Holy Shit

I'm so behind in my school work. I CAN NOT afford to fuck up English this semester; it's my last chance. So I'm going to get off of here and just really grind out all of this shit. It's just. Oh God. There's so much to do. Just so much.

You Don't Know Me

I'm just....gah. I'm going to the club with Austin Howe the evening of my birthday. That and getting my industrial done are the only highlights of my birthday. The industrial is being slightly overshadowed by the fact that my mother is still trying to talk me out of it even though my birthday is on Friday. Less than a week away. It sucks. Everything sucks. I'm so sick of that bitch. Just tired. I am my own person. I will never be exactly who you want me to be. Don't be such a bitch about the fact that I'm a goddamn individual. I don't want to go to graduation. It's a fucking bogus ceremony for everyone else but me. I just want to chill and relax with fun people. I'm so over it. I'm ready to bash out some windows. I'm so fucking close to the edge. I'm ready to fuck somebody up in a serious way. I'm angry and I'm over the bullshit. SO SO SO over the bullshit. Fuck this shit. I have to do a series of things:

• Get a job.
• Get car insurance.
• Get car.
• Move the fuck out.

All of that is going to fall in the place once I get the job. Most jobs come with benefits so there's the health insurance (I didn't list that). With the check comes the place to live and the car and the insurance.

I can't take this anymore.

The start of healing?

I went to talk to Andrew today. It was an intense conversation. I still have no idea where I stand, but it's better. I feel like there's some kind of end in sight. I have no clue if it's good, bad or ugly, but I see it. After I talked to him, I was a tad frustrated and needed to just clear my head. So I went driving. Since I got into an accident the last time I drove to clear my head, I picked a destination. There was mad traffic heading to NC so I drove to Richmond. My head wasn't too full; just a tad cluttered. I got a flat and Holly's boyfriend Brian came out to fix it. Which was nice. Very nice. Mom and I talked about me driving to clear my head in the evening and why it's dangerous and I shouldn't do it. And she has a point. There's just something about being able to go that....lifts me. I dunno what it is.

I want some sausage. I'd go to Wal-Mart but I have a donut on my car. I REALLY want some sausage though.

By the way, I figured out what bugs me about Nick and his reactions. It's like he's trying to be perfect. Like he's saying he's better than me since he doesn't get angry at anything and I do. Weird.

Things that stress me out

I made a list at work to try and get an idea of what I can change and what I can work on. Here it is. The list is in no particular order. Just how they came to my head.

• Andrew visiting Kelly for a week out of the blue
• prom expenses
• having fun @ prom
• money in general (bills, tuition, gifts)
• keeping my job
• losing weight
• Dad's health
• graduation
• Dad's temper
• my health
• strokes
• Andrew going camping w/ Melissa
• buying a new car
• moving out
• Stephen moving out for the summer
• Becca cutting
• taking summer classes
• passing summer classes
• Dad's spending habits
• Andrew's injuries
• the car I drive now
• health/car insurance
• getting to know Nick
• Devin's wedding in August
• my 18th B-day

It's kinda long.

I want....

1. a boy who will love me and only me. Who will be satisfied with me just the way I am but rejoice when I get better and be firm and supportive when I backslide. Who's good and unselfish in bed. Who won't tell me how hot he finds other girls because he respects my feelings.
   
2. a father who doesn't yell at me for making the simplest mistakes. Who loves me as I am not as I should be. Who isn't afraid to say I love you.
3. a better looking, better running car.
   
4. a nicer brother.
5. a mother who has more in common with me. Who doesn't think that talking to me is a waste of time.
   
6. better grades.
7. more money.
8. more friends.
   
9. a different high school.
10. things to be the way they used to be about 5 years ago.
    

Damn I want a lot. No wonder I'm always disappointed.

Things always work out

I got all my stuff done for my pictures unsure how I was going to pay for it. Then I get asked to babysit six kids and I get sixty bucks. (Saturday) I hop at Sonic and come home with tips. And worked a great shift. Yes Krystal was managing but Courtney was there and so was Naudia, Jamel, Chris, and Jack. I laughed, I swore, I flirted, and went home somewhat on time.

I'm still achy but not so tired. I have a new wheel on my car so I feel a bit more at peace. I could use that massage but I don't know anyone that gives one. I'm at a place in my life where I'm dumping the shit. Because I'm tired and I have better ways to expend my energy. I really just want to be taken care of. I'm tired.

