A new guy that I've been talking to lately owns a motorcycle. Even though it was a little colder than preferable, Dustin agreed to give me a ride on it. It was THE coolest thing ever. I mean it. Ever. Completely. I wanted a bike before and now I NEED one. I mean it I need a bike.
What I need is to finish this English assignment.
If you have half a brain in your head, then you're well aware that lately I've been mulling over the idea of moving in with Andrew and Erica. It'd just be Erica and I in the home while Andrew's out to sea at the end of this year. I've been really mulling it over, referring with people very close to me and getting their opinions. But I've just really been doing some soul searching. Some deep thinking.
I'm not going to be moving in with Andrew.
A lot of different things led to this decision. But the main thing is the main reason that prompted me to want to do it. Erica. If 1/10 of what Andrew hints at is even remotely accurate (he's very mysterious with details), then that child has been through SO much already. I'd hate for her and I to get attached and then Andrew fall in love with some new chick or fall back in love with Kelly (I honestly think the possibility is there) and then BAM!, I'm out on my ass. I'd hate for her to have to lose another person. I mean she's eight and it seems as if she's been through hell already. That's not fair to her.
It's also not fair to me and the things that make it unfair to her are part of that. Andrew and I aren't dating. Point blank period. No matter how much I want that, no matter how many times I sleep with him, that's the fact of the matter. I have no reason, no right to any place in any home of his. If he falls in love with some girl (it's almost a guarentee; being in a relationship makes him happy and he's all about actively trying to be happy right now) then just because of the person that he is, he's going to want to be with her all the time. He's going to want to move her in. I know him and I know that could be a possibility. My folks are very big on their house not having a revolving door. If I'm going to decide that I can handle a rent payment and bills then that's it. I've made that choice. They want me to understand that it can't be made lightly. While I feel ready to shoulder that responsibility; if Andrew tosses me out to move some girl in, then I'm out on the street because going back home isn't an option for me. I can't risk being homeless because of his libido.
I love that boy. No stratch that. I'm IN love with that boy. I want him to succeed in life and be happy. I want his children to be happy. And I want to be happy. To have a happy life for once. I need to get away from my parents, but getting away from my parents with Andrew isn't an option. Well it is but it's not the right one. Not to mention he's been very wishy-washy about a time frame. If I had chosen to do this, it would affect my whole life. My schooling, my job. If I were to plan my life for this and then he pulls the rug out from under me, then I've got things I might not want that I'm stuck with.
I'd be giving too much, he wouldn't be giving enough, my future would be at the risk of Andrew's libido, and Erica could get hurt in a really bad way.
While the first two bother me in a serious way, the last two are what make me say this is something I shouldn't, can't do.
The first two make me think that maybe Andrew and I are unhealthy for each other.
I'm missing my friend.
This time apart has allowed me to really examine our friendship and I'm getting the feeling that my black ass is gonna get burned if I let things continue as they have been. No matter how much I care about others, I've gotta cover myself.
I've got goals. Plans. I need to learn to stay true to myself.
Ok, there's a few things I really can't stand and I'm going to get them off my chest. Here goes.
HE has a girlfriend and I feel like she is using Myspace to stalk me. There's only so much you can make private on Myspace. I'm tired of having to cloak everything I type and not being able to be upfront with friends and give honest comments because she might run across it.
I feel I spend a good deal of time waiting for Holly to stab me in the back. I just get this feeling there's something between HIM and Holly going on that I'm missing. He's been online a lot lately. And they always seem to end up talking a lot, about me. And I'll find out about it way later. It never seems to come out how they talk though. I know I seem stupid to be jealous of them communicating when I'm screwing HIM behind HIS girlfriend's back. But back at the beginning, (which seems a helluva lot farther away than it is), when he was completely single and I was actively trying to date him and even when I was sorta dating him, she'd flirt with him horribly. They spent a day together without me because I had responsibilities I choose to uphold and they took pictures of the two of them being close in the backseat of HIS car. It was an outside event so I'm guessing they went in there to sit. That day was pivotal. She told me later that they kissed that day. That hurt so bad. We'd (HIM and I) had made plans to hang out later that day since I couldn't hang out with HIM earlier at the Pagan festival. He didn't answer his phone all that day. HE called later that night and said he felt I was too close and HE was sorry and ectera ectera. It hurt so bad. Especially more when Holly finally fessed up and it became clear that HE didn't truly need space, HE was just more interested in my friend. Why couldn't HE just say that? Why? I don't understand. I'm nothing more than casual sex and an ATM. But more to my point, she stabbed in the back with that one. And she's done it before. She's very quick to take the side of others against me. To put me down. She's quite mean to be truthful. Why we're still friends I don't know. Maybe I just don't feel I deserve better. I know that she's hurt me deeply so many times that I feel like I'm just resting until she does it again. That's pathetic. And it's not how I want to live my life. At all. In addition to the last paragraph, something that's going on with her has also brought this situation to mind. This particular thing came up in class in regards to someone else. Confidentiality came up and I realized if our positions were switched, there's a good chance she'd sell me down the river. She's forever trying to one-up me. And I'm not sure why I take it.
