My Future in Blogging

I might have no future in this wonderful fact sharing activity. It all depends on whether or not a few things happen. Some people take my trust and throw it in my face by betraying me. It hurts my feelings. Lots of things hurt my feelings. I'm somewhat shy, so it helps me to be able to notify people about my innermost thoughts and feelings without having to directly speak to them. But I can't have that if people betray my trust and tell people things they know I don't want certain people to know. I'm just not sure. Right now I'm not sure about a lot of things. We shall just have to see.

A is for aggressive

I can be very aggressive. I don't think this is a bad thing. But some people do. For that I say, fuck you. I'm not perfect, but I'm all right. And why can't you like me unless you're walking all over me? Why does bringing me down raise you up?

I feel it coming

I can smell a breakdown coming from like a mile off. It worries me. I'm afraid I'll be around whatshisface when it happens. I love him so, it hurts for him to witness my tears.

Do I need to make a choice?

I'm in the marching band right now. Marching band's practices last longer than other activities' practices. I could work a really great job but I'd have to drop marching band so I could get to work at 5:30. I'd work Sun.-Thurs. from 5:30 to 10:00 and make about $1000 a week. I feel like shit whenever I ask my mother for money for gas or food. My mother told me I need my extras to keep me balanced. I could have extras like class council and SCA, just not marching band if I took this job. She says I don't have to because we're applying for social security disability. I just feel sad and helpless and like a fucking leech.

A little bitta this, a little bitta that

So I'm finally back from my trip. It was sheer hell. I will never go on a trip with this particular group of people ever again. NEVER. There is simply no amount of money in the world that you could possibly pay me.

On to my predicaments that aren't really so current. The father thing is still beyond my realm of capability. I'm just not ready and/or able to handle it and so I just won't. The boy/man thing is still as it was. I love him with all of my being. The girl he's with is an idiot, a brat, and just not deserving of him. It's very painful to watch someone you love love someone else. It grates on the nerves just a tad.

Comments are cool I suppose. Not that I'm begging. Just posing a general statement. I'm quite tired. I think I'll go sleep. Or at least relax. Doze a little.

I guess I'm depressed

I'm not sure what else you call laying on the couch crying in broad daylight. I just hate....well everything. Lots of people, a handful of places, and a couple dozen things. When you write it out like that, it's not really everything. I'm just too....eh to write anything else. Might go for a drive to clear my head of some of this frustration. Or save money and grab a drink. Or just sleep. Who knows?

Pain and questions

That's basically what I have right now. Yesterday I did something that I really wanted to do but am not exactly proud of. I wanted it. I wanted it badly. How could I not, it's him. My dream, my love, my heart. Without him, I'm a fucking wreck. But what I did was bad. But I loved it. I love him. I feel like shit. Complete shit.

...Do we see trouble coming? Do we care?

Some people are just trouble. You get into trouble when you're around them. You lie to see them. You abuse the privlege that driving is. You piss other people off. But you just don't care. Because their hugs are so warm. And he smells so good. So knowing he broke your heart and that he let you down and he made you cry, you're gonna give him another chance.

I see the trouble coming and I don't really care. Cause he's just too much fun.

Sometimes...

I do things that are fun and I feel kinda eh about them, but I enjoyed myself so I get myself to let go off any negative vibes.
Then, they are times when I do things and I feel no pressure to do more or less. And that's kickass. Oh yes.

It's finally over

School has ended and I am glad. Really glad. I'm a bit closer to the breaking point and it's not looking well. I really don't want to go through the laborous process of rebuilding myself. I'm tired nowadays. Everyone takes lots out of me. We'll see how it plays out. But I don't see a bout of good mental health in my future. I just don't.

Still working on the doormat thing

I'm still working on not being taken advantage of. It's hard to walk away from people and just let them be even when they don't take care of you or help you. Why is that? Why do we want to hold onto people that hurt us? As human beings, we're so self-defeating. Battered women stay with their boyfriends/husbands. We tell ourselves we can't do things. We set ourselves up to fail. Why? Do we all secretly hate ourselves? Or maybe just each other at times? Who can really know?

Whatever happened to common sense?

I just got finished watching another one of those Dateline things about child predators. Basically the whole premise of the special was your kids are stupid and you should watch their every online movement before they catch themselves an older man. Whatever happened to teaching girls to be smart. Don't blame the Internet for your child being a ho.

Letters and Phone Calls

So a few days ago, I wrote letters to Andrew and Devin telling them I couldn't have them in my life anymore. I have no extra energy for one-sided relationships. Not anymore. Ever since Dad got sick, my whole family structure has been rearranged. Nothing's really the same. It never will be again. I need to start looking out for myself. No one else is going to. And it's not their job too. Andrew called me today. The only reason I picked up the phone is because I know he hasn't gotten the letter yet. (I mailed it on a Saturday afternoon and he went home for a visit on Monday.) Across town or not, I know it's sitting there for him to read. I told him about it and said if he had any thoughts about it he could call me when he got home. Didn't want to take the edge off of his happy. We'll see what happens with that. I simply can't wait for the i'm-gonna-kill-myself-now-and-i-love-love-love-you-and-this-doesn't-surprise-me-i'm-the-
fuckup-everyone-always-leaves-that's-why-my-mom-gave-me-up-why-don't-i-just-stab-myself-
would-you-love-me-then? phone call I KNOW I'll get once he gets his letter. He being Devin. Whatever. I can't be concerned with his stuff anymore. If he wants to throw his life away that's his business. I'm not going to let him drag me down alongside him though. I suppose whatever tiny bit of friendship I ever had with Andrew could be salvageable, but can I afford to put that much work into something that hasn't worked yet? I'm tired of caring about someone that can't be bothered to tell me when they have to have their stomach pumped. I don't have the energy. Who knows? We'll see later. Just not now. I have exams to fail. Because I'm stupid. I could study, but discrete math....I'm not passing that shit. Not to sure about the others either.

