more caution to my driving. A little more caution and a little less speed.

I'm writing a story. Do I know the ending already? Yes. I don't really know how I'm going to get there though. But I'm sure I can figure it out. It'll be interesting to journey with this book. I'm going to have to warn myself to cut me some slack though. I tend to be overly critical of myself at times and that's never good. I'm not sure why I'm that way. It could be because I'm always striving to be good enough for someone. I wouldn't have to always do this if I wasn't always attaching my emotions to people that are never going to find me adequate because they don't care about me enough to look for any good. I'm talking about people like "Mary". And a few other people. I'm not important to some folks that are important to me. That shouldn't be but it is. So I'm stuck with what I've got.

It's not all that bad though right? Right. I have a besty that rocks. I'm going to be ok. I don't know when but I will. Hopefully before I croak. Cause that would be fucked up. To find my happy and then die? Ugh.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

It's Simply Meant to Be

What makes us strive for that promotion, or that A, or that hot ride?

Because we don't want to be like the loser on the corner.

However in order to want to be better than the loser on the corner, there has to BE a loser on the corner.

Some of us were meant to be the losers. We help make the world go 'round. If you're one of the losers, no matter how hard you try, you're still a loser. For you to switch things up and be a winner, someone else is going to have to hit some hard times. And while you might hate your lot in life, that's no reason to wish misfortune on some other soul.

I thought of something today as I made my second trip of the day to Harris Teeter. Being a loser isn't a bad thing. You help give the world balance. And while I might not have a brand new car or a hot boyfriend or really cool expensive clothing, I have two good friends. And a license. I do have some fun. Not a whole bunch or even really cool fun. But it's enough and it works for me. While I can't help but wish to be on the other side of the fence of cool and accepted, would I even know what to do with myself if I got what I wanted?

Fuck no.
I'd be crazier than I am now.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Just a little something to keep you going

This post is for my friend who hasn't posted since Friday. She spoke to me today about me not updating.


Friday, July 14, 2006

Friends, Music, and a dab of other things

Given recent events, I've sort of rediscovered some of my friends. I wish some of them would have stayed hidden. But that's neither here nor there. I have the bestest besty in the world. She blows your besty out of the water. Just totally. She's going through a very happy time right now. And while a very small part of me is jealous, a large part of me is relieved that happiness can still happen to normal people and reassured that one day it will grace my presence. I'm reconnecting with my buddy Stephen which is a blessing since he's a calming, sane influence in my life. He's a saint for helping me with my chemistry which isn't easy at all.
I have a stadning lunch date with Holly and I'm going to Temple with Steve next week. I do things now. I can remember when I used to not do things. When I used to sit at home and not do things. And be sad. I'm sad now, but it's in public away from my house.

Music these days suck. The songs are about how to do a dance step. They're dancing instructions. Isn't art supposed to imitate life? Life isn't about dance steps. Whatever happened to love and hate and jealousy and pain? Suicide and adventure? What happened to the quality and depth of people's lives?

The end of my childhood is fast approaching. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I know I need to get my ass off the fence about that though.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Oh my God

I shouldn't say oh MY God, because I have long ceased to believe that one exsists. My life just doesn't led evidence to that conclusion. Call me a hypocrite if you want to. Tell me over and over again about how much you love your Jesus. He's exactly that. YOUR Jesus. Today, well really the past couple of days, have been less than stellar. I'm through being upset over it. Well no I'm not. Or else I wouldn't be writing an angry/disillusioned blog about it. I'm tired. Extremely tired. And about strung out. I want to hang myself. Very few people would care honestly. But I won't because I am in fact a coward. And I'm just too tired to get up the initiative. To everyone that cared enough to call and see how I'm doing, or ask me if I needed to schedule a day/night out, thanks so so much. You guys mean the world. Notice how I'm only talking to like one person. Fuck this. Fuck every last one of you. And fuck hope.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

B is for Bully

I will kick, scream, degrade, fight, and hustle you to get my way. If I truly want something, your wants and feelings are immaterial. You simply just don't matter.

I am a user.

So What?

I'm unhappy.
So What?
I feel like I'm trapped and that there's no way out.
So What?
I don't think I have a snowball's chance in hell of going to a good college.
So What?
I'm so in love it hurts.
So What?
I've made many mistakes.
So What?
He will NEVER love me the way I do him.
So What?
I could die right now and be happy about it.
So What?

So fucking What?

Saturday, July 01, 2006

You keep your platitudes and I'll keep my vodka

Today was my father's first full day home. It was rough. I was stupid. End of story.