I'm also so sick of school it's not funny. And it's not learning. It's Indian River. I'm ready for bigger and better. Everyone is so childish around me. The inappropiate laughter and the rudeness. The intolerance. It's nerve-racking. Not to mention annoying.
I guess what's got all of this on my mind is the quickly approaching end to my high school career. After all we have semester long classes and I only have classes the first semester. So at the end of January, I'm finished. I'm growing up. I've been sleeping in my mom's bed for the past week cause my sheets need changing and I hate to do it, but I can't do that forever. We were chilling on her bed watching tv and I thought to myself, "The number of times I can sit here and do this are numbered. And they're running out." I'm tired of being unhappy with my life. I'm almost 18 and I'm still unhappy. What is that about? I'm over it.
I'm ready for change. I want to go away and learn something that matters to me. I want friends that are 100% true. I'm growing up and I just can't stand it.
Ok, so I'm trying to get in a few college visits. As far as NYU goes, I need to see if I can contact some friends on mine in DC and see if I can't stay with them and just take the train up. But my school is making some trips to VA colleges so I'll be able to see if I want another backup.
Scott's not moving to New York. I'm not entirely sure how he feels about this since he's not really talking to me. Could be he's doing his withdrawal thing that he does from time to time. Or it could some girl he's met. He seemed excited/apprehensive about it. Like I said, I have no clue how he's feeling or thinking because we don't talk all that much. He is vouching for me with Farm Fresh which I'm grateful for. This whole withdrawal thingy smells entirely too much like the Jason situation. Which I'm not down for AT ALL. I WILL NOT go through that with another friend. Just won't. Not that I want to be all up in his face or whatever. It's just that something seems to be bothering him and I've neither been told no there isn't or yes there is but it's done of your damn business. I don't like being unsure when dealing with people. It ultimately ends up with everyone mad at you cause you fucked up.
Someone is stealing from Sonic. Right now it looks like it's me. I don't steal, but until Glen can get ahold of corporate and confirm that, I'm stuck. Hence the job search. I'm not too sad over it. I hated Sonic. With a passion that burned like me for HIM. Yes, HE found a way to creep into this post. Deal with it. And wish me luck on the new job hunt.
I think it's quite fitting that my 100th post (yes it is the 100th) is about college. Especially since I honestly do have about 100 thoughts in my head racing around about college. I've made a few decisions and finally started applying. (I know, I know. I finally got off my lazy ass. Trust and believe my momma is dancing harder than all yall.) I know I want to work with kids, but I'm not sure exactly how I want to work with them. So I'm applying to a few colleges in big cities and majoring in either Sociology or Child Development/Psychology and then working with children in the area until I'm sure what I wanna do. Then I'd just get into a graduate program for that. The list of lucky schools is as follows.
I'm not as sick of the status quo as I like to think that I am. After all, if I were, I'd like to think I would have changed it by now. So, I guess I'm quite complacent and I just don't know it.
I have been reassured of something recently so that's good I guess. It's good to be aware of stuff. Also it makes it easier to share things with you guys. You three lone people. I haven't met anyone through this particular blog. I do tons of things that should result in stables of new friends and I still end up lonely. Cause apparently I'm a bitch. But if being honest makes me a bitch then I'm not changing for anyone. Cause I enjoy being a bitch. So yeah. Suck it.
There's this cute guy. His name is Brandon. I wasn't upfront with him and so he's not speaking to me. And I'm saddened by this because he was cute and funny and really easy to talk to. I haven't known him very long at all, but based on our few conversations, I really want to get to know him better. And I fucked that up. Much like I fuck up everything else.
I've made an important college decision. I'm going to get an apartment and go straight to work. To allow myself and my mother to save up more money so she can get some bills paid up. We were in no way shape or form prepared for a rainy day such as this. A couple of thousand dollars worth of bills got slammed on my mother from hidden credit cards my father got. So I'm just going to wait.
So I'm looking at schools and with family being the way it is and everything else (money!! or lack thereof) ODU is looking like a pretty good option. It'd be pretty cool if Stever and I ended up going to the same college. Because then we'd share an apartment. And it'd be really cool. And good for the both of us. Like, I can see it. Trying to figure out which mother's house will get graced with our prescence(sp?) for Sunday dinner. Eating breakfast in front of the tv watching music videos. Just being our own kind of two person family. With our significant others tossed in if they exist. We've got each other for friends, so we'll be okay if we're single. But it would just be awesome. I can't wait. Really can't wait. Here's to hoping.