Cars aren't my friend

So I figured I'd get up, go work out (worked out at Bally's last night for the first time, loved it), and hang out with Scott before he had to go to work.

Not so.

Mom didn't pick up Dad's insulin or test strips yesterday. Funny thing, she forgot to mention that to me. Dad of course starts screaming at me like it's my fault. So I'm getting up scrabbling to get dressed to get his meds and Mom walks in with it like it's no fucking deal. This man has been screaming and ranting and raving for (no lie) 15 minutes straight. I'm fed up beyond belief. Like bust a blood vessel fed up. And she just waltzes in. After that, I take Matt to get his cleat spikes. That he absolutely must have. After driving to Va Beach and back to drop him off, I get to see Scott. Hurray Scott. He made me smile and laugh which is what makes me consider him a friend. We chilled and then we go to leave. He has to work and I have to go home because he has to work. The charge light was on in my car on the way to his house. Lo and behold, it would not start when we were getting ready to leave. Maybe the universe was trying to tell us to hop back into bed. I don't know. Basically, I bitched and cried like a baby and acted like a punk because I HATE feeling like I'm asking people to go out of their way to help me. I'm afraid, deep on the inside that people won't like me because I ask them for things. And secretly, I just wanna be liked. After that, I get home and Dad is fussing and I'm like what the fuck ever dude. I have Mom take me to work because upon further inspection, my battery AND my alternator are/were shit. So I replaced the battery and now have to get the alternator rewired. Fuck and a half. Work was FUCKING SHIT. I'm looking for another job. One that pays well and doesn't drive me to drink. A thought occured to me tonight that I shall share.

The days I get laid are supposed to be golden. Especially when it's not just good, but happy. Sex with Scott is not as casual as I thought. But neither is it relationship, let's talk marriage sex. It's you're my friend that I can confide in and you make me laugh sex. Very good for the spirit. Scott is good people. Very good people. I shall miss him when he leaves. Laughing isn't easy for me you know. And making me laugh just comes naturally to him. Which is pretty cool. He's fairly cool.

I guess that was a couple of thoughts.

And we're back!!!!

I can't believe I didn't mention this the other day, but I messed up my mother's car. I've been without wheels for the past week and I've been dying. Yesterday, I broke down and cried on the way to school. Having no way out on top of friend drama and the typical family stuff, not to mention additional money woes because Mom didn't get paid last week since she turned in her time sheet late and I added a car repair bill to the mix, and I was strung the heck out.

To explain what I did to the car; I pulled the front end straight off the curb. Scrapped off the bottom of the casing on the radiator, which means we had to replace the whole thing since you can't just repair the casing the way they are welded together. On top of that, I cracked the motor mount. So we're talking $2750 in repairs. So I paid to have the muffler fixed on the Mazda so it's driveable. It handles well and that's good. We'll get the crack in the windshield repaired later since it doesn't obscure my vision whilst I drive.

I can get out again and I might go to the beach after work with Amber, a friend from middle school, I've rediscovered in summer school. She's just as cool as she was in middle school. But now, I feel more on par with her. Like I feel good enough to socialize with her again. That's cool.

Come on, cut me some slack

I screw up sometimes. I'm not even going to lie. But I mean really. Am I not human? I am. And I'm ok with that.

Had a minor snafu with the car. I just have to learn to apply more caution to my driving. A little more caution and a little less speed.

I'm writing a story. Do I know the ending already? Yes. I don't really know how I'm going to get there though. But I'm sure I can figure it out. It'll be interesting to journey with this book. I'm going to have to warn myself to cut me some slack though. I tend to be overly critical of myself at times and that's never good. I'm not sure why I'm that way. It could be because I'm always striving to be good enough for someone. I wouldn't have to always do this if I wasn't always attaching my emotions to people that are never going to find me adequate because they don't care about me enough to look for any good. I'm talking about people like "Mary". And a few other people. I'm not important to some folks that are important to me. That shouldn't be but it is. So I'm stuck with what I've got.

It's not all that bad though right? Right. I have a besty that rocks. I'm going to be ok. I don't know when but I will. Hopefully before I croak. Cause that would be fucked up. To find my happy and then die? Ugh.