Thursday, June 28, 2007

Finally, a turnaround

A great job oppourtunity has come up. It pays 8.10 an hour and can turn into a live in position in August which is when I need to move out.

On the other hand, still no period yet. And no money for a pregnancy test. I have an appointment either the 13th or 16th....but that's a bit long to wait. I've felt like shit lately. The heat is ridiculous. Just straight up awful.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

My third and fourth tattoo

Ok so there's the tattoo that BeccaMarie helped inspire is going to be second. Then I have two others I want to get.

The one I have completely planned out is two cartoon girls; one who's an angel and one who's a devil. They'd just be really fun curvy busty babes. They'd be hugging like you see the bubbly ditzy girls doing in movies and at the club or where ever, and there'd be a snake wrapped around the both of them. That's basically me in a nutshell. Gemini born in the year of the Snake.

The next one......I need a little bit of help with. I want to incorporate a goat along with the drama masks. I'm not sure how to tie them together though. This one is for my dad. There's been a lot of joy and a lot of sorrow in that relationship and I want the tat to reflect that. I figured the goat could represent him because he's a Capricorn. I'm still fiddling with it.

Monday, June 25, 2007

It's always something crazy

Ok, I'll go bit by bit through everything so everyone is all caught up. For what it's worth.

First thing: I'm either 5 days late or I have 4 days to go. The reason I don't know is that I have very light periods because of the Ortho-Evra patch. Which I don't like due to the fact that it can cause heart problems. But anyway, my periods are light. Last month I had 4 days of bleeding and two weeks later I had the same thing. Chemical birth control causes spotting in between. Bah! When I know for sure I'll be on clearer footing. The only bad thing is the fact that I hadn't been on the patch for like three weeks at the time I had sex. I was going to wait for an actual period and then put it on because I'd messed up the timing a few times. Anyway, I hope I get it figured out.

Second thing: I'm sure we all remember the fiasco with my dad. Well we went to court and the judge wanted him to go to anger management. He wouldn't go because he doesn't need it. He's not the problem, I am. Since he's not the problem, him going to anger management does nothing. So he got 60 days in jail. My mother won't really look me in the eye. My brother was like it's not fair something should happen to you too. My own mother won't hug me. It's painful. I'm trying to get my shit together to move out before he gets back. Because I know me being here won't be any good.

Third thing: I'm taking Andrew's ex-girlfriend Melissa to court. She started in with the harassing phone calls right after I got out of the courthouse and I just couldn't take it. It was the same thing as always. I'd be happy if he didn't know you. You're what's wrong with my life. I just couldn't bite my tongue and take pity on her like I'm always expected to do. He's upset with me because this is just going to make her life worse. I'm.....indifferent at this point.

Friday, June 22, 2007

Life is like a blender

Things are constantly being mixed up. Constantly. There is no safe haven. No niche where everything will stay unchanged for the rest of forever. None. I have done a lot of growing up in a short amount of time. I have to do a lot more growing up in an even shorter amount of time. It's a lot but I think I can do it. I have to be able to do it. There's lives at stake that are dependent on me pulling my shit together.

Sunday, June 17, 2007

You may now address me as Madame Graduate

As of Friday, I am a high school graduate. I'm not the first person in my family to graduate nor will I be the last. I didn't graduate with honors. I got through it despite extreme emotional turmoil. A lot of the drama I had to deal with would have killed some people. I've cried more over the past two years than I had in the sixteen years that came before it. It was rough. But I did it.

Rebecca, Tim, Andrew, my two sisters, my little brother, and my parents were there. That's right, my parents. My daddy not only came but he got dressed up. Andrew wore a suit. It was......crazy. I was so happy. And everyone was happy for me.

After graduation, we all went to Olive Garden. My sister and her son (my nephew obviously) are EXTREMELY charismatic and so we all laughed throughout the whole dinner. Everyone was smiling and happy and it was great for me. It made me so happy.

