Tuesday, August 29, 2006

My lazy day is a Tuesday

I spent today in bed.

Scott's bed to be more exact.

I laughed, got screwed to the seventh level of heaven, cuddled, gave (in my opinion) great head, and slept. I got a nice back rub too.

It was a lazy day and it was a good day. I got there early enough to wake up his mama (she was grateful though cause she'd overslept) and just crawled into bed with him till I felt like being awake. Which was about five minutes later since he sleeps in the nude and was sportin' MASSIVE morning wood. The typical day insued. Homewreckers is a funny show. Very funny. I'd kill the "friend" that set me up like that though. Like seriously, someone would be looking for body parts. Reversing those pranks must cost a shitload of money. I like his house. It's cozy and it's got this rambling effect going for it. Like you KNOW people have lived there for like ever. I like his bed cause oftentimes, he's in it. And he has cool The Nightmare Before Christmas sheets. But mostly cause he's in it. It was a nice relaxing day. A good one. I have inside jokes I can laugh out loud at in Wal-Mart when I'm there at two in the morning. (It helps keep away the pervs.)

There was the monkey wrench that not eating, taking a diet pill with a shitload of caffiene(sp?), exerting an EXTREME amount of energy, and being in a HOT room is. But despite that, it was a good day and I'd do it again. I mean I left the house around nine and didn't get home until after six. If Dad didn't need his meds, there's a good chance I'd still be over there. (I like how I'm the only one that can do that by the way.) I really had no other reason to leave. I'm still feeling a little shaky so I'm going to work on that summer AP Gov work, I STILL DON'T HAVE DONE. This shit IS NOT going to be finished by next week. Bad way to start off the school year. Bad. Back to work I go though.

Monday, August 28, 2006

Being Fit is Good

I had a Cinnamon Crunch bagel from Panera. Then I worked out for about an hour. Then I had a banana. I'm trying to decide if I should eat now. And if so, what? I'm feeling good about burning calories, but my greedy stomach is talking to me.

I just...

wanna be held right now.

Friday, August 25, 2006

I can't seem to stop

I just had steak.

And ice cream.

With chocolate syrup.

I've made myself sick to my stomach with my gluttony.

Last Night

I attempted to kill myself. It didn't work. Again I failed. At yet another thing. I just can't live with the guilt that my dad is the way he is because of me and my inability to keep people from being mad at me. I could cause him to have another stroke because I keep fucking up. I came home from PRIDE and he was just screaming and screaming and screaming. It was horrible. I'm horrible. Not to mention I can't do anything right. I can't even kill myself when I want to.

I ate today. Potato chips, an apple, and a tiny piece of cake. So along with being a failure and a bad daughter, I have no self control.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Bottom of the Toilet

So I worked out with my personal trainer yesterday. And he weighed me and took my body fat measurements.

205 pounds. 32.6% body fat.

Ew. I'm pretty sure every guy that I've ever slept with, all three of them, are probably looking for someplace to sanitize their dicks.

I want to hang myself. I thought about it. Looking for a rope. And then realized whatever I found to hang myself from would probably not be able to support my weight. I cried. Then neglected the idea of hanging myself. After all, I wouldn't want to make everyone's dislike worse by breaking their stuff.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Cars aren't my friend

So I figured I'd get up, go work out (worked out at Bally's last night for the first time, loved it), and hang out with Scott before he had to go to work.

Not so.

