Some clarity and some concerns

Not just for whatever few readers I have, but for myself I need to really just lay some things out.

I went to the hospital late Saturday night/early Sunday morning. I had a severe migraine and a prolonged anxiety attack. I got dizzy, I'm pretty sure I blacked out for a few seconds. I remember my speech being a little slurred and just not being able to say what I wanted. I knew it but I couldn't get it out. It was scary and painful. I had dropped Andrew off at home and was unable to drive myself home. He didn't know I was ill and so he'd been drinking. It got to the point where I needed to go to the ER and Andrew couldn't drive me. It took about 3 hours to reach my mom. I didn't want to call an ambulance because I didn't want Tricare deciding I could have figured out a way there and charging me for it. I've learned from previous experience with Dad that it can be expensive. She came and got me and I went and they put drugs in me and sent me home. I missed work on Sunday.

It was so scary. Based on what happened to me I honestly think I had a small stroke. That's just going on what I know based on experience with my family and first aid training. When I pair that with some basic googling I did, I'm scared.

I'm crying too much to finish this now. Later.

Hallmark Cards and Doctor Visits

Hallmark has a new collection of cards out for the occasions that are new to our time. Three examples of things you could give cards from this collection for are: someone adopting a new baby, someone reaching a year of sobriety or a new divorcee. While it is interesting that they have created cards for situations such as these, it is even more interesting that people would want to give cards in these situations in the first place. Someone manages to be sober for a year and all you can do is grab a card from Wal-Mart and sign it? What the fuck? That's a bit cheap, emotionally and hell financially speaking.

I went to the doctor Thursday. I was supposed to go on Wednesday but Mom told me the wrong date. So I was there on Thursday. I had to wait an hour to get a standby appointment and it was with a different doctor. I wasn't happy. I have Mom schedule my appointments because if they need further permission to treat, they need her because I'm 17. She didn't show. Talked to someone over the phone. I feel like she's not interested in my life because I'm not living it her way. That's fucked up if you ask me. She's my mom. I want and need her around in the appropiate amount. It's gay that she's pulling back on that because I'm not doing what she wants. I'm still living well. Getting my education. What's her deal? Anyway, I had to have x-rays of my legs. The tech complimented my legs which apparently are long enough to warrant being x-rayed in sections because my whole leg doesn't fit in a screen. Cool.

Make the screams stop

You know, I've been walking this earth for seventeen years. I'm not sure I've learned and retained as much as I could have. Anxiety is a very shitty thing to have to deal with. So is mental anguish.

I feel disappointed right now. Disappointed that I still haven't proven myself after all of this time. I'm not sure I ever will. That's a big thing to just sit and look at. It's like a wall. It's defeat. To just admit that no matter what you do you're going to fail.

I just hate everything right now. Everything. It's frustrating. My feelings are hurt to say the least. I know this is very cryptic but maybe I'll come back and expand it later and fill in the missing pieces. Maybe not. Probably not. Because I know what I'm going through and that's eventually all that matters. Friends are pointless as I continue to learn over and over again.

Stars
Your Ex-lover Is Dead
God that was strange to see you again
Introduced by a friend of a friend
Smiled and said 'yes I think we've met before'
In that instant it started to pour,
Captured a taxi despite all the rain
We drove in silence across pont champlain
And all of the time you thought I was sad
I was trying to remember your name...

This scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin
Tried to reach deep but you couldn't get in
Now you're outside me
You see all the beauty
Repent all your sin

It's nothing but time and a face that you lose
I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose
[ Lyrics found on http://www.metrolyrics.com ]

I'll write you a postcard
I'll send you the news
From a house down the road from real love...

Live through this, and you won't look back...
Live through this, and you won't look back...
Live through this, and you won't look back...

There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave
You were what I wanted
I gave what I gave
I'm not sorry I met you
I'm not sorry it's over
I'm not sorry there's nothing to say

I'm not sorry there's nothing to say...

It's events like those of the past week that make me feel like I'm not worth anyone's trust, or anyone's love, or anyone's respect. They make me feel like I'm not worth anything.