After that, all the family went back to the house and my three friends and I went out to see Ocean's Thirteen. The movie was fun and so are they. And Andrew's new car is gonna be bitchin'. There are so many inside jokes from that day now. And it came out that a lot of things are changing. Tim is partying less and staying focused on his grind. BeccaMarie (inside joke) is so much closer to loving herself and Andrew is happier now. He's so much more like the man I met almost two years ago.

Friday was wonderful.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Explanation of my first tattoo

I turned 18 on the 8th of June. There wasn't a big to-do about it but I was relatively happy with what went down. I took a good look over my childhood. The people that have come and gone. The pain I've gone through. The tears I've shed, the jokes I've told. All of that has been on my mind a lot lately while I've been contemplating my very first tattoo.

I'm getting My Angels at the top of my back and then the initals of the three people that made me happiest during my childhood. Those people are my mom, Andrew, and Stephen. I have their initals done in that order. Momma is on the left because it's closest to my heart. I go back on the 27th to get My Angels put up there along with some cloud work.

To be completely honest and not at all melodramatic, the past two years that I've known Stephen and Andrew have been the happiest of my life. They've also been the saddest. I'm not on completely solid footing with either of them right now, but that doesn't really matter. They, at one time, cared enough to love me even though I didn't love myself. That's a powerful lesson to learn. I went through some rough times during high school. These three helped pull me through. They're the reason I have a future to look forward to. I'll be eternally grateful for that. Which is why it'll be forever inscribed on my back.

To these three I have this to say:
Forgive me for the disappointments.
I'm only human.
I'll love you always.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007


To sum this up in the shortest of paragraphs:

1. Dad bitched a fit.
2. I confessed to Mom I don't want him at my graduation.
3. She said fine then neither of them will go.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

She Knew

My mom has known that I've spent a great deal of my time over at Andrew's place. She also knows that I've spent lots of nights over there. And it's not that big of a deal. Hot damn.

Monday, June 11, 2007


To date, there have been four Indian River kids that have left this earth for a better place.

Maybe that's what's bothering me. I just...I had a bad dream the other night. Drew died and no one told me until it was too late to say goodbye. It's freaking me out in the biggest way and I will feel SO SO SO much better when he comes home and I see him and I can just wrap my arms around him and squeeze. I'll be able to confirm for myself that he's ok and I'll be so much happier.


Growth is a big part of life. So is change. Sometime they're quite scary but what can you do? You can't skip out on life. I went to Harbor Fest Saturday to see the fireworks. I really enjoyed them. Lightning, fireworks.....the sky is an awesome thing to watch. Always. I've grown a little bit. Other people I know have grown quite a bit as well. While it's a tad discomforting because change is different and it's scary, I'm also quite happy. When I went to Harbor Fest I was with Stephen and his girlfriend, her brother and his girlfriend, and her friend and her boyfriend. I've known Stephen for a while. We were EXTREMELY tight. We were both going through some deep shit. We needed each other. We were sounding boards for each other.

Stephen doesn't need me anymore. And I'm glad. I felt a little ignored and not at all liked by any of the other people there. Except for Sara. She seemed pretty chill. The thing is though it was ok. I've never really seen Stephen THAT out of his shell. It was a happy sight. Not that I'm saying he's like socially stunted. That's not it at all. He was just....relaxed and open. Happy. It was nice to see.

My tattoo that I'm getting is going to be quite emotional for me. I'm excited about it. I'm also excited about my second piercing. I'll take pictures of it once the swelling goes down a bit. The industrial is quite sweet I must say. Anyway, next on my list after I gain some employment, is a tongue piercing and a tattoo on my right hip. I won't say what it is yet because I want it to be a bit of a surprise. Rebecca had something to do with it though. She inspired it if you will. I'll let yall think on that for a second.

