The Difference Between Knowing and Realizing

I know Andrew is gone from my life but I don't think I've realized it yet. I keep expecting to hear his ringtone. I've woken up every day since we fought thinking "Do I have plans with Drew today?" and it takes like two minutes for it to hit me and for me to realize I don't have plans with Andrew. I'm never going to have plans with him again. It makes my chest tight to think about that. What can you do though? I've been making people I care about hate me for most of my life. I take funny, mild-mannered people that everyone gets along with and turned them into monsters. My father, Jason and now Andrew. I have to figure out what I'm doing wrong. I want someone to love me one day you know? I don't want to be unlovable, unlikable for the rest of my life. I really don't.

No more damnit. No more

I'm so tired. This isn't fair. Nothing is ever fair in life really I know that but damnit I'm tired. Why the hell am I not good enough? I try and I try and I continue to try. And it gets me nowhere. I'm so sick of being hurt. I'm sick of caring about people and being cast aside for others that hurt them repeatedly. Sick of it. No matter how many times I try I'm never good enough. And it's gotten old. Really really old. I didn't ask to be this fat person that's so incredibly hard to understand. And I've been trying really hard to work against that. I've gotten nowhere. Being nowhere sucks. I'm sorry. All I can ever seem to say is I'm sorry. And that's it. No one ever seems to put out any effort for me. Not that I blame people. Believe me I don't. I just wish life were a little different. I wish that I was smarter and cuter. I wish life wasn't so hard for me all of the time. I'm incredibly uncomfortable where I'm at right now but it's better than home. Which is sad in and of itself. My whole life is just sad. I'm sad.

Andrew I love you. It sucks I know. I'm sorry I don't treat you like shit like all the other women you give two shits about but I can't do that. I care too goddamn much. If you took anything I said Friday night seriously then you don't know me at all and after 2 years that's not acceptable. If you think I'm stupid and the only reason we've been friends all this while is so you could "help" me and "take care" of me then it's best if we just part ways. I will say this though. There's nothing to be over with because there was nothing there in the first place. And you know what, you're right. I am stupid. I was foolish to ever think you could stop looking backwards long enough to see all the good that was in front of your face waiting for you. Kristin is never coming back to you. And you can't go back and fix the mistakes you've made. They're done and over with. All you can do is look forward to the future and the people that are trying to care about you and for you in the here and now. For the past year and a half I've been trying to overlook the way you just.....didn't seem to care at all really about me. I've always had to beg you to sit up and notice that I'm sad or I'm angry or I'm hurting. And even then it just seemed so inconvient to you that I felt like shit for bothering you. I remember way back when.....the 4 hour phone calls, the intimacy. The way you actually cared. I didn't do anything to you to make you stop. It's a shame you let life change you so much that you shoved away anyone who loved you. I'm not sure what I did, but I do know that I'm sick of paying for it. Melissa and Kelly and everyone else can be forgiven and you can check in on them and give a shit about them but you can't do the same for me. I've been paying for whatever the hell I did for the past year and a half. I can't pay for it anymore. I'm sorry I failed you. I'm not sorry I tried though. Caring about you made me happy. When I'd do something for you and your face would light up I'd be on top of the world. I'm going to miss trying to make you happy. It made me happy.

It's a slippery slope back to your beginnings

When you fail, it's painful. When you fail a little at a time, it hurts so much worse. I think it's because it takes that much longer. And it builds like a snowball. At first it's just a little bit. You think damn I fucked up but no biggie I'm still on the right track. And then it's a little more and a little more and a little more. And next thing you know, you're up to your neck in shit. And it's ripe and it's hot and it's just nasty as all motherfuckin' get out. And you're like goddamn it here is not, repeat NOT where I want to be. And yet this is where you are. All of a sudden, you're back where you started.

RMS

How do you say you can't help someone anymore because you're afraid of putting yourself in harm's way again?

Addictions are terrible things. I'm partially free of mine. I'm so proud of that. And I worked so hard for it. I don't think it's possible to be completely free from an addiction. There's always the possibility that a trigger will rear its ugly head. There's always the possibility of relapse. Always. You reach a point I like to call the functioning point and then you're through. It's the point where you've not only gotten to where you can function without your crutch physically but you're ok with that mentally.

I guess my wonder, my question, my fear is that I'm not as close to that point as I thought if I feel unsure of my ability to cope with RMS and her complete lack of will to quit. We share the same addiction. It's like she's glad that she has a problem. Which in a twisted way makes sense because everyone in her family has some kind of concrete problem that is all official and well-known and there's medication available and.....I wonder if amongst the eating disorder and the bipolar disease, the alcoholism, the ADD (complete with INSANE anger) and the Superman complex that's resulted in an inability to cope with mistakes if she just felt lost and decided she needed to stand out. I'm not saying that's why she started, I'm saying I think that's why she doesn't want to stop. Because despite verbiage to the contrary it's like she's unwilling to stop. She doesn't even really try. Believe I know it's hard. Self-injury is a bitch to fight with. But....you have to at least try to fight. When she has a couple of good days, she's not happy about the good days but seeking a trigger and excuse to wreck the good streak. Yes she saying she wants to quit but not truly trying has been going on a very long time. Maybe it's the length of time I've been exposed and not the behaviors I'm exposed to that make me feel like I can't handle it anymore without risking my recovery.

It's valid. But I still feel like a selfish bitch.

I can't afford to sacrifice my recovery. I've got too much at risk. My job, my schooling (especially in light of the VT massacre), people. I think. I'm not all together sure of where I stand with some people. But I can't risk it. And as a responsible person don't I owe it to myself to remove myself from these possible triggers? I feel like I'm backsliding. When I hit a rough patch (there have been quite a few lately) it's the first thing that pops to mind. It's like I'm taking steps backwards.

It's valid. But I still feel like a selfish bitch.

It hurts my feelings to think I'm not as far as I originally thought. I know any progress is good and I should be glad with what I have. But still.

How do you tell the friend that's been so good to you that you can't help like you said you would. How do I tell him it's gotten bigger than I can manage when I told him I'd handle it?