Things that stress me out

I made a list at work to try and get an idea of what I can change and what I can work on. Here it is. The list is in no particular order. Just how they came to my head.

• Andrew visiting Kelly for a week out of the blue
• prom expenses
• having fun @ prom
• money in general (bills, tuition, gifts)
• keeping my job
• losing weight
• Dad's health
• graduation
• Dad's temper
• my health
• strokes
• Andrew going camping w/ Melissa
• buying a new car
• moving out
• Stephen moving out for the summer
• Becca cutting
• taking summer classes
• passing summer classes
• Dad's spending habits
• Andrew's injuries
• the car I drive now
• health/car insurance
• getting to know Nick
• Devin's wedding in August
• my 18th B-day

It's kinda long.

wishes

I wish I were strong enough to approach everyone I've ever disappointed and say I'm sorry. I'm so incredibly sorry. I mean it. Can't you tell I mean it?

I know I've always fallen short. And I know I've lied. And I know I've been selfish. But damn it I'm sorry. I really am.

I have a million things I could be doing but I have to get this out

Last Saturday I got a reply to a Craigslist ad from a guy named Josh. We've been talking everyday since then. We hung out on Monday and had great sex. I actually felt comfortable enough to laugh about it. Of course now I'm plagued with the worry that all he sees me as is committment free sex. I want a relationship somewhere down the road. A boyfriend. A man. To be someone's number one and their only. Josh picked up on the vibes that I was uncomfortable with what we'd done and he suggested that we not have sex for the next two months. After I got over crying about how happy I was he saw me in his life in the next two months, I was glad about it. I'm still a little uneasy though. Been burned before, not again.

I'm not sure why I had sex with him so soon. S&M would be able to shed some light on this. I mean how long did they know each other before she moved in with him? It's just.....I feel like I've known him for months. And he makes me smile. I've had so little to smile about the past couple of days. My father hasn't had any insulin or even tested his blood sugar since January 3rd. I'm scared to death of coming home and finding that he's dead. On Monday, my brother's birthday, he drove my dad somewhere. Apparently he misunderstood my dad and so my dad punched him in the mouth. My brother almost hit my dad. Since then he's locked himself in his den. I feel so bad. If I hadn't been lazy and I'd dressed when I first woke up that day, I'd have been available to drive Dad. I was in the shower when they left. Once again, I'm not helping avoid these situations. It just makes me feel like shit.

Back to guys. Andrew's single again. And he's hurting. The part of me that was his friend wants so bad to reach out and help him. The part of me that loved him in that way is very much preoccupied with Josh. The part of me that craves fairness is screaming at me to take the chance that I was never really given with him. Josh is amazing. He has this sweet Southern drawl that just makes me melt. He's a really sweet person. But there are some deal breakers with him. He's a heavy smoker. With Andrew and Devin it was ok because they smoked occassionally. And they made sure it'd been a while since they last smoked before they were around me. I'm VERY allergic. It's not life-threatening, but it could be with prolonged exposure. Plus, his family is very religious and religion is a deal breaker. I'm a pagan. I know. Ouch.

I
Am
Confused.

So now is a time for reckoning

I'm single.

I have been for a while. A very long while. Since about August 2005. Any time spent with HIM doesn't really count. Devin was interesting. He was a weird dude. Still sorta is. But he was a good boyfriend. He cared about me deeply. I was worth something to him. He wasn't ashamed of me.

I've been avoiding anyone or anything that closely resembles a real relationship so I can stay available to HIM. He's not available to me though. I have no claims on his heart, his time, or anything.

It's time to stop floating in the wind. Availability is important.

I'm not so surprised

I didn't make the step team. Go figure. But it's okay. I tried out because I wanted to try a new thing. I wasn't laid out in the nurse's office crying over it. That's a bit much. I've worn shades to school for the past two days to combat a migraine headache that has been my buddy since Sunday. People crack jokes, but then again people are always laughing at me so no surprise there. None at all.

