Tuesday, April 03, 2007

The mouring bell tolls for this situation

If you have half a brain in your head, then you're well aware that lately I've been mulling over the idea of moving in with Andrew and Erica. It'd just be Erica and I in the home while Andrew's out to sea at the end of this year. I've been really mulling it over, referring with people very close to me and getting their opinions. But I've just really been doing some soul searching. Some deep thinking.

I'm not going to be moving in with Andrew.

A lot of different things led to this decision. But the main thing is the main reason that prompted me to want to do it. Erica. If 1/10 of what Andrew hints at is even remotely accurate (he's very mysterious with details), then that child has been through SO much already. I'd hate for her and I to get attached and then Andrew fall in love with some new chick or fall back in love with Kelly (I honestly think the possibility is there) and then BAM!, I'm out on my ass. I'd hate for her to have to lose another person. I mean she's eight and it seems as if she's been through hell already. That's not fair to her.

It's also not fair to me and the things that make it unfair to her are part of that. Andrew and I aren't dating. Point blank period. No matter how much I want that, no matter how many times I sleep with him, that's the fact of the matter. I have no reason, no right to any place in any home of his. If he falls in love with some girl (it's almost a guarentee; being in a relationship makes him happy and he's all about actively trying to be happy right now) then just because of the person that he is, he's going to want to be with her all the time. He's going to want to move her in. I know him and I know that could be a possibility. My folks are very big on their house not having a revolving door. If I'm going to decide that I can handle a rent payment and bills then that's it. I've made that choice. They want me to understand that it can't be made lightly. While I feel ready to shoulder that responsibility; if Andrew tosses me out to move some girl in, then I'm out on the street because going back home isn't an option for me. I can't risk being homeless because of his libido.

I love that boy. No stratch that. I'm IN love with that boy. I want him to succeed in life and be happy. I want his children to be happy. And I want to be happy. To have a happy life for once. I need to get away from my parents, but getting away from my parents with Andrew isn't an option. Well it is but it's not the right one. Not to mention he's been very wishy-washy about a time frame. If I had chosen to do this, it would affect my whole life. My schooling, my job. If I were to plan my life for this and then he pulls the rug out from under me, then I've got things I might not want that I'm stuck with.

I'd be giving too much, he wouldn't be giving enough, my future would be at the risk of Andrew's libido, and Erica could get hurt in a really bad way.

While the first two bother me in a serious way, the last two are what make me say this is something I shouldn't, can't do.

The first two make me think that maybe Andrew and I are unhealthy for each other.

1 comment:

Highly Feminine Jew boy said...

*realy really big hug*