Friday, June 08, 2007

It's all part of growing up

I didn't get cake or pie or anything. I'm getting up early to get my industrial done because Mom spent a large amount of time on a Matt problem. There's a football camp in the area tomorrow. He's know about it since April. He waited until last night to let my mom know that 1)There's paperwork that needs to be filled out for this camp and 2) He lost it a long time ago. This perpetuated a whole long string of faxes and jumping through hoops so that he can go this weekend. I don't think he should be allowed to go because he wasn't responsible. Either way, I just.....last year my birthday was completely forgotten amongst all the stuff with my dad that went on. I want to feel like someone cares enough about me to spend a minute of their time thinking about me. I feel like I don't matter.

Really Late Prom Photos

An interesting little time-sucker+ a photo

I read this on someone's blog on Myspace and I filled it out. I'm pasting it here. If I get enough birthday comments, I might post the list of people. (That will make since if you look below.)

25 people

1). List 25 things that you want to say to people, but never will.
2). Dont say who they are.
3). Never discuss it again.

1. You are my heart's desire. You are my favorite lover, my best lover. You are a true and awesome friend. We both screw up, but we're stronger together in any capacity versus apart. To touch you is bliss. I know more about you than you think. And it doesn't matter. I love you still.
2. I can be friendly towards you, because you are a good person. I want to like you. But you make it hard when you do what you do. Quit chasing something you stole and lost and focus on what you have before you lose it. He loves you. Don't throw that away for someone you never truly had.
3. I wish I had a tape of my life over the past 4 years that I could show you so you could see how hard it is and what you're setting yourself up for. You have so much potential. When you cut yourself, you cut the people that love you.
4. You are my heart. You have made me what I am today. I only wish you'd take time for yourself. That and I wish you wouldn't push me where I'm not meant to go. I must strike my own path.
5. Everytime you try that which wasn't meant to be, you damage the beautiful thing that you have. Please quit before it's lost forever. Someone else will lose out if you don't. I like you both and it saddens me to watch.
6. You don't know nearly as much as you think you do. Shut up and listen sometime, you might stumble upon something amazing.
7. I love you. I'm not sure why you don't love me back or why you do the things that you do. But I love you. And even though you've never taken care of me, I'm still going to do my best to take care of you.
8. I'm not sure how we grew apart but it saddens me a little. On the other hand, I'm glad. I can honestly say you stand for, believe in, and support things that I don't. People grow and change and I get that.'s just ironic that after years of being friendly to my face and then stabbing me in the back you're the one that's stumbling and screwing yourself over. I miss the kind person you used to be.
9. You are not the center of the universe. Just because you are ready to play doesn't mean everyone else is. You're rude and inconsiderate. People aren't toys to pick up when you want to. You're a fake friend. And you lie. You can't expect people to feel sorry for you if you are ALWAYS trying to pull a fast one.
10. I'm glad we've reconnected after so long. You're a real person in the sense that you pull no punches. I hope we keep our friendship strong.
11. You're incredibly two-faced. If you had something to say about my job performance, you should have said it to me; not your kids. They repeat everything you said. And it made me resentful. I'd babysit for you again, but I'd be more upfront. You were cheap with the pay and demanding. But thank you for showing me why it's good to stick up for myself.
12. You're a lot of fun and about 20x deeper than you let on. Thank you for reminding me to let go and chill just by being you.
13. You will NEVER get anywhere as long as you sit on your ass and expect the universe to dump shit in your lap. Your perverse interest in girls as bed partners will land you in jail one day and maybe then you'll straighten up. I pity you. You could have been more.
14. You're so smart and yet so closeminded. Everything is black and white to you and there are so many shades of grey out there. You'll never grow the way you are now. I hope you grow. You have the power to make an impact.
15. You used to be very standoffish and now you seem pretty cool. I'm glad you loosened up over the years of high school.
16. I can't wait to meet you lil sweetpea! I know I can't take anyone's place in your life, but I hope one day I can have my own special place in your life. You're loved by many. You're lucky.
17. You're supposed to be someone people can trust. You lie and you cheat and you cause more problems than you fix. You're not fit to work with children.
18. I liked you. I really did. But my mother didn't approve of your age. When I told you that I meant it. If I hadn't liked you, I would have said so.
19. You're loud and you're funny and I love ya! You're an amazing woman. Don't ever change. Ever.
20. I will always feel like shit walking for what I did to you. You were my first love and I alienated you. I know I'm difficult to like and that I pushed you to what you did. But still. I never ever wanted to hurt you.
21. I wish we were closer than we are. I really do. We're supposed to be family. But I think you resent me for getting time you didn't. I'm telling you: the grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. Thank God you didn't go through what I did.
22. Although we're so alike, sometimes I don't understand why you don't stick up for yourself more. But I think that's changing and it makes me happy.
23. I recently learned something about you that saddens me. I thought you had grown from the sins of your father into a young woman that loved herself. You're great. Don't let anyone tell you different.
24. You are so INCREDIBLY loved. You are his first thought in the morning and his last thought at night. Your photo is by his bed and is the first and last thing he sees. If he could be with you, he would. Speaking from experience, face time is overrated. Love is what counts and sweetie he LOVES you. Things are hard now, but they'll get better. You're another precious one I can't wait to meet.
25. You're a hypocrite. A big one. But you do accomplish some great things. I wish you weren't so fake. You're a great person.

