Sunday, August 13, 2006

Musings of a Sunday eve

The one true source of protection you have these days is yourself. I hate to sound cynical, but maybe that's just how I am. Is that a bad thing? Is it dangerous to have your guard up against attack? No, I don't think so. I think it's good to be wary.

I thought I'd met a nice new guy and I was wrong. He basically sees me as an easy lay. And he comes off as unbalanced. And he's not him. So yeah. Lost cause. I'd hate for him to end up as someone who thinks they can call me only when they're horny. Because that's not me at all. I'm not meant to be casual about sex. I don't like to be. I'm NOT. I need someone caring and deep about me. I need emotion. I crave it. I'm a hugging kind of girl. The best sound to fall asleep to is the heartbeat of someone you love. I love strong arms and big hands. Kisses on the forehead. I'm not willing to settle for anything less.

Speaking of things that I like and I don't like, I don't like the nausea, migraines, chest pains, and muscles aches that I've been experiencing for about the past week. It's a crap shoot whether or not I keep food down. I just want to snuggle up with someone and be taken care of, but I hate pity so that's a no go. I don't like that I'm even thinking of cutting again. I really don't like the fact I had the knife to my flesh. He'd be SO disappointed. But then again I never really stopped for myself, it was for him. Well both. He was happier when I was taking care of myself and I didn't want to burden him. He looked so sad everytime he saw fresh cuts. It about broke my heart. But he cared all the same. Bless him. I also don't like the fact that I took a drink the last time Stephen was over here. He's a great friend though. He didn't get mad at me. Just looked at me with a very sad look. Asked me if anything was wrong; if I was ok. I lied and said I was just tired. It's not like he's just kickin' it at home though. He's got family stuff and girlfriend & company issues. Not to mention the high school-you're going to be a senior-lock in the rest of your life already drama. (It is in fact drama.) I just don't want to dump that on him.

I have sharing issues.

I miss just being friends with him. If everyone can just quit screwing it up, maybe I'll get that back before school starts. So I can start off strong.

Like I told my buddy Steve about relationships with certain looks like a damn train wreck from the outside, but straight in the middle, where no one can really see, it's a pinprick of heaven. You deal with the cuts and the scrapes and the burns for that spot of heaven.

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