Mom didn't pick up Dad's insulin or test strips yesterday. Funny thing, she forgot to mention that to me. Dad of course starts screaming at me like it's my fault. So I'm getting up scrabbling to get dressed to get his meds and Mom walks in with it like it's no fucking deal. This man has been screaming and ranting and raving for (no lie) 15 minutes straight. I'm fed up beyond belief. Like bust a blood vessel fed up. And she just waltzes in. After that, I take Matt to get his cleat spikes. That he absolutely must have. After driving to Va Beach and back to drop him off, I get to see Scott. Hurray Scott. He made me smile and laugh which is what makes me consider him a friend. We chilled and then we go to leave. He has to work and I have to go home because he has to work. The charge light was on in my car on the way to his house. Lo and behold, it would not start when we were getting ready to leave. Maybe the universe was trying to tell us to hop back into bed. I don't know. Basically, I bitched and cried like a baby and acted like a punk because I HATE feeling like I'm asking people to go out of their way to help me. I'm afraid, deep on the inside that people won't like me because I ask them for things. And secretly, I just wanna be liked. After that, I get home and Dad is fussing and I'm like what the fuck ever dude. I have Mom take me to work because upon further inspection, my battery AND my alternator are/were shit. So I replaced the battery and now have to get the alternator rewired. Fuck and a half. Work was FUCKING SHIT. I'm looking for another job. One that pays well and doesn't drive me to drink. A thought occured to me tonight that I shall share.

The days I get laid are supposed to be golden. Especially when it's not just good, but happy. Sex with Scott is not as casual as I thought. But neither is it relationship, let's talk marriage sex. It's you're my friend that I can confide in and you make me laugh sex. Very good for the spirit. Scott is good people. Very good people. I shall miss him when he leaves. Laughing isn't easy for me you know. And making me laugh just comes naturally to him. Which is pretty cool. He's fairly cool.

I guess that was a couple of thoughts.

Monday, August 21, 2006

Polite Joy isn't awake at seven in the morning

Today was interesting. HE imed me after sending a couple emails. I went upstairs after pouring myself a big ole Long Island Ice Tea. I fall asleep before I can finish it. I wake up and I'm like ok so it's 7, almost 8 am. I'll finish this off and get up in an hour, down a gallon of water and be good to drive Matt to his orthodontist appt. at 10. While I drive drunk, I don't drive drunk with family in the car. Not even five minutes later, Mom calls. She needs me to come pick her up because the van broke down. So I down water, I mean chug it like a champ. I drive out there and she's ungrateful as hell. Which I didn't appreciate considering driving drunk is one thing but driving hung over is quite another. I don't like driving hung over. Left me a killer headache for the rest of the day. She comes home and bitches about my sailr mouth and my attitude. Of course I wasn't going to tell her that I was drunk. That's no good. But still. She never said thank you. And that's mean. She took up my whole day. I don't mind but she could be grateful.

I am...

the one that's lied to.
the ugly one.
the one no one really likes.
the one no one calls.
the one that has no friends.
the one that starves herself because she feels fat.
the one with a drinking problem.
the one who cuts herself to get rid of the ugly.
the one who always looks over her shoulder for people she KNOWS is laughing at her.
a girl who cries herself to sleep.
someone who can't look herself in the eye because she disgusts herself.

No more, no less.

Sunday, August 20, 2006


So I'm trying out Blogger beta. You might see some changes to my site. Leave comments if they provoke you to do so.

I saw a skin I sorta liked. Here's the link to it.
It needs some modifications though. Such as a way to put the titles back in. And make a "leave a comment" link. If you know stuff like that, lemme know and tell me what you think of the skin itself. Also, feel free to leave comments on any of the shit I've written in the past week.



I love to speed. My recent depression had revealed that to me. Could it kill me yes, but at least I'll have fun before I go.

The golden rule is as follows: Treat others as you wish to be treated. I apply it in most situations and it doesn't always get applied to me. The thought that I got was, why should I apply it to people that are fake with me and stab me in the back? I shouldn't and I won't any more. I can be just as fake as other people without feeling any guilt. Because inside I think I'm a decent person.

Stopped by Bally's on the way to work yesterday. I'm no longer going to be the fat friend people take advantage of. The fat girl people lie to and tell she's pretty because they know she's longing to be loved. The fat friend people know they can ask for anything because she's desperate for friendship.

No longer.
Never again.

A good friend of mine got the awesomest oppourtunity. He's been offered a chance to move to New York. I'm envious naturally because I mean come on it's motherfuckin' New York. It's the shit really. But I'm not envious in a way that I hope he doesn't go. I do hope he takes this chance. Not because I don't like him and want him to move away but because he's cool people and I don't want him to be stuck waiting. This situation has made me do a lot of thinking naturally. I'm not applying to any in-state colleges. Because I need to get away. I don't want to be stuck waiting on certain people to treat me right because it's never going to happen. I'm tired of waiting and I won't anymore.

