Don't You Ever....

Go back over old blog entries and read them. It's majorly, horrifically depressing.

I want a boy

He would do the following things:

• Call me late at night because his day sucked and he knows his girl will listen to him complain.
• Not mind if I call him late at night because I'm awake and lonely.
  
• Fall asleep on the phone with me.
• Let me borrow one of his hoodies indefinitely.
  
• Hold my hand while one of us is driving.
• Kiss me on the forehead and tell me I rock.
• Call me baby.
• Give me deep tissue back massages when my back seizes up.
• Take naps with me.
• Let me lay on his chest and listen to his heartbeat when I get upset.
• Go shopping with me.
  
• Dance with me.
• Sip Starbucks and watch movies with me.
• Read.
• Sit with me while we both do something by ourselves. (He: reads. Me: knit. Or something like that.)

In return I would do the following:

• Kiss him at least four times a day.
• Tell him what a great guy he is.
• Play video games with him.
  
• Hold him when he's in a grumpy mood.
• Lay his head in my lap and rub his temples when he has a headache.
• Let him drive my car sometimes.
• Give him rub downs whereever and whenever he hurts.
• Let him be when he needs his space.
• Not call him nicknames in front of his boys if he doesn't like it.
• Get along with his boys.
• Never make him choose between his mama and me.
• Never make him choose between his boys and me.
• Always smell good and look pretty.
• Take care of myself so he doesn't have to worry about me too often.
  
• Let him be the man and take charge of things. Sometimes.
  

I'm a decent girl. If I care about a guy, I'm there for him in whatever way he wants and needs me. I'm RIGHT THERE. Bam. There's Joy. I'm a ride or die kinda girl. I want my boy. Someone find him and put a bow on him. Since I don't think we're getting a tree this year, just tuck him beside me in my bed.

I'd be dangerous right now....

if I had access to a weapon. Matricide and patricide.....I wonder if there is a word to combine the two?

I'm lazy what else is there to say?

Some real shit has gone down over the past couple of days. And while I'm tempted to get into all of it and discuss it, I did all of that in my head. And maybe full disclosure isn't really the best course of action all of the time. Basically though, it's be forcefully brought to my attention that I really need to learn how to stand alone. I'm really just cutting out the crap. Doing a little bit more for me. Cause I really am my best resource.
I hate driving sometimes. I mean really really hate it. It makes me homicidal. And I don't really need any help with that. We all know that.
I'm starting to resent my family more and more as my senior year goes by. I'm really developing a hate. My senior year is just...shitty. I'm not having any memories to go to college with. We're not doing anything really for Thanksgiving. It's just....Momma wouldn't get it. So I'm just gonna shut up about it.

GRRRR, Shit, Fuck, and let us not forget Damn

So Blogger still hasn't fixed the fuck up and I'm mad about it. I changed the address here, because it occured to me that HIS girlfriend, with her myspace stalking ways could very well have the address. While I doubt she could identify who HE is, I don't like risks. So I changed it. I can't leave a post at my old address or even put this blog back there cause apparently it's still in use. If you go there, you'll see all the posts I had before I switched to Blogger beta. So yeah. It's still fucked up and I'm a little angry about that.

I was supposed to go bowling last night with HIM and his friend and instead I spent the night here and we had sex a couple times. I love having sex with HIM. I feel good about the fact that fucking a fat slob like myself doesn't completely make him throw up. What kills me is the fact that he withdraws afterwards. HE says that we have sex because it makes me happy and he likes making me happy. I love that, but I hate knowing that I made him angry at himself. I like when he holds me and when he can't or won't, it's a little upsetting. It makes me feel so used when he puts himself like on the other side of the room. But then again I should be used to this with HIM by now. That's always been our M.O. Gah. I'm over everything at this point.

I've been having minor anxiety attacks all week. Needless to say, it's put a lot of stress on my system. I could throw up right now and it wouldn't surprise me. A lot of things don't surprise me anymore and I think that's fucked up. I'm so damn old to be so young. Every now and again I scan my label list to see what seems to be in the forefront of my life at that point. Depression is ALWAYS at the top of that list. How gay is that? Incredibly gay.

I was going to write more but a) this is a really long post, b) no one else read this because I have charged the url, and c) A wave of blah just hit me and I no longer feel like making words into sentences.

I Can't Stand It

Ok, there's a few things I really can't stand and I'm going to get them off my chest. Here goes.

