Monday, August 27, 2007

I didn't forget

I asked for a scope of the readers I have because I thinking of expanded on a character in a story I posted online and giving the character a blog. But I don't want to bog down the internet with something no one's going to read.

A Survey from Myspace

Finish the sentences:

1. I've come to realize that my ex is: someone I should have ran from when I first met him.

2. I am listening to: coldplay

3. I talk: a lot because silence reminds me of my loneliness

4. I love : no one and nothing and no place at all.

5. I have: no money

7. I lost : my smile

8. I hate it when: i try and i still get knocked down. I'm sick of getting up.

9. Love is : non-existent

10. Marriage is: strange

11. Somewhere: someone's dying and escaping from all sorts of pain

12. I'll always be : ugly on the outside to match the tainted inside

13. I have a crush on: no one

14. The last time I cried was: a while ago. They were angry tears; I was fighting with Drew.

15. My cell phone is : silent. Which is good.

16. When I woke up this morning: I had a cramp from sleeping on the couch.

17. Before I go to sleep at night I: wish for happiness

18. Right now I am thinking about: my pizza being almost ready

19: Babies are: perfect and wonderful

20. I get on myspace: when im bored

21. Today I : laid around unproductively thinking of ways to wash away my thoughts

22. Tonight I will: sleep I hope

23. Tomorrow I will: go to class, come home, go to work, come home

24. I really want to: be blank; just for five minutes

25. The person who's most likely to repost this: i dont know

Sunday, August 26, 2007

The Bottom of the Hole

Life won't let me die. It won't give me the one thing I hope for. Fuck. I'm so tired.

Please

Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out Let me out

Saturday, August 25, 2007

Shakes

I know I'm posting a lot of blogs right now. But I'm a little bored and I know that I'm going through some changes and I want documentation of those changes.


I'm sitting on my couch, trembling from nerves. I'm so strung out. It's crazy. I'm crazy.

It's tough to say, but it must be said

I'm under a significant amount of stress right now. I can sense and feel my life slipping away from me and turning into something I don't even know. I can't....I'm not functioning in the way I want to. My savings account is empty. And I need gas and I know I don't have the money for it. I'm broke and it's depressing because I know that about 70% of my income over the past couple months has gone to things for Andrew. And I just....I don't have anything to show for all of that effort. I'm not gonna lie, this whole apartment thing has me scared and freaked out. Andrew just doesn't seem to do anything for himself. I understand that his main goals are his kids and his bills are his first priorities. I totally get that. I'm with him on that one TOTALLY. What I don't get is how he can't seem to focus on anything else. Why can't he focus on taking care of himself before he sleeps or plays? He gets mad when he brings it up, because he says I remind him of his mother. But he reminds me of my dad when he tells what to do with my life and then does nothing with his own but just sit there and take. I've researched everything that's needed to be looked up and just brought the info to him. Because if I don't then it doesn't get done in a timely fashion. And...it's not just his life anymore. My life is affected by his lack of get up and go. I don't want anything negative on my credit score because of him not getting things set up when they need to be. There are so many things that need to be in place before we can pay rent for September and move in. And he just leaves everything to me.

I just don't have the extra energy to take care of him as well as myself. I'm so lonely. Being depressed and lonely just saps my energy. I mean what's the point of going through all of these motions when there's no one at the end of the day to share all of the stress with or all of the happiness? There's no one to share with. And that just bums me out in such a big way. It's always in the back of my mind. You're working so hard on everything, but what for? It's not appreciated and there's no one to share anything with. What's the point of working so hard if you're lonely?

I want to go back in time......

and slap the shit out of myself. I want to scream at my past self to wake up and realize that everything everyone has ever told you to hope for was a lie. I want to tell my past self that I really am a failure and that the sooner I realize that and stop dreaming the better off I'll be.

Digging through the shit to get to the truth

I was driving in my car today and it just hit me that I barely know who I am anymore. I just know she's someone I don't like. At all. I'm back where I was a few years ago. I HATE myself completely. I just want to erase myself, tear everything up, start over. And I can't because that's not how stuff works. That's saddening.

I was quite the stupid child growing up. All of my thoughts on life and love and how the world is and how things are supposed to be were such fucking bullshit. Such complete fucking bullshit.

Sunday, August 19, 2007

It's actually happening

So our move in date is September 6th. It's finally happening. I'm moving out of my parents' home. I'm living on my own for the first time ever. It's......it's scary, it's exciting, it's amazing. I'm really looking forward to it. Mom isn't but then again she doesn't have to. She didn't expect me to move so quickly. Well not move but get things movin' so quickly. I'm ready. I'm in a good place and I'm ready to move away from my parents. The atmosphere in the house is just.....I can't live here anymore. It hurts my heart that that's what it is, but life happens.

This weekend was good. Apparently I got beyond plastered Saturday. And apparently I get violent. I know I like to drunk dial and they wouldn't let me. So maybe that explains some of the behavior. I know I couldn't stand up straight. It was.....wild. Andrew has some bruises. For shame.

Monday, August 13, 2007

Gigantic Leap

I think I took one earlier. Not totally sure. We shall see won't we?


This moving thing is FUCKING crazy. I mean totally insane. Andrew is insane. He's driving me crazy. But he's Andrew and so I'll let it go. I'm such a fuckin' punk bitch.


I know no one will answer this, but could I get a comment or an email if you read and/or suscribe? It doesn't matter if you think I'm mad at you, I still want to know. I'm trying to get an idea of my audience. I'm thinking about writing another blog. I'll fill you all in on the subject matter later.

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Pressure....

pushing down on me.....

David Bowie and Queen are cool music.

I hate those Truth commercials. He's really ugly. I mean really really ugly. Sorry, I got sidetracked.

Anyway, back to my point. Which I do have. I'm just so pressured and surrounded by everything. Everywhere I turn there is trouble and responsibility and anxiety. There is no refuge. There is no safe haven. I am always consistently surrounded by that which pains me. There is no hope. Only work. Only pain.
I'm watching an old True Life episode. About OCD. It's...I hate watching fucked up people on tv and seeing something about myself in them. I mean really really hate it. Completely detest it.

There is no such thing as love for me. And that sucks because that's all I want out of life. Not money or fame. Just....love. And it's the one thing I'll never have.
Anxiety is a bitch. And it's slowly taking back over my life.