I babysat last night, which is where the driving reference comes from that started this blog. I had to work last night at Sonic though, so I gave Kat Holly's number. Even though it's HIGHLY debateable if she makes the greatest friend, she's good with kids and I know that. Tay and Ri liked her. But just talking about it over the phone with Kat made me want to see the kids and I know they could use all the extra love and hugs and good things they could get since their dad's away, so I stopped by after work. Which sorta worked out cause Holly had to go home before she got back. The kids came to greet me in the driveway, that was nice. Made me feel good. Which I could always use. I'm going over there for a cookout and then work. So I'm doing things today because sleeping and Sonic. Which is good cause I'm starting to resent work at Sonic. So if anyone knows of any good job oppourtunites, keep me posted because yes the money's good and I have fun, but that's starting to be outweighed by the fucked up scheduling and just the rudeness.

That' s it for now. I'm off on my way.

Saturday, August 19, 2006

The Long Road Home

Ok so it's not long but on the drive home today I didn't drive less than 40 mph. It was thrilling. Exhilrating. It was bliss. Slightly dangerous? No. It was a lotta dangerous. The way home is quite curvy. But I loved it.

I love my new bag. It has room for everything. A small notepad, my wallet, my flask, my knife, a calculator and other assorted things that I can't think of and don't feel like digging through it to identify.

I'm not tired but I have nothing to say. Except for that I ate a bowl of cereal, a sandwich, a chicken wrap, mozzerella sticks and a chocolate cream pie shake. Not all at the same time but still. I feel so fat. And unhealthy. But I can fix it tonight. Later. And it's going to be bliss.

Friday, August 18, 2006

The Guilt and the Shame

Today I ate. I had an apple, a small piece of steak with a slice of rye bread wrapped around it, a small bag of potato chips, and two bowls of fruit loops.

If I had any will, I'd make myself puke to throw it all back up again. Or perhaps a strong will would have kept me from pigging out in the first place. I feel like I should hide myself from the world because I ate the way I did. I feel dirty.

I ran errands today and I stepped in pee at Target. That's the kind of shit that makes me want to hate people. Blech. But I got a new bag and maybe I'll take a photo and post it up here for you to look at. It's a man bag by Mossimo. It's quite nice. I also got new blades for my utility knife at Home Depot. Part of the pleasure is the straightness, the neatness, the cleaniness of the scars. All the purity and perfection that I strive for is in those nice neat scars. Which is why I needed sharper blades that the one that was in my knife. Which I had to HUNT for. I mean I spent like 2.5 hours looking for it. The knife, not the blades. But I found and I got new blades. The cashier was even nice enough to give me bills for the shitload of change that I always have on me courtesy of Sonic.

I babysat this evening and the kids were really missing their dad. Like badly. It made me feel nice that I could help them out with that. I told them stories of things I did to not miss my mom when she went away. Of course I was fiendin' for my blade the whole time but I stayed distracted long enough to make it work.

Never again will I be the fat girl you befriend just because you're mad at your other friends.
Never again will I be the fat girl you fuck because you don't think you can do any better.
I was a fool for abandoning the things that supported me in favor of false things such as people.
I will not be that foolish ever again.

The three Vicodin I took are kicking in so I'm off to bed to slice until I feel well enough to sleep.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

The Most Beautiful Thing

Bright crimson
Dull brown
or Dripping
or Streaming

The blood that washes away my pains as it leaves my body is indeed the most beautiful thing.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

The Void

I want to say something. But I'm really not sure what to say. Well I don't know. I have thoughts and I could voice them but as someone quite charmingly pointed out redundancy is silly. So I won't.

