Sunday, May 20, 2007

No more damnit. No more

I'm so tired. This isn't fair. Nothing is ever fair in life really I know that but damnit I'm tired. Why the hell am I not good enough? I try and I try and I continue to try. And it gets me nowhere. I'm so sick of being hurt. I'm sick of caring about people and being cast aside for others that hurt them repeatedly. Sick of it. No matter how many times I try I'm never good enough. And it's gotten old. Really really old. I didn't ask to be this fat person that's so incredibly hard to understand. And I've been trying really hard to work against that. I've gotten nowhere. Being nowhere sucks. I'm sorry. All I can ever seem to say is I'm sorry. And that's it. No one ever seems to put out any effort for me. Not that I blame people. Believe me I don't. I just wish life were a little different. I wish that I was smarter and cuter. I wish life wasn't so hard for me all of the time. I'm incredibly uncomfortable where I'm at right now but it's better than home. Which is sad in and of itself. My whole life is just sad. I'm sad.

Andrew I love you. It sucks I know. I'm sorry I don't treat you like shit like all the other women you give two shits about but I can't do that. I care too goddamn much. If you took anything I said Friday night seriously then you don't know me at all and after 2 years that's not acceptable. If you think I'm stupid and the only reason we've been friends all this while is so you could "help" me and "take care" of me then it's best if we just part ways. I will say this though. There's nothing to be over with because there was nothing there in the first place. And you know what, you're right. I am stupid. I was foolish to ever think you could stop looking backwards long enough to see all the good that was in front of your face waiting for you. Kristin is never coming back to you. And you can't go back and fix the mistakes you've made. They're done and over with. All you can do is look forward to the future and the people that are trying to care about you and for you in the here and now. For the past year and a half I've been trying to overlook the way you just.....didn't seem to care at all really about me. I've always had to beg you to sit up and notice that I'm sad or I'm angry or I'm hurting. And even then it just seemed so inconvient to you that I felt like shit for bothering you. I remember way back when.....the 4 hour phone calls, the intimacy. The way you actually cared. I didn't do anything to you to make you stop. It's a shame you let life change you so much that you shoved away anyone who loved you. I'm not sure what I did, but I do know that I'm sick of paying for it. Melissa and Kelly and everyone else can be forgiven and you can check in on them and give a shit about them but you can't do the same for me. I've been paying for whatever the hell I did for the past year and a half. I can't pay for it anymore. I'm sorry I failed you. I'm not sorry I tried though. Caring about you made me happy. When I'd do something for you and your face would light up I'd be on top of the world. I'm going to miss trying to make you happy. It made me happy.

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