No one calls me anymore. I'm lonely. Yes I spend a lot of time doing homework or working or doing extracurriculars but I feel like I'm just drifting along in a sea of people by myself. And it would be nice if someone could email me for a change. Or when they talk to me, not make it seem as if I'm a last thought. I miss those days of falling asleep on the phone with someone because they cared enough to talk to me at two in the morning when I was feeling bad and couldn't sleep. I miss feeling like people actually like me.

Someone recently exposed the stupidity of not going to the doctor since last November to me. All I can say is I have no time so either make my dad well and go work a shift at Sonic for me so I can breathe or shut the fuck up about it. Shutting the fuck up seems to be the least expensive bet.

Letters and Phone Calls

So a few days ago, I wrote letters to Andrew and Devin telling them I couldn't have them in my life anymore. I have no extra energy for one-sided relationships. Not anymore. Ever since Dad got sick, my whole family structure has been rearranged. Nothing's really the same. It never will be again. I need to start looking out for myself. No one else is going to. And it's not their job too. Andrew called me today. The only reason I picked up the phone is because I know he hasn't gotten the letter yet. (I mailed it on a Saturday afternoon and he went home for a visit on Monday.) Across town or not, I know it's sitting there for him to read. I told him about it and said if he had any thoughts about it he could call me when he got home. Didn't want to take the edge off of his happy. We'll see what happens with that. I simply can't wait for the i'm-gonna-kill-myself-now-and-i-love-love-love-you-and-this-doesn't-surprise-me-i'm-the-
fuckup-everyone-always-leaves-that's-why-my-mom-gave-me-up-why-don't-i-just-stab-myself-
would-you-love-me-then? phone call I KNOW I'll get once he gets his letter. He being Devin. Whatever. I can't be concerned with his stuff anymore. If he wants to throw his life away that's his business. I'm not going to let him drag me down alongside him though. I suppose whatever tiny bit of friendship I ever had with Andrew could be salvageable, but can I afford to put that much work into something that hasn't worked yet? I'm tired of caring about someone that can't be bothered to tell me when they have to have their stomach pumped. I don't have the energy. Who knows? We'll see later. Just not now. I have exams to fail. Because I'm stupid. I could study, but discrete math....I'm not passing that shit. Not to sure about the others either.

By the way, tomorrow, I have my road test. My mother at first signed for the school to keep my damn 90 temp license. If she didn't provoke me, I wouldn't do things like get out of the car in traffic and walk down the street. (I've only done it twice.) But we finally agreed on me getting it and bringing it home and giving it to her to hold until the end of the week. But I have to be good from now until then. Gah. I just want to be able to go grab Starbucks or Sonic when I'm enraged. Or something since eating like that will definately make me fat again. My "anger" issues are a side effect of my untreated depression. Which I just don't have the time to treat. I've got a full plate of activities to make up for the slacking I did this year in extracirriculars because of the suspension. It'd be a lot worse if I were drinking heavily like I was before. I'd be running people over with the car instead of getting out of it and walking away from an arguement. Bleh, whatever.

Look at the time........happy motherfucking birthday. I'm grabbing some vodka, I need to fall asleep before 4 in the morning. Or maybe I'll take a vicodin. Or perhaps both. I dunno, I'll figure something out, I need sleep like a hooker needs a douche.

Spector from a not-so distant past

Right now, I'm having a most interesting conversation. It's with Cassie, Devin's ex. Devin is an ex of mine and he's dumb as hell. I stopped caring a while ago about the mess he continues to make of his life. Since all I'm doing in this conversation is explaining to Cassie what I know of his latest screw-ups, one might wonder why I find this conversation interesting.

I may or may not seem hard to people lately, but for the first time ever I sound smart to myself. Better if you will. If being smarter about who you trust and let into your life means that you have to be a little mean, then I guess I've turned into a real bitch. Not that I'm overly bothered by it. I'm actually quite pleased with myself. Sometimes your skin has just gotta be tough. You've gotta be a little hard in order to meet your goals.

determination
ex-boyfriends