The tears run down my face in rivers
As I scream until my throat is raw
As I lay dying my body shivers
The world watches in awe
They never knew they cried
They didn't see it coming
If they had they surely would have tried
To end my pain and suffering
But they're guilty of sin
For they are the greatest of liars
They saw the pain within
Then they added fuel to the fires
Your excuses are worthless now
I don't really wanna know how
You tried and tried to help me

You turned your back
And that's a fact
You can't undo the wrongs

Don't worry though
I've fixed it so
You'll never have to be concerned again

There's that old song that's got the catchy refrain "I wanna be sedated". I don't want to be sedated, I want to be dead.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006


My breasts are mega sore on top of everything else. Boo. That makes me sad. Not to mention I can't lay down on my stomach.

Say 'ello to th' 'ittle ones

For some reason I thought I'd type in a Cockney accent. But just the title. Not the own damn thing. Shit. That'd be hard. A lot of new people are reading my blog because I've passed the url on to a few people. Say hi to them everyone. To those of yall not just new to my blog but Blogger blogs in general, you can leave comments by clicking other and leaving an im screen name or your actual name. In fact please do. Understand that by allowing you to read this, I'm doing a few things.

I am

  • trusting you to like/love me in spite of what you read here
  • trusting you to keep what you read here to YOURSELF
    • Not ya mama
    • Not CPS
    • Just yo ass
  • trusting you to keep this url to yourself
  • trusting you to understand that despite all of my piss 'n vinegar, sometimes I need help and I don't know how to directly ask for it.
Be smart not stupid.

Sunday, August 13, 2006

Musings of a Sunday eve

The one true source of protection you have these days is yourself. I hate to sound cynical, but maybe that's just how I am. Is that a bad thing? Is it dangerous to have your guard up against attack? No, I don't think so. I think it's good to be wary.

I thought I'd met a nice new guy and I was wrong. He basically sees me as an easy lay. And he comes off as unbalanced. And he's not him. So yeah. Lost cause. I'd hate for him to end up as someone who thinks they can call me only when they're horny. Because that's not me at all. I'm not meant to be casual about sex. I don't like to be. I'm NOT. I need someone caring and deep about me. I need emotion. I crave it. I'm a hugging kind of girl. The best sound to fall asleep to is the heartbeat of someone you love. I love strong arms and big hands. Kisses on the forehead. I'm not willing to settle for anything less.

Speaking of things that I like and I don't like, I don't like the nausea, migraines, chest pains, and muscles aches that I've been experiencing for about the past week. It's a crap shoot whether or not I keep food down. I just want to snuggle up with someone and be taken care of, but I hate pity so that's a no go. I don't like that I'm even thinking of cutting again. I really don't like the fact I had the knife to my flesh. He'd be SO disappointed. But then again I never really stopped for myself, it was for him. Well both. He was happier when I was taking care of myself and I didn't want to burden him. He looked so sad everytime he saw fresh cuts. It about broke my heart. But he cared all the same. Bless him. I also don't like the fact that I took a drink the last time Stephen was over here. He's a great friend though. He didn't get mad at me. Just looked at me with a very sad look. Asked me if anything was wrong; if I was ok. I lied and said I was just tired. It's not like he's just kickin' it at home though. He's got family stuff and girlfriend & company issues. Not to mention the high school-you're going to be a senior-lock in the rest of your life already drama. (It is in fact drama.) I just don't want to dump that on him.

I have sharing issues.

I miss just being friends with him. If everyone can just quit screwing it up, maybe I'll get that back before school starts. So I can start off strong.

Like I told my buddy Steve about relationships with certain people....it looks like a damn train wreck from the outside, but straight in the middle, where no one can really see, it's a pinprick of heaven. You deal with the cuts and the scrapes and the burns for that spot of heaven.

I'm a mess...

and I'm ok with it.

Why aren't you?

Because you aren't them.

You aren't the posse that loves me and shelters me from myself. But that's ok. Because not being the posse makes you suck ass.

Saturday, August 12, 2006

What's the point?

So things here at the house have been a little hectic lately. I'm not feeling all that much better either. But that's neither here nor there. In the essence of sticking to a specific topic of my choosing, it's quite insignificant.