By the way, tomorrow, I have my road test. My mother at first signed for the school to keep my damn 90 temp license. If she didn't provoke me, I wouldn't do things like get out of the car in traffic and walk down the street. (I've only done it twice.) But we finally agreed on me getting it and bringing it home and giving it to her to hold until the end of the week. But I have to be good from now until then. Gah. I just want to be able to go grab Starbucks or Sonic when I'm enraged. Or something since eating like that will definately make me fat again. My "anger" issues are a side effect of my untreated depression. Which I just don't have the time to treat. I've got a full plate of activities to make up for the slacking I did this year in extracirriculars because of the suspension. It'd be a lot worse if I were drinking heavily like I was before. I'd be running people over with the car instead of getting out of it and walking away from an arguement. Bleh, whatever.

Look at the time........happy motherfucking birthday. I'm grabbing some vodka, I need to fall asleep before 4 in the morning. Or maybe I'll take a vicodin. Or perhaps both. I dunno, I'll figure something out, I need sleep like a hooker needs a douche.

I'm not....

going to let circumstances strangle the life out of me like my mother has. I'm just...not. Fuck that. I'm not going down without a fight. Hell no.

A day of introspection and proclamation

The past two days, in pyschology class, we have been watching Rent. It made me think, which is exactly what Johnathan Larson wanted. I loved it loved it loved it. I cried when Angel died. It made me sad. So completely sad. She was beautiful. I hope one day I can say that I have friends like that.

I declared to my mother that I have no wish to celebrate my birthday. I realize that no matter what, I can't have possibly grown in my mother's eyes. She continues to see me as a child. Not a young woman. It's going to be hard to obey her in the coming months, but I'm not really going to try. What is the point? Honestly, there is no point. And I'm okay with that. Really I am.

My date with Scott went well this evening. And it was in fact a date. We went to this lovely dinner theatre type place. We didn't see a play, we saw a movie. It was a fancy Cinema Cafe. The food was great and The Break-Up was great. Jennifer Aniston is funny. I was never a fan of her in Friends, but her movies are always ones that I enjoy.

Rent
The+Break-Up
Jennifer+Aniston

See-Saw

With my birthday approaching, I've been very cynical. Cynicism in the extreme. And yet, I'm talking to this very interesting person. I had this whole angsty diatribe and now all I have is I might see a movie Friday, so bully for me. I'm good now. Well not good. Rarely ever good. I feel the diatribe coming on. But I have softball practice so later for it. If it's meant to be written, it'll be in my mind to write later on when I get back. It's only an hour. I should hope that my mind isn't so faulty that I can't keep a notation in my head for a mere hour. We shall see. We shall see.

Memorial Day

With both parents being retired from military service, it's hard for me not to remember and reflect upon the freedom/goodwill that we enjoy thanks to the armed forces.

However, and I suppose it's because of the name, I'm also reflecting on past transgressions and wondering about all of the various things I could have done differently. It's amazing to wonder at all the what ifs and shoulda coulda wouldas.

Memorial Day
military

Is the Internet for porn only?

So I'm sitting up here watching Squidbillies, which is....white trash with tentacles. What my mind is on right now is why a person can have an easier time of finding porn on the internet than like-minded people. I'm searching for blogs about fellow teens written by teens and having the most difficult time. And yet I can find an abundance of blogs about sex at the drop of a hat. I think things like that are what's wrong with America right now.

Well it's not sex, it's everyone's obsession with it. That's the first thing many people think of when they meet each other. Are they good in bed? Are they better than me? How many partners have they had? Is sleeping with them worth it? Whatever happened to wanting a potential mate to have personality of some sort? I'm sure my English in here is quite bad, but it's late and I'm tired. The Internet used to be a wonderland of communication and now it's basically a porn mag.

Squidbillies
porn

I always seem to be the one....

When I'm friends with someone, it's deep. Your problems are my problems. Whatever you need, if I have it, it's yours. What I'm trying to figure out is why these feelings don't ever get returned. Like I'm always there for my people and I get nothing from them. No support. No backup. It boggles my mind. People always seem to use me. And my thing is, do I allow people to use me? I'm not sure. I used to be concrete about issues like these. Perhaps the thing with my teeth just has me in a cranky mood. I think I'm just tired of the same old same old. I'd really like to meet new people though. Nicer, better people.

Spector from a not-so distant past

Right now, I'm having a most interesting conversation. It's with Cassie, Devin's ex. Devin is an ex of mine and he's dumb as hell. I stopped caring a while ago about the mess he continues to make of his life. Since all I'm doing in this conversation is explaining to Cassie what I know of his latest screw-ups, one might wonder why I find this conversation interesting.

I may or may not seem hard to people lately, but for the first time ever I sound smart to myself. Better if you will. If being smarter about who you trust and let into your life means that you have to be a little mean, then I guess I've turned into a real bitch. Not that I'm overly bothered by it. I'm actually quite pleased with myself. Sometimes your skin has just gotta be tough. You've gotta be a little hard in order to meet your goals.

determination
ex-boyfriends