Friday, January 19, 2007

I have a million things I could be doing but I have to get this out

Last Saturday I got a reply to a Craigslist ad from a guy named Josh. We've been talking everyday since then. We hung out on Monday and had great sex. I actually felt comfortable enough to laugh about it. Of course now I'm plagued with the worry that all he sees me as is committment free sex. I want a relationship somewhere down the road. A boyfriend. A man. To be someone's number one and their only. Josh picked up on the vibes that I was uncomfortable with what we'd done and he suggested that we not have sex for the next two months. After I got over crying about how happy I was he saw me in his life in the next two months, I was glad about it. I'm still a little uneasy though. Been burned before, not again.

I'm not sure why I had sex with him so soon. S&M would be able to shed some light on this. I mean how long did they know each other before she moved in with him? It's just.....I feel like I've known him for months. And he makes me smile. I've had so little to smile about the past couple of days. My father hasn't had any insulin or even tested his blood sugar since January 3rd. I'm scared to death of coming home and finding that he's dead. On Monday, my brother's birthday, he drove my dad somewhere. Apparently he misunderstood my dad and so my dad punched him in the mouth. My brother almost hit my dad. Since then he's locked himself in his den. I feel so bad. If I hadn't been lazy and I'd dressed when I first woke up that day, I'd have been available to drive Dad. I was in the shower when they left. Once again, I'm not helping avoid these situations. It just makes me feel like shit.

Back to guys. Andrew's single again. And he's hurting. The part of me that was his friend wants so bad to reach out and help him. The part of me that loved him in that way is very much preoccupied with Josh. The part of me that craves fairness is screaming at me to take the chance that I was never really given with him. Josh is amazing. He has this sweet Southern drawl that just makes me melt. He's a really sweet person. But there are some deal breakers with him. He's a heavy smoker. With Andrew and Devin it was ok because they smoked occassionally. And they made sure it'd been a while since they last smoked before they were around me. I'm VERY allergic. It's not life-threatening, but it could be with prolonged exposure. Plus, his family is very religious and religion is a deal breaker. I'm a pagan. I know. Ouch.


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