Oftentimes there are things, places, people in your life that you should let go. But you don't because the familiar is better than the unknown. Well perhaps not better, but safer. It's better to choose the evil you know versus the one that you don't. At times I wonder if there's any point in making a choice at all, especially if you're going to be fucked over in the end regardless of the choice that you make.

Very few instances in the world today have any basis in fact or any real purpose to speak of. People in today's world are implusive, flighty, and just generally irresponsible. While that's a part of who I am and I thrive that way, at times I wish for people of substance. People who stand by their words, convictions, and actions. But alas, there's no reason to ask what's the point of hoping for that because there is no point. Because with the advancement of society, it's becoming more and more customary for people to shirk responsibility.

Although pain can come crashing at you like a rocket, let your blade be your shield and the tears of your blood become the balm that heals your world of the destruction.

Yes that time in my life is back. I could be sad about that, but as the title says what's the point?

Thursday, August 10, 2006

I'm cracking like a 500 pound hooker's cheap glass heels

I'm tired. Really tired. I might be sleeping in my car this weekend. Not that anyone could care. Not that I care if people care.
The opinons of others are overrated. It's really about you and what you can live with. I just realized I have a fuck buddy. I'm not sure when Scott turned into that and I'm not sure how I feel about it because I never thought I'd be that casual about sex. But what is is and there's nothing you can do about it.


I'm sitting here and I feel like crying because I feel loved because I just read a comment on another entry from my buddy Stever. (He has no r on the end of his name, I just type on autopilot and he gets one.) To know that someone not only gives a damn, but that much of a damn, it's a great feeling. Stever is the one friend who I know will never hurt me and then claim it was in my best interests. If something that's good for me will hurt me, then he won't do it. Stever's goal first and foremost is to see me happy. He's never stabbed me in the back "for my own good".

I love ya Stever.

We haven't had an oven for about a week. I want homecooked food. For real, on a serious tip. I still feel sick but I have no time to go to the doctor or anything like that before someone says something. My chest hurts when I'm sitting still and it's worse when I get agitated or start moving fast. (Which means it's like hell on earth during my six hour shifts.) So don't make me feel worse by calling me to argue. Cause I'm not in the mood and I literally am unable to put you in your place right now.

Also, someone could have told me before now that my blog was on PST. That's nice and all, but I'm on the East Coast.

I'd be greatly appreciative...

if you all suscribed to Bloglet so I could suscribe to your blogs. So I wouldn't check them everyday for a week looking for updates just for yall to post three entries on the one day I don't check. Seriously, yall are beginning to irk my nerves. I'm still feeling sick.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

There's nothing new and that's the not-so-great thing

So I feel sorta kinda like crap. Chest pains, headache, nausea, joint and muscle pain. I guess I'm just really tired and worn down. I've been working late nights. Like getting home at 2 am. Getting up and going to summer school. Dealing with Dad and Matt and then more of the same. I'm just feeling battered. There's really no fun in my life anymore. I don't do anything fun because I'm either too tired or working or have Dad watch. I'd be crying about everything but I guess I'm just too tired to do that too. I'm supposed to be doing lunch with a friend tomorrow (Wednesday), but she didn't call me so I guess we're not doing anything. Cause I mean, we talked last week and said we were doing lunch and that we'd pick the restaurant when we went out. And then I was like I'm on my way and she was like we didn't plan anything so she planned stuff with her mom. I don't know. Phones work both ways and honestly, I get tired easily. I can't always place calls. It's kinda of grating on me to always call people and never get an answer. I rarely call my mother about stuff anymore. Like when something occurs, if I'm going to be at work before she gets home, I just leave sticky notes on the fridge. If that. I don't know. I just can't seem to be bothered to call people that don't answer the phone. Or if they do, they don't have the time to talk. I can quite easily see how "Mary" just stopped calling people. It's a bit of a blow to the ego to call people and not be wanted.

I'm hungry but too tired to get anything to eat. So my mommy is making me a salad and bringing it to me. Which is nice of her. Cause she's nice. I'm not sure that I can get it down and keep it down but I'm going to make an concentrated effort. Maybe I can get some more sleep. Cause God knows I'm dead tired even though I've been sleeping on and off all day.