HE has a girlfriend and I feel like she is using Myspace to stalk me. There's only so much you can make private on Myspace. I'm tired of having to cloak everything I type and not being able to be upfront with friends and give honest comments because she might run across it.

I feel I spend a good deal of time waiting for Holly to stab me in the back. I just get this feeling there's something between HIM and Holly going on that I'm missing. He's been online a lot lately. And they always seem to end up talking a lot, about me. And I'll find out about it way later. It never seems to come out how they talk though. I know I seem stupid to be jealous of them communicating when I'm screwing HIM behind HIS girlfriend's back. But back at the beginning, (which seems a helluva lot farther away than it is), when he was completely single and I was actively trying to date him and even when I was sorta dating him, she'd flirt with him horribly. They spent a day together without me because I had responsibilities I choose to uphold and they took pictures of the two of them being close in the backseat of HIS car. It was an outside event so I'm guessing they went in there to sit. That day was pivotal. She told me later that they kissed that day. That hurt so bad. We'd (HIM and I) had made plans to hang out later that day since I couldn't hang out with HIM earlier at the Pagan festival. He didn't answer his phone all that day. HE called later that night and said he felt I was too close and HE was sorry and ectera ectera. It hurt so bad. Especially more when Holly finally fessed up and it became clear that HE didn't truly need space, HE was just more interested in my friend. Why couldn't HE just say that? Why? I don't understand. I'm nothing more than casual sex and an ATM. But more to my point, she stabbed in the back with that one. And she's done it before. She's very quick to take the side of others against me. To put me down. She's quite mean to be truthful. Why we're still friends I don't know. Maybe I just don't feel I deserve better. I know that she's hurt me deeply so many times that I feel like I'm just resting until she does it again. That's pathetic. And it's not how I want to live my life. At all. In addition to the last paragraph, something that's going on with her has also brought this situation to mind. This particular thing came up in class in regards to someone else. Confidentiality came up and I realized if our positions were switched, there's a good chance she'd sell me down the river. She's forever trying to one-up me. And I'm not sure why I take it.

I'm also so sick of school it's not funny. And it's not learning. It's Indian River. I'm ready for bigger and better. Everyone is so childish around me. The inappropiate laughter and the rudeness. The intolerance. It's nerve-racking. Not to mention annoying.


I guess what's got all of this on my mind is the quickly approaching end to my high school career. After all we have semester long classes and I only have classes the first semester. So at the end of January, I'm finished. I'm growing up. I've been sleeping in my mom's bed for the past week cause my sheets need changing and I hate to do it, but I can't do that forever. We were chilling on her bed watching tv and I thought to myself, "The number of times I can sit here and do this are numbered. And they're running out." I'm tired of being unhappy with my life. I'm almost 18 and I'm still unhappy. What is that about? I'm over it.

I'm ready for change. I want to go away and learn something that matters to me. I want friends that are 100% true. I'm growing up and I just can't stand it.

Lie

Sometimes all you can do is lie. No one wants to hear the truth and it's just too hurtful to cry alone.

Cry

When you cry, keep it on the inside. When you let it out and no one cares, you only hurt worse.

Blogger is...

having a PMS-y moment. Hopefully I'll be able to fix it.

Dana?

Is a good friend of mine. Who seems to be interested in me. I'm not sure I want to fuck up that relationship for one of a different kind that might not work.

HIM

Ah HIM.

The infamous HIM.

Oh babe how I love you. Yes you love another. You said we'd try us again if things didn't work with the woman you felt obligated to try happiness with. They didn't and you fell into love with another. But it's ok. I still love you. I think no matter what I'm always going to love you. Honestly I don't think you truly love her. But ok. That's not for me to decide or determine.

Your pretty moss green eyes.
Your long brown-black eyelashes that have the curl most women glue on.
Your smile, crooked teeth and all. It looks mischevious, a reminder of the little boy you never really got a chance to be.
Your strong arms that are always warm no matter how cold it is outside.
The way you wrestle with me and pick on me and know when I've had enough for real.

I should stop thinking about you. Friends don't think this much about other friends that are dating someone. And I have English to do. She (my new English teacher) really isn't giving me enough time to do this fucking thing. Gah.

Uh oh

I have a feeling someone is mad at me. And I hate that cause this is one of my favorite people. So I have to humble myself and fix it.

