That's just how it is

My myspace isn't set to private. My Facebook is as public as I can make it. I'm an open person. I like who I am and that's just what it is. I hate the idea of secrets. I have the balls to think it therefore I have the balls to say it. That's right. I have a set of balls. Big, ole steel ones bitches.

I have my friends and I've slept with the people I've slept with. I'm not ashamed of anything I've done really. Except for maybe one sexual experience. But we'll chalk that up to inexperience and let it go. Bottom line, I like the friends I've made over the course of the past 18 years. They're good people. They're supportive and they're loving. And as for the lucky men, of whom there are not too many but just enough, you guys are some BLESSED sons of bitches. For reals.

I am black. I am chunky. That is just it. If that's embarrassing for you then you're shallow and you don't deserve to have me grace your presence anyway. The least you can do is be adult about it. If people important to you have an issue with my skin color, you need to do one of two things:

1. Evaluate the people you know.
2. Wave goodbye to me.

Do not try to have your cake and eat it too. You WILL lose every single time. Every time. So just don't go there. I'm nothing to be ashamed of. If you are, you just can't be my friend. Or we just can't be romantically involved. You'll be sad but you'll get over it.

The above isn't directed to anyone in particular. I was just going over past experiences and thinking....eh fuck that. That shouldn't have happened. And won't happen again. I am nothing to be ashamed of. I feel bad for people that can't speak openly about the lives they lead and HIDE everything. It would drive me crazy.

The next part is directed to two people in particular. I won't say any names but they know who they are. I'm always the good girl that doesn't start anything and I'm over cowering. I'm going to vent.

Blonde(ish) # 1: I do not care how long you have known Stephen. It is of no importance to me. No one is trying to steal him or turn him against you and your family. Here's the thing: You're like fucking twenty are you not? I haven't let my mother disrespect my friends or friends of my friends, or anyone that hasn't earned it since I was 14. Grow a damn spine and put a leash on her. Do not blame her for the shit YOU say. Besides that, who the fuck are you to put a wall between my friend and I? I feel like I can't even talk to him because of you and your psychotic, clingy ass. I miss my friend and it sucks. Don't get me wrong, I totally understand spending all of your free time with the one that gets your blood flowing. But I sit there face to face with him and your vile, nasty attitude and feelings towards me are right there in between us. I'm not sure why you don't feel woman enough to have him have opinionated friends AND you in his life, but I think it's sad. I'm not sure why no one can care deeply about him except for you but again I say it's sad. Control Stephen if you want to as long as you make him happy. Sometimes life doesn't make sense, but ok. But end it there. Seriously if I hear one more thing about you going psycho bitch on his siblings, I will do what their MOTHER (not you by the way) has taught them NOT to do. It is not your place to discipline or terrorize them in their own house. I will do what someone should have done a while ago. I will smack the shit out of you. You got into something that had nothing to do with you and made it ten times worse. Things still aren't back the way they used to be/should be. And that is your fault. And yes I have held onto it. It's concerning a friend and so it's important to me. You owe me an apology for the shit you said about my intelligence. If you have a question ask it. Don't assume shit and call me names you crazy bitch. (Since you haven't apologized and things still aren't fixed, I've taken the liberty of calling you a few things and venting out my frustrations. I now consider the slate clean and am 50% happy.)

Blonde #2: This has been coming for a VERY VERY VERY long time. It is a goddamn shame the law had to get involved before I could get some peace. My family life is very mixed up now and has been for some time. I don't need your shit. Let us rewind shall we? Two years ago. You make up family emergencies to pull him away from other friends. Me included. I think it's odd but I get over it. It's what he wants to do so he can go ahead and do it. It always has to be about you all of the time. I hang out with him and he makes the mistake of telling you and wham! You are blowing his phone up and screaming at him. You then get my number and blow it up every time we hang out together. This goes on for about a year to a year and a half. Every time it happens, I let it go and DON'T snatch you bald/knock all your teeth down your throat/break your arms because Andrew begs me not to. Plain and simple. Instead of bitching at him every time he reacts in a way you don't like, you need to kiss the ground he walks on. Let's fast forward to present day. You have a nice, stable guy for a boyfriend. I wouldn't pick him, but everyone goes for different things in a person. He treats you like the good person you're not. More power to him for putting up with your shit. You try your hardest to fuck that up by trying to fool around with Andrew, but it doesn't work because cheating is wrong and Andrew is entirely too good of a person to be "the other man". He said you were friends only and no matter how much you want to mess that up and "crazy" yourself out of yet another boyfriend, he refused to move from that. I'm not sure why people put up with you but I'm not one of those people. If I didn't think that you would have harassed/bothered/driven James crazy like you tried to do to Andrew when served the charges the Friday Drew left, I would have COMPLETELY followed through. Because I know I'll never get an apology that means anything from you and that's the next best thing. I felt bad for James because he seems like a great guy that hasn't done anything to earn the displeasure of dating you. By the way, the 50 million fucking calls to Andrew trying to have him "talk" to me were not only rude, but unproductive. I think for myself. If he didn't stop me from filing a report and pressing charges what makes you think he'd get me to drop them. And you knew good and well that he had to be up early. Because of you, he woke up that morning with a migraine so intense he could barely move. What kind of "friend" fucking does that?
Let's discuss something you've brought up several times over the phone, through ims, and through Facebook. Because over the next year, I WILL NOT hear shit about this from you. I am a generous person. And not just with Andrew. My mother frequently gets a dozen roses. My brother has nice clothes and a PSP. Several of my friends get gas money, or money to go get pierced or a variety of other things. I run errands for people and help friends in anyway that I can. THAT IS THE KIND OF PERSON I AM. Just because you are not generous does not mean you need to be jealous of my generosity. I don't buy affection, respect, or "quality time" from anyone. Anyone that I'm buddy buddy with knows if they want to call because they need an ear, my phone is on 24/7. If something material can make someone I care about smile, or I can do something to make them smile, and I'm able; then it's as good as done.
DO NOT DISCUSS THIS AGAIN. I DON'T LIKE HAVING MY FRIENDSHIPS QUESTIONED.
THIS IS HOW IT IS: YOU'RE ON YOUR LAST STRIKE. START SHIT AGAIN WITH ME AND NEITHER ANDREW NOR JAMES WILL BE ABLE HELP YOU. LEARN TO HANDLE YOUR OWN ISSUES; YOU'RE TWENTY YEARS OLD. BETTER YET, QUIT STARTING SHIT.
Finally, this is all I have to say: You've been trying for TWO YEARS to fuck my shit up with my friend and it HASN'T worked. Get a clue already. That is my boy. I have his back and he's got mine. And that's just how things are. Get over it.

I have vented and I feel SO much better now. Yes there will be fallout from this entry but like I said, I'm not ashamed of anything. Not my words and not my actions.

The slate is clean now as far as I am concerned. I have no more issues with Melissa Zawacki or Heather Grossman. I am 100% happy at this moment.

You can send me messages about this entry if you like, but let's be serious I'm not going to consider their content. I'll read them and leave it at that.