I'm Legal. Finally.

All that really means to me is that I can start decorating my body the way I want. It's legal to have sex with the man that I love now, but that hasn't stopped us in the past two years so eh.

I've been dealing with some adult problems for a while so nothing feels new. But I'm still happy. I and a few other people have worked quite hard to make it to this point. Now while I'm responsible for what happens from here out, I'm not alone. I have friends. I could be closer to them, no doubt about it, but the foundations are there. And then I have my three angels. Whomever I'm forever grateful too. They helped me survive to be who I am today. That wasn't easy trust and believe me. Everything goes according to plan and I will have them honored in ink on my back. (I think there's a prize if you can guess who they are. *wink*)

I'm going dancing tonight. After I sleep all day.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

My heart's desire

is Andrew.

It has been for the past two years. I hung out with Katie today. She's a lot of fun. We laughed and talked about all manners of things.

She's really happy with George. Like unbelievably (I know I spelt it wrong.) happy. That's truly amazing. Really and truly. I have to learn how to go for what I want though. I think the next time we sit and talk it'll be really good for us. I think some questions that I've had on my mind will finally get answered. The talk with Katie today and just the hanging out really helped me.

But the very first thing I'm going to do when I see him, if he lets me, is hug him till he pops. I have had some serious moments of self-doubt lately and I've missed Sweetpea's arms. And his smell. It's very comforting.

As long as I have thoughts like these, I'm never going to be able to be with someone else. So we either need to lay these feelings to rest or act on them.

It's time.

Monday, June 04, 2007


It's like there's all this anger instead me and it keeps gushing out of me.

She's such a fucking bitch.

Sunday, June 03, 2007

You Don't Know Me

I'm just....gah. I'm going to the club with Austin Howe the evening of my birthday. That and getting my industrial done are the only highlights of my birthday. The industrial is being slightly overshadowed by the fact that my mother is still trying to talk me out of it even though my birthday is on Friday. Less than a week away. It sucks. Everything sucks. I'm so sick of that bitch. Just tired. I am my own person. I will never be exactly who you want me to be. Don't be such a bitch about the fact that I'm a goddamn individual. I don't want to go to graduation. It's a fucking bogus ceremony for everyone else but me. I just want to chill and relax with fun people. I'm so over it. I'm ready to bash out some windows. I'm so fucking close to the edge. I'm ready to fuck somebody up in a serious way. I'm angry and I'm over the bullshit. SO SO SO over the bullshit. Fuck this shit. I have to do a series of things:

  • Get a job.
  • Get car insurance.
  • Get car.
  • Move the fuck out.
All of that is going to fall in the place once I get the job. Most jobs come with benefits so there's the health insurance (I didn't list that). With the check comes the place to live and the car and the insurance.

I can't take this anymore.

I Hate

Where I am
What I do
What I look like
Who I am