For one night, I was 17

So I shall get straight to my point. Last night I hung out with HIM. We had a blast. We went to Blockbustre and dropped off movies, then Taco Bell, then Sonic, and then Wal-Mart. It was a lot of fun. Everyone and their mother asked me to so stuff, like babysit, but I just gave them the brush-off and went and hung out with HIM. Because I needed to. Lately I've been putting off things I want to do for things I have to do. I haven't been having all that much fun. And I just feel old and used up. And I hate it.

But anyway, we had lots of fun. Hollered in the drive-thru at Taco Bell at the lady in the window. Hollered in the parking lot of Blockbuster at each other. It was just lot of fun. We laughed and played in Wal-Mart. I was just normal for a moment. Yes there was the instance of me hyperventilating in my sleep cause my heart started beating in an uneven rhythm and that freaks me out if I can't control it. But he helped me cause he rubbed my back and it was nice. I just really enjoy HIM. HIS company. HIS laugh, HIS smile, HIS voice. There's just something about him that amazes me. Not sure what.

SOMTL, I like talking on the phone. And 50 million of the people I know don't like talking on the phone so that's no hint.

Unnecessary Wants

At times, like right now, I feel like maybe my wants aren't that big of a deal. Because if I could truly use everything I wanted emotionally and personally, then maybe I'd actually get some of it. I think maybe I don't get anything and I always feel so unfulfilled because I think I need more than I do.

I want to cut but I can't
I want to eat but I can't
My soul is weary
And I can't breath

I'm so scared, and I'm so alone. And it's heartbreaking.

You're so demanding

I try.

Really really hard. Quit asking me for more than I'm capable of. Just stop already. You're killing me.

In a box

Oftentimes I feel like the world is trying to box me in with a variety of things. Negative words, mean words.....I guess you could say words in general.

I'm just tired. My mother's a bitch. Sorry to say. Just because your asshole of a husband is sick doesn't mean you get to be bitchy to me. In fact you should be nicer to make it a little easier to ignore his bitch ass. Because I can't stand him really sometimes.

I'm just full of anger right now at a bunch of small shit. And the problem with that is that people keep shoving me into these fucking itty bitty boxes and so the anger is smothering me. I'm tired of hyperventilating until I pass out because I'm trying to hold my rage in so I don't break anything. That gets old. Quickly. Very quickly.

I'm still fat. Still unlovable. Still displeased.

I do believe it's time for some retail therapy, no?

I hung out with Alyssa and Joanie tonight and it was fun. The only fun of the day really. Thank God I quit Sonic. If I hadn't I would have quit now.

This much is true

I can be a bit of a bitch. It's just a fact of my character. I wish it wasn't so but it is so I get used to it.

Last night I didn't babysit. Instead I went to my friend's shower and she asked me to be the godmother. Which I'm excited about. She's due today so I'm not going to be waiting very long to see my godson. Trevor got hung up watching his niece, so we didn't hang out, but maybe something will work itself out this weekend. It's anyone's guess really.

I know...

that I am unlovable. I wish it weren't so but sometimes there are things you just can't help.

Lately I feel as if my life is a Lifetime movie and I don't like that.

The mystery person and I feel like shit

Wow....that's something I really can't stand. People that are into smoke and mirror shit. It'd be nice to talk to you face to face. To thank you for your kind words and so on and so forth. But eh.

My heart's been beating unusually fast lately. Like I'll just be sitting and I'll feel it speed up. It scares me and my breathing changes. I went and babysat tonight and when I came home I just laid on my mom's bed and tried not to hyperventilate. Things got kinda dark, like someone dimmed the lights. And next thing I know I'm waking up. It's weird. I don't feel right. My head's been killing me all day and my neck was so sore and achy this morning I couldn't move it. I had to go to the nurse and just lie down with an ice pack on my neck cause it hurt so bad. Needless to say I called out of working at Sonic. I just can't run back and forth like that with my neck like this. I feel nauseated and just rotten. Maybe I'm dehydrated. I don't know. What I do know is that all the feel good feelings from my week off are gone. I'm tired and I feel like shit now. Again.

Oh mystery person, it's anatomy not biology. If you know me so well, get your facts together.

I am Intrigued

Shine on me the light....you intrigue me. I have a few questions.

1...and I feel this one is most important....who are you? Do I know you strictly online or do I know you offline as well?

2. Did you leave that anonymous comment?

I must know more...I'm curious. Oh so curious. Speaking of things that make me curious, we dissected sheep hearts in Anatomy today. Much much fun. It looked like roast beef to be honest. It's a good thing I don't like roast beef.

I'm in the mood to be held while I sleep.