Sunday, August 06, 2006


Things are changing fast and I'm not sure that I like that. In fact I know that I do not. But I can't make them unchange. And that's disappointing. I miss him. SO much. I feel like I can't call him up just to shoot the shit and that's upsetting. So very upsetting. Shouldn't be that upsetting but it is. I burn for him. My want for him, my NEED is just this driving force. I'd be broke, barefoot, pregnant, and uneducated if it meant getting him forever and ever some more. That's a strange thought.

I'm getting a little sleepy and a little sad so I'm going to lay down and relax. Maybe sleep.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Today has been a full day, this week has been a full week

I went to school today. Stayed awake for review and what not. Slept for the 30 minutes towards the end of the class since we were all chilling and shooting the shit anyway.

After that I went and sat for the Withey family. I love sitting for that family. They're just sunny, laidback happy people. Tanned and healthy and just generally fun to be around. It was good for me to watch the kids today. Taylor had her friend over and THAT was interesting. Sometimes kids can be so mean to each other, it's insane. No matter how much babysitting I do, the pain still inside waiting until I'm unaware to catch me. That's a little heartbreaking when you think about it.

I have to go to work at nine, work until twelve, and then get up and take a test tomorrow. But tips are valuable and I need them. I need a lot of things.

Steve, I'm so incredibly sorry and I swear I'm trying to do better. I'm not that successful but I'm trying.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

A Letter to a True Friend

Here's a copy of a letter that I wrote to a friend in Florida.


Hope you're doing well in Florida. I hate to be a bummer and bring ya down, but I'm struggling so hard. I was supposed to go hang out with Drew on Sunday. I was already kind of tense about it because I called to see when we could hang out on Thursday and he didn't really get back to me until Saturday saying we could hang out Sunday. I get ready to leave my house and it's one thing after another with him. I end up driving out to Oceana and he's getting ready to leave to go chill with someone else when I get there. And it's like he doesn't even get why I'm mad. My personal time comes last on the list of the family. If my mother or brother wants to do something, I can't do what I want. So I have to plan ahead or really juggle to get free time on short notice. And he just doesn't care. My dad is smoking again, one of the things that attributed to his stroke and there's nothing I can really do about it. If it's not summer school, it's my family, or work because people there can't do anything right and/or on time. And I just want to hang out with my friend and destress and relax and he just adds to it whenever I try for three days to get time to hang out with him and he just blows me off. I'm so tired all of the time and I'm just so incredibly stressed. I just sit and cry about maybe 60% of the time I'm by myself. I don't get it. I try my hardest to be an understanding friend and just a good person in general and I can't seem to catch a break with anything. I sat in my car today and cried for 20 minutes. I wanted to get drunk and cut my wrists SO bad, but too many people count on me for me to afford myself that luxury. It's like everyone wants something from me, but no one wants to give and that just makes me wonder where I fucked up so bad to the point where no one can help me.

Sorry if this has been depressing but I just needed to get it out.

So that's the jist of what I was talking about in my other post. Yeah.

Just some stuff

So I'm miserable and in pain. I cried a lot yesterday and slept a lot. Today I just slept most of the day. I'd run an errand and then sleep. That was my afternoon. I'd kill to be able to slash my wrists and just sit in one spot and bleed. I'd also like to be able to just drink until I can't see straight. As it is, I drank a small bit today and I feel a small portion better. Not by much though.

I thought having a license would mean that I'd hang out more with my friends, but I just spend more time alone. And it's worse because now there's no "I don't have any gas" excuse. It's just plain old "I don't want to spend time around you".

My panic attacks are back and they're making up for lost time. Last night, well more like this morning since it was one am, it scared me so bad that I ended up calling Devin. Which is bad since I really don't want him in my life anymore.

I'm sick of fighting with my "friend" and I'm tired of coming last with the family. I'm just plain tired. And the physical pain I'm dealing with is excruciating. And it has been for the past few months, but I have no time to go to the doctor. So there's really no end in sight for all of that.

But I have homework and Steve's over so I'm just going to try to relax.